My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

​

I can't read a fucking word now.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likable.

It was an autobiography...

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

I'm writing an autobiography

I'm planning to kill off the main character though

Why don’t pirates like writing in cursive?

Because it’s scurvy

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

I dropped the class on writing jokes after the lesson on setups

The professor was so old

If bees start writing software

Beware

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

What do you call writing code for speakers?

Stereotyping!

(I laughed too hard when I thought of this, I’m so lame.)

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

I finally finished writing my thesis on constipation.

It was a real struggle to get it out.

Stop writing hateful things about Alabama and the abortion laws all over social media.

They likely can't read, we will need to tell them in person.

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this couple had a huge fight and now they are so pissed they will only talk to each other by writing notes.

At one point. The man wrote a note to her wife: I have a very important appointment tommorow, wake me up at 7:30.

The wife reply by writing a note: ''Ok, fine!''

The following morning, the man wakes up, and watch his phone: 9:00!

He was super pissed. When he go up, he saw a note...

My brother is an archaeologist who studies ancient Norse writing.

His career is in runes.

I'm writing a horror movie script about a sentient pen and it's going really well so far

It's practically writing itself

What do you call a person who dislikes writing utensils?

Erasist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

I’m writing a story about losing your virginity

It’s important to put it in the first person

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor was having trouble writing notes in my chart.

He kept scribbling, frowning, shaking the pen.

I said "Hey, doc! That's not a pen, it's a thermometer!"

He shouted "My God! Do you know what this means?"

"Dear God, what?"

"Some asshole's got my fountain pen!"

​

I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.

His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".

The Rules of Writing

1: Always avoid alliterations

2: A preposition is not something to end a sentence with

3) Be consistent

4: Don’t restate ideas

5: Don’t be redundant

6: And never start a sentence with a conjunction

One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside

In other words, the prose and cons of jail

Writing books is like prostitution!

First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.








Moliere

Why did the warden cancel the prison writing contest?

There were too many cons and not enough prose

One of the Monty Python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that’s spelled the same backwards as forwards...

It’s a Palin drone...

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

What did Beethoven say when he finished writing his 5th Symphony?

I'm done done done doooooone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other

Retards

/u/TheDarkKn1ght

(First post to this community, please be kind)

I'm writing a musical titled "Pun"

It's a play on words.

I'm writing a poem for my son.

What rhymes with "I couldn't be the only disappointment in your mother's life"?

Why are prisoners incarcerated for life really bad at writing?

They're doomed to never finish their sentences.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate, then burning them. But I was just wondering,

should I keep the letters?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cop writing a parking ticket

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me a...

There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

I’m writing a stand up routine about my favourite spice...

It’s a cinnamon shtick

Looking for a Writing Partner for a book.

"Facing Codependency Together"

One of Roald Dahl's characters gained weight and started writing rap music.

Notorious BFG.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, sex and mystery.

The winning story was: "Oh god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!".

Writing “Twosday” instead of “Tuesday” is word play

But writing “Twosday” twice is four play

Im writing this from the hospital. Don't worry the doctors say that im gonna be fine.

But i feel i should warn you that the "Dyson Ball Cleaner" has a very misleading name

An astronomer has realized an ancient society has been writing jokes all over Mars, Venus, and other celestial bodies...

The astronomer, getting a huge laugh out of them, decided to record them down. The astronomer kept looking into space, and he kept finding gems that he couldn't stop laughing at. One day, having recorded over 100 jokes, he decided to publish all of them in a book, because the jokes were so funny and...

Two men stood next to each other on the busy streets of NY with donation signs; one with a Cross, and one with Islamic symbols and writing

As the day passed, people walking by would donate to the Christian man and left the Muslim mans donation bucket empty. A muslim passerby found the men and realized that nobody was donating to the muslim. He went up to him and told the man carrying the sign to at least, not stand next to the christi...

I’m writing a musical about a meteorologist who wants to quit his job

It’s called Weather or Not.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A daughter is writing a report for school...

... and can't find her dictionary to look up a word. She turns to her mother and asks her, "How do you spell 'scrotum'?"

Her mother replied, "You should have asked me last night. It was on the tip of my tongue."

I’ve been writing a fantasy world.

At first I thought it’d have two nature deities: a tree-person for the land and a mermaid-like being for the ocean.

But then I thought that combining the two would be more “a fish-ent”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"...

and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

Whats a writing utensil's favorite place to go on a vacation?

Pencil-vania!

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

When it becomes available, please refrain from purchasing it.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand

But basic dialogue... is for prose.

Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...

But he does not want to hear my SOP story.

Some well-intended people like to use a lot of hyphens in their writing, but not me.

I prefer just a dash

I'm writing a book called "Stop Overreacting."

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

I got a paper cut writing my suicide note

I guess it's a start

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...

I'm writing a script for a show called "Pun".

Pretty much, it's going to be a big Play on words.

I'm trying a different writing process in which I write out a bunch of ideas in small rough drafts, then I choose to work further on the one I think works best.

My parents are going to be impressed when they see how creative and error free my suicide letter is.

Guy: I'm writing "Transformers": a crossover fanfic where Othello encounters Sauron...

Other guy: "why's it called "Transformers"?"

Guy: Moor then meets The Eye

I just got done writing a book!

I think I now have authoritis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

I started writing an abortion joke

But it never fully developed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"


Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

When you're writing a letter to Heaven about how shocked you are that there is a new elk deity

Dear God,

Dear God...

Deer God.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.

Someone told me that's called 'college'.

Q: Where does Dracula get his writing utensils?

A: Pennsylvania

xoxo

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whats the difference between sex and writing?

When having sex you need the rubber before you make the mistake

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m writing a masters thesis on the social hierarchies of Ancient Middle Eastern Kingdoms. It’s a pretty serious paper so I want to lend it some levity by adding a joke about eunuchs.

I’m just not sure if I’ve got the balls to do it.

I'm writing my book in fifth person.

Every sentence starts with: "I heard from this guy who told somebody.."

How do you identify a pregnant clause when editing writing?

It’s missing a period.

Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day.

He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing.

"Where's your appendix page?"

"Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

Who invented the machine for writing?

A chinese man by the name of Tai Ping.

No one really expected my world language teacher to be so good at writing with a felt pen...

No one expects the Spanish Ink -precision

Billy is writing a list of the hottest girls in his school.

His mom walks in and questions what he's writing.

"It's my to-do list," he explains.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Writing "no hookups" on Tinder is like

going to PornHub for the ads.

Why is Kevin Spacey so good at writing sad songs

Because he’s great at fingering minors

Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?

Because they can only use OneNote!

That's the problem with writing books about suicide techniques

... you only get negative reviews.

There's a strange new trend at work, people are writing names on the food in the company fridge

Today I had a chicken sandwich named Kevin

How did Christopher Marlowe keep his writing secret from the other prisoners when he went to jail?

He separated the prose from the cons.

I'm writing a movie, its about an hour

FADE IN:

INT. CLOCK FACE - DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
One Mississippi, two Mississippi....



I've only written the first two lines so far.

I just started a pirate themed band with my friends, but we're having trouble writing songs for it

All we seem to be able to write are the hooks

Is it a good idea for prisons to have story-writing classes?

Eh, there are prose and cons

Told my girlfriend that I've started writing a book about a serial killer that murders his lover.

She said, "That sounds exciting. I love thrillers."

I said, "It's not a thriller, it's an autobiography."

Why was the baseball player good at writing pop songs?

They were catchy.

A man writing in his diary:

I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.

I'm writing a TV show about a girl named Abigail who moves to the big city

It's called Downtown Abbie.

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