I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95...

*US Ship*: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

*Canadians*: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

*US Ship*: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

*Canadians*: "N...

My author friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

Whats a 1960s author favourite type of alcohol?

Tequila Mocking Bird.

What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

Why did the author call himself Mont Blanc?

Because he wanted to use a pen name.

Sorry, don’t be Cross.

A man with authority walks into a bar...

He orders everyone around

What do you call a stretch of land surrounded by water on three sides and inhabited by authors?

Pen-insula.

Several young boys were called by the New Delhi authorities for a medical check-up to determine the paternity of a certain teenage girl’s baby.

Chandulal went in and after a few minutes came out. Don’t worry, fellows, he smiled. They’ll never find out. They’re taking samples from the finger!

What kind of book authors should never kill off any of their characters for drama?

Biographers.

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.


(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

Did you hear about the author in prison?

He completed all his sentences.

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said "Try Sarah Topps!"

Why did the author include a page with a computer generated grid in his book?

Because he auto graphed it.

I met the author of IT yesterday

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

Knock Knock

Who's there?

An author

An author who?

An author joke like this and you won't come back, huh?

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

Too many authors to cite?

No problem et al.

What did the neckbeard call the children's author who was rubbing his back?

*M'Seuss*

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

Who is the Dovahkiin’s favorite author?

Fus Roald Dahl

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

Did you know about the prisoner who used to beat his cellmate with his wooden leg?

When the authorities confiscated it , he was hopping mad..

As Colombian authorities chased down drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, his last words before they shot him were:

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

German authorities

German authorities have raided establishments where citizens have been playing dice games. They are doing all they can to stop the reformation of the Yahtzee Party.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”

The next day the same discussion took place:

Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the...

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

Tourist Visits.

A tourist visits a poor country, along with a guide. There, the tourist sees group of men peeing on the side of road. Disgusted by their behavior and the local authority , the tourist asks,
"doesn't police hold em?"
Guide replies,
"We poor people, we hold em ourself."

Did you guys hear about the frog that became a best-selling author?

His work was absolutely ribbiting.

What do a bad author and a grave robber have in common?

They both create a lot of plotholes.

When I was 15, I was a lost cause

I would constantly get in trouble with school teachers, policemen, really any kind of authority figure.

One day, my father had enough of it.

He told me that I had two options: either to change my ways, or to sleep on the roof until I decided to change. I considered choosing the former...

Why is “Walden” such a good read?

Because the author is very Thoreau.

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

I'm actually a very close personal friend of the author of Harry Potter.

jk

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book?

It was Wei Tu Long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was subject to a full cavity search by the authorities yesterday.

I would say it was hands *down* the shittiest part of my life, but...

A dyslexic man was arrested for storming area 15

He was released as authorities felt bad for him.

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

The lookout

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

Authorities discover that Tom Hanks has killed thousands of people

with kindness

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The author of The Great Gatsby really pisses me off

F Scott Fitzgerald

The power of authority

A cop agent goes to a property and tells the owner, an old farmer:

"I need to inspect your property." There's a complaint that you have an illegal plantation

The farmer says:

"Okay, inspect whatever you want, but do not go to that camp there. And points to a certain area.
...

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

Did you hear about the author who wrote a book during her time of the month?

It was a period piece.

The British are making a monument out of rocks to Harry Potter's author

When finished, it'll be called the Rowling Stones.

The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today.

RIP Ewan Whosarmy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority?

Because he likes Dicks.

Who's the top selling author in Russia?

Salman Rush B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A time traveler meets with an ancient Jewish Bibical author.

After a brief introduction, having convinced the scribe of his identity, the time-traveler launches into an excited speech:

"Rabbi, do you know that in the future, your writings will spawn off other religions that in turn would make most of the world's population adherents of the Abrahamic fa...

What does an author have after they get abdominal surgery?

A semi-colon

Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident

Soo Yoo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking through the market one day.

He hears a man yelling, "Get your dam fish here!"
The man is puzzled and asks the man, "Why are you saying such bad things about these fish?" The fish vendor laughs and says, "No no, these are DAM fish--as in they were caught near the dam."
"Oh I see," exclaimed the man, "I'll take some dam f...

What you get if you cross an r/jokes redditor with an author of books about the past?

History repeating itself.

Breaking News: Criminal author gets 5 years in book case

Check out his story!

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