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Tire Jokes

I saw a homeless man living in a tire today, so I popped it

Now he lives in a flat

What vegetable do you need when your tire is flat?

A-spare-I-guess

A blonde got tired of blonde jokes

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last n...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a *great* year.

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

What did Kenny Rogers say when his tire came off?

“You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel”

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

A woman, tired of being alone, posts a personal ad

In the ad, she says she's looking for a man who won't beat her, won't walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. "I'm here about the personal ad," the man says casual...

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

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The Tired Marine

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-w...

Sick and tired of the double standards

When Venus poses naked on a giant scallop shell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess".

But when I do it I am "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.

He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks bac...

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I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

Tell me a flat tire joke...

No pressure

What did one tire say to the other tire?

I wheel-y like you.

- LJ, age 7

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This cont...

One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside of a tire.

Those were the Goodyears.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

WHY I AM SO TIRED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies.
Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work...

Hi-Tech Tire Flat Joke, revisited

I got a flat in a high-tech tire on my bicycle.

I contacted the manufacturer, and they downloaded a patch.

Unfortunately, it was a cheap, 2-bit patch

Only covered a quarter of the byte the dog took out of my tire.

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A tired american soldier is on a train to london

The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her "may I please have that seat", the woman replied "you Americans are so rude, cant you see my little Fifi is sitting here". The soldier walks the length of the train and back to cross the wo...

I always visit my local tire shop on New Years.

Because then I will know it will be a goodyear.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes...

...and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"

Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you...

I'm sick and tired of my Bonnie Tyler satnav.

It keeps telling me to turn around, it got me lost in France, and every now and then it falls apart.

Popped a tire on a pot hole today

Badum tss

A car gets a flat tire

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lif...

My wife kicked me out because she's tired of all of my bad Schwarzenegger references, but...

I will return

My girlfriend said, “This is over. I’m tired of your weird obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

Me: Wait! I can change!

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Two priests (NSFW)(long)

Two priests were driving in a car during a pouring rainstorm when they got a flat tire. They got out to change the tire, but just as they started a man pulled up and said "Father, you should wait in the car where it's dry. I'll change the tire for you."

The priest agreed but told the man to m...

I just left my position as tire pump salesman

Couldn't handle the pressure...

What is the difference between a dead hooker and spare tire?

I only have one spare tire in my trunk!

In getting tired of the jehovah witnesses.

They keep knocking on the door, trying to make me change my mind

"Please let us out!", "We won't bother you again!", "Have mercy!"

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

Hit a pothole and blew out a tire today

Ba-Dum-Bum-TSS

I'm getting a little tired of Gen Z-er's attitudes.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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Tired

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks on the front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
#
#
#
Now he lives in a flat.

My Eevee brushed past a car tire and now it's a Flareon.

Must have been a Firestone.

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Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

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“I’m always exhausted,” Joe told his shrink. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Houston to Chicago, and every morning I wake up dead tired.”

The doctor said, “Beginning tonight when you’re dreaming, stop in Tulsa and I’ll drive the rest of the way to Chicago.” It worked perfectly.

A week later Joe’s friend Fred told him, “Every night I dream all night long that I’m being forced to sexually satisfy four beautiful starlets. It’s k...

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

If you’re flying through the desert and your boat gets a flat tire, what should you have in your pockets?

Blue, because ice cream has no bones

I'm so tired of hearing Law and Order jokes.

They've all been done done.

Got my girlfriend today while airing up a tire

Her- "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"

Me- "Inflation"

I'm tired of people misunderstanding my intent.

I'm going to start using /s on my posts to mark sincerity. /s

I'm really tired of seeing "treat your pets like a member of your family" parroted all over the internet.

I would never treat my pets that badly.

Mommy Mommy, I'm tired of walking in circles

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?

She worked knights.

I heard on the news that there is a guy stealing tires from police cars.

I understand the police are working tirelessly to solve the crime.

You are always stranded if the tire bursts in your Apple car

Because it has no jack.

I remember when I was a kid, you could fill up a flat tire with air for free. Now it's $1.50.

That's the price of inflation.

A man walks into the ER after swallowing a tire.

The doctor looks at the chart, looks at the man, and says "Oh my god, you really swallowed a tire?"

"Wheely.", says the man.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

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Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

I had a flat tire the other day...

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started s...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

I've been searching for an anagram of "tired" all day.

Oh well, I tried.

My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it.

She sounds just like my wife

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

You know why everyone is so tired today?

Because we just finished a 31 day March!

I asked my friend "whats it like working at a tire factory?"

apparently it wears thin after a while

Which part of a computer was overworked and tired?

The keyboard. Because it has two shifts.

Four students plan to arrive late to their final exam so they can take it the next day

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.

The professor tells them, "Don't worry about it. You ca...

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

I will NEVER get tired of singing "Don't Speak"

I have No Doubt in my mind

Two blondes are looking at a flat tire.

One says to the other, how bad is it?
The other says, not bad it's only flat on the bottom.

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

what's it called when Iron Man makes a tire?

A ferrous-wheel

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.

She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.

The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"

The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pic...

I came across a guy changing his tire on the side of the road

So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap!

“Oh my God! My arm I broke my f-ing arm!”

“Which bone?” He asked me, as he ...

Flat Tire

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when
they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying
to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

If my jokes seem tired

It's because I sleep funny

My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires

When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".

I’m so tired of jokes about chinese people

There’s like a billion of them and they’re all the same

Up in Heaven, God was feeling tired

He had been a busy deity lately.

Anyways, St. Peter suggests he should go on vacation.

“Where?" rants God, "I created everything! I know what everything is!!"

“Well" replies St. Peter, "Earth is a nice place. You could go there."

“Ohh no! Not Earth!" says God, "I went ...

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

Why was the computer so tired when it got home?

Because it had a hard drive

Do you know why they started charging people to fill their tires?

Inflation.

What did the vegetarian say when they were stranded with a flat tire?

Should have brought asparagus.

Why don't cops get tired of beating people?

They have a chance for arrest afterward



Thank you, I'll see myself out

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

Stupid firefighters.

My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture

I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

I'm sick and tired of hearing people make jokes about the starving children in Africa

I think they've got enough on their plates.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil...

...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.

What did Christopher Robin's mother say when she got tired of cleaning up after him

"Stop leaving Pooh lying around!"

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

A tire was talking to a hubcap after a roadtrip

The tire says "man I've had a long day."
The hubcap replies "I feel you, are you exhausted?"
And the tire says "no, that's the guy in the back, I'm just tired."

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Told my boss he needs winter tires

Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

This is how the first tire was invented.

A guy had 365 used condoms. So he melted them down, made a tire, and called it a goodyear.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage...

...a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large life insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie expla...

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.

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If you have protected sex for 365 days straight, then melt the condoms down and mold a tire from them, what would you call it?

A Fucking GoodYear.

My friend was changing a tire when the car dropped on his foot

Now he needs a toe

Mechanic: "When were your tires last rotated?"

Me: "On the way here, silly."

A tough guy walks into a bar, looking for trouble. Orders a boiler maker.

He downs the shot, turns to the guy on his right and punches him in the face.
“That's a right hook from American boxing.”

He drinks down the beer, turns to the guy on his left and kicks him in the belly. "That's a crane kick from Chinese Kung-fu."

He turns to see if anyone in the ba...

What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak?

Flaming yawn

Why is the army always tired?

Because they have fatigues!

What do a bad tire and this reddit post have in common?

Neither are likely to get much traction.

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

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