Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.




Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

In what city do bad kids get iron instead of coal for Christmas?

Santa Fe

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

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What's the similarity between a vasectomized man and a Christmas tree?

The balls are just for show.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

The best part of insomnia is...

It's only 10 more sleeps until Christmas!

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Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

More songs that need to be banned for Christmas

Since some folks have decided that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity

2....

Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying ...

Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Walmart will be closed for Christmas

so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.

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Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

It's almost christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other

One says to the other: 'So, what are you going to ask of Santa?'

Says the other: 'I think my regular price.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas Party

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost to...

People say Christmas is a Pagan holiday but...

a senior figure coming for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Roses are red

Violets are bluish
If it wasn’t for Christmas
We’d all be Jewish


I don’t know if this has been posted before but I heard it from one of my uncles.

Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas?

Because it soots him

Your mom is like a Christmas Tree...

she gets lit and covered in balls

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas

I think a traditional turkey would taste better but it's her choice.

What did Santa say to the fourth prostitute he slept with on Christmas day?

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm gonna stop at 3 ho's.

With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies "well I know he's a bad driver and a moron"

Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I surprised my family today and made the Christmas dinner from scratch.

They started crying.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway...

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

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One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

What does a meth head want for Christmas?

Their two front teeth.

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like brussel sprouts!!!

We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year

He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary

What did the artificial Pokemon say after being greeted, "Merry Christmas"?

Mewtwo.

Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out...

...must have been from my uncle Ben.

I was buying a large Christmas tree...

... and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?"

I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling...

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What's the difference between a christmas bonus and a penis?

The wife still blows the bonus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW My wife brought me a fitness watch for Christmas....

Apparently I wanked for 5 miles last night

I recently bought a Christmas Tree. The guy I bought it from asked "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking in the living room"

- Gary Delaney

Tampax are considering using tinsel instead of string

Just for the Christmas period

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" says the man.

"I think it's snowing" says the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

...

What did the homeless guy get for Christmas

Very hungry

I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas

It's not her main present, just a stocking filler!

My friend bought me a really ugly calculator for Christmas.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

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I hate Christmas

Whoever this holiday is meant for should be nailed up on a fucking cross.

Being dyslexic sucks during Christmas.

My letters to Satan never get answered.

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Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo...

If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!

Knew a girl that had a Christmas tattoo on one leg and a New Years tattoo on the other.

I asked if I could come up between the holidays.

I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Father Christmas thought of him.

Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas?

A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue

To all those who received a book from me for Christmas

They're due back at the library today

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife for Christmas?" The rich man responds, "Diamond earrings and a new Mercedes."

The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" Then, the rich man replies, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the s...

My kids wanted a cat for Christmas.

I was going to cook a turkey, but hey, whatever makes them happy.

It was Christmas Eve.

A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

"What is that?" he asked.

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'M...

This year, every one of my kids agreed that they wanted a cat for Christmas

In retrospect, I should have just gone with the Turkey, like I do every year.

With all the havoc that Christmas deliveries bring, FedEx and UPS decided to come together.

Now they're FedUp.

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Why don’t Jews celebrate Christmas?

They don’t want to be on anymore lists.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the garden centre today to buy myself a Christmas tree

I went to the garden center today and bought myself a new Christmas tree, the store assistant asked me "will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "no, you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in my living room."

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

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I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy.

This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me

What's a mathematician's favorite Christmas song?

Angles we have heard in high, sweetly singing o'er the plane.

what is something you can give out as a Christmas gift but still able to keep it at the same time?

flu

Why was the dyslexic kid sad on Christmas Morning?

He wrote his letter to Satan

What did a kid with no hands get for christmas?

Mittens!

Just kidding he's still trying to open it

Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has No L.

What was the ram’s favourite Christmas carol?

All I Want for Christmas is Ewe

Just found an unopened Christmas present from last year.

Imagine giving someone a dog skeleton!

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

My wife and I were discussing Christmas presents

I asked what she wanted and she said "if you love me, you'll get me this vintage Barbie playset I had when I was a kid; it's only $500 on eBay."

I told her no, that I didn't want to set unrealistic expectations for our children.

"You mean expectations about ideal female physical attri...

Imagine getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas

That would suck

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Actually looking forward to Christmas this year for once.

I usually get terrible presents for the Mrs that she don’t actually want, but this year found her Christmas list and I've got everything on it;

Eggs

Milk

Bread

Butter

Bacon

Sugar

Toilet roll

She's going to be well impressed

2 call girls are discussing Christmas

"So what are you going to ask Santa Clause?"

"Oh, I think my normal price!"

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?

Because he'd alienated all of his friends and family by repeatedly asking them to touch his bones.

This year, Starbucks are issuing a new cup size for Christmas.

It's called the Adventi.

I love Christmas, I have the heart of a small child

In a jar on my desk.

Why is Christmas like a day at work?

You do all the work and someone in a suit takes all the credit.

Not a joke just wishing you all a merry Christmas

And a funny new year

Why does Mrs Clause pray for a white Christmas?

Because Santa always comes once a year.

A friend got me a rat wearing a tank top for Christmas.

He said, “It’s a gymrat. I hope he works out for you.”

May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"...

Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.

I gave my mom a sad book for Christmas

I told her to read it and weep

Wife: I regret getting you that train conductor hat for Christmas.

Me: Your ticket please.

Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia

He just gives them a big wave.

What did I get for Christmas you ask?

I got depressed.

Christmas joke

Little Johnny writes a letter to Santa and says “santa can you bring me a baby brother” santa writes back “ hi little Johnny, can you send me your mother”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas Presents

Timmy’s father is a badminton hobbyist, he wants to get Timmy interested in badminton as well so they can play together. Therefore, he gave Timmy a badminton racket and a few shuttlecocks as Timmy’s Christmas presents.

After the holiday, Timmy and his friends gathered and talked about their p...

Do you want to hear a dad joke about Christmas wrapping paper?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

Hannibal Lecter was telling me about his wonderful Christmas.

He had an old friend for dinner.

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

Little Johnny wore his Halloween costume to Christmas dinner.

Dad allowed it since oct(31) = dec(25)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I brought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo for Christmas this year

So if she don’t like the shoes she can go fuck herself

A poor, struggling couple decided on no gifts for Christmas

On Christmas morning, the woman wakes up her husband:
"Honey, I know we said no gifts but I wanted to still celebrate Christmas with what we have."

She takes out two lighters and holds them in each hand exclaiming "look, Christmas lights!"
Next, she takes out a pair of keys and rattles ...

What's your favorite drink to have during Christmas time? Mine is the Little Drummer Boy.

It's 1 part rum, 3 parts pum.

Why didn't the Germans have any cakes at Christmas

Because they were all stollen

It was Christmas time and everyone was feeling Merry.

So she went home.

Why is Christmas General Zod's favourite time of the year?

....Because it's No-El....

Christmas tip

Christmas tip: wrap a bunch of empty boxes under the tree and every time one your kids misbehaves toss one into the fire


Of course be careful not to run out of children

On Christmas, a thief took my german bread.

I guess you can say it was stollen.

Three blondes go into the woods to find the perfect Christmas Tree

After hours of searching one says:

​

"Maybe we should just take one of these without the ornaments!?"

Merry Christmas everyone from r/Jokes!

I hope this post will be online by the 24th as I am using Internet explorer.

How does a pyromaniac react when they get flammable Coco cola for Christmas?

He's soda lighted!

A Russian Christmas joke...

There once was vicious Russian Czar named Rudolph the Red. On a cold winter day, he looked out his castle window and remarked to his wife, "I do believe it's raining." His wife replied, "Rudolph, It's far too cold for rain, it must be sleet or snow."

He yelled back angrily, "Impossible! Rudo...

I got one of those digital assistant things for Christmas, but I think it's defective

It refuses to open the pod bay doors.

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I bought a Christmas tree, whilst packing it up to take home the shop assistant asked me if I was putting it up myself

I told them it was none of their business but I was putting it up in my living room, dirty bastard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas time is a time of giving, not receiving.

Which causes arguments between gay couples every year.