Did you know that authors seeking for attention on social medias are walking?

JK, rolling.

My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

What did the neckbeard call the children's author who was rubbing his back?

*M'Seuss*

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

Too many authors to cite?

No problem et al.

Who is the Dovahkiin’s favorite author?

Fus Roald Dahl

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

What do a bad author and a grave robber have in common?

They both create a lot of plotholes.

Did you guys hear about the frog that became a best-selling author?

His work was absolutely ribbiting.

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

Turkish gallows humor

A prisoner goes to the prison library, and asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author."

A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar.

*[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book?

It was Wei Tu Long.

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The author of The Great Gatsby really pisses me off

F Scott Fitzgerald

Author McConaughey says:

I'll write, I'll write, I'll write

The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today.

RIP Ewan Whosarmy

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

Did you hear about the author who wrote a book during her time of the month?

It was a period piece.

Who's the top selling author in Russia?

Salman Rush B

The British are making a monument out of rocks to Harry Potter's author

When finished, it'll be called the Rowling Stones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A time traveler meets with an ancient Jewish Bibical author.

After a brief introduction, having convinced the scribe of his identity, the time-traveler launches into an excited speech:

"Rabbi, do you know that in the future, your writings will spawn off other religions that in turn would make most of the world's population adherents of the Abrahamic fa...

What does an author have after they get abdominal surgery?

A semi-colon

Breaking News: Criminal author gets 5 years in book case

Check out his story!

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to make the change, but 3 will claim co-authorship.

What you get if you cross an r/jokes redditor with an author of books about the past?

History repeating itself.

Who was King Author's most well rounded Knight?

Sir Cumference.

Bit of a different post here - an author introduces a joke but never reveals the punchline...anyone heard this joke? Or make up your own punchline?

In *Infinite Jest* by David Foster Wallace, at one point there's a line -

"...asking Mario if he knows what you call three Canadians copulating on a snowmobile."

But he doesn't say the punchline. I'm assuming maybe this is a commonish kinda joke? I've tried to think of what the pu...

What do authors do when they are being chased?

They make like Dr. Jekyll and Hyde!

Did John Knott mind being the only cited author on his group's research paper?

Knott, et al.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shane Dawson Joke

Shane Dawson's latest vlog had him reflecting his Youtube career, he stated "You do one song, nobody calls you a singer. You make one movie, nobody calls you a filmmaker. You write one book, nobody calls you an author. But you fuck one cat....."

Why didn't George RR Martin (GOT author) use Twitter?

Because he killed all the 140 characters.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

Racism Today

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days... ever wonder why? A customer walks into an establishment and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"


The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. B...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman asks her most understanding friend for advice before her date.

Her friend asks what she thinks the problem in her love life is.

"Well, they tend to leave as soon as I start talking about politics. It's a part of my identity and I just can't help it."

The friend advises her to say everything in her head and judge whether it's political before sayin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He meets God there and asks him: "Dear God, you know me, I'm the author of worlds most famous equation. Would you show me the equation you used to create man?"

God takes a pencil and a piece of paper, scribbles something down and gives it to him.

Einstein is studying the formula for a ...

There once was hippo child prodigy.

Just by hanging around tourists, he learned to talk, and soon thereafter to read.

Eventually, he started attending a nearby primary school for humans and he turned out to be very very smart indeed, even by human standards. Typing, thanks to his symbiotic oxpecker buddy, made him a prolific au...

What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He will become an Author.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Since it’s 4/20, here’s a quality repost

A monkey was in a tree smoking weed...

A lizard, walking by, looked up and saw him. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "What are you doing up there?"

The monkey looked down and answered him. "I'm smoking weed."

"Can I have some?" Asked the Lizard.

"Yeah, dude. Come on up here...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An amateur band was recording a new album in the studio...

...and decided to record a cover of another less known artist, a judge who mostly played small private events like weddings.

The album became a huge hit, and sales went through the roof. However, the judge also happened to come across the album after its release. The judge contacted their man...

This book of incantations is useless.

The author failed to run a spell check.

A boy brought his new book to show his friend....

He boasts to his friend: "The author must have been very thorough when he wrote this book, he took 10 years to write it!"

"That's nothing", the friend replies, "have you heard of the man who was sent to prison and took 20 years to finish a sentence?"

I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.

**********

Disclaimer: was told this by a friend. Who isn’t on reddit. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemb...