My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you'll forgive me".

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room number 304".

Why was Pavlov’s dog’s hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it

Why did the chicken cross the road softly?

Cause he had a bung leg and he couldn't walk hardly

What do you call the soft tissue between a Shark's teeth?

A Slow Swimmer

What is hard and dry when it goes into your mouth, but is soft and sticky when it comes out.

Chewing gum, but i like the way reddit thinks.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Touching it softly

Touch it softly, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's real wet and rub up and down.

Yup, that's how you wash a cup.

A politician was crossing a pasture when he stepped into something soft.

He immediately stopped and looked down to see his foot completely covered in a large cow-pie.

Standing still, he cried out in terror, "Please someone help me, I'm melting!"

Which US sate has the smallest soft drinks?

Minnisoda

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

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Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

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Ouch!

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautione...

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

>!Gum!<

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I think Bill Gates named his company after me...

... because my dick is micro and soft.

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How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

Say softly "Their, there, they're"

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands....

Which U.S. state has the smallest soft-drinks?

Minnesota.

Attitude Adjustment

For her birthday, Jane received a fully-grown parrot as a gift. It was a brilliantly colored, with plumes of emerald green, sunset orange, ocean blue, and ruby red. But the parrot had a vocabulary worse than a sailor's. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the le...

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Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moa...

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

Priest calls a town meeting about rumors of ghosts... (long)

In a small rural town rumors start to spread that people are seeing ghosts, so the new and inexperienced priest hears about these rumors and decides to call a town meeting to get to the bottom of these rumors. After everyone arrives the priest then starts the meeting with a question: "Who here has s...

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The stubborn duck

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any coffee?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell coffee. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any coffee?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the b...

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4 Horny men in are in a prison cell.

A Rapist, Necro, Psycho and a Sadist .

Rapist : If there was a cat here , I'd fuck it till it gets weak.

Psycho : Once you done , I'd fuck it to death.

Necro : oh yeaah! , once it's dead , i
I'd fuck it till I die.

The Sadist in the corner very softly: meooooww (uWu)

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

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Lets go for a walk!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor taught the women how to breathe and explained to the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exer...

The Monk and The Cow

A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the mo...

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday.

Lucky it was a soft drink

What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor?

I beg your pardon.

I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today

Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.

Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.” The g...

I'm allergic to soft cheese.

It doesn't abrie with my stomach.

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

2 guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

What’s the opposite of a soft drink?

Alcohol




Get it? Because it’s a “hard drink”
No?
Really?
Please?
I am slowly spiralling into madness
Help me
Anyone there?

Which soft drink is one with the force?

The Fanta Menace

February 29th, 2020

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh....

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:

Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I'm playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft ...

It's a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The g...

A priest and a nun are playing miniature golf.

The priest lines up a ten-footer, hits the ball, and it swerves right of the hole. He yells, “Dammit, I missed!

”The nun recoils in shock. “Father, language!”

“I’m sorry, Sister Margaret, please forgive my cursing.”

They get to the second hole. The priest is only 3 feet away fro...

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.<...

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The Physics Professor says "Explain the Uncertainty Principle."

The student stand up. He says:

There's four nuns and they want to know about a penis so they ask the vicar and he says "Okay each of you have a feal."

Afterwards the first nun says: The penis is soft like the flowers in a meadow.

The second nun says: You are wrong my sister, ...

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What does a secretary say to Bill Gates when she sees his dick ?

A secretary walked into Bill Gates office . She chats with him and manages to seduce him . She convinces him to have sex and he agrees . When he whips his dick out what does she say ?


Micro-soft

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She
rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm wa...

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A man entering the elevator bumps into a womens boob..

He says... “Madam, if your heart is as soft as your boob, I’m sure you’ll forgive me...”
She replied...” If you knob is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 102!”

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

Patient's last words

A seriously ill patient is lying on a hospital bed with an oxygen mask,

Plug the tube. Suddenly, the patient began to twitch and his mouth was squirming. There seems to be something to say. Upon seeing this, the pastor standing nearby bent down and asked softly Said: "Do you want to say somet...

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

English is to become the official language of the EU

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

They used to call me fat, but then I gained another 66% with soft drinks.

Now they call me fanta.

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For community service I was ordered to go help out at an old folks home...

I met a nurse who told me about the old man I was going to be helping out with.


She told me that he had had a stroke a few years back and could only say one word. She tasked me with getting him to say at least two words by the end of my time there.


I thought it would be an inte...

Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that

Patient : What? Why not?

Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.

Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

“Why are you crying?” asked the little boy.

“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger,” said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

“Why are you cr...

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Son-in-law of a soft heart

Friday: My mother-in-law came to visit us for the weekend and she can't stop staring through the window, and it is raining outside.

Saturday: She doesn't move from the window and it is still raining like hell

Sunday: I should really let her in so she doesn't get sick

A man visits a show of Amanda, the famous psychic and healer.

During the show Amanda walks to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and exclaims:

"You WILL walk!"

He says softly "But I'm fine, my legs already work."

She gestures dramatically and exclaims once more:

"YOU! WILL! WALK!"

The man decides to just play along, gets u...

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."


St. Pete...

Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?

Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)

I have a soft drink fetish

when my girlfriend asked what i wanted to do tonight, i replied, “mount and dew me”

Two old men sitting on a park bench discussing their junk

First one says, “I’ll bet you mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

Second one says, “That’s ridiculous. I’ve known you my whole life. Never have you, _or your wife_, bragged of such a thing.”

“Fifty bucks says mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

“You’re on. How long is ...

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Life is a lot like a penis, simple, soft, relaxed and hanging freely

until a woman makes it hard

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes right into her bosom.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your bosom, i know you'll forgive me. "
She turned to him and said " And if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 211"

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

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I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

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Concerned about the rising drug problems on Earth

Jesus decides to send some of his disciples back to Earth to obtain some drugs so that they would better understand how to help mankind.

After 3 days they begin to return.

There is a soft knock on the side door at Jesus' pad. "Open up, man, it's Matthew."
The door opens just a cra...

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

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Back in the days of the Milkman...

A milkman comes to the back door of a new customer, knocks, and an attractive older lady opens the door, wearing only a thin negligee’.

“Good morning, ma’am.”, he says. “My name is Ed...What would you like today?

“What I’d like, Ed, is for you to go get a lot of milk from your truck, a...

I saw a lonely young man sitting at the bar

He was softly singing to himself *21 today, 21 today*.
Feeling sorry for the lad I bought him a beer.
With a smile and a nod of the head he sings *22 today, 22 today*!

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