This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

What's the difference between the universe and a German Autobahn (highway)?

The universe has a speed limit

What do unwanted children and the universe have in common?

They were both suddenly banged into existence!

Why can't any billionaires buy the universe?

Because it's too *expansive*

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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

If all the parallel universes ever contacted each other, they’d all have names like “Universe 1, Universe A, Universe ⍺, etc”.

There’ll definitely be a programmers’ universe, which’ll annoy everyone else by calling themselves “Universe 0”.

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What are the sexiest things in the universe?

Clouds. They get all the girls wet.

Why did the valet hate being in an alternate universe?

Because it was all parallel parking!

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

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Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

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Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

What do you call two universes that collided?

Diverse.

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?

Because Earth Girls Are Easy!

(if you grew up in the 80s you should get it.)

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

Josey wasn't the best Sunday School student.

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?"

Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with his pencil to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated h...

I actually come from a parallel universe where Earth was destroyed by Larry the Cable Guy.

We called the event “Arma-Git-R-Done.”

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and ...

My ex was like the universe to me.

Cold, vast and uncaring.

I bought a universal remote today - and I'm rather dissatisfied...

It does not control the Universe. Not even remotely.

“When the universe was very young, it was so hot...”

I'm going to stop you right there.

Thanos is the most efficient creature in the universe

He killed billions of birds with 6 stones

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A long time ago in alternative universe far, far away, Grand Moff Tarkin is having sex with Princess Leia.

'Come!' she whispers breathlessly.

'Ejaculate?!' he cries. 'In my moment of triumph?'

My wife is basically my whole universe...

She used to be a lot smaller and hotter, but for some reason, she just keeps expanding.

The sad thing is, eventually, there’ll be parts of her I can see now that I’ll never see again!

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The fastest thing in the universe

Four friends were discussing in a bar what would be, in their opinion, the fastest thing in the universe.

The first friend says :"it's obviously the light, it can fast travel through the universe in a short amount of time".

The second friend says instead:" Meh... It surely is the thoug...

what's so strong and powerful it can withstand the biggest thing in the universe

my zipper

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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

How do you make a Universe party?

You planet.

No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap.

It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis

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Sherlock and Watson go camping

After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep.

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"

Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, ...

The brain is one of the complex things in the universe.

It’s no wonder why so many never learned to use it.

Girl you tryna be a universe?

Cause all you need is space and time

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

But if you remove it, you get gravy.

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."

"You're still late" replied my boss.

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

Three men were asked what the fastest thing in the universe was

The first man said light, the second man said thought
And the third man said diarrhoea, when asked why he thought that, he replied, when you have diarrhoea you don’t have time to turn on the light or even think

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Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

2020 was like...

an alternate universe where we were all living in Florida.

You know, at the Big Bang, the universe was flipped into an outright stretch.

And other energy bodies were like: "Bro, why are you so contorted?"

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How do they call a tentacle porn in a Harry Potter universe?

Squidditch

Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

Why did Spiderman hate driving in the city with his evil twin from the mirror universe?

Because he was a bad parallel Parker.

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

You know, a baby and the universe are pretty similar

I mean, both started with a bang

What does god call one verse of his song?

A universe

How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

Another Universe

My friend: did you find a gf?

Me: yeah

My friend: where is she?

Me: in another universe.

My friend: so how did you two meet?

Me: through a warmhole.

After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

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