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Wisdom Jokes

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I hav...

With age comes wisdom...

A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up.'

He...

Rock of wisdom...

Man who walks in front of car gets tired. Man who walks behind car gets exhausted.

Jesus and the Devil were talking arguing one day ... (Computer Wisdom)

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to
set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the
better j...

Wisdom of ages

Johnny is cutting his nails when his grandpa stops by, and comments that he should not be cutting nails on a Thursday. Knowing that grandpa is the superstitious kind, Johnny ignores him and carries on.

A few weeks later grandpa visits again, and guess what - it is Thursday, and he catches Jo...

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

Between wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?

teacher : If you are offered wealth and wisdom what will you choose ?

student : wealth

teacher: No. That's a bad answer. I will choose wisdom .

students: that's ok sir. We have to choose what we don't have.

Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just ...

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With age comes wisdom.

All the guys were at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Leon , because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Leon and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess...

Speaking words of wisdom

Build a man a fire and keep him warm for the night.

Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

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Little boy's wisdom

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minut...

I went to an herbalist looking for wisdom.

All he gave me was *sage* advice.

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!

Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising u...

On the wisdom of King Solomon

This Driver has Solomon's Wisdom

Two women in a bus were fighting bitterly over the last seat available.

The conductor already tried to intervene but to no avail. So the driver shouted, "Let the ugly one take the seat!"

Both women stood for the rest of the journey.

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

Catholic Wisdom

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whis...

the wise masters wisdom

As a young adventurer I visited the Himalayas and I heard of a long and beautiful hike at the end of which I could meet a wise master. The journey was as rewarding as it was a challenge, and at the end I found a little old man with a long beard and a handmade cane in a cave. I waved to him, and he b...

Wisdom or Money?

A man goes on a trip to the desert. At one point, he walks off alone, and suddenly stumbles upon an old lamp.

It's old but may bring a few bits, he rubs the lamp and is amazed when a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from t...

Fishing words of wisdom:

If you're going to go fishing be certain that if you ask a Baptist to be your fishing partner, you ask that two Baptists go fishing with you.

Because if you only ask one....He'll drink all of your beer.

Redneck wisdom

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna  divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that...

What's the difference between knowledge and wisdom ?

Knowledge is knowing tomatoes are a fruit.

Wisdom is not to put tomatoes in a fruit salad.

The King's wisdom

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was
no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his...

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With Age Comes Wisdom

Two bulls, a father and son, are standing on top of a hill, looking down at the herd or cattle below. The younger bull turns to his father and says "Hey Pops, we should run down this hill and fuck some of those cows!"

The older bull shakes his head. "No, son," he says, "we should *walk* dow...

Ladies I have some wisdom for you. When you meet that special man, when you meet that Mr. Right, it's not just about the size...

It's also about the cut,



the color, and the clarity.

Patient: My wisdom tooth hurt very much!

Dentist: well, they did prepare for decades.

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Ahhhhh The Wisdom of the Ages........

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the
Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray a...

In your 20s, a woman looks at you because of your youth and vitality.

In your 30s, a woman looks at you because of your poise and sophistication.

In your 40s, a woman looks at you because of your maturity and wisdom.

...At my age, when a woman looks at me, I check that I put my trousers on the right way round.

Serial killer words of wisdom?

Never criticize a victim until you’ve walked a mile in their skin...

Italian wisdom

Eat spaghetti to forgetti your regretti.

Pawnshop wisdom

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.

"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.

"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If...

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

What's the difference between wisdom and intelligence

Intelligence knows that due to a double negative you can screw with the Wu-Tang Clan.
Wisdom knows the Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to mess with

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

Child's Wisdom

"A little girl was sitting on her grandfather s lap as he read her a bedtime story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make you?  Yes...

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Ancient Wisdom

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.


Do not walk before me, for I may not follow.


Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow."


In fact, why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone?

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Words of wisdom

"You have enough blood to fill your heart or your dick, but not both

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A pilots wisdom

I was invited to give a talk at the local high school and I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for quest...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled out

I’m going to fail so many perception checks without them :(

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A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met...

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met. One day he plucked up the nerve to ask one of them, "So how come all you philosophy majors are so smart?" 

"Oh, that's no mystery," the philosophy major answered. "We've al...

Luke Skywalker took a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using Chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom:

"Use the forks, Luke!"

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. ...

Granny's wisdom

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

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Wisdom of the Buddha

So a man is looking for enlightenment and he reads and studies and learns all he can but he hits a wall. He just can't seem to learn any more so he decides to go to tibet to speak to one of the masters there. He climbs a mighty mountain and sees the master meditating on top, like you see in movies a...

What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

Did you see that documentary about wisdom teeth?

It’s called “An Inconvenient Tooth”.

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With age, you gain wisdom.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. She even kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the check out and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look...

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

Why didn't the dentist let Jack Nicholson keep his extracted wisdom teeth?

He can't HANDLE the tooth!

Some wisdom from my mother

If you end up with a good girl, then your life is complete.

If you end up with a bad girl, then your life is finished.

But if your good girl catches you in bed with a bad girl, then you're completely finished.

Wisdom of the Ancients

Two girls Have reached the ripe age of 18 in the small Russian Jewish town, but there's no groom in sight. The town's rabbi sends a letter to nearest Yeshiva to send proper grooms. Yossl and Yitzi are picked for the task and are sent on a train, to meet the prospective brides. Halfway there, Yitzi t...

What did the molar 1 say to the wisdom tooth?

Ouch! Move, oral get you extracted.

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Wisdom from an old bull to the young.

My father told me this many years ago, many have heard it but I've never seen it posted.

There is a young bull standing atop a hill with an older bull, below them is a pasture full of heifers, cattle as far as the eye can see. The young bull looks at the old bull and exclaims, "Hey, let's ru...

Socrates the philosopher

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"


"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It...

My Girlfriend Just Got Her Wisdom Teeth Out

She was telling me that her face was sore, so I told her she was a *"sore-bae*, get it? Sorbet?". And then she turned around in bed and wouldn't talk to me.

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

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How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out?

A molar mass.

Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it."

"And forget the present, I didn't get you one."

(Old WoW joke) ...and Jesus said to his disciples 'I shall grant you wisdom and salvation.'

And the disciples replied 'could we get kings instead?'

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Theme 3: 1 Liners, Words of Wisdom

*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in ...

Why could the god of thunder not speak well after he got his wisdom teeth pulled...

Because he was too Thor.

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.

*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

MY boss has been telling this one all week. Which bird symbolizes great wisdom?

Which bird symbolizes great wisdom? The owl, of course. Which bird symbolizes bravery and freedom? Most of us know it's the eagle. What type of bird symbolizes love? That would be a dove. Now, what kind bird symbolizes absolute, true love? The Swallow!

I have a lot of wisdom in regards to oral hygiene.

I'd consider myself a flosserpher.

The Rabbi’s Final Lesson

One afternoon, a synagogue’s Senior Rabbi invited the Assistant Rabbi in for a chat.

“Nu? As you know, 53 years I’ve led this Holy Congregation. Next week, I’ll retiring. Before I move to Florida and you never hear from me again, do you have any last questions? Are there any great words of ...

If FemDom is enjoying being dominated by women...

Is wisdom enjoying being dominated by Wizards?

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

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I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

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A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

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Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.

“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.

“Oh?...” she replied with a concerned inquisition.

“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough s...

A spiritual Leader lay quietly. He was dying.

The disciples had gathered around his bed and recited some holy verses trying to make his last journey divine and pleasant.

They wanted to give him warm milk to drink but he declined.

One of the disciples took the glass back to the kitchen and decided to add some brandy con...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

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[True Story] So today I had to get three wisdom teeth pulled and I jokingly told my girlfriend that I was going to ask the dentist how long before I had could go down on my girlfriend?

Well that was too just funny and just between us. "Maybe I should ask how long after the surgery before I can suck a cock again?"..we both laughed hard. But omg the anesthesia must kicked in and I ACTUALLY asked the doctor. I don't remember a thing my gf relayed everything later. But I was insistent...

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A farmer who raised chickens had just bought a young rooster and put it in his coop...

Soon the young rooster struts up to the old one and says, "Okay you old fart, time for you to retire. I'm in charge of the hens, now."

"Are you sure?" the old rooster asks, "It's pretty challenging watching over all these hens and keeping them in line, especially for a youngster who doesn't h...

A young man wanted to know the secret of life. So he asked a pair of wise, immortal, dolphin-like creatures. The dolphins told him they'd share their wisdom, but only if the young man completed their quest.

"First," said the male dolphin, "you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag" -- and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials -- "and make your way to the edge of the forest."

"There, you will come to the De...

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A Cambridge graduate and an Oxford graduate meet at a cocktail party...

After they've been talking for a while, the Cambridge graduate says to the Oxford graduate,

"You know, I can tell you're an Oxford graduate by your charm, your intellect, your sophistication, and your worldly wisdom."

The Oxford graduate smiles and responds,

"Thank you. You know...

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

A mysterious magician offers a man two choices

One is a million dollars, and another is infinite wisdom.




After thinking for a while the man chooses infinite wisdom,




Snapping his fingers the magician shouts “Infinite wisdom.” And points at the man while running away.




Realising nothing has h...

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

After searching ancient tombs for decades, a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie tells the man he will grant him either unlimited money or unlimited wisdom. The man thinks for a while, then selects unlimited wisdom.

The genie snaps his fingers and the man is amazed as his mind begins processing all which he didn't know before.

Suddenly, his expression t...

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