Author Jokes

Here's a list of his books:

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ... read more

JK. Rolling

He orders everyone a round.

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.

Paige Turner

It was written by a holy-ghostwriter

Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.

what dogs are to lamp-posts.

Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. I my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the knew anything at all about what was in store for them.

'Good aftern... read more

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This... read more

Chitty! Chitty! Bang! Bang!

JK, Rollin'

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

I'm now writing a book " how to be a billionaire"

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,... read more

But I've come to regret it, now I'm constantly in a writers block.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

Basically I need a sub-scriber

HG Wells.

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

Someone who perpetually thickens the plot.

Walking.


J.k. Rowling



Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.

…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they’ll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an app... read more

It is better to have Loved & Lost, than to have Never, Loved, et al.

Current leads suggest that the bears’ location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou... read more

Authorities suspect fowl play.

For someone so famous, nobody seems to keep Warren Piece in stock.

Dusty F Key

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were... read more

He opens the door and there is a little man there in a blue uniform with a peaked cap. "Evening!" he says, "...or whatever time it is up here. Hopkins, Civil Aviation Authority. It's time for your checkride".

Santa begs his pardon politely and Hopkins digs through the satchel he is carrying a... read more

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Because he thought it would help her build character.

The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."

(Not my joke, it's a classic)

A russian man places a call to the local authorities.

He says, "Comrade Commissar, I want to report that my parrot has escaped."

Annoyed, the Commissar replies, "Comrade, we have much more important things to do than trying to find your parrot." ... read more

I read some words from an anonomous author on the internet about 20 years ago. No context, just a single line that has haunted me ever since.

>!Nobody likes ketchup precum.!<

That's my gift to you. My guard is soon over. May these words forever live in your memory until you one d... read more

It’s called Prose and Cons

The Pulp.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."... read more

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

He received a short sentence.

He completed all his sentences.

By Ilene Dover

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

* in interview with author of the horror story " IT" *

The Author:"to get into the mindset of PennyWise,the dimensional alien monster, i actually lived underground with a group of school children and survived by becoming a cannibal"

the Interviewer:"Wtf, you are joking right?"
... read more

He calls out in the yard but no one comes so decides to carry on with his inspection. He arrives at the first gate and is about to open it when he hears a shout from the other side of the field.

“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!!!”

He looks over and sees the farmer on an opposite gate so he s... read more

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

That space of waste is a waste of space.

They’re aiming for Kabum

Shake-spear

If you break it down per joke, I only paid for the author’s 6 cents of humor.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av... read more

It was Wei Tu Long.

He writes everything in shorthand now

She keeps saying that the government is plotting to kill her...

It's nice that she views me with such authority.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."... read more

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th... read more

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

Akey

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

Tequila Mocking Bird.

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi... read more

Because he wanted to use a pen name.

Sorry, don’t be Cross.

J.k. ... Rolling

He was Tolkien all the way through.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char... read more

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

Nobody does what I tell them

Fus Roald Dahl

His work was absolutely ribbiting.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

*M'Seuss*

jk

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to... read more

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines... read more

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

They both create a lot of plotholes.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl... read more