A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality......

“In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

Where do college age vampires shop?

Forever 21

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I applied to every single college fraternity

But I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently they only accept complete dicks.

1st day at College

It was my first day at College, the class was full of students, I was late for 5 minutes and couldn't find an empty chair to sit on, the master told me to go to the next class and grab a chair, I went to the door next it was full of students as well, asked if I can grab a chair, all the students lau...

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A college freshman is moving into his dorm room.

His father is helping him move in when they meet his new roommate.

His new roommate, with a heavy Southern accent, is very friendly: with a big smile he asks,

"Where y'all from?"

The freshman and his dad sneer at him, and the freshman says,

"We are from a place where we d...

When I went away to college, my parents threw a big going-away party

At least, that’s what they said in their letter.

One night four college students were out partying late

One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. Then they went to the teacher and said they had gone out to a weddi...

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right.

The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'

A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :

" God...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

I lived with stoners in college and suffered terrible side effects...

For years afterward, I thought I was funny.

What course do pirates take in colleges?

Arrght..



-(Courtesy of my 8 yo who told this to me tonight)

The Dean of the College of the Cardinals was at his wits end

The conclave had been contentious, and no clear leader emerged after many days of bickering. He needed a break, and was resting in his private office when there was a gentle rap at the door.

"What is it? Is there word of a new Pope?"

"Not exactly, sir."

"Who is it that disturbs...

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, John, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks John about his secret. John replies, "Well, before sex I whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer."

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportuni...

Medical College Professor to a girl student...

"Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size...?"

Girl Student : "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarrassing..”

Professor asked the same question to a male student.

Male Student : "It's the Pupil of a human eye...”

Professor : "Correct."

Then...

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A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

A dishonest college graduate wrote “PhD” on his transcript

I guess you could say he doctored it

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

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A man goes to a college campus. . .

A man goes to a college campus for a tour because he thinks he wants to go the following year. As he's taking his tour, he sees a large crowd surrounding a fraternity house.

He moves through the crowd and is shocked when he sees dozens of people on the lawn on the house, giving each other blo...

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

You’re going to clown college?

You can’t be serious.

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At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance....

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America,

we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call

this a kiss.”

She replies, “Yaah...

I dated an Indian girl in college and got to know her extended family

Now I have strong passwords for life

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Going To Hooters

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington.
They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "...

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A joke

Jeff and Tim were sitting at a bar drinking, and Jeff turned to Tim and said, “y’know i never got me a proper education. I think I’ll go down to the community college and sign up for some classes”.
So Jeff later that day went to the community college and spoke to a man and the man told him “I’ll ...

A college freshman is trying out for the college football team.

"Can you run fast?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman runs along the length of the field in just over twelve seconds.

"Can you tackle?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman tackles a large dead tree and reduces it to a pile of sawdust.

"Can you pass the football?" asks the...

The reason why Marx never finished college

There was a class conflict

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A Scottish man's daughter comes home from college.

She says "Dad, I've decided to become a prostitute." The dad says "Yes, I know, and that's okay. I've already heard about that from your boyfriend, and I almost had a heart attack, because, at first I thought he said Protestant."

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

Interviewer: Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it here.

Me: But I never went to college.

Interviewer: I'm sorry, then you're underqualified to work here.

"you have to go to college"

**SON:** but why though?

"to be able get nice things *[shows him my watch]* you see this?"

**SON:** yeah?

"I stole this from my roommate, freshman year"

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

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A school hires a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On her first day, the principal decides to sit in the class and observe, and he sits down next to Little Johnny. The teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Midway through the sentence she drops the marker and bends down to pick it up. As she straightens and finishes the sentence she asks...

In college, I had trouble making friends till I came up with a foolproof plan.

I told all the girls “I love you”, and they usually said, “Let’s just be friends”.

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Three boys were sitting on a curb, admiring a parked Cadillac, Mercedes and BMW.[NSFW]

The first kid says “man, I’m going to keep practicing my three point shot so I can go to the NBA, and buy a Cadillac like that one.” Second kid says “I’m going to go to college, get a good job, and buy a Mercedes.” The last kid says “I wish I had a nice pussy.” The first two kids exclaim “WTF you wa...

A Jewish father was quite troubled by his errant son’s behavior, and went to see the rabbi about it...

“I brought him up as a Jew, spent a small fortune on his education and almost as much on his bar mitzvah. Then he calls me to tell me he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “Like you, I too brought my son up as a good...

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Ivy League School Principal, Mr. Marquez, and Community College Principal, Mr. Davidson, were arguing that their respective students were the most fearless.

Ivy League school principal called his students and asked them to jump in sea full of sharks.

They jumped.

Principal said: “See the guts…”

Community College principal called his students and asked them to jump.

They said: "Have you completely lost your marbles, Mr. Davids...

Colleges are still offering study abroad courses...

...via Zoom meeting.

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock...

... because communication is key

I was so excited when my son left for college to become a clockmaker...

...Until he dropped out after a semester. Turns out, he thought studying Horology was something completely different.

I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library.

They have an excellent non-friction section.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

Subway is opening a sandwich making college in Alabama.

Everyone there is already great at making things inbred.

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"Right, I'm off out", said the wife, grabbing her coat. "It's my evening class tonight, down at the college."

"Is it a plumbing class?"

"No, don't be silly."

"Then pull your fucking jeans up!"

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

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If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of pap...

What do fraternity fish study in college?

Algae, bruh.

What do you call a college student who joined the paratroopers to pay off his student loans?

Debt from above.

A College offered me a full ride scholarship

I said are you gonna give me a ride back

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.

As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bir...

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

Why didn't the Sun go to college?

Because it already had a million degrees!

I'd like to take a moment to say thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

what do you call a cruise full of college graduates?













(a Scholar-ship)

Myself, along with a small group of fellow Chemistry majors have been close friends since our college days.

I guess you could say that we have developed strong bonds.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Why is Alabama college football so strong?

Because they are all one big family

A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
<...

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I got fucked hard while in college

Here is what she said while I was getting fucked:

"Despite what we told you earlier you need to take another class to graduate. The next semester will be around $40000 just like they've all been."

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

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My girlfriend asked me to take a picture of my penis for her college class to use. Said my penis was a perfect specimen!

It was for her microbiology class.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students...

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing

out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and

the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking

this rule will be fined $20 the first ti...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

If spiders went to college what would be their favorite class?

Web design

I picked my son up from college the other day.

He said "Dad this is embarrassing, everybody is looking at us."
I said" They're only jealous son, just because their dad's ain't carrying them on their shoulders."

In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

Where did Montezuma go to college?

Az Tech

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

How to stay in class

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day. Our calculus instructor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus," the student says. "If she wasn't so drop-dead gorgeous I would have dropped the class already." "So I guess you could says she's easy on the ...

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

A Married Couple were at a party chatting with some friends when the Subject of Marriage Counselling came up

"Oh, we'll never need that. We have a great relationship." The Husband explained

"She was a Communications Major in college and I majored in Theatre Arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening"

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Two rednecks go to college...

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me g...

One night, three women go out to celebrate their college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, “I just gradu...

How many college degrees did the circle get?

360 °

In my college days I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of my life.

A traveling salesman was driving through the countryside when his car broke down.

Without phone service, he walked a couple miles to a farm house where he knocked on the door.

The old farmer answered and the salesman told him of his situation.

The farmer says. "It's getting late, but your welcome to spend the night. We'll call the tow truck in the morning.
<...

I feel bad for current college students...

Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.

My college has a strict "No Enrollment" policy

No acceptions.

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

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Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

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4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

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I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

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Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

A parrot went to college

He studied Pollytics

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

Did you hear the one about the kidnapper who went to college to become a tailor?

He had a minor in cuffs.

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

I have my end semester exam tomorrow

The joke is that I couldn't get into college

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A construction company builds a 5 stories apartment building but with no bathroom

A reporter asks the contractor:

"Why didn't you build any bathroom in the building?"

The contractor replies:
"The first floor is a kindergarten, they go potty so no need for a bathroom"

"The second floor is for high ranking officials, they've got people to wipe their ass fo...

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.

"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.

"And what ...

I spent my children's college fund on a boat...

I'm going to call it the scholarship.

My 70 year old father recently enrolled in college

His first year and he's already a senior.

Awkward college reunions

At the 40th college reunion, Peter met his classmate he hadn't seen since graduation. "John," he said, "you look just like you did in college. You really haven't changed a bit."

"I know," said John. " It was terrible going through college looking like a 61- year old."

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First time

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to resea...

Water, Electricity and College students all have one thing in common...

They all follow the path of least resistance

College would cost me an arm and a leg...

But I joined the U.S. Military, so it only costed me an arm and a leg!

I used to put college on job applications but I had to stop...

Turns out during job interviews, no one is impressed that you pledged ligma sugma boffa.

Students in a college final exam were nearing the end of the testing period...

"All pencils down, turn in your tests, put them in a stack on my desk" ordered the professor to the class of 200 students.

Almost every student put their pencil down except for one student who was adding to their last answer. When the other students had handed in their tests the late student ...

A young man goes off to college

A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.

"Dad, you won't be...

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