You know, a baby and the universe are pretty similar

I mean, both started with a bang

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

A Star Trek forum exists where Trekkies can debate additions to the universe's lore.

It's called Prose and Khans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the universe's largest known star VY Canis Majoris & a Labia Majora have in common?

They both lead to black holes

Where can you find the best jokes in the entire universe?

The best jokes are always in the comets

The universe implodes

No matter

Who is the greatest Herbologist in all of the star wars universe?

Yoda, two green thumbs he has.

Which social network do Sith Lords prefer using as they dominate the universe?

MySpace

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

What do you call a shemale in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Ex-Men.

Allah is probably the true god

Because the universe started with an explosion...

What’s the biggest lie in the universe?

“I have read and agreed to the Terms & Conditions”

James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

Some individuals understand the most complicated things in the universe...

I'm sitting here trying to figure out my electricity bill.

Even if the universe ended in a big freeze

We'd be 0K

Why was 42 the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Because it's the most fortuitous number.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.

They forgot to mention morons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are 3,141,592 parallel universes where I have sex with yo momma..

Strangely enough in every single one of them she’s so fat...

Nuclei and Electrons are the original hipsters of the universe.

They were hydrogen before it was cool.

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

My friend just came back from his holiday to the coldest place in the universe.

He told me it was 0K

Somewhere in an alternate universe...

A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the ‘Human Dance.’

If Baby Groot was sent to Winnie the Pooh's universe, what would his new name be?

Twiglet.

In an alternate universe, the 2016 Presidential Election didn’t go as planned...

Let’s say it’s an alternate universe. The race is in between Bernie, Hilary, and Donald for position of POTUS. But since no one liked any of the candidates, nobody voted. Absolutely nobody. So Congress decides that this will be settled with an ACTUAL Presidential race. As in, the three candidates h...

In an alternate universe, Lara Croft works in an abortion clinic...

She is called the Womb Raider

Allah must be the only God in the universe

I mean, Earth was created with a Big Bang

If there's one thing I hate more than anything else in the entire universe

...it's hyperbole

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

What do you call a dinosaur who seeks to be one with the universe?

Philosopher raptor

What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe?

Galactose

When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules....

What's the relationship between the universe and your mom?

The universe expands to be as big as your mom

What's the fastest moving thing in the known universe?

A Christian relationship.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand

But basic dialogue... is for prose.

An astronaut who travelled to the edge of the universe noticed an anomalous reading...

...his shuttle readings came back to inform him there was a flat solid matter extending from his location to the universe's horizon, like a path.

He approached cautiously but a black hole suddenly formed behind the ship. The spacecraft went haywire, lights blinking, alarms blaring and he bare...

Thanos appears in the Universe of Steven Universe

He snaps his fingers and half of Steven is gone.

What is the most dishonest thing in the Universe?

Matter, it makes everything up.

I was trying to think of what the universe was like before the big bang.

Nothing came to mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the universe expanding?

Because it's trying to get the fuck away from Earth.


(Original, hope ya like it!)

How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe?

Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

Do you know what’s more powerful than a mind that understands the deepest reaches of the universe?

ALS

Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.

Which app does Thanos use to communicate with half of the universe? (Infinity War Spoilers)

Snapchat

People say I'm crazy for asking my watch the answers to the mysteries of the universe

I believe I'll be vindicated some day. Only time will tell.

Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she l...

What operating system is most popular in the Marvel universe?

ThanOS.

What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe?

The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

Where is the largest synagogue in the universe?

Jew-piter

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

Dark Matter is like the EA DLC of the Universe

95% of the content hidden away from the main game without first lots of grinding and getting a sense of pride and accomplishment to unlock it

cc r/outside

Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...

... they are calling them "parallelograms".

Maybe the universe is like a giant party...

and the planets just awkwardly follow the sun around because they don't know anyone.

Miss Universe is rigged and I always know who’s going to win before it even starts

The winner has always been a contestant from planet Earth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call masturbation in the Star Wars universe?

A hand solo

Love holds the universe together.

Just kidding. It's dark matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 aliens patrolling the universe looking for intelligent life.

There are these 2 aliens, one new and one seasoned regarding searching the universe for intelligent life.

They come across earth and decide to land out of all places the desert. They are walking for what seems like miles in search of any intelligent life when they come across a gas station.<...

Why aren't trains in the Cars universe?

Because they cause a low commotion.

Miss France just won Miss Universe

The French finally won something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everything is at stake during this year's Ms Universe final. But Ms Kenya keeps stepping on Ms Australia's foot...

Ah! Kenya fucken not mate!

What language do delivery drivers speak in the Harry Potter universe?

Parcel tongue

As a German, I sympathize with the unnamed masses of the Star Wars universe.

For I too know what it's like to be betrayed by an evil Chancellor.

[NSFW] Why was Captain Kirk banned from brothels around the universe?

Because one time, he took a hooker and shatner.

I'm so sorry, I know its bad but I had to get it out of my head.

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