On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

What is the psychiatric ward's favorite Christmas song?

"Do you hear what I hear?"

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Mother: 'Sweetie, make a Christmas wish.'

Daughter: 'I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in Daddy's computer.'

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

My friend wouldn't come to my Christmas party

and when I asked him why he said he was CLAUStrophobic

What’s a redditor’s favorite Christmas song?

Silver and gold

First Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.

What did Donnie ask to get for Christmas?

I want nothing.

I want nothing.

Just tell McConnell to do the right thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Christmas Eve and Santa is very angry...

...his reindeer cannot fly because they ended up drinking mulled wine and are now very drunk. His elves are refusing to produce any more presents because they are angry about their pay and an angel Santa sent off to get a Christmas tree hasn't returned yet. "How the hell am I going to get Christmas ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m going to give my boss a sweater and a dildo for Christmas

That way if she doesn’t like the sweater she can go fuck herself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Mike Pence sing Christmas songs?

It might make the Yuletide gay.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

Christers

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels an...

I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'

'Its called an Umlaut.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by...

He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?"
Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees.

The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen....

The first verse of Mariah Carey's 'Christmas' is a diss.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas"

...

"All I want for Christmas Is you"

What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

What do journalists like to find inside their Christmas crackers?

A pull-it surprise.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

Me: *sipping toast* Why?

Went out today and bought a Christmas tree, the fella who sold me it asked me was I going to put it up myself, I told him no i'm putting it in my sitting room

Found this somewhere. Lmao

So my Nan goes down to the local game store...

I'm a big fan of the Halo series, so for Christmas, I asked my Nan to buy me a Halo model from the local game shop. So she goes down to the shop and is greeted by a very nice man at the store who asks her what she wants to buy. She sends me a text asking me what I wanted.

I send a text back s...

Tampex has announced they are replacing the string on their products with tinsel.

For the Christmas period.

Went to the book store for the Christmas sale “1/3 off all titles”

I got a lovely copy of “The Lion, The Witch”

My Girlfriend has been hinting that she wants a ring for Christmas

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she opens up her new video doorbell!

Christmas is cancelled.

Santa has passed away by natural clauses.

My friend suffers from narcolepsy and is really looking forward to Christmas.

Just 214 sleeps to go.

Cashier: do you want cash back?

Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's Ring of Fire, I Walk The Line. Let's not forget his Christmas album

The Shining

is my favourite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

Advanced parenting

Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes in Christmas wrapping paper. When your child misbehaves, toss one into the fire.

It’s almost that time of year when the fat beardy person comes round to give all the kids their Christmas presents....

Man I hate it when the mother-in-law is in town.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, The very next day,

Your body rejected the transplant and you died.

Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

Great news for insomniacs

Only 2 more sleeps until Christmas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl was talking to a cop on Christmas day...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop c...

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

Pet birds are the hot Christmas gift this year

They are flying off the shelves

I was putting up Christmas lights today.

I was putting up Christmas lights today.

I fell off a 32' extension ladder.





Good thing I was only on the first rung.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Santa's sack shrink throughout Christmas Eve?

Because at every house he visits, he cums down the chimney

So this is how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree...

Santa Claus was in a very bad mood. All the reindeer had colds,Rudolph's nose went out. The elves screwed up most of the toys. Mrs. Claus was nagging him and she burnt the Christmas cookies. Just when he hooks his brand new red suit on a nail hanging out of the wall he told an elf to pound in a wee...

Last Christmas I made Santa cry...

How you may ask? Just pinch his sack!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everybody hear about the new “Divorce” Barbie coming out for Christmas?

She comes with all of Ken’s shit too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who worked at the post office.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an ...

A man is visited by the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

Man: Whaaaaaaat are you three doing here?!?! I've enjoyed Christmas all my life, I've donated to Orphanages and Children's Hospitals every year, I open my mansion every Christmas to my friends, family, and their kids of course, to come together for one jolly ole' party, and hell I just took in this ...

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

What do Christmas ornaments and Epstein have in common

They don’t hang themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a pimp with three hoes say to them on Christmas morning?

"BITCHES, get back to work!"

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

What do all the female reindeer do when Santa leaves with their guys on Christmas?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

Why didn't the turkey finish his Christmas dinner?

He was stuffed.

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women are talking about their Christmas gifts.

'My husband gave me these beautiful earrings, I love them and I wear them everyday!', says the first woman.

'Oh, that's wonderful!', replies the second one.

'Well, my husband is going to take me on a trip to the Caribbean! I'm so looking forward to it.', then says the third woman.
<...

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.

Little girl says to her mum, for Christmas I want a GI Joe to go with my Barbie.

Mum says I thought Barbie came with Ken, Little girl replies, no she fakes it with Ken:

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

What did the blind,deaf,and mute kid get for Christmas

Cancer

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because, Oct 31 = Dec 25.

Christmas Eve, cop pulls over a man for speeding

Cop says "Listen, It's Christmas, I wanna end my shift and go home, and not have to do paper work. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off".

Speeder thinks a minute, then replies "My wife left me for a cop, and I was afraid he was you and you were bringing her...

What did the sheep say to the pig on Christmas Day?

Fleece Navidad

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas

Normally I do turkey but hey, if it wil make them happy.

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.



Just kidding.



They haven't opened it yet.

When I was a kid, I really wanted a dog. My dad told me if I prayed hard enough then miracles could happen. So I prayed all year, and then on Christmas a miracle happened!

Dad went blind! I finally got my dog

My family celebrates Christmas religiously

Every year.

A man goes to the Christmas Tree Store

A man goes to the Christmas Tree Store to pick out the perfect family tree. He finds the best one in the store and says to the salesman

‘I’ll take this one!’

‘Excellent choice!’ says the salesman, ‘are you going to put it up yourself?’

‘Yuck, no!’ explains the man, ‘I’m putting...

A young girl is praying before bed on Christmas Eve...

"Dear God, please help me with my dyslexia, Mom and Dad had to help me with my list to santa. I almost asked Satan for my first bar. I was so embarrassed. Also, please be with those poorer and less fortunate than us. Amen"

And God said to the little girl, "Woof!"

People say Christmas is a Pagan holiday...

But a senior figure dispensing the contents of his sack to every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

(Dark Humor) What did the handless guy get for Christmas?

Its still a mystery cause he hasn't opened his present yet.

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened his presents yet.

For Christmas I'm getting myself a 4K TV.

That's gonna be my new year's resolution.

Dyslexics are terrified of Christmas

They think Satan is coming

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American society is best summarized by Christmas time

People who buy a bunch of shit while being surrounded by snowflakes.

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

Why was the smoker disappointed on Christmas?

Because he got clothes but no cigar.

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