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Writing Jokes

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
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Farmers writing romance novels...

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through her.



I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.
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I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.
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My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...
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I'm writing a book on how tornados and hurricanes develop....

At the moment it's just a draft.
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A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...
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A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment
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The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime...
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My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...
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Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...
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I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.
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First attempt at writing a joke!

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors...
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Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
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A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...
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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The...
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I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't read it.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

I’m currently writing this from the hospital.

But don’t worry! Doctors said I should be fine. However, I feel I should warn you that “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading name.
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My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
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What do you call a writing club in prison?

Prose and Cons
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I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.
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I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra.

Calling it "Die Hard".

Yesterday I was sentenced to death for writing so many click bait headlines

What happens next will shock you
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Writing a funny joke is like playing a game of darts.

Sometimes you hit. Sometimes you miss, and sometimes you get sent to jail for manslaughter.
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I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome, but I managed to finish it.

I probably should have taken some advice from friends and family which would have made this process much easier and write it on paper.
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A man is approached by someone writing a petition.

The guy with the petition asks, "would you like to sign this petition about child labor?"

The man responds, "well, of course!"

After he signs it with the pen he was given, the guy with the petition asks, "would you like to sign it again with a fake name?"

The man agrees to this ...
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Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!

Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.
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A journalist is tasked with writing a human interest piece on the Western Wall in Jerusalem.

He decides he will take a month and observe those who come to pray. After a few days he notices one elderly man who arrives at the same time each day. The old man struggles to kneel before the wall, prays for ten minutes, struggles to stand, and then leaves.

The next day, the journalist appr...
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Writing my own thesaurus.

Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible.
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I’m writing a book

On how to increase the military population in our armed forces.

So far, all I’ve got is the draft.
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I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.
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A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...
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I'm writing a theatre script on the history of puns

It's going to be a play on words
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What should you do when writing a research paper about whales?

Include a cetacean
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We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing
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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

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I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...
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A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.

I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."
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What do you call an impatient man from Bangkok who moved to the capital city of the Republic of China for a writing job, got kidnapped, covered in multicolored paint and restrained with rope?

A tied-up, tye-dyed, Type-A, Taipei-Thai typist.
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Struggling with sharp angles when writing the letter V?

Sounds like a U problem
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Mark Zuckerberg writes poetry about writing poetry

He calls it Meta verse.
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My neighbour just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book
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A friend of mine was telling me about the time his wife tried to leave him by writing a breakup letter after he came home late again.

She left a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me."

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, my buddy comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him wa...
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There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

I’m applying for a job writing clues for Wordle.

They are asking for five letters of reference.
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A journalist is writing an article about the trend for Scottish men to wear tights under their kilts

She walks up to an old man on the streets of Glasgow and asks 'excuse me, do you ever wear a kilt?'

'Aye, about once a week or so you'll catch me in a kilt.'

'Well when you wear a kilt, do you wear tights underneath?'

'Aye, every time I've worn a kilt for the past three years I ...
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Reading The Writing On The Wall...

I used to spend long hours working on my "rubbing-up-against-strangers-in-public" technique...

...until I got my *new* pair of glasses and re-read that motivational poster on the break-room wall.

So, my bad... it turns out it does *not* say : "Practice Makes Pervert"
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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...
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A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper

Guy: what's up?

Roommate: Im legally changing my name to Dragon Ball Z.

Guy: wait, what, can you even do that?

Roommate: yea, it's a lot of paperwork tho.
This isn't even my final form.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m writing a book on losing your virginity

It’s important to put it in the first person

Why did the Mexican fail his writing class?

Because he refused to turn in his essay!
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Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."
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I am writing a thesis on how plants create oxygen.

There is only text and no photos-ynthesis.
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Don't start writing on an empty stomach

use paper!
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I'm writing a movie about Pinocchio joining the mob

Woodfellas
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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...
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I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.
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While practicing writing with my kids, we wanted to write the word FUNGUS, but ended up writing FUNGI instead...

There wasn't Mushroom on the page.
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KITT from Knight Rider is writing a biography

It's an autobiography.
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I’m writing a book where I document and rate all my poops

It’s called my log log

Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?

Because they can only use OneNote!
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Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

I’m writing a fantasy novel about two knights who fall into the rogue and Paladin archetypes. I’m calling it…

Silent Knight, Holy Knight
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I started writing a book about apathy once …

I couldn’t be bothered finishing it!
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What type of writing makes the most money?

Ransom notes.
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