Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.

The Eternals are the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe

They were the only team powerful enough to destroy the franchise

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

Why didn't the redneck purchase the universe?

Way too expansive.

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

How much matter is in the universe?

All of it.

What do humans and the universe have in common?

Both started with a big bang

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get...

Gravy.

It makes sense that the universe is actually a hot waifu

No wonder life is so hard.

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

It was a sad and disappointing day

when I discovered my universal remote control did not in fact control the universe.
Not even remotely.

"When was it proven that the universe is predeterministic?"

"Tomorrow"

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”

As a philosopher I believe in the infinite universes theory

So there’s a universe where I didn’t commit 3 dozen war crimes against the children of Djibouti

Like humans look for intelligent civilizations in the universe

There must be an ultra intelligent alien civilization, looking for intelligent life. Maybe they have already found us but not contacted because they were looking for intelligent life.

What's the difference between the universe and a German Autobahn (highway)?

The universe has a speed limit

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

How many egotistical people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, they hold the light bulb, and the universe revolves around them.

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

"What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almig...

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

Why can't any billionaires buy the universe?

Because it's too *expansive*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the sexiest things in the universe?

Clouds. They get all the girls wet.

Sentient meat

2 Aliens meeting on their starship after a scan of the solar system:

Are there any lifeforms in that solar system

Well it's difficult to really explain

What do you mean

They're made out of meat.

Meat?

Meat. They're made out of meat.

Meat?

There...

Today I pulled a key off my keyboard [long]

Today I pulled one of the CTRL keys from my keyboard and was shocked to find myself looking down at the entire universe: stars planets, black holes, the whole thing was right there beneath my keyboard.

I was so shocked I called a friend in to show her. After five minutes of gazing into total...

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

There's a Miss Philadelphia contest, there's a Miss Pennsylvania contest, a Miss America contest and even a Miss Universe contest....

I wonder why the town of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania has never had a beauty contest?

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

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Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

What do you call two universes that collided?

Diverse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?

Because Earth Girls Are Easy!

(if you grew up in the 80s you should get it.)

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an alternate universe, the Japanese conquered Rome!

Now I have to read about the "Ancient RAMEN empire" in my history books.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fastest thing in the universe

Four friends were discussing in a bar what would be, in their opinion, the fastest thing in the universe.

The first friend says :"it's obviously the light, it can fast travel through the universe in a short amount of time".

The second friend says instead:" Meh... It surely is the thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A long time ago in alternative universe far, far away, Grand Moff Tarkin is having sex with Princess Leia.

'Come!' she whispers breathlessly.

'Ejaculate?!' he cries. 'In my moment of triumph?'

How do you make a Universe party?

You planet.

“When the universe was very young, it was so hot...”

I'm going to stop you right there.

My ex was like the universe to me.

Cold, vast and uncaring.

what's so strong and powerful it can withstand the biggest thing in the universe

my zipper

The brain is one of the complex things in the universe.

It’s no wonder why so many never learned to use it.

My wife is basically my whole universe...

She used to be a lot smaller and hotter, but for some reason, she just keeps expanding.

The sad thing is, eventually, there’ll be parts of her I can see now that I’ll never see again!

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