This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining.” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing.” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining.” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
...

“Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas this year.”

“I have felt your presents.”

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy...

I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus

He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

Did you hear about the blind guy who got a cheese grater for Christmas?

Said it was the most violent book he’d ever read

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas Tree

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.

Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Ye...

I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks of vacation during Christmas?”

Boss: It’s May.

Me: I’m sorry. May I get two weeks off during Christmas?

I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real.

I wish somebody had warned me because my kids were really disappointed.

Why do Mexicans make tamales for Christmas?

So all of the little ninos and ninas actually have something to unwrap.

WIFE : I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?

Because they were not E

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, how many types of boobs are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hang...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Covid Christmas carol

(Didnt know where else to post, remove if not allowed, got bored at home and this is result...)

[Chorus]
You better watchout,
You better stay inside,
You better go bulk buy,
And Im telling you why,
Cronavirus is coming to town

A mutating virus,
Its infecting twice,...

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a Christmas candle", he said.

"You may pass through the ...

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time...

The man looks at the tree.

"Only one last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

How is your job similar to Christmas?

You do all the work and a fat guy with suit gets all the credit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas

"Dear santa,
I have no money this Christmas for any toys. please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched...

Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.

The other letters were not-E.

Why did dyslexic Karen go to the Christmas nativity?

To see the manger.

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

I'm starting a Christmas themed thrash band.

Thinking of calling it Sleigher.

Bought a Christmas tree today. The salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, in my living room

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.

He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Cancer.


I’m just kidding he hasn’t opened it yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the pope have in common with a Christmas tree?

Both have balls just for decoration.

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.


Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

My sister and her girlfriend got me a watch for Christmas

It was a nice but that wasn't what I ment when I said I wannna watch.

Did you hear about the orphans that got their Christmas presents stolen?

I heard it was the second worst thing that ever happened to them.

What’s the best way to dispose of your Christmas tree?

Put it on the curb and wait for Lindsey Lohan to steal it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Why do engineers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because OCT 31= DEC 25.

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

What she wanted most for Christmas

This Christmas my wife said she’d like nothing more than a new car.

So I’m getting her what she wanted most.

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I got a gun for Christmas but I can’t fire it

I suppose I should check the “Trouble Shooting?” guide

Some people take Christmas way too serious...

It's 362 days away and people already have their decorations up!

What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

How much money does Mariah Carey make every Christmas?

More than you could ever know

I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'

'Its called an Umlaut.'

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he open it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, the little fucker wouldn't be able to open it anyway.

My five-year-old said he wanted a kitten for Christmas.

Usually we have turkey, but why not?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl was talking to a cop on Christmas day...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop c...

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was?

It looks like rain, dear.

What did the turmeric say when there was a knock on the door during Christmas Dinner??

"Cumin! Tis' the season!"

I was buying a Christmas tree off this lady, and she asked "Are you going to put that up yourself?"

I replied "No, I was thinking of putting it up in the living room actually"



(Nothing better than a christmas joke on new years eve.)

Went to the book store for the Christmas sale “1/3 off all titles”

I got a lovely copy of “The Lion, The Witch”

I was in home for Christmas

My parents cooked a beef tenderloin. I said:
"Man, Budapest gonna love this"
They asked me who Budapest was.
"I named my stomach Budapest because it's the capital of HUNGRY"
And that's when they stopped calling me son.

I’m going to start hosting Christmas orgys

It’s a time when we should all come together

What does Jeffrey Epstein have in common with Christmas decorations?

They’re always hung way too early.

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

Why are christmas trees so fond of the past?

Because the present's beneath them

I bought my girlfriend an artificial leg for Christmas this year

I thought it would make a great stocking filler

Why was Santa's sack empty at the end of Christmas night?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

I bought the wife some new vibrators for christmas.

A washing machine, a dishwasher and a lawnmower.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Santa Claus masturbate on Christmas?

Because he doesn't exist.

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping

at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 year...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Went out today and bought a Christmas tree, the fella who sold me it asked me was I going to put it up myself, I told him no i'm putting it in my sitting room

Found this somewhere. Lmao

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

How do you wish Beethoven aMerry Christmas?

Fur-Elise Navidad!

Who is the king of christmas music?

Elfis Presently

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought my parents were buying me a car for Christmas

And all I got was a shitty toy Yoda.

My christmas advice

forget the past, you can't change it


forget the present, because I didn't get you one

The elves refused Santa’s orders to decorate the Christmas tree

They were written up for insubornamation

I agree we should keep the “Christ” in Christmas but is there any way we could also work Goku in there?

I'm just Saiyan.
#
#
Merry Christmas yah filthy animals.

Our son want a puppy for Christmas

We usually have turkey, but if that can make him happy...

What do you call Eggs Benedict served during Christmas?

Happy Hollandaise.

A pyromaniac got a bag of coal for Christmas...

Was he naughty or nice?

A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas

so he asked his mother. His mother replied, 'Well, I can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'

The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'

The...

Wtf just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out

Must be from my uncle Ben

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite Christmas song?

I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

North Korea is threatening to send the US a Christmas present.

I don’t think anyone has told them about our return policy.

Men aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve

My mom’s favorite Christmas joke: ”Knock knock...”

Who’s there?
“Centipede”
Centipede who?
“Centipede under the Christmas tree!”

What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas ornaments?

The ornaments can be rehung again next year.

I just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart.

What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.

Last Christmas I made Santa cry...

How you may ask? Just pinch his sack!

My kids got me a stud finder for Christmas

When I held it up to myself, nothing happened. But it did find the naked man in my wife's closet.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

Why did the stocking take a break from Christmas this year?

He needed to work on his mantel health.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas Hangover

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a fantastic headache, cotton-mouthed and completely unable to recall the events of the night before.

He made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. 'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. W...

Why did the big frozen N get a Christmas present?

Because it was N ice.

Sorry guys, Christmas is canceled.

Mary admitted everything.

Christmas sweater

I got another sweater for Christmas. Another goddamn sweater. Why can’t I get a moaner or a screamer?!

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, The very next day,

Your body rejected the transplant and you died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At christmas dinner, when my uncle proudly announced that he had started a summer camp for deaf-mute teenaged boys, nobody said anything.

We all knew he was just feeling a little cocky.

Why did the one legged man get a prosthetic leg for Christmas?

It was a stocking stuffer.

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Put a Christmas stocking outside yesterday and found it crusty this morning.

Proof that Santa came last night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This morning I dropped a copy of A Christmas Carol right on my toe

It hurt like the dickens

I heard a lot of British people had special Brexit Christmas dinners this year...

It's like regular Christmas dinner but without the brussels.

Dog's aren't just for Christmas

I eat them year round

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change.

We're going to let her in.

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They keep dropping their needles!

What do Millenials and Christmas Trees have in common?

They used to thrive, but now they're dead inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m going to give my boss a sweater and a dildo for Christmas

That way if she doesn’t like the sweater she can go fuck herself

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Sim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys: If you are still stuck on a late Christmas present for the Wife. Get her a refrigerator.

Her little face will light up when she opens it.

Failing that, get her some slippers and a dildo.

If she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas Eve!! :D


Sorry everyone. I no longer use FB so you have now inherited my yearly Christmas post.


Happy Holidays everyone :)

A Christmas Story

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Cla...

I gave my daughter a watch for Christmas. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

After wastin g money this christmas on a new 4K TV

I have a new year's resolution

it's 3840 x 2160.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.