Mike Tyson is a religious guy.

He punches people in the faith.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

What do you call a religious Indian man that doesn't want to be found?

Hidin' Sikh

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons.

I drink it for other reasons.

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Religious bears

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is hi...

My wife is a deeply religious cook...

Everything she makes is either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.

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Why do religious people and porn stars kneel ?

Porn stars wait for the first cumming and religious people wait for the second cumming

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I finally have to face the truth: I have a fetish for religious iconography.

I guess this is my cum to Jesus moment.

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

A religious joke told by my pastor years ago

God, one day in heaven, lined up all of the married couples in the world and heaven he could find. He said to the men, “My children, I have a task for you all. Those of you who feel that you are the head of the household, step to the left. Those of you who think your wife is the head of the househol...

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

What do you call a religious beard?

Faith-al hair.

My grandfather always told me that he was religious

I find that hard to believe

Religious CD (NSFW)

My muslim friend told me had purchased a a copy of the Koran on CD, so I asked him to burn me one.



Then hell broke loose....

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

What do you call a religious tropical tree?

A psalm tree.

Why are there Religious holidays but no Scientific holiday?

Because Science always works.

I floss religiously.

Every Easter and Christmas.

What do you call a religious crocodile?

An Allah Gator!

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said

"Have to love Easter, baby...."

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Why are religious gays always well dressed?

because they spent years in the closet

What lives in a tree, is very religious and is sometimes able to open doors?

A Monk-Key

I'm religious about brushing my teeth.

I do it twice a year on Christmas and Easter.

Little billy lives in the country and gets home from school one day to see the family rooster dead on the ground laying on it's back, legs up in the air. He asks his dad "why did it die in such a position?" His dad being religious and quick thinking says

"it's so God can just grab him by his feet and lift him off into heaven." Billy thinks this is ok. A few days go by and billy runs up to his dad and says "DAD, DAD! MOM ALMOST DIED, MOM ALMOST DIED! I heard her screaming Jesus I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming. and when I went to check on her, she was on...

A murderer, politician and religious man walks into a bar

and that's only the first guy

A man buys a religious horse.

One day, a man goes horse buying. He comes across a farmer who happens to be selling a horse 2 miles away from his house.

The man goes to the farmers ranch and inspects the horse. After looking at the horses mouth, legs, tail, and anything else one may imagine, he decides to buy the horse....

I go to the gym religiously...

about twice a year around holidays.

Religious Grandma Still Drives

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I ...

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My wife and I are going to start an alternative religious store

Holy Shit

Religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

A religious woman goes to the store to get some bread, but isn't able to buy it. Why?

There was nun left

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

There’s a new gym in town that’s religious

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

Now you know

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In t...

I've religiously disinfected the groceries in my weekly supermarket delivery

Except for the items I take over to my mother-in-law

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

When a member of certain religious fraternities eats scrambled eggs.

It goes out of the frying pan and into the friar.

Thanksgiving Dinner

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after pay...

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Religious Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened befo...

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Religious parrots

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"...

There once was a kingdom in a far off land.

The kingdom was called Tridd, and the king had a troll problem. On a nearby mountain, there was a troll that would hurl rocks at the kingdom. So he sent an army of his best soldiers to kill it. However, the troll simply kicked them all down the mountain.

So, the king tried to negotiate with t...

my girlfriends parents are very religious

the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together

It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive

What do you call a religious Russian hacker that leaks your private information?

Orthodoxxer.

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car suddenly breaks-down. They set out to find help, and come to a farmhouse. When they knock on the door, the farmer explains that he has only two beds, and one of the three has to sleep in the barn with the animals.

The three quickly agree. The Rabbi says he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi leaves, there's a knock on the bedroom door. It's the Rabbi, exclaiming, "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the s...

A town floods and there is a religious man stuck on his ceiling.

On the first day a boat with other civilians passes by and asks if they want to go with them to safety. The man replies with “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day firefighters come by in a rescue boat and asks the man if he wants help. He again replies “God will supply me and be my sav...

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

A Religious Woman Get Married at 17

She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him.

He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side.

One year later she gets called to Heaven.

At her funeral, the Pri...

Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors

Are you with me shofar?

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents weren't religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

‟When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

Religious Freedom was really strong in Soviet Union…

Proof: They did Ramadan all year long.

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

Hell can't be that bad.

At least there won't be any religious people there.

What do a religious transman and Pinocchio have in common?

Every night they pray "Please God, I want to be a real boy."

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WARNING THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING

Did Jesus die a virgin?
No he was nailed first.

The secret of long life

A young man met a cowboy who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old-timer what the secret was to his longevity.


The old man said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning see. If you do, you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."


So ...

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

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How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

Being religious is dumb

Thank GOD Im atheist

How many chaste religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb at the monastery?

Nun

What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?

A firm believer.

I’m trying to make a religious pun,

but I’ve got nun.

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My Jewish co-worker says that he can't work on Saturdays for "religious reasons".

I don't know though, that seems a bit Unorthodox to me.

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Three religious bi-curious dudes are driving down a dark and dangerous road

As they speed along they're comparing the lewd details of their same sex encounters when they all suddenly die in terrible crash.

When they arrive at the gates of Heaven they see Saint Peter waiting for them with a welcoming smile.

As they approach Saint Peter says to the first man. "W...

A man wants to go horseback riding

When the man gets to the ranch, he asks the owner if he can ride of the horses. The owner replies “Looks like we have one horse you can ride, however this horse is a little different than our other horses”.

The man asks “How so?”

“This horse is religious. I ride this horse to church, i...

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Two old men meet every morning on a park bench after religious services.

One day one of the old men shows up with a black eye.

The other guy says “What happened”

He says “ I was at mass, and a beautiful young woman was in the pew in front of me. About halfway through, I noticed her short skirt had gotten wedged in between her ass cheeks. After a while, I c...

The Atheist and the bear.

One beautiful morning, an atheist was walking through the forest, admiring nature's surroundings...
He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...
He saw the river glisten and the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...
He thoug...

Religious wars to an atheist's standpoint

are just people fighting over who has the better imaginary friend

Ole John

John was a religious boy who he prayed all night that he be accepted into heaven, the very next day he had a vision where Jesus told him “come fourth and you will receive eternal life” But John came fifth and won a flip phone

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

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A classic South African van der Merwe joke

Jan van de Merwe is a South African farmer and he really wants a shiny new tractor but he can't afford it! So he makes a plan: he is going to win the lottery and use the money to buy a new tractor. He is also a religious man, so every night before going to sleep he kneels by his bed and prays:
...

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

What do you call a religious animal

Alvin the chipmonk

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

Did you hear about the guy in court for desecrating religious icons?

His case really fell apart on the cross examination.

What does a religious predator do?

It preys.

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

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[NSFW] The Vatican is about to select 5 archbishops from a group of 30 religious and pious priests. Due to previous scandals and accusations the Pope has decided to make the appointment procedure different and complicated so that only the best remains.

All the priests were stripped naked and a bell was tied to their penis. After that right in front of them, a group of 30 gorgeous nude women were brought. The goal was to find out how much resistance the priests have and how strong their devotion to God was. The ladies started to dance, twerk, even ...

The Spiritual Healer

One day a traveling religious healer came to a small town. He promised that through the power of the Lord he could cure any ailment no matter how severe.

That night the town gathered in the town square to see a huge stage with a long white curtain and a large golden cross. The healer aske...

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With climate change, income inequality, racism, xenophobia, religious extremists, war, and famine all around us, I often wonder what the world is coming to.

Then I check PornHub.

Turns out it’s stepsisters.

What do you call a sinful religious figure?

A sain't.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestan...

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There is a sunday ritual at St.Peter's Basillica, Rome

Even pope attends to it. It is a whole babel.

Two men draws attention next to church's gate. Both have huge plates on them hang om their neck. It is written

"I am a religious Christian. Please help me" and
"I am Jewish"

on the plates.

People who are leaving the church ...

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

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I’m a virgin but for religious reasons....

...in that god made me very ugly.

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

A long haired 16 year-old with a rich grandmother is trying to get her to buy him a car, but she says she will only do it if he cuts his hair

Not wanting to lose his long hair, the teenager argues with her over the course of days. "Grandma, all the other kids have a car!" She replies "I don't care, cut your hair and you can have one too." This argument is repeated multiple times a day, with him also making other arguments. Grandma doesn't...

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A priest walks into a pub

A priest walks into a pub and orders a pint of Guinness. "There you go," says the barman." but I warn you we don't tolerate any religious conversation in this pub." "Far be it from me," replies the priest. "In fact, I bet you a drink that you mention religion before I do." "You're on," says the barm...

Religious squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had ta...

My Muslim friend doesn’t eat Italian sausage

It’s not a religious thing, Isalamiphobia

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Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

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A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

What's black and white and red all over?

* Classic answer: A newspaper.
* Children's answer: A zebra with a suntan.
* Holiday answer: Santa at the bottom of the chimney.
* Religious answer: An priest realizing that he really is wearing a dress.
* Appalling answer: An interracial couple in an automobile accident.

Contrary to popular belief

I'm not religious.

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

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The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

Which games console do religious women like to play on?

The nun-tendo wii

Many dinosaurs were very religious

In fact, prior to the meteor strike that killed them off, the most devout dinos were taken to Heaven. It was The Velocirapture.

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

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A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

Loving noodles is almost as if you are religious

Can I get a ramen?

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the j...

I find washing my feet to be a very religious process.

It's truly sole cleansing

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

Airplanes are atheist.

Jets are religious.

Why? Because Jetspray.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

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