If Thanos feels sad about the Universe again...

...tell him to snap out of it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they call a tentacle porn in a Harry Potter universe?

Squidditch

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

But if you remove it, you get gravy.

What’s the name of the Frozen/Marvel Universe crossover movie?

Thaw

What happens when the universe cusses?

The Big Dang

The sad truth is, there’s a lot in our universe that we don’t understand...

Physicists need to stop trying to put a positive spin on it.

In an alternate universe where Trump does morning traffic

“There’s no collision, no obstruction of traffic”

A woman is the only object that defies the laws of the universe

The heavier they get, the easier they are to pick up.

You know, a baby and the universe are pretty similar

I mean, both started with a bang

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Parallel universes are a cool concept

but there’s no way I could park in one.

Scientists- Only a tiny percentage of universe is observable, the rest is beyond our reach.

Women after Breakup - I've seen it all.

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

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What does the universe's largest known star VY Canis Majoris & a Labia Majora have in common?

They both lead to black holes

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

A Star Trek forum exists where Trekkies can debate additions to the universe's lore.

It's called Prose and Khans.

Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

Who is the greatest Herbologist in all of the star wars universe?

Yoda, two green thumbs he has.

Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.

Why was 42 the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Because it's the most fortuitous number.

After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

What do you call a shemale in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Ex-Men.

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Just wrote this poem

Everyone gather together

Put aside what you are doing

See this lyric, feel the weather

Take a second for the viewing.

Everyone gather together

In this house we all are one.

No discrimination, son.

Did I say a house we're in?

It's a prostitution...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Even if the universe ended in a big freeze

We'd be 0K

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Little Johnny is sitting in class behind a girl named April

The teacher asks “who created the universe”
Little Johnny poked April with his pencil and April yelled “MY GOD”
the teacher replied with “ yes, god did create the universe”
Then the teacher asked another question “where do you go when you live a good life after you die”
Little Johnny pok...

James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

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Sherlock and Watson go camping

They set up their tent and crawl inside. At about 3:00 in the morning Sherlock woke Watson up.

Sherlock: Watson look up. What do you see

Watson: Stars

Sherlock: And what do you think that means?

Watson: Well it makes me think that maybe...just maybe... with a universe tha...

What’s the biggest lie in the universe?

“I have read and agreed to the Terms & Conditions”

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.

They forgot to mention morons.

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A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are 3,141,592 parallel universes where I have sex with yo momma..

Strangely enough in every single one of them she’s so fat...

Somewhere in an alternate universe...

A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the ‘Human Dance.’

Nuclei and Electrons are the original hipsters of the universe.

They were hydrogen before it was cool.

Time (stolen from a friend)

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective"
"
"You're still bloody late" replied my boss

An American patriot told me, “These colors don’t run.”

Well actually yes they do. Faster than anything else in the universe: the speed of light.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what...

Some individuals understand the most complicated things in the universe...

I'm sitting here trying to figure out my electricity bill.

What do you call a dinosaur who seeks to be one with the universe?

Philosopher raptor

My friend just came back from his holiday to the coldest place in the universe.

He told me it was 0K

If Baby Groot was sent to Winnie the Pooh's universe, what would his new name be?

Twiglet.

The number of sentient lifeforms in the universe is at least 7.5 billion.

The amount of intelligent life, however, is highly disputed, and some people argue that none have been found.

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe?

Galactose

Allah must be the only God in the universe

I mean, Earth was created with a Big Bang

If there's one thing I hate more than anything else in the entire universe

...it's hyperbole

In an alternate universe, Lara Croft works in an abortion clinic...

She is called the Womb Raider

At the begining of time, there was nothing, then God created the Universe...

He thought it was a beautiful creation, so he decided to create planet Earth.

He though it was a beautiful creation, so he decided to create nature.

He thought it was a beautiful creation. To manage all that, he created men.

He thought they were beautiful creation. To enhance th...

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

Zen joke

Student: Master, I've forgotten all of my zen training, lost inner peace, and now feel disconnected from the present, haunted by the past, afraid of the future, and dissimilar from the universe and all its life forms.

Master: What? Were you thinking?!

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