I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”



My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my ...

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Gum!

Which U.S. state has the smallest soft-drinks?

Minnesota.

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

What’s the opposite of a soft drink?

Alcohol




Get it? Because it’s a “hard drink”
No?
Really?
Please?
I am slowly spiralling into madness
Help me
Anyone there?

What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor?

I beg your pardon.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

The slow swimmer

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

I'm allergic to soft cheese.

It doesn't abrie with my stomach.

Which soft drink is one with the force?

The Fanta Menace

My best friend was hit with a can of soda

Good thing it was a soft drink

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Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conced...

Pope and the Seven Dwarves

The Pope arrives to give a small sermon to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Shortly into the sermon, Dopey puts his hand up and asks, "Are there any dwarven nuns in Rome?"

"No", the Pope replies, and continues his service.

Not long passes and Dopey puts his hand up again and as...

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My girlfriend said I remind her of a technology company.

I said I must be the Apple of your eye.

She said no it’s just that your penis is micro and soft.

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I...

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the v...

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.


Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I cou...

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Son-in-law of a soft heart

Friday: My mother-in-law came to visit us for the weekend and she can't stop staring through the window, and it is raining outside.

Saturday: She doesn't move from the window and it is still raining like hell

Sunday: I should really let her in so she doesn't get sick

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

Feeling sheepish

Guy driving down the road sees a farmer in the pasture banging a sheep.

He is so dumbfounded that he continues driving trying to come to grips with what he saw until he comes to a stop sign.

He decides that he must go back and confront the farmer about what he is doing

He return...

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Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately...

Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately, so God came up with a solution to this. Everyone who died and goes to heaven must first get an interview with an angel, who would decide if their death was noble or not. If it was, they would be let inside, otherwise they would be sent to purgatory.
...

They used to call me fat, but then I gained another 66% with soft drinks.

Now they call me fanta.

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Why are you so concerned?

One day a young Native American man went to the Chief of his tribe who was responsible for giving all of the members of his tribe their Native names.

"Tell me, great Chief, when you name the children, how do you do it?"

"It's very simple, I give them a name in our language that passes...

Touch it softly, put 2 fingers inside.

If it's wide use 3 fingers.

Make sure it's real wet.

Rub up and down.

Yep, that's how you wash a cup.

I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that

Patient : What? Why not?

Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

I work at a very special soft drink company.

This company makes its drink by compressing the carbonated soda in its can to fit more in the can. But working here is kinda dull, and make you hate life a bit. And only recently have I felt somewhat suicidal. I decided the best way for me to go was in the compressor. Now while you would say this is...

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I find it really funny when a couple says they're trying really hard for a baby

Like no shit, you can't try soft....

Some men do remember aniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She w...

Did you hear about Minnesota's new law against importing soft drinks?

It's soda-MN hard to get a drink there anymore.

A man got hit in the head with a can of cola.

He’s alright tho, it was a soft drink.

Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

I hate these paper straws..

They get soft before you're finished then i realize how my ex felt.

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A Mississippi boy ran to his father

A Mississippi boy ran to his father, crying with his pants pulled down and an obvious boner. “Daddy, Daddy,” he cried, “My pecker is hard and won’t go soft!”

“Don’t worry, Son, I know how to fix it,” the father replied. “Go out to the barn and get two big handfuls of cow shit and rub on it. T...

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Life is a lot like a penis, simple, soft, relaxed and hanging freely

until a woman makes it hard

I have a soft drink fetish

when my girlfriend asked what i wanted to do tonight, i replied, “mount and dew me”

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Did you lose your virginity?

Mark: Actually, yes.

Chad: Really? With who?

Mark: You know that girl I dated last month? That curly long hair, green eyes, soft skin, amazing body?

Chad: Yeah, good jo...

Mark: Well, I fucked your sister.

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Viagra

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra...

(Not mine) There was an experiment: a physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were locked up in in three absolutely empty rooms for 8 hours. Each of them was given a chest of food that should be unlocked somehow. After the term passed, the experimenters opened the door with the physician...

He was fine. Next to him was a broken empty chest. They asked "How did you manage to open it?". The answer was "I was simply throwing the chest against the walls and it broke". Then the experimenters opened the room with the engineer. He was also Ok and he he said that he had opened the chest after ...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

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Girlfriend: Your dick is so soft and smooth!

Me: thanks! I've been moisturizing it daily for years.

I just learned the hard way not to trust a fart while on laxatives...

...well, actually it was the soft way.

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He...

I only love children who give me a soft spot

But they never remember me

A blind snake and a blind rabbit bump into each other...

The snake feels the rabbit and says "You are soft,small, and have a bushy tail, you must be a rabbit.", the the rabbit feel the snake and says "You're slimy, have beady eyes, slither in the ground, and have a forked tongue, you must be a politician!".

A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret ent...

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Why can't musicians have sex?

Their pp is always soft

Priest/Nun - Man/Wife

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sh...

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Did ya hear? Captain Marvel got caught stealing soft French cheese...

It was Brie Larseny

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

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I had to follow a soft skills course “How to give constructive criticism”.

It was total shit.

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle.

Thankfully, it was just soft tissue damage.

The curse

There is a prince who has a curse where he can only say one word a year but if he goes a year without talking he gets to say two words the next year and so on and so on.
One day he meets a beautiful princess who asks he wants to go to the ball with her one day, the prince nods his head in agreeme...

There was a sale today at the supermarket on soft drinks.

You can say I was Schwepped away by it.

What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?

Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)

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I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

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"Wy."

There was a guy, and his name was Jack. He had a girlfriend named Wendy, who he was going to marry. After their wedding, he decided, "I'm gonna be with this girl for the rest of my life !," so he got her name tattooed on his penis. When he was hard, it would say Wendy, but when he was soft, it would...

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.

Fortunately it was a soft drink.

A little Boy and his Grandpa are walking in the Garden...

A little boy and his grandpa are walking in the garden when the boy sees a worm on the lawn. ‘Grandpa,' he says, I bet you $5 I can stick that worm back down its hole.' ‘That's impossible,’ replies Grandpa. It’s too soft and wiggly to push back in the ground.' The little boy runs inside, gets a can ...

Her: I have kink-shaming fetish

Me: That's messed up

Her: (moans softly)

I didn't volunteer in the Army - I was forced to join by parents

I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone. During my medical tests, the doctor asked softly,

Can you read the letters on the wall?

What letters? I answered shrewdly.

"Good", said the doctor.

"You passed the hearing test."

A man feels ill but isn't sure why.

A man and his wife go to the doctor to try and find out why he has been so ill and depressed for some time. When they arrive the doctor first examines the husband and runs some tests. They spend a few hours getting the relevant information then send them home to with wait for some of the results. ...

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I fucked a DVD.

Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it sta...

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink?

Sprite.

I asked a genie to give me soft and luscious hair.

He agreed, but on one condition.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

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Politicians are like soft poops

They move with a light push, leave a stinky mess behind, and require lots of paper to clean up.

I’m hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. My name begins with “c”, ends in “t”, and there’s a “u” and “n” in between them. What am i?

A coconut.

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

I asked a group of women to describe their husbands using a soft drink [possibly NSFW]

The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"

The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"

The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"

Moles

After a long winter, the ground finally becomes soft enough for the moles to emerge from their tiny mole hole. Excited for something besides bugs, the moles all scurried quickly to pop their heads out of the hole.

The father mole finally stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and sa...

Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

I ordered a soft drink in Minneapolis and couldn't believe how small it was

Guess that's why it's in mini-soda.

Why is necrophilia and ice cream similar?

It doesn't matter if it's soft or hard. All that matters is that it remains cold.

Which part of America can’t sell full-sized soft drinks?

Minne-soda.

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A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

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To propose to his girlfriend Wendy, Bill tattooed her name on his...

Penis. Unfortunately, when he was soft, only the 'W' and 'Y' were visible. Nonetheless, the proposal went well when he whipped it out for her, and Wendy accepted happily.

Not long after the proposal, they married and went on a Jamaican honeymoon. At the airport, Bill had to stop and take ...

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I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."

Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 penises."

Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"

I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

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