UPJOKE
galaxyplanetstarspacematterearthmilky wayspace-timeenergydimensionexistenceredshiftdark matterantimattermultiverse

Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in our universe but if you remove it you get gravy

also austria is not part of nato

I find Miss Universe contest very suspicious

How come, every single year some one from our planet wins?

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"

In a parallel Universe

Hey Will your slap is so weak you should let your wife's other husbands do it

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decided to flirt with a woman

Unfortunately, on his way to her table, he tripped and broke his leg, 3 tables, and his confidence in a single move.

She rushed over concerned and he frantically thought of ways to recover.

Then it hit him. It was as if the secrets of all the Universe had been revealed. He smiled in an...

Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

The Eternals are the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe

They were the only team powerful enough to destroy the franchise

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

Why didn't the redneck purchase the universe?

Way too expansive.

What do humans and the universe have in common?

Both started with a big bang

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genie grants a man one wish

"Budget cuts" said the Genie.
The man knew he had to make it count.
He said, "I wish I knew the answer to every question I'm asked."
The genie gave a nod then disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

The man didn't want to immediately melt his mind with the answers to the universe. Startin...

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

How much matter is in the universe?

All of it.

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

It makes sense that the universe is actually a hot waifu

No wonder life is so hard.

a small village is home to three witches.

One witch puts up a sign in front of her house reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the world!" A second witch sees the sign and puts up her own, reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the universe!" The third witch sees both signs and puts up her own sign reading "Here lives the m...

"When was it proven that the universe is predeterministic?"

"Tomorrow"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

What's the difference between the universe and a German Autobahn (highway)?

The universe has a speed limit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the sexiest things in the universe?

Clouds. They get all the girls wet.

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

Why can't any billionaires buy the universe?

Because it's too *expansive*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?

Because Earth Girls Are Easy!

(if you grew up in the 80s you should get it.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

“When the universe was very young, it was so hot...”

I'm going to stop you right there.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.