A homeless man called me an idiot, so I told him I was suing for emotional distress.

He told me that I knew he was poor and that I wasn't making any cents.

I was at an emotional wedding,

the cake was in tiers.

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

I get really emotional whenever I see escalators...

Last time I was on one, I found it moving.

Dear people, don't carry your emotional baggage with you

Use your grief-case

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Drinking alcohol slowly turned me into an emotional mess.

So I started drinking it faster.

I joined an emotional support group for people without pets...

But they kicked me out for talking about my felines.

I drove into a petrol station today. As I parked I began to feel so emotional.....

I started filling up.

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

The Undertaker

So this woman goes to the undertaker to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She says "Look, I've got some special requests for the service. First off,I want an open casket, so that people can pay their final respects, and secondly I want my husband buried in a blue suit." The undertaker s...

Why is Six afraid of Seven

Because Seven is emotionally distant and always chases after numbers like Eight and Nine instead of looking back and seeing that the perfect number was behind the whole entire time... Six

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Two guys are invited to a costume party, where the theme is ‘Come as an emotional state’.

They arrive at the party and ring the bell. The host comes out and sees they are completely naked, one with his dick inside a hollowed out pear, and the other with his dick dipped into a bowl of yellow goop.

“Oh my god! What are you supposed to be?” she asks.

The first guy replies “Wel...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.

Everyone has been so distant.

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Penis is a true Friend indeed.

A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times.

A faithful friend is like a condom , he protects you from all harm.

A loving friend is like a vagina, she accommodates you fully despite the size of yo...

A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

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Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.

“Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.



“Sadness,” he replied.



“The opposite of depression?” he asked
another student.



“Elation,” he replied.



“The opposite of woe?” the prof as...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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I'm emotionally constipated

I haven't given a shit for days

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year....

I am now dealing with emotional baggage.

I spent months planning my wedding, and on the big day everyone was really emotional...

Even the cake was in tiers.

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

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Why did the male incest porn actor get emotional and start crying on set?

Because he saw so much of himself in his daughter.

I told my suitcases that we wouldn't be going anywhere this year due to the coronavirus.

Ive been having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage.

I thought about working for the irs

But it’s too emotionally taxing

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What do you call a sexually ambiguous camera with emotional issues?

A bi-polaroid.

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

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I dated an emotionally-inhibited woman who tried to become a phone sex worker

She had a lot of hangups.

Back when the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my suitcase that my travel plans were cancelled.

Since then, I've constantly had to deal with emotional baggage.

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Just had a meeting with a emotionally unstable dung beetle yesterday

Said he had too much shit to deal with

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Life in Russia.

A girl from a kolkhoz became a prostitute. Even worse, she became a "Dolarnaya prostitutka" (one sleeping with Western tourists for dollars). After few years she came back for a visit. Head of the kolkhoz gave her an emotional speech in front of all kamerades: "Look at you! We all work hard 12 hours...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If emotional scars were visible...

Porn would be disgusting

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit".

I don't know how I feel about this.

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After a long emotional struggle, my three feet tall uncle finally announced that he is gay.

I’m glad that he decided to come out of the cabinet.

I've been transferred to Baltimore...

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear.

"What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are te...

Why are exclamation points always so emotional?

Because they are always on their period.

When asked if they were emotionally disgruntled by Trump's wall, Mexicans responded..

'Meh, we'll get over it.

The emotional story of a dog's death:

Heartworming

If you cry when you cut an onion, here’s a tip:

Don’t get emotionally attached

What do you call an overly emotional tree with a speech impediment?

Twee

What do you call an emotional train?

A self-steam engine.

Telling your suitcase there’s going to be no vacation this year can be tough,

Emotional baggage is the worst.

Why was the 100 year old lady with dementia so emotional?

She was centi-mental.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ex-girlfriend once told me I only had two emotional states - anger and apathy.

At first, I was really pissed off. But then I was like - meh, who cares?

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

The most difficult, complex, confusing, controversial, enraging, emotional, and thought provoking question of the 21st century....

Are you male or female?

There was a very well liked guy named Jimmy, and had always aspired to be a pilot, just like his dad.

Unfortunately, life took many rough turns for him in high school; one night while driving late one night, his tire blew out and he lost his right eye. Having only half his vision, his dreams of being a pilot were crushed, and he didn't know what to do with his life.

Jimmy, now fitted with a b...

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm practicing emotional abstinence

I haven't given a fuck in years

Just read an emotional story of a woman who overcame incredible odds to make french onion soup

Stirring stuff

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