UPJOKE
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The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

Did you hear about the author who writes using invisible ink?

Here's a list of his books:

How does the author of Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking.

JK. Rolling

Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week.

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.

What do you call a female author?

Paige Turner

A man with authority walks into a bar..

He orders everyone a round.

The author of the book " How to murder your husband" is on trial for murdering her husband

I'm now writing a book " how to be a billionaire"

Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

A physicist, journalist and author are all standing at the gates of heaven

The physicist was bragging and said I got a Nobel prize.

The author says I got a Pulitzer Prize.

the journalist says pfft that’s nothing I got the highest achievement any journalist can hope for getting killed by the CIA.

Transcripts of radio conversations of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

There is an ideal number of authors on academic publications

It is better to have Loved & Lost, than to have Never, Loved, et al.

Dominatrix author onlyfans creator seeks a fellow writer to be my sub

Basically I need a sub-scriber

I hate it when everyone tells me to read an author's works, but then I can't find it anhwhere.

For someone so famous, nobody seems to keep Warren Piece in stock.

Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury?

HG Wells.

What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc]

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

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Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

How did the author of harry potter go down the hill?

Walking.


J.k. Rowling



Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.

Authorities in Lake Tahoe are on the lookout for three bears that have collectively broken into more than 30 homes

Current leads suggest that the bears’ location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone

As an author I was excited about moving into a neighborhood with exclusively author residents...

But I've come to regret it, now I'm constantly in a writers block.

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

Why did the best-selling author want to send his daughter to writing camp?

.
.
.
Because he thought it would help her build character.

The author of a number of vehemently anti-circumcision books goes to get a haircut...

Barber: “And what would you like?”

Author: “Just a little off the top please”

What do you get when you cross a gardener with an author?

Someone who perpetually thickens the plot.

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Authorities unveil the the rioter who tazed himself to death in the balls has been charged.

Charged in the nards

Which Russian author never paid his respects?

Dusty F Key

A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist

The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

My author friend claims that he ‘accidentally’ glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

Don't read this, it's too long and not at all funny.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to...

My city just authorized yet another landfill, when the ones we already have will be more than enough for decades.

That space of waste is a waste of space.

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city

They’re aiming for Kabum

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I have it on good authority that physicists are obsessed with tits.

I mean why else were they so desperate to find Higg's bosom?

A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.

He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

Book titles and authors: Don’t fall off the cliff

By Ilene Dover

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

Author Joe Hill didn't want anybody to know he was Stephen King's son because he was afraid he wouldn't be taken seriously.

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

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I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

Who's Michael J. Fox's favorite author?

Shake-spear

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av...

When the pope was visiting America

He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, ...

Anarchy in the Monarchy

Why was it so difficult for authorities to catch up with Prince Andrew?

Because he is a Royal Mail.

It’s my cake day, here’s a joke

What’s the difference between port authority and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station, the other’s a busty crustacean!

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The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Master Chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only...

Did you hear about the author in prison?

He completed all his sentences.

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

I have the most original idea for a TV show. Contestants will be read a line from a random poem, and they will be asked which author the line belongs to.

I'll name it, 'Whose Line Is It, Anyway?'

A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

Three men approach a wishing well one after another

The first, wishes to have one million bucks. Instantly, he is now in ownership of one million wild deer. He sets up a venison business and makes millions

The second wishes for his ex-wife to fall for him again. She instantly trips while thinking about him, and on the way to the hospital, he m...

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book?

It was Wei Tu Long.

What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

I have a problem with authority

Nobody does what I tell them

Why did the author call himself Mont Blanc?

Because he wanted to use a pen name.

Sorry, don’t be Cross.

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

What's the difference between L. Ron Hubbard and Ayn Rand?

One author is delusional and whose fans follow blindly like a religion...and the other is L. Ron Hubbard.

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

I met the author of IT yesterday

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anyw...

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

What did the neckbeard call the children's author who was rubbing his back?

*M'Seuss*

Who is the Dovahkiin’s favorite author?

Fus Roald Dahl

1950's definitions

A conference is a group of men who individually can do nothing, but as a group can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

A statistician is a man who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.

A professor is a man whose job it is to ...

Did you guys hear about the frog that became a best-selling author?

His work was absolutely ribbiting.

I'm actually a very close personal friend of the author of Harry Potter.

jk

You are being sarcastic

Years ago, in a very toxic workplace, my manager called me to a meeting and told me that I am using sarcasm and it undermines his authority

I looked at him and asked: Who, me?

--- true story

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.


(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

On their way to a summit, both Reagan and Gorbachev end up in car crashes, knocking them both into comas.

Ten years later, they wake up in adjacent rooms in the hospital, a screen separating the rooms but allowing them to see and hear each other. Both are curious about how the world changed in their absence, so Reagan asks for a copy of the New York Times, and Gorbachev asks for a copy of Pravda.
...

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

What do a bad author and a grave robber have in common?

They both create a lot of plotholes.

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

As Colombian authorities chased down drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, his last words before they shot him were:

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

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