I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

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I'm writing a book, but I think it's gay.

It's coming out soon.

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

When writing, I try to use contractions as little as possible.

I find them reductive.

I'm writing a script about a guy who loses a year of his life every time he jacks off.

It's a coming of age story.

I'm writing a book on Impostor Syndrome!

Actually, wait a minute. Whatever made me think *I* was qualified to do that?

\*trudges off disconsolately\*

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

I thought of writing a letter to my Grandma to tell her that I’m quitting University to pursue a career in Magic

But and just couldn’t pick up the Penn and Teller.

I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1""

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

Why was the prison writing contest canceled?

The warden decided that there were too many cons and not enough prose

Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email?

Because they keep hitting the space bar.

Which writing style should come with a mouth censor?

Cursive writing

I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder

Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likable.

It was an autobiography...

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

I'm thinking about writing a book about light bulbs.

I think it's a pretty bright idea

I thought starting a creative writing group for felons would be a great idea.

Turns out it has its prose and cons.

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

I’m writing a screenplay about a group of criminals scheming to rob an allergy clinic.

I’m thinking of calling it “The Gesundheist”.

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I'm writing a book on the history of tampons,

My publisher wants technical writing but I'm thinking of doing a period piece.

Why don’t pirates like writing in cursive?

Because it’s scurvy

[OC] I am thinking of writing a book, where a rich cat owns a slave who freely makes honey for her, and the slave's tragic tale.

It is called 'The Great Cat's bee'.

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

Stop writing hateful things about Alabama and the abortion laws all over social media.

They likely can't read, we will need to tell them in person.

Why did the blood fail the writing test?

Too many type Os.

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

If bees start writing software

Beware

I finally finished writing my thesis on constipation.

It was a real struggle to get it out.

I was thinking of writing a time travel story about some who....

...travels into the future to read tomorrow's funniest joke then travels back two days to post it first!

Then I realised its not so much a story as a documentary.

I dropped the class on writing jokes after the lesson on setups

The professor was so old

The Rules of Writing

1: Always avoid alliterations

2: A preposition is not something to end a sentence with

3) Be consistent

4: Don’t restate ideas

5: Don’t be redundant

6: And never start a sentence with a conjunction

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So this couple had a huge fight and now they are so pissed they will only talk to each other by writing notes.

At one point. The man wrote a note to her wife: I have a very important appointment tommorow, wake me up at 7:30.

The wife reply by writing a note: ''Ok, fine!''

The following morning, the man wakes up, and watch his phone: 9:00!

He was super pissed. When he go up, he saw a note...

What do you call a person who dislikes writing utensils?

Erasist.

My brother is an archaeologist who studies ancient Norse writing.

His career is in runes.

I'm writing a horror movie script about a sentient pen and it's going really well so far

It's practically writing itself

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

I tried to teach a monkey new words by writing them on gigantic beach balls.

Sadly he just couldn't get a grip on them.

I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.

His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".

What do you call writing code for speakers?

Stereotyping!

(I laughed too hard when I thought of this, I’m so lame.)

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My doctor was having trouble writing notes in my chart.

He kept scribbling, frowning, shaking the pen.

I said "Hey, doc! That's not a pen, it's a thermometer!"

He shouted "My God! Do you know what this means?"

"Dear God, what?"

"Some asshole's got my fountain pen!"

They're writing a satirical play based on The Human Centipede.

It'll be very tongue in cheek.

I heard someone's writing a book about Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump colluding with the Russians.

It's called "The Tortoise and the Hair"

One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside

In other words, the prose and cons of jail

Writing books is like prostitution!

First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.








Moliere

I'm writing a poem for my son.

What rhymes with "I couldn't be the only disappointment in your mother's life"?

One of the Monty Python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that’s spelled the same backwards as forwards...

It’s a Palin drone...

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Cop writing a parking ticket

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me a...

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

I'm writing a musical titled "Pun"

It's a play on words.

What did Beethoven say when he finished writing his 5th Symphony?

I'm done done done doooooone.

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There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, sex and mystery.

The winning story was: "Oh god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!".

There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

Im writing this from the hospital. Don't worry the doctors say that im gonna be fine.

But i feel i should warn you that the "Dyson Ball Cleaner" has a very misleading name

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate, then burning them. But I was just wondering,

should I keep the letters?

Writing “Twosday” instead of “Tuesday” is word play

But writing “Twosday” twice is four play

One of Roald Dahl's characters gained weight and started writing rap music.

Notorious BFG.

My friend just finished writing a book called “how to make money.” But he needs money to publish it.

I told him to read the book.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

Why are prisoners incarcerated for life really bad at writing?

They're doomed to never finish their sentences.

Two men stood next to each other on the busy streets of NY with donation signs; one with a Cross, and one with Islamic symbols and writing

As the day passed, people walking by would donate to the Christian man and left the Muslim mans donation bucket empty. A muslim passerby found the men and realized that nobody was donating to the muslim. He went up to him and told the man carrying the sign to at least, not stand next to the christi...

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...

I’ve been writing a fantasy world.

At first I thought it’d have two nature deities: a tree-person for the land and a mermaid-like being for the ocean.

But then I thought that combining the two would be more “a fish-ent”.

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Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"...

and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

When it becomes available, please refrain from purchasing it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A daughter is writing a report for school...

... and can't find her dictionary to look up a word. She turns to her mother and asks her, "How do you spell 'scrotum'?"

Her mother replied, "You should have asked me last night. It was on the tip of my tongue."

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My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

Guy: I'm writing "Transformers": a crossover fanfic where Othello encounters Sauron...

Other guy: "why's it called "Transformers"?"

Guy: Moor then meets The Eye

I’m writing a musical about a meteorologist who wants to quit his job

It’s called Weather or Not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

Whats a writing utensil's favorite place to go on a vacation?

Pencil-vania!

In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand

But basic dialogue... is for prose.

Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...

But he does not want to hear my SOP story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

I got a paper cut writing my suicide note

I guess it's a start

I'm writing a script for a show called "Pun".

Pretty much, it's going to be a big Play on words.

I was writing an essay about thunderstorms in my English class and I couldn't quite come up with a perfect thesis!

Then it struck me.

Some well-intended people like to use a lot of hyphens in their writing, but not me.

I prefer just a dash

I'm trying a different writing process in which I write out a bunch of ideas in small rough drafts, then I choose to work further on the one I think works best.

My parents are going to be impressed when they see how creative and error free my suicide letter is.

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I’m writing a masters thesis on the social hierarchies of Ancient Middle Eastern Kingdoms. It’s a pretty serious paper so I want to lend it some levity by adding a joke about eunuchs.

I’m just not sure if I’ve got the balls to do it.

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My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"


Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

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Whats the difference between sex and writing?

When having sex you need the rubber before you make the mistake

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.

Someone told me that's called 'college'.

Q: Where does Dracula get his writing utensils?

A: Pennsylvania

xoxo

Im writing a stage show based on the movie Twister

Ive gotten as far as the first draft

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

When you're writing a letter to Heaven about how shocked you are that there is a new elk deity

Dear God,

Dear God...

Deer God.

Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?

Because they can only use OneNote!

Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day.

He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing.

"Where's your appendix page?"

"Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.

I'm writing my book in fifth person.

Every sentence starts with: "I heard from this guy who told somebody.."

How do you identify a pregnant clause when editing writing?

It’s missing a period.

Why is Kevin Spacey so good at writing sad songs

Because he’s great at fingering minors

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