Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.

What’s brown, soft, and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven’s First Movement.

What goes in mouth dry and hard and come out soft and sticky?

Chewing gum

Me and my soft-spoken wife are trying to have a baby.

After the first try, she was so eager, she asked if we could do it again.


“Come again?” I said.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "wh...

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or a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis. When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy".

While On His Honeymoon In The Caribbean, He Is Using The Bathroom And Notices The Guy In The Urinal Next To Him Also Has A "Wy" On His Penis. He Then Asks The Guy If His Wife Is Named Wendy. The Guy Replies In A Jamaican Accent "No Man, Why Do You Ask". The Husband Then Explains That He Noticed The ...

My wife asked me why I was talking so softly at home...

.. I told her that I was afraid that Jeff Bezos might be listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed.

Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?

Minnesota!

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

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Pepsico have teamed up with a leading pharmaceutical company to created a viagra infused soft drink.

I cannot wait to pour myself a stiff one

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

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A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

my crush is just like a marshmello

because she is soft, white and everyone put their stick inside of her.

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea?

Supreme Liter.

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

I dreamed last night that I was swimming in an ocean of soft drink

Then I woke up and realised it was just a Fanta sea.

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

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What does the gamer girl say after sex?

What does the gamer girl say after sex?



U-bi-soft

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Life is a lot like a penis... simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely...

Then a woman makes it hard.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
“What’s wrong with this man?” The pharmacist asks his assistant.
“He has a terrible cough!” The assistant replied. “And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.”

The customer gives a soft gr...

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

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A man is driving home one night while very aroused

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.

He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the pol...

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Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.   “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  

“Actually, no,” ...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

A woman awakes in the middle of the night...



...to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
...

Why did the chicken cross the road softly?

Cause he had a bung leg and he couldn't walk hardly

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

What do you call the soft tissue between a Shark's teeth?

A Slow Swimmer

A politician was crossing a pasture when he stepped into something soft.

He immediately stopped and looked down to see his foot completely covered in a large cow-pie.

Standing still, he cried out in terror, "Please someone help me, I'm melting!"

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

A man is at his wife’s funeral.

During the service, one woman politely asked if she could say some words about the man’s wife, and the man said “Sure, go ahead.”

As the woman came up to the microphone, she softly said the word “Plethora” and went back to sit down in her chair.

The man said “That was a beautiful set o...

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A man rides a train

A man is riding on a train, he needs to use the restroom but the Men’s is occupied so he sneaks into the Woman’s. While he is doing his business he notices three buttons on the wall, W, F and ATR. His curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to push the W button. A gentle warm stream of water s...

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With a seductive voice...

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a s...

I like my lawn like Captain Kirk likes his women.

Thick, lush, soft, and green.

I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

Two elderly gentlemen sit inside of a nursing home, casually sipping their coffee...

The one facing the door glances up at the night shift tech who’s leaving for the day, glimpsing him press the code 1749* into the door before opening it and leaving.
He softly says to the other one, 1749*.
The second man smiles contentedly, “We’re breaking out tonight.” They winked and let o...

After a long and serious operation, Edna ended up in a coma.

Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news, "We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid."

The doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice. Ralph looked at...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

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first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situa...

Little Johnny in Religion Class

The teacher in religion class asks, "What part of your body do you think arrives in heaven first?"

Little Johnny shoots his hand in the air. A chill runs through the teacher and she pretends not to see him. "Mary, you had your hand up first. What do you think?"

Mary straightens up in h...

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor?

I beg your pardon.

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In the groove

A man walks into a restaurant and he's pissed off for some reason. The waiter comes up to him and says "May I take your your order."

The man looked at the waiter and screaming says "I want you to get in there and tell the chef, I want a cheese burger not too greasy and not too dry but right ...

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I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

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What a beach!

A flea is lying on the beach, getting some sun and relaxation when he sees another flea approaching. This second flea is ragged, worn out looking and seems very exhausted.
The first flea, curious, asks the second flea what his problems were?
The second flea replies “I’ve hopped from th...

Why are Melinda and Bill gates splitting up?

Because he is MicroSoft.

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Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

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Man buys a parrot after his wife leaves him

A man's wife leaves him and he is lonely so he decides to go to a pet shop to alleviate his depravity.

He walks into the pet shop and one of the first things he notices is a parrot perched in a cage.

The parrot immediately starts talking "You're wonderful I love you your the greatest I...

What’s the opposite of a soft drink?

Alcohol




Get it? Because it’s a “hard drink”
No?
Really?
Please?
I am slowly spiralling into madness
Help me
Anyone there?

A husband suspects his wife may be going deaf.

To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”

There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response

The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can yo...

Three guys have been travelling through mountains for a week.

They were desperate for some rest on a comfy bed. Later on during the night they came across an old house. They knocked on the door and an old man answered. They explained their situation to the old man, the old man agreed but said that he only had one bed in the barn and that they would have to sha...

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A bodybuilder takes public transport to work..

Bus conductor ask him to buy a ticket

Bodybuilder "I never buy ticket!"

Bus conductor was a thin fella so he couldn't argue much with him.

Next day Bodybuilder again takes the same Bus to work.

Same story he again denies to buy the ticket.

Conductor was very frust...

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A guys sees a pretty girl sitting alone in a library...

He leans over and asks her "Do you mind if I sit with you?".

The girl answers loudly "Hell no I don't want to sleep with you, you fucking pervert!!!"

Everybody in the library looks at the guy and he feels humiliated.

After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly say...

Drinking in IT terms

1 shot= Demo


2 shots= Trial version


5 shots= Personal edition


Half a bottle= Professional Edition


Full bottle= Network Edition


Two bottles= Small Business Edition


Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition


Whole case= C...

Hit with a can

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I'm allergic to soft cheese.

It doesn't abrie with my stomach.

What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?

Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)

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What do tacos and penises have in common?

They only come two ways, hard and soft.

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary.

It was a beautiful thing to see.

Amid the jolly celebrations, the old man leaned closer to his wife and softly whispered, "Dear, we have been married for 50 years now, and I want to assure you that these past 50 years were the happiest time of my life. But there's one thing that has always be...

A baby Camel asks his Mother

"Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"Bloody Brilliant!" Says the baby camel.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great ...

Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

They used to call me fat, but then I gained another 66% with soft drinks.

Now they call me fanta.

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that

Patient : What? Why not?

Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

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