UPJOKE
successfulwinningconquestwinnerachievertriumphvictorygreatunsuccessfulachievementachieveprosperityperformanceresultsuccesses

Success Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really wanted to write a joke about my successful transition surgery.

But I don’t have the balls to do it.

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of books I've read this year

● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.


● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.


● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.


● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.


● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
...

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Definition of Politics

A Russian Jew successfully secured relocation to Israel.

At the Moscow airport, when conducting a search of his belongings, the customs official found a statue in his case.

He asked the traveler:

‘What is this?’

The traveler replied:

‘That is the wrong question, co...

Forgetful preacher...

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On...

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:


Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

Tom, a successful Real estate developer was 65 and just married Candy, 44 years his junior

After they came back from their honeymoon they did a party for all of their friends. At the party one of Tom friends asked him:

“Hey man I know you got money and all but how did you land a woman so good looking and so young?”

Tom replies: “well, to be honest I lied about my age and hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad breakups are like a successful visit to the toilet.

You look back and think “What a piece of shit!”

Today I successfully weighed a rainbow

Turns out it was pretty light

I asked 7 CEOs “what’s the secret to your success?”, and they all said the same thing:

“How did you get in my house?”

What's the difference between Mike Myers and Michael Myers?

Michael Myers starred in a successful movie in the last decade.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

Why couldn’t Lorena Bobbitt be a successful film director?

Every time she yelled “CUT”, the male actors fled the set.

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

The Boston Symphony Orchestra....

The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes long, during which the double-bassists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking dumb, some of the bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern ...

What's the difference between a surgeon and a comedian?

A comedian has a successful day if his jokes kill, and he leaves everyone in stitches.

A surgeon can afford to move out of his parents' house.

(OC)

My maths teacher is also a successful model...

That's what I call a significant figure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a brothel looking for something different

He goes to the counter and tells the lady “I feel like I’ve tried everything. Regular sex is boring for me. I’ve done 2 girls, 3 girls, 2 guys, 3 guys, toys, watching, everything. I can’t even get it up anymore. Can you help?”

The madame cracks a sly smile and says “go down the hall to room 4...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just seen a lad who I used to go to school with years ago

and we ended up having a bit of a catch up and he revealed he's getting wed soon and it's an arranged marriage that his parents have sorted out for him.

So I was asking about the ins and outs of what goes on and what the bride is like etc.. and he basically tells me that him and his parents h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Success is like being pregnant

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you were fucked to get there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"

The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"

The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long stay at a swanky resort

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.


Joe approached the man, and seized his hand....

The key to a successful marriage is patience

I've been waiting 51 years for a successful one

i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Flight

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said "...

Out of all businesses, I think the condom business is the least successful

They are killing their future customers

Heard this at a wedding

A woman and her husband had been married for 60 years and had remained faithful and loving this entire time. However, the woman did have one secret; a shoebox in her closet. The shoebox itself was not a secret, but the wife had told the husband that he was never to open or ask about the box, so the...

What did the serial killer say at the end of a successful first date?

Let me get them digits.

After years of digging, a gold prospector finally found a small amount of a precious metal

It was a miner success.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of my late grandma

This was the best joke she ever told:

A very successful and respected couple had three sons, each of whole became highly successful and well-regarded. One son became a doctor, another an engineer and the last was a lawyer. Every year they gathered for Christmas and soon the children’s spous...

Two students of architecture, one Italian and one Greek are at a bar to celebrate their graduation

The Italian student proposes an idea his Greek classmate, “Let's meet up again in 10 years, to see how successful we have become”. The Greek student, interested in this proposition, accepts.

10 years later

The Greek man is invited to the home of the Italian man, when he arrives, he is ...

Success is like toilet paper;

it only seems important when you don’t have it.

Here are the three unwritten rules of being successful at life.

1.

2.

3.

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

The name and symbol for Bluetooth are based on a Danish-Norwegian king, dubbed ‘Harald Bluetooth’

He had three wives, and four children between them. One then became his heir.

In other words, Bluetooth paired successfully

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.



They set themselves up on the edge of a clear...

Grandpa’s 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he sta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

A sad first attempt at a joke

(It’s my first time posting here. Don’t blame me for the terrible joke lol)

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dragon Ball Z is real.

Messi collected 7 golden balls and successfully wished for a world cup.

A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately, now he has a problem with squatters.

A landlord’s lesson…

A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Customers are down and costs are soaring. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of...

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

A lady went to the doctor because she had been struggling to lose weight.

She had tried all kinds of diets and pills and exercise programs with no success. The doctor said, "don't worry; I have a special remedy that is sure to work. Just eat a small piece of sesame cracker with unsweetened tea three times a day for three weeks. Then check in with me on your progress."
...

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital’s always Dublin.

I'm working on a show that focuses on the life of a gifted airplane captain.

Producers said that if I wanted to be successful, I'd need an excellent pilot.

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A golfing instructor has no luck teaching a young, married woman. (NSFW)

Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass.

This is beginning to affect his ability to get new clients, and he is constantly getting ribbed by colleagues.

One lesson, after angrily stamping a clump of grass back i...

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

There are two rules for success:

1. Never reveal everything you know

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The prizefighter and the texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice ...

After an Eye Surgery

Doctor: The Surgery was a complete Success

The Patient: I see.

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

What do you call it when two Vietnamese people are successful?

A Nguyen Nguyen situation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shaving your ass and going on a crusade are rather similar.

All you need to be successful is a sharp blade and unwavering faith.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cheeky humor

A man's face was badly burned in a kitchen fire. The doctors agreed that the only hope of restoring it was to do a skin graft.

Unfortunately, he was a very slim dude and there was not enough excess skin to do the procedure. So they took skin from his wife's buttocks.

The operation was...

Four guys meet at their 25 year high school reunion…

They sit at a table and begin catching up. They hadn’t spoken to each other since graduation. One guy gets up and excuses himself to use the restroom.

In his absence, the other begin talking about how rich and successful they’ve become and as a result how rich and successful their sons are. ...

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.