the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

Thanos is the most efficient creature in the universe

He killed billions of birds with 6 stones

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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap.

It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis

The brain is one of the complex things in the universe.

It’s no wonder why so many never learned to use it.

Technically every person's life begins the same way the universe did:

With a big bang

Girl you tryna be a universe?

Cause all you need is space and time

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In an alternate universe, Peter Parker...

is unaffected by the spider bite, but the spider becomes more human-like, becoming verbal and bipedal and able to snort cocaine off a hooker's ass.

Three men were asked what the fastest thing in the universe was

The first man said light, the second man said thought
And the third man said diarrhoea, when asked why he thought that, he replied, when you have diarrhoea you don’t have time to turn on the light or even think

what's so strong and powerful it can withstand the biggest thing in the universe

my zipper

The Miss Universe pageant is definitely rigged.

The winners are always from Earth.

What Is The Rarest Element In The Universe?

Unobtanium

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and t...

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One day, little Susie was sitting in Sunday School

Susie was a good kid who liked to pay attention in here sunday school bible classes. The only problem was the she sat in front of the class delinquent, Joe. While the teacher was teaching, she decided to ask the class a question to make sure all the kids were paying attention.


"So class, ...

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

But if you remove it, you get gravy.

Why did Spiderman hate driving in the city with his evil twin from the mirror universe?

Because he was a bad parallel Parker.

I think allah is the one true god.

I mean the universe did start with a big explosion.

Why can’t you buy the universe?

Because it’s too expansive.

How does Trump change a light bulb?

He holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the universe to revolve around him.

What’s the name of the Frozen/Marvel Universe crossover movie?

Thaw

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

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How do they call a tentacle porn in a Harry Potter universe?

Squidditch

How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

Another Universe

My friend: did you find a gf?

Me: yeah

My friend: where is she?

Me: in another universe.

My friend: so how did you two meet?

Me: through a warmhole.

The sad truth is, there’s a lot in our universe that we don’t understand...

Physicists need to stop trying to put a positive spin on it.

Mike and jake went camping...

They put the tent up and went to sleep

Mike woke up and said: hey look at the sky what do you see

Jake: I see the stars

Mike: what does that mean

Jake: the universe is huge and it has all these stars and planets around them

Mike: no the tent is stolen

Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.

Jesus and Saint Peter come down to earth to see how things are going.

After traveling all day through the universe they arrive after dark near an old farmhouse.

Not wanting to freak out the farmer, they decide to sleep in the barn.

Jesus says to Peter, ”I am going to sleep upstairs in the hayloft and you stay down here. And when you are comfortable, si...

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

You know, a baby and the universe are pretty similar

I mean, both started with a bang

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As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

Scientists- Only a tiny percentage of universe is observable, the rest is beyond our reach.

Women after Breakup - I've seen it all.

A woman is the only object that defies the laws of the universe

The heavier they get, the easier they are to pick up.

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What does the universe's largest known star VY Canis Majoris & a Labia Majora have in common?

They both lead to black holes

Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what ...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Why was 42 the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Because it's the most fortuitous number.

What’s the biggest lie in the universe?

“I have read and agreed to the Terms & Conditions”

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

A Star Trek forum exists where Trekkies can debate additions to the universe's lore.

It's called Prose and Khans.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'...

It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

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Indian guy is in dire trouble.

His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.

He's so desperate that he decides to ask Lord Vishnu for help. He goes to the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Vishnu, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Pleas...

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Who is the greatest Herbologist in all of the star wars universe?

Yoda, two green thumbs he has.

What do you call a shemale in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Ex-Men.

Which social network do Sith Lords prefer using as they dominate the universe?

MySpace

Bought a universal remote controller the other day and i was very disappointed that it did not in fact control the universe.

Not even remotely.

Little Johnny pokes Jenny

A teacher asks the students the following questions

"Who created the universe?"

Johnny, who's sitting behind Jenny, pokes her with a pencil.

Jenny exclaims "Oh, God!!"

Teacher says "Excellent, Jenny".

The teacher then asks again, "Who was the son of God?"

Jo...

Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze

We'll be 0K!

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.

They forgot to mention morons.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.

Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.

"Watson...

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

Even if the universe ended in a big freeze

We'd be 0K

Somewhere in an alternate universe...

A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the ‘Human Dance.’

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