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Emotions

Three guys are walking down the street in Manhattan when they spot a party. They knock on the door and are turned away because they don’t have costumes. As they walk away one of them spots a can of red paint in an alley, he pours it all over himself, goes back and says “I’m red, red with anger” and ...

Why is anger the new hip emotion?

It's all the rage.

The day i got emotional.

I got really emotional at the petrol pump this morning
I don't know why but I just started filling up

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As expected, my therapist said I have trouble verbalising my emotions.

I can't say that I'm surprised.

I was at an emotional wedding, the cake was in tiers.

Forgive me... but I needed a bad cake joke.. I mean I needed a cake joke bad.

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

My emotional support animal is a chicken.

A four piece..........with a biscuit

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I have emotional constipation

Haven't given a crap in days.

I was just telling my friend about an emotional time buying a car...

It was a Saab story

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One of the most beautiful things in the world is a women's heart. It is fragile yet strong. Delicate yet resilient. It's a cradle of love, emotions and compassion. It like an ocean of secrets.

And of course its covered with boobs.

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My girlfriend yelled at me being secretive and emotionally unavailable

I then politely excused myself from the conversation and went to the basement to go work on my project.

I don't know what she was talking about.

Why do Amoung Us characters bottle up their emotions?

Because they get kicked out of the group when they vent.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

I read a book the other day about the emotion struggles of an attractive hustler walking down stairs.

The ending was pretty condescending.

How does a cake show emotions?

It tiers up.

(My cake day ends in 2 minutes.. I forgot)

I was at an emotional wedding,

the cake was in tiers.

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

Larry goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.

I get really emotional whenever I see escalators...

Last time I was on one, I found it moving.

Dear people, don't carry your emotional baggage with you

Use your grief-case

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

Do you like rollercoasters?

Cause I'm an emotional one.

I like my water like I like my emotions.

Bottled

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A man is hosting an emotions party.

In order to get into the party, guests had to be dressed as their favorite emotion.

As the host is getting ready for the party, he hears the doorbell.

He opens the door and sees a couple dressed all in red. The man says, "And what are you supposed to be?"

The couple replies, "...

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A plane crashes on an island with cannibals. Only a German, a Russian and an American survive.

The cannibals immediately capture them and bring them to their village. Their chieftain says: "We certainly want to kill and eat you, but our customs demand for a ritual that gives you a fair chance. For the first part of the ritual, you each go to the jungle and capture an animal."

The Germa...

I joined an emotional support group for people without pets...

But they kicked me out for talking about my felines.

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Ralf

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Ple...

TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...

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My therapist tells me that I have difficulty identifying my emotions.

Not quite sure how to feel about that.

I drove into a petrol station today. As I parked I began to feel so emotional.....

I started filling up.

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

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Mixed Emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She sa...

My Brain Amazes Me!!!

Not a joke!!! Just a bad incident that might make a few people chuckle who been through similar goof-ups!!!



Here it goes,



I have been living with my brain for 28 years now and I still don't know how it works!!!



I tried to train it but all in vain; its fun...

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Emotions NSFW

3 dummies decide to go to a party. They arrive at the party and are promptly turned away because it’s a costume party and they are not wearing costumes. Determined to go to the party they go looking for props to make costumes. In the back alley they find a pile of painting supplies, brushes, rollers...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.

Everyone has been so distant.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around he...

What do you call mixed emotions?

Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

Never tell an angry emotional person to calm down.

That will only enrage them more.

Say, "what can we do to make you feel heard?"

Say, "How can we bring you a sense of justice here?"

Say, "Where do you want me to dump the body?"

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I’m emotionally constipated...

I haven’t given a shit in days.

There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true!

I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

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Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to ...

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Two guys are invited to a costume party, where the theme is ‘Come as an emotional state’.

They arrive at the party and ring the bell. The host comes out and sees they are completely naked, one with his dick inside a hollowed out pear, and the other with his dick dipped into a bowl of yellow goop.

“Oh my god! What are you supposed to be?” she asks.

The first guy replies “Wel...

Newton's third law of Emotion.

For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?

*A: Nostalgia!*

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

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Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.

“Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.



“Sadness,” he replied.



“The opposite of depression?” he asked
another student.



“Elation,” he replied.



“The opposite of woe?” the prof as...

My ex told me we broke up because I'm too reliant on logic and refuse to acknowledge my emotions.

I told her, correlation is not causation.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

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My friend urinated on a robot capable of feeling emotions. It got angry, but then it shut down.

He really pissed it off.

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law.

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened."

His friend responds" Well if it has happened only once, maybe...

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My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit".

I don't know how I feel about this.

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

Mixed emotions: watching a bus full of lawyers plunge off a cliff...

... with five empty seats.

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I dated an emotionally-inhibited woman who tried to become a phone sex worker

She had a lot of hangups.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

I spent months planning my wedding, and on the big day everyone was really emotional...

Even the cake was in tiers.

The Undertaker

So this woman goes to the undertaker to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She says "Look, I've got some special requests for the service. First off,I want an open casket, so that people can pay their final respects, and secondly I want my husband buried in a blue suit." The undertaker s...

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Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns...

A professor asked one of his automotive students if he knew what the definition of "mixed emotions" was...

The student said "watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Cadillac."

Hey! What do they call a bear that has uncontrollable emotions?

A Bipolar bear.

Sheikh on the top of a building

A Sheikh was walking on the terrace of a building, when he heard the door behind him open. A sad voice followed,

"Sheikh Ahmed, I am sorry for breaking this to you. Your only daughter ran away with the son of a grocery store owner. I hear she was pregnant. Your wife had a heart attack and is ...

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Costume party

The hostess sends out an invitation for a costume party: "Come dressed as an emotion!"

The first guest shows up wearing a pink lycra costume with just some tassels around the private parts. The hostess asks : "What emotion are you?" The guest replies : "I'm tickled pink!"

The second ...

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Just had a meeting with a emotionally unstable dung beetle yesterday

Said he had too much shit to deal with

What part of the leg understands your emotions?

The empathighs.

I run a rehabilitation program where we get prison inmates to write poetry to help them cope with their emotions.

I call it:
Prose and Cons

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

Why is Six afraid of Seven

Because Seven is emotionally distant and always chases after numbers like Eight and Nine instead of looking back and seeing that the perfect number was behind the whole entire time... Six

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

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A couple is watching Dr. Phil and he begins to talk about mixed emotions.

The man laughs and says "I can't have mixed emotions. Either I'm happy or sad. There is no middle ground. And I don't believe anyone can be."
After a lengthy debate, and the woman not making any head way with him, she sighs and says, "OK, I can prove it."
He laughs more and says "there is noth...

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What do you call a sexually ambiguous camera with emotional issues?

A bi-polaroid.

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There was a costume part with the theme of being an emotion...

...As a guest arrives dressed in green, the hosts shouts out "Envy!", and lets him in.
A lady comes dressed in red. The host says, "Anger!" and lets her in.
A couple arrives only wearing the color blue, and the host says "Depression!", and lets them in. A little later, two naked guys walk up ...

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Henry and Harriet where reminiscing about their 25yr marriage on their anniversary.

Suddenly Henry breaks down and begins sobbing uncontrollably. Shocked to see her husband showing such emotion she tries to console him.

"Talk to me Sweetheart. What's wrong?"

"Well, remember that day your Pa caught us in the barn having sex?"

"Oh my yes!"

"Remember what h...

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So there's this party where everyone has to come dresses as an emotion...

...one guy comes in all black - sadness. Another in all yellow - fear, and another in green - envy. Then the host answers the door to see two guys standing there, butt-naked, except one of them has a pear on the end of his dick, and the other had a can of custard on his dick.
"What the hell are ...

I just got diagnosed with the inability to feel emotions

Now I'm sad

When asked if they were emotionally disgruntled by Trump's wall, Mexicans responded..

'Meh, we'll get over it.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

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If emotional scars were visible...

Porn would be disgusting

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Three Brooklynites Are Invited To A Party...

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

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