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I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it to work here."

\-"But I never went to college."

\-"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.

​

“Yes, doe...

A college professor was very worried about his recent study on earthquakes.

It turns out his findings were on shaky ground.

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College professor is experiencing a “slow-down” in his sex-life with his wife...

... so he is trying to figure out how to spice it up. He is hearing that there is a foreign student who has a lot of luck with girls on the campus so he decides to ask him for advice.

“Paolo, how are you doing it?”
“Well professor, right before I am about to do it with a girl, I whip my j...

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears

and tells the head of the philosophy department, “I will grant you
whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty, or
10 million dollars.”

Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.

There is a flash of lightning, and the professor appears
transformed, but he just sits...

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People say that without college I'm nothin

Bitch please I don't need a degree to be a clothing hanger


*Hooks onto clothing rack*

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A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and ask...

A college student, A banker, and a bomber are on a plane

They are losing altitude and fast. The pilot says they need to lose some weight if they want to survive. The college student drops his backpack. The banker drops a large safe. The bomber drops a bomb.

A few hours later, walking down the street, a child is sitting crying on the curb. A man as...

The sun doesn't need to go to college

because it already has 28 million degrees

What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

A group of college students are having a party in a flat on the 10th floor.

It's been going for a while now, everyone is properly drunk and baked. One of them decides that since they're so high up, they might be even able to reach Mars, so he takes an empty carton, writes "Mission to Mars" on it, and with other partygoers assistance is thrown out of the window with it. They...

I had trouble making friends in college, but then came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls I love them. Their first reaction was to say let’s just be friends.

TIL College football is actually a combination of two American pastimes

Coercive land grabbing, and exploiting unpaid black labor

"Even though I didn't go to college, I make as much as a Graduate..."

"...Unfortunately it's a gender studies major."

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An American college student goes to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day

He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The American guy has never seen a dick that big, and he kind of blurts out, “...

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my colleg...

I asked a math major freshman friend this morning, "So what's your four-year plan in college?"

ohhh you mean my Four-Year Transform or Four-Year Series?

What do you call a brain surgeon that got a C average in college?

A brain surgeon. I hope your surgery goes well!

I want to say thank you to my student loans for getting me through college.

I'll never be able to repay you.

What did the cannibal say when he was eating the College Professor's nuts?

Mmm. Academia!

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Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

What college did the calf apply to?

CowTech

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When I learned about imaginary numbers in college, I was really excited.

Finally I could plot my sex life.

I'm only a college student right now...

... But I just can't wait to get a job in the field I've spent so much time and money studying!

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This whole college bribery scandal pisses me off. When I got into MIT, we didn't have fixers or bribes.

We did it the old fashioned way: cheating and blowjobs.

College life for introverts

1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!

2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.

3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime ...

Sharing a washing machine in college

I was going to the college laundry room to wash my clothes and noticed someone left their clothes in the dryer that I had booked.

Naturally I just went to take it out, but just as I did, a girl walked in, and saw me with my arms full of her towels and underwear.

She gave me a very we...

Why did the music note drop out of college?

Because it couldn’t pick a major

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What do you call someone exclusively attracted to college professors?

A-sexual

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

A girl was failing all her classes in college.

Deciding to try to use her looks to get ahead and get better grades she visited each of her male professors. She had three.

She visited the first one. After flirting a bit and getting some good reaction she decided to flash him. He seemed happy and liked them. Confident that he would raise h...

Two old college buddies bump into each other

Two old college buddies bump into each other at the reunion after 10 years apart. Jack and Hadid used to be thick as thieves back in college, chasing girls, getting into trouble and all sorts of mischief.

Jack was surprised to find out that Hadid also took up a career in stand up comedy and b...

How can you tell that an ice cube didn’t graduate from college in the US?

Because it has 0 degrees.
Also because it uses the Celsius scale.

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

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I got prescribed Adderall back in college and used to give them to this girl in exchange for sex...

She was such an Attention Whore!

What do a teacher and a college student have in common?

Their budget.

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The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:

"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have a...

A large college class was taking a timed final exam...

As time wound down, the prof counted down, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 1 minute... put down your pencils.

As all the other students walk up and lay their tests down on the profs desk, one student in the front row kept writing.

The prof said, " put down your pencil."

The stude...

Why don't flat earther's go to college?

They're afraid of coming out 'well rounded'

What's one of the perks of going to a big college on Southern California?

UCLA

Kermit the Frog decided to become a college professor.

His lectures are ribbiting.

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

What do you call a test tube with a college degree?

a graduated cylinder

My girlfriend woke up and said “I’m mad at you! I just had a dream that you were hitting on college girls!”

I could tell she was really upset so I hugged her, then looked in her eyes and said “Oh sweetheart you have nothing to worry about...I don’t dig smart chicks”

Approximately 56% of strippers are working their way through college.

This, according to the latest pole.

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

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Three college girls went to a sushi restaurant

After having a few drinks, the first girl said "I just ate 3 dozens of fish" after eating a fish egg sushi.

The girl beside her heard it and responded "That would mean I ate three to four chickens" while staring at her remaining Tamagoyaki (Japanese egg roll).

The third girl burped an...

I'm stoked to have my final college test of the semester tomorrow!

Wish me merry Xams!

I went to college to study foreign affairs

And now I know how to cheat on my wife with a russian beauty!

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A farmer hires a college student

one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers becau...

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A man gets on the bus to go home from college

A man gets on the bus to go home from college and as the journey begins his stomach starts to grumble. They get out into the country and he gets the urge. He runs up to the driver and tells him how sorry he is but he must've had some bad cafeteria food and he needs to poop immediately. The bus drive...

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

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At a local college dance,

a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance.

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, w...

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A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

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A guy is late to a college exam (longish)

The professor is a known hard ass and when he arrives the professor tells him that because was late he can't take the test. The guy insists and snatches a test off the professors desk. He sits down and furiously starts to write his answers.

Students start to finish the test one by one and ...

College is like a wife...

It sucks for a couple of years but when it is no longer the part of your life you wonder where did your money go...

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There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

A college girl brings her new beau home to meet the family

Her father takes him aside for a chat,

"You seem like a nice enough fellow young man, what do you study?'

"I'm a theology major sir." Answers the young man.

"I see,If you dont mind my asking, where will you live with my little girl after you get married?"

"God will provi...

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A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

Credit: my friend's 3-year-old made this up. I'll pass on any karma to his college fund.

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This cute college girl won't date me because of my braces

fucking bracist.

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College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick c...

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"

&#x200B;

That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

Four college students have been out partying for a night before an exam.

The next morning, they wake up and realize they're late, so as they make their way to the exam, they come up with excuses to make for the professor.

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they ...

What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college?

“You’re the man of the house now”

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College Anatomy class

A professor at a university was starting a lecture for his new students.

He says "Welcome to college anatomy 101 where we'll be discussing everything about the human body. Some things that we'll discuss may make you feel a little awkward, but don't worry about that."

To test the leve...

A college guy meets a hot chick at a frat party

They end up in her dorm knocking boots; he’s living every freshmans dream! After a breather, he notices the girl has tears in her eyes. He asks her what’s up and she says “I haven’t been truthful to you; I was raised as Christian” he shrugs. “ so? College life’s about experimenting and finding yours...

I wish my college was run by EA

At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

It’s the end of spring break at college

These four buddies have an exam on Monday but decide to go out and party Sunday night anyway. They wake up and skip class because of the bad hangovers they have from all of the drinking. They walk in Tuesday and apologize to the professor, saying their car got a flat tire, hoping he’ll let them take...

If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed in college...

I would be up to about $6.30 now.

The best thing about college

The best thing about college is it forces you to have confidence. Like in high school I never had the confidence to walk in front of a moving car.

There’s a college guy that decides to take a vacation in France.

The guy arrives checks into his hotel and goes to grab a bite to eat. He sees a French guy with all these beautiful women all over him and thinks it’s odd because the guy isn’t very attractive. He just shrugs it off and finishes his meal.

Later that day he heads to the beach and sees the same...

What do CAPTCHAs and college professors have in common?

They both generate and grade tests they themselves cannot pass. Enjoy midterm week!

What’ was James Brown’s favorite college?

UNH

A new social media site is sweeping over college campuses.

Mysafespace.

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A college kid is traveling through the mountains of Georgia...

He’s lost, and having no luck finding his way back to the interstate. It’s getting dark, and the road is twisty — so when he sees a sign “hotel and beer,” he decides to stop for the night. Given that he’s lost, he figures he’ll stop in the bar for one drink and some directions.

When he gets...

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A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland, when, as is the custom in such areas, an unexpected rainstorm came up. Seeking shelter, he found an old stone pub with a light on, and stumbled in through the front door. The pub was painfully small, with just a handful of stools, a bark...

Old man goes back to college

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room...

Ditto is the term for when two people say the same thing. What's the term for two people who go to the same college?

Debto

Four college students decide to get drunk before their final exam.

Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam. They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car tire went flat. They ...

What course did the average Redditor fail in college?

Intercourse.

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A college girl once had a very active sex life...

She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, s...