UPJOKE
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Why does the Earth need a tutor?

Because it has seven “C”s.

This is an actual medieval joke from 14th century Florence:

A Florentine had in his home a young man who instructed his children in the elements of knowledge. After a long stay, the young tutor felt himself so much at home that he had in turn the housemaid, the nurse, and finally the mistress herself.

When the master of the house, who was a jovial fel...

Snow White started a tutoring center for the Dwarves to teach them math.

She called it "Making the Little Things Count"

My violin tutor told me my fingering was good but my positions could be better.

And then we started the lesson.

Circus adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nurse...

If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read this

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two m...

A Tutor Who Tooted

A tutor who tooted the flute 

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot 

Said the two to the tutor 

“Is it tougher to toot 

Or to tutor two tooters to toot?”

Did you hear about the cyclopic tutor?

He had only one eye, but two pupils!

My maths tutor told me to get to his house at ten past one.

So I turned up at eleven but the place was empty.

What do you call a tutor that sleeps with their students?

A prostitutor

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

Dad interviews lady for the job of a home tutor

Dad: So why are you fit to teach my kid?

Lady: I'm hard, but still tend to be effective.

*Dad trying to stifle his laughter*

Dad: Hi hard!

Lady: Thanks, when do I start?

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

If someone who does not fart in public is called a private tutor, then what do you call someone that farts in public?

Eric Swalwell.

Why couldn’t the teacher fart In front of her class?

Because she was a private tutor

A boy was failing math

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after schoo...

Which people in school fart the most?

The tutors.

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

A math tutor agrees to help a hot student with her homework.

His friends upon hearing this ask him if he made it to 3rd base with her. The math tutor replies "no. I made it to base 10."

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

A man's mother was having back problems.

He took her to the doctor, who upon inspection told her that she just needed to get some regular stretching done, and prescribed a private yoga tutor. The mother was very much against this idea at first, and the son was skeptical as well, but after some convincing by the doctor, they agreed to give ...

What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor (tooter)


Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.

Observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into hi...

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I'm Still A Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced eight husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married eight times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kep...

Basic math

A Jewish boy was failing math,

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed hi...

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

I've known Paul for years

He's always been such a nice guy. In middle school, our teachers would always ask if he finished his homework. Paul would hold up his homework and say yes. During lunch, kids would always ask if they could sit with him, and Paul would say yes. A kid would ask if he's trade his pudding cup for an app...

What do you call a person who only farts when he's alone?

A prive tutor!





I'll get the door on my way out

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family.

One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple

A couple always says "doing homework" when they want to have some sex.

One day, the wife texted her husband, "Do you want to do some homework with me? "

The husband texted back, "No, I have some extra work to do. "

The next day, he felt guilty for his rudeness, so he texted his ...

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

You get somebody who stays up all night tutoring himself mentally over the question of whether or not there is a dog.

Little Jewish boy that can't understand math

Two Jewish parents are very concerned that their little boy is failing at mathematics. They exhaust every method of tutoring and schooling, until they reach their last resort.... Catholic School.

The very next day little Elisha comes home from school, runs to his room, and began studying. To ...

A Jewish couple are having trouble teaching their son math.

They try several schools and tutors, and his math scores remain abysmal. Eventually, there's only one school left in town. It's a Catholic school, and the Jewish parents are uneasy about sending their son. But, after looking at the school's amazing academic records, they decide it would be selfish t...

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A little boy was doing terribly in school.

The boy had done poorly in school his whole life and nothing seemed to work. He went from school to school and tutor to tutor but no one could work with him. He wasn't getting in to trouble or doing drugs he just wasn't to smart and couldn't find the motivation to get himself to work.

After...

A British couple wanted to learn how to speak German

They went to a tutor. Tutor asked them why they wanted to learn German. They replied, "We have adopted a German baby. We want to learn German before it starts to speak".

Scientists use both positive and negative conditioning to teach cats to speak.

In a group of cats, a tutor would reward an individual cat who said "me" with the best food at feeding time. In another experiment, a researcher would apply mild electric shocks to the subject cat until it said "ow".

The lead scientist said they've had some success, however they weren't sure...

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I was failing Sex-Ed class

So I hired a tutor!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jewish Kid who is Bad at Math

There is a Jewish family with a son who is horrible at math. They've tried everything they could think of to get his scores up. Tutoring, different schools, nothing has worked. Finally they hear from some friends at Synagogue that they had the same issue with their son, and sending him to catholi...

Little Zachary was doing terribly at mathematics. He constantly scored F's, and his teachers said that he was dragging far behind his classmates.

His parents tried everything they could to help him improve. Flash cards, tutors, books, nothing seemed to work. Finally, after getting some advice from the counselor, they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

Little Zachary didn't seem to mind. So the next week, he started going to th...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.

Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic Scho...

The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School

A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. ...

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