UPJOKE
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I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

My first time using the elevator...

was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

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I’ll never forget that time I took a dump in an elevator.

I took that shit to a whole new level.

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The Homophobics in my apartment building have been boycotting the elevators.

They found out elevators go both ways.

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator"

I guess we're just raised differently

Two blondes are in an elevator…

… on one floor a man gets on and stand between them. He’s wearing a black shirt and he had a ton of dandruff on his shoulders.

After he gets off the elevator one blonde says to the other “man that guy can really use some Head & Shoulders.”

The other blonde asks “how do you give sho...

Why can't Rick Astley be an elevator operator?

Because he said he'd never let you down.

Farting on an elevator

It’s rude on so many levels

Why did the intern become an elevator repairman?

Because he didn't want to spend years climbing the corporate ladder.

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The technician didn't wire up the elevator buttons correctly

It's wrong on so many levels…

I have a fear of elevators

I am taking steps to avoid it

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Saw a homeless man take a crap in a see-through elevator

Damn, that shit escalated quickly

an old man and a young women in an elevator

The young woman says, "TGIF"
The old man says "S.H.I.T"
The young woman says "TGIF" again
The old man lowers his head and says "S.H.I.T"
The young woman says "Thank God it's friday"
The old man "Sorry honey it's Thursday"

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What happens when you get caught pooping in an elevator?

Shit goes down

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A guy gets on an elevator with a beautiful woman.

He leans over and asks "Can I smell your vagina?" "Of course not!", she responds. Then he says " Oh , I guess it must be your feet then"

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father"...

I'm not a fan of elevator music.

It's bad on so many levels.

A joke told to me by a doctor in a hospital elevator

What are the three rules of proctology?

>!1) Don't shake hands!<

>!2) No finger foods!<

>!3) Don't pick your nose!<

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

I saw a naked Chinese man take the elevator.

It was wong on so many levels.

What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?

A lift.

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I'm not a fan of elevator sex, its too quick.

I mean... what are you supposed to do for the rest of the ride?

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

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A traveling salesman finds himself in an elevator

While he's all alone, he rips a huge stinking fart. He quickly opens his briefcase and takes out a can of air-freshener and give it a few squirts.

A few moments later another man enters the elevator, visibly disturbed by the strong smell.

"Smells nice doesn't it? It's a special blend o...

Three women walk into an elevator

A blonde a brunette and a redhead. The door closes and a smear of a milky liquid is visible on the door. The brunette sniffs it and say "I think that is cum..."
The blond touches it and moves it around between her fingers and thumb and agrees..." that's cum".
The redhead dropped to he...

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Having sex in an elevator is a lot like taking hard drugs

You get fucked up, before a big cum down.

My teacher told us not to use the elevator in case of a fire.

"Of course," I replied, rolling my eyes. "We'll use the fire extinguisher."

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get in to an elevator at their apartment building.

As the door closes the brunette looks down on the ground and see what appears to be a puddle of cum and says, “Eeeeeeew there cum on the ground!”

The redhead gets on her hands and knees and sniffs it and says, “Yeah it smells like cum!”

The blonde dips her finger in it and tastes it an...

I rode an elevator today manufactured by a company named “Schindler”

I was on Schindler’s Lift.

Broken elevator

The elevation was broken at my office so i took the stairs.

Everyone has been stuck for hours now.

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NSFW I got on an elevator the other day, and a woman got on at the next floor. I asked her, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She was offended, and said, "No! Of course not!"

I said, "Huh. Must be your feet, then."

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My husband said that tonight he'd treat me like an elevator and push my buttons.

Unfortunately it was "door close" which didn't do anything.

Help

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rul...

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A sadist and a masochist are stuck in an elevator

The masochist says, "hurt me!"

The sadist replies, "No."

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This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator...

I was staring at her boobs as she got on the elevator when she asked, "Would you please press one?" So I did. I don't remember much after that.

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woman's new perfume

A woman stepped into an elevator at Macy’s Department store after having just purchased a new perfume called Essence of Snowy Pines.



All of a sudden as she stood in the elevator; she had an unstoppable urge to fart.



Since she was alone on the elevator, she let rip a lon...

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door.

She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

“I'll be ready in a few minutes. Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and, if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.”
...

Funny how Americans call it an "elevator" instead of a "lift" and...

... my American crush says "Stop messaging me or I'm calling the cops" instead of "I love you".

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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

I was asked if I wanted to take the elevator or stairs up.

I decided on the latter.

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore

They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

At work I put my desk in the elevator

This should take my career to a whole new level

I love elevator jokes

They lift me up when I'm down

She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up.

She was wrong on so many levels

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The old man and the elevator.

An old man from the country takes his family to town for the first time. They're at the mall and the mall has an elevator. Him and his son are watching this thing in amazement as they never saw one before and was not sure what it was. An older lady at least 80 with Gray hair in rollers and a walkin...

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A man and a woman are standing in an elevator

Man: Excuse me, Miss, can I smell your butt?

Woman: (Disgusted) What!? Of course not!

Man: Oh, I see... well then I guess that must be your breath.

I’m terrified of elevators.

So I've decided that I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

My husband always takes the elevator, whereas I always prefer the stairs.

**I guess we are raised differently :/**

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A man and woman get on an elevator. He pushes a button and says, “I’m on the second floor—where are you going?” She replies,

“to two too.”

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This young lad gets in the elevator, I'm standing by the buttons, so he says "fifth floor mate?"

When we get there I say "There you go, son" and he says "Don't call me son! You're not my dad!"

And I say "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

A young, extremely perky woman gets into an elevator with an older man...

The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!

The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."

The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."

He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.

Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank ...

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I held an elevator door for an elderly patient...

I don't know if this belongs in jokes but I had to post it somewhere.

I am in the main hospital. I am going up to the 3rd floor and I call the elevator. I see an elderly patient coming and hold the door for him.

Patient: "Thank you"
Me: "Absolutely, where are we going?" wondering wh...

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I masturbated in front of my pastor on the elevator…

It was wrong on so many levels

(Inspired by Bo Burnham)

I farted in an elevator full of people, but no one reacted

It must have been a noble gas.

Construction trades

I know elevator workers make decent money but the job its self has its ups & downs.

I got fired from my job for assuring my clients that I will never let them down

I guess being an elevator operator isn’t my forte

My best friend rewired an elevator in our building so it would always display the wrong floor...

I told him it was wrong on so many levels.

Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied t...

You should get a job as an elevator

It’s easy to get a raise!

Why do ghosts love elevators?

It lifts their spirits.

I think I’m gonna go to school to become an elevator mechanic...

...although I’ve heard the job has some serious ups and downs.

What did the American elevator say to the British elevator?

You lift bro?

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

What’s the difference between your father and an elevator?

An elevator can raise a family.

A blonde and brunette walk into an elevator

They exchange pleasantries and the door closes, the next floor a man gets in with terrible dandruff.
Both women look at each other but don’t say anything.
When the man gets off and the door shuts they share a laugh.
The brunette says “wow he could definitely use some head and shoulders!”<...

A business man got on an elevator in a building.

When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”<...

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Quit Your Job. Sell Your House. Go to Vegas.

This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day h...

A group of 40-year-old blokes who were having a reunion discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should mee...

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Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

Don't use an elevator during a fire.

Use water instead.

[NSFW] A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pa...

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Kid goes into funeral business

A kid from Pennsylvania's gone to Chicago to study the funeral business with Frank E. Campbell, the world's most renowned mortician, and he calls home.


He says, "Pop, you wouldn't believe how exciting it is working with Frank E. Campbell. It's unbelievable."


His father sa...

A blonde and a brunette are riding in an elevator...

At one point, a man steps aboard with dandruff all over his suit. He gets off a few floors later and the brunette turns to the blonde and whispers-

“Now THAT’S a guy who could really use some Head & Shoulders!”

The blonde looks perplexed:

“How do you give somebody shoulde...

Two drunk guys walk into a hotel

snippering one word after another they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.

"So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor but the elevator is broken". The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping o...

Head & Shoulders

A Blonde and a Brunette on an elevator going to the first floor. A good looking guy wearing all black gets in the elevator and gets off in the 2nd floor, before the guy exits the elevator, the Brunette notices that he has dandruff on his shoulders. When the door closes the brunette tells the blonde....

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew ...

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

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My friend once shat himself in the elevator...

Same shit, different story

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How do they call elevator in China?

Well,on a button like everywhere else in the world

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Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator?

It lifts their spirits
happy spoopy day

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I spotted my ex in a hotel I was staying in. We ended up fucking in the elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

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visiting grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on...

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

They work on many levels.

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An anti fur activist got into an elevator and there was a woman wearing a mink coat.

The woman says "Do you know how many animals died for you to get that coat?" The other woman says "Do yo know how many animals I fucked to get this coat?"

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I don't know how to feel about elevator jokes

They really push my buttons...

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A woman is in an elevator when a man enters on the next floor...

After a few seconds the man turns to her and says "can I smell your pussy?"

Absolutley disgusted that someone would ask such a thing, she replies, "How dare you? Of course not!"

"Oh," says the man. "Must be your feet then.."

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A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”

The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”

A blonde and a brunette got stuck in an elevator..

Blonde starts shouting: "HELP! HELP!"


Brunette turns to her and says: "We should shout together."


Blonde: "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

Why do people smoke in elevators?

It gets you higher.

Blonde walks into an elevator

She sees her co worker Steve & says "TGIF". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies "NSIT". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies "TGIF, thank God it's Friday". Steve then says "NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday"

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A man entering the elevator bumps into a womens boob..

He says... “Madam, if your heart is as soft as your boob, I’m sure you’ll forgive me...”
She replied...” If you knob is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 102!”

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A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.

They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."

The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."

The priest no...

I left my sandwich in the elevator at work.

I wanted to take my lunch to the next level

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2 detectives are in an elevator

The first one asks the second detective what floor he has to go to. The second detective says to him “third floor” the first detective stares at him weirdly, then back at the buttons, noticing there were 8 buttons. He originally thought there were only 4. He turned to the second detective and says “...

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