Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

(From my wife) - “What do you call someone who has spent a lifetime braiding hair?”

Master-braider

:-)

Master Yoda, are we on the right path?

Of course we are!

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, the other to not change the bulb.

How to master Australian accent in seconds

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud. *You just said razor blades in Australian accent.*

Don't stop there.

Say "Beer Can" with an English accent. *You just said Bacon in Jamaican accent.*

Mastered.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a guy who's good at fishing

A masterbaiter

Small fishing town

There is a small town by the side of a lake where fishing is allowed and quite popular. There is a shop that sells fishing supplies. Differently skilled people use different quality baits. For example: a novice would use novice bait, a mediocre fisher would use mediocre bait, a good fisher would use...

Why was the origami master so bad at poker?

Because they folded every hand.

My friend said: “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”

It was a third degree burn.

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

Why is a Jewish Jedi Master always an only child?

Because he has no Force-kin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw?

I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with chronic diarrhea and a Boy Scout master had an agreement.

I shit you knot.

Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

If someone is forced to get a masters in debate...

They have to Degree to Disagree

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

They call me Love Master

Because I suck at tennis.

A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”

“Yes”, replied the master, “as long as you don't create any attachments.”

So the other day in the lobby I hear two chess masters bragging about their past wins

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

So I bought Master of Puppets today

I noticed there was a song missing. When I asked the store clerk later about it, he said "Battery not included".

A journalist asked the master programmer how he code so fast?

"No comments."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

What's the best gift for a zen master?

A house, because they like to live in the present.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."

​

The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:

​

"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do n...

For his 70th birthday, one of his students gave the zen master a big box with a ribbon around it.

When the master opened the box, he found that there was nothing inside.

"Aha," he exclaimed, "just what I wanted!"

My friend Nick is known as the grill master amongst us, but his ground burgers are undeniably the best.

He's got a real Nick knack patty whack!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During meditation, a monk asks his master… “Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”

His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

They say it takes 10,000 hours to truly master anything*

*Getting 8 hours of sleep not included

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his master:

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mig...

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

A confused chinese student asks his master: "Master Shi, why do all chinese look the same?"

Then the Master replyed: "I am not master Shi."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Master and his Apprentice

So, The Apprentice thinks he's ***better*** than His Master.

And he challenges This Master to a contest.

A ***painting*** contest. Paint the better painting.

They take a whole ***year*** to finish them.

And then they both show up in front of An Audience.

They’re ou...

Master/slave terminology was recently removed from the python programming language so as not to offend anyone.

Looks like PC’s finally won.

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"

I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

A Karate master teaches his students how to break a piece of wood

He points his finger to the center of the board and tells his students, "This is the punch line"

Not only am I the master of suspense...

...I’m also the master of disappointing endings.

The master of puns

All my life, I had loved puns. There was next to no situation that couldn't do with a good puns. My friends had a love/hate relationship with me sometimes, because I cranked them out, one after another.

Eventually, sick of them, but also slightly amused, one close friend suggest I enter compe...

Show me the way of sword fencing!

Hi, I am from the sword fencing team! Everyone told me to come here because you guys are the masters of riposting.

Did you hear about the supremely proper way the Englishman greeted the master fisherman from Jaws?

It was ‘ello, Quint!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?

He was jack off all trades.

What is the Master Chief's favorite band?

Slayer.

A zen master visits New York City.

He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." 
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. 
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master. 
The vendor...

What's the difference between an open box of stinky cheese and a Kung Fu master?

One is loose brie and the other is Bruce Lee

A master tactician

I have information I want everyone to know.

So I've decided to tell it to my wife and ask her to keep it to herself

Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it

What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!

Where do cows go on Friday ni...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m writing a masters thesis on the social hierarchies of Ancient Middle Eastern Kingdoms. It’s a pretty serious paper so I want to lend it some levity by adding a joke about eunuchs.

I’m just not sure if I’ve got the balls to do it.

What program do Jedi masters use to open pdf files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

I met a girl today and told her that I'm a Master of Arts.

She said she had smelled it already.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Alien master-bating in my kitchen

So I walk into my kitchen the other day to find an alien master-bating into a can of vegetables.

I shouted "What in the FUCK are you doing?!"

He turned his head calmly and said "It's all good, I come in peas."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Master Key Vs A Broken Lock

A girl once asked, “Why can guys sleep with thousands of women, they are a legend, but when a girl sleeps with 3 guys she is a whore?” I said, “When a key can open any lock, it’s called a master key. When a lock is opened by any key, it’s called a broken lock.”

Apparently, you can master anything if you read it over and over and over again.

Is that why reddit has so many experts?

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Walking a trail, I hear the tell-tale sound of a rattlesnake, and stand stiff as I stare it down and remember the words of my old scout master, "Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it."

Considering only one of us pissed themselves, I'd say he's wrong.

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks to the Masters?

Just in case he got a hole in one

They say it takes 10,000 hours to master something.

If that's true I must be a expert at Abstinence. After all, I've been practicing it for over 160,000 hours and counting.

I am a master at forgery

I have all the certificates to prove it

A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.

He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.

He called forth his fina...

Did you hear about the guy who claims to be martial arts master Bruce’s son

AllegedLee

If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled...

Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?

A young couple's house gets burgled, so they decide to get a guard dog...

The wife goes to a pet shop and tells the owner "I'd like to see the toughest guard dog you've got!"

The owner answers "I've got just the dog for you!". He presents to her to a tiny chihuahua called Roxy.

"Sure he's cute, but can he really guard a home?" she asks skeptically.

"L...

An old Jedi master named Ben stole Luke Skywalker’s last pastry.

Angrily, Luke shouted after him as he ran away, “Hey, you Owe Me One Canoli!”

A grill master wanted to load up the grill with more BBQ, but he was running low on hot coals ...

So, he decided not to brisket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An apprentice asked his master:

"If I shave my ass, does that make me gay?"

Master replies: "Man who cleans house is expecting guests."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the Navy.

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his firs...

What's a BBQ pit master's least favorite massage?

A dry rub.

Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on....

Genie quits working after a severe disagreement with master.

He rubbed her the wrong way.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad: You know son, if you keep masterbating, you're going to go blind

Me: Dad, I'm over here

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

A Zen Master...

Walks up to a hotdog stand and says,

"Make me one with everything."

-That's the best I've got

How does Kylo Ren's master escape?

With a Snoke Screen.