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Master Jokes

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

If dogs have masters, what do cats have?

Staff.

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

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The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”...

What did master yoda say when he saw himself on a 4k tv?

HDMI

Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"

I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

Anakin Skywalker walks into a Taco Bell, and is shocked to find his master Yoda behind the counter

He asks what the Jedi master is doing there, to which he replies "Pay well, Jedi council does not. Work two jobs, I must." Fair enough, thinks Anakin. He orders his food, and reaches into his pocket to pay, when Yoda asks, "A beverage, would you like with that?" "Ok," says Anakin, "what do you recom...

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An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

A confused chinese student asks his master: "Master Shi, why do all chinese look the same?"

Then the Master replyed: "I am not master Shi."

Steven Seagal is a 7th degree master of Kukido.

Kukido is the martial art that enables you to fight an opponent, while discreetly checking his pockets for cookie dough. KUKIDO!

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

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Luke's Stories of Love & the Little Green Master

So Luke is telling Yoda about this hot alien female from Coruscant on whom he performed oral sex. After listening to his escapades, Yoda only had one word in response.


"Attenuate"

The only way to become a pun master

Is to decapitate a pun master. It's the only way to get a head in the pun industry.

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During meditation, a monk asks his master...

"Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?"

His master thought for a moment and replied:

"A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor."

A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”

“Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”

the wise masters wisdom

As a young adventurer I visited the Himalayas and I heard of a long and beautiful hike at the end of which I could meet a wise master. The journey was as rewarding as it was a challenge, and at the end I found a little old man with a long beard and a handmade cane in a cave. I waved to him, and he b...

Why did the Republic grow distrustful of Master Yoda’s position as Grand Master?

Because he turned out to be a puppet

I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

"Master Yoda, are we on the right track?"

"Off course, we are.."

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

I have a Masters Degree in Procrastination

I just haven't picked it up yet.

Why do chess masters never get STDs?

Because they always check, mate.

I am a master of forgery.

I have all the certificates to prove it.

Master debaters only want one thing

and it is discussing.

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

I'm a Pro and Master.

Of Crastination and Bation, respectively.

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

The master and the butler.

Master: go outside and see if it's cloudy.
Butler after going outside and coming back:I couldn't know if it's cloudy because the rain obscured my vision.

The Master Chef

A master chef brags to another man that he has at long last created the perfect dish. A dish so delicious that no man alive could resist it culinary divinity.

The man asks how such a dish is possible.

The chef responds that the secret is his artfully crafted blend of herbs and spices t...

I had dinner with a chess master

IT TOOK HIM FOUR HOURS TO PASS THE FRICKING SALT

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A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."



The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:



"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. C...

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

In the vicinity and unnoticed by the young master is his fiercest rival.

As the young master turns his back, the rival makes a silent attempt on his life.

The butler, always prepared to defend his charge, rushes ...

What did Master Yoda attribute to keeping his sanity during all those years of solitude?

He said whatever you can do to pass the time anything to make the day-go-ba

One day, I was speaking with a martial arts master.

I asked, "Is it true that you once defeated one hundred men in only a few seconds using the Way of the Fist?"

He replied, "Nay, Palm."

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

What do u call an annoying zen master from Hungary?

Buddhapest

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Where do dungeon masters keep their slaves

In debasement.

What does a karate master keep in his pants?

Gi’s nuts.

Why did the chess master throw up on the boat?

He got c6.

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters.....

But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn.

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An apprentice asks his master

Master, is sex with your wife work or leisure?

Boy, you really ask stupid questions. It's a pleasure of course!

I figured that much, if it was work I would've been the one who has to do it.

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

Heinrich, Beethoven's manservant, one day said to him "Master, where do you get your inspiration from?"

"Why, from you of course, Heinrich!" Beethoven replied.

"From me?" retorted Heinrich. "A genius like you, inspired by a clod like me? Oh, that's funny...

"Hah-hah-hah-*haahh*! Hah-hah-hah-*haahh*!"

What is the best name for a female master thief?

Miss Take

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Mastering the art of building the perfect model railway, can be quite tough...

But, with a little train in. You'll soon have the perfect set up

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A dog is on safari in the jungle with his master...

And he gets separated while chasing butterflies. Pretty soon the dog looks around and realizes he's lost. He wanders into a clearing and on the other side he sees a jaguar.

The jaguar has never seen a dog before and hesitates, wondering "what kind of animal is that?" but the dog thinks "O...

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An apprentice asked his master:

"If I shave my ass, does that make me gay?"

Master replies: "Man who cleans house is expecting guests."

My kid's doing his masters' thesis on ancient Egypt plumbing design

He's a Pharaoh faucet major

Master hacker sees some graffiti that says "x&1".

He says "Well thats odd."

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

The master of puns

All my life, I had loved puns. There was next to no situation that couldn't do with a good puns. My friends had a love/hate relationship with me sometimes, because I cranked them out, one after another.

Eventually, sick of them, but also slightly amused, one close friend suggest I enter compe...

You may be a master debater...

But I'm a cunning linguist.

Why was Anakin's master weak?

He was Only One Kenobi.

A Zen Master...

Walks up to a hotdog stand and says,

"Make me one with everything."

-That's the best I've got

Not only am I the master of suspense...

...I’m also the master of disappointing endings.

How do you make a kungfu master into a network administrator?

Name him IP Man.

Did you know the inventor of Reese's Pieces has a master's in biology specializing in monkeys?

He did a Rhesus thesis.

Tiger Woods won't be able to play the Masters this year.

Having difficulties with his driving.


Too soon?

What kind of car does Master Yoda drive?

A Volkswagen Jedi.

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A drug addict stumbles upon a magic lamp

A drug addict stumbles upon a shiny lamp. As soon as he picked it up, ... pufff... a Genie appeared from the smokes.

"I shall grant you **three wishes**!", the genie said.

The drug addict, without hesitation: "Let's do a line of cocaine for both of us"

Poof... A line of cocaine ...

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.

The master plan the terrorists had drafted for Jan 6th

Here's the plan the terrorists came up with that seemed to have worked so brilliantly for everything else they had seen in the internet:

1. Storm the Capitol

2. ???

3. Profit

My dad is a master at procrastination

He never even finished that...

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Master Akira

A confused japanese student asks his master:
- Master Akira, why does all japanese people look alike?
And his master answered :
- I am not Master Akira.

During lock-down I have mastered jigsaw puzzles.

I have just completed my first one in just over 10 and a half weeks.

I feel so proud of myself, on the box it says 5 to 6 years.

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant ran a personnel shop staffed by three lower ranking sergeants.

Every day at 3:00, the Chief would grab his hat, tell his staff that he was going to a meeting, and leave. After several weeks of this, one of the sergeants figured it was safe to leave work early - they'd never get caught because the Chief never returned. At 3:15 he told his coworkers, "Let's go...

A scout master and a Boy Scout are walking in to the woods

The sun is setting and the Boy Scout looks up and says, “it’s starting to get dark, I’m scared.” The scout master responds “you think you’re scared? I have to walk out of here alone”

They call me Love Master

Because I suck at tennis.

What did the karate master ask for when he was thirsty?

Waaataaaaaaaa!

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor

At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

How to master Australian accent in seconds

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud. *You just said razor blades in Australian accent.*

Don't stop there.

Say "Beer Can" with an English accent. *You just said Bacon in Jamaican accent.*

Mastered.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

A Maid Knocks On Her Master's Door

A Maid Knocks On Her Master's Door

Her master is busy talking on the phone

She asks, "Sir would you like some juice?"

He Replies "Give Me A Minute Maid"

If you are a really excellent fisherman and you do it all the time they call you a master fisherman…

But, what if you are only really good at baiting the hook?

A master tactician

I have information I want everyone to know.

So I've decided to tell it to my wife and ask her to keep it to herself

Sonyu, the famous monk, asked his wise master why he had a reddit account.

The wise master replied :

The joke, Sonyu.

Who is the master of corn religion ?

The pope corn

Why was the origami master terrible at poker?

He always folded.

The Chess Grand Master was embarrassed when they found out he used to play a much simpler game…

…that’s right, he had a “checkered past.”

What is a slave master's favorite dessert?

Whipped cream.

Why did the karate master rob the shoe store?

Just for kicks

The ninja turtles and master splinter were found dead in their lair...

The police ruled the deaths as sewer-cides.

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

No one in Billy's math class thought he would master proofs

He proved them wrong

"I am a master at fast calculation"

"Calculate 753 time 165 divided by 21."

"18"

LOL, "thats incorrect"

"Might be, but it was fast."

Why was master Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 9 7 8.

A journalist asked the master programmer how he code so fast?

"No comments."

I think my spy master has a second job as a pilot

He says he's a master of de skies

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.

He went through the standard
training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to
take his first jump from an airplane. The next
day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"We...

So I bought Master of Puppets today

I noticed there was a song missing. When I asked the store clerk later about it, he said "Battery not included".

What is the Master Chief's favorite band?

Slayer.

I've mastered a way to pick up dates at the supermarket

It's super simple, just head down over to the dried fruits isle

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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Alien master-bating in my kitchen

So I walk into my kitchen the other day to find an alien master-bating into a can of vegetables.

I shouted "What in the FUCK are you doing?!"

He turned his head calmly and said "It's all good, I come in peas."

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What do you call a Japanese coffee master

senseo

I didn’t like Obi-Wan’s Jedi master...

But I’ve decided to let Qui-Gons be Qui-Gons.

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A new harbour master...

A new harbour master decided to send a toll man to a Russian ship and he told him "Be sure to be thorough they usually hide a lot of vodka"

Amazingly the toll man didn't find anything. But 5 days later the ship still hadn't moved so he called the captain to see what the problem was.

"W...

a sheriff was abducted by a gang of outlaws

They tightened him up in a tent and let his horse free

Later that evening the horse entered the tent when no one was watching, the sheriff whispered something in its ear

Later that night the horse came back with a young lady on its back, she spent the night with the sheriff and left b...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

What's the best gift for a zen master?

A house, because they like to live in the present.

“I am a master of fast calculations.”

“I am a master of fast calculations.”
-
“OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?”
-
“22!”
-
“Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
-
“Might be, but it was fast!”

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