I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

I went to a very emotional wedding last weekend.

Even the cake was in tiers.

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning.

I don't know why, I just started filling up!

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After a long emotional struggle, my three feet tall uncle finally announced that he is gay.

I’m glad that he decided to come out of the cabinet.

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Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns...

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Wel...

What do you call an overly emotional tree with a speech impediment?

Twee

Who called it Emotional Baggage?

..and not Griefcase!

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I have emotional constipation.

I haven't given a shit in days.

The emotional story of a dog's death:

Heartworming

What do you call an emotional train?

A self-steam engine.

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If emotional scars were visible...

Porn would be disgusting

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An ex-girlfriend once told me I only had two emotional states - anger and apathy.

At first, I was really pissed off. But then I was like - meh, who cares?

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I cried the first time I had sex. You can laugh. Im not embarrassed by it. It was a very emotional moment for me...

I think it's because it was the first time my dad ever hugged me.

Why are exclamation points always so emotional?

Because they are always on their period.

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

The most difficult, complex, confusing, controversial, enraging, emotional, and thought provoking question of the 21st century....

Are you male or female?

What did the emotional man say when he got poked?

'I am touched'

Just read an emotional story of a woman who overcame incredible odds to make french onion soup

Stirring stuff

Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

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I'm practicing emotional abstinence

I haven't given a fuck in years

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Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.

“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.

“Oh?...” she replied with a concerned inquisition.

“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough s...

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Found a surprisingly emotional pornographic film today.

It was a real tear jerker!

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

What's the most emotional computer you can buy?

A Dell.

An aspiring writer once said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for the Microsoft Corporation.

I gave an emotional speech at a Visine convention...

There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

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I think I'm emotionally constipated

...I haven't given a shit in days.


(my daughter told me this just now – new to me, hope it's new to you too)

TIL: Hitler was a very emotional golfer

...Every time his ball went into a bunker, he became suicidal!

Nervous wreck

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.


"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.


"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicag...

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I enjoy looking at my poop.

Everytime I go to the bathroom to take a shit, I'd always remember to not flush immediately and look at my poop. I'd look at it's shape and color, and I'd admire every bit of it. I could not live without this process.

Then one time, I accidentally flushed after I pooped. I didn't even had the...

Helpful Grammar tips

Farther is for physical distance.

Further is for metaphorical distance.

And Father is for emotional distance.

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Honest Confession

This is long, have patience and read it without skipping to the end! :D

A confession in a Facebook page read :

"My sister is a hottie."

Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I am sleep deprived so I guess I'll write it now an...

My suitcase started crying when I picked it up.

I was carrying emotional baggage.

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The time my dad gave me money

As a kid my father once gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a br...

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Wife caught me cheating.

My wife ran out the room last night, she turned and screamed at me, 'And you know what? You've gone too far this time.....we're finished!! You're bankrupt and the way you wander round the streets so aimlessly, it's a suprise you don't one day end up in prison!'' But babe...' I said, taking a step ...

There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

My girlfriend and I were at an abortion clinic

It was a really emotional time for us both.

"Babe, I just want you to know that I'll support whichever decision you choose. If you want to be a mother, then I'll be a father."

With a tear in her eye, she leaned into me and whispered "It's ok baby. I don't want it if it's not yours."

A romantic Xmas shopping trip

A husband and wife go shopping for Xmas presents. After a couple of hours of scouring the shelves at the big department store, the wife realised she couldn’t see her husband anywhere. She phoned him to find out where he is.
 

*“Sorry dear, I wanted to go and get you a surprise Xm...

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

So that's why he acts like that . . .

It turns out - beer is bad for you - really! Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens - and that by drin...

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

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Nun

A nun got into a taxi but noticed that the cab driver wouldn't stop staring at her. She asked him why he was staring and he replies,   "I have a question to ask you but I'm afraid to in case I offend you."

She answered,  "My dear son, you can't offend me. When you're as old as I am and have b...

I had a minor accident at work...

I won't go into details, but it affected my eyes.

The left one is okay, but the other one actually suffered enough trauma to where it popped out. It was "unsalvageable", doctors said.

When they broke the news, I couldn't help but get emotional.

I knew I'd never see right again.

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I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything...

life is like a box of chocolates....

it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and all things that in them are: (Long)

Then he eventually created Adam, who was having a lot of fun in the garden, walking around naked, eating fruit from various trees, and hanging out with/naming all of the animals.

But one day, Adam began to feel lonely and decided to talk to God about it. In that discussion, Adam expressed th...

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

At a testimonial dinner in his honor

A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire al...

A married couple were playing golf

on a sweet Sunday afternoon. The wife out of nowhere weirdly asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?". The husband swiftly replied, "No sweetie, you know I wouldn't".
The wife immediately got back saying, "Don't lie to me. I'm sure you would".

The husband sensed this mi...

Southern University Psychology Joke

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student. “And the opposite of depression?” he ...

My Wife and I Have...

Been trying to get pregnant for some time now. It's been a very emotional and trying experience. I however I got some good news recently, it seems the problem wasn't on my side. My sister-in-law just told me she was pregnant.

A man sits at his kitchen table sobbing at 1am when his wife walks in

And asks “what is wrong”. He says “20 years ago today your dad walked in on us together. Do you remember that”? She said “yes I do! We were so young. I was 16 and you were barely 20 and Dad said if you didn’t marry me he was going to call the cops on you. I can’t believe you remembered our anniversa...

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15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

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In a kingdom far far away

The king had a beautiful wife. The beauty of the queen was world renown and was a thing of extreme pride for the king. But, one thing that gave the king extreme head ache was that he doubted his queen. He was paranoid that she was sleeping with someone else in the palace, may be one of his ministers...

A lot of people cry when they cut onions..

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I told my wife that she would look better with her hair back and she started crying

She's been so emotional since the chemo.

A wife catches her husbang crying in the kitchen

- What’s the matter, honey? - She asked

- I was remembering that night, exactly 20 years ago, when we were in your dad’s farm.. Do you remember?

- Of course! - said the wife with a smile.

- Remember, that we were making out in the living room, and decided to go outside?

-...

A police officer stops a car and says:

- "Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge - you win $10,000!"

- "What will you do with that money?"

The driver gets very emotional and says,

- "First of all, I'll finally make my drivers license!"

The wife cuts in,

- "Don't lis...

How many /r/twoxchromosomes posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and the other 9 to provide emotional support.

I got a bald person hair gel for Christmas.

She immediately started crying when she opened it. I guess the chemo makes her emotional.

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When it comes to romantic intimacy I'm a lot like Donald Trump...

Not because I grab them right by the pussy, but because I have built a wall. I have built the best emotional wall. Nobody builds emotional walls like I do, and I build them more efficiently than anybody else.

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So a lonely, used, abused, beaten down woman places a personal ad in the newspaper...

She writes that she desires a man who won't use her for her money, beat her to a bloody pulp and won't walk out on her leaving her an emotional wreck of shambles. She also states that this man ought to satisfy her sexually and fuck her like no other man has.

Well days go by and no one respond...

Some nice pair of legs

A group of girls walked by and I jokingly said to my girl "bet you wish you had a pair of legs like that" and she started crying. Smh girls are so emotional so I wheeled her back to the car.

Just met a guy

I saw this in one of my university facebook pages:
Just met a guy. Omg he was so fit. Handsome even. Never will I meet a guy like him again. Caring. Emotional. Nice. And his name is the first letter of each sentence.