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Relive Jokes

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Second Date.

I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our very first date.

So she walked over to me and asked "Can I buy you a drink handsome" I replied "Fuck off I'm not falling for that again"

Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true.

Mario just stops at the edge of the screen.

Playing a childhood video game to relive old memories is like hooking up with your EX...

Seems fun at first, but then you remember why you stopped in the first place.

A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary.

They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love. 

He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than when we first started to date!" 

She replies "The fence wasn't elec...

3 Guy Talking About the Zombie Apocalypse

These 3 guys are driving on the highway at night, and begin having a conversation about what they would do if there was a Zombie Apocalypse .

The guy in the passenger seat says, "I quit smoking years ago, so I make sure I keep a cigarette hidden in my trunk. I would re...

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Guy walks into a very crowded bar

The bar has long line so he gets in the line and waits and waits and waits. After finally being served he orders a bottle of Whiskey and leaves the line. After drinking the whole bottle of whiskey he gets a light headache and thinks water is a good idea. But there is a long line to get water. He get...

The Professor's Lecture

Professor Drobkin was about to lead a lecture in front of a large group of students and fellows at the University, and he was terribly nervous. He had never been very good at speaking in front of large audiences, so he'd practiced at home constantly with a set of notecards.

When he was summon...

I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...

We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.

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50th anniversary

For their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple in their 80s decided to relive their honeymoon. They got the same room in the same little cottage in the small town the got married in those many years ago.

While her husband excused himself to go to the bathroom, the wife thought she'd s...

Shafts and tattoos

Todd wants to get a tattoo of his girlfriend's name and decides to put it along his shaft. Now when he's erect it says "WENDY" and when he's flaccid it says "WY".

A few weeks later Todd and his girlfriend are taking a trip to Jamaica. As they're getting off the plane Todd has an urge to pee....

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An elderly couple goes out for dinner to the same restaurant they'd had their first date at 50 years before...

They have a little wine and grow tipsy. The lady asks her husband, "Do you remember what happened the first time you took me to this restaurant?"

"Yes," the old guy says with a wink. "I took you out back and made love to you up against the back fence."

She takes another sip of wine. "I...

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I went back to the town where I grew up...

I went back to the town where I grew up to walk around and relive old memories. I turned down the old street where I used to live, and found my childhood home. I knocked on the door and asked the occupants if I could come in. They said no.

My parents can be real assholes sometimes.

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Hamlet has to pee [Hamleak]

Quick little blurb I wrote in class:
“To pee, or not to pee, that is the question.
Whether ‘tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention.
Or to take arm against a see of urine and by opposing relive it.
To go-to pee,
No more; and by a leak we say t...

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A doctor went to a village inhabited by only men.

A young doctor went to an isolated village to provide medical assistance to its villagers which were composed only by men. One day the people tolled the doctor that if he ever felt the need for sexual relief that he'd need to go and stand in-line near the river and wait he's turn.

The next da...

A couple had been married for sixty years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife remarks, “Just think, sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
"I know,” the old man replies. “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds sixty years ago.” “Well,” says his wife, “Let’s relive ...

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Old Love

An old couple decided to relive their anniversary. They traveled to same hotel that they stayed in all those years ago. Eating breakfast, naked, as they did when they were younger, the old woman says to her husband of many years.
"Honey, I know we've been together a long time, but when I look at ...

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An elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a painful splinter in his foot

He is moaning in pain, just when an ant walks up. The ant sees his problem, and says, "Hey, I'll pull the splinter out of your foot, if you let me fuck you up the ass."

The elephant laughs a bit and agrees. So the ant climbs along his foot, and is able to pull hard enough to remove the spli...

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I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

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Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.



They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the...

A baby

A women is in the final stages of giving birth, and with one last push she hears the babies cries as the doctor holds it in his arms out of view. The doctor tells her there's a problem and rushes the baby out of the room. After 5 or 10 minutes the women is hysterical with worry for her child. The do...

Only at the sauna.

(translated from Russian.)

after the marriage Lucy asks her new husband:

Lucy: Darling now that we are married, Will you start drinking again?

James: Don't worry my love, I promise I will only drink on special occasions and at the sauna.

Lucy: Oh my, im so relived to hear...

An old couple celebrate their 50th anniversary at a restaurant...

...that they used to regularly go on dates to. It was a particularly fancy establishment and a few drinks into their visit, the elderly husband stood from his seat, looks around and asks his wife, "Do you think we should go behind this place and relive our first time here, like against the fences?"<...

Mexican Firetruck

A man lived right on the US side of the border between US and Mexico. One day his house caught on fire. He called 911, the operator said it would take the fire department 30 minutes to get there.

Panicking, he drove across the border, found the Mexican fire department and offered them $10,000...

New doctor is being mentored by old doctor...

...as they make rounds visiting patients, new doctor reads the chart of one of the patients and turns really sad.

Old doc: "what's the matter?"

New doc: "Well, this young patient is about to have his leg amputated and I have no idea how to break these terrible news to him."

Old...

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A man, a pig and a dog on stranded on a deserted island....

A man, a dog and a pig are stranded on a deserted island after surviving a shipwreck. The man and his animals have plenty of food and resources to survive, but after a while the man starts to feel sexually frustrated.

One day he decides to take his sexual frustration out on the pig but...

Passing The Test

A young Lieutenant is sitting at a bar, a beautiful woman approaches him and offers to buy him a drink. They have a few drinks filled with pleasent conversation. Afterwards she invites him back to her apartment for some casual fun.

They get to the apartment and she says 'listen I don't let j...

The dancing aliens (LONG)

On the first contact mission to Mars two astronauts where sent up to make contact with the other worldly beings. After 300 long days in the space ship the astronauts finally landed on Mars what they saw deeply surprised them they saw 2 beautiful humanoid figures welcoming them with open arms. The as...

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home...

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the...

So there's this boy who loves tractors

He lived on a farm, and watched the tractors drive by all day. He subscribed to tractor magazines, collected tractor figurines, had loads of tractor posters on his wall and even had some DVDs of tractor documentaries. He lived his whole childhood loving tractors.
On his 17th birthday, his dad sa...

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