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I’m tired of hearing people say British food tastes awful. In fact, British food is the third most delicious food in the world

The first being French food, and the second is food from all other countries.

Guy walks into a bar and says, “I don’t want to taste alcohol, what should I get?”

Bartender says “COVID”

What's it taste like when you go down on old people?

Depends

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

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A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out that she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

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I took a few pages from Moby Dick and boiled them to see what it tasted like.

It was just okay, but I might not do it again. It was a novel tea.

A man goes into a restaurant.

He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter, 'Waiter, come taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup?'

He says, 'Taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?'

The man says, 'W...

What tea tastes like milk?

Tit-tea

What is a construction worker with bad taste's favorite genre of music?

Sheetrock

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I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything

But eventually I came to my senses

How do worms taste?

Little Johnny was having dinner with his family one day when he asked:

'Dad, do worms taste nice when we eat them?'

'Johnny you shouldn't bring such things up at the dinner table', his father reprimanded him.

Later, father asked Johnny 'You know you shouldn't bring up disgusting...

I accidentally walked in on my sister pleasuring her self with a cucumber!!!

I was going to eat that later... now it's going to taste like cucumber

What taste tickles a MILF lover's taste buds?

Umami.

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A guy went into a bank to ask for a loan. ‘I have some black powder,’ he told the manager. ‘You sprinkle it on a woman’s vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ said the manager. ‘I don’t think we can give you a loan for that.’

A few months later the same guy entered the same bank pushing a wheelbarrow full of money.
The manager said: ‘Congratulations. I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.’
‘No, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.’
‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘What doe...

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

Love is like a Ghost Pepper, you taste it with delight.

And when it's gone you wonder, what ever made you bite.

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test aga...

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

Anakin Skywalker walks into a Taco Bell, and is shocked to find his master Yoda behind the counter

He asks what the Jedi master is doing there, to which he replies "Pay well, Jedi council does not. Work two jobs, I must." Fair enough, thinks Anakin. He orders his food, and reaches into his pocket to pay, when Yoda asks, "A beverage, would you like with that?" "Ok," says Anakin, "what do you recom...

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What’s the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?

Answer: The taste.

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What’s the difference in a Bud light and a clitoris?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.

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An old man is walking down the street with a bag slung over his shoulder...

A young man is walking down the street in the opposite direction. As they are about to pass, the curious youngster asks, “Hey old man, what’s in the bag?”. The old man replies, “In this bag young sir are magic apples!”. The young fella replies, “Bullshit!”. The old man takes the bag off of his shoul...

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

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I walked in on my

Sister putting a carrot up her vagina. I got pissed.

I said, Iwas going to eat that later. But now its gonna taste like carrot. AND I DON'T LIKE CARROTS!!

The trick to swallowing is to shove it all the way in your throat since there are no taste buds back there.

My mother's cooking is terrible.

I wanted to try Spaghetti in Italy to see if it was better, but it tasted the same.

Though it was a bit cold from the flight over.

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Apples

A guy is driving down a winding country road when he see's a sign.

The Sign says "Apples $10/Each"

The guy thinks "Wow, that's expensive, let me see why they cost $10"

He drives into the stand and asks the Farmer "Why are your Apples $10?"

The Farmer says "Well, my Apple...

Why is it in poor taste to make fun of grandpa's balls?

It is low hanging fruit.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it’s a little meteor

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NSFW Y'all know what 80-year-old pussy tastes like?

Depends

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

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A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

my friend fed me rabbit for the first time and I told him it tasted like beer.

Must've been from all the hops.

An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

Some friends are chillin when one pipes up, “I’m not attracted to my wife anymore.” His friends are all astonished. “You know what it’s like to have the same woman every night x 25 years? Same feel, smell, taste x25 years?” “Why not flip her over, try another entrance.”

“And risk getting her pregnant?! I think not!”

What happened when the missionary met the cannibal?

He gave him his first taste of religion.

Gifts for the Teacher

It was the end of the school year, and a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florists son handed her a wrapped gift. She gently shook it, held it overhead and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "Thats right!", the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess" ...

chicken with 3 legs

So this guy in a sports car is driving down an old country road. He looks over and there is a Rooster running right along side him. In his disbelief he looks at the speedometer...15mph.

So he speeds up to 25 and the Rooster speeds up. Next he realizes that the Rooster is speeding up and he al...

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Ladies night

Two ladies, neighbors, go out for drinks one night. The cocktails taste great and when it’s time to go home they decide to walk as they both had too much to drink. At some point during the walk they both have to pee really urgently. There isn’t a bathroom nearby, but a little later they pass by a ce...

If it doesn’t taste like covid and it doesn’t smell like covid

It’s probably covid

Do you know what cannibal tribes have said about the taste of human flesh?

It’s an acquired taste that varies person to person.

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

A man moves across country to a new city.

A man moves to a new city and starts a new job.


Lunchtime comes around and his coworker asks him to join him. They go to a restaurant down the road, sit down and he orders the Club Sandwich.

They get their food after a couple of minutes and talk about work.
The man is intrigued...

Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer.

One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

The other one goes, 'No'.

what did Jeffery dahmer say after eating at a fast food place

This does not taste like five guys

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Only real Sharks will understand

Two great white shark swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, s...

Why do so many restaurants have financial problems?

Because there's no Accounting for Taste.

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

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A kid comes home from the prom and takes his father aside and brags that he just experienced his first blowjob.

The kid's father, beaming, asks his son if he enjoyed it. The kid says "I loved it. But not a big fan of the taste."

I have a bull that wouldn't breed with the other cows.

So I called the veterinarian and he gave me some pills for the bull. About 2 hours after giving the pills to the bull, he started breeding with all the cows, he even broke the fence and bred with the neighbors cows. I don't know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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A rich guy goes on holiday

A millionaire decides to go on a touring holiday in Ireland. He drives around the beautiful, lush green countryside in his new Rolls Royce. Eventually he needs some petrol so he pulls in to a tiny petrol station in the middle of nowhere.there is only one ancient, hand operated petrol pump. The owner...

Three witches are standing around a bubbling caldron.

The first witch tastes the brew. "It needs an eye of newt," she says.

"Agreed" says the second.

"Aye," says the newt.

"Perfect," says the third.

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister...

...You know it's wrong, but it tastes the same.

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A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, th...

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How is smoking a cigarette similar to licking pussy?

When you get to the butt it tastes different.

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How do you know if your dog is gay?

His dick tastes like dogshit

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A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of tequila.

The bartender pours them out, and the man starts drinking them. "What's the occasion?" the bartender asks.

"I just had my first blowjob," the man replies.

"Oh yeah?" the bartender says, "That's great news! I'll tell you what - the next shot is on the house. Congratulations!"

The...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

Some people say elephants love alcohol because they love the taste…

but I think it’s because they drink to forget.

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000
so he went to Dr. Geeze...

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

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Dog Poop

Two men are walking on the sidewalk until one of them stops.

"Hey, what's that brown thing on the ground?" he asks his friend.

The second man looks closer to the sidewalk. "Huh, looks like dog poop," he says.

"Are you sure?"

"Hold on." The man leans down and smells the it...

2 Zombies are Eating a Redditor

One asks the other "Does this taste smarter-than-average and depressed to you?"

"No. Just angsty and unoriginal."

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Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

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A farmer walks into a patent office

He tells the clerk that he'd like to get a patent for a new fruit he's grown. Confused, the clerk asks "what's so special about a new fruit?"

The farmer replies "on one side it tastes like an apple and on the other it tastes like an orange."

The clerks immediately replies "bullshit!" S...

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.

Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Shiner...

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."...

Did you see the Catholic church released a breakfast cereal?

Cinnamon Pope Crunch: The See You Can Taste

Two guys become best friends in high school, bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs. And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together. During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again seemi...

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A toothbrush salesman had a booth on a street corner.

One day he was approached by a man looking for a job. The salesman, skeptical of this random person’s sales ability, agreed that if the man could sell 100 toothbrushes in a day, that he could have the job.

At the end of the day the man approached him saying “I’ve sold all 100 toothbrush, can ...

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A couple goes to Spain......

A couple goes to Spain for a vacation. After a full day they decide to go to a nice restaurant. As they’re seated at their table, they notice the couple next to them gets served with a platter with two of the largest meatballs they had ever seen. They called the waiter over to ask what the dish is. ...

A customer orders a coffee

The waiter brings the coffee and sets it on the table.
The customer takes a sip, and promptly spits it out, spraying everywhere.
"This tastes like dirt!!!" He shouts at the waiter.
"Yes", the waiter says. "It's fresh ground".

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

Two wind turbines are talking about their taste in music.

- So what kind of music do you like?
- Oh. I'm a huge Metal fan!

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I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound.

Then I came to my senses.

The best doctor in town vs John

There is a doctor in town who can cure almost any sickness. His confidence for his ability made him put up a sign that says "If I heal you, you pay $100. If I can't, I'll give you $200". John saw this and decided to take advantage of it. He came to the clinic the next day claiming to have lost the s...

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

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