UPJOKE
judaismislamfaithbuddhismchristianityritualbeliefdeityhinduismworshipchurchspiritualdevoutpiouschurchgoing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

Religious

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him...

What is the medication that is most hated by religious people?

The Ibuprofane

Why is it religious ships never make it far from port?

Because they are holy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a stupid religious person.

Holy shit.



(This isn't meant to offend anybody.)

Why are dyslexic people religious?

Because they think god is man's best friend.

What do you call a religious organization that doesn’t make any money?

A non-prophet!

An old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter…

That if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, an...

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A religious mother sees her young son masturbating

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a nun refused to have sex with me, on religious gounds.

So we went next door.

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.

**Man:** God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

**God:** I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

**Man:** And why did you mak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To all religious people saying homosexuality is a sin

It’s the BIble, not the straightble

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three religious truths

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

What do you call a religious fish poem?

A Psalmon.

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

I grew up in a religious household and I used to pray and ask God for a bicycle

As I got older I learned that God and praying didn't work this way. So I stole a bicycle and ask God to forgive me

why dont religious people like jetaxi?

they ride the jebus

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession...

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "...

Aliens finally visit Earth.

They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
...

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

My parents are really religious

My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun

What's the most religious number?

Sikhs.

My Muslim friend is so religious...

... he can read the Quran back to front

Why don’t religious people like rap music?

All rappers do is hop in the booth and confess to a bunch of crimes they’ve committed.

That’s Catholicism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

Dating a religious girl is the best

I cheat, she finds out.
Then we go and pray. And **BLAME THE DEVIL FOR IT.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

Mike Tyson is SO religious

That he punches people in the faith.

Religious bears

It's my cake day and mom told me it was my turn to repost this joke

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm surprised there isn't more religious panic about foot fetishists.

After all, they are cumming for our soles.

My wife is a deeply religious cook...

Everything she makes is either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.

Aliens arrive on earth

And all political and religious leaders line up to meet with them.

Finally it's the Pope's turn, and he asks them about Jesus.

P: "So have you heard about Jesus?"

A: "Yeah! Nice guy, comes to visit every year!"

The Pope is puzzled by this, and he replies "that's weird, ...

Two men are fishing at the river on a bridge.

After a while a funeral procession comes by and walks past them. One of the fishers stands up, takes off his hat and stands silently until the procession has passed.

When he sat down again his friend said: “I didn’t know you were such a religious and compassionate man.”

He answered: “W...

a very enthusiastic teen

Went to the drug store to get the necessities of his first love making experience.
He said to the pharmacist "I need 12 rubbers. I have a hot date with the school tramp. We are going all the way tonight"

Later that night at his dates house. The girls family invites him in for some dinner...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always thought Friar Tuck was a religious man.

Now I realise the dirty bastard just likes spoonerisms.

A man buys a pack of condoms at the pharmacy...

The pharmacist says "Large pack, huh?" The guy buying says "Yeah. I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents tonight. After dinner when we go home we'll be getting it on." Later at the dinner, the guy is praying before he eats his food. His girlfriend says "I didn't know you were religious." The guy replie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very religious man had been getting high phone bills for a while

One month his bill was 2 times his normal amount.

The next, it was 3x

On the fourth month, he got home to an unusual scenery: his parrot was on the phone talking about sex with someone.

The man becomes livid with the situation, and checks the bills only to find out that his pa...

A woman takes her religious husband to the doctor.

During the visit, the husband says to the doctor "my eyesight is going, so I'm grateful that God is so helpful. When I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, God turns the light on when I enter and off when I leave."

Afterward, the doctor tells the woman about this and expresses conce...

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons.

I drink it for other reasons.

What’s a religious person’s favourite weapon?

Nunchucks

The soundtrack from Mortal Kombat was created around Nordic religious music.

It's a Finnish hymn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly married couple bought two sleeping coach cabin tickets in a train. The journey was on a weekday and not that many people buys sleeping coach

tickets for that route. Once they went inside the cabin, they saw no one was around. They smirked at each other meaning they could make love vigorously during the journey as they were alone. But suddenly, breaking their hopes came an old bearded religious man wearing long white robes.
They began...

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said

"Have to love Easter, baby...."

A preacher buys a parrot

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A palestinian calls a sheikh for religious advice..

A palestinian called a sheikh and asked: "If we liberate Palestine and Al Aqsa, then we catch an israelian woman soldier and fuck her, would that be halal?" The sheikh replied "You liberate Palestine and you can fuck my mom too"

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time...

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time. Just before, the wife looks at her vagina for the first time in years and sees that it is very large. Worried, she calls her mother. Her mother says it runs in the family, and that she should layer the inside of it wit...

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

Notice at a religious place

Do not leave your cell phone,wallet,hand bags,gifts, un-attended; others may think they found an answer to their prayers!

What do you call a religious rabbit?

A pray animal

I always wondered if cats are religious ...

then I realized that they are all practicing cat licks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never understand why religious extremists become suicide bombers in order to get 72 virgins when they die.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

I don't eat meat for religious reasons

I eat it becouse i like the taste

What do you call a religious Indian man that doesn't want to be found?

Hidin' Sikh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

Could I be a judge in a Jewish religious court?

No, not in this Dayan age.

What did the religious zealots call their gym?

Jehovah's Fitness

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

Religious differences

“I heard you got divorced? What happened?”

“Religious differences destroyed our marriage.”

“Religious differences?”

“Yes, I wasn’t allowed to love my neighbor.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do religious people and porn stars kneel ?

Porn stars wait for the first cumming and religious people wait for the second cumming

Why are there Religious holidays but no Scientific holiday?

Because Science always works.

A religious man was stuck on top of his house because of a flood

A man came by in a boat and said "Quickly get in or you're gonna drown!"
The religious man said "I don't need saving by you, God will save me!" So the man rowed away.
Another man came by in a boat and said the same thing, but the religious man knew that God would save him so he refused.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

A religious joke told by my pastor years ago

God, one day in heaven, lined up all of the married couples in the world and heaven he could find. He said to the men, “My children, I have a task for you all. Those of you who feel that you are the head of the household, step to the left. Those of you who think your wife is the head of the househol...

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

A man was enjoying his breakfast while completing the daily crossword in the newspaper

He asks his wife across the table:
"What is a four letter word for a religious song?"

Wife:
"Hymn"

Man:
"Yeah it's a tricky one"

Why are there no ikea’s in religious states?

Because you can’t put the simplest thing together without cussing!

There’s a new gym in town that’s religious

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are religious gays always well dressed?

because they spent years in the closet

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

What do you call a religious beard?

Faith-al hair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

my girlfriends parents are very religious

the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together

It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

What do you call a religious crocodile?

An Allah Gator!

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

A murderer, politician and religious man walks into a bar

and that's only the first guy

A man buys a religious horse.

One day, a man goes horse buying. He comes across a farmer who happens to be selling a horse 2 miles away from his house.

The man goes to the farmers ranch and inspects the horse. After looking at the horses mouth, legs, tail, and anything else one may imagine, he decides to buy the horse....

I go to the gym religiously...

about twice a year around holidays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone kept telling me I should go to an Alcoholics meeting

I said fine, I'll try it out.

We all sat down in a room. Catering was shit, the place was dry but luckily I brought my own stuff.

Everyone took turns complaining about their lives or bragging about how well they're doing.

Turned out to be a religious recruitment program so I got...

I floss religiously.

Every Easter and Christmas.

What lives in a tree, is very religious and is sometimes able to open doors?

A Monk-Key

My grandfather always told me that he was religious

I find that hard to believe

Little billy lives in the country and gets home from school one day to see the family rooster dead on the ground laying on it's back, legs up in the air. He asks his dad "why did it die in such a position?" His dad being religious and quick thinking says

"it's so God can just grab him by his feet and lift him off into heaven." Billy thinks this is ok. A few days go by and billy runs up to his dad and says "DAD, DAD! MOM ALMOST DIED, MOM ALMOST DIED! I heard her screaming Jesus I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming. and when I went to check on her, she was on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally have to face the truth: I have a fetish for religious iconography.

I guess this is my cum to Jesus moment.

Religious CD (NSFW)

My muslim friend told me had purchased a a copy of the Koran on CD, so I asked him to burn me one.



Then hell broke loose....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of parrots

An attractive young woman who was scantily dressed and wearing a cross, approached a priest after 8:00 Mass on Sunday morning and told him in confidence, "Father, I have a problem… I have two female parrots but they can only say one thing", and then she whispered in the priest's ear, 'Hi, we’re hot…...

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religious parrots

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"...

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

What do you call a religious tropical tree?

A psalm tree.

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

I'm religious about brushing my teeth.

I do it twice a year on Christmas and Easter.

In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week:

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WARNING THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING

Did Jesus die a virgin?
No he was nailed first.

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:
<...

What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?

A firm believer.

What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

A Religious Woman Get Married at 17

She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him.

He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side.

One year later she gets called to Heaven.

At her funeral, the Pri...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.