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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

An Arab student studying in Europe phones his dad

Dad: How's your life going son?

Son: It's going well, Dad.

Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.

Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.,

So...

Student doesn't turn in homework.

Teacher: Alright class, time to collect homework.
*walks around to collect homework, approaches student's desk. *

Teacher: "Where's your homework?"

Student: "I didn't know we had homework."

Teacher: "How? I posted it online."

Student: "I don't believe everything t...

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

Student: What’s Haiku?

Professor: Five, seven, five.

Student: Okay, thanks!

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file

Why did the postdoctoral law student cross the road?

To drop his resume off at the other restaurant.

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An art student in Germany applies for a Fine Arts Academy.

The headmaster assures the student that his work is great, and his mind is exceptional.

But he tells the student the university has already received too many students for this year so unfortunately his application is denied.

The student grows a somber look on his face, leans in and say...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

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What's the difference between my wife and my student loans?

My student loans fuck me with interest.

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.

It's called Meal or no Meal.

An old teacher asked her student

"If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"

The student replied, "It is obviously past."

What do you call a student who sneezes in a class full of unvaccinated children?

A terrorist.

What kind of cologne do college students in Burlington, NC wear?

Elon Musk

A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”

Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

I hope you enjoyed my cake day joke.

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

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A student asks his history teacher...

A student asks his history teacher, "What is the practical use of history in real life??"

She replies, "You'll find out soon."

Twenty years later, the boy, now a grown man, was walking down the street thinking-"I work in an MNC, and never used history. My teacher was wrong..."

S...

What do you call an American student who is running in the hall

Target practice

An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .

He regretted not passing it

A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:

Student: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket.

Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your luggage.

Student: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London.

Officer:( Looking confused), I'm sorry we cannot do that?

St...

Mischievous medical student

A notorious student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. This time, he went to his professor, but his professor was ready for him.

Student: 'How long can a man survive without a brain, sir? '

Professor: 'I don't know really. How old are you? '

A student in my Poli Sci class had a seizure today.

thought it would be a good time to talk about the 4th amendment.

Student (to teacher): What you teach is all useless junk.

Teacher: Please don't deprecate yourself thus.

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

What do you call Russian student who seems like he'll never finish college?

Stalling grad

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

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What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

The teacher asked her student : "Are there any classes you're struggling with? "

"The bourgeoisie" he said.

Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?

To study a broad.

What's the difference between herpes and student loan?

You could have some fun time before you get herpes.

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'


''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was...

A kindergarten teacher is reviewing with her students

"What does the bee give us?", he asks,
"Honey!", say the kids,
"And what does the caterpillar give us?", he says,
"Silk!", they say,
"And what does the cow give us?",
"Homework!"

What did the teacher do with her students' report on the history of cheese?

She grated it.

If you took every student who sleeps in class at any given point in the school day, and laid them end to end...

They would be much more comfortable.

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A student of proctology is in the morgue...

...one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, t...

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It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'

'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

A Student asks a Professor...

Student: Professor, can I ask you something?

Professor: Sure.

Student: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Professor: I dont know

Student: Its simple, you open the fridge and put him in. I have another question.

Professor: Go ahead

Student: How do you ...

3 college students are living together to save money

One day they decided to carpool to class to conserve gas and cash, but they live in the top floor of a 30 floor apartment complex. The elevator breaks, which makes them have to take the stairs. The 3 deside to make time fly. The first 16 floors guy one tells a really happy story, the second 10 floor...

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.

The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”


The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.”


The first student responds, “Good choice! Her c...

A college student calls the admissions office

'Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on my acceptance letter, its listed as Cyirwu, is there a way to fix it?'

'Sorry about that, could you spell it for me? I'll try and update your file.'

'Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in 'double-u', and Y as in you.

What is an American student's favourite type of notebook?

A bullet journal

To make extra cash, my professor forces all his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

Shout out to my student loans

for being the only one from college keeping in touch

A high school student struggles to pass his tests but decides, one day, to pull himself together.

After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.

A month passes and the semester is finally over.

He approaches his father and shows him his grades.

The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:



"long time no C".

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A teacher and his students are in the Anatomy class.

It's the first class of the semester, and everyone is eager to learn.

The professor starts "The first thing one has to do to become a good doctor is to be a good observant. The second one is to never, ever feel disgusted by anything."

After this observation, the teacher leads the stud...

The school I went to was so rough that they had to check students for weapons at the gate.

If you didn’t have one, they gave you one.

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

Four students are on a road trip

They completely forget about their test, and they haven't studied at all whatsoever. They ask to make a deal with the professor, and come up with an excuse for not revising.

They would say that their car was extremely muddy and a tyre had a puncture and they couldn't change it, and could not ...

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A class 5 teacher asked her students to make rhymes with their names

Sam:
My name is Sam,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to Russia and Japan,
If I can, If I can, If I can

Candy:
My name is Candy,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can

Dan:
My name is Dan.
When I grow up to ...

What did the average student at The University of Alabama get on their SAT test?

Drool.....

A student son is visiting his father and upon arrival is clearly upset about something.

His dad asks him what is the matter, and the son replies that he just had a horrible first date with this really pretty girl.

Dad asks what happened.

Son:

“Well she asked me if I go to college. I said no.

Then she asked me if I drive a Mercedes. I truthfully said no.
...

A student is going to the bathroom with his backpack.

Teacher asks: Why do you need a backpack in the bathroom?

The student: Where else would I hide the gun?

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

Some first year uni students come home in the holiday for a surprise maths test of 'What's 2 + 2?'

The engineer says 'well it's 3.75, but given the situation we can round it to 5'

The mathematician goes and works for a while, then comes back saying 'I don't know what the answer is, but I know one exists'

The astrophysicist says 'rounding to the nearest million the answer would be 0'...

A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam

She passed.

I don't understand why people think that an animation graduate student would not be able to get a job. Well I'm here to tell them they're wrong. I'm working! I'm doing my job making many kids happy...

Happy meals at McDonald's.






Come get your free surprise gift for a limited time only.

Thank you student loans for getting me through college!

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you ...

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

Which nation has the most university students?

Procrasti-nation

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

There was this student who had lost his glasses.

so he attended a C# class

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

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A teacher asks her students to use the word “beautiful” twice in a sentence...

Little Sandy’s hand shoots into the air immediately.

“Go ahead, Sandy.”

“My mother bought a beautiful new dress, and she looks beautiful when she wears it.”

“Very good, Sandy!”

Sandy beams. At that moment another hand is raised in the back of the room. It’s that of Little...

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

....Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't...

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A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This...

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A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

A student was playing games on his iPhone

A student was playing games on his iPhone, and a teacher caught him.

she yelled "knock it off"

the student took that advice to heart and founded Huawei

I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard.

Alas, I've never had good pupils.

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A Japanese sword master is demonstrating a new move to his students.

"There is fly in room", he says, "I will now put on blindfold and slash it with sword".

As his students watch on, he suddenly performs one swift stroke of his blade, takes off his blindfold and bows to his students.

"I'm confused", says one of his students, "Fly is still buzzing around...

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans”

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.

Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

How many students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but they'll leave it till last minute to Turnitin

"When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher

"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

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A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

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A priest, a lawyer and a teacher with his students were on a plane

The plane was going through some heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the pilot got on the speaker and said the plane is going down. The stewardess broke the bad news: only 3 parachutes for the passengers. The lawyer said to the priest and teacher, "Perfect! One for each of us. Lets GO!"

Then the teac...

A physics student ask his teacher

A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity"
The teacher answers: "I'll see if I can pull some strings for you"

teacher and student joke

Teacher: What's the past participle of the verb "to ring?"
Student: What do you think, sir?
Teacher: I don't think. I KNOW.
Student: I don't think I know either, sir.

I’ve noticed a severe lack of African-American students attending Hogwarts...

... I guess they don’t like black magic.

A pompous student is taking a college course but never shows up to class. on the day of exams...

On the day of exams the student comes in and starts writing his essay with the rest as if he’s been there the whole time. The professor sees this and thinks how weird it is that the kid is taking the exam without going to the classes. Anyways the time is nearing the end and the professor announces t...

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Why did the blonde student have sex with a Mexican?

Her Professor told her to "Do an essay".

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

A teacher and a student

A teacher asked Billy: If there are 5 birds on a post and you shoot 1, how many are there left Billy?

Billy: None. The rest would fly away.

Teacher: The real answer is 4 but i like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question for you ma'am. If there are 3 women eating ice cream, ...

What did the band students do when their teacher died?

They played F to pay respects.

A teacher asks students, "Who can tell me what are the most flammable materials?"

Jewish Student: Me Me Me

Teacher: okay, what else?

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

Student wearing one black and one white shoe in the class

Teacher : Go home and change your shoes.
Student : What's the point. At home also there is one black and one White only.

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:

"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

A teacher gives 7 grade students a task

to learn about a topic from a given list (which goes: food, water, cows, horses, airplanes etc) and then present it in class the next week with props and costumes. One of those students, George, felt that this was a stupid thing to do and didn’t prepare that day. The following day, his parents got a...

I tell my students math is like really ugly person

You must truly love it, in order to enjoy doing it.

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Two students are late for school,

so their teacher sends them to the principal's office.

The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, "I was throwing sticks in the lake." The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, "Boy, this school sure is strict - that's no...

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The fi...

A student walks into a bar

They pass and have a very successful lawyering career.

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you sa...

I don’t think I’d have made it through university without the help of my student loans

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay them

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At a Sunday family lunch, a daughter, good student aged 20, announces that she is pregnant.

Father drops the fork and knife in shock. Mother looks at her in total disbelief. None of them are able to say a word for couple of seconds, before yelling starts... What was she thinking about? Of course she does not plan to keep it? They invested so much in her education, how could she do this? Wh...

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A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

Smoking cigarettes isn't completely bad for you,

Just think, for every cigarette you smoke it takes 7 minutes off your student loans.

Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."

Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith repli...

A Student was late

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. 
Teacher: Thats nice. Were you helping him look for it ? 
Student: No. I was standing on it.

A teacher is telling her students that, in English, two negatives make a positive but two positives don’t make a negative.

A student from the back yells “yeah right”

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So there's this pathologist who's just walked into the morgue with his medical students

They walk over to a cadaver that's just arrived that morning.

"Please observe the following" he says. He takes his index finger and shoves it up the anus of the cadaver, pulls it out and sucks on his finger. "Now you all try" he says as each student puts their index finger up the anus and li...

I had a driving student who was addicted to braking

He said he could stop whenever he wanted

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

Little Anna raised her finger.

“Yes Anna?”

“I think the hands go first”, she said.

“Why is that?”, asked the teacher.

“Because, when people pray, they raise thei...

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

Why do topology students get caught trespassing so often?

They can't seem to understand the difference between open and closed

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