The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury?

HG Wells.

What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc]

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

What do you get when you cross a gardener with an author?

Someone who perpetually thickens the plot.

How does the author of Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking.

JK. Rolling

My author friend “accidentally” glued himself to his own autobiography.

That’s his story and he’s sticking to it!

British joke from author P.G. Wodehouse (1920s)

Chap goes up to deaf chap outside an exhibition and says, “Is this Wembley?”
“Hey?” says the deaf chap.
“Is this Wembley?” says the chap.
“Hey?” says the deaf chap.
“Is this Wembley? Says the chap.
“No, Thursday,” says the chap.

The author of a number of vehemently anti-circumcision books goes to get a haircut...

Barber: “And what would you like?”

Author: “Just a little off the top please”

A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist

The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."

Which Russian author never paid his respects?

Dusty F Key

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision...

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

Book titles and authors: Don’t fall off the cliff

By Ilene Dover

How did the author of harry potter go down the hill?

Walking.


J.k. Rowling



Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.

I have a problem with authority

Nobody does what I tell them

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

Where do authors buy their Deus Ex Machinas?

At the convenience store!

Author Joe Hill didn't want anybody to know he was Stephen King's son because he was afraid he wouldn't be taken seriously.

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

Who's Michael J. Fox's favorite author?

Shake-spear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger

Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.

There was a man who ready a joke so funny that he died from laughter.

After reading it, the authorities all agreed that it was a killer joke.

I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av...

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...

‟I need to nispect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.”

I said, ‟Okay, but do not go into that field over there.....”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ‟Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant office...

A man with authority walks into a bar..

He orders everyone a round.

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

Whats a 1960s author favourite type of alcohol?

Tequila Mocking Bird.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who were the authors for the paper - Juggling 3 Plutonium balls with one hand?

Notta, Guud, Ideya et al.

Why did the author call himself Mont Blanc?

Because he wanted to use a pen name.

Sorry, don’t be Cross.

Did you hear about the author in prison?

He completed all his sentences.

What kind of book authors should never kill off any of their characters for drama?

Biographers.

What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

My boss fired me.

"Why?" I asked.

He said, "You always question authority."


I said, "How?"

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.


(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

Why did the author include a page with a computer generated grid in his book?

Because he auto graphed it.

Authorities are currently investigating the disappearance of Yorkshire

But so far they have no Leeds.

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan.

He approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your m...

Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

‌‌A b‌‌loke b‌‌umped i‌‌n t‌‌o m‌‌e o‌‌n t‌‌he t‌‌ube t‌‌he o‌‌ther d‌‌ay a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

Then t‌‌he s‌‌ame f‌‌ella f‌‌ollowed m‌‌e h‌‌ome f‌‌rom t‌‌he p‌‌ub a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

Things t‌‌hen g‌‌ot o‌‌ut o‌‌f h‌‌and w‌‌hen h‌‌e t‌‌apped o‌‌n m‌‌y w‌‌indow a‌‌t 1‌‌1.30 t‌‌hat n‌‌ight a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

I t‌‌h...

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

I met the author of IT yesterday

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

Drinking and Driving

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and  embarrassment of being arrested for DUI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way  home after a "so...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An author with writers block decided to go to the woods to clear his head and write his next great book.

He’s alone for 2 months and making progress. One day, while hiking, he sees a burly woodsman chopping a tree. The woodman waved him over and they chat a bit. The woodsman invites the author over to his cabin for a party. The author thinks it’ll be great, he hasn’t had any company in 2 months.
...

A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

Too many authors to cite?

No problem et al.

What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

What did the neckbeard call the children's author who was rubbing his back?

*M'Seuss*

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

A plane with famous and influential politicians onboard crashes into a field.

When the authorities arrive they find no survivors or dead bodies on the spot. It soon turns out that a local farmer buried them a bit further away.

The investigators ask him if he is sure there were no survivors, but he confirms that he buried each of them with his two hands.

The doct...

Who is the Dovahkiin’s favorite author?

Fus Roald Dahl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for murder?

The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

Sell books

A well-known writer is going to visit the bookstore. The bookstore owner was flattered and quickly removed all the books and replaced them with the authors' books. After the writer came to the bookstore, he was very happy and asked, "Does your store only sell my books?"

"Of course not." The b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During creation, God asked creatures of they wanted an exoskeleton or an endoskeleton.

Turtle: Yes



Author's note: "repost" because I fucked up the original

As Colombian authorities chased down drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, his last words before they shot him were:

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book?

It was Wei Tu Long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

Did you guys hear about the frog that became a best-selling author?

His work was absolutely ribbiting.

What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

What do a bad author and a grave robber have in common?

They both create a lot of plotholes.

German authorities

German authorities have raided establishments where citizens have been playing dice games. They are doing all they can to stop the reformation of the Yahtzee Party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was subject to a full cavity search by the authorities yesterday.

I would say it was hands *down* the shittiest part of my life, but...

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

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