In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

What do you call a blonde at an institution of higher learning?

A visitor

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

I've been learning Chinese for a long time...

Since I was ni hou to a grasshopper

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

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Sex is somewhat like learning to fix a car

Some people learn it with their dad in the garage.

In class today, the kids were learning how to draw the letter P.

"Ok class, today I'm going to teach you how to draw the letter P."

*Teacher draws the letter P on the white board*

"Now you try."

*All the kids try to draw the letter P*

The teacher notices one kid in the back of the class shaking after drawing it.

"Very good class...

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

A boy is sitting in class learning about logarithms

The teacher asks the class, "how do we change bases?"

The boy excitedly raises his hand and says, "ask her nicely"

What did the student say after learning all the symbols on the periodic table?

“Fluorine-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium this! Never again!”

You're in math class learning about quadratics.

You: The y-intercept is (8,0) right?

Student 2: Parabobly.

did you ever here about Einstein’s learning disabled nephew?

You could say he had a special relative.

I'm learning how to make clown shoes...

It's no small feat.

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

I've been learning about the Dunning-Kruger Effect lately.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'm an expert in it.

What's worse than learning that your parents are swingers?

Coming upon them at a party.

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Being sexist is easy. Learning to be respectful takes a long commitment and solid effort.

That's what she said.

Learning how to pick locks was the best career decision of my life...

It opened so many new doors for me.

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Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

We were learning about superlatives in class,

They’re the worst.

Little Johnny is learning math in Mrs. Smith’s 4 grade class...

Mrs Smith asks little Johnny,

“If there are 5 pigeons on a fence and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?”

“None, as the rest would fly away!”

“No little Johnny, there would be 4, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny then got peeved so he asked Mrs. Smith,
<...

What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

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Learning grammar the best way

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Sarah immediately waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"

Miss Rogers: "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?...

What do you call a learning environment that specialises in teaching nuts?

m**acadamia**

I don't always make jokes about children learning math

But when I do; I'd make sure they count

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Who knew that learning Morse Code would change my life forever?

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

I was having trouble learning echolocation

And then it clicked.

I’ve been learning how to juggle.

No matter how much I practice, I don’t seem to be getting any better. It keeps me up at night tossing and turning.

I asked my father what it was like learning Braille, but he didn't want to tell me.

I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject.

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Little Johnny’s class is learning about good sleeping habits.

The teacher asks the students to talk about how they can improve their sleep.

Cindy raises her hand and says “I have a lot of nightmares so I often don’t get a good sleep.” The teacher asks “and what can you do to improve that?” Cindy replies “I can stop reading scary stories before bed - th...

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Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?

He was jack off all trades.

When learning how to fly

its important to maintain a positive altitude.

Two mexican children are learning how to count in english

The first one asks: "What was it that comes after twenty?

The second one absentmindedly replies: "What?"

To which the first one angrily responds: "Twenty, Juan!"

After learning about Global Warning, I decided to go green

and start recycling on r/jokes

Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased

loads

I remember learning about Pavlov’s law in psychology class and thinking “those stupid dogs...”

Then the bell rang and we all went to lunch

What is the hardest part about learning to ride a bike?

The Pavement.

Rule #1 for learning english

Their our know rules!

A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar.

The waiter asks: "What'll you have?", the algorithm responds: "What everyone else is having."

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

I had a hard time learning to read the word "yoyo" in Braille.

I can't put my finger on y...

Never Stop Learning

My Grandpa always told me to never stop learning no matter how old you get. In fact he was learning new things right up until the day he died. On that very day, he learned he was allergic to peanuts.

Learning Russian is difficult

You really have to Putin the effort and can’t be Stalin everyday

I've started learning to cook . . .

I thought I could make use of all the thyme on my hands.

My daughter is so proud of learning new words, she thinks she's a Russian autocrat....

She said,

"Daddy, I'm pootin"

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Learning new curse words

Little Sally and Jonnie were getting ready for bed one night when Jonnie asked Sally, “hey, did you learn any new curse words today?” Sally replies, “yes, I sure did! Ass!”

Jonnie says “oh that’s so cool! I learned a new one too... Damn!”

“That’s so cool!” Says Sally. Let’s use them...

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I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

Did you hear about the schoolkid who went blind learning about the alphabet?

He never got to C.

What's worst about learning you have Alzheimer's?

It doesn't just happen once

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What do you call a Jewish person learning self defense?

Jew Jitsu

I am learning so much from my children.

As every great man learns from his mistakes.

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.

She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.

He asked: Why are periods so important?

The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written langu...

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

A young was boy learning to count and said the wrong number

He didn't mean two

One Day, All the Children in Ms. Jennifer's Class Were Learning About Politics

Ms. Jennifer began the lesson, "We'll start with the liberal party. Liberals believe in equality for all and that everything should be fair."

Now, this sounded pretty grand to all the first graders, so when Ms. Jennifer asked, "Which of you are Liberals like me?" The result was nearly unanimo...

Learning to the play the guitar is rather simple.

You don't have to fret about it.

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Having anal sex is like learning to ride a bike...

It's a little scary at first, but once your dad lets go you really start to enjoy it.

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Boys learning to cuss

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say some...

Learning to knit is really hard.

The details are really nitty gritty.

Why couldn't the pirate finish learning the alphabet?

He got lost at sea

I've started learning Arabic

So I know when to start running.

What kind of disease can you get from learning?

Training aids.

I've been thinking about learning sign language.

I've heard it's pretty handy.

The President-Elect has recently begun learning how to play bridge with the help of master bridge players. it turns out, the President-Elect's plays are far superior to those of his peers. In other words...

Trump's trumps trump Trump's trumps' trumps.

Learning English

So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.

Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.

Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace.

Things we should be learning from dogs:

1) Love
2) Trust
3) Loyalty

What we learnt: POSITION

I'm learning how to play the neurotic guitar.

It's a lot like an acoustic guitar but it's a little more high strung.

When I was learning to drive, my parents told me I should never be on a highway where the flow of traffic was going more that 80mph.

Then I moved to Florida.

Did you hear about the banker who's also learning chemistry?

He's got a lot of compound interest.

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A trainee priest is learning how to take confession

A trainee priest is learning how to take confession. The senior priest tells him "I'll be outside here if you need guidance on what punishments to give"

A little old lady comes in and says "Forgive me father, i took the lords name in vain" The junior priest sticks his head out of the confessi...

Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity...

No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.

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I'm learning about imaginary numbers...

I can finally plot my sex life.

Little Johnny is in the classroom, learning how to add

"How much is two plus two, Johnny?" asks the teacher.

Johnny hesitates, looks at his hand, and starts counting with his fingers: "One, two, three,
four!" he exclaims.

"No, no. Johnny," says the teacher. "You can't use your hands. You have to count in your head. So, how much is four ...

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Learning to Swear

Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide one evening that they are getting older, and it's time they learned to swear. The older brother says that he will work on "Damn" and the younger brother agrees to refine his usage of "Ass".

The next morning, the brothers come down the stairs and their mother asks...

St. Peter decides he wants a day off from the Pearly Gates, so he asks Jesus to fill in for him.

“Your job is simple,” says St. Peter. “Whenever someone approaches the gates, you ask them about their accomplishments in life. If their answer satisfies you, you let them in to Heaven. If not, they get sent to Hell.” Jesus thinks this sounds simple enough, and he agrees.

Before too long, a m...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

How is learning to ride a bicycle and 9/11 alike?

Because you never forget!

John learning Math

Teacher was teaching math to 5 yr old John.

Teacher: What is 5 - 5?


John: *Keeps Quiet*


Teacher: If you have 5 burgers and I take 5 burgers from you, what will you be left with?


John: French Fries.

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Learning to play the bass

Little Bobby Tavoli came to his father one day and said, "Father, I want to learn how to play the bass."

Having been burned before when Little Bobby decided he wanted to learn something and then quit, Papa Tavoli replied, "That's fine Little Bobby, but you have to stick to it this time. After...

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What do you call a woman who obsesses over learning about sex?

An info-maniac.