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English Teacher Jokes

English teacher:

English teacher: Give me the opposite of this sentence: "Children in the dark make mistakes." Student: "Mistakes in the dark make children." Teacher: Get out.

What does an English teacher say when taking a group picture

Simile

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A mean English teacher asks his students to write a composition.

The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy, and mystery. You have 30 minutes.

After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads:

"My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"

My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns.

Wheel sea

What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?

A programmar.

When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "name two pronouns."

I said, " who, me?"

A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"

"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

My english teacher used to quote lord of the rings to us

She used to say "you shall not pass"

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A english teacher asked the class...

... “Use the word ‘dandelion’ in a sentence.”

The Jamaican kid then stood up and proudly exclaimed -


“De Cheetah is fastah dandelion’

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English Teacher

A young woman applies for a job at a school. The principal looks at her pretty and innocent face and tells her “I’m sorry Our only opening is for an English teacher for a special class. The students in this class are rejects from all over the city and can’t spell even the simplest of words. No other...

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????

My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria.
I ate all the food and returned her the empty container. ....!!!!!...

To the English teacher that stole my calendar...

Your days are numbered. Mark my words.

My English teacher assigned me 10 stories to go through...

so I went sky diving. I went through 10 stories in 2 seconds!

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I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

An English teacher has volunteered to educate prisoners at a local prison.

Teahcer: "can you tell me please, what comes after every sentence?"

One of the prisoners then responds with;
"that's easy. Parole."

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"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include *The Nun's Priest's Tale*"

"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "*The Nun's Priest's Tale* is l...

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Bob!" yelled the teacher. "You've done nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do."

I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.

what is an English teachers favorite cereal?

Synonym toast crunch

What is an english teacher's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird

Why are Math teachers never sick and English teachers always pregnant?

Because you can always count on a math teacher and English teachers do not allow contractions.

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My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

My English teacher had part of his intestines removed

Now all he ever talks about is his semicolon

My English teacher told me that using a colon in a sentence can really change its meaning.

For example,

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

Becomes

Jane ate her friend's colon.

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I've been having sex with an English teacher

She told me that proper use of the colon is a great alternative when a period is expected.

My English teacher girlfriend just broke up with me.

She wasn’t happy with my improper use of the colon.

What does English teachers do on Reddit?

Edit: grammar

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I'll be over 18 when my English teacher gets out of prison

I wrote her we should have sex legally as soon as she gets released.

But she wrote back that she couldn't end a sentence with a proposition.

What does an English teacher and prisoner have in common?

They’re both trying to finish their sentence.

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard:

*"Woman without her man is nothing."* The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: *"Woman, without her man, is nothing."*

The women wrote: *"Woman! Without her, man is nothing."*

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An English teacher and a poet walk into a bar...

The English Teacher, " The bar is a metaphor for the poet's alcoholism"

The poet, slamming his 7th drink on the table, "**No it fucking isn't**"

What does an English teacher eat for breakfast?

Synonym rolls.


My wife was so proud of herself for thinking this up while eating cinnamon roll ice cream yesterday.

Did you hear about the English teacher who experienced a serious health episode?

He suffered a massive corrolary

English teacher: What is the first thing you do if you become ill?

Foreign student: I go to bed.

English teacher: No, before that?

Foreign student: I take off my clothes, of course!

English teacher: No, no, do you visit the doctor?

Foreign student: No! No doctors! I don't like doctors! My uncle went to doctor with chest pain, doctor said...

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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam...

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snic...

How do you tell the difference between a math teacher and an English teacher?

Ask them to define “hyperbolic”.

I think my English teacher is a dinosaur

Because he said he is a walking thesaurus

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My English teacher corrected my Grammer.

One day during the lecture our English teacher told us things are not "hard", infact they are "difficult". She gave me the most difficult boner that day.

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A joke from my English teacher.

Some archaeologists find a cave, untouched by man for a long time.

In the cave they find some typical stone age tools. But they also find some symbols on the wall.

Left to Right:

[A woman](http://i.imgur.com/FjvkI.jpg).
[A donkey](http://i.imgur.com/5sogi.jpg).
[A shov...

English teachers' favorite knock-knock joke

Knock-knock

Who's there?

To

To who?

*To whom*

What is an english teacher’s favorite Radiohead song?

Comma Police.

Why didn’t the English teacher like looking at graphs?

Too much x-position

This guy's an English teacher, and he still can't think of a synonym for 'market'!

It's bazaar.

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

I bumped into my old English teacher that I fancied.

"What's new?" she asked.

I said, "An adjective."

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

My English teacher told me I had no complete sentences

Then I asked her how she knew I broke out of prison twice

So a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar.

The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says, "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?"

The English teacher sighs and says, "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'WHOM', not 'WHO'."
...

What does an English teacher call Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses.

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I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.

So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.

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My English teacher said " Your grammar is shit."

I replied " Your grandad is a cunt."

How did the English teacher punish her students?

She sentenced them

One for the English Teachers/Fanatics

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilo mockingbird.

My spouse is an English teacher.

She sends me a text complaining about how her students aren't understanding some of the basic rules of English grammar. I responded back saying, "There, their, they're, it will be okay."

My English teacher said that nothing rhymes with orange.

There was a young man who had nothing,

Until one day he happened upon an orange.

That rhymes?

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A boy thinks his English teacher is attractive

One day after school he finally works up the courage to tell her how he feels. "Ms. Smith you're smart and beautiful, can I have sex with you?" The teacher responds, "I don't know, may you have sex with me?"

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Substitute English teacher

An English class for slower students was going through the dictionary as a months-long project, and is hoping to finish “S” soon.

One day the teacher, Mrs Smith, was about to move on to the next page. “Okay, the first word for today is s-“
She stopped mid sentence, froze up with her eyes...

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Why do English teachers hate anal sex?

Because they can't stand it when you misuse a colon.

My English teacher told this one to my whole class

So a guide in an university does a quick tour of the campus with new male students. She shows the science department, the arts and sports departments, and then she stops at the women’s dormitory.

“You guys are NOT allowed to go there, the first time we catch you in the women’s dormitory, the ...

My high school English teacher was so mean!

She would walk around the classroom and stop to ask students random grammar questions. I remember this one time she was walking by my desk and she stopped, pointed at me and said "Quick, name 2 pronouns!"


Startled, I looked at her and replied "who, me?"

There was an English teacher teaching in Germany.

On the first day. He taught them all the words beginning with A. On the second day he taught them all the words beginning with B. After the third day, which was words with C. He thought to himself. “I wonder how they’re going to handle ‘D-day’”

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I was seduced by my English teacher

She made me have sex with her

Did you notice the above sentence didn’t end with a period?

Yeah... the teacher is due next month.

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An English teacher to his class...

"In some languages a double negative is interpreted as a negative while in some others it is interpreted as a positive. However a double positive is universally interpreted as a positive"


A voice from the back of the class replied "Yeah right"

My old English teacher became a judge...

She likes to give criminals long sentences.

I'm an English teacher and I'm obsessed with staying clean.

I hope there isn't any literature house.

My English teacher asked if I could explain brevity better.

Short answer, no. Long answer, yes.

How does an English teacher laugh?

Ha(d) ha(d)

First joke that I ever make please don't kill me

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An English teacher reminds her...

An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:


"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someo...

The English Teacher in India

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

I changed my career as an English teacher to beekeeping

Got sick and tired of explaning the difference between am is are was were etc. But man, there's still too many bees.

In high school I knew we had an alcoholic Mexican English teacher

When she had us read Tequila Mockingbird

Why don't English teachers like parole?

They prefer complete sentences.

My English teacher constantly makes fun of me because I confuse my prepositions.

He's always rubbing it out.

Did you hear about the English teacher who went to prison for so long she went through menopause?

She was most upset that there would be no period at the end of her sentence.

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay.

It wasn't justified.

A student was listening to an English teacher's lecture

A student was listening to an English teacher's lecture when a female student from behind had remarked that the book they were reading, "Spider Season", irked her because she was afraid of spiders. The professor perked up and said:

"Its interesting to note, that the number one fear of women ...

I once dated an English teacher

But when she saw my dangling participle, she was afraid I would split her infinitive.

My English teacher asked me what I knew about syntax.

"I never knew part of my earnings were dedicated to wrongdoings."

What did the Pope and the English teacher have in common?

They both know a lot about sintax.

I forgot who wrote The Great Gatsby so I asked my English teacher...

What did Scott Fitzgerald ever do to him?

I just saw my high-school english teacher the other day and she didn't remember me.

I was homeschooled.

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Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.

The billionaire screamed at the killer, “Why did you do that?”

The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and to...

How did the english teacher know his student was pregnant?

She started missing periods

What's an English teacher's favourite cereal?

Synonym Grahams

My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel

I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me

What's the difference between an English teacher and a park bench.

A park bench can support a family of four.

An English teacher pulls his student aside after class and goes off on him.

Every time you forget to properly punctuate your work. Please, it's the hundredth time I've asked you, can't you get it through your thick skull? Seriously, it's not that hard. The last time I told you off was what, a day ago? Every time it's the same thing, the same mistakes. It's not a hard thing ...

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