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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

‟That will be $0.05 please sir”.

‟Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too”

‟Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir”.

‟Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps”.

‟0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together”.
...

I own the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it's awful.

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my penis was in the guinness book of world records...

until i got kicked out of the library

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I wish for a world without lawyers. Genie: Done, you have no more wishes. Me: But you said three.

Genie: Sue me.

My favourite word in the world is "bargain".

It means a great deal to me.

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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records

Then the librarian told me to take it out or she would call the cops

How does a flat-earther travel the world?

On a plane.

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

There are 10 types of people in the world:

Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

I met the world's riches fisherman today

"What's your net worth?" I asked.

"This one was about £10" he replied.

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My girlfriend is mad because I told her I wanted to show our love to the world

She found it adorable at first but now wants me to remove that video from pornhub.

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The greatest swordsman in the world.

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was.The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent.The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush.One of the judges pro...

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What would be the world without women?

Just pain in the butt.

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

What's the sharpest thing in the world?

A fart. It cuts through your underwear and pants without making a mark.

What are the most pointless things in the world?

Spheres

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

At this point, several of the children giggle.

"I looked up, and rig...

The CEO of the largest paper shredder company in the world just died.

rip.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I bought a world map for my wife, and gave her a dart. I said, "Where ever this lands, that's where I am taking you after this pandemic is over."

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

There are 2 types of people in this world....

1) People who think the government is looking out for their best interests.

2) People who think.

There are two types of countries in this world.....

Those that use the metric system, and those that have set foot on the moon.

There are two kinds of people in this world...

Avoid both of them.

How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world?

8 bucks. Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.

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There are two types of men in this world

Those who have tried to suck their dick, and liars

Who are the fastest readers in the world

9/11 victims went through 80 stories in 10 seconds

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

I have something I'm finally ready to share with the world: I used to have a third nipple until I accidentally cut it off shaving last year.

I'm glad I finally got that off my chest.

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World Record

A brand new world was set on the 31st of December 2019 when billions from around the world got together to achieve the world's biggest lie on the stroke of midnight. Happy New Year was being said everywhere. Nearly 12 months on billions of people can now confirm that this was bullshit.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

When Usain Bolt finishes in 9 seconds the world celebrates

But when I do it my girlfriend gets disappointed...

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

Why is the world's funniest joke not in Rudolph the Reindeer's joke book?

Because the real joke is in Comet's!

The baby blue whale is the 2nd largest baby in the world

Right after people who are still complaining about wearing masks.

The world's tongue-twister champion just got arrested...

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence

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Old World War II political joke my granddad told me when I was a kid.

I'll try to retell it exactly as he told it to me when I was about seven or so.

>There's this intersection with a four way stop. Four cars displaying reichstag flags approach the intersection. You know, like those official flags the president's got, except they got the kraut eagle and car...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

An eye for an eye makes the whole world…

Pirates

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

I've heard people say that vegans are gonna save the world. I disagree...

If you want to save the world you should become a cannibal.

If you eat someone you're 100% carbon neutral. Better yet, eat a pilot.

During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns"

The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"

Real story.

I’m not saying my ceiling is the best in the world...

But it’s up there.

How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.

The world’s first great fisherman possessed something that no man before him ever had.

Allure.

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Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

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My Grandfather brought down over 30 Nazi aircraft during World War Two.

And to this day, he's known as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II...

A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the Nazis. They start to banter and brag with each other.

The American says to the Soviet, “you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stan...

Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world

The first man says “The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head”

The second man says “The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly”

The third man thinks for a second and says “you are b...

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Your butthole closing after you take a poop is the second fastest known reaction in the world

The splash of water that races in is the first

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A world war 2 fighter pilot is giving a talk to a group of school children about the Battle of Britain

An RAF veteran from the free Polish forces is giving a talk to a class of young school children and was trying to explain what the battle of Britain was like.

" Out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed ...

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

What is the best paying job in the world?

I don’t know, but pizza chefs sure make a lot of dough

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

What’s the end of the world in Italian?

Parmageddon

What do you call someone who believes the world is run by a shadow organization of Mexican chain restaurants?

QdobAnon

How does the funniest joke in the world end?

With laughter.

Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him...

...before he did his time.

What's the best country in the world?

The USA

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

My dad is the meanest person in the world

On Christmas Eve, he fired his air gun in to the sky, and came back inside to tell me that Santa has committed suicide.

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

UK is a very generous country

It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world.

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

I killed every Jenna in the world.

I committed a Jennacide.

What does everybody in the world get for their birthday?

Older

My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran and he use to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death

He shot the cook

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A bear and a rabbit find a magic genie in the woods

He grants them three wishes a piece.

"I wish for a motorcycle."

As the motorcycle appeared, the bear scoffed, "What a waste of a wish. I wish for all the bears in the forest to be female."

The genie granted his wish and the rabbit made his second wish, "I wish for a helmet."...

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

A man walking around the world...

Drowned today!

The World is $7 trillion in debt....

Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

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There will be no more virgins in the world as of September 12th, 2020 onward.

That’s right folks you heard it here first. Everyone on planet earth is fucked.

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A few guys were sitting around arguing about what the fastest thing in the world is

The first guy says, “I think it’s a thought because you just think and it’s right there”

The second guy says, “I think it’s blinking because you hardly notice it’s happening before it’s over”

The third man says, “I think it’s light. When you flip a light switch the lights immediately t...

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

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