The 45+ Best Existence Jokes

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers “of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue”.

Adam is excited and asks “that sounds perfect, what will it cost me”

“An arm and a leg”

“….what can I get for a rib?”

I used to live a hand to mouth existence.

Then somebody told me about silverware.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

A chemistry student was asked to explain if heaven or hell exists on a test...

The question was: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First...

Hey, imagine if there was something you could put in your body that could let you see a whole new layer of existence and change your perception of reality?

Bro, that would be dope.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands...

There is no cure...

Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

I had a hilarious joke about how a forklift implies the existence of a spoonlift.

Then I realized that's just a catapult.

What's the most bitter tea in existence?

Reality
*cries in the corner*

What decade did people start denying the existence of a god?

The nineteen-atheist

I just got a new guard dog. He's blind, can't hear, and has no teeth. The bad guys aren't afraid of him, and he doesn't do anything to justify his existence.

In fact, he's sort of like the Federal Trade Commission's "Do Not Call List".

Oh wait...gotta go. My phone is ringing again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do the fact of my existence and a medication pill have in common?

both are bitter as fuck and you can't swallow them without drinking

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

A scientist & a Buddhist were asked of the nature of existence

The scientist said “modern science is a flashlight illuminating through the darkness of our realities. The more we know the more questions arise. We know nothing, yet we know more now than ever before.”
When the Buddhist was asked the same question on the nature of existence she answered, “Yeah t...

Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The existence of Bicycles

Implies the existence of Homocycles and Heterocycles

There is more evidence of my existence than of any of the gods.

Yet nobody believes in me.

My existence

No litterally my dad said I was an accident :c

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The existence of casual sex infers the existence of competitive sex, and since none of you have competed

You're all fucking casuals

This is a message for His Holiness the Dalai Lama: "Please decide my fate in future existences based on my past life behavior."

It's a ***karma***\-seeking post.

Every vacuum cleaner in existence is an antique.

Because all they do is collect dust.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

My friend did not believe in the existence of trousers for monkeys.

I looked them up on the internet and told him,

"Chimp pants, see?"

The rich elite have been accused of hiding the existence of a breakthrough drug for eternal youth.

Its been dubbed the "the secret agen't"

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

What do my existence and an unsharpened pencil have in common?

They're both dull and pointless.

I'm highly skeptical over the existence of "alcohol-free beer"...

There's literally zero proof.

Sometimes I want to leave society, live in the woods, and contemplate existence...

But I know that would be Thoreauing away my life.

My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

The government has covered up the existence of monsters for centuries...

The truth is kept under Loch and key.

What do you call a diabetic who fixes your internet and thinks the existence of God can't be proven or disproven?

A diagnostic.

My job is the bane of my existence...

It's backbreaking work

What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?

Eggnog-stic.

Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eterni...

Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon...

Apparently it's a real lunatic

People treat me like a god

They ignore my existence unless they need something

Yo mama so fat

She has a watch for every time zone she's in,
When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,
She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,
Thanos couldn't snap her out of existence,
Flash died before he could do a lap around her
And she ate a black hole because she was hungry

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.