„Harry Potter's” author is walking down the street

J.K., she's Rowling.

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

A man with authority walks into a bar...

He orders everyone around

What do you call a stretch of land surrounded by water on three sides and inhabited by authors?

Pen-insula.

Why did the author call himself Mont Blanc?

Because he wanted to use a pen name.

Sorry, don’t be Cross.

What kind of book authors should never kill off any of their characters for drama?

Biographers.

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.


(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said "Try Sarah Topps!"

Did you hear about the author in prison?

He completed all his sentences.

My author friend claims that he ‘accidentally’ glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I met the author of IT yesterday

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

Authors...

They’re always making a scene.

What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An author with writers block decided to go to the woods to clear his head and write his next great book.

He’s alone for 2 months and making progress. One day, while hiking, he sees a burly woodsman chopping a tree. The woodman waved him over and they chat a bit. The woodsman invites the author over to his cabin for a party. The author thinks it’ll be great, he hasn’t had any company in 2 months.
...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

Too many authors to cite?

No problem et al.

What did the neckbeard call the children's author who was rubbing his back?

*M'Seuss*

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

Who is the Dovahkiin’s favorite author?

Fus Roald Dahl

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

As Colombian authorities chased down drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, his last words before they shot him were:

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

In tonight's news

Newscaster: a man was found unconscious today at the park. His identity is unknown, all the authorities can say is that his brief is really old and full of holes.

My wife: that's my husband!

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”

The next day the same discussion took place:

Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the...

German authorities

German authorities have raided establishments where citizens have been playing dice games. They are doing all they can to stop the reformation of the Yahtzee Party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

Why is “Walden” such a good read?

Because the author is very Thoreau.

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

When I was 15, I was a lost cause

I would constantly get in trouble with school teachers, policemen, really any kind of authority figure.

One day, my father had enough of it.

He told me that I had two options: either to change my ways, or to sleep on the roof until I decided to change. I considered choosing the former...

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

What do a bad author and a grave robber have in common?

They both create a lot of plotholes.

Did you guys hear about the frog that became a best-selling author?

His work was absolutely ribbiting.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

Radio conversation in between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This...

A dyslexic man was arrested for storming area 15

He was released as authorities felt bad for him.

I'm actually a very close personal friend of the author of Harry Potter.

jk

Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was subject to a full cavity search by the authorities yesterday.

I would say it was hands *down* the shittiest part of my life, but...

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

The lookout

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of...

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book?

It was Wei Tu Long.

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

Authorities discover that Tom Hanks has killed thousands of people

with kindness

Who authorizes all U.S. naval special operations?

The SEAL of approval.

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

The power of authority

A cop agent goes to a property and tells the owner, an old farmer:

"I need to inspect your property." There's a complaint that you have an illegal plantation

The farmer says:

"Okay, inspect whatever you want, but do not go to that camp there. And points to a certain area.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The author of The Great Gatsby really pisses me off

F Scott Fitzgerald

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

Author McConaughey says:

I'll write, I'll write, I'll write

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking through the market one day.

He hears a man yelling, "Get your dam fish here!"
The man is puzzled and asks the man, "Why are you saying such bad things about these fish?" The fish vendor laughs and says, "No no, these are DAM fish--as in they were caught near the dam."
"Oh I see," exclaimed the man, "I'll take some dam f...

Did you hear about the author who wrote a book during her time of the month?

It was a period piece.

The British are making a monument out of rocks to Harry Potter's author

When finished, it'll be called the Rowling Stones.

The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today.

RIP Ewan Whosarmy

Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident

Soo Yoo

Who's the top selling author in Russia?

Salman Rush B

A group of thieves have been going around stealing all the toilets in town

Local authorities say they have nothing to go on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority?

Because he likes Dicks.

An air crash

An air crash occured yesterday. A light plane, Cessna 172 has crashed into a cemetery. The authorities have dug for 20 hours. 300 dead and still counting...

What does an author have after they get abdominal surgery?

A semi-colon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A time traveler meets with an ancient Jewish Bibical author.

After a brief introduction, having convinced the scribe of his identity, the time-traveler launches into an excited speech:

"Rabbi, do you know that in the future, your writings will spawn off other religions that in turn would make most of the world's population adherents of the Abrahamic fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small coastal Australian church gets word the Pope is coming for a visit.

The church committee quickly gets together to discuss arrangements and the topic quickly turns to what food they will serve the Pope.

One of the nuns suggests a serve of fish would be appropriate. The committee agrees and one of the priests is nominated to source a fresh fish.

The pr...

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

What you get if you cross an r/jokes redditor with an author of books about the past?

History repeating itself.

Breaking News: Criminal author gets 5 years in book case

Check out his story!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so i...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.