America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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Success is like pregnancy

Everyone congratulates you but has no idea how many times you got fucked In order to achieve it

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

My 5 y/o daughter is always making up jokes that often make no sense. She had success with this one liner last night.

She said, "Hey dad, if you were a bubble, you could blow yourself."

Gave us a good laugh.

What's the difference between an attempted-murder and a successful murder?

Execution.

Peter and Stewie Griffin were sent to a peace negotiation. I was skeptical at first, but it was a full success

I guess a fat man and a little boy really were enough to end a war

The Ungent family owns a successful soap business

They recently created a brand new soap to release to their customers, and all things went well until it became time to name their soap.

“It should be named after the scent,” one declared.

“No, no, no,” another corrected, “it has to be after our family name.”

“Why can’t we just c...

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Ladder to success

A man died and went to heaven. As he entered through the pearly gates he saw a beautiful woman sitting under a tree. She smiled at him and said, "Come to my arms and make love to me". As the man happily approached her he saw a ladder going up through the skies.

"What is that?", the man asked....

Do you guys wanna know what success looks like?

6s

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

What did the Pope say to the heretic who successfully lobbied to be buried on hallowed ground?

"What we have here is a failure to excommunicate!"

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

There are two rules to success:

1. Never reveal everything you know.

Modern times:- Success is when your "signature" turns into "autograph", In olden times Success is

Success is if your "murder" turns into "assassination".

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

What is it called if you fail to successfully perform the Heimlich maneuver?

Two people choking.

Did you know that Vlad the Impaler was a very successful racing instructor?

He brought thousands into the pole position.

When MLB starts back up, I will have successfully completed my goal...

To be banned from all 30 ballparks.

Why wasn’t the movie Five Feet Apart (2019) more successful?

It was a year early and a foot short.

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So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor

However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have sex with his patients. One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too". The other voice in his head says "But Dave, you're...

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

They say repetition is the key to success.

They say repetition is the key to success.

Of all the dating sites I've tried, I found the most success on Google.

I just typed in "single girls" and got 49 million matches!

What's the most successful career

Mountain climbing. You'll reach your peak many times.

Leave a comment if you cringed reading this.

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

I built a successful bartering company, where I trade fresh fruits for measurement instruments to later sell them.

I started it with a banana for scale.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

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How did Pharaoh successfully enslave the Jews?

He created a pyramid scheme

I tried carpentry once. I started by trying to nailing some old, reclaimed wood together. I wasn't successful so instead I just though...

Screw it.

If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.

My parents used to tell me that joke all the time.

Still remember it to this day.

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the...

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

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At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

With Ford v Ferrari being so successful

Chevy has decided to come out with their own movie. Total Recall

There are two secrets to being rich and successful.

1. Don't give away everything you know.

I thought I'd be a successful archaeologist

turns out my career is in ruins.

Why are Carpenters that build stairs very successful in life?

They are always thinking a step ahead

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Did you hear about the puzzle masters who tried to overthrow the Japanese government but were only partially successful?

It was a pseudo coup

I thought my new strategy was going to make me successful at the playground hopscotch but I still wasn't able to complete it.

I guess its back to square one.

Just started using Tinder and my success rate is amazing!

Apparently I am completely unmatched.

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

My company just conducted a one-day motivation training for all the junior employees. It was a roaring success.

All the junior employees are really motivated to find new jobs now.

I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.

It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

Why did the toilet paper not successfully cross the road?

He got stuck in a crack

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

What makes farmers so successful?

They’re all out standing in their field

What do you call a very successful Muslim businessman?

Profit Mohammed.

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

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3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

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A professor, a janitor, and the school's principal are leaving for the day when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After just a few minutes, he ca...

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

I started a successful boat-building business in the attic of my house.

Sails are going through the roof!

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

A guy tries to lose weight

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

Damn politicians

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning t...

How to retire when business is poor

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.

"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture," said the first man. "Was successful for many yea...

If you attempt to rob a bank

You will have no trouble with food, rent or bills for the next 10 years, regardless of your success.

What did the millennial say after they successfully started the campfire?

That's lit

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

Husband's 19 year old secretary

A woman finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

"My dear wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope that y...

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I decided to quit masturbating and so far it's been a success.

It's just been really hard.

To be a successful stalker

You must do the following :-)

A native american man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies. When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, they people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold w...

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."

"Who's there?"

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"CHICAGO"

He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to Hell, this works out.

Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

Steve Jobs had a better and more successful business than Trump. But would he have been a better President as well?

Well, that's like comparing Apples with Oranges.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it

My illegal logging business is a success

Gorgeous women have trouble successfully shoplifting

Because everyone in the store is trying to check them out.

Behind every successful man is a woman

Chasing him.
;)

Meeting the Friend's Blonde Girlfriend

A man is introducing himself to his friend's new girlfriend who happens to be a blonde.

As he reaches out to shake her hand, his friend notices a nasty scar on his forearm.

Jokingly, his friend points and says, "what happened? Failed suicide attempt?"

The man laughs it off and ...

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender asks how he’d like to pay. “You know that I’m running a tab. Sometimes it feels so long, written on the inner edges of my spirit, an itemized list of each moral failing, each successive regression.” The bartender snickers, “You mean your bill?” The duck refrains from weeping.

Success

A guy finds a strange cave entrance in the wilderness. Because curiousity's only hazardous to cats he walks in.

He sees a gorgeous woman inside. The woman lets her single-piece dress fall and says: "Take me or climb higher to success" pointing at the stairs carved from the stone behind her....

So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say

"You're the team of the crop"

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Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

I hear the army of Holland has had very successful operations in the past, preventing horrible things from happening.

They’ve dutched the bullet many times.

So, after reading a bunch of “self-help” books, I’ve FINALLY found the secret to financial success!!

I think I’m going to write a self-help book!

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A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property.

The police forced the fryers to close down their stall located just outside the mansion, where they had been selling flowers.

Said one fryer, "well if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist fryers."

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

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The secret to success in the corporate world

A young professional parks his battered old car outside his office one morning. Stepping out, he sees the CEO sweeping into the car park in his brand new, sparkling, top of the range Mercedes S Class.

Starstruck, and knowing this company has an ethos of openness which means everyone is appro...

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What do you call a successful reddit virgin?

Elon Musk

If Bible was so successful..

why is there no Bible 2?

I knew a successful businessman who decided to shut down everything and run a funeral parlor.

It was quite the undertaking.

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