What does an emotionally detached mechanic do with a bar hook-up?

Nuts and bolts.

The day i got emotional.

I got really emotional at the petrol pump this morning
I don't know why but I just started filling up

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I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

I was at an emotional wedding, the cake was in tiers.

Forgive me... but I needed a bad cake joke.. I mean I needed a cake joke bad.

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I have emotional constipation

Haven't given a crap in days.

My emotional support animal is a chicken.

A four piece..........with a biscuit

I was just telling my friend about an emotional time buying a car...

It was a Saab story

I was at an emotional wedding,

the cake was in tiers.

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My girlfriend yelled at me being secretive and emotionally unavailable

I then politely excused myself from the conversation and went to the basement to go work on my project.

I don't know what she was talking about.

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

I get really emotional whenever I see escalators...

Last time I was on one, I found it moving.

Dear people, don't carry your emotional baggage with you

Use your grief-case

I've told my suitcases that there will be no holiday next year.

I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.

I joined an emotional support group for people without pets...

But they kicked me out for talking about my felines.

I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.

I drove into a petrol station today. As I parked I began to feel so emotional.....

I started filling up.

Aspirations

A young boy one day decided to make his desire to become a big writer.

"I want to write things that the people will read all around the world, something that the people will react with a very high emotional level such as scream, cry, get mad and make them suffer" He said.

Now he works ...

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

An unattractive person walks into a bar with a duck under their arm

The bartender says - where did you get that huge pig?

The patron responds - this isn’t a pig, it is my emotional support duck!

Bartender - I was talking to the duck.

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Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

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Two guys are invited to a costume party, where the theme is ‘Come as an emotional state’.

They arrive at the party and ring the bell. The host comes out and sees they are completely naked, one with his dick inside a hollowed out pear, and the other with his dick dipped into a bowl of yellow goop.

“Oh my god! What are you supposed to be?” she asks.

The first guy replies “Wel...

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Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.

“Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.



“Sadness,” he replied.



“The opposite of depression?” he asked
another student.



“Elation,” he replied.



“The opposite of woe?” the prof as...

Three suitors - choose wisely.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."


So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

...

This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.

Everyone has been so distant.

A woman living on a shtetl in Poland goes to see her rabbi

"Rabbi!" she says. "My son Avram has a very strange fear - he is afraid of kreplach!"

The rabbi says, "Kreplach? He's afraid of the meat dumplings we make for Rosh Hashanah?"

She nods. "Yes. I've tried to tell him there's nothing to be afraid of, but whenever he sees kreplach he runs o...

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An Amercian, a Russian and a Shepherd from mountains are drinking.

American starts boasting : " Guys , in USA we have such a big hangar , that it takes a full tank of fuel to cross from one side to other." Russian: " aa that is nothing , we in mother russia , we have such a large pot for potatoes , that we use two nuclear submarines for stirring." . Shepherd " Well...

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If emotional scars were visible...

Porn would be disgusting

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My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit".

I don't know how I feel about this.

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What do you call a sexually ambiguous camera with emotional issues?

A bi-polaroid.

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

Why are exclamation points always so emotional?

Because they are always on their period.

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

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I dated an emotionally-inhibited woman who tried to become a phone sex worker

She had a lot of hangups.

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After a long emotional struggle, my three feet tall uncle finally announced that he is gay.

I’m glad that he decided to come out of the cabinet.

The emotional story of a dog's death:

Heartworming

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

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I'm practicing emotional abstinence

I haven't given a fuck in years

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

What do you call an overly emotional tree with a speech impediment?

Twee

Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

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An ex-girlfriend once told me I only had two emotional states - anger and apathy.

At first, I was really pissed off. But then I was like - meh, who cares?

Do you like rollercoasters?

Cause I'm an emotional one.

The most difficult, complex, confusing, controversial, enraging, emotional, and thought provoking question of the 21st century....

Are you male or female?

When asked if they were emotionally disgruntled by Trump's wall, Mexicans responded..

'Meh, we'll get over it.

Just read an emotional story of a woman who overcame incredible odds to make french onion soup

Stirring stuff

What do you call an emotional train?

A self-steam engine.

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Found a surprisingly emotional pornographic film today.

It was a real tear jerker!

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