I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

Success is like pregnancy

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

With Ford v Ferrari being so successful

Chevy has decided to come out with their own movie. Total Recall

If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.

My parents used to tell me that joke all the time.

Still remember it to this day.

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

Just started using Tinder and my success rate is amazing!

Apparently I am completely unmatched.

Did you hear about the successful oncologist who is always laughing?

He has a great sense of tumor.

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At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success means having friends

At age 17, success means having a driver's licence

At age 25, success means having sex

At age 35, success means having money

At age 45, success means having money

At age 55, success means having sex

At age 65, success ...

I started a successful boat-building business in the attic of my house.

Sails are going through the roof!

There are two steps to success

1. Never reveal everything.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

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I decided to quit masturbating and so far it's been a success.

It's just been really hard.

To be a successful stalker

You must do the following :-)

The 2 steps to success in life

1.Never tell anyone your biggest secret

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

To be successful in life, you have to pull yourself up by your shoelaces!

Unfortunately, I’m from Kentucky

What did the millennial say after they successfully started the campfire?

That's lit

So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say

"You're the team of the crop"

I successfully stole a case of toilet paper

Got off Scott free

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

My professor just told me that rereading other peoples material is the key to success

I guess thats why there are 17.1M people on /r/Jokes

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

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What do you call a successful reddit virgin?

Elon Musk

Behind every successful man is a woman

Chasing him.
;)

So, after reading a bunch of “self-help” books, I’ve FINALLY found the secret to financial success!!

I think I’m going to write a self-help book!

Gorgeous women have trouble successfully shoplifting

Because everyone in the store is trying to check them out.

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property.

The police forced the fryers to close down their stall located just outside the mansion, where they had been selling flowers.

Said one fryer, "well if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist fryers."

I knew a successful businessman who decided to shut down everything and run a funeral parlor.

It was quite the undertaking.

I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

Steve Jobs had a better and more successful business than Trump. But would he have been a better President as well?

Well, that's like comparing Apples with Oranges.

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

What is the key to becoming a successful musician?

Work hard, try not to party too much, and make certain you eat lots and lots of beats!!

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

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Four men went golfing together one day...

Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second ma...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Chernobyl was a great success.

It achieved the Five Year Plan goal of energy generation... in 0.001 nanoseconds.

Success

A guy finds a strange cave entrance in the wilderness. Because curiousity's only hazardous to cats he walks in.

He sees a gorgeous woman inside. The woman lets her single-piece dress fall and says: "Take me or climb higher to success" pointing at the stairs carved from the stone behind her....

If Bible was so successful..

why is there no Bible 2?

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The secret to success in the corporate world

A young professional parks his battered old car outside his office one morning. Stepping out, he sees the CEO sweeping into the car park in his brand new, sparkling, top of the range Mercedes S Class.

Starstruck, and knowing this company has an ethos of openness which means everyone is appro...

Secret of a successful marriage!

An old man married for 52 years was asked by his neighbor about the secret for his successful marriage.

The old man stated that on the night of his marriage, he and his newly wed bride had decided that if one of them ever got angry with the other, they would settle the issue peacefully.
...

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.”

The cowboy ju...

All the people who say that 'success' comes before 'work' in a dictionary,

I guess that they've never heard of the recent youngest self-made billionaire.

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

What did the Italian say when he tested his first successful skunk perfume on a volunteer?

You reek-uh!

OC- as far as I know

They key to being successful and happy is in two steps.

1) Don't tell everyone everything you know.


2)

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What do you call ejaculate that successfully impregnates a women?

The mother load.

How can you tell if a farmer is successful?

If he is out standing in his field.

Why was the scarecrow a successful neurosurgeon?

He was out-standing in his field.

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A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

A man is returning to the vet to see if a surgery was successful.

The vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately, we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

Many Valedictorians will begin their speech by telling what success means to them.

And why not? It’s a defining moment.

My Wife had successful eye surgery

Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

A man was promised success by the owner of a giant beanstalk.

The man, who was desperate for a break in life, accepted. He began to climb the beanstalk, after 30 minutes of climbing, he came to a door. Upon opening the door he was greeted by a beautiful blonde woman, who said "you can stay with me and do whatever you like, or continue the climb to success." Th...

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A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the ...

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

After a long engagement,

Peter and his wife, Mary had taken the step of matrimony.

One day, Peter and Mary sat down to discuss what traits they wanted their baby to have. After a long discussion, the couple decided that to be successful in life, their baby must be courteous to others and be the most polite person in...

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After months of trying, I was finally successful in giving my girlfriend an orgasm that lasted a full five minutes last night...

I guess it was a long time coming

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Did you hear about the scientists that successfully cross bred a duck with a golden retriever?

The results were good, but she was a foul bitch.

All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.

Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.

Buy the dip.

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Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

What's the foot fetishist's secret to success?

Getting off on the right foot.

Chemist 1 and Chemist 2 walk into a bar

A waiter comes round and asks them what they would like

Chemist 1: I’ll have some H20 please

Chemist 2: I’ll have some h20 too

Chemist one smiles, knowing his assasination was a success

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

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Interviewer:"What is the first thing that you do in the morning which,according to you,has made you so successful?"

Famous person:"The snooze button"

Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first. "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."


An electrical engineer chimes in. "Are you kidding me? Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a c...

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*NSFW* A successful business man flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. 
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his si...

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Why was Viagra such a success?

It penetrated the market

I’m very successful but I have my humble upbringing to thank

For example my father was just a blue collar road worker...but he really paved the way

A successful man is one who...

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Why hasn't dunkin donuts been successful in Ireland?

Because it isn't drunkin donuts.

I shouted into the canyon in hopes of hearing my echo.

It was a resounding success.

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

MrBeast sure is good at planting seeds

Last time I saw someone spread their seed that successfully was when Ghengis Khan was around.

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I had a friend that was born without eyelids, his doctor used the foreskin from his circumcision to make him some.

The surgery was a great success, he's just a little cock eyed.

My friend and I had a contest to see who could successfully use the pullout method of contraception the most.

He was winning but then I made a comeback.

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

PETA is a successful investor

in the laughing stock market.

My son saved me by donating his leg.

Kneedless to say, the kid knee transplant was a success.

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

This year for Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing I can imagine

Myself, but more successful

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Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

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The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump.

It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.

One day while walking down the street, a highly successful executive was tragically hit by a bus and died.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure...

A bible salesman won top sales award

But people are confused because he is famously known for being so timid that when he speaks, he stutters. So when the award was announced and the salesman is invited to the stage, everybody wants to hear what this man says.

After handshaking the announcer, the man hesitantly approach the micr...

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal cords in the lab

The results speak for themselves.

Three people die and go to Heaven.

When they arrive, Saint Peter tells them, "We have one rule here. It's fairly simple: don't step on the ducks."

The three guys enter Heaven, and the first thing they see is that Heaven is *OVERFLOWING* with ducks. It is literally impossible to not step on a duck. Despite this, they try their ...

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