A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Being religious is dumb

Thank GOD Im atheist

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

my girlfriends parents are very religious

the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together

It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

What do you call a sinful religious figure?

A sain't.

Did you hear about the guy in court for desecrating religious icons?

His case really fell apart on the cross examination.

What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?

A firm believer.

What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

Religious wars to an atheist's standpoint

are just people fighting over who has the better imaginary friend

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

Religious squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had ta...

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

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I’m a virgin but for religious reasons....

...in that god made me very ugly.

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

What does a religious predator do?

It preys.

My family celebrates Christmas religiously

Every year.

Which games console do religious women like to play on?

The nun-tendo wii

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

Many dinosaurs were very religious

In fact, prior to the meteor strike that killed them off, the most devout dinos were taken to Heaven. It was The Velocirapture.

I find washing my feet to be a very religious process.

It's truly sole cleansing

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

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A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

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With climate change, income inequality, racism, xenophobia, religious extremists, war, and famine all around us, I often wonder what the world is coming to.

Then I check PornHub.

Turns out it’s stepsisters.

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

What did the religious salad say?

Lettuce pray

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

Loving noodles is almost as if you are religious

Can I get a ramen?

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

Yo Mama

You know your mama is a very religious woman. But she is so fat it doesn't seem to help her much. Every time she says, "Get thee behind me Satan!", he looks at her and says "How?"

Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me anot...

What do you call a religious women who throws things?

A nunchuck

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

At a religious education lesson, the teacher asks Johnny "What is red, has a tail and lives in a forest?"

Johnny replies "I'd say that it's a fox, but knowing those lessons, I think the answer is Jesus."

A religious man asks an athiest, “Do we have free will?”

Atheist: “We do, but only because we have no choice!”

What do you call a religious eagle?

Bird of pray.

Religious Cowboy

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a...

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

What’s a non-religious crusader called?

A mass murderer you dumb dumb

I mixed laxitives in with the Holy water today.

It started a religious movement.

Why do Reddit use Karma instead of another religious symbol?

We all know what happened last time when Christians fought for the Cross.

Recently, an outspoken atheist bought a local bookstore

The first change he made was renaming the religious section Crucifiction

What's the most religious game in the world

Hide and sikh

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.

"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."

"It’s in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."

"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins wh...

Why are religious resturants so expensive?

they have bi-bills

I’m lucky that my son’s girlfriend is a very religious girl

Everytime she comes over I can hear her saying “oh god” a lot, sounds like she loves to pray.

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A religious man falls overboard in the middle of the ocean and no one notices and the boat drives away...

...So he’s floating in the middle of the ocean and a cruise ship finds him.

“Need help?” One of the passengers says

“No thank you, god will save me.” The man says

The ship drives off and an hour later another one comes. The same scenario happens again the man keeps saying that g...

A boy and girl are sitting in religious studies class

The teacher asks the girl, "Who is the all knowing and all powerful?" The boy sees that the girl has fallen a sleep and pokes her in the back. The girl shouts "God Almighty!" The teacher says "Very good" and the girl falls back asleep. Later in the class, the teacher asks the girl who their saviour ...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

What do you call a place of religious worship for Tesla cars?

An Elon Mosque

I was scanning radio stations and landed on a religious show where the host made mention of Jesus’s will.

I thought “wow, someone should read that. It would probably solve a lot of arguments.”

I asked my religious friend why he doesn't like math

He replied "cos it's a sin"

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” and speeds past them.

From around the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash....

A young man becomes a born again Christian after reading a religious flyer at his college.

He doesn’t initially tell his girlfriend, justifying the embarrassment as natural to any young infant in the faith. But in the following weeks his commitment escalates dramatically, and he takes up a position as a Christian missionary to Uganda.
One day the dreaded phone call wakes him up. Ob...

I was asked to guess the religious affiliation of various bodies of water

I said "I can't think of any lakes that could be Jewish"

"But the sea might"

What do religious dads do at barbecues?

They speak in tongs.

Abraham's Four-Step Plan

Step 1: become religious

Step 2: receive the literal word of God

Step 3: ???

Step 4: prophet

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

A Cowboy is looking in the market for a new horse...

He walks in to town and sees on a churches sign horse for free come inside and ask the pastor.

The Cowboy walks and talkes to the pastor:

Cowboy: So... I hear you have a horse for free?

Pastor: I sure do, but you have to know that this horse is special. It will only move forward...

What’s religious Alzheimer’s Disease?

It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

I know a guy who religiously gets his teeth checked once per week

. He's a Seventh Day A Dentist

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john arrives in heaven

And at the entrance, St. Peter shows him a high high-rise building where they must enter.

The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.

On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard rel...

What do you call the religious leader of law enforcement?

the popope.

A poor man is about to marry into a rich family

The father of the bride-to-be asks the poor man: “how will you provide for my daughter?”

The poor man replies: “God will provide”

The father of the bride thinks that the poor man is at least religious and will treat his daughter well.

During the wedding practice the father of th...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man about to jump off. I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious or not?"

"I am!"

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too...

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo...

What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious.

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Four Types of Female Orgasms (nsfw)

Fred do you know that women have four types of orgasms?
No what are they?
You can tell by the sounds they make.

First is the religious Orgasm Oh God O GOD O GOD!!!
Second is the negative Orgasm oh no OH NO NO NO!!!
Third is the posative Orgasm oh yes OH YES YES YES!!!
Last is ...

I once read somewhere that the most religious nations are generally the poorest...

I thought about it for a little bit, and I came to the conclusion that it must be true...

Because someone blessed the rains down in Africa.

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

What's the difference between a kid in America and the USSR?

A kid in America makes a snow angel, and that's that.

A kid in Soviet Russia makes a snow angel, and gets arrested for spreading pro-religious propaganda.

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

Bill Gates is walking on his private beach of his villa...

...and finds an old bottle in the sand. He opens it and a genie appears. The genie euphorically says: "Thanks for the rescue, Master, you have one wish."
Gates does not think long and says: "Here is a map with all the crisis areas of the earth. There should be peace everywhere." The ghost takes t...

I go to the gym religiously...

About 2 times a year around the holidays.

Why did the little whale wear a burka?

For religious porpoises.

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A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

You can't perform a religious ceremony with only using a few parts of a ladder

Two rungs don't make a rite

Teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student: I didn't even know they're religious.

Interviewer: Why are you leaving your current organization?

Candidate: I have major religious differences at work!





Interviewer: What are those differences? Candidate:

My manager thinks he is God, I don't!

On a first date

HER: So, are you religious?

FRANKENSTEIN: I'm part Catholic

HER: Oh…your mother or your father?

FRANKENSTEIN: My foot.

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...

Did you hear about this religious conman?

He believes in lie after death.

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A rabbi and the Pope have a religious debate

Several of the Pope's officials are concerend about the growing Jewish population in Rome, so the encourage the Holy Father to set up a religious debate with the head Rabbi. If the Rabbi loses, he must leave Rome. If he wins, they can stay.

However, the Rabbi doesn't speak Italian or Latin an...

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