Born Jokes - 107 Hilarious Born Jokes

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday and rose on Easter.

What are the odds?!?!

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

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Hitler died in 1945, Donald Trump was born in 1946...

Coincidence? No.

Mystery? Maybe.

Hotel? Trivago.

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It’s the day I lost my independence.

(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

A boy was born without a body

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes a...

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

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Why wasn’t Jesus born in modern day Australia?

Because God wouldn’t be able to find find 3 wise men or a virgin.

I was born because my mother was hard of hearing...

Every night, when my parents would get into bed, my father would ask "*So... Do you want to go to sleep or what?"*

And my mother would say, "*WHAT?"*

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.

*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

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A man born with five penises goes to the doctor.

“How does your underwear fit?”, asked the doctor.

The man replies, “Like a glove.”

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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

Q: Why are baby otters born furry?

A: The mother pre-furs them that way.

[Came up with this while nursing today's hangover, lol. My brain is now done for the day.]

My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee

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There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...

if you were born in September…

your parents started off the new year with a bang

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

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Chuck Norris was born by his aunt…

because nobody dared to fuck his mother

Interviewer: Where were you born?

Me: in India

Interviewer: oh, which part?

Me: What ‘which part’ ..? Whole body was born in India.

What do you call someone born in the 1800's?

Dead.

A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20.

We always have a joint birthday party.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They're millennial falcons.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

If you were born the same year Red Red Wine came out…

UB40 now.

My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

True house cleaners aren't just born

They're maid.

When Chuck Norris was born…

The doctor said “Congratulations! You have two healthy parents.”

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

What are Communists born with?

BirthMarx

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A little boy named johnny is going to visit his neighbour's baby who was born with no ears.

"Listen Johnny, you must not mention the baby's ears, or i'll spank you." Johnny's mom explains to him. They arrive at the neighbour's house, and Johnny asks the neighbour: "so how much does he weigh?"

"He weighs a lot for his age, he's very healthy." The neighbour is excited to have someone ...

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So there's a guy born without a body...

He was born as a head, nothing else. The doctors said he would never live, but somehow, he did. He had a rough childhood, but he learned to get around, rolling where he needed to, putting up with the teasing and looks. He just tried to fit in as best he could.

By the time he's in high schoo...

Two babies were just born at the hospital.

One of the babies turns to the other and asks, "Are you a boy baby, or a girl baby?" The other baby just giggles and says. "I don't know!"

The other newborn is surprised, but admits, "Actually, I don't know if I'm a boy or a girl, either."

"I wonder how we can find out?" says the secon...

Why was the new born baby crying in his anti vax mom hands

He was having a mid life crisis

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You li...

You're so ugly that when you were born....

Your mother said "what a little treasure."
Your father replied "yeah let's bury it."

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

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When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories or having a big dick.

Obviously I chose

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I had a friend that was born without eyelids, his doctor used the foreskin from his circumcision to make him some.

The surgery was a great success, he's just a little cock eyed.

My friend was born without eyebrows.

When I finally noticed after years of friendship he wasn't surprised.

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

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My son was born with 5 penises

I was devastated

His mother was devastated

His uncle just smiled and said - "his underpants will fit him like a glove..."

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A boy was born without eyelids the other day.....

So they grafted some of the foreskin from his penis to make him some eyelids. He's expected to be fine but the doctor said he'll be a little cock-eyed.

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and n...

Some Swedish tennis players come into this world born human, some born machine ...

and some bjorn borg.

In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?

Naked & screaming, just like the rest of us.

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to ...

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A baby is born without an eyelid and referred to a Plastic surgeon

Plastic surgeon : You’re lucky it’s a boy. We will perform a circumcision and reconstruct the eyelid with the foreskin.
Mom (not entirely reassured): Will he be ok ? Will he be cockeyed?

Plastic surgeon : Oh no Ma’am, in fact he will have foresight.

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Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released

So, that means two American Idiots came out that day

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

Even though I was born visible...

I identify as trans-parent. My pronouns are who/where.

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Kid born without eyelids.

I just read where a kid was born without eyelids. The doctors have came up with a way to correct the problem, they are going to use his foreskin to make him eyelids. The doctors said that they will work fine and the kid will live a normal life. The only problem is that the kid will be a little cocke...

If you were born in mid September, you're not a Virgo...

You're a Christmas present!

A little boy is born, and has only his head

He lives like this for years, until one Christmas, he finds a torso under the tree.

He says “Mom! Do you think next year Santa will bring me some arms?”

“He just might.” She replies.

The next year, sure enough, there’s a pair of arms under the tree.

Again the boy asks his...

My neighbour across the street said he was born in Micronesia. My next door neighbour said he was born in Indonesia. I told them I was born in Amnesia.

My father forgot to wear a condom.

A baby is born

And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next...

What temperature is a baby when it is born?

Womb temperature!

This high school guys was born without one of his eyes.

He was given a wooden eye as a prosthetic. His whole life he has been self concious about his wooden eye.

Eventually senior prom rolls around and he want to take someone out.

He sees a girls with a hair-lip. Thinking that she may also be self concious about her malformity, he thinks h...

"In what state were you born?"

"Well, I...I was naked."

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

Here's one for those born before the 1980's...

The chief of a large Western African tribe flew into London for a state visit and was being interviewed.

“Welcome to our country, Your Excellency,” said one reporter. “Did you have a good flight?”

The Chief made a strange series of sounds – bells, whistles, hisses, pings in no apparen...

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Did you guys hear about the kid born with no eye lids?

They made him some out of his foreskin. he came out a little cock eyed but other than that he’s fine

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

I was pretty surprised to learn Elon Musk was born in South Africa

I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car

"Mom, before I was born did you want a boy or a girl?"

"I wanted to pickup a fork that fell on the kitchen floor..."

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Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?

Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.

Mother: Will he be okay?

Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

Did you know only one US president has been born in Missouri?

It's true, man.

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

Servants aren’t born

They’re maid

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Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

Did you know Santa was born in Gdansk?

He's North Polish

Triplets were born

Triplets were born.
Doctors are doing the best they can to save the life of a father.

Jim was a man born with no arms

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Not jim

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

I was born in california

A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."

A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't."
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

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Born with no eyelids

( I usually start this one off by casually asking if someone has been keeping up with the news)

Oh, did you see the story about the missionaries that adopted that baby that was born with no eyelids?

No? It was pretty interesting. So, check it out, this group of missionaries was wor...

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Guy says to a Blonde girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits,

no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the

Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

Brunette: “Where were you born?”

Blonde: “California.” Brunette: “Which part?” Blonde: “All of me.”

You hear about the Italian kid born without any arms?

Poor kid never learned to talk.

A man goes before Saint Peter...

Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?'
The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.'
'Where did you go to school?'
'Poland, Lwow.'
'Where were you married?'
'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.'
Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?' ...

I was born to an Asian family

But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

A kid is born with no body...

So a child is born with no body or limbs, he's just a head. The doctor tells the parents that he seems to be in perfectly good health otherwise and after a few days in the hospital they all go home.

The kid grows up perfectly fine as just a head, and eventually reaches his 21st birthday, so ...

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching

a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

The Boy That Was Born Just a Head

There once was a boy that was born as just a head. On his 21st birthday, his Dad decides to take his son out to a bar to buy him his 1st beer. The father and son arrive at the bar and the Dad says to the Bartender, "2 beers please."

The boy that's just a head, finished his beer, and suddenly,...

a bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and... cola"

"why the big pause?" Asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

Why do Horses stand up and stretch their legs as soon as they are born?

Because they’ve been running out of womb.

What do you call five African-Americans born together?

Triplets.

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

What do you call a child born from incest?

Gross Domestic Product

Why are geckos natural-born story tellers?

Dropping a tail is in their nature.

What do you say about a bee that isn’t born yet?

To bee or not to bee.

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News Report: Child born with no eyelids.

A baby boy has been born without having his eyelid full formed. In a radical new surgery the doctors were able to form eyelids for the foreskin of the child. Doctors report the surgery successful, however the child may be cock-eyed.

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I was born 20 minutes before my twin brother

But I set up my Reddit account a month before. So today is all mine fuckface.

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

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