UPJOKE
alloyironmetalcast ironwrought irontitaniumcopperbladeswordautomobilenickelstainless steelcarboniron orecasting

Which is heavier? 1kg of steel or 1kg of feathers?

The feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds.

There was a giant, steel, robot who had one job, protect the city.

One day when it was raining some of the screws got rusty and fell off causing one of the legs to fall off entirely. When the leg fell off it crushed the city that it was meant to protect.

Oh, the iron knee!

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

I play the triangle in a steel band

I just stand at the back and ting

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What do you call a snake climbing a steel pole?

A ssssssstripper.

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

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New hire at the winery

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and sa...

where does steel wool come from?

Robot sheep

Did you hear that none of the destroyed businesses in Man of Steel were paid out by insurance?

Turns out their policies didn't cover an "act of Zod"

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Help??

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What do you name a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?

Sparky

A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."

Steel producers are grappling with the high price of iron...

...they say it's a terrible ore deal.

(An ore-ful joke, I know.)

What plant is made of iron and steel?

Power plant

What’s the reason for an acute shortage of steel in the world?

Zelenski’s Balls!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it f...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

What’s another name for a 100% steel cage?

A Nickelless Cage.

How is Microsoft Edge like stainless steel?

Both are at least 11% Chrome

I fell in love working at the steel mill....

Sparks were flying

I heard that steel got into a heated argument once

Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.

Did you hear that the guy that makes rings and necklaces out of steel is closing his shop for today?

Yes, it's ferrous jeweller's day off.

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Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

The Train

A few months ago, my wife and I were taking a nice walk down an old dirt road during the heat of the summer day. All of a sudden, I stopped and looked around. My wife was a little hesitant as to what I was doing. I slowly moved towards the railroad tracks ahead of us and knelt down, putting my han...

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

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Y'all hear about the guy who had a gorilla stuck up in his tree?

You didn't hear about the guy who had a gorilla stuck up in his tree?

This guy gets up one morning, goes outside to get the newspaper and sees this gorilla stitting up in his tree, and he says, "holy*shit*, there's a gorilla in my tree!" So he goes inside and calls the gorilla catchers.
<...

Glen and Paul meet at a Bar...

... Paul mentions that he just bought a giant Pink Ape. Glen is like" No way, they don't exist" Paul decides to prove it to him.

So, they hop into Paul's car and head 5 miles to a small shed with a wooden door with wooden steps, that lead down to a steel door with steel steps, that lead down ...

Did you hear about the wooden car?

It wooden start.



Did you hear about the steel car?

It steel wouldn't start.



Did you hear about the blue car?

It blue up.

What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam?

A crane.

Which weighs more - a tonne of steel or a tonne of feathers?

A tonne of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

The Genie

A man is working on a construction crew demolishing an old house.

Hidden inside a wall is an old oil lamp.
Thinking to himself, wouldn't it be interesting if there was a genie in this lamp.
Looking around to make sure none of his buddies are watching, least he make a fool of himself, h...

Quasimodo's mother returns from grocery shopping with, among the groceries, a large steel wok.

"Oh, mummy, this is wonderful," says Quasimodo. "I just love Chinese food!"

"It's not for cooking," says his mother, "it's for ironing your shirts."

Why is leather armour better for sneaking than steel armour?

Leather armour is made of hide.

A 50 kg woman , 50 kg of feather , and 50 kg of steel ,which one is heavier?

The woman

Because girls lie about their weight

A greasy middle-aged businessman and his secretary run out of gas..

They had just finished up a business conference in Las Vegas but were now stranded on the side of the highway in the middle of the desert with the sun going down.

"My phone has no reception, we'll have to flag somebody down for help." says the man, looking in his mirror at the dark, empty roa...

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

My parents both hated their metallurgist jobs, so it's strange they named me Steele.

They choose it because it's irony.

Ever watch a documentary about joining steel together?

It can be riveting.

My mind is like a steel trap

I can use it once and then I have to reset it.

New Bull

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't k...

Which is heavier - 1000 kg of steel or 1000 kg of feathers?

Your mom.

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

God and the Biker, I will grant you one wish...

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I  c...

What’s Anastasia Steele’s favorite TV show?

Grey’s Anatomy.

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Have you heard what they called the basset hound with balls of steel?

Sparky.

I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio.

Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.

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An Italian man, a Mexican man and an American man are all sitting on a steel beam a couple hundred feet in the air.

Working as construction workers they all pull out thier lunches one at a time and the italian man is first to react:

"Damn. Spaghetti and meatballs again. I swear, if my wife makes spaghetti and meatballs for me one more time I'm going to jump off this beam to my death."

The Mexican is...

How did the Blacksmith pick up the red hot 1000° steel cube with just his hands?

He just held it by the cubes corners which were 90°

If Boba Fett’s armor was stainless steel...

he would be a ManDelorean

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

I like to call steel beams "cats."

People often look at me oddly, but then I explain it to them:

"CFe lines!"

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

Which falls faster, a ball of wool or a ball of steel?

Neymar

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A businessman is convinced by a work colleague to go out for a drink after work... 'OK, but just the one mind you, my wife gets terribly upset if I come home drunk!'

After a couple in the pub near the office he is talked into heading up town for some more drinks. At each new round of drinks he mentions that he shouldn't drink any more or his wife will make his life hell!


Finally they decide that they've had enough to drink and head for the train stati...

Pet store joke. This one is at least a half century old, but fwiw, I don't remember seeing it here yet...

A woman goes by a pet store and sees a sign saying "We specialize in the rare and unusual." Curious, she steps inside, and casually passes by the almost-usual: snakes, ferrets, tarantulas, macaws. She then notices a steel cage at the back of the store with a terrier-sized furry indistinct animal ...

What is the stupidest type of steel in the world?

Dumbasscus steel.

I've recently started eating steel

It's a refined taste

Men are like steel

They're useless when they lose their temper

My parents were in the iron and steel industry...

My mother had to iron and my father had to steal.

Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.

A German, an Italian and a Newfie are sitting on a steel girder...

...hundreds of feet above the ground, having lunch. The German opens up his lunch box and lets out a groan. "Mein Gott!" he says. "Not wiener schnitzel again! I'm so sick of wiener schnitzel, if I ever have to eat wiener schnitzel for lunch again I'm going to throw myself from this girder."

T...

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Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

Superman has to make a doctor appointment...

The doctor is baffled when he walks into the patient room and finds THE Superman sitting on the bench.

"Erm... hello Superman, what seems to be the problem? I'm going to be honest I didn't realize that the man of steel needed to go to the doctor.."

Clearly uncomfortable Superman lowe...

My mom and dad run an Iron&Steel business.

My mom irons and my dad steals.

British Steel going into liquidation?

Isn't that just how it's made?

A group of Egyptian soldier were beaten by Stone Age tribesmen after abandoning their steel tipped spears

Oh the iron-y

You know how Popeye has muscles of steel? Which muscle does he have that never rusts?

The one that he dips into Olive Oyl.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

Three construction workers take their lunch break together on the high steel

The first guy is Italian. He opens up his lunch box and says "Momma mia, spaghetti and meatballs again. If I get this one more time, I'm gonna jump off."
The second guy is Jewish. He opens up his lunchbox and says "Oy vay, matzo ball soup again. If I get one this more time, I'm gonna jump off.” ...

If human smiths make tempered steel...

do dwarven ones make short-tempered steel?

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

What happens if you steel?

You have to get Alloy-er

What did steel say to the concrete?

Don't take too much tension!

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