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Universe Jokes

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Thor cruises the universe looking for the perfect woman.

He eventually comes to Earth. He spots this amazing-looking woman in a club, so he asks her if she wants a drink.

"Yeth I'd love a drink she replies".

A bit later Thor asks her to dance.

"Yeth, I'd love to dance " she replies.

In the end Thor decides to ask her back to ...

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

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NASA recently discovered the man with the largest penis in the universe

But they said it wasn't an appropriate thing to put on my resume, and I didn't get the job.

I think this 'Miss Universe' contest is rigged.

I mean, every one of the contestants is from Earth.
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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

When I look at my wife, she reminds me of the Universe

As she gets older, she gets wider and less hot.
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What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)
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How much mass-energy is in the Universe?

All of it.
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The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke
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In a parallel Universe

Hey Will your slap is so weak you should let your wife's other husbands do it
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Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...
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somewhere in a alternate universe

A patron at a restaurant is asking for "new coke" and the waiter is saying "is clear Pepsi ok"?
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The Universe Is Perfected

Genie: You have three wishes.

Man: Make every word four letters.

Geni: Okay?

Mann: Make evry word strt andd endd with “b”

BenB: Bkab?

Banb: Bakb bheb bidb bwob btrb bofb bacb borb “o”

Boob: Boob

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What is the best-known sex position in the Harry Potter universe?

Dobby style.

I find Miss Universe contest very suspicious

How come, every single year some one from our planet wins?
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The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...
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I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied
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Some people worry about the heat death of the universe…

But it will all be 0K.
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Why can’t you live at the end of the universe?

Not enough space
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A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...
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The last sentence spoken before the end of the universe was by a scientist

it was something like: "*let's try this and see how it goes!*"
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Thanos appears in the Universe of Steven Universe

He snaps his fingers and half of Steven is gone.
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How do you destroy the DC universe?

You get a hired Gunn
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Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...
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the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron
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Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...
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How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe?

Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.
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Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze

We'll be 0K!
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What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...
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Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.
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Why didn't the redneck purchase the universe?

Way too expansive.
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Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.
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If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K
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2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes highe...
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Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in our universe but if you remove it you get gravy

also austria is not part of nato
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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"
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39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though
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The Eternals are the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe

They were the only team powerful enough to destroy the franchise
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Why can't any billionaires buy the universe?

Because it's too *expansive*
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What do humans and the universe have in common?

Both started with a big bang
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What are the sexiest things in the universe?

Clouds. They get all the girls wet.

The Miss Universe pageant is fixed.

All the winners are from Earth.
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"When was it proven that the universe is predeterministic?"

"Tomorrow"
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Like humans look for intelligent civilizations in the universe

There must be an ultra intelligent alien civilization, looking for intelligent life. Maybe they have already found us but not contacted because they were looking for intelligent life.
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Girl you tryna be a universe?

Cause all you need is space and time
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Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state
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Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?

Because Earth Girls Are Easy!

(if you grew up in the 80s you should get it.)
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The fastest thing in the universe

Four friends were discussing in a bar what would be, in their opinion, the fastest thing in the universe.

The first friend says :"it's obviously the light, it can fast travel through the universe in a short amount of time".

The second friend says instead:" Meh... It surely is the thoug...

What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe?

The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
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Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.
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How do you make a Universe party?

You planet.
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How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*
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According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal
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Somewhere in an alternate universe...

A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the ‘Human Dance.’
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What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions
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Why is the universe expanding?

Because it's trying to get the fuck away from Earth.


(Original, hope ya like it!)

It makes sense that the universe is actually a hot waifu

No wonder life is so hard.
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What's the difference between the universe and a German Autobahn (highway)?

The universe has a speed limit
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My ex was like the universe to me.

Cold, vast and uncaring.
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My wife is basically my whole universe...

She used to be a lot smaller and hotter, but for some reason, she just keeps expanding.

The sad thing is, eventually, there’ll be parts of her I can see now that I’ll never see again!
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Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...

... they are calling them "parallelograms".
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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

“When the universe was very young, it was so hot...”

I'm going to stop you right there.
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