UPJOKE
liferealitybeingnatureexistentexistfactcreationuniversecosmosworldstateexistentialpresenceliving

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

Hey, imagine if there was something you could put in your body that could let you see a whole new layer of existence and change your perception of reality?

Bro, that would be dope.

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The existence of casual sex implies there is formal sex

and I have had neither :(

This is a message for His Holiness the Dalai Lama: "Please decide my fate in future existences based on my past life behavior."

It's a ***karma***\-seeking post.

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers “of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue”.

Adam is excited and asks “that sounds perfect, what will it cost me”

“An arm and a leg”

“….what can I get for a rib?”

I had a hilarious joke about how a forklift implies the existence of a spoonlift.

Then I realized that's just a catapult.

Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at ...

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

What decade did people start denying the existence of a god?

The nineteen-atheist

Long ago in days of yore townsfolk spoke of the existence of sleeping quarters which stacked one on top of the other

The existence of such a phenomenon has since been debunked

Violin Manufacturers

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy.
After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”
The Guarneri family soon put a sign i...

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says : "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!"

Pinocchio i...

My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

What do pessimistic Borg say?

Existence is futile!

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

A scientist & a Buddhist were asked of the nature of existence

The scientist said “modern science is a flashlight illuminating through the darkness of our realities. The more we know the more questions arise. We know nothing, yet we know more now than ever before.”
When the Buddhist was asked the same question on the nature of existence she answered, “Yeah t...

After rewatching Doctor Strange use the Eye of Agamotto

I thought that it would be a good idea to list other lesser known, possibly not as powerful, Eye Relics for those who may not know of their existence.

The Eye of Hellomoto: Helps improve Motorola phone reception.

The Eye of Pickamoco: Aids in clearing the nasal cavity of any sorcerer...

Subject: Chemistry Mid-term

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus ...

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what do the fact of my existence and a medication pill have in common?

both are bitter as fuck and you can't swallow them without drinking

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It's Valentine's Day in the United States, and I'd just like everyone to know my girlfriend has giant, fake tits, and a huge fake dump truck.

In fact, pretty much everything on her is fake, including her existence.

Happy Single's Awareness Day, Reddit.

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

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Sole man on an isolated island

There is an isolated island, with a sole man there.
The man doesn't know about the existence of the rest of the world, he haven't met any other people and is disconnected from the rest of humanity.

A big news company hears about it, and decides to send a news reporter to make an item about...

Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects

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The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.

At some point, one says:

"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''

"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch a...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

My existence

No litterally my dad said I was an accident :c

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The existence of Bicycles

Implies the existence of Homocycles and Heterocycles

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands...

There is no cure...

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The existence of casual sex infers the existence of competitive sex, and since none of you have competed

You're all fucking casuals

There is more evidence of my existence than of any of the gods.

Yet nobody believes in me.

People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

Every vacuum cleaner in existence is an antique.

Because all they do is collect dust.

My friend did not believe in the existence of trousers for monkeys.

I looked them up on the internet and told him,

"Chimp pants, see?"

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

Another google meme...

Me: what is the meaning of life?



Google:

*noun*

1. 1.the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death."the origins of life"
2. 2.the e...

The rich elite have been accused of hiding the existence of a breakthrough drug for eternal youth.

Its been dubbed the "the secret agen't"

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

What's the most bitter tea in existence?

Reality
*cries in the corner*

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Sometimes I feel paranoid that someone is tracking and observing everything I do

But I have to tell myself to relax, because I'm really not very interesting and there's no reason for anyone to want to even bother surveilling my boring existence that's mostly spent doing dumb shit on the internet. Right, Scott?

When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

What do my existence and an unsharpened pencil have in common?

They're both dull and pointless.

I'm highly skeptical over the existence of "alcohol-free beer"...

There's literally zero proof.

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