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I was telling my mate, how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.

"Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked

"Well not really, I only went back two days"

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

An old professor of Particle Physics and his assistant were having beers at a pub in London when the conversation drifted to the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

The assistant mentioned one of the wonderous things the famous particle collider can do. "The Collider can accelerate protons," the assistant began.

The professor smiled and said, "Yes, I've seen it do that, personally."

Surprised and intrigued that his mentor had worked with ...

My uncle told me he was a failed experiment with chloroform

Whenever he releases gas everyone around passes out

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

God does an experiment with US Marines...

One lofty Sunday God looks down and sees a boat of six Marines paddling in the ocean, chanting; ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR...United States Marine Corps.

Impressed by their focus and intensity he ponders; "What would happen if I removed half their brain powers" and does so. "ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR...Unit...

I did a social experiment on campus

I was having a bad day one week so I decided to try something at my college. I stood in the middle of campus and held up a sign that read "hug me" in hopes that maybe somebody would come around and cheer me up. I waited for 10-20 minutes and then people started walking up. I got so many hugs and it...

Why did Philip Zimbardo prematurely end his infamous prison experiment?

His girlfriend put her foot down and said “I can’t Stanford this.”

A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go...

All the anti gravity experiments I conducted gave my son terminal cancer

It was incredibly hard to put him down.

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the w...

A scientist decides to conduct an experiment on the anatomy of arachnids, so he takes a spider and puts it on his table.

“Walk!”, he yells, and the spider starts skittering away. The scientist writes the results down: “when a normal spider is told to walk, it walks.”

He then takes the spider and plucks one of its legs out. He then sets it on the table and yells the same thing,“walk!”

The spider starts wa...

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they wo...

A group of scientists conducted an interesting experiment on frogs.

They wanted to see how cutting off the legs of frogs would affect them.

In one of the experiments, a scientist told the frog to jump. It didn't.

The scientists concluded that cutting off the legs of frogs would make them deaf.

An interesting experiment

There was this specially talented musician, he could play almost any instrument, conduct an entire orchestra and compose like anyone else.

So, a couple scientists were very interested in finding how his brain works.

The musician agreed with a bizarre experiment, he would let the scient...

Scientists have come up with a new name for experiments that utilize placebos

Trick or treatment

My ex-girlfriend saya she experiments with girls, once a week.

"She must be bi-weekly."

Just thought of this. Any input is welcomed.

A teacher does a classroom experiment

The teacher has three jars, one filled with alcohol, one filled with cigarette smoke, and one filled with soil.
The teacher puts a few worms in each jar and says to the students “we’ll see which jar is thriving tomorrow.”
The next day the worms in the jars with the alcohol and cigarette smoke ...

Three Doors Experiment

Three men volunteered for the Three Doors Experiment. To survive you must get past each door. Behind door one, 8 hours in a tiger pit. Behind door two, 8 hours with 50 of the most beautiful and ravenous women in the world. And Behind door three, all the wine a man could drink in a lifetime.


They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p...

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My friends and I experimented with sex in high school...

I was the control group

Did you hear about the science experiment where they successfully transferred human DNA into a dog?

They say the scientist spent too much time in the lab.

"Professor, what organic compound do you need for the experiment, Amine or Benzene?"

- Ether is fine

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A Redditor got bored and decided to try an experiment...

There was a case of Coca Cola in the corner of the basement, next to a case of store-brand Cola. He decided to test the effects of each on the ants that infested the basement. He spilled a small puddle of each on the floor and watched as the ants crowded around the sugary liquids. At some point the ...

A mathematician and a physicist are given no food for 24 hours as a part of a psychology experiment.

After the 24 hours, both of them are placed on one end of a room, with a steaming plate of food on the other side.

The psychologist explains, “Every five minutes, you will be moved halfway across the room, until you reach the food.”

The mathematician is furious and says, “This is ridic...

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What is a sex-addicted chemist’s favorite experiment?

Making a hormone.

My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom

This morning we synthesised a new protein chain

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I was enjoying reddit's new social experiment, but then someone betrayed my CircleOfTrust ...

What a circlejerk.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on.

His name was FrankEinstein

What do you do when you run out of salt for an experiment?

You get Mohr salt.

The Frog Experiment

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, he put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet so the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet jumps four feet."

Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's legs. The scientist told the frog to ...

As a social experiment, I wore a fat suit for 1 month.

It was a test to see what it was like to be your mom.

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

I tried to run an experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume

But the p-value was too low.

A Joke Experiment

A guy walks into a bar…

That is the first line of the joke experiment. I’m curious to see if the r/jokes community can work together to craft the Perfect Joke. I don’t know if this has been done before, but I’m sure if it’s a bad idea it will be ignored (or downvoted into oblivion) anyway...

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Tribal Experiment!

A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to...

A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog

They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps.

Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good.

Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump.

Experiment made by Russian scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals shocking information

Nobody reads Russian names

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What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

Did you hear about this CRAZY experiment done by SCIENTISTS?

A man suffered from headaches, he went in for treatment.

Scientists removed the right half of his brain, and asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The main counted, "one, three...

I spilled all of my peroxynitrite in the middle of an experiment

I was like : " ONOO^- "

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Alien experiment

So these 2 aliens get orders to go to this new planet earth and abduct a human for studying. The aliens, not knowing what a human looks like, happen to land at a gas station.

Alien A walks up to the gas pump and shrugs and says, " human surrender and come with us" the gas pump doesn't do any...

A group of scientists conducted experiments on earthquakes

The results were ground breaking

The FBI are doing an experiment to test the level of people's patriotism ...

They get three married couples and separate them, placing the men in one room and the women in another. They ask the men if they would shoot their wives for their country and all agree they would. They hand the first guy a gun and tell him to go and shoot his wife. Guy walks in the room with his wif...

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Social Experiment

Me: "are you single?"

Girl : "What are you doing in my house?!"

Fucking feminists

A scientists caught a fly to perform an experiment.

So he says to his assistant to cut off fly's wings and 2 of its legs.
The scientist says to the fly:
- Crawl. - and the fly crawls, - Ok, write it down "After removing 2 legs the fly still crawls".
And the assistant writes it down.
- Remove 2 more. - says the first. - Now, fly, cra...

A scientist preforms an experiment on a frog...

First, he puts the frog in a box. Once the frog is in the box, the Scientist claps . The frog, startled, jumps out of the box. The scientist then catches the frog and puts it back in the box.

Next, he removes one leg from the frog, and claps again. The frog, startled, jumps out of the box. Th...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:

1) No one can find out that I did this.

2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.

3) I'm gonna need ...

My girlfriend said she wanted to experiment more in the bedroom...

I don't know why she got so mad when I put my baking soda and vinegar volcano next to the nightstand.

A scientist is running experiments with spiders...

He believes he has discovered something profound so he calls up everyone he can, family, friends, press to come see him present his discovery to the world.

Everyone shows up and the scientist begins his experiment. He has 8 spiders lined up in a row and he says simply "walk three steps forwar...

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

Why was a physicist unable to do the double slit experiment?

His wife didn't want a threesome.

Old experiment

#You are now breathing and blinking manually.

#also you are aware of your tongue now.

Let me know if this worked

So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines;

*Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation.

Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered...

Two scientists are about the open the results of a recent experiment.

The first scientist eagerly asks the other: "So, what does it say? Is it looking like we're pretty close to a cure?"
"Well, it appears that out of all the mice that received the new treatment, we were only able to successfully cure every-other one. So, the odds aren't looking very good..."

A very bright scientist was conducting experiments on frogs

He spent a lot of time teaching them to jump as they heard the word *jump*.

And so, after he had 10 frogs that could jump when they heard the word *jump*, he took one to the experimentation room, put the frog on the table.


Sure enough, the frog jumped. The scientist wro...

The whole "Pavlov's Dog Experiment" is such a load of bunk I'm sick of people bringing it up... this point just *hearing* the name "Pavlov" makes me mad.

When Pavlov was done with his experiments what did he do with his dogs?

Donate them to the salivation army

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What's it called when two female scientists have sex for the first time?

A double slit experiment

I was recently asked to be a part of a biological experiment. The researchers said they would mutate me with an extra chromosome and give me $10 000 for it.

I'm down.

A science experiment.

In a science class, 3 worms were placed into 3 separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of whisky.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in w...

If I were to steal an experiment from a microbiology lab...

...would it be cultural appropriation?

Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.

For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to wal...

Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments?

Because they were for test porpoise only

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.

(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

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The Stone-Age of Enlightenment

The year; 66 Million B.C.

September 23rd. Just after lunch, central standard time.

Three Neanderthals- Ogg, Grunk, and Louie were hunting mammoths and discussing the new sport that was taking the caves by storm. Ogg was filling the other two in on the details of the game, as they d...

While defending the relevance of his laser experiments, the scientist shouted,

"Photons matter!"

A team of particle physicists ran an experiment for the entire year,

and the detector reported exactly fifty two events which they were looking for. They published a research paper called "Weekly interacting particles".

You may not be aware of it, but NASA conducted an experiment during the Apollo mission days.

They launched a collection of cows into orbit on a prototype rocket.

It was a herd shot round the world.

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A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation.

They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So ...

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Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated)

Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the resul...

Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana.

I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail.

^-- ^Ed ^Byrne

What would Gregor Mendel pray for if he had a blender for his experiments?

Whirled Peas

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There was once these three students...

... and they were told to conduct an experiment of their choice. So the bought an elephant and put a cork in its ass and fed it non stop for 3 weeks. The idea was to see if it would all discharge at once. They had everything for the experiment ready: the hired a field had transport of the elephant b...

An Experiment Was Done on a Frog

An experiment was done on a frog.

One limb was cut off from the frog.

"Jump," said the scientist. And frog leaped across the table.

"One limb gone: the frog was still able to jump," the scientist wrote on his paper.

Then he cut off another limb.
"Jump," he commande...

the fowled experiment

scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the wind...

What do you call it when you think about dating a hoe?

A thot experiment

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

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Jenny’s Mother phones Johnny’s Mother in a rage..

“I need to talk to you about your son’s behaviour! I walked in on him and Jenny playing doctors and nurses earlier, I was shocked. “

“Well all kids experiment sexually, I’m sure it was perfectly innocent” Johnny’s Mother replies.

“Sex?? He was taking her fucking appendix out!!”

The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

A few guys grew some weed

A group of friends decided to experiment with growing weed one day. It proved to be a success and they were very proud of their work.

However, one member of the group decided to take all the credit for himself. This was foolish as it was obviously a joint effort...

I overheard two people having a argument about vaccines.

Guy 1: How could people even think that vaccines are harmful?

Guy 2: Well when I was young my parents did an experiment they got me vaccinated and my twin was vaccination free.
Now I have had many sicknesses while my brother had almost none!

Guy 1: Wait I never knew you had a twin.<...

A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dro...

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class

a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms."Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.<...

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I was TAing an electrostatics lab.

The experiment was to see what happens when you rub wool on a bunch of rods of different materials and then bring the rods near scraps of paper. One student’s lab report had this observation on what happens when you try to electrostatically charge up a metal rod and bring it near paper: “paper remai...

Three Men Of God

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all ...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.

Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

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A scientist goes into a kindergarten classroom...

A scientist goes into a kindergarten classroom to conduct an experiment. The experiment involves the kids eating gummy bears and judging by the color and taste, the kids will shout out the flavor.

The scientist gives them a red gummy bear and the kids can instantly tell that it’s strawberry....

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

* 1st in beer
* 2nd in wine
* 3rd in whiskey
* 4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

* The 1st worm in beer, dead.
* The 2nd in wine, dead.
* The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
* The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks t...