UPJOKE
existencetruthdreamactualitymindfactrealismfictionrealbeingnaturelifereal lifeworldmetaphysics

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

The reality of dating....

Young kids use a dating app on their phone.

Older kids use a dating website on their computers.

Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.

Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.

Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

Hey, imagine if there was something you could put in your body that could let you see a whole new layer of existence and change your perception of reality?

Bro, that would be dope.

An Egyptian prince bathes in a nearby river to avoid the reality of his father's recent death...

He's a Pharoah in deNile.

What do you get when you cross a human being with a horrendous reality?

Suffering. You get suffering.

This isn't a joke, if you procreate you are gambling with someone else's wellbeing .

It doesn't matter how happy you may be, immense suffering exists.

Procreation inherently imposes a possibility of it occuring to the offspring, and it's beyond you...

In the future, Jurassic Park starts to become a reality

There is a young, inexperienced employee who stumbles on a piece of amber, and immediately brings it to the laboratory. The scientist is confused, as this piece doesn't look like the others, so he goes off to the lab to date it.

The employee, unknowing of what it is still, starts to put it in...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Dear sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt". Kind regards Channel Four.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

reality

There's a pilot for a new reality show based on hookers in a brothel.

It's call "Deadliest Snatch".

The difference between fiction and reality?

Fiction has to make sense.

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

What’s the most popular reality tv show viewed by the crew of Deep Space Nine?

Keeping up with the Cardassians

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Guilty Doctor

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it....

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A Joke Walks into a Bar. [OC]

A Joke walks into a bar and the Bartender says "Wait... this isn't right."

The Joke says "Listen, quickly! I have little time to explain! You and I are but characters living in a hypothetical reality, being puppeteered by some inconceivable monster telling a joke! It's not even a good joke ei...

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from having any kids…

But in reality it just changes the color of the baby.

There’s a lot we’ve discovered about the brain

But in reality it’s still a big gray area

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

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Potential vs reality

An 8 year old son asks his father
"what is the difference between Potential and Reality"
father turns to his wife
"would you sleep with George .W. Bush for $I million ?

Wife"of course i will never waste that opportunity"
father turns to his daughter
"would you sleep with Brad p...

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

The difference between theory & reality.

A boy was given a essay to write about the difference between theory and reality.

Struggling to come up with a explanation he asked his dad who said to him that he could lend a hand with this one.

The father told him "go find your mother and ask her if she would sleep with the window c...

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the new reality tv show called “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Three, to be exact.

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

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Porn videos does not reflect reality

It gives a warped perception of how quickly the plumber will come to your house.

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They say curiosity killed the cat... But in reality it just grabbed your attention

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange ...

Some people say that getting karma on Reddit is difficult.

But in reality it’s just a piece of cake.

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

A man in his mid forties brought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW", he thought to himself and increased the speed even further.

The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally the reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from ...

A man woke up sobbing

"The world is a cruel uncaring void!" he cried. "Pleasure is fleeting but pain is eternal! Hope is a mirage! What cruel God made this reality!?"

Next to him, his wife stirred.

"Oh honey...is it Monday already...?"

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I call my dick reality

It’s often disappointing

There is a new reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

Unfortunately the finale is not a cliff hanger.

A lot of people think Michael Jackson's Pronouns were He/Him, but in reality,

Michael's preferred prounouns were He/He

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality

Great...



So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find, and my teeth will fall out.

Thanks, fortune cookie.

If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world

The ending would be a cliffhanger.

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Don't let someone's opinion of you become your reality

Asshole

Reality Check

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

“Do you know her?” the wife asks.

“Yes,” the husband says. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorc...

Happy Chris Columbus Day! Say what you want about the guy but in reality....

We wouldn't have the first two Harry Potter movies without him.

Instagram models’ beauty is so intense, it causes

Reality to bend around them

What does reality and an MMORPG have in common?

You never get invited to a party

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

What do you call a reality show about people with lobotomies?

Mindless entertainment.

Reality TV..

I REALISED my 10 year old nephew had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”

Did you hear about the reality show based on 9/11?

No? I'm not surprised, the pilot crashed.

Someone once told that there’s little difference between the male and female reproductive systems. But in reality...

There’s a vas deferens.

In an alternate reality where fences are females and posts are male...

A teenage post teases that his friend is taking another post to prom. The friend says, "Hey! I take a fence to that!"

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

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So I've decided to take 2 of my loves and smash them together. The Beastie Boys and Virtual Reality...

You'll be able to experience some of the illest rhymes in VR!

And I'll call it Beastiality!!!

“Dad” says son, “what’s the difference between theory and reality”?

“I’ll explain” says Dad. “MOTHER! Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” says mother, giggling.

“DAUGHTER! Would you sleep with Harry Styles for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” she says, blushing.

“There you go son” says Dad. “Theoretically we ...

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.

Why did the Software Engineer reality TV show get cancelled?

People thought it seemed too scripted.

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I used to have a picture of Ronald Regan in my bathroom.

To mt conservative friends I would say "That man got shit done, and you can too". To my liberal friends I would say "Isn't this the room where you'd put a piece of shit". But the reality it's just where I stored all of my mad cash. Nobody's going to touch a picture that's hanging in a bathroom.

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What is Hitler's favorite reality show?

The Amazing Race

Where do Egyptians go when they don't want to face reality

De-nile River

An absolute point in time was just undone

As reality started collapsing, the heroes struggled to stop it but couldn't figure out what was the reason behind it. Even Dr Strange furiously searched for the source of this calamity until a young sorcerer apprentice Ned started yelling.

"I found it! I found out what was the absolute point"...

A Gamers perspective of Reality.

Great graphics, terrible gameplay.

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Apple is releasing a new Virtual-reality headset specifically for VR porn.

They are calling it:The iFap

Proof that reality is a simulation...

The developers accidentally gave Totinos a randomized heat resistance stat.

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An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.

1. The American brings a smartphone

2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.

One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

What do odd numbers and reality TV stars in common?

They literally can't even

What is the difference between reality and fantasy?

In fantasy, if you're exposed to radiation, you become spider-man. In reality if your exposed to radiation, you get visited by spider-man

Two guys are sitting on a couch

watching a reality cop show. One of them says: "World outside is so brutal, Jesus Christ, so violent and scary. I don't think I can go outside ever again."

His friend: "At some point we have to! I'm afraid the homeowners are coming home soon."

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

Reality!

11:30- I will go to bed soon.

03:30- Why am i on wikipedia reading about advanced nuclear theory.

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If a cable news pundit, a reality TV personality, a political spin doctor, and a serial entrepreneur are all locked in a room together, who would be the first to realize they're of shit?

The room.

A man and a Genie.

A man found a genie that grants 3 wishes.

The genie said “I can do anything you want within the

bounds of reality. No bringing back the dead or

granting immortality.” The guy having lost so much in

his life asks the genie can you take my pain away? The

genie s...

Whenever I get into a joke war, I make a pun about reality TV stars

It’s my Trump card

Reality

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car !!!!

This guy had a magic door

This guy had a magic door in his house. Whenever he wanted he could open the door and step into a magic world where he was the only human in. Since he was alone in this magic world he was like the king and he could do whatever he wanted to. There was no wife to throw chores at him, no kids nagging a...

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