A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

Why does it cost $2.00 to put air in my tires?

Inflation.

Someone stole my tire gauge.

I don't think I can take the pressure anymore.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a tire, and receiving oral sex every day for a year?

One's a Goodyear, the other's a fucking great year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Flat Tire.

An Inuit is visiting Scotland and his rental car got a flat tire. After getting towed to the local Auto repair garage, the mechanic looks at it and says, "looks like you blew a seal."

​

To which the Inuit replied, "Well, you fucked a sheep."

What do you call an ambulance with a flat tire?

A flatulence.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a good year, the other is a great year

True story: My girlfriend asked if I was okay carrying my car's new tire.

"I'm fine," I replied. "It's not like I'm two tired."

Why does Thanos Car have top of the line tires?

The hardest choices require the strongest of wheels.

Four students carpool to school.

They had a final exam and wanted to impress their classmates, so they agreed to arrive 30 mins late for the exam.

As soon as they arrived late, their teacher asked them why they were late. The driver responded: "we had a flat tire sir"

The teacher said: "very well, why don't the four ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man drives past a psychiatric hospital...

And one wheel falls off. He takes a spare tire and runs around the car unable to find wheel studs, while patients of the hospital sit on the fence staring at him. The man eventually gets tired and sits down on the road in despair. So the patients ask him: “Can wheel still operate with only 3 studs?...

I adopted a retired K9 the other day.

I've found more cocaine than ever!

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one o...

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

I finally made a table out of my old car tires.

It took a good year or two.

A farmer hits a pothole and ends up stranded with a flat tire...

“Hell, should’ve brought asparagus.”

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. “About how long to get this repaired?” says the penguin. “Should only be about 30 mins” he replies.

It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is...

A group of scientists and engineers teamed up to create the best and more responsive set of Breaks and Tires. That's like 120 km/h to 0 km/s in 2 seconds...

... now they need to create the strongest windshield.

Why did the tire fall off?

It was wheely bad

A person that knows how to change a tire.

Is a very well rounded individual.

What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?

Drowns.

What do a bad tire and this reddit post have in common?

Neither are likely to get much traction.

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

What happened to the Guns 'n Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose.

My wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low…

She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"

I looked at her and winked, "Inflation."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

Told my boss he needs winter tires

Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you have protected sex for 365 days straight, then melt the condoms down and mold a tire from them, what would you call it?

A Fucking GoodYear.

I got a flat tire recently...

I was lucky enough to have spotted it before I was able to drive off to my local bowling alley. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have any extra tires on me, nor was I willing to go to my local auto shop and get one.

Fortunately, I did have the bowling ball and 10 pins I was planning on bringing...

Ever wonder why tires are so expensive these days?

They have to adjust for inflation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I added some pressure to my tires today.

I leaned in close and whispered "You lose anymore air I'll fucking cut you myself"

Got my girlfriend today while airing up a tire

Her- "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"

Me- "Inflation"

Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,

they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early

Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to...

What’s the difference between a poorly-dress man on a bicycle, and a well dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

Actually wait, there’s two differences.

Attire, and a tire.

I got a flat tire on my way home from the grocery store

At least I have asparagus

Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.

Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.

Pinocchio got a new job at a tire store

He keeps telling all the customers "I'm a wheel boy."

I just had to pay £1 at the garage to pump up my tires.

That's inflation for you.

If you had a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden tires

It woodent work

Why can't you haggle when getting your tire patched up?

Because it's a FLAT rate

All these people complaining about the price of air for tires..

They need to realize that's it's just inflation

How many Broncos does it take to change a tire?

One. Unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up.

How do you change a plane's tires while it's flying?

You high jack it.

Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

Popped a tire on a pot hole today

Badum tss

A man is with his wife who's filling up their flat tire with air...

"Since when do you need to pay to fill up a tire?" says the wife.


"I don't know," replies the husband. "But I'm sure it has something to do with inflation."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between black people amd snow tires?

Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW My tires are a bunch of sex-addicts

I have to blow them every morning going to work.

What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires?

He shrugged and said, "I've got asparagus."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do policemen aim at the tires of runaway cars?

Because it is fundamental in bringing the vehicle to a complete halt.

Not because they are black. You racist fuck.

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire, so I pulled up on the side of the road and got out to change it. While I was changing it, a stranger came over and opened my bonnet.

I asked "What are you doing?!"

"Well, if you're having the tires, I'm having the engine"

I had a flat tire the other day...

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started s...

what did the libertarian say after I changed his flat tire?

I did it all by myself, without any help from anyone.

I used to take naps on a bike until someone stole the tires

They really messed with my sleep cycle.

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.

He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"

He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

What it is called when u put smaller size tires on wider rims?

Stupidity. It's called stupidity

Four students plan to arrive late to their final exam so they can take it the next day

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.

The professor tells them, "Don't worry about it. You ca...

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” and speeds past them.

From around the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash....

What's the difference between snow tires and slaves?

Slaves sing when chains are put on them.

PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness

A penguin is out driving in the desert when he hears a pop and his tire goes flat.

He manages to pull into a gas station to have the mechanic check it out. As he's waiting, he notices the convenience store is selling some ice cream, and he decides he could do with some good cold ice cream.

He goes in and buys his favorite flavor, vanilla, then goes out and sits on the curb ...

it's hard to retire if you are in the tire business

it seems like you have more work to do.

4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no p...

What is the most common attire during WWII?

Casual Tees

How long does it take to eat a tire?

*A Goodyear*

Why is there no market for white tires?

Because black tires makes your car run faster