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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees som...

My son’s dyslexic, and every year at Christmas, he gets all excited and writes his little list of all the presents he wants, and then he goes and sends it off to Satan.

Well, actually I send it off to Satan because he can’t spell.

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

This might be the nerdiest joke I know. Here's a bonus mathematical nerd joke:

Why don't riddles work in octal notation?

Because seven ten eleven.

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

Every Christmas day we have pigs in blankets.

Or as some people might call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas......

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

For Christmas I got my sister a dog.

In hindsight, I should poked some holes in the box.
.
.
.
Then again, I shouldn’t have wrapped it a week early.

An employee asks his boss, "Can I have two weeks off for Christmas?" His boss replied, "It's May...", to which the employee responded,

"Oh, sorry. May I have two weeks off for Christmas?"

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation...

"I think it's raining", says the man.

"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
...

What do you call a cow who's bratty on Christmas?

Ungulateful!

Why is Darth Vader such a spoilsport at Christmas?

Because he feels everyone's presents.

What do you call the Christmas tree of a General?

Highly Decorated

Why should Bo never cook dinner on Christmas?

Because he always Burnham

When I was a kid, for Christmas I asked for something to wear and something to play with ..

So my father gave me a pair of sweatpants and cut the pockets out.

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

Asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She said, “I’d like a pistol. Maybe a Glock?”
She gave me a t-shirt with a target on it.

This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

Saddam Hussein asks his daughter "What do you want for Christmas, love?"

She says "I want a new bag, dad"

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

What do you give an armless kid for Christmas

Nothing he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50 they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes, you see them and they make yo...

Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

How does an orphan celebrate Christmas?

Alone

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A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping

A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping on Madison Avenue when they run into each other and talk about the gifts they've bought their wives.

The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas and the rich man says "I got my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz" ...

Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?

Boss: It’s May.

Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

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One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

Yo Mama so fat

I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."

Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I ...

I'm giving up drinking till christmas

Bad punctuation, can't edit title

I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

We were so poor when I was growing up.....

That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.

My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!!

What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ?

They both get thrown out in January

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves!!!

Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.

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NSFW It's Christmas time and the local mailman is doing his rounds...

As he approaches one of the houses on his route the door opens and a beautiful woman is standing there with nothing on but an open button down shirt. She grabs the mailman by the hand and takes him upstairs. After a vigorous session of sex, she gives him a $5 bill and offers to make him breakfast. H...

Christmas Letters To Santa

Who gets the Christmas letters to Santa from dyslexic children? Alas not Santa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

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Christmas must be the most horny time of the year.

I mean, what other holiday has a decorative piece that’s sole purpose is to bust nuts?

Did you hear about the German that couldn’t eat his Christmas cake?

It was stollen

Unused Christmas present.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


She asked me: Why,?

I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Bought my friend a Fridge for Christmas

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

What do you call a call a bratty child that's mad that they didn't get a PS5 for Christmas?

inconsolable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife gave me anal sex for Christmas

It was the shittiest gift I ever received.

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How does a casual-catholic scientist collectively refer to Christmas and Easter church services?

Critical Mass.

{Ba-Dum-Tss}

One day, a little boy decides to write his Christmas letter as usual. When all of a sudden, his mom pops into his room.

Mom: What are you doing son?

Boy: Writing my letter to santa mom

Mom: With how bad you've been this year you'll have to write a letter to Jesus to get anything!

So the boy starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what he's going to say.

'Dear Jesus, I'v...

"Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"

Mother : "No, you'll be getting turkey, like every year."

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas lights have in common?

They both get turned on by children.

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

What did all of Donald Trump's closest friends say to him at Christmas?

I beg your pardon.

Did anyone get a U2. Satellite Navigation System for Christmas?

I am returning my one, The Streets have no name.

And I still haven't found what I am looking for.

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Christmas is like sex...

It's not about receiving, it's about giving. Also sitting on a fat guy's lap if you're into that.

What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?

A Christmas tree will stay up for weeks, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population.

My son is dyslexic. Every year he writes his Christmas wishlist...

...and sends it off to Satan.

It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper.

It's my job to talk them down.

What's the best way to get upvotes on Christmas Eve?

It's a piece of cake.

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

My kids want a puppy for Christmas

I mean, I normally do a ham, but they seem pretty adamant so we will see how it goes!

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas

she said " I want a divorce"
I replied " I wasn't planning to spend that much".

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas.

They're due back in the library this Friday, cheers.

What is something you can say to praise a Christmas tree but shouldn't say about a woman?

Looks pretty in the darkness.

My mathematician girlfriend was sad she couldn't afford me a gift for Christmas. So to cheer her up

I said, "Baby you're my Christmas gift. It's the 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙨."

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

At this time of year, it's important to remember that a dog isn't just for Christmas

You can also have it cold on boxing day.

What's a kidnapped child's favourite Christmas Carol?

Away with a stranger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For Christmas, I brought my girlfriend home to meet the family,

And my wife was like, "What the fuck?"

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

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Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

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What is a porn star's favourite Christmas tradition?

Kissing underneath the camel toe

I got a sweater for Christmas...

I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner.

Why does it never rain on Christmas Day?

Cause it would rain deer otherwise

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I figured what I'd get my ex for Christmas...

Just sent her a bunch of dildos. Now she can go fuck herself.

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said,...

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While watching an action movie I took a fatal dose of Viagra at Christmas

#Diehard

Why did the crossdresser love Christmas?

He could eat drink and be Mary

I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12...

But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it ‘soots’ him.

My wife bought herself new bras for Christmas

She was updating her firmware

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I...

My dad only eats Eggs Benedict at Christmas, and only when we visit Grandma and Grandpa.

He says there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

Why was Luke under the Christmas tree?

He wanted to feel Obi Wan's presents.

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids kept trying to find the Christmas presents so I put them in the attic

Now the pesky buggers are banging on the attic door asking to be let out

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache

Had a case of cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"E...

Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas........

It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Early Christmas morning little Johnny got

Onto his brand new bike and was riding around when a policeman on horseback comes up to him.

"My my son, did Santa Claus bring you that shiny new bike for Christmas this year?"

"Yep, he sure did!" Little Johnny excitedly said.

The officer pulls out his ticket book and says,
"...

Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

A blonde gets a Fitbit for Christmas

Her friend tells her to always try to get to 10,000 steps a day to lose weight.

One night it's 11.30pm and her boyfriend hears footsteps downstairs. He goes down to find her walking around the living room backwards.

"What ARE you doing?" he asks.

"Melanie told me to do 10,000 s...

Why did Father Christmas go see a psychiatrist?

He stopped believing in himself.









\---

He is also a raging alcoholic and suffers from clinical depression.

My dauther wants a pony for christmas.

Well, usually we have duck for dinner, but this will be something new!

Wife: "I regret getting you that blender for christmas"

Me: (Drinking toast) "Why?"

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are sitting at a bar discussing what they got their wives for Christmas

“I got Sheila a nice pearl necklace from that new jewelry store down the street. I think she’ll like it. What did you get Angie?”

“Well I got her two things this year. I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”

“Why’d you get her two things? Don’t you guys usually just do one?”

...

My Christmas tree wss very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

It was absolutely delighted.

Darth Vader always knew what Luke and Leia got him for Christmas, stating:

“I’ve felt your presents”

Thanks to COVID, all military leave has been cancelled this Christmas

Sources indicate that this is tough for the officers and a real blow to the Privates.

One day in quarantine I was bored and lit some candles from our still standing christmas tree...

At 11 pm I finally reached the candle at the top of the tree.

It was the highlight of the evening.

What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?

What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?

Area Codes by Ludacris

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

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