Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

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A family is getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Little Timmy sees his dad shaving. While shaving his dad cuts himself and says "shit"

Little Timmy "Dad what's shit mean"

Dad "It's just another word for shaving"

Little Timmy heads upstairs and sees his Brother and Sister fighting. His Brother calls his sister a Bitch and his S...

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York

And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each oth...

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

What did the cannibal eat for Thanksgiving?

A Turk

Why do we only eat Turkey for thanksgiving?

Because the Armenians are all dead



PS: I am going to hell for this

Why don’t turkeys eat on thanksgiving?

Because they’re stuffed!

My Thanksgiving dinners are historically accurate

I invite myself into a stranger's house for dinner, eat all his food and then tell him I live there.

This Thanksgiving, we are reminded of the one universal thing that we should all be thankful for

Those that sort by new

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

But then I quit cold turkey

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Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman...

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Why is Grindr the official hookup platform of Thanksgiving?

Gobble gobble gobble.

Thanksgiving is a lot like an orgy

I get to disappoint a lot of people at once

Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

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There are 2 things I learned this Thanksgiving:

1. Eating 5 plates of food will make you shit your brains out.

2. My brains smell awful

Looking forward to celebrate Thanksgiving with my loved ones

Wish I could write this in another sub

The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

People will ask what a nerd like me did this Thanksgiving.

[(-1)^(1/2)] (2^3) Σ π

My family wanted me to go to rehab for my addiction to eating Thanksgiving leftovers straight from the fridge

But I wanted to go cold turkey

Being a recovering addict is hard. I find myself even struggling to reheat my Thanksgiving leftovers

I quit cold turkey

Why does Trump have the most expensive Thanksgiving day?

Because he’ll impose tariff on Turkey

An elderly couple are lying in bed on the night before Thanksgiving...

....and, as per usual, the husband lets out a huge fart. The wife says to him, as she always does, "Hunny, one of these nights you're going to fart your innards out." A few minutes later the husband falls asleep but, due to his constant farting, the wife cannot. She tosses and turns and ends up gett...

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[Long] Farts and Thanksgiving

John and Susan have been married for many years. Every morning as John woke up, he would let loose the loudest, most foul smelling fart you could imagine. Every morning, Susan would tell John that he was going to blow his guts out of his ass. John would just laugh and continue his morning routine...

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are

The relatives who don't leave until Monday.

I'm a curmudgeon and I hate Thanksgiving...

As far as I'm concerned everyone can take their turkey and stuff it.

The EU was invited to a thanksgiving dinner

but they refused to have turkey

If your left leg is thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas.

Can I visit between the holidays?

Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)

Turkey Hunting

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing...

How do they celebrate Thanksgiving in the EU?

I don’t know, but they sure as hell don’t have Turkey.

On Thanksgiving, in Soviet Russia...

Turkey shoot you!

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Little Johnny returns to school after Thanksgiving break,..

and the teacher asks the class if anyone had an experience they learned from over the vacation.
The first child raises their hand and says, "I spilled my milk at dinner and I learned not to cry over spilled milk."
The teacher says very good and calls on Little Johnny next.
Johnny lau...

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The only good thing about Thanksgiving is the food...

And even that turns to shit.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says

(√-1)/8

I'm addicted to thanksgiving leftovers.

But thankfully I've gotten some help and I'm quitting cold turkey.

What did turkey do on thanksgiving?

Changed its foreign policy on syria.

What do robots eat for dessert on thanksgiving?

Raspberry pi.

I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies

Everything else is just gravy

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A Thanksgiving joke from my uncle

Has anyone ever had a turducken?

Yeah I have. I started to push it out, but it ducked right back in

Guy at work: They don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in India, do they?

Me: They would if Columbus had stopped to ask for directions...

Why is Secretary of State Tillerson holding middle east peace talks during Thanksgiving in Wisconsin?

It's the only state that serves curds and turks at the same table.

What's a redneck's favorite thanksgiving treat?

The pump-kin pie!

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Little Johnny's Thanksgiving

It was thanksgiving eve and Little Johnny was in his room, when he heard his dad shout from the living room,

"These Bitches and Bastards!", Johnny ran out and asked, "Daddy what are bitches and bastards?"
"Oh that's a nice way of saying ladies and gentleman."

So Johnny went back to...

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On the day before Thanksgiving, Jimmy heard his parents call each other "bitch" and "bastard" one day.

Confused, he saked them what those words meant. His parents told him that it meant "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day, Jimmy saw his dad shaving. His dad accidentally cut his face and exclaimed, "Shit!" Jimmy asked him what that word meant and his dad told him "shit" was the shaving cream he pu...

Teacher: What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Teacher: What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?
Student: I’m thankful I’m not a turkey.

An hour before Joe left for Thanksgiving dinner at his cousins place...

... he is in his office with a cup of coffee and a piece of paper with hole punches in it. A co worker walks in to witness joe VERY CAREFULLY tipping his coffee mug over his paper. One drop of coffee lands to perfectly fill the hole punch in the paper.

“What on earth are you doing that for?”...

Ready for Thanksgiving, steps for a great Turkey!!!

Step 1. Buy a turkey
Step 2. Have a glass of wine
Step 3. Stuff the turkey
Step 4. Have a glass of wine
Step 5. Put turkey in oven
Step 6. Relax and have a glass of wine
Step 7. Turk the bastey
Step 8. Wine of glass another get
Step 9. Hunt for meat thermometer
Step 10. Gl...

I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

Did anyone else get charged for their dessert at Thanksgiving??

It's my fault really. I shouldn't have had a slice of the Ajit Pai.

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What do Japanese people say after a Thanksgiving prayer?

Ra'men.

What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner?

Twerky

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie

But some people say that's irrational...

Thanksgiving.

The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.

A Native American scolded me for celebrating Thanksgiving, a celebration of slaughter

So I said, "you're right, it's awful what they've done to the turkeys all these years."

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Thanksgiving Boobs sale

Just came back from another universe. People there celebrate thanksgiving with oven-roasted human-female Boobs. I went to boobs market to shop boobs, and I was so surprised with the variety of boobs on sale. Black boobs were priced 100 per lb, white boobs were 200 per lb but Chinese boobs were 1500 ...

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Thanksgiving Day...

It was the week before thanksgiving and a little kid heard his parents arguing, although he couldn't hear much, he made out the words "Bitch" and "Bastard". So he goes up to his Dad and says "Daddy, What is a bastard?" And his Dad replies "Oh sweety, it is just another word for gentlemen. Later that...

We're celebrating Thanksgiving the old fashioned way at my place this year

By inviting our neighbors over to eat and then killing them and taking their land

Wives are like thanksgiving turkeys....

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

Why can't Vin Diesel differentiate Thanksgiving Turkey from his best friend?

Because they're both roasted

My Thanksgiving, in math

√-1
——
  8

So I guess it's going to be ham for Thanksgiving

lulz. cause no more Turkey

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan...

Black Fridays Matter.

Thanksgiving Special

Three guys visit a hooker on Thanksgiving Day.
"How much do you charge?" They ask.
"Thanksgiving Special today only! $10 an inch." She replies.


The first guy takes his turn, comes back out and says, "That was $75 well spent!"


The second guy takes his turn and comes bac...

Ok, r/Jokes, I I realize that it's still Thanksgiving, but I need your help: what are your dirtiest Santa/elf related jokes?

My girlfriend is wanting to get kinky in an elf costume tomorrow, and Santa is in need of some good puns for the naughty dirty talk...

What did the fat math teacher say after a large Thanksgiving dinner?

(√-1)/8!

What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal?

Smashed potatoes.

I invited OJ Simpson to my Thanksgiving dinner.

He's good at carving white meat.

What does Miley Cyrus eat on Thanksgiving?

Twerkey!

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

The tale of Thanksgiving.

It's that time of year, so raise a cheer, here's to drinking beer and shooting deer. Here's to friends who are sincere and friends who will endear. When others appear we give them a leer, but not so severe that they leave out of fear. We send pioneers to explore the frontier, and they return bearing...

I ate so much at Thanksgiving,

I had to loosen my Fitbit.

(Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)

Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Gr...

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What did the rednecks do for thanksgiving?

Pump kin pie.


Happy Canadian Turkeyday, you sick bastards!

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

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