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I watched a porno version of The Invisible Man but I missed the climax.

Never saw him coming.

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I am hosting a charity event for people who fail to reach climax during sex

If you can't come, let me know

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A man and a woman were having sex and they were at the point of climax when suddenly...

Man: Damn it! I think the condom just broke.

Woman: Are you fucking kidding me?

Man: Well, I am fucking right now but I guess kidding comes later.

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When Women Complain About Sex

**How To Please A Woman**

* Warm her up first. She's not a lawn mower that you can just turn on and off with the push of a lever.

* Touch her gently - she's a delicate flower.

* But not too gently - she wants a confident man, not a timid boy.

* Give her a masculine squeez...

What does a british man say when he's about to climax?

I'm arriving

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Why do Jews watch porn backwards?

Because they like to climax at the part when the hooker gives the money back.

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I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax.

If you can't come, let me know.

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A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"

Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and sh...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

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[NSFW] Tow best friends where on a skiing trip together with their wives.

During the after ski, the men decide it would be a good idea to go to bed with each others wives. The men whom had been drinking both though this was a fantastic idea. They both agreed to make a competition out of it. Whom could make the others wife climax the most times wins.

Not to draw su...

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(OC) A Hippie walks by a businessman...

A Hippie is walking by and sees a businessman looking over some construction that had been started on a plot of land. The Hippie is alarmed and exclaims "What are you doing?!"

The businessman responds by saying that this piece of land was bought by his company. The land was good and the found...

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An Orgasm is when one of the people having sex reaches sexual climax.

If they both climax at the same time, it should be called an Andgasm.

What is the climax to a telephone receptionist who is on cocaine ?

A second line

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So a Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn ...

decide to have a contest who can make the misus scream the longest after climax.

The Swede gets 15 seconds of passionate screaming and moaning.

The Norwegian gets a whole minute of moaning and screaming.

The Finn wipes his dick in to curtains and the wife screams for two weeks.

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Porn flicks have some of the most disastrous writing

They always end on the climax.

A man walks into a joke store...

There are three lines.

He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.

He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"

He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out laughing.

He sees the guy at the end ...

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An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically wav...

What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?

Climax.

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[NSFW] A nun was alone in the church rectory

After a long day she was feeling a little horny, so with no one around she stripped naked, sat in the diocese chair and started masturbating furiously.

As she was about to climax there was a knock at the door

“Hello it’s the blind man”

She thinks it may be fun him not being abl...

A man goes to the drug store for some condoms.

There's a spinsterish middle aged lady behind the counter, and he's a bit embarrassed, but makes his request. The lady asks what size he wants, and he gets a bit more embarrassed, and tells her that he doesn't know that they come in sizes. The lady tells him it's ok , there's a fence out back with s...

I got fired for having a stroke at my desk in work.

Outrageous! I didn't even get to climax.

A guy comes home to his wife

It's a warm summers day, so the front door is left open.

The man finds his wife standing by the kitchen counter with her back turned, working on dinner, wearing nothing but a short, yellow sundress.

Without saying a word, he steps over to her, drops his pants and gently lifts up her dr...

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I Started dating a disabled woman a few weeks ago and decided to spice things up a notch

So we ended up going to the Park at Night to have sex

She says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."

before she can even climax we we're spotted by a bunch of park rangers.

sadly to say, i just left her han...

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A virile, middle-aged, Italian man

was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.

After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude...

A man goes to the doctor, complaining of severe headaches.

They try several treatments, but none work.

One day, the doctor says, "I know this will sound crazy, but I used to have headaches like yours. One night I was with my wife, and I went down on her. Just as she was about to climax she would squeeze my head really hard with her thighs, and my hea...

During a dance at the retirement home...

The local retirement home decided to have a dance for the residents, a sort of a prom. So all the men and women dressed in their best and gathered in the common area.

During the evening, Elmer, an 85 year old stud, spies Mabel, a 68 year old beauty he begins to flirt, and soon asks her back...

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A guy was going abroad for his job

He didn't want his lady love to feel sexually left out when he wasn't present and make love with other men.

So he gifted her the magic dildo.

The magic dildo had remarkable capabilities. All you had to do was say "Magic dildo" followed by where you wanted it to insert itself and it wo...

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The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

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A man is having some trouble in bed...

... so he goes to see the doctor about it. The doctor does a full exam and pronounces that the man has premature ejaculation problems. To fix it, the doctor tells him to get something loud and surprising to stop it from happening.

The man goes to the local gun shop and decides that the best c...

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I wrote a story about my sex life.

There was no climax

Fifty Shades of Grey has no plot.

It's just all climax.

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[OC] I knew a guy who had a really weird ritual with his socks.

Once a month or so, he'd set aside a few hours to do this crazy thing with his socks. He'd take a pair he'd been wearing for a while, and lay them out on the bed next to each other. Then he'd take one of them, and put it on. Then he'd walk over to his dresser, open his sock door, and pull a single s...

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NSFW A wealthy businessman goes to Vegas and orders a prostitute.

Moments later, he hears a knock on his hotel door, he answers, and in walks the most beautiful prostitute he has ever seen.

"Hi Honey, my name is Amber and I am here to service you" she says. "My only stipulation is that I do not do anal. Now, what would you like me to do first?"

"Ho...

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Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
Alwayz a very happy ending f...

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The Pope was having a shower,

and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.


Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.


"Hol...

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NSFW I was jacking it in a public bathroom the other day...

With the door unlocked and facing it. I love the thrill of thinking I could be caught, but obviously would never want someone to ACTUALLY walk in on me. So I'm pounding away, and right as I'm about to climax, a man wearing sunglasses walks in unannounced, and the jizz shpurts right onto his pant leg...

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The Pope enjoyed a walk around the Vatican every afternoon.

One afternoon as he is walking in a quiet area, he pulls up his robe and begins to masturbate. Just as he is reaching climax, he hears a click, and turns to see a Japanese tourist snapping pictures. Walking over, the pontiff says "Boy that's a nice camera. Would you consider selling it to me?" The t...

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and climax

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What does Jon Snow think of sex?

It's a bit of an Auntie-climax.

Had an issue with how the latest season of Game of Thrones ended:

Bit of an auntie climax don't you think?

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New wine in old bottle

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually...

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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex wit you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprin...

Have you tried the new, ultra-realistic vibrator?

"No, how does it work?"
"Right before you climax it comes, goes limp, farts, and turns itself off."

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Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community...

...Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age.

All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax o...

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two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

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My mum’s sister always builds up jokes and then the punch lines turn out to be shit.

Aunty Climax.

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Why do first year film students like analyzing porn?

It's easy to identify the climax.

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Sex with a Japanese woman...

A lawyer from New York, is on a business trip to Tokyo. In Tokyo he's negotiating a big deal between the company he represents and a Japanese firm. Talks take place in English at a sushi-restaurant in down-town Tokyo, between the businessman and Mr. Oki, head of the Japanese company.

The neg...

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Pickled Penis(NSFW)

A woman and her husband were experiencing marital problems, to the point where they were no longer having sex. After visiting several counselors the problems were not resolved. The woman grew desperate, and was afraid to ask her husband for sex. In her desperation she visited a Gypsy, and explained ...

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Took me a while

*When I was a kid, my mom always used to quote the punchline of this joke. Today, four decades later, I finally heard the joke itself.*

On a hot day, a guy ducks into a bar for a beer. There is no one in the bar but the bartender, a pianist, and a little monkey dancing on the piano.

...

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Tick Marks

The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… …

“$500, even money, that I can shag your mother tonight more times than you fuck the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. …

It sounds like a sur...

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Younger brother saw his older brother masturbating.

He doesn't have knowledge about masturbation, big brother is about to reach climax and is now twitching his eyes from the pleasure. He immediately run to his mother and said "Mom, big brother is committing suicide!", the mother ask how come, and said "He is crushing his balls!".

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an older man and his young wife are having problems in the bedroom...

the young women is unable to climax

so they decide to take the problem to their priest and ask for advice.

the priest confirms that sex is an important part of marriage and he suggests they hire a young man to wave a towel in front of the womens face to help her lose herself and to coo...

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One Night Stand (NSFW)

A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedr...

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A rich Texan is visiting Japan....

A rich Texan businessman is visiting Japan, so he decides to hire a Japanese hooker. That night, as they're reaching the climax of the night's activities, she begins yelling, "Nagasai! Nagasai!" He obviously doesn't speak the language, so he guesses she was yelling "Yes! Yes!".

The next day, ...

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So a guy meets a hottie at the hotel bar. After he pays for a few drinks she starts coming on pretty strong...

"Let's go up to my room..." she says, "I'm wined, dined, and ready to be 69ed!" Excitedly, he whisks her up to the room and the next thing you know they are ripping clothes off and making out furiously. They hit the bed, stuff their faces into each others genitals, and start going to town. After a f...

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Penguins, 20 Euros

A man had been enjoying Amsterdam and was down to his last 20 euros.

Wandering the streets he spies a sign, "Penguins 20 Euros"

"Hell yeah! I'm going to get a penguin!"

He walks in and says he would like the penguin for 20 euros. He is led upstairs into a room with the most beau...

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Requires a little visualization, "The Penguin"

Buddy needs a lay but only has $10 to his name, finds a seedy women in a seedy bar.

So he asks her "what can I get for $10 bucks"

"The Penguin" She replies. Desperate he's quick to agree and they find their way into an alley.

She pulls her skirt up and stands with her legs shoul...

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A man with really bad stamina in bed

A man has the hottest wife in the world, who loves sex a lot. Problem was, he had can't even last 5 minutes in bed, no matter what he tried.

So he goes to see a doctor, who suggests that about an hour before sex he should masturbate, that way he'll be a bit less likely to cum as quickly.
<...

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Barry got work as a sailor.

Barry got a nice sweet gig working on a boat, but the downfall was that they where six months at sea at time.

It was alright they pay was worth it but at the end he was horny as hell .
So as soon as they docked he quickly went to the most seedy bar he could find. When he arrived he quickl...

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Lots of Orgasms

Sex in a boat = Oargasms

Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms

Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms

Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms

Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms <...

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A businessman travels to Japan...[nsfw]

the American businessman arrives a day early for his meeting with his Japanese business colleague and being quite the tourist he decides to hit the the town. He goes to a couple of sushi bars and loosens up a bit, he meets an attractive women at one of the karaoke bars and after quite a while of tr...

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Migraine headaches

There was this guy who constantly get migraine headaches, he tried all different type of drugs and it didn't work for him. So he decided to go to the specialist. He told the doctor about his migraine and also let him know he tried all the drugs that are available in market but they still didn't help...

the lord will save me

So there is a religious guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded.
(Let’s call him father Otis)
when there is a couple of inches of water on the ground a guy on a surfboard comes along and says in a think Mexican accent "father Otis I get you to safety just hop on my board and I take...

A man's wife lay dying in the hospital...

with a mysterious illness. After the doctor said that there was nothing else he could do, he turned and left the couple alone in the room. The man asked his wife "Honey, is there anything I can do for you before you go?"

She weakly replied "Yes. I want you to go down on me."
Her husband wa...

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"I'm the strongest man alive"

said the drunk man to the bartender. "Oh really? Well we actually have our own local strongman competition, if you're interested. Keep in mind, it's a bit obscure. You up for it?"
"Psh. I can do anything," he slurs.
"Okay. Your first test is behind that door. You need to hogtie a brown bear." ...

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The Irish man at the bar

One day an American takes a trip to a small town in Ireland to get away from the big city. As his first order of business he decides that he just has to visit a bar to get the real experience of this great country. He then places his order for a drink at the counter when a drunken Irish man named Ba...

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Gettin' Down, Mexican Style

A guy goes down to the corner, looking to pick up a hooker for the night. He walks up to the hottest one and says, "I wanna do you Mexican Style."

She's never heard of "mexican style," assumes the worst, and says "No."

The guy says, "I'll give you $300 if I can do you Mexican Style."<...