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Religious Jokes

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A priest, one of many in his deeply religious town, decides to skip Mass one Sunday morning to enjoy the day playing golf.

Fortunately for him, as Mass was a rather large gathering, his absence isn't noticed by the other townsfolk.

However, God notices and is determined to exact a punishment. God spends a few minutes pondering his options, before ordering his angels to ensure that the priest gets a hole-in-one on...

A truck driver hated seeing door-to-door religious zealots walking down the road

He hated how they would go from house to house, bothering people and questioning their faith. So whenever he would see some walking down the road, he would slow down, ease over, and bump them with his fender to make them fall down into the mud on the side of the road. He grew to enjoy the satisfac...

Religious

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him...

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.

**Man:** God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

**God:** I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

**Man:** And why did you mak...

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What do you call a stupid religious person.

Holy shit.



(This isn't meant to offend anybody.)

What do you call a religious organization that doesn’t make any money?

A non-prophet!

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

Why are Catholics so upbeat after religious services?

Because they convert Mass into energy.

Why did the chicken grow up religious?

It was pastor raised

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A priest and a rabbi are standing at the side of the road holding a sign that says "Turn around. The end is nigh." A young man passing by in a car leans out to shout at them, "Get fucked you religious freaks" and races away. Moments later they hear a yell and a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says "I told you, we should have just said 'Warning. Bridge collapsed.'"

What's the difference between pay-per-view boxing and charismatic religious broadcasts?

When a boxer knocks someone out it's for real.

Jacob was a religious man.

He attended church regularly. He was a Deacon in his church. He raised his family to believe in the Lord, but never passed judgement on anyone, believing that judgement was reserved for God alone. When he saw others going astray he would keep his thoughts to himself, unless asked. In short, he alway...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

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There are three religious truths

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

What’s a religious saying atheists can agree with?

“He who fears god has nothing to fear”

Looking forward to Iran vs USA in the World Cup. A bunch of semi-literate religious fundamentalists stuck in the 19th century.

But I think Iran can probably beat them

Did you hear about the new religious group of dentists?

They called themselves the Holy Molars.

According to some historians, Julius Caesar was very religious.

In the very end, he died a holy man.

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Polly wants a working girl

So a woman walks into my church and she's like, 'Father, I got a problem. I got two parrots, but they're both female and all they know how to say is one thing.'

And I'm like, 'What do they say?'

And she gets all red in the face and she's like, 'They say "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you...

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory

(English is my second language here but I will try to do my best, it is probably funnier in my language- A rephrase is welcomed!)

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory. The religious man was trying to convince the scientist that facts are more clearer than the sci...

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him.

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him. He glanced at my notes and said "you might want to reconsider that."

I grew up in a religious household and I used to pray and ask God for a bicycle

As I got older I learned that God and praying didn't work this way. So I stole a bicycle and ask God to forgive me

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A religious mother sees her young son masturbating

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have ...

Mike Tyson is SO religious

That he punches people in the faith.

Why are dyslexic people religious?

Because they think god is man's best friend.

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

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What do I say now?

One bright and cheery Saturday morning a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.



The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some religious stories.”



“Well, come on in,” says the homeowner. He takes the stranger to...

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a nun refused to have sex with me, on religious gounds.

So we went next door.

A burglar entered into a religious woman's house

Once a wealthy old religious woman caught a burglar ransacking her things. She had lived her whole life as a celibate, almost like a nun.

”Listen lady, keep quiet if you don’t want to be hurt. Just tell me where your jewels are.”
She said, ”I don’t keep them here. They are in the bank in ...

An American man fled to Germany

The American police were after him after he killed nine people. The German police then found and arrested him. They took him to the station for questioning. Thankfully, the man did speak German. The German police had heard from the American police that this man never lies, which is true. So, the Ger...

Dear diary,

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious o...

Disturbance in church

A priest talks to a man who visits church religiously every sunday with his wife. The wife tends to fall asleep during his monologue and starts snoring rather loudly, and he'd like the husband to do something about it. They decide to use a knitting needle, where the husband would poke her when the p...

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

Two nuns walk into a bar.

The bartender is surprised and then asks them

"I'm sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?"

"We know it's not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here."

The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender a...

What do you call a religious fish poem?

A Psalmon.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hand on. Then he heard a voice. It said, "Jesus is watching you."

Thinking it's in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar not very religious bu...

My wife is a deeply religious cook...

Everything she makes is either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.

Just Married

Following their wedding, the bride and groom retired to the honeymoon suite. Being staunchly religious folk, they had not been intimate, and the bride, being hesitant, watched as the groom removed his trousers. With a horrified look she gasped, "My Lord, what happened to your legs?"

"Well...

Bumper sticker

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I'm glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!

I found lots of people who loved Jesus.<...

a 17 year old and a pharmacist

A 17-year-old walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. After that, I hope it comes to the extreme, if you understand ..." The pharmacist says, "I understand. I suppose you could use condoms? Here's a pack for you." The young man tha...

Grandma is eighty-eight and drives her own car...

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunder...

Why is it religious ships never make it far from port?

Because they are holy

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

Why don’t religious people like rap music?

All rappers do is hop in the booth and confess to a bunch of crimes they’ve committed.

That’s Catholicism.

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To all religious people saying homosexuality is a sin

It’s the BIble, not the straightble

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession...

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms

The pharmacist asks "How Many"

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. So can I get 10?" The young man m...

Religious bears

It's my cake day and mom told me it was my turn to repost this joke

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read t...

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One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
...

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons.

I drink it for other reasons.

My parents are really religious

My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said

"Have to love Easter, baby...."

Dating a religious girl is the best

I cheat, she finds out.
Then we go and pray. And **BLAME THE DEVIL FOR IT.**

A 15 year old boy with long hair wants a car when he turns 16

His grandmother is very rich, and tells him she will buy him a car on one condition: he cuts his hair. The boy is upset, as he loves having a full head of long hair.

He thinks of a loophole for days, and finally comes up with one. His grandmother is a deeply religious woman.

He comes...

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

What's the most religious number?

Sikhs.

A woman takes her religious husband to the doctor.

During the visit, the husband says to the doctor "my eyesight is going, so I'm grateful that God is so helpful. When I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, God turns the light on when I enter and off when I leave."

Afterward, the doctor tells the woman about this and expresses conce...

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I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

Literal Omnipotence

As the holidays approach, many donation boxes spring up in the streets of New York, like mushrooms after rain, hoping for the holiday spirit to infect patrons with some extra generosity.

A tired commuter walks past some religious donation box, with the attendant soliciting, "Share in the hol...

My Muslim friend is so religious...

... he can read the Quran back to front

What’s a religious person’s favourite weapon?

Nunchucks

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I'm surprised there isn't more religious panic about foot fetishists.

After all, they are cumming for our soles.

My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

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I always thought Friar Tuck was a religious man.

Now I realise the dirty bastard just likes spoonerisms.

What do you call a religious Indian man that doesn't want to be found?

Hidin' Sikh

I asked my friend why he only wore a mask when he was in church.

He said his doctor advised him to wear them religiously.

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Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

The Pope speeding.

The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope ...

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A very religious man had been getting high phone bills for a while

One month his bill was 2 times his normal amount.

The next, it was 3x

On the fourth month, he got home to an unusual scenery: his parrot was on the phone talking about sex with someone.

The man becomes livid with the situation, and checks the bills only to find out that his pa...

Notice at a religious place

Do not leave your cell phone,wallet,hand bags,gifts, un-attended; others may think they found an answer to their prayers!

What do you call a religious rabbit?

A pray animal

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehova's Fitness

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

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I'll never understand why religious extremists become suicide bombers in order to get 72 virgins when they die.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

I always wondered if cats are religious ...

then I realized that they are all practicing cat licks.

I don't eat meat for religious reasons

I eat it becouse i like the taste

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the j...

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Why do religious people and porn stars kneel ?

Porn stars wait for the first cumming and religious people wait for the second cumming

An old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter…

That if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, an...

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

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Why are religious gays always well dressed?

because they spent years in the closet

Religious differences

“I heard you got divorced? What happened?”

“Religious differences destroyed our marriage.”

“Religious differences?”

“Yes, I wasn’t allowed to love my neighbor.”

A religious joke told by my pastor years ago

God, one day in heaven, lined up all of the married couples in the world and heaven he could find. He said to the men, “My children, I have a task for you all. Those of you who feel that you are the head of the household, step to the left. Those of you who think your wife is the head of the househol...

A man buys a religious horse.

One day, a man goes horse buying. He comes across a farmer who happens to be selling a horse 2 miles away from his house.

The man goes to the farmers ranch and inspects the horse. After looking at the horses mouth, legs, tail, and anything else one may imagine, he decides to buy the horse....

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

There’s a new gym in town that’s religious

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

What do you call a religious crocodile?

An Allah Gator!

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A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:
<...

Religious Boyfriend

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to t...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

A religious man was stuck on top of his house because of a flood

A man came by in a boat and said "Quickly get in or you're gonna drown!"
The religious man said "I don't need saving by you, God will save me!" So the man rowed away.
Another man came by in a boat and said the same thing, but the religious man knew that God would save him so he refused.
...

What do you call a religious beard?

Faith-al hair.

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

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A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week:

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question ...

Could I be a judge in a Jewish religious court?

No, not in this Dayan age.

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

A man's broken fence

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be...

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”
​

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

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Did you know that there are 4 different kinds of orgasms?

There are the positive ones, "yes, yes, yes oh yes! "
There are the negative ones, "no, no, no oh no!"
There are the religious ones, "God, God, God, oh my God!"
And there are the fake ones, (insert name of person you're telling it to) moan (name again)

Why are there no ikea’s in religious states?

Because you can’t put the simplest thing together without cussing!

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

I floss religiously.

Every Easter and Christmas.

A murderer, politician and religious man walks into a bar

and that's only the first guy

In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

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A girl is sleeping in her religious studies class...

The teacher asks the class, 'According to the Bible, who created man?'. The boy sitting next to the sleeping girl is bored and wet willies the girl. She wakes up and screams, 'OH GOD!'. The teacher replies, 'Correct!' The girl falls asleep again.

Next, the teacher asks the class, 'Who is th...

What lives in a tree, is very religious and is sometimes able to open doors?

A Monk-Key

I quit my job over religious differences.

My Boss thought he was a God, I didn’t.

God spoke to me today.

He said "Stay in bed and skip work".

Turns out my boss isn't religious and I'm unemployed.

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's

Little billy lives in the country and gets home from school one day to see the family rooster dead on the ground laying on it's back, legs up in the air. He asks his dad "why did it die in such a position?" His dad being religious and quick thinking says

"it's so God can just grab him by his feet and lift him off into heaven." Billy thinks this is ok. A few days go by and billy runs up to his dad and says "DAD, DAD! MOM ALMOST DIED, MOM ALMOST DIED! I heard her screaming Jesus I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming. and when I went to check on her, she was on...

My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.

She didn't believe I was God.

What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?

A firm believer.

What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

My grandfather always told me that he was religious

I find that hard to believe

Religious CD (NSFW)

My muslim friend told me had purchased a a copy of the Koran on CD, so I asked him to burn me one.



Then hell broke loose....

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking

A religious zealot walks into a comedy club, waving a calendar and demanding his due pastries...

"I am the Thirteenth Apostle! It is my cake day." Screams the zealot.

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