What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls...

Sparky!

I heard that steel got into a heated argument once

Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

My mind is like a steel trap

I can use it once and then I have to reset it.

Quasimodo's mother returns from grocery shopping with, among the groceries, a large steel wok.

"Oh, mummy, this is wonderful," says Quasimodo. "I just love Chinese food!"

"It's not for cooking," says his mother, "it's for ironing your shirts."

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy they were gonna name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for work...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

My parents both hated their metallurgist jobs, so it's strange they named me Steele.

They choose it because it's irony.

The bull

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.


First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."


Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
...

What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam?

A crane.

Which weighs more - a tonne of steel or a tonne of feathers?

A tonne of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

If Boba Fett’s armor was stainless steel...

he would be a ManDelorean

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:


\\\*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment\\\*


I was impressed......


On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervisi...

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

Youth Slang

Kids are always coming up with the strangest slang. Remember "on fleek" or when "dank" stopped meaning dingy?

I was working as a counselor at a summer camp one year. The kids came up with a new one and proceeded to absolutely run it into the ground. One day in the cafeteria, one of the ner...

Dumb blond male.

There are three construction workers, a Mexican, an African American & a blond Caucasian. When lunch time comes, the construction workers are sitting on a steel beam 30 stories high about to enjoy their food.

The blond opens his lunchbox and is angered to find yet another bologna &...

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm.

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm. The farmer comes out to stop the hunter getting the duck since it’s on his farm. The hunter asks politely and the farmer caves in but with 1 exception. The three kick rule. Each person can kick the other 3 times each turn. Whoever gives up or leaves i...

Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn...

So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

American/Russian dog fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio.

Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.

A 50 kg woman , 50 kg of feather , and 50 kg of steel ,which one is heavier?

The woman

Because girls lie about their weight

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

Why is leather armour better for sneaking than steel armour?

Leather armour is made of hide.

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys are watching a naked man free fall from a cliff

one guy says: I thought he was crazy at first, but now I realise he has got balls of steel

the other says: Yes, i know. And its making him fall even faster!!


(original joke, hope you like!!)

What’s Anastasia Steele’s favorite TV show?

Grey’s Anatomy.

Ever watch a documentary about joining steel together?

It can be riveting.

What is the stupidest type of steel in the world?

Dumbasscus steel.

A Man and is Wife are Expecting a Baby.

He finally gets the call while at work and starts driving to the hospital. As he gets closer, he gets more and more anxious, thinking about the baby, his wife, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. But as he's driving he hits a curb. The car's springs break, jutting through the floor and impaling him t...

Which is heavier - 1000 kg of steel or 1000 kg of feathers?

Your mom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Costco Parking Lot Advice

I noticed someone posted about a woman scamming people and it reminded me of a situation I had this afternoon at Costco.

There are these two beautiful Swedish twins that will offer you sex in the parking lot. While the one sister is working on you, the other will steel your wallet.

Now...

British Steel going into liquidation?

Isn't that just how it's made?

A group of Egyptian soldier were beaten by Stone Age tribesmen after abandoning their steel tipped spears

Oh the iron-y

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly...

The sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialis...

Where does steel wool come from?

Dodge Rams.

Men are like steel

They're useless when they lose their temper

My steel worker dad got his legs cut off once...

Oh the Iron Knee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.


He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.


"Why did you stop me you old fool?"


"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old ma...

Which falls faster, a ball of wool or a ball of steel?

Neymar

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian man, a Mexican man and an American man are all sitting on a steel beam a couple hundred feet in the air.

Working as construction workers they all pull out thier lunches one at a time and the italian man is first to react:

"Damn. Spaghetti and meatballs again. I swear, if my wife makes spaghetti and meatballs for me one more time I'm going to jump off this beam to my death."

The Mexican is...

What weighs more a cup of steel or a cup of feathers?

A cup of steel weighs more.

I like to call steel beams "cats."

People often look at me oddly, but then I explain it to them:

"CFe lines!"

You know how Popeye has muscles of steel? Which muscle does he have that never rusts?

The one that he dips into Olive Oyl.

What do you know about cement?

Me: Nothing concrete , but I know I would like to steel your heart.

How did the Blacksmith pick up the red hot 1000° steel cube with just his hands?

He just held it by the cubes corners which were 90°

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.

Then I bought a steel whistle, and it steel wooden whistle. Then I bought a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle!

I've recently started eating steel

It's a refined taste

My mom and dad run an Iron&Steel business.

My mom irons and my dad steals.

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

Three construction workers take their lunch break together on the high steel

The first guy is Italian. He opens up his lunch box and says "Momma mia, spaghetti and meatballs again. If I get this one more time, I'm gonna jump off."
The second guy is Jewish. He opens up his lunchbox and says "Oy vay, matzo ball soup again. If I get one this more time, I'm gonna jump off.” ...

A German, an Italian and a Newfie are sitting on a steel girder...

...hundreds of feet above the ground, having lunch. The German opens up his lunch box and lets out a groan. "Mein Gott!" he says. "Not wiener schnitzel again! I'm so sick of wiener schnitzel, if I ever have to eat wiener schnitzel for lunch again I'm going to throw myself from this girder."

T...

A car thief gets brought before the judge

Judge: Why did you steel the car?

Thief: I had to get to work.

Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?

Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.

(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)

My parents were in the iron and steel industry...

My mother had to iron and my father had to steal.

Steel drivin' man

So there was a guy put in jail recently. He ran a business refining ore into metal. He had some cheap iron ore he had obtain so he made some steel with it but it had a pretty high percentage if copper impurity. It ended up in the market as pure steel and when the fraud was found out an investigation...

What did steel say to the concrete?

Don't take too much tension!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

If human smiths make tempered steel...

do dwarven ones make short-tempered steel?

What happens if you steel?

You have to get Alloy-er

Why didn't the other metals want to hang out with the hard steel?

Because of his hot temper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a steel stick that you can pull out of concrete?

Excalrebar!

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

Very offensive man on the loose with flint and steel

Sparks outrage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

Wish Granted by Genie

A middle aged man was walking along the beach one day, when he stumbles and discovers a small brass lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and offers to grant him just one wish.

After careful thought, the man says, "All of my life, I have wanted to visit Hawaii. But I am deathly afraid of flying a...

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