A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said

"Have to love Easter, baby...."

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

What do you call a religious chef?

A man of the broth

There’s a new gym in town that’s religious

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

What do you call a religious Russian hacker that leaks your private information?

Orthodoxxer.

A Religious Woman Get Married at 17

She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him.

He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side.

One year later she gets called to Heaven.

At her funeral, the Pri...

A town floods and there is a religious man stuck on his ceiling.

On the first day a boat with other civilians passes by and asks if they want to go with them to safety. The man replies with “God will supply me and be my savior”. The next day firefighters come by in a rescue boat and asks the man if he wants help. He again replies “God will supply me and be my sav...

Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors

Are you with me shofar?

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Religious Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened befo...

I am not worried about getting sick. I wash my hands religiously.

Every Christmas and Easter.

Which is the most religious cheese?

Swiss, because it is holy.

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Religious parrots

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"...

What do a religious transman and Pinocchio have in common?

Every night they pray "Please God, I want to be a real boy."

Religious Freedom was really strong in Soviet Union…

Proof: They did Ramadan all year long.

my girlfriends parents are very religious

the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together

It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

I’m trying to make a religious pun,

but I’ve got nun.

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WARNING THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING

Did Jesus die a virgin?
No he was nailed first.

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Three religious bi-curious dudes are driving down a dark and dangerous road

As they speed along they're comparing the lewd details of their same sex encounters when they all suddenly die in terrible crash.

When they arrive at the gates of Heaven they see Saint Peter waiting for them with a welcoming smile.

As they approach Saint Peter says to the first man. "W...

How many chaste religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb at the monastery?

Nun

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My Jewish co-worker says that he can't work on Saturdays for "religious reasons".

I don't know though, that seems a bit Unorthodox to me.

Being religious is dumb

Thank GOD Im atheist

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Two old men meet every morning on a park bench after religious services.

One day one of the old men shows up with a black eye.

The other guy says “What happened”

He says “ I was at mass, and a beautiful young woman was in the pew in front of me. About halfway through, I noticed her short skirt had gotten wedged in between her ass cheeks. After a while, I c...

What do you call a religious animal

Alvin the chipmonk

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?

A firm believer.

What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.



"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Pati...

Religious wars to an atheist's standpoint

are just people fighting over who has the better imaginary friend

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[NSFW] The Vatican is about to select 5 archbishops from a group of 30 religious and pious priests. Due to previous scandals and accusations the Pope has decided to make the appointment procedure different and complicated so that only the best remains.

All the priests were stripped naked and a bell was tied to their penis. After that right in front of them, a group of 30 gorgeous nude women were brought. The goal was to find out how much resistance the priests have and how strong their devotion to God was. The ladies started to dance, twerk, even ...

Did you hear about the guy in court for desecrating religious icons?

His case really fell apart on the cross examination.

What do you call a sinful religious figure?

A sain't.

In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

A young man walks into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The cashier says that the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, and 12. He asks the boy what pack he wants. “Well, I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now, and I think tonight will be ‘the night’. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then going out. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time. I...

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

Religious squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had ta...

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

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I’m a virgin but for religious reasons....

...in that god made me very ugly.

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

..but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pr...

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

What does a religious predator do?

It preys.

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3 guys die and go to heaven ...

... St. Peter is working the gate and tells the men, "All your paperwork appears to be in order. But before I allow you into heaven I need you to answer one final essay question. In 50 words or less, can you tell me the true meaning of Easter?"

The first man scratches his head, "Well, you cut...

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

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With climate change, income inequality, racism, xenophobia, religious extremists, war, and famine all around us, I often wonder what the world is coming to.

Then I check PornHub.

Turns out it’s stepsisters.

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

Which games console do religious women like to play on?

The nun-tendo wii

Many dinosaurs were very religious

In fact, prior to the meteor strike that killed them off, the most devout dinos were taken to Heaven. It was The Velocirapture.

A priest, an Irishman and a silver ladle

An Irishman named O'Neill had to travel to London for a few days for work. As he didn't know anyone there or knew where to stay he was told by a friend to stay at the house of a priest, Father Jameson.

So the Irishman O'Neill stayed at Father Jameson's house and on the first night at the di...

Don’t die, there is so much to live for...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
He said "Why shouldn't I?".

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, are you religious or atheis...

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The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

I find washing my feet to be a very religious process.

It's truly sole cleansing

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The family history of Jack Schitt

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Sch...

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

Loving noodles is almost as if you are religious

Can I get a ramen?

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

What did the religious salad say?

Lettuce pray

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

What do you call a religious women who throws things?

A nunchuck

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Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

The Catholic Church banned plastic bags from its premises.

They consider them to be sac-religious.

At a religious education lesson, the teacher asks Johnny "What is red, has a tail and lives in a forest?"

Johnny replies "I'd say that it's a fox, but knowing those lessons, I think the answer is Jesus."

Religious Cowboy

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a...

Hello, God?

In an effort to combat religious bigotry, the leaders of the world's largest religions decided to show solidarity by organizing a world tour, where they would all visit each other in their respective seats of power.

The first stop on the tour was the Vatican where the Pope welcomed the group ...

What do you call a religious eagle?

Bird of pray.

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

What’s a non-religious crusader called?

A mass murderer you dumb dumb

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.

"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."

"It’s in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."

"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins wh...

Why are religious resturants so expensive?

they have bi-bills

Why do Reddit use Karma instead of another religious symbol?

We all know what happened last time when Christians fought for the Cross.

It's a funny thing, when you talk to God, you're religious

but when he talks to you, you're a psycopath

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the j...

What do you call a place of religious worship for Tesla cars?

An Elon Mosque

My religious girlfriend is obsessed with cats.

She's a Catholic catholic.

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A religious man falls overboard in the middle of the ocean and no one notices and the boat drives away...

...So he’s floating in the middle of the ocean and a cruise ship finds him.

“Need help?” One of the passengers says

“No thank you, god will save me.” The man says

The ship drives off and an hour later another one comes. The same scenario happens again the man keeps saying that g...

I asked my religious friend why he doesn't like math

He replied "cos it's a sin"

I go to the gym religiously...

About 2 times a year around the holidays.

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

As a Muslim, I really appreciate the Courts upholding religious freedom

Seriously, Praise Be A Law

I was scanning radio stations and landed on a religious show where the host made mention of Jesus’s will.

I thought “wow, someone should read that. It would probably solve a lot of arguments.”

Skipper was always bragging to his boss, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

One day, tired of Skipper’s boasting, his boss calls his bluff. “Okay, Skipper, how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, Tom and I are good friends, and I can prove it.” So Skipper and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Skipper! Great to se...

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:
<...

THE FLOOD

This one of my all time favorites... can’t remember where I heard it.

There was a religious man who lived by a river. One day a sheriffs deputy came by and said to him, “There’s a flood coming. You want to get to higher ground.” The man replied, “Thank you officer, but I trust in the Lord. HE...

I quit my job over religious differences.

My Boss thought he was a God, I didn’t.

I know a guy who religiously gets his teeth checked once per week

. He's a Seventh Day A Dentist

I was asked to guess the religious affiliation of various bodies of water

I said "I can't think of any lakes that could be Jewish"

"But the sea might"

What do religious dads do at barbecues?

They speak in tongs.

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A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

What’s religious Alzheimer’s Disease?

It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

A young man becomes a born again Christian after reading a religious flyer at his college.

He doesn’t initially tell his girlfriend, justifying the embarrassment as natural to any young infant in the faith. But in the following weeks his commitment escalates dramatically, and he takes up a position as a Christian missionary to Uganda.
One day the dreaded phone call wakes him up. Ob...

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo...

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A girl is sleeping in her religious studies class...

The teacher asks the class, 'According to the Bible, who created man?'. The boy sitting next to the sleeping girl is bored and wet willies the girl. She wakes up and screams, 'OH GOD!'. The teacher replies, 'Correct!' The girl falls asleep again.

Next, the teacher asks the class, 'Who is th...

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

You can't perform a religious ceremony with only using a few parts of a ladder

Two rungs don't make a rite

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