Academy Jokes - 44 Hilarious Academy Jokes

A woman got a job at a horseback riding academy

One day, she was appointed to give a tour to one of the schools' wealthiest donors.

The donor in question was an old man; his eyes were failing but despite that handicap he was impressed with the academy developments.

When they reached the stable to examine the horses, she took him fi...

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

What do you call an infection that makes you sound like an Academy Award-winning actress?

Streep throat

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I applied to the police academy

The academy head approached me "I am afraid I have to decline your application".

"What's the problem?"

"Your family history. Specifically your mother and father."

"My parents are happily married."

"That's the problem. All cops are bastards."

Terry Wingdings was the newest recruit at the police academy.

Look out world, there’s a new serif in town.

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

The Ninety-Second Academy Awards

Sure seemed like the show was longer than that.

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Three women are near completing their CIA Academy training...

A white girl, a black girl, and a native American girl. The three must each pass a final test. Each is told that their husband is a foreign secret agent, and that they must kill their respective spouses to prove their loyalty. The white woman first is handed a pistol and enters the room wher...

What do an umbrella and the 12th Academy Award winner have in common?

They're both gone with the wind.

My school has become an academy; it's sponsored by IKEA.

Lessons are ok, but morning assembly takes ages.

I wasn't doing very well at the r/jokes fencing academy.

But people starting to notice me when I learned how effective riposting was.

Why’d the Jedi get charged with police brutality shortly after joining the police academy?

He used excessive force

I found a stash of guns in my academy and reported it to the police

Needless to say i was kicked out of the gun academy

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

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An air force cadet enters flight academy during world war 2

He gets a perfect score on the written test on the first day and starts his flight training. He's so good he's doing loops and within the first week.

He graduates within a month with flying colors and is sent to the pacific and stationed on an aircraft carrier.

He shoots down 5 Japan...

What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy?

"The sky's the limit for you".

My friend went to this really prestigious, super expensive prep academy.

I mean these kids are so rich they hire hitmen to do their school shootings.

Plato and Aristotle were in the music room of the Academy in Athens.

Plato was at the piano, and Aristotle was holding a small lute in his hands.

“Plato, do you know the unpredictability and exactitude of ethics and reflective philosophical hermeneutics require phronesis as an ontological counterpoint to peripatetic conjecture?”

“No,” Plato replied. “Bu...

Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?

Because they already had plenty of mediums.

I hear there is an academy for people who want to learn how to graft limbs onto trees.

I want to start a new branch.

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

After the iceberg collision, the captain of the Titanic gathers the crew and tells them "I have bad news and good news."

"The bad news is that our ship has began to sink.

The good news is that we shall win eleven Academy Awards."

Achtung Mankind

The fact that artificial intelligence has learned to draw is nothing. Think about what will happen when he is not accepted into the Vienna Academy of Arts.

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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

The police academy was on the other side.

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The commander of the Russian military academy (corresponding to the rank of 4-star general in the US Army) gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture he asked if there were any questions.

One of the officers stood up and asked: "Will there be a Third World War?" And will Russia take part in it? The general answered positively to both questions.
Another officer asked: "Who will be our enemy?" The general replied: "Everything indicates that it will be China."
All were shocked in ...

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Russian jokes under communism

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, t...

You get in a fight with a guy and he says to you, "Nobody screws with me, punk!". How do you reply?

"Well, one day you'll find the right girl, and all that will change."

\-credit to Police Academy

The more you read, the better it gets.

A man was driving down the road when a police officer pulls him over. "Congratulations," says the police man. "You've won $500 in a safety contest for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?"

The driver says, "Oh, I'm probably going to go to the driver's academy and g...

Making a living of 3-second tunes

Two old friends, both graduates of a musical academy, meet after years of no talk. One has a super expensive suit, a posh watch and looks well groomed. The other looks much older, and is wearing shabby clothes.

\--How are you, buddy? – asks the one better off.

\--Oh, not bad. Just fini...

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My Dad's Best Joke - Not a dad joke

My dad was enjoying a smoke break during an in-service training at the police academy. He had taken to smoking Misty cigarettes. A friend from a neighboring police force asked him why he was smoking such a feminine cigarette.

"Well, Kay went out to get something out of my cruiser the other da...

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

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Two cops were watching a road...

One was grizzled and had been on the force along time and the other was young and fresh from the academy
The young one checked the speed of a car driving by.
"49" he said. The old cop said it wasn't worth it.
Another car came driving by and the young cop checked it's speed too.
"39" he...

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I had just finished my grocery shopping

When I came outside and saw the parking agent writing a ticket.

I said, - what are you writing that for? The car is within the lines.

-Too close to the fire hydrant.

-But it is within the lines, why can't you dumb parking monkeys mark the lot properly?

Slightly annoyed, t...

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Four cops had to take a test...

They were all asked the same question:
"What would you do if a man with a knife was coming at you?"

The Cop from the U.K answered by listing the steps in order what he was taught to do in Police Academy and in the Police Handbook

The Cop from the U.S Answered:
"BANG BANG BANG BAN...

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An off duty law enforcement officer is walking down a street in the USA...

and notices that an escaped rabid dog (on the illegal breed list) is on a rampage attacking shop fronts, with people panicking all over the place. This dog is very clearly about to attack a defenceless infant in a stroller.

Thinking quickly, the man pulls out his firearm and puts the dog down...

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No kidding

After graduating from the Naval Academy, my first ship I was assigned to was a battleship. The captain briefed us on our duties and then we disembarked. It was a very uneventful mission. We went. We did what we needed to do. We came back. When we got back, the captain had all of the newbies tie down...

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Good Polish Joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since

I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
...

An old man was out fishing one day...

... and was doing quite well for himself. He’d been keeping all of his catch in a 5 gallon bucket at the edge of the water, by his feet. A young state game warden, fresh out of the academy, walked up and asked to see the old man’s fishing license and inspect his fish. The young warden knew he’d hit ...

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An upstart comedian speaks to a famous movie producer ...

"So, what's your idea?"

"Well, I want to make the film about how a wealthy New York businessman raised his child to become a selfish, arrogant prick just like himself. The boy's such a fucking asshole that even his neglectful father gets sick of the rat and sends him to a military academy. ...

The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School

A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. ...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

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normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

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