The 63+ Best Writing Jokes

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

I'm writing a book on how tornados and hurricanes develop....

At the moment it's just a draft.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The...

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...

I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime...

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My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

A friend of mine was telling me about the time his wife tried to leave him by writing a breakup letter after he came home late again.

She left a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me."

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, my buddy comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him wa...

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

I’m currently writing this from the hospital.

But don’t worry! Doctors said I should be fine. However, I feel I should warn you that “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading name.

A journalist is tasked with writing a human interest piece on the Western Wall in Jerusalem.

He decides he will take a month and observe those who come to pray. After a few days he notices one elderly man who arrives at the same time each day. The old man struggles to kneel before the wall, prays for ten minutes, struggles to stand, and then leaves.

The next day, the journalist appr...

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!

Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

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I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

First attempt at writing a joke!

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors...

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

I can't read a fucking word now.

A journalist is writing an article about the trend for Scottish men to wear tights under their kilts

She walks up to an old man on the streets of Glasgow and asks 'excuse me, do you ever wear a kilt?'

'Aye, about once a week or so you'll catch me in a kilt.'

'Well when you wear a kilt, do you wear tights underneath?'

'Aye, every time I've worn a kilt for the past three years I ...

I also remember my grandfather's last words. He was very weak, bedridden in hospital, and had lost the power of speech. He had signalled for me to give him paper and a pencil. He died right after writing it.

It said,

*"You are standing on my breathing tube"*

My neighbour just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book

I’m writing a book

On how to increase the military population in our armed forces.

So far, all I’ve got is the draft.

A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.

I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."

I’m writing a Goonies fan fiction…

I’m calling it [AU] Guys

Writing my own thesaurus.

Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible.

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper

Guy: what's up?

Roommate: Im legally changing my name to Dragon Ball Z.

Guy: wait, what, can you even do that?

Roommate: yea, it's a lot of paperwork tho.
This isn't even my final form.

Struggling with sharp angles when writing the letter V?

Sounds like a U problem

I’m writing a fantasy novel about two knights who fall into the rogue and Paladin archetypes. I’m calling it…

Silent Knight, Holy Knight

I’m applying for a job writing clues for Wordle.

They are asking for five letters of reference.

" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"

\-- Modest Mussorgsky

My friend has this weird habit of walking into a party and writing his name on the wall with a marker.

That’s ….his signature move.

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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.

Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."

Reading The Writing On The Wall...

I used to spend long hours working on my "rubbing-up-against-strangers-in-public" technique...

...until I got my *new* pair of glasses and re-read that motivational poster on the break-room wall.

So, my bad... it turns out it does *not* say : "Practice Makes Pervert"

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

I am writing a thesis on how plants create oxygen.

There is only text and no photos-ynthesis.

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I’m writing a book where I document and rate all my poops

It’s called my log log

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I’m writing a book on losing your virginity

It’s important to put it in the first person

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My therapist told me to let go of my anger by writing letters to people I detest and then burning them ....

.. Now I'm not sure what to do with the letters.

Mark Zuckerberg writes poetry about writing poetry

He calls it Meta verse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.

Howdy ne...

I'm writing a movie about Pinocchio joining the mob

Woodfellas

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

Gonna be getting on the trend of binary puns and going to be writing 10000000 binary puns.

Update: Sometimes I byte off more than I can chew.

Why did the Mexican fail his writing class?

Because he refused to turn in his essay!

Bach, the great composer, was having a difficult time writing new music.

With 20 kids in the house, it was hard for him to find quiet time to work.

So he decided to find a quiet place outdoors, and found a small shed in the woods. Unfortunately, it was so far from his home, that by the time he got there and started writing, it was time to go back home for lunch. ...

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

Don't start writing on an empty stomach

use paper!

My friend struggles a lot with always writing his n's upside-down.

I told him "That sounds like a u problem."

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“

“It was 1959“, says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at h...

What do you call a long piece of writing about America?

A U essay

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