The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I hav...

Between wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?

teacher : If you are offered wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?

student : wealth

teacher: No. That's a bad answer. I will choose wisdom .

students: that's ok sir. We have to choose what we don't have.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

The Driver has Solomon's Wisdom

Two women in a bus were fighting bitterly over the last seat available.

The conductor already tried to intervene but to no avail. So the driver shouted, "Let the ugly one take the seat!"

Both women stood for the rest of the journey.

Fishing words of wisdom:

If you're going to go fishing be certain that if you ask a Baptist to be your fishing partner, you ask that two Baptists go fishing with you.

Because if you only ask one....He'll drink all of your beer.

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Experience and wisdom can't be beaten

Due to his owner's negligence, an old dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa.

Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. ...

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

Serial killer words of wisdom?

Never criticize a victim until you’ve walked a mile in their skin...

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Wisdom in age

1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional...

I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled out

I’m going to fail so many perception checks without them :(

What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is

not putting it in a fruit salad.

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

I asked my dad for some words of wisdom...

He said I can’t, I got those taken out years ago. (True story)

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With age, you gain wisdom.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. She even kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the check out and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look...

Catholic Wisdom

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whis...

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

Why didn't the dentist let Jack Nicholson keep his extracted wisdom teeth?

He can't HANDLE the tooth!

More wisdom from my coworker...

ARMY = Ain't Ready for the Marines Yet

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I've never seen this here, and it's long and gross.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

Italian wisdom

Eat spaghetti to forgetti your regretti.

Good Trade !

I remember once when I was driving home from one of my business trips through Northern Arizona, when I saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, I stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he'd would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, ...

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How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out?

A molar mass.

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

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A Muslim boy once asked his father: "why is it that Jews can't work on Saturday, Christians can't work on Sunday, but Muslims work on their holy day Friday?"

The dad looked down at his son and said, "God didn't need to force us to take a break because in His infinite wisdom He knew we'd never work that much to begin with."

(I'm Muslim).

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

100% True Story - Funniest Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Not long after my younger son was born I left the Army and, not having a new job to go to and my wife having a great job, I looked after the house and my two boys for some years.

When my older son started school, we would walk home together and discuss what he'd learned and talk about life. ...

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A man is at the urinal when the Dalai Lama walks in and stands next to him.

The man is shocked. He then proceeds to ask, "Oh Your Holiness, may I ask of your wisdom?", the Dalai Lama replies, "Yes my son, you need to look down."

Taken aback, the man asks, "So you mean I need to look deep down into my being?", the Dalai Lama replies, "No my son, you need to look down ...

Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just ...

With age comes wisdom...

A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up.'

He...

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With age comes wisdom.

All the guys were at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Leon , because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Leon and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess...

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I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

Why could the god of thunder not speak well after he got his wisdom teeth pulled...

Because he was too Thor.

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A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it."

"And forget the present, I didn't get you one."

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A wanderer is walking in a desert...

Under that hellish heat, he stumbled upon a man claiming to be a sage, lying down all spread out and with his dick hard. The sage kept looking at it. The wanderer, intrigued, decided to ask "Sage, what are you doing?". "I'm checking the time with the sun." answered the man. Satisfied with the answer...

Wisdom from Confucius

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Professor of Philosophy

At the school-wide faculty meeting, an angel appeared suddenly.

The angel said to the head of the philosophy department:

"I can give you wisdom, beauty, or 10 million dollars, choose one of the three."

The professor chose wisdom without thinking

After a flash of lig...

Redneck wisdom

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna  divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that...

Jesus and the Devil were talking arguing one day ... (Computer Wisdom)

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to
set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the
better j...

Child's Wisdom

"A little girl was sitting on her grandfather s lap as he read her a bedtime story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make you?  Yes...

The King's wisdom

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was
no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his...

My Girlfriend Just Got Her Wisdom Teeth Out

She was telling me that her face was sore, so I told her she was a *"sore-bae*, get it? Sorbet?". And then she turned around in bed and wouldn't talk to me.

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Ancient Wisdom

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.


Do not walk before me, for I may not follow.


Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow."


In fact, why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone?

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

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Words of wisdom

"You have enough blood to fill your heart or your dick, but not both

What did the molar 1 say to the wisdom tooth?

Ouch! Move, oral get you extracted.

What do you call "wisdom of technology"?

Techknowledgey

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[True Story] So today I had to get three wisdom teeth pulled and I jokingly told my girlfriend that I was going to ask the dentist how long before I had could go down on my girlfriend?

Well that was too just funny and just between us. "Maybe I should ask how long after the surgery before I can suck a cock again?"..we both laughed hard. But omg the anesthesia must kicked in and I ACTUALLY asked the doctor. I don't remember a thing my gf relayed everything later. But I was insistent...

After searching ancient tombs for decades, a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie tells the man he will grant him either unlimited money or unlimited wisdom. The man thinks for a while, then selects unlimited wisdom.

The genie snaps his fingers and the man is amazed as his mind begins processing all which he didn't know before.

Suddenly, his expression t...

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Ahhhhh The Wisdom of the Ages........

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the
Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray a...

A mysterious magician offers a man two choices

One is a million dollars, and another is infinite wisdom.




After thinking for a while the man chooses infinite wisdom,




Snapping his fingers the magician shouts “Infinite wisdom.” And points at the man while running away.




Realising nothing has h...

Did you see that documentary about wisdom teeth?

It’s called “An Inconvenient Tooth”.

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Wisdom of the Buddha

So a man is looking for enlightenment and he reads and studies and learns all he can but he hits a wall. He just can't seem to learn any more so he decides to go to tibet to speak to one of the masters there. He climbs a mighty mountain and sees the master meditating on top, like you see in movies a...

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

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A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

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Theme 3: 1 Liners, Words of Wisdom

*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in ...

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

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Paternal wisdom (NSFW)

On his 16th birthday, an excited young man finally mustered up the courage to ask his father for a car. "I don't know if you're ready yet, son." The boy was upset. "Well how will I know if i'm ready?" His father thought for a moment and replied. "I'll tell you what. Come ask me again when your...

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Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.

“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.

“Oh?...” she replied with a concerned inquisition.

“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough s...

Kingdom

A young child asks his father:

"Daddy, what is a kingdom?"

The all-knowing father answers:

"A kingdom is a territory that is ruled by a king. Hence the name KINGdom."

The child, enlightened by his father wisdom, replies:

"Ohhh I see. Then that is why we live in a c...

Pawnshop wisdom

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.

"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.

"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If...

An angel appears to a man in a dream...

The angel offers him a choice - He can have the Wisdom of Solomon, or $50,000,000. Believing that this was a test from God, the man choses Wisdom.

The next morning, the man is having breakfast with his friends and he recants the story to them. When he’s finished, one friend says, “If you’re ...

MY boss has been telling this one all week. Which bird symbolizes great wisdom?

Which bird symbolizes great wisdom? The owl, of course. Which bird symbolizes bravery and freedom? Most of us know it's the eagle. What type of bird symbolizes love? That would be a dove. Now, what kind bird symbolizes absolute, true love? The Swallow!

Some wisdom from my mother

If you end up with a good girl, then your life is complete.

If you end up with a bad girl, then your life is finished.

But if your good girl catches you in bed with a bad girl, then you're completely finished.

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

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Master giving wisdom

Master: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visit, my disciple.

Disciple: Master, if a man shaves his ass, is he gay?

Granny's wisdom

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

(Old WoW joke) ...and Jesus said to his disciples 'I shall grant you wisdom and salvation.'

And the disciples replied 'could we get kings instead?'

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money do...

Wisdom of the Ancients

Two girls Have reached the ripe age of 18 in the small Russian Jewish town, but there's no groom in sight. The town's rabbi sends a letter to nearest Yeshiva to send proper grooms. Yossl and Yitzi are picked for the task and are sent on a train, to meet the prospective brides. Halfway there, Yitzi t...

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.

*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

I have a lot of wisdom in regards to oral hygiene.

I'd consider myself a flosserpher.

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

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An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will

He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else.

The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom:

"It's none of my business,...

A man saw a beautiful woman with her family, and to win her heart he decided he needed his friend's advice

A man approached his friend and said 'I met a fair maiden who I wish to try my hand at, but first I wish to sneak into her Father's Grace, any advice?'
His friend thought for a moment and then said, 'Try saying you'll take good care of her.'

And with that, the man left. He returned later t...

In a medieval town ...

... a beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease a...

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Couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night

One of the guys says to his buddy: “Man you look tired.” His buddy says: “Man I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day. I just don’t know what to do.”

A fellow about my age (72+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversat...

The Geography of a Woman

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is li...

A young man has just gotten his driver's license

So his father offers some words of wisdom.

"Son" he says "In this day and age the road can be a dangerous place. First of all, beware of any drunk drivers. Second, beware of any taxi drivers. And finally, motorcycles."

"But dad, what about women?"

"Ah. A woman is like a drunk ...

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. ...

A Buddhist converted to Christianity

To get with his new girlfriend, a Buddhist quit his religion and converted to Christianity. As they were cleaning up his old apartment,the girlfriend stumbled upon his old notebooks containing all the wisdom he had learned from his old teacher.

"Babe, what's this?" She asked.

"Don't wo...

If FemDom is enjoying being dominated by women...

Is wisdom enjoying being dominated by Wizards?

Best January Joke I heard so far

Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."

As soon as the tea was served then i...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business.

He had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time. Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the ...

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A married woman visited a healer, seeking advice on her relationship

“Please you have to help me. Everyday my husband comes home from work he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My anc...

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

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A beautiful message

An antique quote says "Those who plant Tamarinds, shall not reap those Tamarinds" Thats because normally a Tamarind plant lasts 40-50 years to mature and be able to be reaped.

One time a child found an old man farmer planting a Tamarind tree and asked "Grandpa, Why are you planting a Tamarind...

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

The bird of freedom is the eagle

The bird of wisdom is the owl. The bird of love is the dove. What's the bird of true love?

The swallow.

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