UPJOKE
earthuniverseplanetworldwideglobalglobecosmosrealityinternationalmanplanetaryhumanhumanityhumankindmankind

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

One day Canada will take over the world...

and then you'll all be sorry

If Netflix ran the world, a year would only be 6 months...

Cause it would end after 2 seasons.

A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." ...

If women ruled the world,,,

If women ruled the world there would be no wars.

Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend, the sexiest girl in the world and the only woman I know who takes it up the ass, to marry me

All three said no.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?!

9/11 victims. They went through 60 stories in 4 seconds.

My neighbour is in the the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records,

then the librarian asked me to take it out

There are 3 people in this world

Those that can count

Those that can’t

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attempted to break the world record for masturbating.

I nearly pulled it off.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

The Origami world championships are live on TV this year.

It's only available on pay per view though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is pussy called the smallest hotel room in the world?

It's so small you have to leave your bags outside.

Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, "Vladimir Putin...

dead."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there’s one thing I love in this world, its fucking Whoppers from Burger King,

And eating them too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.




Pls send help

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

DYK that if you lined up all the world's economists end to end...

...they still wouldn't reach a conclusion?

Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World?

Because he heard the lines were long

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament

I took gold, silver and bronze.

I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world...

But it's definitely up there.

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

The real reason why some people think the world is flat

The oceans are uncarbonated.

The world champion of tongue twisters got arrested

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

I can't believe there's so many conspiracy theories in the world. This is really not the time to be making up so many.

Not now while Trump is still sitting president.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

I think I've discovered the headstone of the world's oldest man!

Apparently he lives to 194, and was called Miles - from London!

The world’s fastest-selling chess book

Do you know what was the world’s fastest-selling chess book?

It was wrapped in simple brown paper and called: "Recently translated from the original French: twenty-six new mating positions".

Bo Burnham made me believe comedy could heal the world.

Then some dumbass recommended me an Amy Schumer special.

There are two types of people in the world

1. People who can extrapolate from incomplete data

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

My buddy once took a date to see the world’s oldest lit candle but it didn’t go well.

Turns out you really shouldn’t take your date to see an old flame.

So I heard about a secret society that wants to run the world...

...and force feed everybody cheese all the time.




They're called the Hallouminati

During the course of a couple of weeks, Russia went from the 2nd stongest army in the world ...

... to the 2nd strongest army in Ukraine.

So the Irish are playing against the English in the World Cup Final, being held in Paris.

Three Irish and three English fans are waiting at the airport to get the train to the stadium.

The three English fans go up to the ticket counter and buy one ticket each. The three Irish fans go up to the counter and buy only one ticket. The English fans see this and one asks the Irish, " Ho...

After Arnold Schwarzenegger quit the acting world, he should have started a pest control service

He is an ex-Terminator, after all.

A chat server has been opened for world leaders to talk to one another,

and the world has fallen into chaos and Discord.

Elon Musk, The smartest man in the world

was on a plane along with a hippie and a priest. Suddenly, the pilot comes running back with a distressed look. "The plane is going to crash, I've done all I can. There are three parachutes and since I am the pilot, I am taking one; you three will have to decide who gets the other two." With that th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

World's Unluckiest Man

This man was so unlucky he was born with only a single ball. Where ever he goes doom is with him. He decided to live in another country and books a plane ticket for USA. Mid flight a turbulence started to occur and the Captain starts to announce that the plane is about the crash and there are only 9...

Not only is my wife really funny, but she's a world class clinical oncologist too.

She has a great sense of tumour.

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why in the world,,,

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a viagra.

“Why in the world do you want that?” She asked him.

He looks at her and says, “Well that’s what you give dad when his shit won’t get hard.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves ...

In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves and banning them from events, I will do my part and not play Russian Roulette for the foreseeable future.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

Although the World is more accepting, I refuse to accept some races.

Marathons are awful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

Why was the entire world late to work today?

Due to the invasion in Ukraine and widespread sanctions, everyone stopped Russian.

The world banned Russian gas

but Russians say with all the fibre in their beings they can’t stop pootin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guinness World Record

Guy: Ya know my penis was in the Guinness World Record Book?
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yeah, until the Librarian told me to take it out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

World Cup 2022

I was really surprised to see Canada qualify for the world cup this year, but it's trudeau...

World cup for firefighters

There was this world cup for firefighters(WCF) and the ref's would set a buliding on fire,and the team that stops the fire the fastest wins.

First up were the Germans.They come with some ladders and pipes filled with water.They stop the within 30 min.

Second are the Americans.Again wit...

With the world hating Russians again

The 80's have truly come back in fashion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three leaders of the free world and Putin walk into a inn looking for a hot bowl of stew

Biden, Macron, Zelenskyy, and Putin walk into a inn hungry for a bowl of hot bowl of stew. The innkeeper apologizes, saying that the last bowl went to the woman in the corner with her baby.

They think they can get it off of her.

So Macron walks up to her and says, "Bonjour Madame, I...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....

And then I blew it.

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the lightest thing in the world?

A penis, because even a thought can lift it.

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he c...

I’m in the World Thumb Wrestling finals.

We’ve been deadlocked in competition for the past 15 hours. Given how worn out our thumbs are, the judges have ruled we play sudden death with our big toes.


This will end in defeet.

Russians are very flexible, and are world-class ballerinas, figure skaters, and gymnasts

They use their flexibility in other ways, too! It's the only country where there are regularly suicides with bullets to the *back* of the head.

We switched from corona virus to the Third World War..

..which idiot changed from zombie mode to multiplayer?

End of the World: Stock up on Staples.

My Mom: Do you think this War is the end? Do you think we should stock up on staples?
My Dad: I don't think there will be that much paperwork.

Did you hear they just opened the worlds largest Lego store in Las Vegas?

People are lining up for blocks.

I’ve created the thickest moisturiser in the world….

To be honest, it still hasn’t sunk in yet.

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

Because their capital is always Dublin.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

What do you call a Scotsman holding the World Cup ?

An engraver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at Disney World

Also, I don't want to be cremated

Dyslexics of the world,

UNTIE!!!

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is one of the worst cooks in the world

Just last night the raccoons offered me money to chip in for a lock on my garbage bin!

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is alone in an airport lounge…

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go a...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hall pass

My wife is really not too bright. We have this system where we have what's called a "hall pass" where you get to have sex with any two people in the whole world, as long as your spouse agrees to it.

Now, I picked Angelina Jolie and Christie Brinkley. But my wife, she picked the Mexican guy t...

The World Health Organisation has declared that dogs cannot transmit Covid and there's no need to quarantine them..

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.





The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

The Pope is engaged in an intellectual debate with an atheist. Fed up with the atheist's irreverence towards the leader of the Catholic world, the Pope finally snaps at him

"Arguing with you is impossible!" the pontiff proclaims. "You cannot speak of God in such a way. You look for the Lord like a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't even there!"

The atheist is silent for a moment, but then says: "We are not so dissimilar. You are also a...

How do you make sure World War III never happens?

You sell the rights to Valve.

What would you do if the world ended tomorrow?

I'd move to Bosnia because the country is 10 years behind everyone.

The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money.

Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.

I asked my dad how he felt about having the best son in the world

He told me to ask my grandpa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the Nazis.

They start to banter and brag with each other.

The American says to the Soviet, “you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stand in front of the White House and shout “I hate America!” and nothing would happen to me.”

The Soviet officer looks at him and replies, “yes, in t...

An inmate appeals for parole

Judge: Why should you be granted parole?

Inmate: Within the several years that I've served, I have...

Judge: What have you learned thus far during your incarceration?

Inmate: Well I've had plenty of time to reflect which has really taught me that...

Judge: What will happe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man traveled the world in search of buried treasure. After five years with no luck, he received a prophecy from an enchantress which told of a vast hoard of golden loot squirreled away in Bermuda by a famous privateer crew.

Sure enough, after sailing for another year, he came to the place the enchantress had spoken of and found a trove of coins and medallions, enough to make him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

He brought all of it on board his ship and through storms and turmoil returned home with his prize....

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a Plane

How weak is the world's weakest conputer?

Just a bit

A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...

are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfecti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.