How does the author of Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking.

JK. Rolling

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

I have a problem with authority

Nobody does what I tell them

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

Who's Michael J. Fox's favorite author?

Shake-spear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

Book titles and authors: Don’t fall off the cliff

By Ilene Dover

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

Which Russian author never paid his respects?

Dusty F Key

Where do authors buy their Deus Ex Machinas?

At the convenience store!

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Author Joe Hill didn't want anybody to know he was Stephen King's son because he was afraid he wouldn't be taken seriously.

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

How did the author of harry potter go down the hill?

Walking.


J.k. Rowling



Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.

I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av...

My author friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

My boss fired me.

"Why?" I asked.

He said, "You always question authority."


I said, "How?"

Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95...

*US Ship*: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

*Canadians*: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

*US Ship*: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

*Canadians*: "N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

That cop exploded saying “Do you know who the fuck I am ?! I have the authority of the government with me”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan.

He approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your m...

A man with authority walks into a bar..

He orders everyone a round.

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

Sell books

A well-known writer is going to visit the bookstore. The bookstore owner was flattered and quickly removed all the books and replaced them with the authors' books. After the writer came to the bookstore, he was very happy and asked, "Does your store only sell my books?"

"Of course not." The b...

A plane with famous and influential politicians onboard crashes into a field.

When the authorities arrive they find no survivors or dead bodies on the spot. It soon turns out that a local farmer buried them a bit further away.

The investigators ask him if he is sure there were no survivors, but he confirms that he buried each of them with his two hands.

The doct...

Why did the author call himself Mont Blanc?

Because he wanted to use a pen name.

Sorry, don’t be Cross.

What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During creation, God asked creatures of they wanted an exoskeleton or an endoskeleton.

Turtle: Yes



Author's note: "repost" because I fucked up the original

‌‌A b‌‌loke b‌‌umped i‌‌n t‌‌o m‌‌e o‌‌n t‌‌he t‌‌ube t‌‌he o‌‌ther d‌‌ay a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

Then t‌‌he s‌‌ame f‌‌ella f‌‌ollowed m‌‌e h‌‌ome f‌‌rom t‌‌he p‌‌ub a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

Things t‌‌hen g‌‌ot o‌‌ut o‌‌f h‌‌and w‌‌hen h‌‌e t‌‌apped o‌‌n m‌‌y w‌‌indow a‌‌t 1‌‌1.30 t‌‌hat n‌‌ight a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

I t‌‌h...

What kind of book authors should never kill off any of their characters for drama?

Biographers.

Did you hear about the author in prison?

He completed all his sentences.

Understanding Women

A FATHER SAYS TO HIS SON :
"MY BOY, WHEN YOU ACCUMULATE THE UNDERSTANDING OF WHY A PIZZA IS BAKED ROUND,
PUT IN A SQUARE BOX , EATEN IN TRIANGLES, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN. "
Author Unknown

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for murder?

The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

Authorities are currently investigating the disappearance of Yorkshire

But so far they have no Leeds.

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.


(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

Why did the author include a page with a computer generated grid in his book?

Because he auto graphed it.

What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

I met the author of IT yesterday

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An author with writers block decided to go to the woods to clear his head and write his next great book.

He’s alone for 2 months and making progress. One day, while hiking, he sees a burly woodsman chopping a tree. The woodman waved him over and they chat a bit. The woodsman invites the author over to his cabin for a party. The author thinks it’ll be great, he hasn’t had any company in 2 months.
...

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

Too many authors to cite?

No problem et al.

A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

What did the neckbeard call the children's author who was rubbing his back?

*M'Seuss*

Ukrainian mother-in-law joke

The morning after the wedding, the newlywed couple is sitting at the kitchen table when they are joined by the bride's mother. The husband, still slightly drunk from last night, decides that now is the proper time to display his manly authority.

He starts by calmly issuing his demands. "For b...

Who is the Dovahkiin’s favorite author?

Fus Roald Dahl

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer Johnson was caught by his neighbor having sex with his goat.

She called the authorities and had him arrested. Farmer Johnson was very concerned and asked one of his buddies if he knew a good lawyer. The friend said that he knew a lawyer that wasn’t a good trial lawyer, but, he was extremely talented at picking jurors.

On the day of the trial the neighb...

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

As Colombian authorities chased down drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, his last words before they shot him were:

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.

Authorities believe it to be race-related.

A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and talked to an old rancher...

He told the rancher ‘I need to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.’

The rancher said, ‘OK, but don’t go into that paddock over there.’

The DEA agent exploded and said, ‘look, here. I have the authority of the federal government with me!!’ He removed his badge and displayed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book?

It was Wei Tu Long.

Did you guys hear about the frog that became a best-selling author?

His work was absolutely ribbiting.

Ya'll hear about that two-seater plane that crashed into the graveyard?

It was a bloody disaster, authorities dug up nearly 300 bodies

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

What do a bad author and a grave robber have in common?

They both create a lot of plotholes.

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

German authorities

German authorities have raided establishments where citizens have been playing dice games. They are doing all they can to stop the reformation of the Yahtzee Party.

My girlfriend has two version of the Kama Sutra, the original and the Director's Cut. One time I asked her what the difference was.

Apparently the author is Jewish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was subject to a full cavity search by the authorities yesterday.

I would say it was hands *down* the shittiest part of my life, but...

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

Most reddit users will be safe from Coronavirus.

Heath authorities say it spreads from human contact.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom"

By Willie Maykit

Co-authored by Betty Wont

Illustrated by Andy Didnt

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