What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.




Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.

Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying ...

Divorcing parents

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any...

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas

Normally I do turkey but hey, if it wil make them happy.

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

Christmas Eve, cop pulls over a man for speeding

Cop says "Listen, It's Christmas, I wanna end my shift and go home, and not have to do paper work. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off".

Speeder thinks a minute, then replies "My wife left me for a cop, and I was afraid he was you and you were bringing her...

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer

(Dark Humor) What did the handless guy get for Christmas?

Its still a mystery cause he hasn't opened his present yet.

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas time

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Audi." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."...

I got my friend a ghost for Christmas..

It wasn't really a surprise as he had already felt the presence.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because, Oct 31 = Dec 25.

A young girl is praying before bed on Christmas Eve...

"Dear God, please help me with my dyslexia, Mom and Dad had to help me with my list to santa. I almost asked Satan for my first bar. I was so embarrassed. Also, please be with those poorer and less fortunate than us. Amen"

And God said to the little girl, "Woof!"

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Very hungry

A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly...

...they feel a little precipitation. The man says, "I think it's raining, we should go back home."

The woman says, "No, I think it's snowing."

The couple argues about this for a few minutes. The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. "Let's ask th...

Why do kids in the Czech Republic get twice as many Christmas presents?

Because Santa Clause made a list and he Czeched it twice.

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?”

“It’s May...”


“Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

Why did the programmer buy a Jack O' Lantern on Christmas Day?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

-----

^Can't ^remember ^where ^I ^heard ^it ^before

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After a particularly wild staff Christmas party, a man wakes up with a wicked hangover...

He turns over and groans to his wife, "Oh, God! What the hell happened last night?"

"You got drunk, of course, and made a goddamn fool of yourself in front of your boss!" his wife informs him.

"Piss on that fuckin' guy," the man says.

"You did. And he fired you," his wife answe...

A blind man received a silver chestnut grater for Christmas

He said it was the most violent thing he had ever read.

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"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

What do you call Father Christmas without underwear?

Saint Knickerless,

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Why are Christmas trees and priests similar

The balls are just for show

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

It was really hard spending Christmas with my estranged family in Mexico.

I don’t think anyone cared I was there. The whole time they kept looking for this lady, Phyllis, and her Navy Dad.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

My child is so spoiled, I got him a trampoline for Christmas.

Instead of using it he just cried in his wheelchair.

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

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Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

I can always tell what’s in a Christmas present before I even open it.

It’s a gift

What did the struggling, single mother get for Christmas?

An eviction notice.

I bought my kid a theremin for Christmas

She hasn't touched it

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

The best part of insomnia is...

It's only 10 more sleeps until Christmas!

A guy walks into a Pet Store on Christmas Eve.

He doesn't have a whole lot of time to spare before the stores close and figures that a pet would be a perfect gift. The salesman approaches him.

"Hello, how can I help you today?" The salesman asks.

"I'm looking for a gift for my wife, but I don't know what to get her," the man repl...

went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas

The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."

And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"

My uncle became a Christmas ornament...

He put a rope around his neck end hang himself onto a tree

In my family it's traditional to have a Christmas jumper

and it's my job to talk them down.

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On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words

"Dear Santa,

My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me £20 so I can give it to my parents?

Love Kevin".

Touched, the postman searches his pockets, wh...

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This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

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A kid is looking for his Christmas presents

He stumbles upon them in his parents closet and begins looking through them. As soon as he begins searching he hears the front door open. He panics and hides in the closet. Then his mom and a man(not his father) come into the bedroom and begin to get freaky. Then the front door opens again and it’s ...

This is the only time of year where me and the KKK wish for the same thing.

A white Christmas.

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn't be able to open it anyways.

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Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

Christmas!!

Son : Mom, Can't we have grandma for Christmas?
Mom : No son, we are gonna have turkey like everyone else.

I was using a ladder to bring down the christmas lights from my roof when suddenly I fell and got knocked unconscious. I awoke to paramedics surrounding me asking “Sir, did you fall from the roof or the ladder ?”

I said, “Probably the latter”.

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

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A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas

A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas, when the woman who owns the home invited him in. She starts to unbutton his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Things start to get heavy and she takes him to the bedroom. They have sex. After the mailman gets dressed to leave, the woman says, “oh I almo...

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

I hate Christmas so much.

Whoever invented this should be crucified.

What was the name of the Italian inventor who hated Christmas?

Leonardo da Grinchi

With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies "well I know he's a bad driver and a moron"

Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"

What do Tiger woods, Farmers, and Christmas all have in common?

Ho, Ho, Ho.

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What's the similarity between a vasectomized man and a Christmas tree?

The balls are just for show.

Walmart will be closed for Christmas

so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas

I think a traditional turkey would taste better but it's her choice.

How does a sheep say Christmas?

Fleece Navidad



(one of my son's best, so he says)

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

A couple are Christmas shopping.

The shopping center is packed, and as the wife walks through one of the stores, she is surprised when she looks around to find that her husband is nowhere to be seen. She is quite upset because they had a lot to do. She becomes so worried that she calls him to ask where he is. In a quiet voice he sa...

Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

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A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"

She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy...

Roses are red

Violets are bluish
If it wasn’t for Christmas
We’d all be Jewish


I don’t know if this has been posted before but I heard it from one of my uncles.

Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas?

Because it soots him

What happened to the burnout who snooped and found his presents the week before Christmas?

He peeked early

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What did Santa say to the fourth prostitute he slept with on Christmas day?

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm gonna stop at 3 ho's.

What did the cross dresser do at Christmas?

Eat, drink and be Mary

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

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A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She hears the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now--cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in...

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One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

What does a meth head want for Christmas?

Their two front teeth.

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.



“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.



“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year

He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas

His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if her wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.

So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year...’ H...

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

In what city do kids get iron instead of coal for Christmas?

Santa Fe

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

What do you call a woman who wants nothing for her birthday/Christmas?

A liar

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

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Christmas Party

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost to...

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It's almost christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other

One says to the other: 'So, what are you going to ask of Santa?'

Says the other: 'I think my regular price.'

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A Christmas Joke

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts o...

I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas...

But it's what is on the inside that counts..

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What's the difference between a christmas bonus and a penis?

The wife still blows the bonus.

How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Tampax are considering using tinsel instead of string

Just for the Christmas period

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like brussel sprouts!!!

Why does Santa have to be extra careful with his health around Christmas Eve?

It's flue season.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

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