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Everywhere Jokes

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

3 Men die and go to Heaven.... And there are ducks everywhere

St. Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and St. Peter brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does St. Peter also...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

Why are there stricter rules and cameras everywhere in African casinos?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

\[Happy International Cheetah Day\]

An old man went bald but still carries his old comb everywhere with him in his pocket…

He just can’t part with it.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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it's been raining heavily, puddles everywhere.

So a man is walking down the street, it's been tipping down. Puddles everywhere, just very wet.
He keeps walking and spies a duck, the duck is overly confident. The duck asks "how you going guy?"
The man is visibly confused by the talking duck and says *can't believe you can talk. *

The...

I bought a world map for my room, I’m gonna put a pin on everywhere that i’ve travelled…

… but first I gotta travel to the top 2 corners of the map so it won’t fall down.


(Mitch Hedberg 2003)

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

A man was always travelling by plane everywhere. Because of that, he spent so much time on airports he developed an illness.

It was terminal.

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Sexism is everywhere, even botany!

There is a stigma attached to female plants.

What do you call a man from Pakistan who's been everywhere and done everything?

Bindair Dundat

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Everday this little ant carried poop everywhere.

He had a strong fascination with poop and thought everyone would love to see how different each turd looked. So, this little ant put the poop in bags and hung them up all over the town. Finally, one ant who was oblivious to this little ant’s fascination with poop asked, “what is that” as the little ...

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

Blinking lights, presents, reindeer, and snowmen everywhere…

I love Thanksgiving.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

Did you know that Jesus was actually crucified for starting fires everywhere?

He died for arsons.

Everywhere else in the world, a 30 year old women disappearing is called a missing person's case

In Hollywood it's called dying by old age

I keep seeing all these LGBTQ+ Pride signs everywhere.

I ask people what they mean but can never get a straight answer.

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

Every time I turn on my friend’s mustang it sprays this weird fluid everywhere

And apparently he doesn’t want me to come over and take care of his horses anymore

Why did Captain Hook post help wanted posters everywhere?

Because he was short-handed.

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It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall...

... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere

Blankets are everywhere.

That was a blanket statement.

Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

My friend hates it when he sees the Star of David everywhere, but he claims he's not racist

Just anti-semiotic

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

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Everywhere I go men say they want a girl with personality...

Well that was a fucking lie because I have multiple and they still leave me

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time...

The man looks at the tree.

"Only one last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

If trees produced wifi we'd be planting them everywhere...

... too bad they only produce oxygen.

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

Jokes about the coronavirus are everywhere right now

Looks like it’s gone viral

If Muppets everywhere started walking and talking by themselves, that would be quite the...

Phenomena! *doot dooo doo doo do*

Keywords are everywhere

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol

(actual true story) I saw some board games in the middle of the road that must have falled off of a car; the Scrabble box had burst open and there were tiles everywhere.

A case of a wreck tile dysfunction.

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God is everywhere

So a kid is having trouble pulling his wagon up to the hill where there was a tree to collect apples. A half hour passes, and he doesn't know what to do. So a Christian woman happens to pass by and stops to ask what he's doing.

"I'm having trouble. I'm trying to get this wagon up the hill to ...

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…

…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.

Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making...

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Man: Doctor i think i have a problem, everywhere i look i see naked women

Doctor: interesting. Alright let's see. *doctor draws a circle on paper.* What do you see here?

Man: A naked woman

Doctor: Hmm. *draws a rectangle on paper.* And what do you see here?

Man: A naked woman again

Doctor: Alright. *draws a triangle on paper*. And here?

...

Everywhere, we call it Wii and Wii U.

But in France, they call it Yes and Yes U.

What's the most popular sport everywhere except for the US?

Cross country

Whats white, can create people, and is everywhere after a long night?

Snow

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

I take my wife everywhere

But she always finds her way back home

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says. ...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

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Muslims killing gays everywhere....

...rednecks are fucking conflicted now.

Me and my best friend reverse our cars everywhere together.

We go back a long way.

With all the missing paper towels and napkins everywhere...

You could say that right now, I'm a Bounty hunter

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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

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A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island

The only thing on the island besides the three academics is a single can of beans. They are discussing how to get it open.

The physicist suggests that they build a fire and heat up the can until the pressure causes the can to explode.

The chemist says “No, no, the beans will fly eve...

Why did the two racist cops start shooting everywhere?

Because the light was off and the room was black

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

Two men golfing...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns ...

Everywhere I go today, it's been busy

Everyone and their mother is out

What would you tell someone who just peed everywhere?

Urine big trouble

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

Good news for insomniacs everywhere today

Only 7 more sleeps until Christmas!

What do you call a teddy bear who rides a bike everywhere?

Schwinnie The Pooh

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Here's to toilets everywhere....

For putting up with all of our shit

A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop

There is de brie everywhere!

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

I've been looking everywhere for my Leprosy awareness bracelet;

I can never find my left arm when I need it.

There are extreme biases everywhere you look these days, for example..

It's totally okay for everyone paint red freckles on their face for Saint Patrick's Day, but when I wear black face on MLK Day it's a hate crime.

I dreamt of a better world for chickens everywhere.

A world where chickens could cross the road without having their motives questioned.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, everywhere I touch it hurts".

After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "sir, your finger's broken"

Why do Americans spell it as "color", when it is spelt "colour" everywhere else?

Because the Americans don't care about "U".

I just opened a birthday card and rice went flying everywhere

It was from uncle Ben

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any cor...

The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

Just lost my job as a zookeeper

In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

Everywhere I look on the internet, all I see is Corona, Corona, corona

This thing has gone viral.

On this international women’s day I would like to say to all women everywhere

Thank you for your cervix

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

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You wanna know why I've been carrying mirrors everywhere lately?

My therapist says I need more time for reflecting.

What do you call it when you’re milking a cow, and the milk goes everywhere but in the bucket?

Udder chaos

Last year, kitty litter companies everywhere took part in a competition...

a competition for 'who could create the best cat litter'--suggesting there was a 'huge trophy' for first place, but it all went horribly wrong.

They should've known, though, after all the grand prize was just one massive catastrophe.

I bring my Epipen everywhere

It's my greatest treasure. I think my friend really wanted me to have it. He gave it to me right before he died.

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You've likely heard the VISA slogan, "It's everywhere you want to be."

So I guess that means there are a lot of women walking around with credit cards up in their vaginas.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

I took my new puppy for it's first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.

I probably should have started him on something weaker than sambuca

Morbid COVID-19 puns have spread everywhere considering what's going on. So have some patience.

They should start to die in a week or so.

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My dad tells this joke everywhere.

Apparently, my dad feels it's appropriate to tell everyone this joke. Waiters, salesmen, etc.

An American man is on a business trip to Ireland. He decides to take a break from his work and heads to the local pub. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender, being very upfront says, "You se...

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