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Emotions

Three guys are walking down the street in Manhattan when they spot a party. They knock on the door and are turned away because they don’t have costumes. As they walk away one of them spots a can of red paint in an alley, he pours it all over himself, goes back and says “I’m red, red with anger” and ...

What does an emotionally detached mechanic do with a bar hook-up?

Nuts and bolts.

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

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My mother-in-law is visiting. Emotions, like a stoner late for class....

...are running high.

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

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I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

Why is anger the new hip emotion?

It's all the rage.

The day i got emotional.

I got really emotional at the petrol pump this morning
I don't know why but I just started filling up

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

I was at an emotional wedding, the cake was in tiers.

Forgive me... but I needed a bad cake joke.. I mean I needed a cake joke bad.

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

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One of the most beautiful things in the world is a women's heart. It is fragile yet strong. Delicate yet resilient. It's a cradle of love, emotions and compassion. It like an ocean of secrets.

And of course its covered with boobs.

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I have emotional constipation

Haven't given a crap in days.

I was just telling my friend about an emotional time buying a car...

It was a Saab story

My emotional support animal is a chicken.

A four piece..........with a biscuit

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

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My girlfriend yelled at me being secretive and emotionally unavailable

I then politely excused myself from the conversation and went to the basement to go work on my project.

I don't know what she was talking about.

Why do Amoung Us characters bottle up their emotions?

Because they get kicked out of the group when they vent.

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Halloween Party

Frank decided to have a Halloween party and asked everyone has to come as an emotion. On the night of the party there was a knock on the door.

Frank opened the door to see John dressed in all blue. Frank asked what is he dressed as and John answered he’s blue with sadness. Frank said great...

How does a cake show emotions?

It tiers up.

(My cake day ends in 2 minutes.. I forgot)

I was at an emotional wedding,

the cake was in tiers.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

I read a book the other day about the emotion struggles of an attractive hustler walking down stairs.

The ending was pretty condescending.

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As expected, my therapist said I have trouble verbalising my emotions.

I can't say that I'm surprised.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

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Mixed Emotions

**A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.** **The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”**

**S...

Briefing

Lloyd Austin is giving the President Joe Biden his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed." "Oh, no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hand...

An unattractive person walks into a bar with a duck under their arm

The bartender says - where did you get that huge pig?

The patron responds - this isn’t a pig, it is my emotional support duck!

Bartender - I was talking to the duck.

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An Amercian, a Russian and a Shepherd from mountains are drinking.

American starts boasting : " Guys , in USA we have such a big hangar , that it takes a full tank of fuel to cross from one side to other." Russian: " aa that is nothing , we in mother russia , we have such a large pot for potatoes , that we use two nuclear submarines for stirring." . Shepherd " Well...

I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.

I get really emotional whenever I see escalators...

Last time I was on one, I found it moving.

Dear people, don't carry your emotional baggage with you

Use your grief-case

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

I like my water like I like my emotions.

Bottled

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

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My therapist tells me that I have difficulty identifying my emotions.

Not quite sure how to feel about that.

Three suitors - choose wisely.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."


So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

...

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A man is hosting an emotions party.

In order to get into the party, guests had to be dressed as their favorite emotion.

As the host is getting ready for the party, he hears the doorbell.

He opens the door and sees a couple dressed all in red. The man says, "And what are you supposed to be?"

The couple replies, "...

A woman living on a shtetl in Poland goes to see her rabbi

"Rabbi!" she says. "My son Avram has a very strange fear - he is afraid of kreplach!"

The rabbi says, "Kreplach? He's afraid of the meat dumplings we make for Rosh Hashanah?"

She nods. "Yes. I've tried to tell him there's nothing to be afraid of, but whenever he sees kreplach he runs o...

What do you call mixed emotions?

Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car

Newton's third law of Emotion.

For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.

Everyone has been so distant.

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

I joined an emotional support group for people without pets...

But they kicked me out for talking about my felines.

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Emotions NSFW

3 dummies decide to go to a party. They arrive at the party and are promptly turned away because it’s a costume party and they are not wearing costumes. Determined to go to the party they go looking for props to make costumes. In the back alley they find a pile of painting supplies, brushes, rollers...

There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true!

I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

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Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to ...

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

You know, people are always telling me how I dont communicate right or dont understand emotions.

You know what i say to that?

Kiss my ASPERGERS!

(Joke curtousy of my Autistic coworker and good friend)

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?

*A: Nostalgia!*

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

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Two guys are invited to a costume party, where the theme is ‘Come as an emotional state’.

They arrive at the party and ring the bell. The host comes out and sees they are completely naked, one with his dick inside a hollowed out pear, and the other with his dick dipped into a bowl of yellow goop.

“Oh my god! What are you supposed to be?” she asks.

The first guy replies “Wel...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."

Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing...

TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...

My ex told me we broke up because I'm too reliant on logic and refuse to acknowledge my emotions.

I told her, correlation is not causation.

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

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My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit".

I don't know how I feel about this.

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A plane crashes on an island with cannibals. Only a German, a Russian and an American survive.

The cannibals immediately capture them and bring them to their village. Their chieftain says: "We certainly want to kill and eat you, but our customs demand for a ritual that gives you a fair chance. For the first part of the ritual, you each go to the jungle and capture an animal."

The Germa...

Do you like rollercoasters?

Cause I'm an emotional one.

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Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.

“Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.



“Sadness,” he replied.



“The opposite of depression?” he asked
another student.



“Elation,” he replied.



“The opposite of woe?” the prof as...

Mixed emotions: watching a bus full of lawyers plunge off a cliff...

... with five empty seats.

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

My Brain Amazes Me!!!

Not a joke!!! Just a bad incident that might make a few people chuckle who been through similar goof-ups!!!



Here it goes,



I have been living with my brain for 28 years now and I still don't know how it works!!!



I tried to train it but all in vain; its fun...

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My friend urinated on a robot capable of feeling emotions. It got angry, but then it shut down.

He really pissed it off.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around he...

A dad came to meet his son at his job and gets all emotional

Dad: I can't believe you're all grown up now. It's like just yesterday when you used to sit with that stupid computer game thingy all day

Son: Dad, I still work as a VFX designer

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Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns...

A professor asked one of his automotive students if he knew what the definition of "mixed emotions" was...

The student said "watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Cadillac."

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I dated an emotionally-inhibited woman who tried to become a phone sex worker

She had a lot of hangups.

Hey! What do they call a bear that has uncontrollable emotions?

A Bipolar bear.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

I spent months planning my wedding, and on the big day everyone was really emotional...

Even the cake was in tiers.

I run a rehabilitation program where we get prison inmates to write poetry to help them cope with their emotions.

I call it:
Prose and Cons

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A couple is watching Dr. Phil and he begins to talk about mixed emotions.

The man laughs and says "I can't have mixed emotions. Either I'm happy or sad. There is no middle ground. And I don't believe anyone can be."
After a lengthy debate, and the woman not making any head way with him, she sighs and says, "OK, I can prove it."
He laughs more and says "there is noth...

What part of the leg understands your emotions?

The empathighs.

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There was a costume part with the theme of being an emotion...

...As a guest arrives dressed in green, the hosts shouts out "Envy!", and lets him in.
A lady comes dressed in red. The host says, "Anger!" and lets her in.
A couple arrives only wearing the color blue, and the host says "Depression!", and lets them in. A little later, two naked guys walk up ...

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So there's this party where everyone has to come dresses as an emotion...

...one guy comes in all black - sadness. Another in all yellow - fear, and another in green - envy. Then the host answers the door to see two guys standing there, butt-naked, except one of them has a pear on the end of his dick, and the other had a can of custard on his dick.
"What the hell are ...

I just got diagnosed with the inability to feel emotions

Now I'm sad

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What do you call a sexually ambiguous camera with emotional issues?

A bi-polaroid.

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A guy was hosting an "emotion" party for all of his friends.

In the invitation for the party he said that all of his friends should arrive in different outfits that depict different emotions.Everything was normal when some people showed up wearing green for envy, or red for anger. Suddenly two men he had never seen before strutted in completely naked except f...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

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If emotional scars were visible...

Porn would be disgusting

When asked if they were emotionally disgruntled by Trump's wall, Mexicans responded..

'Meh, we'll get over it.

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A new emotion

So one Halloween a group of friends decided to throw a small costume party with the theme being you need to dress as an emotion. The party begins and everyone is enjoying themselves until they realize that Darryl hasn't shown up yet. The doorbell rings and in walks Darryl stark naked with nothing bu...

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