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Skills Jokes

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
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My boss said my math skills are average.

That's just mean.
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...
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Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke!

edit: Thanks guys for some hilarious jokes! Keep 'em coming. I wanted to let you know that I've messaged the mods about this thread. Maybe it could be a weekly thread? Who knows.
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Thinking about starting a cooking website for chefs of all cuisines and ethnic tastes to show their skills.

Going to call it OnlyPans.
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Samurai skills

A man wants to learn to use a katana (a samurai sword) so he goes to three different masters. He goes to the first one and asks “why should I let you teach me?” The samurai sees a fly flying by and slices the fly in half with his sword. So the man goes to the next samurai and asks “why should I let ...
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Three kids are discussing the smoking skills of their parents in school.

One of them says “my dad can blow the smoke through the nose” and the other two ask “wow, have you seen it?” to what he replies “yes he does it all the time”.
The second one says “well, my dad can blow the smoke through the ears”, the other too ask again “wow! Have you seen it???” to what he repl...
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What does a rapping goat call their verbal drum skills?

Bleat boxing
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

Schools should teach useful things such as parenting skills to children.

Okay, that's not a good idea. Children will immediately realize that they have bad parents.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have any special skills?

The interviewer asked if the applicant had any special skills. The applicant responded that they had been practicing day and night to become the best masturbator.

The interviewer was flabbergasted…and not knowing what to say….said “how is that a skill that is useful”.

The applicant rep...

With age comes skills. Its called ‘Multi Tasking’. I can

LAUGH, COUGH, SNEEZE, FART AND PEE

ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
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If you date a woman only for her massage skills...

Would it be considered massagenistic?
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I have some fine parking skills.

I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine.
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I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists
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Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.
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My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
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The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...
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The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...
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Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
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Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills!

I know that, but I can't let you starve to death
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*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'
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What develops great logistical skills in a man?

Having three mistresses at the same time.
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I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)
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I love Rock's acting in all his movies, I wonder where he got his acting skills from...

Oh he was in WWE.
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My Sewing skills aren't up to scratch...

Whoops! Wrong thread.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)
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Two Brothers Move to the City

There were two brothers who lived in the country.

One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs.

The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out ...
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What do you call someone with mediocre detonation skills?

An OK Boomer
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My Supervisor Suggested That I Need To Work On My People Skills

But he's dead now.
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A knight was complimenting a blacksmith on his armor crafting skills

The blacksmith responded, "It is my strong suit"
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...
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Why do engineers have to practice their social skills?

So they don't forget either of them.
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Some rabbits may be dumb, but they have math skills

They're really good at multiplying.
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Johnny's math skills

The village priest pays a visit to the local primary school. After introducing himself and his church, he also wants to see how much the kids have learnt already and asks little Johnny: "So Johnny, if you have 8 appples and you give me 4, how many apples do you have left?" "4, Sir", little Johnny re...
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Luke Skywalker took a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using Chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom:

"Use the forks, Luke!"
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Today, my dad complimented me on my parking skills

I’m still shaking
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How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.
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A guy wanted to show me his Bird imitation skills but I refused

So he flew away
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What do you call a recently hired conductor who’s still learning the job skills?

A trainee
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Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse
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My cooking skills are so good

My cooking skills are so good, the smoke detectors cheer me on.
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The eagle was a bird of many skills.

One could say he was very talon-ted.
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My wife berated me last night about my conversational skills...

"Have you even listened to anything I said??" is a very odd start to a conversation.
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Three prostitutes are sitting at a bar

Over a well deserved the drink the 3 discuss their skills and attributes.

The first explains that she is so accommodating she can fit a whole fist inside of her and proceeds to give a demonstration.

The second unimpressed states that she can fit two fists, elbow deep. After some stretc...

Interviewer: "Under skills, you listed "great dad" ."

Job applicant: "The best !"

Interviewer: "i haven't seen you in years. i'm not hiring you."

Job applicant: "Please, i need the money, son."
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What do you call a bear with martial arts skills?

Grizz Lee.

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.
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I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit
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Tom was famous with his amazing drawing skills.

One day he drew a $100 bill on the desk of his teacher. Once the lady entered to the class immediately noticed that and started tearing it. After 10 min she ended up breaking her acrylic nails.

"Tom, get the hell outta here! I need your father right away" yelled the teacher.

30 min la...

From my handwriting identification skills.

I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.
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A girl was practicing her singing skills when her mum told her...

Mum: “I wish you were on TV”
Daughter: “thanks mom... am I that good?”
Mum: “no I’d just be able to turn your voice down”
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What do you call someone with amazing equestrian skills?

A Stable Genius.
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On job applications I put “Can pee with morning wood” under skills.

When the employer asks me why I just say “Well because it’s kind of hard”
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My statistic skills are mediocre at best

And average at worst
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Have you heard about the dyslexic who was working too hard on his imagination skills?

He ended up in Santa Fe.
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15 year old sis of mine tried to show off her photoshop skills

I said it's just a minor editing
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A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers
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I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
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What do you call a green onion with mad rhyme skills?

A Rapscallion
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I have conversational ninja skills...

People don't notice when I'm talking.
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Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Satan had been arguing constantly about who had better computer skills...

They had been yelling and screaming at each other for months.

Finally God grew tired of the arguing and he said, "Let's see who can code the best program in only one hour." He snapped, the world went blank, and there was nothing but two computers and two desks side by side. Satan and Jesus sa...

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...
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Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.
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I just won an award for my hairdressing skills.

Best Newcomber
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I had to follow a soft skills course “How to give constructive criticism”.

It was total shit.

Three men line up to show off their skills at archery

They are to shoot off the apple off of a young boy's head. The first one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple clean off of the boy's head, and says, "I am Robin Hood!". The second one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple of the boy's head, and says, "I am William Tell!". The third on...
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A boy learns some woodworking skills on Reddit. He wants to impress his dad with his new skills so he builds him a gate for his yard with beautiful fenceposts. The dad says son, this is great but...

There used to be a gate in this exact spot, so this is just a repost.
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Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...
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The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....
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After completing my first three months doing MMA I asked my coach for a nickname that reflected my skills and badassery...

Now everybody calls me John Weak.
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At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
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Whenever asked about my culinary skills I always say I'm great at all kinds of cooking

Overcooking, undercooking...
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