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I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving

Now I'm in trouble with the U.S. Army.

I was late to my cannibal family's Thanksgiving dinner

I got the cold shoulder

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what’s the worst part of a family thanksgiving in Alabama?

the sexual tension

What did the cannibalistic teddy bear eat for Thanksgiving?

Stuffing!

Wives are like Thanksgiving Turkeys.

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

I refused to help cook Thanksgiving dinner this year

Last time I helped stuff a turkey, I was charged with obscenity

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Vegan thanksgiving

On thanksgiving, what did the vegan tell the child when they were about to stomp on a bug?

You butternut squash that!

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

A thanksgiving joke

Aman and a woman had been married for several years, and every morning, the man would fart extremely loud, like shake the whole house loud. His wife always told him that one day his guts would fall out, and that he should visit a doctor. He shrugged it off and didn’t worry at all. So on thanksgivi...

I say it every year but I'm quitting Thanksgiving

...cold turkey

My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

[From my 8-year-old] What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

...This is the way.

This Thanksgiving I have no soda, and that makes me sad.

You could say I’m soda pressed

My son and I are up at our parents house for Thanksgiving.

My father is a minister, but he keeps some bottles of rum in his office.

We took one and we’ve been sharing it for hours.

It’s great.

Just a father, a son, and a holy spirit.

What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

Don't ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians...

...They'll never stop roasting the turkey.

What do rednecks do for Thanksgiving?

Pump kin.

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner

and a light conversation about all things family. "I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one. "That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

This Thanksgiving, when your family asks if you're joking when they hound you about having children...

...tell them you're not kidding.

Why did the Pilgrims spend their first Thanksgiving eating outside with the Indians?

They didn't have reservations

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

What does Trump have in common with the Thanksgiving turkey?

Both will need a pardon by Thanksgiving

What do Thanksgiving and the Kurds have in common?

..



America loves them and Turkey would prefer they didn't exist.

Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ...

Trump must have never eaten a thanksgiving poutine...

Anyone who has could tell you curds and turkey don’t get along.

As of 2019, Trump is the best Thanksgiving president.

He let the biggest Turkey off scot free.

A month earlier.

An ode to the Canadian Thanksgiving: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.

When is the Jewish Thanksgiving?

When Palestine gets taken over.

I don't usually have any trouble abstaining from Thanksgiving leftovers over a period of time...

...but damn it's hard to quit cold turkey.

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her...

A dad joke courtesy of my dad

As we were getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner, someone asked "What time is it?". My dad replied "McCormick's".

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Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he's the light of the world;

I do the same and I'm “making Thanksgiving awkward.”

Y'all have heard of Joe's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce

Now get ready for Joe's Thanksgiving And Abortion Store
Where yesterday's baby is today's gravy

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Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman...

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

We should start a middle eastern war over Thanksgiving.

That way we can slaughter a Turkey twice.

Thanksgiving is a lot like an orgy

I get to disappoint a lot of people at once

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of turkey on her right inner thigh

After that she asks for a Christmas tree on her left. The tattoo artist asks her what the point is so she replies

"My husband complains there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Why don’t turkeys eat on thanksgiving?

Because they’re stuffed!

My Thanksgiving dinners are historically accurate

I invite myself into a stranger's house for dinner, eat all his food and then tell him I live there.

Looking forward to celebrate Thanksgiving with my loved ones

Wish I could write this in another sub

Why do we only eat Turkey for thanksgiving?

Because the Armenians are all dead



PS: I am going to hell for this

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

Why is Grindr the official hookup platform of Thanksgiving?

Gobble gobble gobble.

Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

Hey guys it’s no nut November...

Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

People will ask what a nerd like me did this Thanksgiving.

[(-1)^(1/2)] (2^3) Σ π

This Thanksgiving, we are reminded of the one universal thing that we should all be thankful for

Those that sort by new

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

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There are 2 things I learned this Thanksgiving:

1. Eating 5 plates of food will make you shit your brains out.

2. My brains smell awful

My family wanted me to go to rehab for my addiction to eating Thanksgiving leftovers straight from the fridge

But I wanted to go cold turkey

The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York

And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each oth...

I'm a curmudgeon and I hate Thanksgiving...

As far as I'm concerned everyone can take their turkey and stuff it.

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An elderly couple are lying in bed on the night before Thanksgiving...

....and, as per usual, the husband lets out a huge fart. The wife says to him, as she always does, "Hunny, one of these nights you're going to fart your innards out." A few minutes later the husband falls asleep but, due to his constant farting, the wife cannot. She tosses and turns and ends up gett...

Why does Trump have the most expensive Thanksgiving day?

Because he’ll impose tariff on Turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting....

The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word
they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastard...

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

The EU was invited to a thanksgiving dinner

but they refused to have turkey

My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are

The relatives who don't leave until Monday.

Thanksgiving at the In-laws'

Me (patting wife's belly): "Remember, you're eating for two now"


Mother-in-law: "You mean...?"


Me: "That's right. She's got a tapeworm!"

If your left leg is thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas.

Can I visit between the holidays?

Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)

Turkey Hunting

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing...

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[Long] Farts and Thanksgiving

John and Susan have been married for many years. Every morning as John woke up, he would let loose the loudest, most foul smelling fart you could imagine. Every morning, Susan would tell John that he was going to blow his guts out of his ass. John would just laugh and continue his morning routine...

How do they celebrate Thanksgiving in the EU?

I don’t know, but they sure as hell don’t have Turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny returns to school after Thanksgiving break,..

and the teacher asks the class if anyone had an experience they learned from over the vacation.
The first child raises their hand and says, "I spilled my milk at dinner and I learned not to cry over spilled milk."
The teacher says very good and calls on Little Johnny next.
Johnny lau...

After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says

(√-1)/8

Guess who didn’t eat on thanksgiving?

The turkey! It was already stuffed...

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The only good thing about Thanksgiving is the food...

And even that turns to shit.

I'm addicted to thanksgiving leftovers.

But thankfully I've gotten some help and I'm quitting cold turkey.

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

What did turkey do on thanksgiving?

Changed its foreign policy on syria.

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Little Johnny's Thanksgiving

It was thanksgiving eve and Little Johnny was in his room, when he heard his dad shout from the living room,

"These Bitches and Bastards!", Johnny ran out and asked, "Daddy what are bitches and bastards?"
"Oh that's a nice way of saying ladies and gentleman."

So Johnny went back to...

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On the day before Thanksgiving, Jimmy heard his parents call each other "bitch" and "bastard" one day.

Confused, he saked them what those words meant. His parents told him that it meant "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day, Jimmy saw his dad shaving. His dad accidentally cut his face and exclaimed, "Shit!" Jimmy asked him what that word meant and his dad told him "shit" was the shaving cream he pu...

I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies

Everything else is just gravy

What do robots eat for dessert on thanksgiving?

Raspberry pi.

Why is Secretary of State Tillerson holding middle east peace talks during Thanksgiving in Wisconsin?

It's the only state that serves curds and turks at the same table.

What's a redneck's favorite thanksgiving treat?

The pump-kin pie!

Guy at work: They don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in India, do they?

Me: They would if Columbus had stopped to ask for directions...

Did anyone else get charged for their dessert at Thanksgiving??

It's my fault really. I shouldn't have had a slice of the Ajit Pai.

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A Thanksgiving joke from my uncle

Has anyone ever had a turducken?

Yeah I have. I started to push it out, but it ducked right back in

What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner?

Twerky

I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

I was in an orgy last year

It was strange, but my family has always had weird thanksgivings

Ready for Thanksgiving, steps for a great Turkey!!!

Step 1. Buy a turkey
Step 2. Have a glass of wine
Step 3. Stuff the turkey
Step 4. Have a glass of wine
Step 5. Put turkey in oven
Step 6. Relax and have a glass of wine
Step 7. Turk the bastey
Step 8. Wine of glass another get
Step 9. Hunt for meat thermometer
Step 10. Gl...

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

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What do Japanese people say after a Thanksgiving prayer?

Ra'men.

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