I have achieved my life's goal of writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It's a play on words.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

Did you hear about the cop who drew his tickets instead of writing them?

They say he was a master of the fine arts.

A kid just finished writing his paper for class

He typed the title “1000 Ways To Cure An Itch” to finish it off. Right as he was about to hit save the screen went black. Surprised, he did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work. After a few minutes the boys dad walks in and says “The power went out.”

“What do yo...

i took the main courses in school, reading, writing, and meth...

....i hated my lab partner

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“

“It was 1959“, says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at h...

What font is the best for writing bad words?

Any cursive font.

A friend of mine is writing a book on Californian sea lions.

I assured him that paper would be much easier.

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

Everyone argues over writing dates 2 October or October 2, either way

10/2 your own damn business.

I started blogging by writing about all the best this about cats.

It was my cat-A-list.

If someone was writing a book about tsunamis...

If someone was writing a book about tsunamis and they suddenly got a rush of ideas on what to call it, would that be considered a title wave?

I'm writing an Italian opera about pasta. Hopefully it's successful.

Otherwise I might have to rigatoni.

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

We’re writing to you because you’ve violated copyright ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A journalist decides he wants to write a book about shepherds. So, he decides to travel the world to interview different shepherds.

His first stop is somewhere in the plains of Asia and he finds a lonely sheep herder, tending his flock.

“Hi sir, I am writing a book about shepherds like yourself, all across the world. Is it ok if I ask you a few questions?”

The shepherd nods.

“Well I notice it’s just you an...

Judge: "You have been found guilty of writing clickbait. You will be taken from here to a place of execution"

What happens next will shock you!

I'm thinking of writing a joke about mispronounced grammar.

I'll gerund to it later.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Me...

Its funny Dr. Seuss ended up writing kid's stories because his older sister learned massage.

Ms. Seuss

Writing a funny joke is like playing a game of darts.

Sometimes you hit. Sometimes you miss, and sometimes you get sent to jail for manslaughter.

A mechanic finished up repairing a car and his apprentice is writing up the invoice...

Apprentice says: "Boss, the total of the invoice comes up to $876".
The boss responds: "Round it up to an even thousand."

Few seconds later, the boss pipes up again: "Actually, put it at $1126, so it doesn't look rounded."

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

“Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: It’s a moving violation.

[OC] I just spent my morning break writing this joke.

Jeff had spent most of his adult life in prison for a string of drug offenses and theft. He is finally being released at 28 years old after a decade in prison.

He approaches his jailhouse lover, Vince, a former English teacher and schoolboy fondler. Vince was a little sad to say goodbye, and...

I’ve created a writing software to rival Microsoft.

It’s their Word against mine.

Writing the script for the Tetris movie must be hard,

Every time they write a line, it disappears.

Today, I saw a cop writing a parking ticket

I went and asked him if his dad was proud of him.

'Nah', he said, 'In fact, I think he would be pretty angry if he knew what I was doing. Then again, he shouldn't have parked here.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" he replied. "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for two days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the v...

TIL that for writing your last wishes you need to hire a lawyer and that it can easily become quite expensive.

What happened to free will?

What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

I'm writing a piece for the theatre.

It's called "Dictionary: A Play on Words"

Im just so overwhelmed with the difficulty of writing my own book

There are no words

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it.

I love a play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...

A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.

The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right bre...

I’m writing a novel about a guy that can kill with words

Working title “Death Sentence”

Boss: If I knew your writing was so small I'd never have hired you

Me: Well it was on my resume, you should have read the small print

A conversation about Trump while writing Revelations

John: "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: "Yeah, trumpets."

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm writing an anime based on a character with lymphedema of the nutsack

It's called 'Dragging Balls eh?"

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil.

I guess it’s a blessing and a cursive

George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar

I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

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