UPJOKE
hypothesisideaconceptexplanationphilosophynaturelogicpossibilityreasonconjecturetheoremtheoreticalprinciplephilosophicalnotion

The theory goes, that surnames often come from the job of your ancestors.

What on earth did "Dickinson" do?!

(Credit to Jason Manford)

A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won't admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.

While she's standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, "What's for dinner, dear?"

When there's no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.

Again there's no response, so he moves right to his wife's shoulder and asks: "What's for dinner, de...

Einstein was pleasuring himself when he came up with the theory of relativity.

Stroke of genius.

Which scientific theory is someone from Alabama’s favorite?

General Relativity

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory

(English is my second language here but I will try to do my best, it is probably funnier in my language- A rephrase is welcomed!)

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory. The religious man was trying to convince the scientist that facts are more clearer than the sci...

Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?

It's obviously a pyramid scheme.

What's the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?

Currently, about 6 months...

I have a theory that confirmation bias doesn't really exist

and I've found an obscure study that proves it.

Flat-earthers have heard their theory is spreading around the globe

They don't believe it.

Einstein: I finally finished my theory about space.

Mrs. Einstein: It’s about time.

Einstein: Wow! How did you know that?

I Like Jung's Theory of the Collective Unconscious

I think we're all asleep at the wheel!

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A congressman's son asks his sister "what's the difference between theory and practice?"

She goes to their father and asks "hey dad, would you take a 10 million dollars donation to vote against a gun control law?"

"Yes, I think I can do a lot of good with this kind of money" the father replies.

"Now see?" she says to her brother, "In theory, we are multi millionaires. In p...

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the o...

What do you call a theory about the ocean?

A conspira-sea.

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

Say what you will about flat earth theory

But last time I checked all the water on the surface of the earth isn't carbonated

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

In theory if rich countries sent poor countries enough boostraps, they could pull themselves out of poverty

By selling them

Socialism sounds great in theory...

But in practice, you just gonna get couped by the CIA.

I've heard a theory that the dinosaurs died out because their eggs became rotten.

It was a mass egg-stink-tion!

Was Einstein's theory good?

Relatively

As a Final Fantasy fan, I always wondered why Big Bang Theory only ever referenced the Third Level Spell.

They never even mention Bazin and Bazinra.

I have a theory as to why the Cybertruck is taking so long to get in production:

They are experiencing an Elon-gated Delay!

Why did Reddit mods take down Darwin’s theory of evolution post?

The link was missing

Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

Why didn't Newton discover group theory?

The reasom is because he wasn't Abel

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

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Explain the difference between theory and relativity

Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks...

My theory in why gordon Ramsey's kids aremt his

Because he doesnt like it raw

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

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A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

The difference between theory & reality.

A boy was given a essay to write about the difference between theory and reality.

Struggling to come up with a explanation he asked his dad who said to him that he could lend a hand with this one.

The father told him "go find your mother and ask her if she would sleep with the window c...

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Professor of Logic: Norm Macdonald

Just the other week I had someone move next to me. Original neighbor died of cancer about a three month ago. So as the great neighbor I am I go to greet my new neighbor I say “Hey there uhh neighbor just dropping by to say hello, say what do you do for a living?”

He says “Nice to meet you. Im...

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I have this theory about my sex life lately

Actually, it’s more of a hypothesis since I have no physical evidence to suggest it even exists.

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

What is Putin's philosophy?

Vlad Earth Theory.

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You’ve heard of the theory of the famous Cocktail dress? Two vodkas and it’s off. But have you heard of the American dress?

One yank and it’s down

Einstein: Dad, my paper on the Theory of Relativity finally got published!!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time!

Anyone want to help start a new conspiracy theory themed cafeteria style restaurant?

We’ll call it “Queue A Nom Nom”

My brother is a big believer in Flat Earth Theory

but he is starting to come around.

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

The only conspiracy theory I believe in is the one about Barbie's boyfriend disappearing in the woods

Kentrails

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

I'm very good at math I can do number theory, combinatorics, but I cant bring myself to do graphs

That's where I draw the line

Flat Earth theory debunked

We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat because if it was cats would have tossed everything off the edge already.

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein proposed The Theory of Relativity.

Feels like only yesterday.

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The theory of evolution states that all species are related to a common ancestor

So no officer I dont think its "disgusting" that I'm dating a raccoon

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Sitting on a cloud in Heaven, Einstein tries to explain Hitler relativity theory. When finished, Einstein asks Hitler "Did you get me?"

"No," replies Hitler, "you died of old age."

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A professor was teaching the theory of relativity...

when a late student came into class.

The student asked, "what did I miss?"

"it's about damn time." The professor replied.

If the big bang theory, how I met your mother and two and a half men had ever crossed over it would've been called

How I banged your mother with two and a half men

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A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"

Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke son of a bitch you call ...

Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but...

Is actually just Poor Execution

Birthing theories

3 guys were in a waiting room, their wives in labour.

The first man gets called in. He comes out later and tells the others that it was a boy. He laughs and says "geez I think I got a boy because I was on top at that magic moment".

The second man gets called in, and sometime later, he...

My flat earther friend decided to prove his theory by walking to the end of the world

In the end, he came around.

Yo' mama so fat

Einstein did a separate theory for her.

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A product manager was asked by his son about his work. The father says, "My job is all about the difference between theory and practice." The child didn't understand, so the father said, "Let me give you an example:"

"Go ask your sister if she'd sleep with the neighbor for £1M". Kid goes, returns & says "she's not too happy to but she will for times are tough."

Then the father said: "Now go ask your mom that question" so the child goes, returns and says: "Mom's is not too happy to sleep with the neigh...

What do you call those who believe the QAnon theory?

Capitol hillbillies

There's a theory that people don't see the exact same colors

Does that mean
*color is a pigment of you imagination*

huehuehuehue

My dad finally woke up from his conspiracy theory and realized that cyanide couldn’t kill the coronavirus.

It was a hard pill to swallow

What's every cat's favorite topic in school?

>!String theory!<

There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

I have a theory that if something works optimally, it HAS to be inside a fish.

Everything that's outside a fish wouldn't work the way it should, because it's inafishn't.

There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness

cop didn't see it I didn't do it

I have a conspiracy theory...

The government is spreading false rumors that aluminum-foil hats protect your brain from being scanned. aluminum foil is actually an antenna that allows them to get a better signal.

The guillotine was decent in theory

But amazing in execution.

Why did the political theory class think their teacher was being unfair?

He gave the whole class the same Marx

Scientists have a new theory on how the first laxative was discovered.

It was an accident.

String theory might be the answer to everything...

...but then again, it might knot.

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Kid asks his father the difference between theory and fact,

The father thinks for a bit and tells his son that he can't explain it very well but he can give a very simple example. The father instructs his son to ask his mother and sister if they were willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The son does as told and return to his father with ...

Someone asked me if I would bet on Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of personalityl

I replied I'm all Id

A new conspiracy theory states Priness Diana was actually on the radio shortly after the supposed accident that killed her.

And the windshield, and the dashboard...

^^^^I ^^^^made ^^^^myself ^^^^sad

Probability theory

Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I re...

If I recall correctly, in the mid 1900s, Albert Einstein proposed a new theory on space,

and it was about time, too.

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

“Dad” says son, “what’s the difference between theory and reality”?

“I’ll explain” says Dad. “MOTHER! Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” says mother, giggling.

“DAUGHTER! Would you sleep with Harry Styles for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” she says, blushing.

“There you go son” says Dad. “Theoretically we ...

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