What do you call two universes that collided?

Diverse.

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

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Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

There's a Miss Philadelphia contest, there's a Miss Pennsylvania contest, a Miss America contest and even a Miss Universe contest....

I wonder why the town of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania has never had a beauty contest?

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

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Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

Somewhere in an alternate universe...

Two flies are having a vp debate and a Mike Pence lands on one.

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?

Because Earth Girls Are Easy!

(if you grew up in the 80s you should get it.)

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

“When the universe was very young, it was so hot...”

I'm going to stop you right there.

I bought a universal remote today - and I'm rather dissatisfied...

It does not control the Universe. Not even remotely.

I actually come from a parallel universe where Earth was destroyed by Larry the Cable Guy.

We called the event “Arma-Git-R-Done.”

My ex was like the universe to me.

Cold, vast and uncaring.

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A long time ago in alternative universe far, far away, Grand Moff Tarkin is having sex with Princess Leia.

'Come!' she whispers breathlessly.

'Ejaculate?!' he cries. 'In my moment of triumph?'

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The fastest thing in the universe

Four friends were discussing in a bar what would be, in their opinion, the fastest thing in the universe.

The first friend says :"it's obviously the light, it can fast travel through the universe in a short amount of time".

The second friend says instead:" Meh... It surely is the thoug...

My wife is basically my whole universe...

She used to be a lot smaller and hotter, but for some reason, she just keeps expanding.

The sad thing is, eventually, there’ll be parts of her I can see now that I’ll never see again!

Thanos is the most efficient creature in the universe

He killed billions of birds with 6 stones

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."

"You're still late" replied my boss.

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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

How do you make a Universe Party?

You planet

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Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap.

It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis

The brain is one of the complex things in the universe.

It’s no wonder why so many never learned to use it.

Girl you tryna be a universe?

Cause all you need is space and time

what's so strong and powerful it can withstand the biggest thing in the universe

my zipper

What does god call one verse of his song?

A universe

What do you call an assault rifle in the Harry Potter Universe?

A JK47

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

But if you remove it, you get gravy.

Why can’t you buy the universe?

Because it’s too expansive.

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

Three men were asked what the fastest thing in the universe was

The first man said light, the second man said thought
And the third man said diarrhoea, when asked why he thought that, he replied, when you have diarrhoea you don’t have time to turn on the light or even think

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Trump is playing golf with a nun

Trump waddles up to the tee, puts down his ball, addresses the ball, swings mightily and misses.
"God dammit I missed" he shouts.
The nun looks stern, but says nothing.
Trump again lines up with the ball, swings, misses.
"GOD DAMMIT I MISSED" he shouts again.
Again the nun looks u...

The Monk and The Cow

A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the mo...

A surgeon, a farmer, an engineer, and a lawyer are arguing over whose career is the best.

"I think surgery is the best career because it's the oldest!" said the surgeon.

"What makes you say that?" asked the farmer.

"Well," said the surgeon, "God removed a rib from Adam and turned it into Eve."

"You are forgetting one thing," said the farmer. "Before God even created ...

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

A genie approaches a man and tells him:

"You have one"
"oh" says the man "I wan a happy meal"
"What? I have the power to flip this planet upside down, create a new species, destroy the universe, I'm a god if you didn't know... and you ask for a happy meal?"
"Hmm... I want to know the release date of Cyberpunk 2077"
"Wo...

Why did Spiderman hate driving in the city with his evil twin from the mirror universe?

Because he was a bad parallel Parker.

How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

You know, a baby and the universe are pretty similar

I mean, both started with a bang

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

Oh no, the universe just imploded itself!

No matter.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.


"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."


...

After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

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