Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.




Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

A couple are Christmas shopping.

The shopping center is packed, and as the wife walks through one of the stores, she is surprised when she looks around to find that her husband is nowhere to be seen. She is quite upset because they had a lot to do. She becomes so worried that she calls him to ask where he is. In a quiet voice he sa...

Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

I have dyslexia, but I was a good kid. I just don't understand why I hardly ever got any Christmas presents.

So much for all those letters I wrote to Satan.

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.

​

“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”

​

“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”

​

The prosecutor repl...

What happened to the burnout who snooped and found his presents the week before Christmas?

He peeked early

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas

A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas, when the woman who owns the home invited him in. She starts to unbutton his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Things start to get heavy and she takes him to the bedroom. They have sex. After the mailman gets dressed to leave, the woman says, “oh I almo...

I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas...

But it's what is on the inside that counts..

The best part of insomnia is...

It's only 10 more sleeps until Christmas!

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is making Christmas dinner...

“Mama, Mama! Grandma’s in the living room with her shrimps hanging out!”

Curious, the mother finishes up what she’s doing and goes into the living room. There she finds her mother, a little out of her mind... laid back in the recliner, dress hitched up over her head, legs spread and her pussy...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"

She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy...

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More songs that need to be banned for Christmas

Since some folks have decided that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity

2....

Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

In what city do kids get iron instead of coal for Christmas?

Santa Fe

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

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A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She hears the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now--cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the similarity between a vasectomized man and a Christmas tree?

The balls are just for show.

This is the only time of year where me and the KKK wish for the same thing.

A white Christmas.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

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Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Christmas Joke

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts o...

What did the homeless man get for Christmas??

Very hungry.

Walmart will be closed for Christmas

so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.

With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies "well I know he's a bad driver and a moron"

Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace'

So I bought her nothing. And now we're divorced :(

Why was the Christmas tree sent to the psych ward?

Because it was suffering from ornamental health issues.

People say Christmas is a Pagan holiday but...

a senior figure coming for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas?

Because it soots him

Roses are red

Violets are bluish
If it wasn’t for Christmas
We’d all be Jewish


I don’t know if this has been posted before but I heard it from one of my uncles.

What did Santa say to the fourth prostitute he slept with on Christmas day?

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm gonna stop at 3 ho's.

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas

I think a traditional turkey would taste better but it's her choice.

If Jesus was born on Christmas and was resurrected on Easter, what happened on Black Friday?

Sales at K-Mart

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas Party

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost to...

It's almost christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other

One says to the other: 'So, what are you going to ask of Santa?'

Says the other: 'I think my regular price.'

A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a lo...

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year

He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

Your mom is like a Christmas Tree...

she gets lit and covered in balls

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

What does a meth head want for Christmas?

Their two front teeth.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

What did the blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic boy get for Christmas?

Cancer

I was buying a large Christmas tree...

... and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?"

I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"

How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

I recently bought a Christmas Tree. The guy I bought it from asked "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking in the living room"

- Gary Delaney

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like brussel sprouts!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a christmas bonus and a penis?

The wife still blows the bonus.

Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out...

...must have been from my uncle Ben.

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was c...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" says the man.

"I think it's snowing" says the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

...

Tampax are considering using tinsel instead of string

Just for the Christmas period

I hate Christmas so much.

Whoever invented this should be crucified.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate Christmas

Whoever this holiday is meant for should be nailed up on a fucking cross.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling...

What did the artificial Pokemon say after being greeted, "Merry Christmas"?

Mewtwo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo...

If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!

I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas

It's not her main present, just a stocking filler!

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Father Christmas thought of him.

Being dyslexic sucks during Christmas.

My letters to Satan never get answered.

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

My kids wanted a cat for Christmas.

I was going to cook a turkey, but hey, whatever makes them happy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW My wife brought me a fitness watch for Christmas....

Apparently I wanked for 5 miles last night

It was Christmas Eve.

A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

"What is that?" he asked.

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'M...

Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas?

A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue

This year, every one of my kids agreed that they wanted a cat for Christmas

In retrospect, I should have just gone with the Turkey, like I do every year.

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.

If your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is New Year...

can i visit you between holidays?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the garden centre today to buy myself a Christmas tree

I went to the garden center today and bought myself a new Christmas tree, the store assistant asked me "will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "no, you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in my living room."

With all the havoc that Christmas deliveries bring, FedEx and UPS decided to come together.

Now they're FedUp.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don’t Jews celebrate Christmas?

They don’t want to be on anymore lists.

Knew a girl that had a Christmas tattoo on one leg and a New Years tattoo on the other.

I asked if I could come up between the holidays.

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

What did a kid with no hands get for christmas?

Mittens!

Just kidding he's still trying to open it

Imagine getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas

That would suck

To all those who received a book from me for Christmas

They're due back at the library today

This year, Starbucks are issuing a new cup size for Christmas.

It's called the Adventi.

I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

what is something you can give out as a Christmas gift but still able to keep it at the same time?

flu

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy.

This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me

What was the ram’s favourite Christmas carol?

All I Want for Christmas is Ewe

Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has No L.

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

Just found an unopened Christmas present from last year.

Imagine giving someone a dog skeleton!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Actually looking forward to Christmas this year for once.

I usually get terrible presents for the Mrs that she don’t actually want, but this year found her Christmas list and I've got everything on it;

Eggs

Milk

Bread

Butter

Bacon

Sugar

Toilet roll

She's going to be well impressed

2 call girls are discussing Christmas

"So what are you going to ask Santa Clause?"

"Oh, I think my normal price!"

My wife and I were discussing Christmas presents

I asked what she wanted and she said "if you love me, you'll get me this vintage Barbie playset I had when I was a kid; it's only $500 on eBay."

I told her no, that I didn't want to set unrealistic expectations for our children.

"You mean expectations about ideal female physical attri...

Not a joke just wishing you all a merry Christmas

And a funny new year

May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"...

Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.