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Thanksgiving Jokes

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

An elderly couple gets divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any lo...

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

What’s the worst part of thanksgiving dinner in Alabama?

Having to sit around a table with all the people you’ve slept with.

Timmy had been dating Joyce for almost 2 months and decided to tell his parents on Thanksgiving break

When he tells his dad, he asks him “wait a moment, is this Joyce, Susan’s girl?

Timmy replied: “yes Susan Thompson, that’s her mom, do you know her”?

His dad said after a deep sigh: “well son, I’m Afraid you can’t date her, see when I was younger I got around if you know what I mean a...

Just in time for Thanksgiving: Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.
"What did you do today?" I asked.
She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.
Looking int...

Why don’t Greeks celebrate thanksgiving?

Because they hate Turkey

What are some of you best thanksgiving jokes?

What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?

Yammies!

My Favorite Thanksgiving Joke

So this chicken walks up to a turkey and says, "Hey, Turkey! I've always wondered something..."

Turkey's like, "Yeah. What's up?"

And so the chicken says, "That thing. You know, that flap of skin or whatever that's hanging down over your beak. What do you call that thing?"

And t...

Millions of people celebrated thanksgiving yesterday.

The indigenous people however, have reservations.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t we eat Turducken on Thanksgiving?

It’s too fowl.

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie,

but some people say that’s irrational.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

I'm not eating leftover thanksgiving food this year.

I'm quitting cold turkey.

Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?

People there are trying to quit cold turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not fail to bring up politics at your family's Thanksgiving dinner.

You're gonna save a shitload of money on Christmas gifts.

Recovering from Thanksgiving.....

An exhausted Tyson industrial butcher walks into a bar two days after Thanksgiving and orders a beer. "So you're a butcher, eh?" the bartender asks. "Do you have to do nasty stuff like pluck the turkeys?" "Yes," the butcher sighs. "So which side of a turkey has the most feathers?" the nosy bartender...

A traditional Thanksgiving joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she co...

Why do turkeys love thanksgiving?

Because they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents

Two IT workers get married...

At Thanksgiving, their family asks them, "When are you going to have children?"

Couple: "Don't worry, we are working on it. ;)"

Next Thanksgiving, the couple still don't have children and their family asks, "Is there a problem? I thought you were planning to have children?"

Coup...

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?

“Quack! Quack!”

Thanksgiving

An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman. Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving mornin...

Jeffrey Dahmer was hosting Thanksgiving dinner

His mother leans over to him and whispers, "I really don't like your neighbors."

So Jeffrey whispers back, "that's OK, just push them to the side and eat your vegetables."

(I haven't told this joke since JD went to jail)

Finally time for my thanksgiving joke!!

Why did the turkey get kicked out of the football stadium?


Because he tryptophan

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

I'm thinking about celebrating Thanksgiving in a more traditional way this year

Just gotta figure out who's land I'm gonna steal.

If there's anyone out there who has no family and is planning to stay home alone this Thanksgiving, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off of my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.

I was late to my cannibal family's Thanksgiving dinner

I got the cold shoulder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Thanksgiving!

If the natives had given the pilgrams donkeys instead of turkeys, we would all be eating Ass for Thanksgiving!

Ever year after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.

I can do it, because I have lots of cold turkey.

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Hey baby, do you like Thanksgiving?

Because I want to pump-kin into that pie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Thanksgiving Day!

Little Johnny was so excited because family is coming over to celebrate but mom in dad were in their bedroom arguing.
Dad yells “you bitch!
Mom yells back “you bastard!” And stomps downstairs to the kitchen.

Johnny goes into their bedroom afterwards and asks, “Daddy, what does ‘bitch ...

Thanksgiving Dinner

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after pay...

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

I make vegetarian thanksgivings dinners

They're called chive turkeys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zoom Thanksgiving

Our potluck is going to hit everyone a little different this year. My dad will finally have the whole turkey to himself. Aunt Mary will be wasted all day since she agreed to get the keg. Grandma might go into a diabetic coma since she only makes desserts. And I hope Uncle Larry starves to death sinc...

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...

One by one...

As each relative goes home.

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

Just in time for the farmers thanksgiving. NSFW

There was this farmer that every morning would wake up and the first thing he would do is fart. Wet farts, dry farts, stinky farts, and especially loud farts. His wife would constantly tell him, “Honey, you really need to go to the doctor and have them look at that, one day you’ll end up farting you...

A traditional Thanksgiving...

This year we are going to have a traditional Thanksgiving at our house.

We are going to invite the neighbors over for a huge feast, and then kill them and take their land.

\-Jon Stewart

Thanksgiving in Indiana.

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving.

But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog.

Only kidding. It was the cat!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.

Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.

"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.

"It's a way of preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

thanksgiving miracle

AN old couple was married for many years,they had a routine in life like we all do ,One of his routines was to wake up and let huge farts in the mornings ,His wife would tell him ,one of these days your gonna shit your guts out your asshole , he would just laugh it off , come thanksgiving morning ...

Which Marvel villain loves Thanksgiving the most?

Goblin

Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vegan thanksgiving

On thanksgiving, what did the vegan tell the child when they were about to stomp on a bug?

You butternut squash that!

A thanksgiving joke

Aman and a woman had been married for several years, and every morning, the man would fart extremely loud, like shake the whole house loud. His wife always told him that one day his guts would fall out, and that he should visit a doctor. He shrugged it off and didn’t worry at all. So on thanksgivi...

Chad and Karen are driving home from Thanksgiving.

After a grueling time with the relatives, tensions are high when Karen suddenly points to a Starbucks and says she wants to stop for a latte.

Chad really wants to get home but pulls over anyway. Thirty slow minutes later she finally returns with her coffee.

Once back on the road, the...

Why should you knock on the oven before opening it this Thanksgiving?

Because it could be dressing!

I’ll show myself out…

Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Gr...

After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says

(√-1)/8

My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanksgiving Boobs sale

Just came back from another universe. People there celebrate thanksgiving with oven-roasted human-female Boobs. I went to boobs market to shop boobs, and I was so surprised with the variety of boobs on sale. Black boobs were priced 100 per lb, white boobs were 200 per lb but Chinese boobs were 1500 ...

Why did you ruin the Thanksgiving turkey at the last minute?

It just wasn't very well thawed out.
(it's bad, but it's mine)

Thanksgiving is a lot like an orgy

I get to disappoint a lot of people at once

Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

Thanksgiving.

The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.

What do rednecks do for Thanksgiving?

Pump kin

I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving

Now I'm in trouble with the U.S. Army.

I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys...

But it was removed because of fowl language.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m always upset on Thanksgiving.

If the pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey we’d all be eating pussy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On thanksgiving day, a boy overheard his parents callling each other names.

He heard his dad called him mum a bitch and his mum called his dad a bastard. The boy asked his parents what the two words meant, and they said bitch means girl and bastard means boy.

Later that day, his dad is shaving in the bathroom; he then accidentally cuts himself and says shit. The boy ...

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's Thanksgiving

It was thanksgiving eve and Little Johnny was in his room, when he heard his dad shout from the living room,

"These Bitches and Bastards!", Johnny ran out and asked, "Daddy what are bitches and bastards?"
"Oh that's a nice way of saying ladies and gentleman."

So Johnny went back to...

What did the turkey say to the US president on Thanksgiving?

I beg your pardon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.

A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"

The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream...

I always like to go bowling on Thanksgiving.

Because I am guaranteed to get a turkey that day.

The EU was invited to a thanksgiving dinner

but they refused to have turkey

Thanksgiving will be extra special this year

Because people will be spreading diseases to each other, just like in the original.

Wives are like Thanksgiving Turkeys.

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanksgiving Day...

It was the week before thanksgiving and a little kid heard his parents arguing, although he couldn't hear much, he made out the words "Bitch" and "Bastard". So he goes up to his Dad and says "Daddy, What is a bastard?" And his Dad replies "Oh sweety, it is just another word for gentlemen. Later that...

Thanksgiving Special

Three guys visit a hooker on Thanksgiving Day.
"How much do you charge?" They ask.
"Thanksgiving Special today only! $10 an inch." She replies.


The first guy takes his turn, comes back out and says, "That was $75 well spent!"


The second guy takes his turn and comes bac...

Thanksgiving dinner.

So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?"

And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."

What do Thanksgiving and the Kurds have in common?

..



America loves them and Turkey would prefer they didn't exist.

What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

When is the Jewish Thanksgiving?

When Palestine gets taken over.

Linda goes to her parents' house with her husband, Brian, for Thanksgiving.

As they walk in, Brian says, "Lemme go to the bathroom real quick."

And so Linda sits down in the living room with her dad and asks, "Where's mom?"

Her dad replies, "She's not feeling too well. She's in bed right now."

And then Linda goes to her mom's room and says, "Brian, what...

Thanksgiving at the In-laws'

Me (patting wife's belly): "Remember, you're eating for two now"


Mother-in-law: "You mean...?"


Me: "That's right. She's got a tapeworm!"

This year's Thanksgiving playlist is a buffet by ear, if you will...

The main dish will be Lambchop seasoned with Red Hot Chili Peppers & Salt-n-Pepa.

Accompanied by the side dishes: The Cranberries, Korn, and Black Eyed Peas.

And for dessert we'll have Vanilla Ice..Cream..Cake.

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him, and he's the light of the world,

I do it, and it ruins Thanksgiving.

Why don’t British people celebrate thanksgiving?

Because if they had a holiday each time they invaded another country, killed the locals and exploited the people, they’d never have to go to work again.

Don't ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians...

...They'll never stop roasting the turkey.

My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are

The relatives who don't leave until Monday.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

My Thanksgiving, in math

√-1
——
  8

My mom said my sister was doing the turkey.

I thought, “That’s not a very nice thing to call her son-in-law.”

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)

Turkey Hunting

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing...

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Farts and Thanksgiving

John and Susan have been married for many years. Every morning as John woke up, he would let loose the loudest, most foul smelling fart you could imagine. Every morning, Susan would tell John that he was going to blow his guts out of his ass. John would just laugh and continue his morning routine...

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

"Nobody is going to tell me how many people I can have for Thanksgiving"

Jeffery Dahmer

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

Trump must have never eaten a thanksgiving poutine...

Anyone who has could tell you curds and turkey don’t get along.

I'm a curmudgeon and I hate Thanksgiving...

As far as I'm concerned everyone can take their turkey and stuff it.

Looking forward to celebrate Thanksgiving with my loved ones

Wish I could write this in another sub

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