Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

I am so excited about Christmas. The best part is staying up late waiting for Santa to come!

But than there is always that awkward silence as he gets dressed and leaves...

I bought a Christmas tree today.

The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself and I said no, in my living room.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves!!!

Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.

I'm giving up drinking till christmas

Bad punctuation, can't edit title

I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

Christmas reminds me of my ex

Ho ho ho!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

How are Christmas ornaments and Jeffery Epstein the same?

They don't hang themselves.

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

If you want an unbeatable christmas present for your friend,

get them a broken drum.

My dauther wants a pony for christmas.

Well, usually we have duck for dinner, but this will be something new!

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas lights have in common?

You can pay someone to hang ‘em

What do a christmas tree and Donald Trump have in common?

Both will be out in January.

Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

If you’re alone at Christmas, just send me a message. :)

I have so many people coming over I’d like to borrow your chairs if you don’t need them.

We'll receive our Christmas presents on the 8th of Jan

Coz Santa needs to quarantine for 14 days.

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

Classical joke for Christmas period.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?

What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?

Area Codes by Ludacris

I'm going bobsleighing this christmas

my targets include - Bob Geldof, Bob Dylan, Bob saget and Spongebob

Back in the day we were so poor at Christmas...

That my parents bought me a pair of trousers and cut the pockets out just so I would have something to play with.

What's Mrs.Claus's favourite Christmas song?

Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane!

Every Christmas Santa reminds me of my girlfriend

I never saw her

Merry Christmas from the FAA

Santa decided to make sure that his equipment was working. He hitched up the reindeer and ran pre-flight tests on the sleigh. Everything was just fine. As he swung up into the seat, he sees a man wearing a trenchcoat and carrying a shotgun walking towards him.

The man smiles and says, "Hi! I'...

Why is Christmas a tree's worst nightmare?

They watch their friend's corpse get decorated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

Why do the Autobots do their Christmas shopping at night?

Because that's when they get pajamas on Prime.


It's okay, even I would downvote this.

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

Why is it so hard to shop for Darth Vader for Christmas?

Because he can feel your presents.

Wife: "I regret getting you that blender for christmas"

Me: (Drinking toast) "Why?"

My friend with narcolepsy is looking forward to Christmas

Just 500 sleeps to go now

0 isn't getting anything for christmas this year

hes been very noughty

I go around throwing a stone at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. What is the name of this stone?

It's my Jingle Bell Rock.

I remember last Christmas, we were playing charades and my grandad was up, suddenly he collapsed and did a huge fart.

I guessed “Gone with the wind?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts.

The plot Dickens.

Have you heard the Norse Christmas song?

Vahalalalalala

My wife bought me some iron ore for Christmas.

She seems to have misunderstood when I asked for a slag.

One November night, a man suggests a Christmas movie when trying to choose something to watch with his wife.

"We can't watch that," says the wife. "We have to wait until December." The husband agrees to this, so they watch something else.

Several months later, in the middle of Summer, the wife sees something that reminds her of an event from her past. "Wanna hear something funny that happened when I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

I asked my son what he wanted for Christmas, he said, I’d like a bookmark.

I cried, nearly 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Barry.

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

I just bought an Adidas Christmas sweater from Mexico.

Fleece Adidas.

"I got everything I ever wanted for Christmas, and Santa brought you nothing!!" said little Sam to his elder brother.

"But at least I do not have Leukemia"

My dog ate a string of Christmas lights.

The vet was able to remove them.
He said the dog was delighted.

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."

And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"

"Did you know that Christmas day falls on a Friday this year?" said one blonde to another.

"Oh dear!!" her friend replied, "I hope it's not the 13th?"

Why does the man decorate his house Christmas themed for Halloween?

To scare people who are claustrophobic

Around this time of the year, I start carrying around a stone with me to throw at people who are singing Christmas songs already.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

Why don't people with dyslexia like Christmas?

They don't like getting presents from Satan.

Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips?

Pine-terist

This will be the first year my family and I won't be spending the Christmas holidays in the Bahamas because of covid.

Usually it's because we're poor.

What did the cannibalistic teddy eat for Christmas?

Stuffing.

50 cent gave Eminem a Christmas gift

Eminem was taken aback and choked up as he unwrapped the beautiful hand-made Christmas sweater.

Holding back tears, he turns to 50 and asks...

G-g-g-gee, you knit?

Why do trees never get Christmas presents?

Cause they’re so knotty.

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

A C-Level, a middle manager and a worker talk at the Christmas party of their company.

They discuss what to do with the Christmas bonus.

"Well", said the C-Level, "I'm probably gonna do a trip around the world, expand my villa in Malibu and with the rest, well, maybe a new Ferrari"

Said the middle manager "Well, I'm gonna make a vacation in Malibu and get a pool for my h...

Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

What did the blind, deaf, and dumb orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer

What's the best Christmas present?

The Nevada vote count.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between your penis and your Christmas bonus?

Your wife will blow your Christmas Bonus.

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it’s still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

Why did the Karen travel to Bethlehem on Christmas Eve?

She wanted to speak to the manger!

What Christmas carol do they sing at a Psychiatric hospital?

Do you hear what I hear?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

My family was so poor when I was a kid...

We could only exchange glances at Christmas!

When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his son what he wants for christmas...

A man asks his son what he wants for christmas. His son, simply says : "You know dad, I'd really like a yellow ball".

The father is confused by this, he tells him : "You know, you can ask for something better, I got a christmas bonus this year, we can afford it. Are you sure you don't want so...

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing ... it’s on the house.

Figured I would kick off the Christmas jokes with one of my favourites.

My family has a competition on christmas every year on who can make my Granny cry the most with our gifts

This year: Pepper spray

I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus

He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Birthday Gift For My Dad

This conversation has to have come up before with these devices. I generally don't have much wit, but my Dad pitched me such a lob, I couldn't resist to nail him with the "obvious."

I called my Dad to ask him if he might like a set of Tile Stickers. These are cool little devices you can stick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pete writes a letter to Santa the day before Christmas. It says: "Dear Santa, please be so kind and give me 100$, I was a good kid this year and we are very poor".

He posts it and waits patiently. The next day one of tha mailmen opens it and reads the letter. He feels really sorry for the kid knowing he won't get the money.

The postman talks to other colleagues and they feel sorry for the poor kid too. They manage to assemble 50$ only. Although it's not...

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,

I can't wait to see how it turns out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

If I don't get a girlfriend by Christmas.

The mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

Christmas night

One night as santa was doing his usual job of putting gifts under the Christmas tree a kid woke up and asked Santa
"Santa? Why are your sacks so big?"
"Because i come once a year"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your ex told me you remind her of her Christmas tree...

Your balls are only there for decoration purposes!

What do you call a cat you get for Christmas?

Santa Claws

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christmas Miracle

It was Christmas time and the lady answered the door to the mailman. She said come inside I have something for you. She took him upstairs and screwed his brains out. The next morning she cooked him a huge breakfast and gave him a dollar. The mailman asked what just happened. She said “I asked my hus...

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa say to the three prostitutes standing on the corner.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

Why is being a parent on Christmas Day like being at work?

You do all the work and some guy in a suit takes credit.

Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.

The other letters were not-E.

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

Did you hear about the blind guy who got a cheese grater for Christmas?

Said it was the most violent book he’d ever read

I asked for a pair of vans last Christmas...

So my dad got me two ford transits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny and his family are preparing for Christmas dinner.

Johnny goes upstairs to his brothers room while he’s playing video games. His brother gets a kill and yells “Yeah, eat that bitch!”
Little Johnny asks, “Hey bro, what does that word mean?”
His brother looks around hurriedly and replies “It means uh...a lovely lady.”

Little Johnny goe...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas Tree

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

I saw a sign that read 'Give Blood' and thought

'Yeah, that'll freak the kids out on Christmas morning'.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy...

Why did the kids start eating the puzzle on Christmas?

Because their uncle said it was a piece of cake!

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

What’s the best thing about living in Colombia?

You always get a white Christmas.

Well,I Decked the Halls today...

They kept coming over singing those damn Christmas carols. Bah humbug!

A mathematician walks into a pub on Halloween.

The bartender hands him a menu with all of the holiday specials. The mathematician orders a “pumpkin porter.” When he finishes it, he orders a “witch’s brew.”

Later, he orders a pint of “Santa stout.” After paying his tab, the mathematician leaves.

An old guy sitting at the end of the...

I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real.

I wish somebody had warned me because my kids were really disappointed.

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks of vacation during Christmas?”

Boss: It’s May.

Me: I’m sorry. May I get two weeks off during Christmas?

I am so exited.

Only one more lock-down till Christmas.

Dad dates a lot of Denise’s

So true story that I laugh about from time to time: as I sit here on the thrown I thought would share with the world...

My father dated three woman for various years but they just so happen to have the same name... Of course we noticed this poked fun at him about it but these are years apart...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?

Because they were not E

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