What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

Joke I heard from a 15 year old in high school. (He has some learning disabilities and was completely serious about this joke being funny)

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Cheese-it.

Cheese-it who?

Cheese outta here!

He then proceeds to giggle.

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

I've always wanted to be a train engineer. I spent 15 years in engineering school, 10 years learning about train history, and 5 years learning how to operate a train.

I really thought I would've been trained by now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two lads are learning to cuss

Two brothers are learning to cuss and they decide they need practice. Their conversation goes something like this...

Older bro: tomorrow when we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say “hell” and you’re gonna say “ass”

Younger bro: alrighty!

The next day when the boys go downs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

What do you call a blonde at an institution of higher learning?

A visitor

I'm learning how to make clown shoes...

It's no small feat.

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.

So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...

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So that he could teach himself CPR

​

Credit: Anthony Jeselnik

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

A boy is sitting in class learning about logarithms

The teacher asks the class, "how do we change bases?"

The boy excitedly raises his hand and says, "ask her nicely"

I've been learning Chinese for a long time...

Since I was ni hou to a grasshopper

What did the student say after learning all the symbols on the periodic table?

“Fluorine-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium this! Never again!”

did you ever here about Einstein’s learning disabled nephew?

You could say he had a special relative.

Learning how to pick locks was the best career decision of my life...

It opened so many new doors for me.

We were learning about superlatives in class,

They’re the worst.

In class today, the kids were learning how to draw the letter P.

"Ok class, today I'm going to teach you how to draw the letter P."

*Teacher draws the letter P on the white board*

"Now you try."

*All the kids try to draw the letter P*

The teacher notices one kid in the back of the class shaking after drawing it.

"Very good class...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex is somewhat like learning to fix a car

Some people learn it with their dad in the garage.

Little Johnny is learning math in Mrs. Smith’s 4 grade class...

Mrs Smith asks little Johnny,

“If there are 5 pigeons on a fence and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?”

“None, as the rest would fly away!”

“No little Johnny, there would be 4, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny then got peeved so he asked Mrs. Smith,
<...

I've been learning about the Dunning-Kruger Effect lately.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'm an expert in it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being sexist is easy. Learning to be respectful takes a long commitment and solid effort.

That's what she said.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

A man bought a quick learning parrot...

... and while driving home from the pet store, he was talking on the phone. "SHUT UP!" he yelled into the phone and hung up.

A few days later he was watching a boxing match on TV and a guy in the stands yelled; "HIT HIM ON THE NOSE!"

The day after, the man was looking at horse racing f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who knew that learning Morse Code would change my life forever?

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

What's worse than learning that your parents are swingers?

Coming upon them at a party.

I asked my father what it was like learning Braille, but he didn't want to tell me.

I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject.

I don't always make jokes about children learning math

But when I do; I'd make sure they count

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?

He was jack off all trades.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny’s class is learning about good sleeping habits.

The teacher asks the students to talk about how they can improve their sleep.

Cindy raises her hand and says “I have a lot of nightmares so I often don’t get a good sleep.” The teacher asks “and what can you do to improve that?” Cindy replies “I can stop reading scary stories before bed - th...

I’ve been learning how to juggle.

No matter how much I practice, I don’t seem to be getting any better. It keeps me up at night tossing and turning.

When learning how to fly

its important to maintain a positive altitude.

Two mexican children are learning how to count in english

The first one asks: "What was it that comes after twenty?

The second one absentmindedly replies: "What?"

To which the first one angrily responds: "Twenty, Juan!"

What do you call a learning environment that specialises in teaching nuts?

m**acadamia**

Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased

loads

After learning about Global Warning, I decided to go green

and start recycling on r/jokes

Rule #1 for learning english

Their our know rules!

I remember learning about Pavlov’s law in psychology class and thinking “those stupid dogs...”

Then the bell rang and we all went to lunch

What is the hardest part about learning to ride a bike?

The Pavement.

A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What would you like to drink?"

The algorithm replies, "What's everyone else having?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

I had a hard time learning to read the word "yoyo" in Braille.

I can't put my finger on y...

Learning Russian is difficult

You really have to Putin the effort and can’t be Stalin everyday

Never Stop Learning

My Grandpa always told me to never stop learning no matter how old you get. In fact he was learning new things right up until the day he died. On that very day, he learned he was allergic to peanuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Learning new curse words

Little Sally and Jonnie were getting ready for bed one night when Jonnie asked Sally, “hey, did you learn any new curse words today?” Sally replies, “yes, I sure did! Ass!”

Jonnie says “oh that’s so cool! I learned a new one too... Damn!”

“That’s so cool!” Says Sally. Let’s use them...

My daughter is so proud of learning new words, she thinks she's a Russian autocrat....

She said,

"Daddy, I'm pootin"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

We made learning so much easier for the younger generation.

They now have schools with smart devices, digital textbooks, and online courses.

We even reduced the planets down to eight.

Did you hear about the schoolkid who went blind learning about the alphabet?

He never got to C.

I've started learning to cook . . .

I thought I could make use of all the thyme on my hands.

In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

I am learning so much from my children.

As every great man learns from his mistakes.

What's worst about learning you have Alzheimer's?

It doesn't just happen once

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Jewish person learning self defense?

Jew Jitsu

One Day, All the Children in Ms. Jennifer's Class Were Learning About Politics

Ms. Jennifer began the lesson, "We'll start with the liberal party. Liberals believe in equality for all and that everything should be fair."

Now, this sounded pretty grand to all the first graders, so when Ms. Jennifer asked, "Which of you are Liberals like me?" The result was nearly unanimo...

A young was boy learning to count and said the wrong number

He didn't mean two

Why couldn't the pirate finish learning the alphabet?

He got lost at sea

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.

She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.

He asked: Why are periods so important?

The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written langu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Having anal sex is like learning to ride a bike...

It's a little scary at first, but once your dad lets go you really start to enjoy it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boys learning to cuss

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say some...

Learning to the play the guitar is rather simple.

You don't have to fret about it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been learning from porn for several years now...

After all this studying I have to be great at Buffering by now.

I've started learning Arabic

So I know when to start running.

I've been thinking about learning sign language.

I've heard it's pretty handy.

What kind of disease can you get from learning?

Training aids.

The President-Elect has recently begun learning how to play bridge with the help of master bridge players. it turns out, the President-Elect's plays are far superior to those of his peers. In other words...

Trump's trumps trump Trump's trumps' trumps.

Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity...

No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

Things we should be learning from dogs:

1) Love
2) Trust
3) Loyalty

What we learnt: POSITION

I'm learning how to play the neurotic guitar.

It's a lot like an acoustic guitar but it's a little more high strung.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A trainee priest is learning how to take confession

A trainee priest is learning how to take confession. The senior priest tells him "I'll be outside here if you need guidance on what punishments to give"

A little old lady comes in and says "Forgive me father, i took the lords name in vain" The junior priest sticks his head out of the confessi...

Learning English

So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.

Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.

Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace.

A kindergarten class was learning their ABCs

One kindergartener raises his hand and asks the teacher if he can go to the bathroom.
"You can go to the bathroom if you say your ABCs" the teacher replies.
"Abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz"
"Where's the P?"
"Running down my leg"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm learning about imaginary numbers...

I can finally plot my sex life.

Little Johnny is in the classroom, learning how to add

"How much is two plus two, Johnny?" asks the teacher.

Johnny hesitates, looks at his hand, and starts counting with his fingers: "One, two, three,
four!" he exclaims.

"No, no. Johnny," says the teacher. "You can't use your hands. You have to count in your head. So, how much is four ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Learning to Swear

Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide one evening that they are getting older, and it's time they learned to swear. The older brother says that he will work on "Damn" and the younger brother agrees to refine his usage of "Ass".

The next morning, the brothers come down the stairs and their mother asks...

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