Slid Jokes - 66 Hilarious Slid Jokes

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

“He gently slid her to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her , then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A .

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

A woman slid up next to me at the bar.

"I know a gorgeous man when I see one," she said.

"Oh really?" I smiled, somewhat embarrassed.

She said, "Yeah. They're the ones I would never talk to first."

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

The whole internet burped.

As the doctor slid his finger in for the prostate exam I smiled.

The doctor locked eyes with me and it suddenly got awkward.

So I ran away from the window.

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

I was filling my water bottle from the freezer door, and an ice cube fell out and slid out of reach

I was about to get angry but then I realized, no, now it’s just water under the fridge

My friend stole the book I was reading and threw it across the table where it slid with ease

It was non-friction.

^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry.

A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice

It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.

A little and a big were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?

The big . The other one was a little more on.

A bartender walked over to a table where two people were on a date

He spoke to the woman first- "Madame, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off. You both have clearly had too much to drink; your husband just slid under the table!"

The woman said "No, my husband just walked in the door!"

Three children were walking on a mountain when found a magical slide.

Next to it, there was a sign that said, “whatever you wish for comes true when you slide down”. The first child stepped up, slid down, and wished for a river of chocolate. And voila, he swam in his chocolate river! The second child slid down and wished for a mountain of money. His wish came true...

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

A young man was in town looking for some action with the ladies.....

A taxi driver gave him an address. “Take this. You’ll find everything you want there.”
When the young man arrived at the address he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. “I want to get screwed,” said the young man.

“Ok...

The Magic Slide

Once upon a time, there was a magic slide that resided in a magical forest. If you shouted something while sliding down, you would land in a pile of whatever you had shouted.

One day, a man found the slide. As he slid down, he shouted "Gold!" and landed in a pile of gold.

Another man f...

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way...

Kid tragically fell under a steam roller

The poor child was squashed to death as a steam roller ran over him. Fortunately some one knew who he was and where he lived. A police officer said he would drive to the child’s address to break the bad news. Sadly there was no reply so the police officer did the next best thing. He slid the kid und...

On a bitter cold day, Hank visited Lou

"I had a rough time getting here", said Hank, "for every step forward forward I slid back two!"

"But if you slid back two steps for every step you took forward, how'd you get here?", asked Lou.

"I almost didn't, but then I said to myself 'forget it', and turned around and started back ...

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A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached d...

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the pistol back into his waistband.

A Cowboy Buys a Horse (long)

A cowboy decided to buy a horse from the preacher. As the money changed hands, the preacher warned him, “Now this isn’t a regular horse. I’ve taught this one different commands. To get him to run, you must say ‘Hallelujah!’ And to make him stop say ‘Amen’. The cowboy thanked him and the preacher lef...

Lesson 3 of 6: The Priest

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he le...

3 men were stranded in a desert

3 men were stranded in a desert.

They were dying of thirst when a genie appeared to them. The genie said, “Here, I have a magical slide. Slide down it and shout any liquid and you will land in a pool of said liquid.”

So the first man got to the slide, slid down it and shouted ‘WATER’ ...

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

Three men walked to the top of a slide

At the top of the slide there was a wizard.

“Say what you wish for and you shall receive your wish at the bottem of the slide” said the wizard.

The first man slid down and shouted “SILVER” and at the bottem was alot of silver.

The seceond man slid down and shouted “GOLD” and ...

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I couldn't speak. I'd done some crazy things in my life, but this time I had sunk to a new low. I still shuddered inside at the thought of what had just happened.
"You knew...

Ghost in the bathroom

One late night, after a drunken revelry, I silently slid into my bed and got a sudden urge to pee.

As I opened the bathroom door the light came on by itself.

I got scared and returned to bed, but unable to control the urge, ventured forth again. The light came on again and scared me ba...

The Pig.

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he ...

Alice was leaving school when a boy from her class bet her $5 that she couldn’t climb up the school’s flagpole

She did, slid down, collected her $5 and went home.
When she walked into the kitchen to tell her mom, her mom said “Oh, sweetie. He just wanted to look up your skirt and see your .”

The following day, the same boy bet her $10 that she couldn’t do it faster than she did the da...

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

Good old Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill. Who? Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It woul...

Timmy walked into class 2 hours late

His teacher said "Timmy! Why are you two hours late?"

Timmy said "Teacher, it was so cold and icy out there whenever I took a step forward I slid two steps back."

The teacher said "Then how in the world did you get to school?"

Timmy said "I asked myself the same thing and after...

Old Marsh was walking home drunk...

...though the graveyard, and the silly ol' sod fell into an open grave just as it started to rain. He tried to climb up the sides but repeatedly slid on the mud, back into the grave. Finally, he resigned himself to his fate and settled into a dark corner of the pit to wait out the storm.

An...

Quick thinking

A beautiful young woman wearing a revealing black dress and a sharp-dressed middle-aged man were sitting across from one another in an exclusive, high-end New York City restaurant; long white tablecloths and perfectly arranged place settings with one small white candle burning brightly in the center...

The roof job

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.

Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and ...

How I Lost My Leg

I was walking next to a lake and this giant reptile
slid out of the water and moved toward me.

So I said, "Get away! Bye! After 'while, crocodile."

Unfortunately, it was an alligator....

I traveled about 3 mph to work this morning because of this cold weather.

I went through parking lots, hopped curbs, slid across side walks and roads. It was exciting. I should walk to work more often.

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"It'll never fit in" she said, a worried look on her face.

"It's far too big".
I pushed, and it slid right in through the back, as far as it could go.
"Oh", she said, with a slight smile and a gasp.

knew I'd fit that table in the car.

Girl's legs

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse.
Suddenly she away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night
she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best frien...

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super ".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

Sales

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency,were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house qui...

There once was a train

As it went around a slope, it came off the tracks and slid into a field.

The passengers stepped out unharmed and confronted the train driver.

They asked him what happened and he replied,

"Nothing. All happened according to plan."

The passengers were now furious, and one s...

During a bank robbery

The mask on one of the robbers had slid down, revealing his face.

The robber, in a panic, looked at a man and asked "Did you see my face?"

The man said "Yes", so the robber shot him.

Then he asked a woman. "Did you see my face? "

She said "no, but ...

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

Cigarettes in the rain

Two old ladies were sitting out in front of a nursing home smoking, when all of the sudden it began to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut the tip off and slid it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

*Lady 2*: "What in the world is that?"

*Lady 1*: "A condom."
...

3 kids in a forest

One day 3 kids went to the forest

There names are Billy, bob and Thomas

Billy was the oldest and Thomas was the youngest

As they were walking they found a park

The park looked old and rusted except from one new shiny slide in the middle

They walked up to the park...

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Uranus ( long )

Originally from Buck Buchanan 9 i just had to share) let the Uranus jokes come forth.............anyway....

“It's my understanding that the first six probes were recklessly plunged into Uranus at such excessively high speeds these early attempts only produced massively dense clouds of methane...

Two families try to cheat a train ticket fee

Two families were on a trip together. They both would be taking the train, and one family bought a ticket for every member. But the father of the other family said, "Hey, you wasted money. Watch us."

That father bought only one ticket. Then he and his family boarded the train. When a PA...

An old man lay on his death bed upstairs when he caught a wiff

An old man lay dying in bed upstairs in his room when he thought he caught a wiff of his wife's chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.

Man, he thought to himself, if I could have just one more of my wife's cookies I could die a happy man.

As he lay there thinking about the s...

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So, I was a pallbearer at a funeral

I was once a Pallbearer at a funeral in Wisconsin during the winter and it was cold as with alot of snow and ice on the ground. As we were carrying the coffin down the stairs, one of the pallbearers slipped and fell down which caused all of us to lose our grip and the coffin fell onto the icy s...

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A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder...

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new ...

A man and his friend were playing golf one afternoon when a funeral drove by...

The man was about to swing but stopped and bowed his head and said a prayer, then aimed and let a beautiful swing rip.

His friend said, "Wow man, that was pretty respectful of you to say a prayer for who ever died."

His friend slid his club into his bag and said, "Well, I was married t...

A genie had a magic slide.

The genie went and gathered three men. He told them that if they needed to simply say what they wished for while sliding down the slide and their wish would appear at the end of the slide.

The first man went down and shouted "Money!" and landed in a pile of money.

The next man went dow...

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In the draw down of WWII...

Dignitaries and generals were touring Nazi facilities in Europe. One of the stops that they made was at a naval base where the dreaded U-Boats were based.

The dignitaries and their staffs were headed to a captured U-Boat, when a droning was noticed, and the air raid sirens went off. The Luft...

Rather than kill it, my girlfriend told me to catch this spider in our kitchen and take him out.

So I did. I got a big ol' jar and put it over him then slid an index card under and flipped. Apply lid to jar, phase one was complete.

Next step, take him out. I opened the door and went outside. I walked across my lawn to the street where my car was parked. I got in my car with my jar-spide...

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"Long Shots" (long)

A bartender was tending his bar, as one does, when a drunk patron approaches him and orders a pint of beer, plus a couple shots for himself and the bartender... The bar was relatively unpopulated, save for a few sitting along the bar and a booth of 5 gentlemen in the far corner, loudly joking and la...

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