The 84+ Best Author Jokes

Did you hear about the author who writes using invisible ink?

Here's a list of his books:

A man with authority walks into a bar..

He orders everyone a round.

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

How does the author of Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking.

JK. Rolling

Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week.

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.

My author friend claims that he ‘accidentally’ glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

What do you call a female author?

Paige Turner

Dr. Samuel Johnson, author of the first great dictionary of English language, was visited by a delegation of respectable ladies of London.

“Dr Johnson,” they said, “we congratulate you for omitting all indecent or obscene words from your dictionary.”

“Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

As an author I was excited about moving into a neighborhood with exclusively author residents...

But I've come to regret it, now I'm constantly in a writers block.

Too many authors to cite?

No problem et al

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

What do you call a Colombian author prepping for doomsday?

One hundred years of solid food.

Critics are to authors

what dogs are to lamp-posts.

Why doesn't the bible have an "about the author"?

It was written by a holy-ghostwriter

Which famous children's author loved Indian cuisine?

Roald Daal

What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

Which Russian author never paid his respects?

Dusty F Key

Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury?

HG Wells.

Dominatrix author onlyfans creator seeks a fellow writer to be my sub

Basically I need a sub-scriber

What do you get when you cross a gardener with an author?

Someone who perpetually thickens the plot.

Mark Twain at a dinner at the Author's Club, said:

Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. I my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the knew anything at all about what was in store for them.

'Good aftern...

The Arrogance of Authority

[Source](https://plus.google.com/u/0/108059114686877527512/posts/h4y17P9yTXq)

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that...

If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately.

Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.

I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, so I immediately reported him to the authorities...

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck!

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

Did you hear about the author in prison?

He completed all his sentences.

The author of the book " How to murder your husband" is on trial for murdering her husband

I'm now writing a book " how to be a billionaire"

There is an ideal number of authors on academic publications

It is better to have Loved & Lost, than to have Never, Loved, et al.

Why did the best-selling author want to send his daughter to writing camp?

.
.
.
Because he thought it would help her build character.

What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc]

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

The author of a number of vehemently anti-circumcision books goes to get a haircut...

Barber: “And what would you like?”

Author: “Just a little off the top please”

Book titles and authors: Don’t fall off the cliff

By Ilene Dover

Authors...

They’re always making a scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

Why did the author call himself Mont Blanc?

Because he wanted to use a pen name.

Sorry, don’t be Cross.

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book?

It was Wei Tu Long.

A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist

The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."

Who's Michael J. Fox's favorite author?

Shake-spear

Who is the Dovahkiin’s favorite author?

Fus Roald Dahl

I have a problem with authority

Nobody does what I tell them

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority?

Because he likes Dicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Authorities unveil the the rioter who tazed himself to death in the balls has been charged.

Charged in the nards

I hate it when everyone tells me to read an author's works, but then I can't find it anhwhere.

For someone so famous, nobody seems to keep Warren Piece in stock.

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have it on good authority that physicists are obsessed with tits.

I mean why else were they so desperate to find Higg's bosom?

German authorities

German authorities have raided establishments where citizens have been playing dice games. They are doing all they can to stop the reformation of the Yahtzee Party.

I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

“Isn’t all contemporary fiction just a retelling of older stories, arranged in such a way as to appeal to the broadest population, given their familiarity with technological advancements that would seem magical to authors of earlier ages….

…” I asked the chicken as we both stood on the sidewalk. It suddenly and without comment walked across the road.

“Hey,” I called after the chicken, “why’d you do that?!”

Who's the top selling author in Russia?

Salman Rush B

Authorities in Lake Tahoe are on the lookout for three bears that have collectively broken into more than 30 homes

Current leads suggest that the bears’ location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.

(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

The power of authority

A cop agent goes to a property and tells the owner, an old farmer:

"I need to inspect your property." There's a complaint that you have an illegal plantation

The farmer says:

"Okay, inspect whatever you want, but do not go to that camp there. And points to a certain area.
...

With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city

They’re aiming for Kabum

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

What do a bad author and a grave robber have in common?

They both create a lot of plotholes.

What did the neckbeard call the children's author who was rubbing his back?

*M'Seuss*

I'm actually a very close personal friend of the author of Harry Potter.

Why did the author include a page with a computer generated grid in his book?

Because he auto graphed it.

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The author of The Great Gatsby really pisses me off

F Scott Fitzgerald

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

What does an author have after they get abdominal surgery?

A semi-colon

Breaking News: Criminal author gets 5 years in book case

Check out his story!

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

The authorities caught the dying battery

He was not charged

Why didn't George RR Martin (GOT author) use Twitter?

Because he killed all the 140 characters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A time traveler meets with an ancient Jewish Bibical author.

After a brief introduction, having convinced the scribe of his identity, the time-traveler launches into an excited speech:

"Rabbi, do you know that in the future, your writings will spawn off other religions that in turn would make most of the world's population adherents of the Abrahamic fa...

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

If I was an author I would make my pen name...

*Page Turner.*

Author Joe Hill didn't want anybody to know he was Stephen King's son because he was afraid he wouldn't be taken seriously.

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

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