Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.

Sometimes I take it for granite.

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

Fecal implant success rate...

One terd

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Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Everybody says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked before you got there. 

The keys to success in life:

1. Don't tell everything to everybody.
2. If you are expecting any more, please refer to 1.

The key to successful relationships is being earnest and frank...

... so when I'm with my wife in Washington D.C., I'm Earnest, and with my girlfriend in Baltimore, I'm Frank.

The secret to success

There are all sorts of tips for a successful life but I have found the one guaranteed to bring you success and wealth.

To truly be successful it is important to only work half days.

And the best part of it? What makes this such a great plan? It’s that it doesn’t matter which 12 hours y...

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

What did the English general say after a successful bombing raid on a city in southern France?

Be careful. At this point, they don't have much Toulouse.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

A successful sock business

Kai Fu had a very successful business selling clothing, but especially the company’s socks were very popular.

One day he met a wonderful woman named Jane King.

She got more involved in the business and it became more successful than ever.

Kai Fu was happy for the success of his ...

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?

Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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North Korean scientists report 50% success at turning shit into butter

Spreads fine, taste slightly off.

Patients are the key to success.

If you a doctor.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

I thought I knew everyone I needed to know to be successful at my new job...

...turns out, I didn't know Jack.

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Why do you think they call it a successful marriage?

It’s full of sucks and sex.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

How to be successful in two easy steps

1) Never tell anyone everything you know

What do game companies do with their old successful games?

Post Mortem, most port em.

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After seeing Machine Gun Kelly’s success switching genres, Korn has decided to put out a new experimental album

It will be called PopKorn

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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When it comes to finding incest porn on the internet

I've had relative success

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women

Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s

My dad was a successful contractor.

He frequently contracted chlamydia.

"Rain is merely a temporary obstacle in life, it's a metaphor of the inevitable downfall before success."

- Incy Wincy Spider

A magazine editor interviews a billionaire about his success in life

Editor: "Sir, during your life, you made an outstanding fortune. How did you do it exactly?"

Billionaire: "I started a business of messenger pigeons"

Editor: "Pigeons that deliver mail. That's great! How many have you sold?"

Billionaire: "Just one. But she always came back."

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

How many successful jumps do you need to do to join the parachute club?

All of them.

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The new ex convict to bartender training scheme was a success!

All the participants ended up behind bars.

I recently pursued my dream career of becoming a very successful plagiarizer.

I tried, but I didn't make it.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

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Two whales.. John and Jenny are swimming in the ocean.

John is mourning the recent loss of his father who was killed by a whale fishing boat.

A few days later John and Jenny come across an similar looking Boat... with excitement John realizes that it’s the fishing boat that killed his father ... he is seeking revenge for the death of his father!...

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To be successful at relationships, be a dog.

Say little, listen a lot, and don't poop on the carpet

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves

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Ladder to success

A guy is wandering through the woods on a trail he's been through many times before when he notices a ladder in the middle of the trail stretching up farther than he can see.

He's never seen this before so he says to himself "fuck it lets see where this goes"

He begins his acsent climb...

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

BREAKING NEWS: The French have successfully developed a COVID vaccine

But it's refusing to work

I'm writing an Italian opera about pasta. Hopefully it's successful.

Otherwise I might have to rigatoni.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

Man in a movie theater

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if...

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

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Ladder to success

A man died and went to heaven. As he entered through the pearly gates he saw a beautiful woman sitting under a tree. She smiled at him and said, "Come to my arms and make love to me". As the man happily approached her he saw a ladder going up through the skies.

"What is that?", the man asked....

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

Three men are selling Bibles

Three men go out selling Bibles to raise money for their church.
At the end of the day, the three meet up to discuss their success.
Bob goes first and was proud to say that he sold 5 Bibles and made $50 for the church.
Sam goes next and was pleased to say that he sold 7 Bibles and made $...

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Modern times:- Success is when your "signature" turns into "autograph", In olden times Success is

Success is if your "murder" turns into "assassination".

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were screwed."

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

Do you guys wanna know what success looks like?

6s

My Dreams

I've given up on so much anti-smoking campaigns are jealous of my success

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A white guy at a public toilet....

A 34 year old white man goes to a public toilet to piss. As he is about to do his business, he sees a beam next to him but no person. He looks around and sees a black man with an enormously large penis that is about 20 cm behind him. The white man shyly addresses the black man: "Is it really true wh...

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

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Three very successful businessmen were sitting in a restaurant and discussed about their sons

First businessman goes to say "my son finished Oxford University, now he has his own company, he's rich and for his best friend's birthday he got him a brand new Lamborghini"


"Wow that's very impressive" they all agree


Second one says "my son, my pride and joy, he opened his ow...

A man decides to raise chickens.

So he drives to the next farm and buys 50 chicks there.

After a month the man goes to the farmer again and buys another 50 chicks.

When the man shows up at the farmer again in the third month, the farmer asks him whether the chicken rearing is successful or not.

The man just shr...

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

Want to be a successful dad...

Keep mum.

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

A successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"Welcome to the family!" said the businessman. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50% partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operation."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I se...

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

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Penis is a true Friend indeed.

A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times.

A faithful friend is like a condom , he protects you from all harm.

A loving friend is like a vagina, she accommodates you fully despite the size of yo...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

The Ungent family owns a successful soap business

They recently created a brand new soap to release to their customers, and all things went well until it became time to name their soap.

“It should be named after the scent,” one declared.

“No, no, no,” another corrected, “it has to be after our family name.”

“Why can’t we just c...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring t...

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

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A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

A dog became a successful lawyer, but has a rivalry with an attorney. One day, the attorney won and the judge threw out the case.

The dog said, "Don't worry, I brought it back to him."

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Why wasn’t the movie Five Feet Apart (2019) more successful?

It was a year early and a foot short.

Did I ever tell you about the time I decided to start my own railroad company?

It never got off the ground.

It was the most success I ever had!

How I became a successful businessman

When I was just about 21 with my shoes worn through and nothing to wear but the one set of clothes I stood up in, I spent my last nickel on an apple from the barrow in the poor end of town, and I walked up to the rich end of town, polishing the apple as I went, until I found someone to buy it from m...

If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.

My parents used to tell me that joke all the time.

Still remember it to this day.

Kite Flying

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.


All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, mut...

Monday Science

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

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So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor

However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have sex with his patients. One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too". The other voice in his head says "But Dave, you're...

Did you know that Vlad the Impaler was a very successful racing instructor?

He brought thousands into the pole position.

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

Of all the dating sites I've tried, I found the most success on Google.

I just typed in "single girls" and got 49 million matches!

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

An HR manager dies...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seem...

What did the Pope say to the heretic who successfully lobbied to be buried on hallowed ground?

"What we have here is a failure to excommunicate!"

When MLB starts back up, I will have successfully completed my goal...

To be banned from all 30 ballparks.

A dying wish

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I ...

What is it called if you fail to successfully perform the Heimlich maneuver?

Two people choking.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

With Ford v Ferrari being so successful

Chevy has decided to come out with their own movie. Total Recall

You do the Math

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

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How did Pharaoh successfully enslave the Jews?

He created a pyramid scheme

How i made 200k from home during lockdown

So just thought I'd share with you guys my success story, I was made redundant back in March. So there I was 30 years old and not a clue what was going to happen, then out of nowhere I had an opportunity to sell Avon, so there I was 30 years old, male, selling Avon... first month goes by and I make ...

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

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