Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

What will they call Trump’s prison reality TV show?

Orange is the new Orange.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

What would you call a reality show where Sirius Black adopted the Weasley children?

Orange is the new Black... 🙃

What do you get when you cross a human being with a horrendous reality?

Suffering. You get suffering.

This isn't a joke, if you procreate you are gambling with someone else's wellbeing .

It doesn't matter how happy you may be, immense suffering exists.

Procreation inherently imposes a possibility of it occuring to the offspring, and it's beyond you...

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Porn videos does not reflect reality

It gives a warped perception of how quickly the plumber will come to your house.

The difference between fiction and reality?

Fiction has to make sense.

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to sign up for the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Well, three to be exact.

Which kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality

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Don't let someone's opinion of you become your reality

Asshole

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

Reality TV..

I REALISED my 10 year old nephew had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”

Did you hear about VR for Cows?

In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.

You could say it is a mooood enhancer!

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

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They say curiosity killed the cat... But in reality it just grabbed your attention

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange ...

I like to think of myself as a bottle of fine wine

I’m saving myself for another 10-15 years, but in reality I’ll probably wait too long, become funky, and just be left untouched until I’m thrown away

In an alternate reality where fences are females and posts are male...

A teenage post teases that his friend is taking another post to prom. The friend says, "Hey! I take a fence to that!"

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

There is a new reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

Unfortunately the finale is not a cliff hanger.

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

They say young men become obsessed with either "Atlas Shrugged" or "Lord of the Rings"

One is a fantasy that may cripple your ability to deal with reality, and the other is about orcs.

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I call my dick reality

It’s often disappointing

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

Happy Chris Columbus Day! Say what you want about the guy but in reality....

We wouldn't have the first two Harry Potter movies without him.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house. He calls for quotation....
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million.
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..
how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million ...

February 29th, 2020

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh....

What do you call a reality show about people with lobotomies?

Mindless entertainment.

Why did the Software Engineer reality TV show get cancelled?

People thought it seemed too scripted.

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Diffrence between potential and reality

An 8 years old son asks his dad:
"Whats
the difference between 'Potential ' and 'reality?'

Dad turns to wife: "Would you sleep with
Barack Obama for $1 million?"

Wife: "Of course, I will never waste that opportunity."

Dad turns to daughter: "Would you sleep with B...

A lot of people think Michael Jackson's Pronouns were He/Him, but in reality,

Michael's preferred prounouns were He/He

Augmented reality portal?

In my time we called that a church.

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

Proof that reality is a simulation...

The developers accidentally gave Totinos a randomized heat resistance stat.

“Dad” says son, “what’s the difference between theory and reality”?

“I’ll explain” says Dad. “MOTHER! Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” says mother, giggling.

“DAUGHTER! Would you sleep with Harry Styles for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” she says, blushing.

“There you go son” says Dad. “Theoretically we ...

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A horny man goes to Amsterdam...

... and immediately to a brothel. He's escorted to a room where a gorgeous lady awaits him. He asks her:

\- How are your hand jobs?

She points to the window and says:

\- Do you see that Maybach outside?

The man nods.

\- I earned it only with my hand jobs. In my fi...

Reality Check

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

“Do you know her?” the wife asks.

“Yes,” the husband says. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorc...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

Did you hear about the reality show based on 9/11?

No? I'm not surprised, the pilot crashed.

Where do Egyptians go when they don't want to face reality

De-nile River

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So I've decided to take 2 of my loves and smash them together. The Beastie Boys and Virtual Reality...

You'll be able to experience some of the illest rhymes in VR!

And I'll call it Beastiality!!!

What does reality and an MMORPG have in common?

You never get invited to a party

Someone once told that there’s little difference between the male and female reproductive systems. But in reality...

There’s a vas deferens.

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

What is the difference between reality and fantasy?

In fantasy, if you're exposed to radiation, you become spider-man. In reality if your exposed to radiation, you get visited by spider-man

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An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.

1. The American brings a smartphone

2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.

One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

A man working on an imaginary high voltage transformer was found dead in his home.

He had apparently received a fatal shock from the fictitious device.

Investigators who later examined it concluded that this was because it was not grounded in reality.

If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world

The ending would be a cliffhanger.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...

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Doctor Dave has sex with one of his patients...

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it....

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What's the difference between potential and reality?

One night at dinner a son asks his father "What's the difference between potential and reality?"

His father says let me show you. He turns to his wife and asks "Honey, if The Rock offered you $1 million to sleep with him, would you?"

She says "Of course I would!"

The father the...

What do odd numbers and reality TV stars in common?

They literally can't even

If Eminem had the infinity gaulent....

He could actually snap back into reality

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

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Apple is releasing a new Virtual-reality headset specifically for VR porn.

They are calling it:The iFap

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Working from home is like VR porn

It looks like you're doing something, but in reality, its fucking nothing.

Imagine NOT being a failure to your parents

Then step back into reality

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

A Gamers perspective of Reality.

Great graphics, terrible gameplay.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.


Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I cou...

Reality

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car !!!!

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What is Hitler's favorite reality show?

The Amazing Race

Unfortunately men are still getting infected even when they abide by social distancing

That's because six feet to them is in reality 5'8"

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive.

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way th...

Whenever I get into a joke war, I make a pun about reality TV stars

It’s my Trump card

in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format.

it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.

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If a cable news pundit, a reality TV personality, a political spin doctor, and a serial entrepreneur are all locked in a room together, who would be the first to realize they're of shit?

The room.

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A doctor had sex with his patient and felt an overwhelming amount of guilt about it the next day. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the shame. Once and a while, a voice would reassure him

"Don't worry, I'm sure you're not the only medical practitioner to have sex with their patient."

Then another voice would jump in and bring him back to reality: "you are a sick bastard." It whispered "and a terrible veterinarian."

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