UPJOKE
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I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.

I was wrong on so many levels.

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

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a man gets on a crowded hotel elevator

In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"

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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.


She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

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The Homophobics in my apartment building have been boycotting the elevators.

They found out elevators go both ways.

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

What’s the difference between your dad and an elevator

An elevator can raise a child

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Having sex in an elevator is wrong

on so many levels

I like elevator jokes

They're very uplifting

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...

And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.


The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."

The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"




No offense anyone...hehe

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew ...

A man is in an elevator...

A lady gets on and when the door closes he says, "Excuse me, can I smell your crotch?" The lady says, "Certainly not!" He says, "Must be your feet."

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Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

an old man and a young women in an elevator

The young woman says, "TGIF"
The old man says "S.H.I.T"
The young woman says "TGIF" again
The old man lowers his head and says "S.H.I.T"
The young woman says "Thank God it's friday"
The old man "Sorry honey it's Thursday"

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What happens when you get caught pooping in an elevator?

Shit goes down

Why do elevator operators hate Scott Stapp from Creed?

He keeps asking them if they can take him higher.

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A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.

They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."

The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."

The priest no...

Why did the ghost ride in the elevator?

To lift his spirits.

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This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs and she said "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

I heard a great joke about elevators

It works on many levels

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Whats another way to say“I pooped in the elevator”?

“I took that shit to another level”

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.

"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

A blonde and a brunette got stuck in an elevator..

Blonde starts shouting: "HELP! HELP!"


Brunette turns to her and says: "We should shout together."


Blonde: "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

Why can't Rick Astley be an elevator operator?

Because he said he'd never let you down.

What did the American elevator say to the British elevator?

You lift bro?

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

What’s the difference between an elevator and a pair of leggings?

The elevator has a weight limit to keep in mind.

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I’m in an elevator…

A woman walks in and I say “can I smell your feet?” She says “No!” So I responded “must be your pussy then.”

My neighbor got drunk last night and threw up in the elevator.

It was disgusting on so many levels.

Two blondes get stuck in elevator

One of them starts yelling: HELP, HEEEELP

The other one then suggests: Maybe we should start yelling together

The first blonde starts yelling again: TOGETHER, TOGETHEEEEER

I’m deathly afraid of elevators

I’m gonna start taking steps to avoid them

I love elevator jokes

They lift me up when I'm down

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A traveling salesman finds himself in an elevator

While he's all alone, he rips a huge stinking fart. He quickly opens his briefcase and takes out a can of air-freshener and give it a few squirts.

A few moments later another man enters the elevator, visibly disturbed by the strong smell.

"Smells nice doesn't it? It's a special blend o...

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The old man and the elevator.

An old man from the country takes his family to town for the first time. They're at the mall and the mall has an elevator. Him and his son are watching this thing in amazement as they never saw one before and was not sure what it was. An older lady at least 80 with Gray hair in rollers and a walkin...

A young, extremely perky woman gets into an elevator with an older man...

The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!

The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."

The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."

He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.

Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank ...

I'm not a fan of elevator music.

It's bad on so many levels.

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Amish elevator(it's an older joke)

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'


The father (neve...

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A Man in a cowboy hat is going up in an elevator when a beautiful young woman gets on at the next floor.

They stand in silence for a moment as the elevator begins it's accent with the old cowboy glancing a few times at the pretty young woman.

After a few more moments the old cowboy cracked a friendly smile and said "Excuse me, miss. I don't be to be rude, but...can I smell your pussy?"

Th...

Whenever I get sad I just put vodka in an elevator.

It really lifts my spirits.

Three blondes are trapped in an elevator

and one of them says

"OK girls we have to do something to get help"

"I think that we should all shout on three" says the other.

They all agree.

"OK, I'll count" says the third

1

2

3

"ON THREE"

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This young lad gets in the elevator, I'm standing by the buttons, so he says "fifth floor mate?"

When we get there I say "There you go, son" and he says "Don't call me son! You're not my dad!"

And I say "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

Because it lifts their spirit.

At work I put my desk in the elevator

This should take my career to a whole new level

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Man on an elevator

Man on an elevator asks the woman next to him, "Excuse me. Can I smell your pussy."

"No!", she exclaims angrily

"Oh sorry.", he says, "Must be your feet."

Why did the intern become an elevator repairman?

Because he didn't want to spend years climbing the corporate ladder.

A bipolar man was asked why he enjoyed his job working as an elevator operator.

“Because it has its ups and downs”

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I'm not a fan of elevator sex, its too quick.

I mean... what are you supposed to do for the rest of the ride?

What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?

A lift.

I saw a naked Chinese man take the elevator.

It was wong on so many levels.

Why did the pilot take the elevator instead of the stairs?

Too many flights

A joke told to me by a doctor in a hospital elevator

What are the three rules of proctology?

>!1) Don't shake hands!<

>!2) No finger foods!<

>!3) Don't pick your nose!<

Three women walk into an elevator

A blonde a brunette and a redhead. The door closes and a smear of a milky liquid is visible on the door. The brunette sniffs it and say "I think that is cum..."
The blond touches it and moves it around between her fingers and thumb and agrees..." that's cum".
The redhead dropped to he...

A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

After making small talk the man asks the lady where she's headed.

" I'm going to the blood bank. They're paying 10 dollars to everyone who donates blood this week. " she responded.

The man responded back, " Oh, what a coincidence. I'm headed to the sperm bank. They are paying 100 do...

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I held an elevator door for an elderly patient...

I don't know if this belongs in jokes but I had to post it somewhere.

I am in the main hospital. I am going up to the 3rd floor and I call the elevator. I see an elderly patient coming and hold the door for him.

Patient: "Thank you"
Me: "Absolutely, where are we going?" wondering wh...

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A sadist and a masochist are stuck in an elevator

The masochist says, "hurt me!"

The sadist replies, "No."

How do you get over a fear of elevators?

Take some steps to avoid them.

(Sorry for the dumb joke and if it's a repost, quarantine is hard.)

Don't use an elevator during a fire.

Use water instead.

I rode an elevator today manufactured by a company named “Schindler”

I was on Schindler’s Lift.

You should get a job as an elevator

It’s easy to get a raise!

A blonde and brunette walk into an elevator

They exchange pleasantries and the door closes, the next floor a man gets in with terrible dandruff.
Both women look at each other but don’t say anything.
When the man gets off and the door shuts they share a laugh.
The brunette says “wow he could definitely use some head and shoulders!”<...

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.

On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid. The brunette notices it first and says,
"Oh my God, that looks like semen."
The redhead bends down and sniffs,
"Oh my god, this smells like semen."
The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it, and st...

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The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the e...

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A man and a woman are standing in an elevator

Man: Excuse me, Miss, can I smell your butt?

Woman: (Disgusted) What!? Of course not!

Man: Oh, I see... well then I guess that must be your breath.

A blonde and a brunette are riding in an elevator...

At one point, a man steps aboard with dandruff all over his suit. He gets off a few floors later and the brunette turns to the blonde and whispers-

“Now THAT’S a guy who could really use some Head & Shoulders!”

The blonde looks perplexed:

“How do you give somebody shoulde...

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father"...

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How do they call elevator in China?

Well,on a button like everywhere else in the world

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

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My husband said that tonight he'd treat me like an elevator and push my buttons.

Unfortunately it was "door close" which didn't do anything.

I love elevator jokes

They never seem to go anywhere but they work on so many levels.

Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.

My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.

Funny how Americans call it an "elevator" instead of a "lift" and...

... my American crush says "Stop messaging me or I'm calling the cops" instead of "I love you".

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Three blondes are in an elevator

Conversing as they ride to their office on the top floor when they notice a peculiar stain on the wall.

The first one leans down to inspect it closer and says "I think this is cum!"

The second one leans down for a closer look and takes a sniff and says "I think your right, it smells li...

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore

They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I masturbated in front of my pastor on the elevator…

It was wrong on so many levels

(Inspired by Bo Burnham)

Blonde walks into an elevator

She sees her co worker Steve & says "TGIF". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies "NSIT". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies "TGIF, thank God it's Friday". Steve then says "NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday"

Elevator confusion

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator together and it stops to let a man on. The man is wearing a business suit and has obvious dandruff flakes on both shoulders. He says hello and gets out on the next floor. The women continue to ride in awkward silence when the brunette speaks up. She says, "...

A business man got on an elevator in a building.

When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator?

It lifts their spirits
happy spoopy day

What's the difference between an elevator and a redditor?

An elevator has a GF

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy?

Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.

I was asked if I wanted to take the elevator or stairs up.

I decided on the latter.

I farted in an elevator full of people, but no one reacted

It must have been a noble gas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why shouldnt you have sex with your cousin in a moving elevator?

Because its wrong on every level

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 detectives are in an elevator

The first one asks the second detective what floor he has to go to. The second detective says to him “third floor” the first detective stares at him weirdly, then back at the buttons, noticing there were 8 buttons. He originally thought there were only 4. He turned to the second detective and says “...

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NSFW I got on an elevator the other day, and a woman got on at the next floor. I asked her, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She was offended, and said, "No! Of course not!"

I said, "Huh. Must be your feet, then."

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