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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

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Success is like getting pregnant

Everyone congratulates you,

But no one asks how many times you got fucked.

Why are Dolphins so successful at dating?

They always click with one another!

Success is relative….

The more success, the more relatives you have!

Why was the herbal railway a big success?

All the trains ran on thyme.

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Someone asked me what was my secret to a successful marriage after having kids? I told them it's Vaseline, but not for what you're thinking.

Rub a scoop onto the door handle and the kids can't turn the knob to get into the house.

To be successful in a relationship, always be frank and ernest!

Frank when you're with your wife, and Ernest when you're with your girlfriend.

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

What would you call a super successful poultry farmer?

Chick magnate

Our planet successfully played most notes on the piano.

But it couldn't B flat.

people told me i will never be successful because of my deafness

but i never listen to them

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

Why are orphans so successful?

You either go big or go home.

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

To become rich and successful all you need is to make sure you get your foot through the door.

The only thing that can stop you is when someone figures out who broke into their houses.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

A Local United Way Office Realized That the Organization Had Never Received a Donation From the Town’s Most Successful Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give...

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

Key to a successful marriage

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband was asked what was the secret to their marriage. He replied, “When we first got married, we agreed that I would make all the big decisions and she would make all the small decisions. So far it’s been all small decisions.”

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

Doctor: The mouth surgery was successful

Doctor: You just can’t speak for a few days.

Patient: thanks so much, doc!

Doctor: don’t mention it

An 80-year-old farmer walks into a bar.

"Remember a few years back when my wife died?" he asks the bartender.

"Yes," the bartender says sadly.

"Well," the farmer continues, "now I am no longer a widower! Yesterday, I married a 21-year-old woman."

The bartender knows that a 21-year-old woman will not be very happy with...

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

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Why wasn’t the ‘Snow White and seven dwarfs’ porn parody successful?

There were too many short comings.

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

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A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?" The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option." The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house." The man, very grateful, replie...

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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This guy is 500 pounds, Has tried everything to lose weight and nothing works for him....

One day he reads about ground breaking work in weight control being done by doctor in another state, he calls gets promising information and decides to make the trip.

Walls are removed, cranes are ordered and the man is trucked off to the clinic. The procedure is a success, within a month, h...

A charity office noticed that their town's most successful lawyer had never given any of his hundreds of thousands of dollars to the charity. One of the charity reps called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that, despite your wealth, you haven't given a cent to charity," said the charity rep. "Wouldn't you like to make at least a small donation?"

"Did you research also tell you that my mother is dying of cancer?" replied the lawyer.

"No," answered the charity rep.
<...

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As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success.

Apparently, they don't give a shit.

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What's difference between Hitler and the Boston Marathon Bomber?

The bomber successfully stopped a race

Why was the friendly pimp so successful?

Because he ensured all his customers that he would keep them in his thots.

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A US special forces team is assembled in Afghanistan...

The team's objective is to try to extract as many transsexuals from Afghanistan as possible before the Taliban find them.

The leader of the team makes it clear to his commanding officer, that an auto mechanic will be crucial for the success of this operation.

When asked why a mechanic...

As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.

Sometimes I take it for granite.

My friend successfully guessed the first present I'd got him for his Cuban themed party, but not the second present.

Clothes but no cigar.

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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In an attempt to break his addiction...

In an attempt to break his addiction, a chronic masturbator decides to buy a whiteboard and start tallying the days since he last jerked off. After a successful day, the man grabs a marker and draws two tallies, but realizing it had only been one day, he takes his hand and rubs one out.

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

Mr. Chair is in distress after Mrs Chair went under surgery, even after it went successful, with no incidents whatsoever.

So one of his friends asks Mr Chair what happened. And he answered: "I've been married to my wonderful and lovely Mrs Chair for fifteen years, and now this doctor comes with a stupid smile on his face and tells me she's table!"

-

Obligatory: English is not my native tongue, so sorry f...

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What do you call a drunk who won't shut the fuck up about being a successful gambler?

A Keno-speaker.

Fecal implant success rate...

One terd

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

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A man and a woman were having sex

Her: I want you to hurt me

Him: Your sister is more successful than you

Her: Wait

Him: Not a big fan of the new haircut

Her: Stoppp

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?

Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

The key to successful relationships is being earnest and frank...

... so when I'm with my wife in Washington D.C., I'm Earnest, and with my girlfriend in Baltimore, I'm Frank.

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I did my Jamaican stepfather proud by making a successful career in pornography

He always said I would amount to nuttin'...

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

In 1974, Volkswagen introduced the Golf to Europe as a small car with a trunk large enough to stuff your golf clubs…

American companies would follow the success of this model, with Ford soon releasing the “Escort” in 1980.

*still working on this one

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Sex and happiness

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office.



After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy s...

A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters

Is that cow from Minsk?

A small village in Russia had a cow that was able to produce enough milk for the village. She produced like a machine, until one day she started producing less and less. Realizing that her production was going to cease, the villagers asked their Rabbi for advice.

"You should go to the place ...

The secret to success

There are all sorts of tips for a successful life but I have found the one guaranteed to bring you success and wealth.

To truly be successful it is important to only work half days.

And the best part of it? What makes this such a great plan? It’s that it doesn’t matter which 12 hours y...

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

"The surgery went successful Mr. Dawson, we removed the infected vertebra from your spine."

Dawson: "Doc you sure this will solve my problem?"

Dr: "Don't worry, we got your back!"

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, owned a cattle ranch,

Unfortunately, their bull died. They needed to purchase a new one, but they only had $500. The brunette said she'd go to the nearest town to see if she could buy a bull for less than $500. She told her sister that if she could find one, she'd send a telegram to tell her to come in the truck to pick ...

The keys to success in life:

1. Don't tell everything to everybody.
2. If you are expecting any more, please refer to 1.

NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide.

Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

A husband and a wife walk into the mall...

The husbands spots a magical weighing scale which alongside your weight, tells you your future.

'Let's give it a go!' The husband said
The wife, disagreed because she never believed in such things.

The husband, decides to try it himself.

The machine displayed his future an...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

What did the English general say after a successful bombing raid on a city in southern France?

Be careful. At this point, they don't have much Toulouse.

When house hunting I look for a place where the people next door are successful at selling stolen items

Good fences make for good neighbors

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

Salesman

A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak ...

Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

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North Korean scientists report 50% success at turning shit into butter

Spreads fine, taste slightly off.

Two Brothers and the Priest

Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.


They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior. ...

How to be successful in two easy steps

1) Never tell anyone everything you know

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

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An American businessman goes to Japan for the meeting of his career.

He arrives a day early to prepare for the meeting, he tries some sushi and sake at a local restaurant. Feeling tempted to try more "local cuisine" he hires an escort for the evening. Night falls and he takes his escort up to his hotel room for some fun, he gives her all he's got and he knows she's l...

The Empire was finally successful with destroying The Force

All they had to do was vaccinate for midichlorians

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.


The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentence...

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it

then my illegal logging business is a success

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

Patients are the key to success.

If you a doctor.

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women

Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s

A successful sock business

Kai Fu had a very successful business selling clothing, but especially the company’s socks were very popular.

One day he met a wonderful woman named Jane King.

She got more involved in the business and it became more successful than ever.

Kai Fu was happy for the success of his ...

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

He Does What???

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope ...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

I thought I knew everyone I needed to know to be successful at my new job...

...turns out, I didn't know Jack.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 shots of tequila...

... The bartender looks toward the door, expecting to see 19 more folks walk through the door. That doesn't happen.

"C'mon, man! I don't have all day!' exclaims the customer.

The bartender dutifully pours out 20 shots of tequila. Just as he's pouring the last one, the customer begins s...

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Why do you think they call it a successful marriage?

It’s full of sucks and sex.

What do game companies do with their old successful games?

Post Mortem, most port em.

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

"Rain is merely a temporary obstacle in life, it's a metaphor of the inevitable downfall before success."

- Incy Wincy Spider

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

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Ladder to success

A guy is wandering through the woods on a trail he's been through many times before when he notices a ladder in the middle of the trail stretching up farther than he can see.

He's never seen this before so he says to himself "fuck it lets see where this goes"

He begins his acsent climb...

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The new ex convict to bartender training scheme was a success!

All the participants ended up behind bars.

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Ladder to success

A man died and went to heaven. As he entered through the pearly gates he saw a beautiful woman sitting under a tree. She smiled at him and said, "Come to my arms and make love to me". As the man happily approached her he saw a ladder going up through the skies.

"What is that?", the man asked....

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To be successful at relationships, be a dog.

Say little, listen a lot, and don't poop on the carpet

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Medical science has come a long way.

There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the foreskin from new born males and create eyelids for those born without ...

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

Do you guys wanna know what success looks like?

6s

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Salesmanship

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic ...

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Women with large breasts

Tend to be more successful than men with large breasts.

Modern times:- Success is when your "signature" turns into "autograph", In olden times Success is

Success is if your "murder" turns into "assassination".

A magazine editor interviews a billionaire about his success in life

Editor: "Sir, during your life, you made an outstanding fortune. How did you do it exactly?"

Billionaire: "I started a business of messenger pigeons"

Editor: "Pigeons that deliver mail. That's great! How many have you sold?"

Billionaire: "Just one. But she always came back."

How many successful jumps do you need to do to join the parachute club?

All of them.

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

My dad was a successful contractor.

He frequently contracted chlamydia.

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

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