A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.

I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.

I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Yesterday I was sentenced to death for writing so many click bait headlines

What happens next will shock you

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler's parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea' dance.

It's called 'Back to the Fuhrer’

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate, then burn them

Ok, done with the writing and the burning. Wtf am I supposed to do with the bunch of letters, though?

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

Teacher: which is the best hand to use when writing something, left hand or right hand?

Pupil: None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.

I was writing an exam. The invigilator came beside me. He was surprised to see my answer sheet blank.

Invigilator:Why is your answer sheet blank?

Me:Sometimes silence is the best answer.

A young man is writing his grandmother a letter

His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?

My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.

She can’t read very fast!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm writing a book, but I think it's gay.

It's coming out soon.

My last girlfriend became a cop and ended up pulling me over and writing me a ticket. She asked why I seemed so happy about it.

I told her I was just ex-cited.

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

My good freind Jake is writing my biography

I told him he should kill off the main character

Why was the prison writing contest canceled?

The warden decided that there were too many cons and not enough prose

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email?

Because they keep hitting the space bar.

I'm writing a script about a guy who loses a year of his life every time he jacks off.

It's a coming of age story.

The screenwriters for UP were flying to get a view of what it would be like for the characters on screen. They had a fair idea, and they stopped writing. As soon as they did, the wind took them off course and higher than ever.

They got caught in an UP draft.

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

I'm writing a book on Impostor Syndrome!

Actually, wait a minute. Whatever made me think *I* was qualified to do that?

\*trudges off disconsolately\*

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

I thought of writing a letter to my Grandma to tell her that I’m quitting University to pursue a career in Magic

But and just couldn’t pick up the Penn and Teller.

I'm thinking about writing a book about light bulbs.

I think it's a pretty bright idea

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1""

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

Which writing style should come with a mouth censor?

Cursive writing

I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder

Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers

Why don’t pirates like writing in cursive?

Because it’s scurvy

I thought starting a creative writing group for felons would be a great idea.

Turns out it has its prose and cons.

I’m writing a screenplay about a group of criminals scheming to rob an allergy clinic.

I’m thinking of calling it “The Gesundheist”.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

[OC] I am thinking of writing a book, where a rich cat owns a slave who freely makes honey for her, and the slave's tragic tale.

It is called 'The Great Cat's bee'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography…

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

Stop writing hateful things about Alabama and the abortion laws all over social media.

They likely can't read, we will need to tell them in person.

Why did the blood fail the writing test?

Too many type Os.

If bees start writing software

Beware

I finally finished writing my thesis on constipation.

It was a real struggle to get it out.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

The Rules of Writing

1: Always avoid alliterations

2: A preposition is not something to end a sentence with

3) Be consistent

4: Don’t restate ideas

5: Don’t be redundant

6: And never start a sentence with a conjunction

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