Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Then I got kicked out of the library.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

There are 2 types of people in this world

1. Those that are worth mentioning

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do Viagra and Disney world have in common?

You have to wait an hour for a 3 minute ride.

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?

When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.

There are 11 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, those that don’t and those that only know enough binary to think I wrote this joke wrong.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me."

The girl said, "No!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenev...

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

One day Canada will rule the world

Then everyone will be sorry!

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.





*They're afraid of change - even if it is to make the world a brighter place.*

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

Q: What was the longest river in the world before they discovered the Nile?

A: The Nile

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.

After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

There are three kinds of people in this world.

Those who can count and those who can't.

There were officials in World War 1 that were discussing a plan.

English General: Plan?

English Lieutenant: We can use trenches to—

English Major: symbolize man’s emptiness.

Do you want to hear the fastest joke in the world?

Do you want to hear it again?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the lightest thing in the world?

A penis. It can be lifted by a mere thought.

I rang Sea World this morning ...

They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices that there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

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The Smallest Dick In The World

3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one...

Somewhere in the world there us a lady giving birth every 1.5 seconds.

We've got to find this lady and stop her!

The best police in the world: FBI, Scotland Yard or Brazilian Police

FBI, Scotland Yard and the brazilian police were in a competition to determine the best police in the world. A international jury released a rabbit in a dark forest.

The FBI started the search using high-tech localization techniques, satellite maps, nightvision goggles and a DNA tracer. The a...

Why is World Autism Day after April Fools’ Day?

Because it takes longer for them to get the joke.

What does every woman in the world want?

Nothing they're fine

There are 3 things I hate in this world

1. People who make jokes using lists
2. People who are bad at math

Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world

because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs. His advisor concluded it with, "and yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an attack."

"That's terrible!" responded the president. "We need to act now. I need to talk directly with the people. Set up a time for it, a...

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

“If women ruled the world,” said my wife, “there would be no wars.”

‘That’s true,” I replied. “Wars require strategy and logic.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

What do the worlds greatest dance halls and best underwear have in common

Lots of ball room

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The second fastest thing in the world is how fast your anus closes after squeezing out a turd. The fastest?

That one drop of water.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I'm an American, and I'm sick of people saying, "America is the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think the UNITED STATES is the stupidest country in the world.

Just came back from the state fair and saw the world's smallest pickle

It was no big dill

The best Theremin player in the world

Doesn’t even have to touch his instrument.

What is the least spoken language in the world

Sign language

​

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

A rabbi, seeking knowledge, is wandering the world...

After many lesser adventures, he comes to a small village at the foot of a mountain range. Known as Tridia, the people of the village call themselves Trids.

The Rabbi notices immediately that the Trids are a sullen and morose lot, and that half the buildings in the village are being rebuilt. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

If you think about it, Trump is probably one of the smartest people in the world

Even the President says so

My neighbour holds the world record for most concussions...

He lives just a stone's throw away


Credit to Stewart Francis

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

They said he'll be given a tough sentence.

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able...

Who was the worlds first carpenter?

Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

World-wide known John

One day, one big company's boss decided to visit his employees. There was one man who was greeted cheerfully by everyone. Like really everyone. His name was John. Boss stopped him for a while and asked him a question 'John, how is it possible that our accountant, manager, supplier and even our new c...

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

There are 13 types of people in the world.

1. Those that understand false dichotomy jokes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bananas are the Japanese of the fruit world.

All yellow, and all slightly radioactive.

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

How did the Russians keep the Germans at bay in World War II?

They were Stalin

It took 8 of the world's most powerful telescopes to take a picture of a black hole.

They could of just asked for a screenshot of my bank account.