There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.



He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The t...

A woman is taking a walk on the beach at sunset

when suddenly, her foot hits something hard. (No, not that, stop.) It is a magic lamp! She rubs it and the genie comes out :

\- You who found me, I grant you one wish!

\- Only one? the woman answers, but usually it's three!

\- Yeah yeah I know but these a difficult times for eve...

My wife asked me if I like sunrises or sunsets better. I said,

They both have their ups and downs

Sunset

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

Sometimes I like to just watch the sunset in the park by myself.

I carry a gun with me to keep it that way.

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An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...

Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" he protests

"For 60 years of bad sex!" she says.

They go back to rocking.

A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the le...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

A Blonde Woman, a Ginger Woman, a Brunette Woman, and a Black Haired Woman are Standing in Front of a Magic Mirror

The Mirror says to them: "Tell me what you think about your qualities. If they are true, you will be transported to your dream beach home. If it is false, you will be sucked into the dark dimension within me."

All the women pause for a moment.

The Brunette woman broke the silence by s...

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2 Dinosaurs were sat on a beach watching as a ship sailed into the sunset

One dinosaur turns to the other and says "That Noah's a bit of a twat isn't he."

She reminded him of sunset

Orange and hard on the eyes.

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Taking The Bait

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You da...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit

Through the woods and stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says "thank you for freeing me, I have granted you two the ability to communicate with. I will give both of you 2 wishes.". The bear speaks up first "I wish to have the biggest bear penis in the world." The genie looks to the rabb...

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One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.

On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”

With a smile on his fa...

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

The Wine

An old couple was enjoying a bottle of wine while watching the sunset.

Husband: I can't live without you.

Wife: aww! Was it you or the wine talking?

Husband: I was talking to the wine.

What's she got that I don't?

Ol' Ed and his neighbor Ethel are both 75 years old and have lost their partners years ago. They enjoy spending time together every Friday evening rocking on Ethel's back porch swing, talking and watching the sunset. As soon as the sun goes down Ethel unzips Ed and gently holds his member in her ha...

John walks into a bar and sees a strange man in the corner.

This man in the corner was no ordinary man, as this man had a giant orange head. John walks to the bartender and says "Hey, what's up with the guy in the corner with the big orange head?" The bartender replies, "If you buy him a drink, he'll tell you his story." John was very interested in this man,...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

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Clara was on a cruise by herself for vacation.

She was at the railings, staring at the ocean, watching the sunset. Then, a man walked down the stairs, watching her. He decided to start talking to Clara.



"Maam, you hsve very pretty eyes. Would you like to go eat dinner with me?"



Clara blushed and accepted, taking his...

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

A critic walked up and down the aisles of a modern art exhibit.

He stopped before one particularly abstract work.

"What in the world is that supposed to be?" He wondered aloud.

"That," said the artist, "is *supposed* to be the Great Wall of China at sunset."

"Then why isn't it?" snapped the critic.

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A Husband has become well-known for how well his marriage is going..

It had been almost 50 years, and not a single fight, nor disagreement had ever occurred between the two. One day, a friend finally confronted him to share his secret of success.

"Well, my friend.. it all goes back to our beautiful wedding. After the ceremony, we promised to ride horses into t...

Jesus and a Hippie (one of the Best ewer)

Jesus Christ is walking on the beach, a beautiful sunset is in the making...

He meets a hippie who is rolling a joint and sits himself next to him.



Jesus: what are you doing?

Hippie: rolling a joint, wanna smoke some?

Jesus: hmmm... i only smoke good weed, you kn...

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DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

The handsome radio host

Had a call in contest and the first person to call would get anything they asked for within reason. The phones explode with callers and he answers the first caller. It's an old crippled woman who happens to be in a wheelchair. She said she never had a date in her whole life and would like a date wit...

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A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...

After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.

"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the...

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships c...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest...

...and is nearly on top of him. Just before the bear can pounce, time stops, freezing the animals in place. Jesus steps out from behind a tree and tells the bear that if he spares the rabbit, he will grant each creature two wishes. The bear agrees, and time resumes. The bear says, "I wish I had ...

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One day a boy is walking down an old dirt road...

arms full of duck tape and he comes across an cabin with an old man sitting on the front porch. The old man sees the boy and says, "Say son, what'cha need all that duck tape for?"

"I'm going to catch me some ducks!"

"Boy!! You ain't gunna catch no *DAMN* ducks with no *DAMN* duck tape!...

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A man decides to ride his horse into Montana.

So the man decides to quit his job, and ride his horse into Montana, now he just wanted to go to ride, just the feeling of being free, as did his horse, and they created a great inseparable bond. But one day they're caught by a group of native Americans and they seize the man and his horse. They dec...

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Stalin wakes up one morning and steps onto his balcony.

He sees the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" says Stalin.

"Good morning, Comrade Stalin," replies the sun.

Later in the afternoon, as Stalin steps outside, he says,

"Good afternoon, Comrade Sun."

"Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin," the sun replies.

At suns...

Kenny the Rooster

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yep, I’ve got this great rooster, named Kenny. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Ken...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

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The Generous Man

*ADULT CONTENT*

There's a man walking along the beach enjoying the beautiful sunset when he comes across a girl crying. He asks her, "What's wrong?" She tells him, "I'm 21 y.o., I have no arms, no legs and I've never been kissed." So he looks around, bends down and gives her the most passiona...

Trump and Obama - oldie but goldie

It's time for Obama to step down. As a final duty Obama gives Trump the combination to the office safe and tells him, "There are three envelopes in there labelled "1", "2", and "3". If you end up in trouble, open envelope "1". He says his goodbyes and rides off into the sunset.

A couple of we...

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A teacher asked her students to use definitely in a sentence.

Mrs. Durst asked her students to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny's hand shot straight up.

Mrs. Durst decided to ignore Johnny because he was always saying nottty things.

She called on Lindsay and she said "the sky is definitely blue"
And the teacher replied "well the s...

There are these three older gentlemen in their club....

...somewhere in the West End of London, and it's the late 1920s or so. They're sitting in the Chesterfield armchairs, drinking their beakers of port, smoking cigars, and generally chatting about life, and the conversation circles round to the great inevitable, and they start to wonder how they want...

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Two nuns are driving back to the convent after evensong...

When just after sunset a vampire leaps on to the roof.

“Oh my gosh! Sister Mary, whatever will we do now?”, one yells.

“Don’t panic there Sister Luke, just show him your cross”, says the other, calmly.

Sister Luke winds down the window and shouts,

“GET THE FUCK OFF MY C...

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2 very spiritual lovers make plans to contact one another through a seance if one of them dies.

they live with this goal in mind, for another happy 20 years of marriage, and then the husband gets crushed by a bus.

the wife arranges a seance exactly 3 months later, as pre-arranged, and contacts the deceased

"oh darling, are you ok? are you in heaven?"

"oh yes. I cannot beli...

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I've never been fucked.

A lady with no arms or legs was sitting on the beach looking into the sunset sobbing. As a lone man was walking by with his dog he noticed the lady crying and decided to go over and ask if everything was alright.

Man: Excuse me ma’am is everything ok?
Lady: No. (sniffles) Not really.
M...

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Jim walks into a bar with his arm in a sling.

He sits next to his friend Bill and orders two shots of whiskey.

Bill asks him, "How'd you break your arm, Jim?"

Jim downs a shot of whiskey and says, "Well, you see, about two years ago--"

Bill interrupts him, "Woah woah, two YEARS! You didn't break your arm two YEARS ago!"
...

4 friends in their 20s....

Four friends in their 20s go to a new restaurant, Sands, because they've never been there before.

10 years later, they reunite and go back because the waitresses were so pretty.

In their 40s, they decide to go again because of the amazing wine selection.

Another 10 years pass an...

3 men died and were taken to God....

They were taken to the top of a cliff . GOD SAID to them that since they had been such outstanding citizens on Earth that they'd be given one chance to become anything they desired.
The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted."i want to be an eagle". Instantly he w...

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A bull and his son look out from on top of a hill

Below them a herd of cows graze on an open pasture as the sun begins to set for the night The young bull turns to his father and says "Hey dad let's go down and fuck one." The father bull turns from the sunset and replies, "Son, we're gonna fuck em all."

Four friends decide to create a new tradition

They all have their birthdays the same week, so when they turn 50, they decide they would go every ten years to celebrate at a fancy restaurant.

The first time, when they turn 50, they have a discussion about where to go.

Friend 1: Let's go to the *Thai Orchid*, I heard they have reall...

Why do Icelandic ships have barcodes?

The striking dock workers complained there is Norway they can go to a ship with a clipboard, Denmark it as arrived and Finnish the whole business before sunset. New tech helped Sweden the deal.

Poor little Rabbit

A vegan is driving his Escalade down the highway and as he turns a corner he spots a rabbit run out in front of him. He locks up the brakes and skids side to side, desperately tries to not run over the rabbit. The rabbit takes a couple hops to the left and SPLAT! The front right tire flattens the ...

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There was an old man on his front porch drinking a glass of whiskey.

The man's grandson opened the front door and said "hey grandpa! Can I have some?". "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Asked the man. "No" said the boy. The old man said "well that means you can't have any."

The next day, the man was out on his front porch again smoking a Cuban cigar. Out com...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need:
"We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of us. They just go down to one of these big box stores and buy whatever bra...

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A rancher is kidnapped by the local tribe of natives.

The chief decides the rancher should be executed and his ranch looted, but gives the rancher 3 days to make his peace and one request per day.

On the first day, the rancher requests his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse darts off and returns at sunset with a beautiful, blonde woman. Th...

Oldie but goodie

A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said "You've got one wish, make it snappy" The young woman said "I th...

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Girl on the beach

A muscular young man was walking along the beach at sunset. The beach was empty save one lovely young woman sitting in a wheelchair.

As the young man drew near, he perceived that the girl was crying.

"Fair lady", he said "why do you sit here on the beach watching this lovely sunset and...

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Jump off the magic mountain and scream what you want to be...... said the monk

The first guy ran and jumped off the mountain and said " Eagle". In the blink of an eye he transformed into an eagle and flew away.

The second guy ran and jumped off the mountain and said "Tiger". He instantly turned into tiger and ran off into the sunset.

Determined not to be out done...

Island Joke

A white guy, a Mexican guy and a Chinese guy are stranded on an island. The white guy says, "okay, we need to get to work if we're going to survive. I'll hunt for food. Mexican guy, you go build us shelter. Chinese guy, you go get us some supplies. We'll meet back here at sunset."

The white ...

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Superman is flying over the city...

...when he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked and spreadeagled on top of a building. Superman thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could zoom down, do the business, fly off and she wouldn't know a thing about it.

 

So he zooms down, gets do...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by.

He's sat on the grass, chewing on a straw, watching his sheep roam around under the last rays of the setting sun. A jeep leaving behind clouds of dust stops before him, and off gets a businessman clad in an expensive suit a...

What do you call twin brothers?

A sunset!

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The Blue Pigeon.

There once was a medium sized city on the countryside. The villagers were happy, economy was thriving, education in top form, and few complaints could be made.

One day a pigeon arrived. The next day another. And the next day the pigeon population doubled again. This happened until the villag...

2 village idiots are walking...

...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:

"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"

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A woman with no arms and no legs...

A woman with no arms and no legs is sitting by herself, crying, on a park bench facing a lake just before sunset. A handsome young man wandered by and noticed the woman crying. He walks up to her and places a comforting hand on her shoulder, saying "What's wrong, ma'am?"

"Oh...", the young wo...

Nursing home

Arthur is in a nursing home after the death of his wife and he feels depressed.
Betty notices this and asks if there is anything she can do. He says 'well my wife used to sit with me in the evenings and just hold it for me. I miss that touch.'
Betty is a game and a kind woman so she takes to ...

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So a guy is hiking in a forest and it's getting dark

He's too far from his car to make it back by nightfall and the woods are dangerous at night. Luckily, he comes upon a clearing with a quaint little cottage in the centre. A middle-aged Chinese man is sitting outside the cottage watching the sunset.
The hiker asks the wizened man if he could stay ...

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The Magic Lamp

A man whose wife had just divorced him was walking down along the beach trying to figure out what he was going to do next with his life. Suddenly his foot kicked something hard in the sand and he was immediately surrounded by smoke. A Booming voice said :

"I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP"
...

Plane over the Jungle

There is a plane flying over a vast jungle. The plane is about to crash, so the passengers are instructed to lose some weight on the plane. There are three men in question that day, who each threw over something important to themselves.

"I have too many of these," said the first man, as he th...

A man and a woman get married in the old west.

They're riding their horses out into the sunset, but the woman's horse stops suddenly and throws the woman off the back. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's one."

A little further on, they hear a loud thunderclap, and the woman's horse rears up and tosses her ...

A man was walking down the beach when...

A man was walking down the beach when he came across God watching the sunset.

Man: Are you really god?

God: I am.

Man: Do you have a task for me lord?

God: No, I don't do that anymore. I gave a man a task once and he turned it into a crusade and visited suffering on his ...

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A Bear and a Rabbit were walking through the woods...

... when they came across a magic lamp. Rather than argue over who would use it, they rubbed it together and out came a magic genie who offered them both three wishes. After a moment deciding amongst themselves, they both agreed to let the Bear go first.

The Bear approached the Genie.

...

Down on the farm.....

One day Farmer John decides to visit Farmer Bill's farm. He gets there early in the morning and is greeted by Farmer Bill. Farmer John tells Farmer Bill: "Bill, you've got yourself a nice, little farm here. Really small but over all it's kind of nice."
Farmer Bill replies: "Thank you John."
...

How does the stock market work?

Cletus and Wade watching the sunset on their tractor have a chat.

Cletus: Wade, I keep hearing on the radio, TV, read in the papers about the stock market but I still have no idea it is. Do you know?

Wade: How should I explain this to you... Let's say you buy some eggs for your farm, ...

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Use the word definitely in a sentence

A teacher of a grade three class is teaching her class about the word definitely. Towards the end of class the teacher asks the class to use definitely correctly in a sentence. A boy named Tom puts his hand up first.
"Tree leaves are definitely green."
"That is incorrect because during Fall le...

Old couple

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ole lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ole man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.
The old man slowly gets up and makes his way bac...

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