A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Then I'm sorry, you're underqualified to work here."

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

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A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met...

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met. One day he plucked up the nerve to ask one of them, "So how come all you philosophy majors are so smart?" 

"Oh, that's no mystery," the philosophy major answered. "We've al...

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A college freshman is moving into his dorm room.

His father is helping him move in when they meet his new roommate.

His new roommate, with a heavy Southern accent, is very friendly: with a big smile he asks,

"Where y'all from?"

The freshman and his dad sneer at him, and the freshman says,

"We are from a place where we d...

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

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A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:


‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’


‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.


The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everythi...

What did the daddy buffalo say to baby buffalo when he grew up and went to college?

Bison

I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans.

The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

A guy is at an interview for college.

- So why exactly do you want to study philosophy?
- Exactly. Why?
- Welcome aboard!

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physic...

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

Where do college age vampires shop?

Forever 21

1st day at College

It was my first day at College, the class was full of students, I was late for 5 minutes and couldn't find an empty chair to sit on, the master told me to go to the next class and grab a chair, I went to the door next it was full of students as well, asked if I can grab a chair, all the students lau...

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

A dishonest college graduate wrote “PhD” on his transcript

I guess you could say he doctored it

One night four college students were out partying late

One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. Then they went to the teacher and said they had gone out to a weddi...

When I went away to college, my parents threw a big going-away party

At least, that’s what they said in their letter.

An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right.

The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'

I lived with stoners in college and suffered terrible side effects...

For years afterward, I thought I was funny.

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, John, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks John about his secret. John replies, "Well, before sex I whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer."

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportuni...

I found out why college is so expensive these days

Every university starts with U o.

In animal college, where's the best place to make memories?

The hippocampus.

I signed up for a dating service through a local college.

How was I to know that at Carbon Dating I'd only be introduced to old fossils!

A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.

"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"

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In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead all went in to visit with college admissions.

Their moms all sat in the waiting room holding their daughters purses. The brunettes mom starts snooping through her daughters purse and finds a lighter. She said " I knew my daughter was smoking. I'm going to have a talk with her".
The redhead's mom saw this and started digging through her daugh...

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :

" God...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

What course do pirates take in colleges?

Arrght..



-(Courtesy of my 8 yo who told this to me tonight)

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

Medical College Professor to a girl student...

"Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size...?"

Girl Student : "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarrassing..”

Professor asked the same question to a male student.

Male Student : "It's the Pupil of a human eye...”

Professor : "Correct."

Then...

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A man goes to a college campus. . .

A man goes to a college campus for a tour because he thinks he wants to go the following year. As he's taking his tour, he sees a large crowd surrounding a fraternity house.

He moves through the crowd and is shocked when he sees dozens of people on the lawn on the house, giving each other blo...

"How was your blind date?"

A college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

"Terrible!" The roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

A college got burned down

At least those students got their third degrees

A Jewish man's son decides he is going to convert to Christianity....

The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice."It's funny you should come to me," his friend says, "because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually reali...

A college freshman is trying out for the college football team.

"Can you run fast?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman runs along the length of the field in just over twelve seconds.

"Can you tackle?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman tackles a large dead tree and reduces it to a pile of sawdust.

"Can you pass the football?" asks the...

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

The Dean of the College of the Cardinals was at his wits end

The conclave had been contentious, and no clear leader emerged after many days of bickering. He needed a break, and was resting in his private office when there was a gentle rap at the door.

"What is it? Is there word of a new Pope?"

"Not exactly, sir."

"Who is it that disturbs...

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

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At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance....

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America,

we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call

this a kiss.”

She replies, “Yaah...

I dated an Indian girl in college and got to know her extended family

Now I have strong passwords for life

The reason why Marx never finished college

There was a class conflict

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

What is it called when a lot of Covid-19 variants mix with each other?

>!A college fraternity party.!<

You’re going to clown college?

You can’t be serious.

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A Scottish man's daughter comes home from college.

She says "Dad, I've decided to become a prostitute." The dad says "Yes, I know, and that's okay. I've already heard about that from your boyfriend, and I almost had a heart attack, because, at first I thought he said Protestant."

In college, I had trouble making friends till I came up with a foolproof plan.

I told all the girls “I love you”, and they usually said, “Let’s just be friends”.

"you have to go to college"

**SON:** but why though?

"to be able get nice things *[shows him my watch]* you see this?"

**SON:** yeah?

"I stole this from my roommate, freshman year"

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

Subway is opening a sandwich making college in Alabama.

Everyone there is already great at making things inbred.

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

Advice for final exams

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Wish me luck, I have end of term exams tomorrow," she tells the bartender. "Good luck," the bartender says. "Are you all prepared?" "I've done everything I can think of to prepare. I even texted my ex last night," she says. "I asked him if he ha...

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

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A school hires a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On her first day, the principal decides to sit in the class and observe, and he sits down next to Little Johnny. The teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Midway through the sentence she drops the marker and bends down to pick it up. As she straightens and finishes the sentence she asks...

I was so excited when my son left for college to become a clockmaker...

...Until he dropped out after a semester. Turns out, he thought studying Horology was something completely different.

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Jack and Jill have grown up.

They've graduated from college, and got a job at the same company. One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, a...

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

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Ivy League School Principal, Mr. Marquez, and Community College Principal, Mr. Davidson, were arguing that their respective students were the most fearless.

Ivy League school principal called his students and asked them to jump in sea full of sharks.

They jumped.

Principal said: “See the guts…”

Community College principal called his students and asked them to jump.

They said: "Have you completely lost your marbles, Mr. Davids...

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock...

... because communication is key

Name’s Juan

Names Juan. A few years ago I’d been living with my girlfriend in her apartment. I’ve been into video games since I was a kid and never took a real interest in learning practical things like how to hit a nail with a hammer. Girlfriend and I met in college and since graduating and moving in together ...

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

What do you call a college student who joined the paratroopers to pay off his student loans?

Debt from above.

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

I'd like to take a moment to say thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.

what do you call a cruise full of college graduates?













(a Scholar-ship)

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

Colleges are still offering study abroad courses...

...via Zoom meeting.

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library.

They have an excellent non-friction section.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.

As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bir...

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Santa & Preeto on a farm!

Santa Singh and his wife Preeto were living in Assam on a farm up in the hills.


One day, Santa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Preeto that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.


Preeto says, "Why don't you go...

Why didn't the Sun go to college?

Because it already had a million degrees!

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"Right, I'm off out", said the wife, grabbing her coat. "It's my evening class tonight, down at the college."

"Is it a plumbing class?"

"No, don't be silly."

"Then pull your fucking jeans up!"

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A joke

Jeff and Tim were sitting at a bar drinking, and Jeff turned to Tim and said, “y’know i never got me a proper education. I think I’ll go down to the community college and sign up for some classes”.
So Jeff later that day went to the community college and spoke to a man and the man told him “I’ll ...

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students...

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing

out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and

the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking

this rule will be fined $20 the first ti...

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

A College offered me a full ride scholarship

I said are you gonna give me a ride back

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I got fucked hard while in college

Here is what she said while I was getting fucked:

"Despite what we told you earlier you need to take another class to graduate. The next semester will be around $40000 just like they've all been."

I'm filling in for my friend who got hung over from yesterday's drinking..

His patients wont be thrilled if they knew I never went to Dental College

Why is Alabama college football so strong?

Because they are all one big family

In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
<...

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

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Three boys were sitting on a curb, admiring a parked Cadillac, Mercedes and BMW.[NSFW]

The first kid says “man, I’m going to keep practicing my three point shot so I can go to the NBA, and buy a Cadillac like that one.” Second kid says “I’m going to go to college, get a good job, and buy a Mercedes.” The last kid says “I wish I had a nice pussy.” The first two kids exclaim “WTF you wa...

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My girlfriend asked me to take a picture of my penis for her college class to use. Said my penis was a perfect specimen!

It was for her microbiology class.

A Jewish father was quite troubled by his errant son’s behavior, and went to see the rabbi about it...

“I brought him up as a Jew, spent a small fortune on his education and almost as much on his bar mitzvah. Then he calls me to tell me he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “Like you, I too brought my son up as a good...

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

Where did Montezuma go to college?

Az Tech

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

Opposites

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"

A redneck in the back of the class stood up f...

Two guys walk into a bar...

The third guy ducks.


(I know this joke is mediocre at best, but I found it on a post-it note stuck a trash can on my college campus a few days ago and felt obligated to share it.)

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Ole Blue

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with. Why, they actua...

In my college days I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of my life.

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

My college has a strict "No Enrollment" policy

No acceptions.

I feel bad for current college students...

Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.

How many college degrees did the circle get?

360 °

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