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Lessons Jokes

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said, "I would radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you are doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell she was doing great.

At 2,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell her again, she was doing great.

As the helicopter got to 3,000 feet, the ...

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He explained calmly...

“Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

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Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

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A lady out taking golf lessons! She is doing terrible...

The instructors getting pissed off. He says to her "listen dear, we have been out here all day long and we haven't gotten anywhere. You are not listening to what I tell you. Let's try something different. I want you to grab hold of the golf club just like you have hold of your husband's penis."...

Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons...

Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

Parachute lessons

So, I'm on a flying plane, taking my parachute jumping lessons. One of the guys told me: "Wait here, stay close to the door, the instructor will strap himself to you and you'll jump together. Don't do anything without your instructor, he has the parachute, he knows everything and he will guide you o...

A fifteen year old kid gets an upright bass and starts to take lessons.

After his first lesson, his dad asks him, "what did you learn today?" "I learned to play the A note." After his second lesson his dad asks again, and he responds "I learned to play the D note." After his third lesson his dad asks again and he responds, "I learned to play the E note." After the fourt...

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Management Lessons

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

Lessons learned over time:

(In no particular order, and yes - I am a nerd)

1) the problem is always in the last thing that you check.

2) always do the network card driver update AFTER everything else.

3) it's probably the cable that's causing the problem.

4) if you think that you've made things ...

So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...

2 Life Lessons...

Lesson 1:

There once were these two boys walking in a field and one of the boys finds a green rock. He picks it up and says to his friend, "I bet you five bucks that I can throw this green rock up in the air and it won't come back down." So his friend says, "Okay, you're on." So the boy wi...

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Life lessons,truly

A boy and his daddy are driving down an old country road. The boy looks out the window of the truck and sees 2 dogs getting it on on the side of the road. He turns, and looks at his father and asks "Dad,what's all that about?"
His father thinks quickly,then replies
"Well, son that right the...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons...

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons and she was finally ready to try it on her own. The instructor told her to radio him every 1000 feet to make sure everything was okay.


At 1000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine."


At 2000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine, j...

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

When Max went to his violin lessons, he found a gun in his case.

"Oh my god!" he yelped "Now my old man is in the bank with my violin."

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Three men sit down to talk about their wives driving lessons

The first guy says: Since she started driving lessons, she wakes up every night, grabs my junk, moves it back and forth and says “Handbrake up, handbrake down…”

Second guy says: That’s nothing, my wife wakes up every night, grabs my dick, starts moving it around and says “1st gear, 2nd gear, ...

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Golf Lessons

A lady decided she wanted to spend more time with her golf nut husband. Smartly she went directly to the club pro seeking advice. He took her to the range and told her to hit a ball so he could assess her swing. She did and the ball went 10 feet out in front of her. He suggested she adjust her stanc...

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

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A husband and wife love golfing together, but they aren't very good, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, an...

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I’m taking rock climbing lessons and my dad suggested I sign up for a mattress making class.

It’s ….. something to fall back on.

I took saxophone lessons for six months...

...until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?



(credit: Tommy Cooper)

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Life lessons

1. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

2. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

3. What is the difference betwee...

When I was young, I was so overweight that my mom wouldn't let me take swimming lessons.

It wasn't because of my weight, it was because it was never more than a half an hour since I had eaten.

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.

Language Lessons

Two restaurants face each other across a city street. Every day the owner of the Greek restaurant, Nick, brings out his specials board, looks across the street at the Chinese restaurant and calls out to the owner:

"Hey, Chan! What comes with your specials today?"

"Flied lice!"
<...

My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

I took golf lessons from a pro, because my swing was so bad

He asked me to hit a few shots with my driver, a 5 wood, the 3, 5, and 7 irons

He said, “I see your problem. You are standing too close to the ball, after you’ve hit it.”

Lessons.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in t...

Well, if there's one thing I've learned from my daughter's first swimming lessons,

She's definitely not a witch.

Young Jimmy is taking skydiving lessons

After his lessons he decides he is ready for the real deal. The instructor and Jim go up in the plane to the altitude. Then, the instructor says, "when you jump, count to 10 and pull the cord. If that fails pull the backup cord. There will be a black van waiting for you at the bottom." Jimmy agrees ...

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

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Terrorist lessons

there is a school in afghanistan where people get teached how to be a terrorist;

the first day the teacher pick up some liquids and write a formula on the chalkboard "one part the yellow liquid, 2 parts the green liquid and 25g of this black powder"
everyone take notes and see the teacher ...

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A man and his wife are taking golf lessons together...

The instructor tells the man, "step up and swing, let's see what you've got." The man steps up and swings, driving the ball around 80 yards. The instructor says "that's not bad, good form, but your grip is too tight. Imagine holding the club as if you were holding your wife's breasts, firm but soft....

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3 Southern sisters are sitting on a big porch sipping Mint Juleps.

Martha says, “My husband loves me so much, he built me this amazing porch.”
Mary says, “Well isn’t that nice?”
Mildred says, “Bless your heart”

Mary says, “My husband loves me so much, he bought me a beautiful new Cadillac.”
Martha says, “Well isn’t that nice?”
Mildred says, “Bles...

A blonde woman goes up for helicopter lessons.

She arrives at the air field raring to go.
She does her ground school and heads up in the helicopter with the trainer.
She does well so the trainer decides to let her take it up on her own.
The instructor heads back to the tower and instructs her to take off and head to an area just outsi...

Father Rabbit teaches his Rabbit Son life lessons.

So Father Rabbit takes four female rabbits and lines them up in front of his son.

"Son", says Father Rabbit, "we are small and vulnerable animals, and everyone in the woods wants to eat us. That's why we have to do everything really fast to stay safe. Including reproduction. I brought these f...

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My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

A guy was taking skydiving lessons ...

If we jump and the chute doesn’t open
And the reserve doesn’t open...

How long before we we hit the ground?

The Instructor immediately answered..

The rest of your life!

I started taking fencing lessons...

The teacher started yelling fencing terms I didn't understand.

"Lunge!"

"Parry!"

"Reposte"

I stopped and said, "I can't do that, this is my first post in r/jokes and I don't wanna get flamed."

(Ain't much, but at least I tried)

A person is taking guitar lessons

and he's getting upset that he isn't learning as quickly as he'd like to. So he tells the instructor this and the instructor says, "You'll get the hang of it eventually. Don't fret."

Grammar Lesson

Small mistakes in grammar and unfortunate uses of vocabulary can have a big impact. For instance:

Q.) What is the difference between "Having someone over for dinner" and "Having someone for dinner"?

A.) The number of place settings at the table.

I finished my English lessons yesterday.

My mom asked me how it had gone on a scale from one to ten.



It was Past Perfect Tense.

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During one of our lessons, I asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

"My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer," said Simon.
"Very good, Simon. Anyone else?"
"My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy.
"Excellent, Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked.
"No, sir, he's just the hardest cunt in there."

Dad takes his son for a driving lesson

Son: Dad, I’m so nervous, I can’t stop shaking, what are we going to do?

Dad: Parkinson.

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Everyone's saying I'm paranoid for starting these Morse code lessons

but I'm positive those woodpeckers are talking shit

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

I signed up for German language lessons recently. They replied, and I am kind of worried now.

They said, “We have ways of making you talk.”

A baby mosquito is coming home from his first flying lesson

Son, you did good?
Terrific! Everyone clapped

My Spanish teacher quit her job in the middle of our numbers lesson

She left without a Tres

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