Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first n...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

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My penis was in guinness book of world records...

..but then the librarian told me to remove it

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

The World ‘Paper Tearing’ Champion has died .....

RIP!

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested....

I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence

There are two types of people in the world:

1. Those who can make good inferences from incomplete data
2.

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give...

As the world is encouraged to practise good hygiene in response to the Corona virus...

...the government gives a poignant demonstration by washing their hands of any responsibility.

Did you know my pp used to be in the Guinness book of world records?

Well it was, until I got kicked out of the library

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

A thief was arrested for stealing the world’s finest perfume.

It was a *fragrant violation* of the law.

I was trying to explain what the world health organization was to my daughter.

She was like, “The who?

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary, those who don't and those who didn't expect this to be a base 3 joke

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

because it's capital is Dublin everyday.

There are three kinds of people in this world.

Those who can count, and those who can't.

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The ...

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Who are the most optimistic people in the world?

The Jews, they don't know how much it's gonna grow but they still cut it.

Soon Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

My doctor says I have something extra to offer the world

Then he circumcised me.

I have the best debts in the world!

Every single one of them is Outstanding!

I think my parents are the funniest people in the world

They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.

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World War 2 jokes are pretty offensive to me.

I've always been pretty sensitive to WWII jokes because my grandpa died in Auschwitz.

The poor bastard fell out of a watchtower.

A new survey shows that 97% of the world is certified stupid.

Luckily I'm in the other 5%.

The World Health Organisation has stated that animals can't get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released.

WHO let the dogs out!

What’s the number one use of leather in the world?

Holding cows together

How did the Corona Virus travel across world?

It flu.

Why did the √2 tell everyone the world is flat?

'Cause it's irrational!

Since yesterday I've been feeling a strong urge to take a world tour.

The symptoms of Coronavirus are probably kicking in.

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Wow.. I don't know what this world is coming to....

Today I was offered sex with a very attractive 21yr old girl...in exchange I was supposed to advertise some sort of bathroom cleaning product to my reddit friends. I couldn't do it tho because of my high morals and strong will power. Just as strong as AJOX the super strong bathroom cleaner, now avai...

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I tried to find inner peace by meeting the winner of The World's Greatest Ejaculation.

It was a long shot.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

How heavy is the world's heaviest dumpling?

won ton

I really think reddit was onto the sinister powers that run the world with the whole Epstein thing

I mean, they burned down half of Australia, almost started a world war, invented a new virus... just to distract us

[edit] : of course this post will be buried. And we know who did that. No way it will be because my jokes are lame.

There’s not going to be another World War. Calm down.

“World War” implies that America still has allies.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

I got so depressed about not catching up with this fast changing technological world that i decided to end it all

So i sat in my garage while running my electric car...

Hardest thing in the world is to lose your wife of twenty years.

God knows, I've tried.

Hear about the Cheese Secret Society trying to take over the world?

Hallouminati confirmed.

Why is the Great Wall of China one of the seven world wonders?

Because it's made in China and lasts for a long time.

Did you know, when World War 1 happened they didn’t call it World War 1.

They called it The Great War... because they weren’t expecting a trilogy.

I couldn't afford to take the kids to Sea World.

So I took them to the fish market and said, "Shhh, they're all sleeping."

World is half full of pessimists...

Or half empty, depends how you look at it

What does every woman in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

World Taekwondo Federation has changed its name over negative connotations

WTF?

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 90 stories in 10 seconds

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My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.

“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him.

“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.”

“A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked.

“Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

My grandfather was in the air force in the Second World War, surviving over 30 combat missions in hostile airspace.

He was by far the worst pilot of the entire Kamikaze corps.

What’s the cleanest animal in the world?

The Spotless Hygiena

54% of the world are living on less than $2 a day.

And I thought I was frugal.

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

What are some famous stereotypes around the world?

5.1 and 7.1

My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.



How do you solve world hunger?

Just don't eat

I think the world would be a better place if everyone stopped worrying about good posture...

It's just a hunch.

I've created the world's best labyrinth

It's a mazing.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it horrible, but it's very horrible, and worse than that, it's truly horrible. Just horrible!

Reporter to the world’s first trillionaire: “Sir, what are you going to do with all that money?”.

“I can buy a chicken and some bread now!”, says Abou, while walking out of his bank in Zimbabwe

A World War I soldier was attacked by mustard gas

Then he was also pepper sprayed by the police.

He became a seasoned veteran.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.



I don't know where I got this from, but I think it's funny so I'll just post it here.

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have four questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi? Seco...

There are 2 types of people in this world.

Those who can't fill in the missing information based on the given info

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worlds fastest masturbator died yesterday

Wrist. In. Peace

There was a time when Jeffery Epstein could call up the most powerful people in the world...

Now they just leave him hanging

Old guy to friend: "I just bought the most expensive hearing aid in the world. Works great!"

Friend: "Cool! What kind is it?"

Old guy: "Quarter to ten."

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?

They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them

Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?

Around the world in eighty days.

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

I just got off the phone with Sea World...

They said my call may be used for training porpoises

Corona virus is just like pasta

The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

Without anything ugly in this world nothing would be beautiful

Thank you for your sacrifice

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

A Joke For The Psychiatry World

Q: What do you call someone who hears voices calling their name all the time?

A: A schizophrenic narcissist.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Why did the invention of the dry erase board amaze the world?

Because it was re-markable

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus today.

Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

A man on a tractor just passed me and shouted "The end of the world is nigh".

No need to worry, that's just Farmer Geddon.

The laziest person award

There was an award ceremony for the laziest person in the world. Many lazy people came to the award show but nobody among them was awarded. Turns out the laziest person was too lazy to attend the award show.


So they went to the laziest persons house to give him the award in person. He wa...

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

If you could choose any super power in the world what would it be?

Personally I'd choose Cold War Russia.

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