If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

How much matter is in the universe?

All of it.

What do humans and the universe have in common?

Both started with a big bang

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get...

Gravy.

It makes sense that the universe is actually a hot waifu

No wonder life is so hard.

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*

As a philosopher I believe in the infinite universes theory

So there’s a universe where I didn’t commit 3 dozen war crimes against the children of Djibouti

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

What's the difference between the universe and a German Autobahn (highway)?

The universe has a speed limit

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

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Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

News: Scientists have finally discovered Dark Matter doesn't exist.

Instead, your mother's mass has been keeping our galaxy together, and prevented the stars in it from being sent out into the infinite universe.

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

Why did the valet hate being in an alternate universe?

Because it was all parallel parking!

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

What do you call two universes that collided?

Diverse.

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Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?

Because Earth Girls Are Easy!

(if you grew up in the 80s you should get it.)

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. (Long)

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. He sat amidst billions upon billions upon billions, which surrounded him. He alone, at the end of time, bore witness to the Great Library, the vast repository of consciousness in Universe.

Before him was a pile of similar cubes. These cub...

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

A philosopher and a driver

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture....

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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

My ex was like the universe to me.

Cold, vast and uncaring.

An Alien Doctor

It's year 5038, and humans are living together with various alien civilizations across the universe.

One day, a human mother and her human son visited an alien doctor. The son had a rare interstellar desease. The doctor performed a surgery on him.

After several hours, surgery came to e...

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A long time ago in alternative universe far, far away, Grand Moff Tarkin is having sex with Princess Leia.

'Come!' she whispers breathlessly.

'Ejaculate?!' he cries. 'In my moment of triumph?'

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The fastest thing in the universe

Four friends were discussing in a bar what would be, in their opinion, the fastest thing in the universe.

The first friend says :"it's obviously the light, it can fast travel through the universe in a short amount of time".

The second friend says instead:" Meh... It surely is the thoug...

The brain is one of the complex things in the universe.

It’s no wonder why so many never learned to use it.

Girl you tryna be a universe?

Cause all you need is space and time

“When the universe was very young, it was so hot...”

I'm going to stop you right there.

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."

"You're still late" replied my boss.

My wife is basically my whole universe...

She used to be a lot smaller and hotter, but for some reason, she just keeps expanding.

The sad thing is, eventually, there’ll be parts of her I can see now that I’ll never see again!

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

what's so strong and powerful it can withstand the biggest thing in the universe

my zipper

Technically every person's life begins the same way the universe did:

With a big bang

Every group of friends has that one friend that's actually living in a 'Truman Show' type universe where everyone they interact with is secretly an actor.

If you dont know who it is...

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent set up, both men fell asleep.

A few hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger.

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what do you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies "I see a beautiful clear sky with millions of stars".

"What does that tell you?" Asked Tonto....

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

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