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christmas treeyulesanta clausholidayxmaschristmas caroleasterfestivalepiphanychristmas daychristmastimechristmas cardgiftadventdecember

If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?

Do you see what I see?

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

I gave my Blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He told me it was the most violent book he had ever read.

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A poor man meets a rich man at Christmas!

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."

Luke Skywalker: "How could you possibly know?"

DV: "I have felt your presents."

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

My kids told me they want a cat for Christmas

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

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Christmas joke

Little Tommy’s mother takes him to go see Santa at Christmas time. Santa asks Tommy, “What would you like for Christmas?”.

Tommy looks Santa in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ve been a good boy all year. All I want is a train set. Nothing more, nothing less, just a train set!”. Santa looks ove...

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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas, she said a divorce.

I said "you can fuck right off, I'm not spending that much"

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Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

What did little Timmy, with no hands, receive for Christmas?

I dunno', he hasn't opened it yet.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She replied, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."

So, I brought her nothing.

I asked my friend Larry what he is doing for Christmas.

He said he was going to drink and be Larry.

Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he hates Carols.

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

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My wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers for Christmas, so I did.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

This time of year reminds me of that time I spent Christmas on the road ...

I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, "This is fancy." She replied, "Well hon', you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

What's a pirate's favorite Christmas movie?

It's A Plunderful Life!

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day, and the shop assistant said "Are you thinking if putting it up yourself?"

I said "no, i was thinking the living room".

For Christmas my dad came out as a woman

I can no longer see her as she has become trans-parent

Who claps for Christmas?

Santapplause.

My friend's scared of getting stuck in a chimney with an old man at Christmas.

She's Santa Claustraphobic.

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

I have bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

Several churches were having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the deacons met an...

Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets

Or as you probably call them - relatives sleeping in the spare room.

Why was the floor of the fireplace sticky on Christmas morning?

Because Santa Claus came down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

What is something you want to hear in Christmas But not in a Mexican prison?

Jesus loves you

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I ordered a Bon Jovi album to give to my father for Christmas.

It still hasn’t arrived. When I ring customer service the lady on the phone keeps telling me “it’s halfway there”.

For Christmas I adopted a dog that used to belong to a locksmith.

I just caught him helping himself to the turkey and he made a bolt for the door.

I got the family a dog for Christmas this year

With the amount of upset it caused, I’ll probably just get a turkey next time.

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Christmas presents are like sex

It's always more fun to get them from other people than to give yourself one.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day

your body rejected the transplant and you died.

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Christmas is like an orgasm

As it approaches, you get louder and louder about it's imminent arrival. But once it's over, you shut up about it.

Christmas is a day where you go to church to see God

And then go to your in law's to see the devil

A guy walks into a Starbucks and says to the barista “If I make you laugh, I get free coffee.”

The barista, feeling generous, says “Sure, if you make me laugh, your coffee’s on me!”

The guy says “Ok, this one’s hilarious: What did Timmy want for his birthday?”

The barista says “I don’t know, what did he want?”

“Parents.”

There was dead silence from the barista.
...

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What do you call a vibrator on a Christmas tree?

A pornament.

A father and his son go out to fell a tree for Christmas

When the tree is felled and being brought back, the son asks, "Dad are you going to put the tree up yourself?"

"No, son, I'm going to put it up in our living room"

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

Friends, just a reminder to those who received a book from me at Christmas...

They are due back in the library on the 29th.

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So these three guys died on Christmas ...

When St. Peter greeted them at the Pearly Gates, he informed them that because they died on Christmas, each would have to show that he has something on his person related to Christmas in order to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven.

The first guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a white e...

Why do Chinese kids don’t believe in Christmas

Because they make the toys

Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?

He was a decorated veteran.

Three Christian men from India died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The East Indian fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Sai...

A restaurant in Heaven is serving a Christmas special. . .

One day, on Christmas, a restaurant in Heaven is having an extravagant, 3-course Christmas special.

“For our first course,” announces the head chef, “We’ll be serving the food you most commonly ate during your time on Earth!”

So, the waiters bring out everyone’s food. Some people get ...

I'm sure my wife liked the new refrigerator that I bought her for Christmas.

When she opened it her face lit up!

Chris Rea's two biggest hits in the UK are 'Driving home for Christmas' and 'Road to Hell'

Which if you have a family like mine, both songs describe the journey.

A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children.

After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up. Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded elevator to take them to the parking garage.

The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular, “Whoever star...

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Why is the final ghost of Christmas so horny?

Because he's the ghost yet to come

They say you can spend christmas with up to 10 people without problems...

But who knows 10 people without problems.

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"

Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.

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Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll m...

Last Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

Christmas has been a bit repetitive...

so I got a different type of tree just to spruce it up a bit

Christmas elves

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

All I asked for this Christmas was a dictionary and I didn't get one

I'm at a loss for words.

Did you know that at Christmas, the are only 25 letters in the alphabet?

There's no L.

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A good way to start a speech at a pornography actors Christmas party…

“You know guys, we’ve been through so much this year, that we really ARE family!”

At Santa's workshop, there are no Christmas bonuses. Why not?

Because they're all elf-employed.

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

Mario, Wario and Luigi went to northern Norway to visit Father Christmas.

Luigi read a big book of Norwegian ethnography before the visit. Wario read a big book about Father Christmas. Mario read a big book about Scandinavian languages.

They had a great time meeting Father Christmas and visiting the workshops, where they spent a little time watching the elves doin...

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My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

All the Celebrations sweets are having a Christmas party at the bar when a packet of Lockets walks in. 'Oi' shouts the Mars Bar, 'you're not confectionery, get out!'

'Sssssshhhh' says the Bounty 'Don't start, he's menthol'

Our Christmas pageant moved online at the last minute due to COVID

So my wife is now barking orders: “I need a bathrobe for my Joseph!”

“No problem!” I replied, digging one out of the closet.

“I need a doll for my Jesus!”

“I’ll get one from the kids’ room!” I call over my shoulder, already on my way.

“I need a rustic backdrop for my in...

I just received my Christmas present.

Apparently Santa had to make a bunch of stops due to an enlarged prostate. He had to tinkle all the way.

Why does a fully decorated Christmas tree weigh less than a non decorated one?

Because it's lighter.

What is a cop's favorite Christmas song?

Police Navidad

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Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year. "Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expensive, ...

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

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"I can't feel my legs!" (Christmas Edition)

Pt. 1

A guy wakes up in a hospital and starts screaming, "I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs! " A nurse rushes to his bed and says, "Of course not, you silly thing, they amputated your arms!"

Pt. 2

Do you know what the poor guy got for Christmas? No? Well, neither does...

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day.

It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.

My mother-in-law has come around to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we had a change ...

We let her in.

all I wanted for Christmas

So a friend asked me if I got what I wanted for Christmas. I told him no and explain that I told my wife when she asked me what I wanted it was simple and wouldn't cost her anything I would give her everything she needed to complete the job. The only thing she had to worry about was possibly cleanin...

Christmas

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Christmas is a lot like a new relationship with a woman," the guy tells the bartender. "I always get really excited looking forward to it, but after it's all over I regret spending all that money."

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you rem...

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation...

"I think it's raining", says the man.

"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
...

What is Kira from “Death Note”‘s favorite Christmas Carol?

The first no-L

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Dear readers, this Christmas day, one in five children in London will not have a gift from Santa!!

one in five children in London will not have a christmas tree at home.

one in five children in London will not have a christmas dinner with their family.



This is not an advertisement for Red cross or Salvation Army, one in five children born in London are Muslims and they dont ...

Any Christmas Plans?

I'm going to a Lord of the Rings themed Christmas party, can't wait to eat, drink and be Merry.

When daughter dresses inappropriately for Christmas Dinner.

Mom - Can't you dress like a lady for Christmas Dinner atleast. If you behave like a bad girl, Santa won't bring you presents.

Daughter - Mom I'm old enough now. How would know if I dressed inappropriately?

Mom - Don't you know he goes around the neighborhood on this reindeer sledge ye...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Sorry I suffer from premature congratulation

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3 men die on Christmas and wake up in heaven

Upon waking up they meet st. Peter.
He says they need something with them that represents Christmas to enter heaven.

The first man finds a lighter in his pocket and says "this is a candle"

St. Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out his keys and starts shaking them "these...

My Stepfather Used to Tell This Joke to Everyone

*What did the farmer say to the cows at night? "It's past your bedtime."*

He told this joke to anyone he talked to, from family to people at the doctor's office. I felt the joke was old the second time I heard it. So, I started working on a response.

Christmas djnner rolls around. We ...

A guy asked his sister what he can get her young daughter for Christmas.

She replied "anything Frozen".

So he got her a box of frozen fishsticks.

15 sleeps til Christmas...

4 if you do meth.

I swear, people keep putting their Christmas decorations up earlier and earlier every year.

Christmas is 364 days away, can’t they wait?

How do lice fly home for Christmas?

American Hairlines

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How many kinds of boobs are there

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

Grandma gave me a vest for Christmas and said I should wear it to school.

Bless her heart, but cashmere won't stop a bullet.

Christmas Mail

I'm a mailman.

At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread.

After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more." She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined.

I told her I had no idea she ...

I just got my first Christmas card in the mail. It was full of rice

Thats when I knew it was from Uncle Ben

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! (I'm just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet)

What type of bug hates Christmas?

A humbug

Merry Christmas and a

'Happy new ear', wished my Plastic Surgeon as he unwound the bandages.

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

Stale Donuts

I visited a little cafe not too far from the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, and ordered a coffee and a donut. The coffee was bland and cold but worst of all the donut was stale.
“Excuse me” I said “these donuts are stale.”
The assistant was polite “I’m sorry sir, those are yesterday’s donuts.”
“W...

What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Courtesy of the Christmas cracker I just pulled: What do you get if you cross a fish and two elephants?

Swimming Trunks

Christmas Eve

It was December 24, Joseph and Mary had been travelling all day, in the evening they arrived at the town of Bethlehem. They stopped at the first inn, and Joseph went inside to get a room for the night. The innkeeper told him they were all full. So they went to the next inn down the road. It was ...

Last christmas Santa got me a sweater.

This year I’ve asked for a screamer instead.

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A nice christmas tree

A guy walks into a bar decorated for the Christmas holiday and orders a beer. "That's a beautiful Christmas tree you have over there. I hope you're not offended, but I've always found that Christmas trees are a lot like boobs," he tells the bartender. "When you see really nice ones you just have to ...

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3 men die on Christmas morning...

Three men die on Christmas morning. They end up in front of the pearly gates and Saint Peter, even though none of them ever expected it.

Peter says "You guys drink, smoke and womanize. You shouldn't be getting into heaven. However, it's Christmas and I'm feeling festive. If you can each show ...

Did you hear about the Dalai Lama's new Christmas album?

It's called "Rapping Presence".

Bought my dad a Zippo for Christmas

It'll compliment the cigarettes he went out for 22 years ago.

Still wrapped from last year.

Will Santa bring me a PS5 for Christmas?

I really could use another to scalp online for profit.

Christmas at the vet's office

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your weekend?" the bartender asks. "Expensive. The dog ate a bunch of Christmas ornaments off of the tree, so I had to take him to the vet," the guy says. "Vet says he has a bad case of tinselitus."

I think Christmas should be moved to January.

The stores are less crowded and everything is on sale.

A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean."

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack."

The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, co...

I gave an assassin a gift for Christmas

It was a hit

What is it called when you get weed for Christmas?

Mary Christmas

Christmas Joke

We were all having sparkling wine on Christmas day when my friend said it had given him a headache so he was going to leave. Turns out he was fine and had just wanted to leave early. It was a sham pain.

Jesus hated getting cheap socks for Christmas

They always had holes in them by Easter.

The community theater recently posted auditions for Aladdin and a Christmas play

On audition day, local news reporter Thi Xix Hao spotted someone crying outside the audition room.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

The dejected man looked up. “You look familiar” he said.

“I am local news reporter, Thi Xix Hao. You also look familiar to me”

“I am Chad Kroeger, ...

On the 0th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

A book on coding values in C.

Christmas history

A Medieval European history expert walks into a bar and orders a stout. "I just love this time of year. It's full of historic significance. In fact, not many people know that the first documented occurrence of Santa Claus was when he hit a dragon and killed it while flying over Medieval England," th...

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I got my son a trampoline for Christmas

his ungrateful ass just sat on his wheelchair all day and cried

The Christmas Elf

A Christmas elf walks into a bar and orders an eggnog. "What brings you to town?" the bartender asks. "I'm taking music classes at the community college. Santa requires it of all the Christmas elves now," the elf says. "It's supposed to improve our rapping skills."

My favorite Easter Joke

St Peter meets three new potential Heaven Members and says, “Ok, tonight we’re going to have a quiz. Just a simple question: What is Easter?”

The first guy says, “oh, that’s easy. It’s when the family gets together and have turkey and mashed potatoes and…”

“No, no. That’s Thanksgiving!...

I will never give Hip Hop to my friends for Christmas again...

Every time they open their presents, they immediately trash the 'rappers!

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