UPJOKE
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Ok Jokes

Then Ok!

Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "No."

Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."

Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*

\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*

Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates: "No."

Dad: "My son is the CEO of...

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It’s ok if your phone autocorrects “” to “Duck”

You’re still using Fowl Language.

Back in the day Oklahoma use to have a slogan “Oklahoma is OK!”, you know why it was just OK?

Because they couldn’t spell mediocre.

So it’s ok when a season does it…

How come when spring comes early everyone gets excited, but when I do it my wife cheats on me with the neighbor.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other te...

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date, and apparently it was OK

But then we saw Oxygen getting together with Magnesium, and we were like, OMg Oxygen is cheating on Potassium! That is *not* OK!

But then when Nitrogen started flirting, Oxygen said NO.

OK.

What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

Are you guys OK?

I haven't heard from you all year.

Saw a guy walking with a naked woman on his back. "You OK?" I asked.

"Sure. I'm headed to a fancy dress as a tortoise."

"And her?"

"Oh, that's Michelle."

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

Ok guys. No jokes about Jesus on Easter...

**He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.**

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.

'Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

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On the one hand, is ok

But on the other hand, it's great!

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

What do you call a factory that produces OK products?

Satisfactory

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

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- Will I be OK, Doc?

- I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now.
- I don’t do that Astrology stuff you know.
- Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

I’m ok with trans women competing in women’s sports

As long as I’m allowed to bet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend says it's ok to have a small .

I still wish she didn't have one, though.

Ok doctor, tell me...

... How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Five

Patient: Five what?

Doctor: Four... Three... Two...

I swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says I'm OK

But I feel like I've dyed a little inside

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Guy 1: Why do you think it's ok to harass women?

Guy 2: I don't, her meant nothing to me.

Ok so, bear with me here

That isn’t a misspelling, call animal control

Is it ok to ignore dumplings in my Chinese takeout?

Or will I be charged with wonton neglect?

Apparently it’s no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.

I’m told it’s not pee sea.

I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Genie: OK, I'm ready for your third wish.

Me: Third? What about the first two?

Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them.

Me: Well, OK. I wish I real...

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

At the Indian restaurant, the waiter asked me, “Curry ok, sir?”

Me: Ok. One song, and then I really need to go home.

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**Update** For those who asked, my wife is doing ok.

I overdosed on and she took it kinda hard.

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And ! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And ! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now ...

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

>!It was just her kneecap!<

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Ok, you got me.

A drug raid is going on at a house in the suburbs. The cops kick in the door and spread out through the house. A DEA agent breaks open a bathroom door to find a man holding what appears to be a bag of coke over a toilet.

"Freeze, !" The cop shouts.

"Ok, ok, you got me." T...

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Pot head gets really high on some good and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh , I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

Ok, this isn't a great joke, but...

So a boy has been getting dropped off at his grandpa's house after school because of his parents' work schedule. The grandpa makes the boy dinner everyday and at one point the boy notices some crust on the plate.

He asks his grandpa "Why is there crust on my plate?" To which grandpa replies "...

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

I heard a joke about oxygen and potassium. I’d say it was pretty OK.

Yea, I also heard that sodium was under assault.

Ok, dad joke time.

A doctor goes to see a patient, the patient has carrots coming out of his nose and broccoli out of his ears. The doctor takes one look at the patient and says, “I can tell right away you’re not eating right.”

Why is it OK to lie to a dentist?

Because the tooth hurts.

ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.

Blunt force trauma.

Ok, so some has dementia

What was I saying again?

Ok, you guys are going to have to stop making fun of that fat girl with a lisp

She is thick and tired of it

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

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A father buys a lie detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend'...

Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!

Well, when we ...

Genie: ok, you have 3 wishes.

Me: I wish there were no more Lawyers.
Genie: ok, you have no more wishes
Me: what about tne other 2?
Genie: sue me...

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

There was a farmer who had three daughters

All of his 3 daughters were going on their first dates that same evening. Being protective of them, he decided to meet their suitors at the front door with his gun.

So the first suitor arrived and told the farmer: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" T...

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

Doctor: Ok let's start with the good news

Doctor: Your son will always find an available parking slot.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

Ok kids, anyone who needs to use the bathroom do it now, or

Forever hold your pees.

(Credit goes to my wife)

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

Ok Mods I want to know why my post was removed.

It's annoying because my fence keeps falling down.

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

It's going to be ok...

Yesterday I ended up in the hospital. Tripped over a box of Kleenex. Thankfully it was only tissue damage.

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It's ok, a black guy told me this

A little black boy, pretending to be white, covers his face in flour. He goes over to his father and says, "Daddy, Daddy! Look I'm white!"

The father, with a quick smack says, "Boy! Go show yo mother"

The boy runs over to his mother and exclaims, "Mommy, Mommy! Look I'm white!"

...

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."

"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"

"Oh I can't say."

"Was it Mary Jane?"

"No Father."

"Adalina Mozarelli?"

"My lips are sealed."

"How about Cindy King"

"I can neve...

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

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God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: ""

God: "Uhh ok"

Adam: "Boobie"

God: "Stop naming them after breasts"

Adam: *Looks at rooster*

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

English: ok daddy

Korean: k pop

My wife explained, "You need to do more chores around the house." I moaned, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and said...

"Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

Ok so a blind guy walks into a bar

Then into a table then into a counter then into the bartender

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I walked in on my girlfriend having with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, "....

Ok so I can’t spell Armageddin

It’s not the end of the world though is it?

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

Are you ok with being led by a woman?

I don't know... let me ask my wife what she thinks about that.

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"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking or fully ?"

"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."

"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"

An ok joke

Francis had memory loss. He was chatting with his friend, Richard, in his nursery home. Richard asks him “ Hey, how is that new memory clinic working out for you?”

“It’s going great!” Francis said. “I can remember everything.”

So then Richard asks him “ What’s the name of the clinic?”<...

Ok I have a Scottish joke: Sam Wanamaker, Immanuel Kant. Sammy Cahn…

… but Walt Disney.

It's ok to be white. It's ok to black. It's ok to be brown. It is not okay to be yellow...

... You are likely suffering from Jaundice, which is a yellowing of the skin and the whites of the eyes. It's caused by a build-up of a substance called bilirubin in the blood and body's tissues. Seek medical attention as soon as possible.

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A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I b...

It’s ok to kiss a nun

As long as you don’t get into the habit.

=======================================

(Apologies if this is a repost. One of my favorite jokes. I’ve never seen it here, but for all I know it’s reposted regularly.)

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Ok so...

If the picture of the blackhole is 55 million years old then who the took the picture, Galileo?

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

Owen Wilson is an ok actor...

I personally like his brother more, even though he doesn't have that "wow" factor.

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him ...

Is your country doing OK?

- I can't complain.
- Oh so it's all good?
- No, but if I complain I'll go to jail...

Sir, are you Ok?

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a Question?

TEACHER: Yes!

STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?

TEACHER: I don’t know.

STUDENT: It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!

TEACHER: Ok, ask.

STUDENT: How do you put a do...

Me: is it ok to park here?

Officer: I think it’s fine.

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

If your sparkling water loses it's bubbles, that's ok...

It's still water.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

Ok guys, so l know where the Big Apple is. But can any of you tell me, I need to know where the

Minneapolis

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

After kissing a her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

Serial killer jokes are ok

As long as they are properly executed.

Is it ok for monks to use email?

As long as they don't have attachments.

I'm OK at guitar

but I can't pick up the piano.

Ok. Years ago, I used to have a third .

...I’m so glad I got that off my chest.

Its OK to make mistakes, everybody does!

My parents are a great example, they made me

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

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Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moa...

Patient: I need a doctors appointment please. Receptionist: Ok, how about 10 tomorrow?

Patient: No, I don’t need that many.

Me : What's the wifi password?

Bartender : you need to buy a drink first.

Me : Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender : Is Pepsi ok?

Me : Sure, How much is that?

Bartender : 3$

Me : There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Ok, I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.

I’ve got nothing to hide.

Oh, so it's ok for people to call their dogs furbabies.....

But when I call a child a skin dog I'm "the worst pediatrician in this hospital".

A man asks his neighbour if it’s ok to pet his dog

“Yea he’s a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can!” Says the neighbour

The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand

“I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn’t bite!” Exclaims the man

The neighbour looks at him shrugging and says
“Yes...

Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Its ok. i can handle it.

Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

I’d be ok with getting coronavirus

I’ve always wanted to travel the world

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher: "Ok it's time for ed"

Ed: "I hate this class..."
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