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Universe Jokes

When I look at my wife, she reminds me of the Universe

As she gets older, she gets wider and less hot.

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What is the best-known sex position in the Harry Potter universe?

Dobby style.

Some people worry about the heat death of the universe…

But it will all be 0K.

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Thor cruises the universe looking for the perfect woman.

He eventually comes to Earth. He spots this amazing-looking woman in a club, so he asks her if she wants a drink.

"Yeth I'd love a drink she replies".

A bit later Thor asks her to dance.

"Yeth, I'd love to dance " she replies.

In the end Thor decides to ask her back to ...

I think this 'Miss Universe' contest is rigged.

I mean, every one of the contestants is from Earth.

The last sentence spoken before the end of the universe was by a scientist

it was something like: "*let's try this and see how it goes!*"

Why can’t you live at the end of the universe?

Not enough space

Holmes and Watson are out camping in the woods one night

As they're looking up at the night sky, Holmes asks, "Doctor, what do you think when you look at the night sky?"

Watson replied, "Well, sir, I first imagine all the stars I can see, and all the emptiness between them. It really brings home our insignificance in the grand scheme of the univer...

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

How do you destroy the DC universe?

You get a hired Gunn

I spent hours looking up at the stars, wondering if the universe was infinite

Fine night

somewhere in a alternate universe

A patron at a restaurant is asking for "new coke" and the waiter is saying "is clear Pepsi ok"?

I find Miss Universe contest very suspicious

How come, every single year some one from our planet wins?

Which event on earth do aliens hate the most?

Miss Universe

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in our universe but if you remove it you get gravy

also austria is not part of nato

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

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The Universe Is Perfected

Genie: You have three wishes.

Man: Make every word four letters.

Geni: Okay?

Mann: Make evry word strt andd endd with “b”

BenB: Bkab?

Banb: Bakb bheb bidb bwob btrb bofb bacb borb “o”

Boob: Boob

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

So this guy walks into a church...

So this guy walks into a church. He goes up to the priest and says: “Look, I’m struggling a lot lately, trying to understand the universe, and our place in existence and all that. None of the stories I’ve heard satisfy me. Can you just tell me honestly – where did this world come from?”

The p...

What do humans and the universe have in common?

Both started with a big bang

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*

The Eternals are the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe

They were the only team powerful enough to destroy the franchise

A man has a vision of God

God says to the man "You may ask three questions of me."

The man thinks hard, and says "God, the universe is so old...how do you keep track of it?"

God says "My child, to me a million years is only one second."

The man thinks again, and says "God, why do so many rich people forg...

How much matter is in the universe?

All of it.

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

Why didn't the redneck purchase the universe?

Way too expansive.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping.

As they lay down in their sleeping bags, Sherlock calls out to Watson and says 'The stars are quite visible this evening. What do you think that means?'

Watson replies, 'Well, I think it means that there's a whole universe out there that remains unexplored and filled with mysteries and world...

Have you heard of this thing called 'Hyperbole'?

Holy S#!t, it's the best goddamn thing in the entire universe.

What's the difference between the universe and a German Autobahn (highway)?

The universe has a speed limit

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

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Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

It makes sense that the universe is actually a hot waifu

No wonder life is so hard.

"When was it proven that the universe is predeterministic?"

"Tomorrow"

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

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What are the sexiest things in the universe?

Clouds. They get all the girls wet.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Like humans look for intelligent civilizations in the universe

There must be an ultra intelligent alien civilization, looking for intelligent life. Maybe they have already found us but not contacted because they were looking for intelligent life.

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze

We'll be 0K!

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