Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Unused Christmas present.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


She asked me: Why,?

I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW It's Christmas time and the local mailman is doing his rounds...

As he approaches one of the houses on his route the door opens and a beautiful woman is standing there with nothing on but an open button down shirt. She grabs the mailman by the hand and takes him upstairs. After a vigorous session of sex, she gives him a $5 bill and offers to make him breakfast. H...

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife gave me anal sex for Christmas

It was the shittiest gift I ever received.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper.

It's my job to talk them down.

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas.

She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves...

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas lights have in common?

They both get turned on by children.

What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ?

They both get thrown out in January

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

Bought my friend a Fridge for Christmas

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Did you hear about the German that couldn’t eat his Christmas cake?

It was stollen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are some of the same things you can say while decorating a Christmas tree and while having sex?

"It's a shame we only do it only once a year!"

"It's so goddamn prickly."

"Put the balls on very carefully"

"Enough on this side, turn it around"

"Fake one just doesn't have the smell and feel right."

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves!!!

Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.

Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....

It was a partridge on a par 3.

My son is dyslexic. Every year he writes his Christmas wishlist...

...and sends it off to Satan.

I gave my kid a harmonica for Christmas.

And unfortunately he loves it.

What do you call a call a bratty child that's mad that they didn't get a PS5 for Christmas?

inconsolable

One day, a little boy decides to write his Christmas letter as usual. When all of a sudden, his mom pops into his room.

Mom: What are you doing son?

Boy: Writing my letter to santa mom

Mom: With how bad you've been this year you'll have to write a letter to Jesus to get anything!

So the boy starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what he's going to say.

'Dear Jesus, I'v...

For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

Friends, just a reminder to those who received a book from me at Christmas...

They are due back in the library this Friday.

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

Did anyone get a U2. Satellite Navigation System for Christmas?

I am returning my one, The Streets have no name.

And I still haven't found what I am looking for.

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

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A poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"

The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."


The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are yo...

I'm giving up drinking till christmas

Bad punctuation, can't edit title

I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population.

What did all of Donald Trump's closest friends say to him at Christmas?

I beg your pardon.

"Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"

Mother : "No, you'll be getting turkey, like every year."

What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?

A Christmas tree will stay up for weeks, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas

she said " I want a divorce"
I replied " I wasn't planning to spend that much".

What's the best way to get upvotes on Christmas Eve?

It's a piece of cake.

Can I have a week off around Christmas?

Asked the man.
Boss: It’s May.
Man: Sorry, MAY I have a week off around Christmas?

My mathematician girlfriend was sad she couldn't afford me a gift for Christmas. So to cheer her up

I said, "Baby you're my Christmas gift. It's the 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙨."

One day in quarantine I was bored and lit some candles from our still standing christmas tree...

At 11 pm I finally reached the candle at the top of the tree.

It was the highlight of the evening.

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

What is something you can say to praise a Christmas tree but shouldn't say about a woman?

Looks pretty in the darkness.

How do you wash your hands on christmas?

With Santatizer!

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

At this time of year, it's important to remember that a dog isn't just for Christmas

You can also have it cold on boxing day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While watching an action movie I took a fatal dose of Viagra at Christmas

#Diehard

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For Christmas, I brought my girlfriend home to meet the family,

And my wife was like, "What the fuck?"

My kids want a puppy for Christmas

I mean, I normally do a ham, but they seem pretty adamant so we will see how it goes!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke bought him for Christmas?

He felt his ...presence

I got a sweater for Christmas...

I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner.

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

My wife bought herself new bras for Christmas

She was updating her firmware

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a porn star's favourite Christmas tradition?

Kissing underneath the camel toe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Early Christmas morning little Johnny got

Onto his brand new bike and was riding around when a policeman on horseback comes up to him.

"My my son, did Santa Claus bring you that shiny new bike for Christmas this year?"

"Yep, he sure did!" Little Johnny excitedly said.

The officer pulls out his ticket book and says,
"...

A blonde gets a Fitbit for Christmas

Her friend tells her to always try to get to 10,000 steps a day to lose weight.

One night it's 11.30pm and her boyfriend hears footsteps downstairs. He goes down to find her walking around the living room backwards.

"What ARE you doing?" he asks.

"Melanie told me to do 10,000 s...

What's a kidnapped child's favourite Christmas Carol?

Away with a stranger

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I figured what I'd get my ex for Christmas...

Just sent her a bunch of dildos. Now she can go fuck herself.

Why did the crossdresser love Christmas?

He could eat drink and be Mary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it ‘soots’ him.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas........

It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler.

It's hard buying Christmas presents for Buddhists

They desire nothing

Why was Luke under the Christmas tree?

He wanted to feel Obi Wan's presents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache

Had a case of cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"E...

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

My Christmas tree wss very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

It was absolutely delighted.

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I...

My dad only eats Eggs Benedict at Christmas, and only when we visit Grandma and Grandpa.

He says there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12...

But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids kept trying to find the Christmas presents so I put them in the attic

Now the pesky buggers are banging on the attic door asking to be let out

I swear Christmas decorations go up earlier and earlier every year.

It's 364 days till Christmas and my neighbours already have theirs up!

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Two guys are sitting at a bar discussing what they got their wives for Christmas

“I got Sheila a nice pearl necklace from that new jewelry store down the street. I think she’ll like it. What did you get Angie?”

“Well I got her two things this year. I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”

“Why’d you get her two things? Don’t you guys usually just do one?”

...

I finished off the last of the traditional German Christmas fruit bread late last night.

Now my wife is telling everyone it was stollen.

Its still christmas time

I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after christmas.

For example yesterday I saw someone giving his credit card and 5k$ to a guy who only had a knife...

Thanks to COVID, all military leave has been cancelled this Christmas

Sources indicate that this is tough for the officers and a real blow to the Privates.

i got the new Playstation 5 for Christmas.

i have a feeling that my neighbors will be looking for it.

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels!

I bought a Christmas tree today.

The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself and I said no, in my living room.

Why did Father Christmas go see a psychiatrist?

He stopped believing in himself.









\---

He is also a raging alcoholic and suffers from clinical depression.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got this from a book I got for Christmas

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, “On what day will I die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish Holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?”Demanded Hitler.
“Any day you die” she replied “will be a Jewish holiday.”

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas.

I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

What is a male praying mantis’ favorite Christmas movie?

Die Hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?

Toys for Thots.

Do you know what my dog said when I surprised him with his new favorite chew toy this Christmas?

Nothing. He was speechless.

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

What does r/jokes have in common with Christmas?

It’s the same six jokes retold by thousands of people.

Darth Vader always knew what Luke and Leia got him for Christmas, stating:

“I’ve felt your presents”

Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

Christmas is canceled

I told Santa you were good this year and he died laughing.

My wife bought me a Nintendo switch for Christmas.

In a few years I'll have enough parts to build a whole console.

My friend told me he is attracted to Christmas trees and people in animal costumes

He identifies as a douglas furry

Three men all passed away on Christmas Eve.

. Upon arrival at the pearly gates Saint Peter was feeling Joyous.

He asked each of them if they could produce something of the season he would grant them quick admission

The first fellow thought for a moment, pulled out a set of keys from his pocket, showed them To St. Peter, and repl...

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas?

It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.

People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas Eve movie.

Christmas gifts will be delivered on January 8 this year instead of December 25

Santa has been asked to quarantine for 14 days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree

They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"

I don't understand why cats climb Christmas trees...

they should be afraid of the BARK.

Christmas Cheer

Just texted my Girlfriend to see if she was coming over tonight after her family Christmas celebration.

She texted, "Let me guess, Netflix and chill."

I responded, "No baby, I upgraded to Disney Plus and Thrust"

My dauther wants a pony for christmas.

Well, usually we have duck for dinner, but this will be something new!

What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?

What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?

Area Codes by Ludacris

Covid Christmas in Canada

You can get together with your family on Christmas and smoke weed and the only illegal part is getting together with your family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American beer

American beer is like having sex on a canoe
- fucking close to water

Marry Christmas from Switzerland

What do you call a Christmas Tree that knows Kung Fu?

Spruce Lee

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas?

Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas wishes

Afternoon all, just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy year, most of all good health!
These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family, they just copy and paste some random shit and send it on.
So, aft...

Christmas Pageant

Sister Margaret's kindergarten class is performing the traditional Nativity scene for their adoring parents.

Cue the three magi.

The first little tyke bellows, "Here, I bring you a gift of gold!"

The second confidently says, "Here, I bring you myrrh!"

The third hesitate...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.

My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas...

He warped all the presents

Why did the Christmas ornament go to rehab?

Because he was hooked on trees.

If you’re alone at Christmas, just send me a message. :)

I have so many people coming over I’d like to borrow your chairs if you don’t need them.

Why was the ghost sad on Christmas Day?

Because he had no presence.

...sorry

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

Why do the Autobots do their Christmas shopping at night?

Because that's when they get pajamas on Prime.


It's okay, even I would downvote this.

Wife: "I regret getting you that blender for christmas"

Me: (Drinking toast) "Why?"

My sister hates Christmas because it means wrapping, and she hates wrapping.

I tried to motivate her by saying she was more than capable of wrapping, but she wouldn’t listen. So I decided to help by dropping a beat for her.

Christmas joke

I want to say thanks to all the CIA agents in this Christmas who listen to us fart through our phones without laughing

Christmas gift giving advice for the man who has everything.

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What do you get the man who has everything for Christmas?" she asks the bartender. "A divorce," the bartender replies. "Then he'll only have half of everything."

Christmas wrapping

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul. It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friends - please be careful this Christmas season

Friends - please be careful this Christmas season

Yesterday I went to Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I've never done before: I took a ...

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