The Twilight Series

A story of a girl, that must make a choice between Bestiality and Necrophilia.

She chose Necrophilia

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William Stranahan heads to the village for a pint or two...

The old Scotsman is greeted at the pub by his aged mates for their weekly bender. And, aye, they are shameless. They leer at the young lassies. They gripe about the fleeting virility of the young men. They curse the government. They reminisce about the days of yore. But mostly, they drink well throu...

Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.

"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."

So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes runni...

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

Tried to change my password to Twilight...

...but got an error message saying please re-enter as this contains too many useless characters :(

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

Twilight's like soccer

Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires suck cock?

Oh wait… Twilight

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My friend took me to a twilight fencing class.

I couldn't really see the point.

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

Harold lived on a farm and his wife,Mabel, who was always sort of nagging him. And every year the carnival roll into town and have these $50 helicopter rides. He always wanted to take one of these helicopter rides but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it. Then one year when they...

Why do you take toilet paper to the twilight zone?

DODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODO

Another Soviet Joke

In the late 1980s, Mikhail Gorbachev, tried to curb alcoholism deaths by limiting the times and places vodka was sold, resulting in huge lines.

One man, in line for vodka, says " I can't take this, save my place, I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate Gorbachev.", and he trudges off into t...

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A woman, her 7 years old and a Taxi driver.

A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?."

His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."

The Taxi driver...

Important safety warning:

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he ...

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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

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"Angry Notes" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

D...

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Plato is lecturing his students on the nature of change and how nothing is ever constant.

To drive his point home, he asks his students to give him an example of something definite.
"Master," says the first, "the leaves on the trees are definitely green."
"Not true," answers Plato, "for they can appear brown, yellow, or orange in the autumn months."
"Master," says the second, "t...

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The tale of three friends

There were once three friends who were traveling along a lonely, winding road at twilight. In time, the friends reached a river too deep to wade through and too dangerous to swim across.. However, these friends were learned in the magical arts, and so the first friend waved his broken wand and made ...

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