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Christmas Jokes

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying...

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

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A poor man meets a rich man at Christmas!

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

Merry Christmas?

A few years ago, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her anything.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Because you still haven't used the one I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it o...

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

What does Santa use to clean his suit for Christmas?

YuleTide.

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

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On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

I asked my wife if she would like a necklace for Christmas, she said nothing will please her more

So I got her nothing instead

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A little girl gets a bike for Christmas one year.

All excited, she immediately takes the bike out to ride it.

A cop passing by says to the little girl, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and sa...

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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas, she said a divorce.

I said "you can fuck right off, I'm not spending that much"

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.




(Compliments of my 7 year old son)



Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

Be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit...

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

The local florist charges $100 for a big Christmas wreath. Here's how they justify that price:

"A wreath, a Franklin."

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A prostitute walks into a bar on Christmas eve

A prostitute walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "So, what did you ask Santa for this year?" the bartender asks. "$30," the prostitute replies, "just like anybody else."

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

Counting on Christmas

On Christmas morning, a man is enjoying opening presents with his family but every time he opens a present, he checks to be sure that everything is there…


“Cool, 4 steak knives. 1, 2, 3 and 4!”


“A dozen wrenches? 1, 2, 3, 4….10, 11 and 12! Awesome!”


“Four ...

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday and rose on Easter.

What are the odds?!?!

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

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Christmas is like Sex

The best part is the anticipation.

The actual thing is short and disappointing.

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year

But when I opened it every single page was blank.
I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was.

How do you feel about live Christmas trees?

Personally, I think they're more festive than dead ones.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

It's 364 days until christmas.

And people already have their lights up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I...

What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."

Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store w...

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

I will never give Hip Hop to my friends for Christmas again...

Every time they open their presents, they immediately trash the 'rappers!

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

Why is Christmas like your job?

You do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets the credit...

I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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Christmas joke

Little Tommy’s mother takes him to go see Santa at Christmas time. Santa asks Tommy, “What would you like for Christmas?”.

Tommy looks Santa in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ve been a good boy all year. All I want is a train set. Nothing more, nothing less, just a train set!”. Santa looks ove...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Why do hookers like Christmas morning?

Because that's when Santa finally comes.

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

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My wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers for Christmas, so I did.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

I think Christmas should be moved to January.

The stores are less crowded and everything is on sale.

"Dad, I want a dog for Christmas!"

"No way son, we'll have a carp like every year."

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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

What did the turmeric say when there was a knock on the door during Christmas Dinner??

"Cumin! Tis' the season!"

Christmas after Halloween is like me as a teenager.

It comes fast.

Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips?

Pine-terist

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

I'm giving up drinking till christmas

Bad punctuation, can't edit title

I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

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The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Sim...

This Christmas...

Naughty children will be given £1 coins instead of an expensive lump of coal.

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real.

I wish somebody had warned me because my kids were really disappointed.

For the 11th Day of Christmas.....What do reindeer hang on their Christmas tree?

Hornaments.


Stolen from a streaming Christmas show ....The Cleaner

The Angel on the Christmas Tree

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Cl...

What is the best present for Christmas?

Aorta.

Because it comes from the heart...

Christmas time.

Yesterday i saw a man giving money and mobile to person having only knife. People are so nice during christmas time.

What do you eat after a presidential christmas dinner?

Impeach cobbler

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Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Because OCT 31= DEC 25. (Yes, I realize I'm a day late on this, so sue me).

Will Santa bring me a PS5 for Christmas?

I really could use another to scalp online for profit.

We can't let Elon get his hands on christmas.

What's he gonna call that, Xmas?

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A husband forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present...

So early on Christmas morning the man quietly gets up and rushes to Walgreens to find something.

In the store, he runs to the only worker and describes his situation. He wants to get his wife something quickly and get home before she wakes up and notices he’s gone.

The worker underst...

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Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

Christmas in the Library

What is the librarians favorite Christmas song?

Silent Night

What can you convert Christmas to?

Christenergy

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

Leo treats women like Christmas Trees…

no use for em after the 25th

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring...

It was Christmas time and everyone was feeling Merry.

So she went home.

My daughter really wants a dog this Christmas

I am open for new ideas but we normally eat turkey.

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

Christmas pick up lines

Christmas PickUp Lines: Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.



Is your name Jingle Bells, 'cause you look like you'd go all the way.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?  Shouldn't you be on the top of the tree, Angel? H...

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

For Christmas my dad came out as a woman

I can no longer see her as she has become trans-parent

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

Christmas

Why can’t Santa have kids?

He only comes once a year and that’s down the chimney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

Why couldn’t the woman find her Christmas cake?

It was stollen.

Happy cake day to meeeee …

For Christmas, what do beavers give?

A dam.

One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”

Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”

What's Donald Trump's favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas ♫

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

My grandma died on Christmas…

They want me to do yule-ogy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the City...

People pack the corner Drugstores,
Buying last-minute gifts oh so Shitty.

How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.

Want to know Quasimodo’s favorite Christmas song?

Jingle bells!

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

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