I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you will forgive me."

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I am in room number 3134."

What US state has the smallest soft drinks?

Mini-Soda.

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?

A lot of conditioning

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

>!Gum!<

Two travelers are walking through a forest, talking about how excited they are to sleep in a soft bed again.

Suddenly, they come across a man sleeping in their path. They aren’t too far from the next town so one of them gets excited, saying, “This man can tell us which inns have the nicest beds!”
The other looks less enthused. “I don’t know,” he replies, eyeing the man warily. “I don’t think we can tr...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

What’s a survivalists favourite soft drink?

Dr. Prepper

Which U.S. state has the smallest soft-drinks?

Minnesota.

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

What’s the opposite of a soft drink?

Alcohol




Get it? Because it’s a “hard drink”
No?
Really?
Please?
I am slowly spiralling into madness
Help me
Anyone there?

What goes in your mouth hard and pink, but comes out soft and sticky?

Bubblegum!

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”



My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my ...

I'm allergic to soft cheese.

It doesn't abrie with my stomach.

I saw a lonely young man sitting at the bar

He was softly singing to himself *21 today, 21 today*.
Feeling sorry for the lad I bought him a beer.
With a smile and a nod of the head he sings *22 today, 22 today*!

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

I just got hit in the head with a can of Pepsi

Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

The slow swimmer

What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor?

I beg your pardon.

A baby turtle...

...was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.


About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, d...

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I fucked a DVD

Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it sta...

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time-

Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until late the next morning.
(True story)

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Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced. (long)

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced.

Mama Bear didn't buy the whole "this bed's too hard, this bed's too soft, this bed's just right..." BS!

The judge was deciding on the custody arrangements for Baby Bear.

The judge asked Baby Bear, "Baby Bear do ...

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Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conced...

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

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Son-in-law of a soft heart

Friday: My mother-in-law came to visit us for the weekend and she can't stop staring through the window, and it is raining outside.

Saturday: She doesn't move from the window and it is still raining like hell

Sunday: I should really let her in so she doesn't get sick

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

They used to call me fat, but then I gained another 66% with soft drinks.

Now they call me fanta.

Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that

Patient : What? Why not?

Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

Touch it softly, put 2 fingers inside.

If it's wide use 3 fingers.

Make sure it's real wet.

Rub up and down.

Yep, that's how you wash a cup.

It was hard and wet for her

(Based on a true story)

An economics professor was hard of hearing, so she couldn’t hear her students. She spoke so softly that her students couldn’t hear her either, so they fell asleep during class—except for one class when she said the words “It was hard and wet for her!” loudly and c...

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

Pope and the Seven Dwarves

The Pope arrives to give a small sermon to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Shortly into the sermon, Dopey puts his hand up and asks, "Are there any dwarven nuns in Rome?"

"No", the Pope replies, and continues his service.

Not long passes and Dopey puts his hand up again and as...

Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the v...

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After finding out that Sanders quit the presidential race, Biden decides to send Sanders some chocolate M&Ms and a personal note of praise and acknowledgement.

The next day Sanders decides to calls Biden and thank him for the warm gesture.

They end up talking for about five minutes. They both acknowledge the difficulties of running for office and how politics isn’t for the faint-hearted.

As they were wrapping up their conversation, Sanders h...

Did you hear about Minnesota's new law against importing soft drinks?

It's soda-MN hard to get a drink there anymore.

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Life is a lot like a penis, simple, soft, relaxed and hanging freely

until a woman makes it hard

I have a soft drink fetish

when my girlfriend asked what i wanted to do tonight, i replied, “mount and dew me”

Gummy bear

Hardest thing in the world? Putting it in soft.

There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything

Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy

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My girlfriend said I remind her of a technology company.

I said I must be the Apple of your eye.

She said no it’s just that your penis is micro and soft.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.


Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I cou...

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Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?

Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)

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Did ya hear? Captain Marvel got caught stealing soft French cheese...

It was Brie Larseny

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

Do you want to know what happened to the suicidal teddy bear?

He couldn't do it he was too soft.

Feeling sheepish

Guy driving down the road sees a farmer in the pasture banging a sheep.

He is so dumbfounded that he continues driving trying to come to grips with what he saw until he comes to a stop sign.

He decides that he must go back and confront the farmer about what he is doing

He return...

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I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

I only love children who give me a soft spot

But they never remember me

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I had to follow a soft skills course “How to give constructive criticism”.

It was total shit.

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He...

There was a sale today at the supermarket on soft drinks.

You can say I was Schwepped away by it.

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Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately...

Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately, so God came up with a solution to this. Everyone who died and goes to heaven must first get an interview with an angel, who would decide if their death was noble or not. If it was, they would be let inside, otherwise they would be sent to purgatory.
...

Not sure if this could be called a joke

One just died and was born into a truly beautiful place, surrounded with all sorts of unimaginable pleasures. A man in a white robe came to greet him and said, "You can have everything you want - food, pleasure, entertainment."

He was so happy, and all day he tried all the things he had dream...

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Viagra

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

I hate these paper straws..

They get soft before you're finished then i realize how my ex felt.

Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

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I find it really funny when a couple says they're trying really hard for a baby

Like no shit, you can't try soft....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you lose your virginity?

Mark: Actually, yes.

Chad: Really? With who?

Mark: You know that girl I dated last month? That curly long hair, green eyes, soft skin, amazing body?

Chad: Yeah, good jo...

Mark: Well, I fucked your sister.

(Not mine) There was an experiment: a physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were locked up in in three absolutely empty rooms for 8 hours. Each of them was given a chest of food that should be unlocked somehow. After the term passed, the experimenters opened the door with the physician...

He was fine. Next to him was a broken empty chest. They asked "How did you manage to open it?". The answer was "I was simply throwing the chest against the walls and it broke". Then the experimenters opened the room with the engineer. He was also Ok and he he said that he had opened the chest after ...

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A Mississippi boy ran to his father

A Mississippi boy ran to his father, crying with his pants pulled down and an obvious boner. “Daddy, Daddy,” he cried, “My pecker is hard and won’t go soft!”

“Don’t worry, Son, I know how to fix it,” the father replied. “Go out to the barn and get two big handfuls of cow shit and rub on it. T...

What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink?

Sprite.

I asked a genie to give me soft and luscious hair.

He agreed, but on one condition.

I’m hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. My name begins with “c”, ends in “t”, and there’s a “u” and “n” in between them. What am i?

A coconut.

I asked a group of women to describe their husbands using a soft drink [possibly NSFW]

The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"

The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"

The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"

I just learned the hard way not to trust a fart while on laxatives...

...well, actually it was the soft way.

I ordered a soft drink in Minneapolis and couldn't believe how small it was

Guess that's why it's in mini-soda.

A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret ent...

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