Author Jokes

Here's a list of his books:

JK. Rolling

He orders everyone a round.

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ... read more

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

“Dr Johnson,” they said, “we congratulate you for omitting all indecent or obscene words from your dictionary.”

“Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”

Paige Turner

The Pulp.

what dogs are to lamp-posts.

But I've come to regret it, now I'm constantly in a writers block.

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

No problem et al

Basically I need a sub-scriber

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

One hundred years of solid food.

It was written by a holy-ghostwriter

Roald Daal

[Source](https://plus.google.com/u/0/108059114686877527512/posts/h4y17P9yTXq)

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that... read more

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This... read more

Dusty F Key

HG Wells.

Someone who perpetually thickens the plot.

Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. I my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the knew anything at all about what was in store for them.

'Good aftern... read more

Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck!

He completed all his sentences.

I'm now writing a book " how to be a billionaire"

It is better to have Loved & Lost, than to have Never, Loved, et al.

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Because he thought it would help her build character.

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

Barber: “And what would you like?”

Author: “Just a little off the top please”

By Ilene Dover

They’re always making a scene.

Because he wanted to use a pen name.

Sorry, don’t be Cross.

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

It was Wei Tu Long.

The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."

Shake-spear

Fus Roald Dahl

Nobody does what I tell them

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

For someone so famous, nobody seems to keep Warren Piece in stock.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

German authorities have raided establishments where citizens have been playing dice games. They are doing all they can to stop the reformation of the Yahtzee Party.

It’s called Prose and Cons

…” I asked the chicken as we both stood on the sidewalk. It suddenly and without comment walked across the road.

“Hey,” I called after the chicken, “why’d you do that?!”

Salman Rush B

Current leads suggest that the bears’ location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone

He orders everybody around.


(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

A cop agent goes to a property and tells the owner, an old farmer:

"I need to inspect your property." There's a complaint that you have an illegal plantation

The farmer says:

"Okay, inspect whatever you want, but do not go to that camp there. And points to a certain area.
... read more

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av... read more

They’re aiming for Kabum

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

They both create a lot of plotholes.

*M'Seuss*

jk

Because he auto graphed it.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

A semi-colon

Check out his story!

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

He received a short sentence.

Writers block.

He was not charged

Because he killed all the 140 characters.

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines... read more

*Page Turner.*

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

J.k. ... Rolling

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl... read more