An elderly couple gets divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any lo...

Our daughter wants us to set a place at our Thanksgiving dinner table, for her teddy bear, Theodore. She promises he won't eat very much.

She said he has been eating a lot lately, and is already stuffed

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

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How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

If anyone has no family and will be alone on thanksgiving please let me know

I really need to borrow some chairs from you.

My favorite thanksgiving dish is

Revenge, a dish best served cold

What was the turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving?

vegetarians!

Finally time for my thanksgiving joke!!

Why did the turkey get kicked out of the football stadium?


Because he tryptophan

I'm not going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers anymore.

This year, I'm quitting cold turkey.

Thanksgiving

An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman. Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving mornin...

Thanksgiving Dinner

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after pay...

Hey baby, do you like Thanksgiving?

Because I want to pump-kin into that pie.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

If the natives had given the pilgrams donkeys instead of turkeys, we would all be eating Ass for Thanksgiving!

A Thanksgiving day tip

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she co...

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...

One by one...

As each relative goes home.

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

Which Marvel villain loves Thanksgiving the most?

Goblin

Thanksgiving in Indiana.

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving.

But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog.

Only kidding. It was the cat!...

Why should you knock on the oven before opening it this Thanksgiving?

Because it could be dressing!

I’ll show myself out…

I make vegetarian thanksgivings dinners

They're called chive turkeys

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie,

but some people say that’s irrational.

Spacebar

While out picking up some last minute Thanksgiving items my wife texted me "Thespacebaronmyphoneisnotworking.Whenigethomecanyougivemeanalternative?"

As I eagerly await her arrival home in my birthday suit I cannot help but wonder, what does ternative mean?

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A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

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Today I realized that my wife apparently has the same approach to egg nog as to sex…

No “egg nog” before Thanksgiving (marriage), lots of “egg nog” for about a month and a half, and no “egg nog” after Christmas!

Just in time for the farmers thanksgiving. NSFW

There was this farmer that every morning would wake up and the first thing he would do is fart. Wet farts, dry farts, stinky farts, and especially loud farts. His wife would constantly tell him, “Honey, you really need to go to the doctor and have them look at that, one day you’ll end up farting you...

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It’s Thanksgiving Day!

Little Johnny was so excited because family is coming over to celebrate but mom in dad were in their bedroom arguing.
Dad yells “you bitch!
Mom yells back “you bastard!” And stomps downstairs to the kitchen.

Johnny goes into their bedroom afterwards and asks, “Daddy, what does ‘bitch ...

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On thanksgiving day, a boy overheard his parents callling each other names.

He heard his dad called him mum a bitch and his mum called his dad a bastard. The boy asked his parents what the two words meant, and they said bitch means girl and bastard means boy.

Later that day, his dad is shaving in the bathroom; he then accidentally cuts himself and says shit. The boy ...

Thanksgiving will be extra special this year

Because people will be spreading diseases to each other, just like in the original.

Blinking lights, presents, reindeer, and snowmen everywhere…

I love Thanksgiving.

Why was O.J. allowed out of jail for thanksgiving?

He was the only one in his family who knows how to carve up white meat.

Chad and Karen are driving home from Thanksgiving.

After a grueling time with the relatives, tensions are high when Karen suddenly points to a Starbucks and says she wants to stop for a latte.

Chad really wants to get home but pulls over anyway. Thirty slow minutes later she finally returns with her coffee.

Once back on the road, the...

I go around throwing a stone at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. What is the name of this stone?

It's my Jingle Bell Rock.

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

Why did you ruin the Thanksgiving turkey at the last minute?

It just wasn't very well thawed out.
(it's bad, but it's mine)

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

I was late to my cannibal family's Thanksgiving dinner

I got the cold shoulder

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I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

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thanksgiving miracle

AN old couple was married for many years,they had a routine in life like we all do ,One of his routines was to wake up and let huge farts in the mornings ,His wife would tell him ,one of these days your gonna shit your guts out your asshole , he would just laugh it off , come thanksgiving morning ...

Thanksgiving.

The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.

Linda goes to her parents' house with her husband, Brian, for Thanksgiving.

As they walk in, Brian says, "Lemme go to the bathroom real quick."

And so Linda sits down in the living room with her dad and asks, "Where's mom?"

Her dad replies, "She's not feeling too well. She's in bed right now."

And then Linda goes to her mom's room and says, "Brian, what...

My girlfriend was making rolls on Thanksgiving and kept asking me to pour her more flour...

I told her “you’re so kneady”.

I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys...

But it was removed because of fowl language.

What do rednecks do for Thanksgiving?

Pump kin

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter during thanksgiving week?

Quack quack.

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Zoom Thanksgiving

Our potluck is going to hit everyone a little different this year. My dad will finally have the whole turkey to himself. Aunt Mary will be wasted all day since she agreed to get the keg. Grandma might go into a diabetic coma since she only makes desserts. And I hope Uncle Larry starves to death sinc...

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While cooking the Thanksgiving dinner, a fire broke out which burned Jill's right cheek.

In the hospital, the doctor said, "Harold, we cannot recover back your wife's cheek to its original condition but we can put new skin on it and it'll look just the same."

The thing was, the type of skin required to put over the burnt cheek was available only in Harold's buttocks. He complied,...

"Nobody is going to tell me how many people I can have for Thanksgiving"

Jeffery Dahmer

This year's Thanksgiving playlist is a buffet by ear, if you will...

The main dish will be Lambchop seasoned with Red Hot Chili Peppers & Salt-n-Pepa.

Accompanied by the side dishes: The Cranberries, Korn, and Black Eyed Peas.

And for dessert we'll have Vanilla Ice..Cream..Cake.

What did the turkey say to the US president on Thanksgiving?

I beg your pardon.

I can't stop eating left-over Thanksgiving..

I guess I need to quit cold turkey.

A round earth fact to a flat-earther is…

…like what thanksgiving is to a turkey

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what’s the worst part of a family thanksgiving in Alabama?

the sexual tension

My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

Why did the Pilgrims spend their first Thanksgiving eating outside with the Indians?

They didn't have reservations

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

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Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

What do nerds usually say during thanksgiving?

“(√-1)/8”

What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

What did the cannibalistic teddy bear eat for Thanksgiving?

Stuffing!

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

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Vegan thanksgiving

On thanksgiving, what did the vegan tell the child when they were about to stomp on a bug?

You butternut squash that!

A thanksgiving joke

Aman and a woman had been married for several years, and every morning, the man would fart extremely loud, like shake the whole house loud. His wife always told him that one day his guts would fall out, and that he should visit a doctor. He shrugged it off and didn’t worry at all. So on thanksgivi...

Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”

He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”

This Thanksgiving I have no soda, and that makes me sad.

You could say I’m soda pressed

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.



Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.



"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.



"It's a way of preparing the t...

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ...

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

What do Thanksgiving and the Kurds have in common?

..



America loves them and Turkey would prefer they didn't exist.

I always like to go bowling on Thanksgiving.

Because I am guaranteed to get a turkey that day.

What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

My son and I are up at our parents house for Thanksgiving.

My father is a minister, but he keeps some bottles of rum in his office.

We took one and we’ve been sharing it for hours.

It’s great.

Just a father, a son, and a holy spirit.

An ode to the Canadian Thanksgiving: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.

I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving

Now I'm in trouble with the U.S. Army.

[From my 8-year-old] What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

...This is the way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m always upset on Thanksgiving.

If the pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey we’d all be eating pussy.

This Thanksgiving, when your family asks if you're joking when they hound you about having children...

...tell them you're not kidding.

Don't ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians...

...They'll never stop roasting the turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

What did the mother turkey say to the little turkeys on Thanksgiving?

Mind your manners! If your dad could see you now, he‘d roll over in his gravy!

Thanksgiving is a lot like an orgy

I get to disappoint a lot of people at once

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

Trump must have never eaten a thanksgiving poutine...

Anyone who has could tell you curds and turkey don’t get along.

When is the Jewish Thanksgiving?

When Palestine gets taken over.

Why don’t turkeys eat on thanksgiving?

Because they’re stuffed!

Why is Grindr the official hookup platform of Thanksgiving?

Gobble gobble gobble.

Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

Why don’t British people celebrate thanksgiving?

Because if they had a holiday each time they invaded another country, killed the locals and exploited the people, they’d never have to go to work again.

Why does Trump have the most expensive Thanksgiving day?

Because he’ll impose tariff on Turkey

The worst part of being invited to eat Thanksgiving dinner at your Jewish friend's house?

The bill.

Wives are like Thanksgiving Turkeys.

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

This Thanksgiving, we are reminded of the one universal thing that we should all be thankful for

Those that sort by new

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple are lying in bed on the night before Thanksgiving...

....and, as per usual, the husband lets out a huge fart. The wife says to him, as she always does, "Hunny, one of these nights you're going to fart your innards out." A few minutes later the husband falls asleep but, due to his constant farting, the wife cannot. She tosses and turns and ends up gett...

People will ask what a nerd like me did this Thanksgiving.

[(-1)^(1/2)] (2^3) Σ π

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There are 2 things I learned this Thanksgiving:

1. Eating 5 plates of food will make you shit your brains out.

2. My brains smell awful

Looking forward to celebrate Thanksgiving with my loved ones

Wish I could write this in another sub

What do you call the table full of pies and cakes at Thanksgiving isolated from all the other foods?

The desserted island.

The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Farts and Thanksgiving

John and Susan have been married for many years. Every morning as John woke up, he would let loose the loudest, most foul smelling fart you could imagine. Every morning, Susan would tell John that he was going to blow his guts out of his ass. John would just laugh and continue his morning routine...

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