The 74+ Best Soft Jokes

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast

wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the...

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Why are boobs soft and squishy?

Because they are made of mammary foam.

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?

Gum

My wife asked me why I was speaking softly in the house….

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

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Yo momma like soft butter

She'll spread for bread.

What state has the smallest soft drinks?

Minisoda

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I participated in an adult film with the promise of a refreshing soft drink after the shoot.

I got a Squirt.

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

Good times make soft men, soft men make hard times.

And finally, hard times make men hard. Wait, no...

Why do soft drinks never win at basketball?

Because they ain't got no hops

What is a pirates favorite soft drink?

Arrr Sea cola

why are 8,9 and 10 always eating snacks and soft drinks?

Because they are in the 7/11

What is soft, squishy, can be stimulated, and typically slightly darker than the rest of the body?

Your pupil.

What do you call a lake with soft water?

Lake Flacid

Whats do you call soft tissue between a sharks teeth ?

A slow swimmer.

Walking through Paris, I noticed a young man sitting on a bench sobbing. I sat down beside him and softly said, "le monde". He raised his head, looked me in the eyes and said,

"That means the world to me."

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

I used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day.

It was soda pressing.

An octopus slinks into a dark room with a gun in each arm.

He hears a soft chuckle coming from the corner. “You’re one short, my friend,” says the cat as he steps into view.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

Why are dragon plushies soft and cuddly?

They aren't scale models.

Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

What's Moses' favorite soft drink?

Mountain Jew.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?

Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?

Minnesota!

What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea?

Supreme Liter.

What did the cook say after he finished putting smoked chicken and avocado into a soft flatbread?

"That's a wrap"

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

The store I worked at fired me for not putting enough variety on their soft drinks display.

Apparently I had too many lines of coke.

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With a seductive voice... With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smil...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

What’s brown, soft, and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven’s First Movement.

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Pepsico have teamed up with a leading pharmaceutical company to created a viagra infused soft drink.

I cannot wait to pour myself a stiff one

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a man gets on a crowded hotel elevator

In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!"...

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

I dreamed last night that I was swimming in an ocean of soft drink

Then I woke up and realised it was just a Fanta sea.

What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor?

I beg your pardon.

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

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Life is a lot like a penis... simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely...

Then a woman makes it hard.

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[NSFW] Why is Popeye's penis soft and smooth?

He puts it in Olive Oyl.

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

A politician was crossing a pasture when he stepped into something soft.

He immediately stopped and looked down to see his foot completely covered in a large cow-pie.

Standing still, he cried out in terror, "Please someone help me, I'm melting!"

What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink?

Sprite.

What do you call somebody who only drinks soft drinks?

I'm not entirely posutive, but I'm sure they are soda-hydrated.

Why did the chicken cross the road softly?

Cause he had a bung leg and he couldn't walk hardly

How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?

Microsoft.

What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?

A Lift

(only a joke, my American friends)

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband i...

What’s the opposite of a soft drink?

Alcohol

Get it? Because it’s a “hard drink”
No?
Really?
Please?
I am slowly spiralling into madness
Help me
Anyone there?

Which part of America can’t sell full-sized soft drinks?

Minne-soda.

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My Grandma saw me masturbating and had a stroke.

I couldn't believe how soft her hands were.

Three stages of obesity in men.

1. You can’t see it when it’s soft.
2. You can’t see it when it’s hard.
3. You can’t see who’s down there.

Two travelers are walking through a forest, talking about how excited they are to sleep in a soft bed again.

Suddenly, they come across a man sleeping in their path. They aren’t too far from the next town so one of them gets excited, saying, “This man can tell us which inns have the nicest beds!”
The other looks less enthused. “I don’t know,” he replies, eyeing the man warily. “I don’t think we can tr...

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Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your br...

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Who cares if toilet paper is soft or not?

Only an asshole can tell the difference anyway.

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

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Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moa...

Although Steve Irwin was known as the crocodile hunter

....he will always have soft spot in his heart for stingrays

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

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