Cognitive Jokes - 14 Hilarious Cognitive Jokes

The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences.

The good news Is

I went to the doctor to get a cognitive test.

The cardiologist told me “You’re not very bright but your hearts in the right place.”

A Cognitive psychologist asks a concussed man to count from one to ten.

The man does as he is told and counts : " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 "

"Alright then, everything seems normal. Now could you count all the even numbers from one to ten please"

The man counts: "1, 3, 5, 7, 9"

"That's odd"

I studied cognitive development for ten years.

Didn't learn a thing...

We'll call it "The cognitive and behavioral fun time vacation for people with ADHD"

'Cause apparently "concentration camp" isn't politically correct

What do you call an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, logician, political commentator, social justice activist, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate who doesn't eat ham?

NO-HAM CHOMPSKY

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

An older man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

The doctor performs all of the routine tests — physical, cognitive, blood, urinalysis, etc. — and he tells the man to come back in a week for the results.

A week later the man returns to the doctor’s office. The doctor addresses him with a stern look on his face and says, “Unfortunately, I h...

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A horse walks into a bar....

The bartender asks why the long face? The horse Lacking a cognitive perspective or ability to understand the English language. He looks at the bartender abruptly shits on the floor and leaves.

A doctor diagnosed me with...

... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.

... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!

... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.

... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams...

Assuming everyone has seen the human head transplant story..

I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,

"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body ...

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My dad's dad joke a few moments ago

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, ...

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Now, it's your turn.

A man interested in becoming a therapist applies to work as a trainee and begins apprenticeship. He learns for a few weeks and observes technique.

"Now we're going to try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy," says the therapist. "The method essentially focuses on identifying problems and what the pa...

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