A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

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I asked my wife if she preferred Christmas or sex.

She replied:

“I prefer sex. We have Christmas every year.”

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

If I don't get a girlfriend by Christmas.

The mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

Why do trees never get Christmas presents?

Cause they’re so knotty.

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What’s the difference between your penis and your Christmas bonus?

Your wife will blow your Christmas Bonus.

One Christmas Eve Santa comes down the chimney

He is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with m...

What Christmas carol do they sing at a Psychiatric hospital?

Do you hear what I hear?

A C-Level, a middle manager and a worker talk at the Christmas party of their company.

They discuss what to do with the Christmas bonus.

"Well", said the C-Level, "I'm probably gonna do a trip around the world, expand my villa in Malibu and with the rest, well, maybe a new Ferrari"

Said the middle manager "Well, I'm gonna make a vacation in Malibu and get a pool for my h...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

I asked for a pair of vans last Christmas...

So my dad got me two ford transits

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Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

Christmas night

One night as santa was doing his usual job of putting gifts under the Christmas tree a kid woke up and asked Santa
"Santa? Why are your sacks so big?"
"Because i come once a year"

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Your ex told me you remind her of her Christmas tree...

Your balls are only there for decoration purposes!

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Pete writes a letter to Santa the day before Christmas. It says: "Dear Santa, please be so kind and give me 100$, I was a good kid this year and we are very poor".

He posts it and waits patiently. The next day one of tha mailmen opens it and reads the letter. He feels really sorry for the kid knowing he won't get the money.

The postman talks to other colleagues and they feel sorry for the poor kid too. They manage to assemble 50$ only. Although it's not...

When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

What did the homeless guy get for Christmas

Very hungry

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

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Little Johnny and his family are preparing for Christmas dinner.

Johnny goes upstairs to his brothers room while he’s playing video games. His brother gets a kill and yells “Yeah, eat that bitch!”
Little Johnny asks, “Hey bro, what does that word mean?”
His brother looks around hurriedly and replies “It means uh...a lovely lady.”

Little Johnny goe...

I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus

He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me

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A Christmas Miracle

It was Christmas time and the lady answered the door to the mailman. She said come inside I have something for you. She took him upstairs and screwed his brains out. The next morning she cooked him a huge breakfast and gave him a dollar. The mailman asked what just happened. She said “I asked my hus...

What do you call a cat you get for Christmas?

Santa Claws

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,

I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Why was the dyslexic child sad on Christmas?

He received presents from Satan.

Why is being a parent on Christmas Day like being at work?

You do all the work and some guy in a suit takes credit.

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

Why did the kids start eating the puzzle on Christmas?

Because their uncle said it was a piece of cake!

Did you hear about the blind guy who got a cheese grater for Christmas?

Said it was the most violent book he’d ever read

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas Tree

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy...

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

“Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas this year.”

“I have felt your presents.”

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.

The other letters were not-E.

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Three men for and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls ...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks of vacation during Christmas?”

Boss: It’s May.

Me: I’m sorry. May I get two weeks off during Christmas?

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Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

WIFE : I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?

Because they were not E

Why do Mexicans make tamales for Christmas?

So all of the little ninos and ninas actually have something to unwrap.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a Christmas candle", he said.

"You may pass through the ...

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Bought a Christmas tree today. The salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, in my living room

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

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Covid Christmas carol

(Didnt know where else to post, remove if not allowed, got bored at home and this is result...)

[Chorus]
You better watchout,
You better stay inside,
You better go bulk buy,
And Im telling you why,
Cronavirus is coming to town

A mutating virus,
Its infecting twice,...

Santa’s Reindeer’s competition

In the days leading up until Christmas, all of Santa’s reindeer throw a party, with each reindeer throwing their own party on a different day. During the day before Christmas Eve, the elves, reindeer, and Claus’ would decide who threw the best party that year and there would be a prize.

The d...

Insomnia is awful.

But on the plus side, only three more sleeps till Christmas.

What’s the best way to dispose of your Christmas tree?

Put it on the curb and wait for Lindsey Lohan to steal it

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time...

The man looks at the tree.

"Only one last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.

He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

Why did dyslexic Karen go to the Christmas nativity?

To see the manger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

Why do engineers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because OCT 31= DEC 25.

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.


Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

I floss religiously.

Every Easter and Christmas.

I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'

'Its called an Umlaut.'

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

This really is the best time of year to be an insomniac.

Only seven more sleeps until Halloween and fourteen until Christmas!

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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.

I'm starting a Christmas themed thrash band.

Thinking of calling it Sleigher.

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Oh Possums!

As a band of possums had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the possums were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with god's divine will.
...

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he open it

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An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas

"Dear santa,
I have no money this Christmas for any toys. please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched...

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Cancer.


I’m just kidding he hasn’t opened it yet.

So a poor man walks into a pet store

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”...

What she wanted most for Christmas

This Christmas my wife said she’d like nothing more than a new car.

So I’m getting her what she wanted most.

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

I got a gun for Christmas but I can’t fire it

I suppose I should check the “Trouble Shooting?” guide

Some people take Christmas way too serious...

It's 362 days away and people already have their decorations up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl was talking to a cop on Christmas day...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop c...

My sister and her girlfriend got me a watch for Christmas

It was a nice but that wasn't what I ment when I said I wannna watch.

Went to the book store for the Christmas sale “1/3 off all titles”

I got a lovely copy of “The Lion, The Witch”

My five-year-old said he wanted a kitten for Christmas.

Usually we have turkey, but why not?

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was?

It looks like rain, dear.

Did you hear about the orphans that got their Christmas presents stolen?

I heard it was the second worst thing that ever happened to them.

What did the turmeric say when there was a knock on the door during Christmas Dinner??

"Cumin! Tis' the season!"

I'm religious about brushing my teeth.

I do it twice a year on Christmas and Easter.

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying...

What does Jeffrey Epstein have in common with Christmas decorations?

They’re always hung way too early.

Went out today and bought a Christmas tree, the fella who sold me it asked me was I going to put it up myself, I told him no i'm putting it in my sitting room

Found this somewhere. Lmao

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Santa Claus masturbate on Christmas?

Because he doesn't exist.

Why are christmas trees so fond of the past?

Because the present's beneath them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, the little fucker wouldn't be able to open it anyway.

How much money does Mariah Carey make every Christmas?

More than you could ever know

Who is the king of christmas music?

Elfis Presently

Our son want a puppy for Christmas

We usually have turkey, but if that can make him happy...

Why was Santa's sack empty at the end of Christmas night?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

I bought my girlfriend an artificial leg for Christmas this year

I thought it would make a great stocking filler

I bought the wife some new vibrators for christmas.

A washing machine, a dishwasher and a lawnmower.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought my parents were buying me a car for Christmas

And all I got was a shitty toy Yoda.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

How do you wish Beethoven aMerry Christmas?

Fur-Elise Navidad!

My mom’s favorite Christmas joke: ”Knock knock...”

Who’s there?
“Centipede”
Centipede who?
“Centipede under the Christmas tree!”

I was in home for Christmas

My parents cooked a beef tenderloin. I said:
"Man, Budapest gonna love this"
They asked me who Budapest was.
"I named my stomach Budapest because it's the capital of HUNGRY"
And that's when they stopped calling me son.

What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas ornaments?

The ornaments can be rehung again next year.

What do you call Eggs Benedict served during Christmas?

Happy Hollandaise.

I’m going to start hosting Christmas orgys

It’s a time when we should all come together

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping

at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 year...

I agree we should keep the “Christ” in Christmas but is there any way we could also work Goku in there?

I'm just Saiyan.
#
#
Merry Christmas yah filthy animals.

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