I'm highly skeptical over the existence of "alcohol-free beer"...

There's literally zero proof.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands...

Unfortunately, there is no cure.

Sometimes I want to leave society, live in the woods, and contemplate existence...

But I know that would be Thoreauing away my life.

An atheist was walking through the woods, enjoying the scenery ,

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shou...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eterni...

What do my existence and an unsharpened pencil have in common?

They're both dull and pointless.

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

The government has covered up the existence of monsters for centuries...

The truth is kept under Loch and key.

My job is the bane of my existence...

It's backbreaking work

Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God...

Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the Shul for morning servic**e**s.

"I thought we had agreed th...

What's the most bitter tea in existence?

Reality
*cries in the corner*

What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?

Eggnog-stic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon...

Apparently it's a real lunatic

For my next Halloween costume I'll need to physically disappear out of existence...

I'll be the wage gap.

Did you hear about the article in Psychology Today about disproving the existence of Observation Bias?

The head researcher was quoted as saying "it turned out to be just as we expected".

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

Every time I click "Remember Me" on a login page, I get a little sad thinking about my fleeting existence...

...But some cookies would brighten my day!

Disclaimer: Made this joke up just now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

Did you hear the one about the whistle-blower for the Church of Scientology?

Nobody did. He was swiftly killed and any evidence surrounding his existence was erased from history and censored from the internet.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping

Towards the end of the evening, they decide to turn into their tent and sleep.

Around 3AM, Sherlock rouses Watson awake

"Watson! Watson!!"

Watson opens his eyes and sees a beautiful night sky full of shimmering stars.

"What do you see Watson?"

"Well Dr Holmes, I se...

Women treat me like God.

My existence is ignored except for when they need something.

The Talking Cat.

A 2 bit magician had a show called "Goldie, the Magic Talking Cat". He wasn't that skilled of a magician, so he had to make up for his lack of talent with cheesy 2 bit tricks.

He found this cat that looked like it was clearly abandoned. It had fleas and ticks, wasn't fixed and it didn't ...

One day a man dies.

He wakes up and arrives at the gates of Hell, and he’s greeted by Hades with a dramatic entrance.
“Well hello sir and welcome to the underworld where your existence has always, and now forever will mean nothing. I dont have time to learn your name, so we can skip the introductions as you very wel...

Renee Descartes walks into a bar

Bartender: would you like a drink?
Descartes: I think not!
Descartes then vanishes from existence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason.

No, this does not mean that I am obligated to show you my breasts to prove their existence

Why don't physicists and Bingo players get along?

They disagree on the application and existence of a free space.

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

Saul and The Lottery

Saul was a devoutly religious man who was alway trying to do good for others. He also wanted very little in return. In fact, throughout his entire adult life he only prayed for one thing: he wanted to win the lottery. Day after day he would perform these acts of kindness without looking for recip...

Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.

Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection d...

Don’t trust cats

I was talking to this cat who insisted he was the biggest house cat in existence.

Turns out he was lion

The Dunne Family

Some years ago, in the hills above Killarney, there lived Seamus and Isobel Dunne and their family of 6 boys.


It was a happy but isolated existence, so it came as a bit of a shock when eldest son Niel announced that he was off to seek his fortune amongst the bright lights of London. His...

At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.

For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

My girlfriend treats me like GOD...

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

Hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure...

What do you call it when you play Fortnite during the day-time?

A sad depraved existence

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poop walks into a bar.

He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.

The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar and shouts, "HEY! How did this get here?!"

"Well, it's a long story... " says the poop, "basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and sudden...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

Why do circles always feel depressed?

Because their entire existence is pointless.

French Donuts

Are the Beigne of my existence

What do you call an orgy without protection?

The Big Bang, as a lot of existence just got started.

A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.

The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.

Se...

What is a cats greatest goal in life?

To have a Purrrposeful existence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lich walks into a tavern

The whole place fell silent. The customers have heard tales of their existence, but most have never seen a lich before. The lich plops himself down at the bar counter, a few seats away from a human warrior and his busty mage companion. They exchanged looks.

"Whoa," the mage whispered. "It's a...

An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house....

Mr. Stark, I'm not feeling so good...

Rene Descartes get home from work.

Wife: You forgot groceries again!?

Descartes: I'm sorry honey, I wasn't thinking.

*Descartes slowly fades from existence*

A General flies in to a remote base in Afghanistan

The chopper kicks up clouds of sand as it lands just outside of the base. A sergeant runs up to the chopper to meet the general. After exchanging greetings they begin their walk-through of the camp.

Everything appears to be in order as they inspect every portion of the camp. Until they reach ...

The Pope and an Athiest discuss God

The Pope and an atheist decided to debate the existence of God. At first the debate was reasonable and reasoned, but after some time it became more and more heated; until finally the Pope snapped at the Atheist:

"How can you deny the existence of the Almighty when you can see the mystereies ...

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables

The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. 

"Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied...

I don’t think I am

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse morosely replies, “my wife wants a divorce, she says I’m an alcoholic.” The bartender asks if he is, and the horse answers, “I don’t think I am” and promptly vanishes from existence. Now this is funny because it is a pla...

Nihilist Horse Walks in to a Bar

A Horse walks into a bar.
The Bartender sees such a vivid depth
of despair and dissatisfaction in the Horse's eyes,
like the Horse has stared into the abyss
and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep
that the Horse could no longer believe
that he himself nor anyone nor anyt...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Facebook views Reddit the same way newlyweds view child mine workers

They don't like to aknowledge their existence even though they're responsible for most of the cool shit they show off to their friends

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?

Yeah, he sat up all night contemplating the existence on "dog".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.

He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading f...

It’s a tie dad

My dad asked me to update him on the game, since he’d been in the kitchen for a long while and the patriots were down.

I responded with my epiphany that the entire thing, my entire existence, was just a tide ad.

I think he thought it was a tie, since he regained a bit hope. I’m sorry ...

An Atheist is walking through the woods...

and when as he rounds a corner, he sees a huge bear. He turns and runs, and the bear starts to chase him. All of a sudden, he trips and falls. The man turns over to see the bear looming over him, and he screams, "Oh God!"

Time freezes. The heavens open up, and he hears the voice of God.
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Gods decided to create trees...

The land was barren with nothing but muddy ground, rock formations, some small creatures and a pair of humans. So the Gods decided to create 2 trees to live as partners. The female tree was named Eva and the male Lee. As all other forms of life around, the trees were naked.

Eva was not conten...

A depressed guy sits at a bar

A depressed guy sits at a bar. The bartender notices he has a bag with him and sees the bag moving. The bartender says "Hey, no animals in the bar." The depressed man sighs and pulls out a little piano, a tiny stool and a little man about a foot tall. The little man sits on the tiny stool begins pl...

What does a nihilistic Borg say?

Existence is futile.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, "A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact." Contrasting this view, the p...

Three women were shopping at the market place in a foreign country...

A ravishing brunette, a scientist redhead, and a famous Blonde. As they explore the area, they find a fancy antique store with various interesting items, but the most alluring was a big oval mirror with a golden exquisite frame.

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So they ask the owner about it, and he says "a...

The Greatful Bear

An atheist was walking in the forest admiring all the beauty of creation. He heard and saw a large bush rustling and decide to investigate. He frightened a large bear which started to chase him. He ran hard, looked back and saw the bear catching up. He ran harder, looked back and the bear was still ...