I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

Im just so overwhelmed with the difficulty of writing my own book

There are no words

What did they rename the Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil.

I guess it’s a blessing and a cursive

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

“Officer, why are you crying and writing me a ticket?”

Cop: Because....it’s a moving violation.

A conversation about Trump while writing Revelations

John: "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: "Yeah, trumpets."

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

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man writing to his insurance

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bric...

A teacher was getting fed up with one of her student’s bad hand writing-

She said “Your hand writing is absolute chicken scratch! I can barely read it. How are you going to get a job if your employer can’t read what you write?”

He said “Don’t worry, Miss. I’m going to be a doctor.”

A patriotic theater director for fired by their university after announcing they were writing a new show.

They probably shouldn’t have searched for “ProState Play” ideas on their work computer.

I started writing a book about punctuation,

but what's the point?

Did you hear about the mathematician who suffered muscle pain when writing out equations?

They had fibromyalgebra

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I'm writing my first novel

It's about a biker gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs. I'm going to call the book The Bikings.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

A rich man visits Karl Marx as he's writing the Communist manifesto.

He asks: "So what's in that book of yours, Mr. Marx?"

Marx replies: "None of your business."

The other day I told my mom I was writing an autobiography...

She said for dramatics I should kill off the main character, I don’t think she realized it was an autobiography...

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Inspired by a u/Goshfather writing prompts response

Kotopoulos and Alogos are sitting in a bar in ancient Thebes. Kotopoulos is speaking to his friend saying, “...So I’m looking both ways, and getting ready to cross the street, when all of a sudden—hey, Alogos! Why the long face? I’m tryina tell a story here!”

Suddenly the man sitting on the o...

Yesterday I was sentenced to death for writing so many click bait headlines

What happens next will shock you

I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

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Forget writing Santa asking for miracle...

...I'm writing Willy Wonka and asking for an Everlasting GOPstopper.

Why did the game designer get moved from the writing team to the development team?

Because they had poorgrammar skills.


Please clap

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

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I’m writing a script for a self aware porn parody

All of the humor is very tongue in buttcheek

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

President Trump wakes up one winter morning and looks out the Whitehouse window to see the words "Trump sucks!" Written in urine in the snow.

Outraged, he tasks the Secret Service to find out who is responsible.

Later that day the director of the Secret Service comes into the oval office and asks, "Sir, we have an answer. Do you want the bad news or the worse news?"

"Give me the bad news."

"We got the DNA test back o...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

Stephen kings writing style is...

Novel.

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

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I'm writing a book, but I think it's gay.

It's coming out soon.

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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate, then burn them

Ok, done with the writing and the burning. Wtf am I supposed to do with the bunch of letters, though?

A young man is writing his grandmother a letter

His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?

My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.

She can’t read very fast!

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

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