Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly...

...they feel a little precipitation. The man says, "I think it's raining, we should go back home."

The woman says, "No, I think it's snowing."

The couple argues about this for a few minutes. The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. "Let's ask th...

“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?”

“It’s May...”


“Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

I can always tell what’s in a Christmas present before I even open it.

It’s a gift

My child is so spoiled, I got him a trampoline for Christmas.

Instead of using it he just cried in his wheelchair.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

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"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Just kidding, he hasn't opened his present yet.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying ...

Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.

I bought my kid a theremin for Christmas

She hasn't touched it

What did the deaf, blind orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

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On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words

"Dear Santa,

My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me £20 so I can give it to my parents?

Love Kevin".

Touched, the postman searches his pockets, wh...

In my family it's traditional to have a Christmas jumper

and it's my job to talk them down.

What did the struggling, single mother get for Christmas?

An eviction notice.

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas

The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."

And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"

My uncle became a Christmas ornament...

He put a rope around his neck end hang himself onto a tree

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

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A kid is looking for his Christmas presents

He stumbles upon them in his parents closet and begins looking through them. As soon as he begins searching he hears the front door open. He panics and hides in the closet. Then his mom and a man(not his father) come into the bedroom and begin to get freaky. Then the front door opens again and it’s ...

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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

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Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

What was the name of the Italian inventor who hated Christmas?

Leonardo da Grinchi

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This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

What do Tiger woods, Farmers, and Christmas all have in common?

Ho, Ho, Ho.

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More songs that need to be banned for Christmas

Since some folks have decided that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity

2....

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

The best part of insomnia is...

It's only 10 more sleeps until Christmas!

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

What did the cross dresser do at Christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary

How does a sheep say Christmas?

Fleece Navidad

​

(one of my son's best, so he says)

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

A couple are Christmas shopping.

The shopping center is packed, and as the wife walks through one of the stores, she is surprised when she looks around to find that her husband is nowhere to be seen. She is quite upset because they had a lot to do. She becomes so worried that she calls him to ask where he is. In a quiet voice he sa...

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

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A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas

A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas, when the woman who owns the home invited him in. She starts to unbutton his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Things start to get heavy and she takes him to the bedroom. They have sex. After the mailman gets dressed to leave, the woman says, “oh I almo...

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

This is the only time of year where me and the KKK wish for the same thing.

A white Christmas.

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A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"

She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy...

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Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

What happened to the burnout who snooped and found his presents the week before Christmas?

He peeked early

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.

​

“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.

​

“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

Walmart will be closed for Christmas

so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.

A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas

His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if her wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.

So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year...’ H...

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What's the similarity between a vasectomized man and a Christmas tree?

The balls are just for show.

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.

​

“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”

​

“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”

​

The prosecutor repl...

I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas...

But it's what is on the inside that counts..

With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies "well I know he's a bad driver and a moron"

Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"

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A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She hears the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now--cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in...

People say Christmas is a Pagan holiday but...

a senior figure coming for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

In what city do kids get iron instead of coal for Christmas?

Santa Fe

I hate Christmas so much.

Whoever invented this should be crucified.

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A Christmas Joke

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts o...

What do you call a woman who wants nothing for her birthday/Christmas?

A liar

Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas?

Because it soots him

Why does Santa have to be extra careful with his health around Christmas Eve?

It's flue season.

Roses are red

Violets are bluish
If it wasn’t for Christmas
We’d all be Jewish


I don’t know if this has been posted before but I heard it from one of my uncles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa say to the fourth prostitute he slept with on Christmas day?

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm gonna stop at 3 ho's.

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

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Christmas Party

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost to...

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas

I think a traditional turkey would taste better but it's her choice.

What does a meth head want for Christmas?

Their two front teeth.

We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year

He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's almost christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other

One says to the other: 'So, what are you going to ask of Santa?'

Says the other: 'I think my regular price.'

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

If Jesus was born on Christmas and was resurrected on Easter, what happened on Black Friday?

Sales at K-Mart

Why was the Christmas tree sent to the psych ward?

Because it was suffering from ornamental health issues.

How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a christmas bonus and a penis?

The wife still blows the bonus.

Your mom is like a Christmas Tree...

she gets lit and covered in balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My wife brought me a fitness watch for Christmas....

Apparently I wanked for 5 miles last night

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like brussel sprouts!!!

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a lo...

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A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo...

If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!

What did the artificial Pokemon say after being greeted, "Merry Christmas"?

Mewtwo.

Tampax are considering using tinsel instead of string

Just for the Christmas period

I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas

It's not her main present, just a stocking filler!

I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Father Christmas thought of him.

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I hate Christmas

Whoever this holiday is meant for should be nailed up on a fucking cross.

Being dyslexic sucks during Christmas.

My letters to Satan never get answered.

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was c...

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

My kids wanted a cat for Christmas.

I was going to cook a turkey, but hey, whatever makes them happy.

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