Success is like pregnancy

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

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At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

Will glass coffins be a success???

Remains to be seen.

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

There are two rules for success in life:

1. Don't tell them everything you know.

All the people who say that 'success' comes before 'work' in a dictionary,

I guess that they've never heard of the recent youngest self-made billionaire.

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Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

What's the foot fetishist's secret to success?

Getting off on the right foot.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Many Valedictorians will begin their speech by telling what success means to them.

And why not? It’s a defining moment.

Success

A guy finds a strange cave entrance in the wilderness. Because curiousity's only hazardous to cats he walks in.

He sees a gorgeous woman inside. The woman lets her single-piece dress fall and says: "Take me or climb higher to success" pointing at the stairs carved from the stone behind her....

Success isn't always valued

The gastrointestinal system's success is a complete human waste.

What Is An Example Of A Failure And A Success At The Same Time?

Children

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

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Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

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Why was Viagra such a success?

It penetrated the market

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Success

Joe was showing his date what a successful and influential man he had become, and he really wanted his date to be impressed as she was a true 10.
"Sue, this resturant is the finest in the state. 3 Michelin stars, reservations booked solid for nine months, an icon. I built this up from a hotdog ...

An astronomer has realized an ancient society has been writing jokes all over Mars, Venus, and other celestial bodies...

The astronomer, getting a huge laugh out of them, decided to record them down. The astronomer kept looking into space, and he kept finding gems that he couldn't stop laughing at. One day, having recorded over 100 jokes, he decided to publish all of them in a book, because the jokes were so funny and...

After the stunning success of the most recent Ghostbusters movie it is herein announced that....

....the next Superwomen will be played by a man.

Signed

Marvel Comics

Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work?

Because in Soviet Russia you don’t make jokes, jokes make you.

In 1972, American singer/songwriter, Bill Withers, originally wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan. In the musical, Hook has become very discouraged by his lack of success in defeating Peter and the Lost Boys, so his right hand man sings to him and offers a shoulder to hold on to...

Lean on Smee.

If the opening night of my marijuana-smoked beef restaurant isn’t a success, I could lose everything.

The steaks are so high.

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

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The Ladder To Success

A man dies and wakes up in heaven. After he walks through the pearly gates, he finds a ladder going to another floor. He climbs up, and finds an ugly looking woman. The woman goes, “fuck me, or climb the ladder to success.” The man, turned off by the woman’s looks, continues up the ladder.

H...

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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

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Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100. Everyone is happy and they all praise John for being a great guy. Next year he dos the same, all villagers happy again. The thi...

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Three fathers are discussing their son's success.

The first one says "My son started off with very little money, but he is a genius in the stock markets, and became rich just like that! Recently he even bought a friend of his a new Ferrari."

The second one says "That's nothing! My boy started working as a cleaner in a large company, and over...

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

I found a noose online that claimed to have a 100% success rate

They must have been right because there were no customer reviews

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The definition of success is different for different ages

5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night

12 years old-Having a lot friends

16 years old-Being able to drive

20 years old-Having a lot of sex

34 years old-Having a lot of money

54 years old-Having a lot of sex

65 years old-Being able to drive

70 ye...

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A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

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Being successful is like getting pregnant..

..Everyone will come to congratulate you but no one dares to ask how hard and how many times you were fucked.

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Success And Shit ...

Success Is Like The Smell Of Shit, It Can Only Be Tolerated If It Is Yours .
^_^

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Climb the ladder to success!

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No way!, thought the m...

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climb the ladder to success

A woman who is down on her luck was walking down a street when she came across a rusty ladder on the side of a building with a sign saying, "climb the ladder to success!" Thinking that she's got nothing to lose, she climbs the ladder, only to find a naked man standing there, with his dick out. The w...

I don't know about the key to SUCCESS.

But the key to EXCESS can be found in my fridge.

After the success of iPhone, iPad,... Apple has released a new device for Asian people

They call it iOpener.

Disclaimer: Chill, guys. I myself am 100% Asian and I found this joke funny. It's in /r/Jokes for a reason. Just have a good time instead.

I'm going to cash in on the success of Avengers: Infinity War by opening a comics themed sandwich shop.

It'll be called *Soup or Hero*

Steps to success:

1. Predict the end of the world.
2. Write a book about it.
3. Prophet?

"The lobotomy was a success!"

Tom said absentmindedly.

Donald Trump goes to an elementary school to show off his intelligence and success.

The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.

Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:

“What would be a tragedy, kids?”

A bespect...

I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes

He could call his first brand Elon’s musk

Me: The first step to success is denial.

Other person: No it's not.

Me: I'm so proud of you.

Why is success in the shaving industry so difficult?

Razor thin margins.

What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

The Delete Key

Russian census ended with success

there were still people to count!

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Always choose success.

A man is walking down the street one day and comes across a ladder reaching to the heavens. His curiosity makes him climb it. He comes across the first cloud and laying on it is a beautiful and sexily dressed woman who gives him a choice.
"You can either take me right now or climb the ladder to ...

Whenever I find the key to success,

someone changes the lock.

A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."

The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man re...

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

My teacher once told me that success never comes before work...

I'll definitely pay him a visit after I make a fortune selling dictionaries.

My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film"

So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."

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A man dies at a young age and goes to heaven.

His only problem with the life he had was that he wasn't successful. Upon reaching the pearly gates, he was met by a beautiful young woman.

"You and I can have a great time in there, or you can climb the ladder to success." The man simply couldn't let the offer pass by. He placed a rock on hi...

It appears international women's day was a HUGE success.

Women from all over the US demonstrated their femininity by not making up their minds about whether they wanted to celebrate it or not.

The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, choose...

Jesus' crucifixion was a success...

They totally nailed it!

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Success is like a clitoris.

I can't seem to find it.

Key to success in life

One day a young man, confused and directionless in life, was walking in a park.

He sees a well-dressed and well-to-do old man sitting on a bench, feeding the birds and enjoying the scenery. He walks up to him and says, "Sir, you seem to have done well for yourself in life, do you mind telling...

There are three rockstars on a plane

There are three rockstars on a plane. To celebrate the success of their recent tour they each decided to throw something out of the plane. The first throws a watermelon, the second throws yogurt, and the third throws a bomb. When they land they decide to go on a walk. The come across a boy in his ya...

I was climbing the ladder to success

Then a guy poked his head out of a window and said "Hi, I'm Cess!"

Thanks Spotify for all the study playlists

They were instrumental in my success

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The ladder to success

A man drunkly stumbles out of a bar and on the way to his car, encounters a ladder reaching up to the clouds. There is a voice coming from high up in the clouds, “climb the ladder to success”. The man looks up and starts climbing. After reaching a low floating cloud, he sees a woman, she has wart...

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

Try this at the bars, guaranteed 18% success rate:

You: Do you have a permit to carry that?

Her: Carry what?

You: DAT ASS! Then issue a citation with your phone # on it.

Doctor: I'm glad to say the ear operation was a success

Patient: WHAT

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

OC science joke

There was a young man who was fed up with all the bias in news networks everywhere and vowed to make his own set of news channels that would be void of any and all bias. As he was not a wealthy man he had to find ways cut costs in making his network. He managed to make an odd deal with all his suppl...

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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The Ladder to success

A man is walking down the street and he comes across a ladder that reaches all the way up to the clouds. On the ladder there is a note that only says "Ladder To Success". He stares at it in bewilderment but decides to give it a shot. After climbing for hours he finally reaches the clouds. A morbidly...

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I went into a library to get a book on suicide

after searching for a while with no success I asked the librarian if I could take out a book on suicide. She told me "fuck off you wont bring it back "

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