UPJOKE
galaxyplanetstarspacematterearthmilky wayspace-timeenergydimensionexistenceredshiftdark matterantimattermultiverse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the best-known sex position in the Harry Potter universe?

Dobby style.

The last sentence spoken before the end of the universe was by a scientist

it was something like: "*let's try this and see how it goes!*"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thor cruises the universe looking for the perfect woman.

He eventually comes to Earth. He spots this amazing-looking woman in a club, so he asks her if she wants a drink.

"Yeth I'd love a drink she replies".

A bit later Thor asks her to dance.

"Yeth, I'd love to dance " she replies.

In the end Thor decides to ask her back to ...

I think this 'Miss Universe' contest is rigged.

I mean, every one of the contestants is from Earth.

Why can’t you live at the end of the universe?

Not enough space

All of a sudden, the Marvel, DC, and Image Comics universes merged into one.

In no time at all, the superheroes joined forces and managed to capture all of the villains and throw them in prison with those special de-powering collars they used in Deadpool 2.

Imagine Magneto's frustration as he was led into a cell and locked up behind metal bars, which normally would be...

I spent hours looking up at the stars, wondering if the universe was infinite

Fine night

Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in our universe but if you remove it you get gravy

also austria is not part of nato

somewhere in a alternate universe

A patron at a restaurant is asking for "new coke" and the waiter is saying "is clear Pepsi ok"?

I find Miss Universe contest very suspicious

How come, every single year some one from our planet wins?

A man has a vision of God

God says to the man "You may ask three questions of me."

The man thinks hard, and says "God, the universe is so old...how do you keep track of it?"

God says "My child, to me a million years is only one second."

The man thinks again, and says "God, why do so many rich people forg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Universe Is Perfected

Genie: You have three wishes.

Man: Make every word four letters.

Geni: Okay?

Mann: Make evry word strt andd endd with “b”

BenB: Bkab?

Banb: Bakb bheb bidb bwob btrb bofb bacb borb “o”

Boob: Boob

Have you heard of this thing called 'Hyperbole'?

Holy S#!t, it's the best goddamn thing in the entire universe.

In the grand multiverse, there's a universe where Morbius is the best movie of all time.

And we're living in that universe.

Morb out.

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"

In a parallel Universe

Hey Will your slap is so weak you should let your wife's other husbands do it

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.

What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

The Eternals are the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe

They were the only team powerful enough to destroy the franchise

Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

a programmer and astronaut walk into a bar

Astronaut: we are just tiny dots in this vast universe. What we do is insignificant. Why should we even do anything ? What's the point ?

Programmer: I should stop making these simulations so real.

What do humans and the universe have in common?

Both started with a big bang

Why didn't the redneck purchase the universe?

Way too expansive.

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

How much matter is in the universe?

All of it.

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decided to flirt with a woman

Unfortunately, on his way to her table, he tripped and broke his leg, 3 tables, and his confidence in a single move.

She rushed over concerned and he frantically thought of ways to recover.

Then it hit him. It was as if the secrets of all the Universe had been revealed. He smiled in an...

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

It makes sense that the universe is actually a hot waifu

No wonder life is so hard.

What's the difference between the universe and a German Autobahn (highway)?

The universe has a speed limit

"When was it proven that the universe is predeterministic?"

"Tomorrow"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the sexiest things in the universe?

Clouds. They get all the girls wet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are talking about dc vs marvel

P1: Dude i cant watch dc movies they're too dark.

P2: Well to be fair so is marvel. Thanos killed half the universe.

P1: No like they're literally too dark I cant fucking see anything

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

Why can't any billionaires buy the universe?

Because it's too *expansive*

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

Cor fed devil

Man sees a corn field and decides to try and walk to the middle of it. The man reaches the middle and sees the devil himself. The man asks “what are you doing here?” “well I have a challenge for you and if you get it wrong your soul is forfeit,” the devil said. The man of course agrees and the devil...

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze

We'll be 0K!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?

Because Earth Girls Are Easy!

(if you grew up in the 80s you should get it.)

what's so strong and powerful it can withstand the biggest thing in the universe

my zipper

“When the universe was very young, it was so hot...”

I'm going to stop you right there.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.