You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It’s the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

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Why couldnt baby jesus be born in NYC?

Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin

That "Born to Be Wild" song is actually pretty scary.

Especially the part where they find a head out on the highway.

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

A Chinese baby was born way too early..

So, his parents named him Sudden Lee.

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Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s m...

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I was born 20 minutes before my twin brother

But I set up my Reddit account a month before. So today is all mine fuckface.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are chatting in a bar. The Englishman says "We named my son George because he was born on St. George's Day".

The Scotsman says "Wow, what a coincidence! My son is called Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's Day"

The Irishman says "I can't believe it! Wait till I tell you about our Pancake"

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photocopier."

There are children being born who’s parents weren’t alive when Shrek was released in 2001

It’s crazy how the years start coming and they simply don’t stop coming

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15% of the men are actually born gay..

The rest were sucked into it

What do you call a bee born in May?

Maybe

Just saw a fun fact that said, "Babies are more likely to be born on Tuesdays."

As opposed to what? ADULTS being born on Tuesdays?

What do you call a child born out of incest?

Gross domestic product.

Great news! My son was born a few days ago!

I've been waiting for the dad jokes to kick in but I guess I still have to wait a bit.
In other news, the mail man on my street quit his job and became a comedian.

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Did you hear about the boy born with no eyelids?

They used the skin from his circumcision to make his new eyelids.

The doctor said he made it through the surgery fine, but may end up a little cockeyed.

How was Black Panther born?

By not using a Wacondom

What do you call an Alien born in Australia?

An Australien

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Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won’t see me, my friends act like I’m not there. Hell even the mailman hasn’t made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a t...

Before I was born god gave me 2 options: A good memory or a big phallus.

I don't remember my choice

I was born by c-section and I turned out fine.

Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.

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My Cousin was born with no eyelids. Later when he was circumcised, they used the foreskin to create eyelids for him.

Everything turned out fine......he's just a lil Cock eyed.

Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.

My wife told me it is called a “pre-natal sun burn”. Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.

Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child’s skin dark brown but he shouldn’t feel any pain.

She told me that there...

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Before I was born, God asked if I wanted to be well-endowed.

A fat gut and man tits wasn't what I had in mind.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

Sometimes a person is born male, but later transitions to being a woman.

If that person then decides they actually do identify as a man, does that make them a transformer?

what do you call a shape born on february 9th?

an asquareius

You must have been born on a highway

Because that's where most accidents happen!

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I was born with a baby-sized penis

It weights 6 pounds

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A little boy asked his mom how he was born

Well son, your dad and I took a little seed and planted it in the ground, we watered it and took care of it. After some time a plant grew out of the ground and started to grow leaves and soon the plant grew a sweet little bud. We took the bud and smoked it and we got so high we fucked without a cond...

My best mate was born by Cesarean...

The only side effect is when he gets out the car he uses the sunroof.

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FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio.

Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.

A friend of mine thinks that Isaac Newton is joke and was never born.

I told him that Newton was very important for inventing the laws of motion and calculus (which I wish he never had). He still didn't get how important he is in history. I guess he didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

How are people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

If you were born in September.....

it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

I wanted to name my soon to be born son Lance. My wife disagreed. She said Lance is too dated a name. I replied that since medieval times people have being called

Lance a lot.

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

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Men born with large balls should do their best to behave modestly

Otherwise people will think they’re egotesticle

My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

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A 10 year old girl asks her mother "mommy how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied,"Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed starterd to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So...

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs.

I guess it runs in the- wait a minute

I told my pregnant wife that everything is going to change after this baby is born.

Like my name, address, phone number.

What do you call a girl who was born in the desert

Sandy

Born so ugly

The proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth

I was really surprised when I was born.

So much so that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Interviewer: Where were you born?

Me: in India


Interviewer: oh, which part?



Me: What ‘which part’ ..? Whole body was born in India.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

Where was the french fry born?

Greece!

Sorry it’s the only joke I know :(

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They're millennial falcons.

He was born to be a gynecologist.

Dr. Howie Feltersnatch, OB/GYN

I’m so glad I wasn’t born in Germany

Because I can’t speak German

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So my Chinese Zodiac is a rat, and I was conceived and born out of wedlock

I'm very much a Rat Bastard.

My best friend is a Hare for her Chinese Zodiac, and she was planned. — She's clearly a hare-brained scheme.

Why couldn't the woman confess to her husband that she'd been born a man?

She didn't have the balls.

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a m...

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(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises?

I bet his pants fit like a glove..


-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article.

An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".

The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".

The wife continued, "We didn...

Pick-Up Line Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go...

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

This guy born in the 50's called me to ask me the name of that toy that's supposed to come back to you

The boomer rang

Polar Bear Orders Beer

A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he’ll have. The bear says “guess I’ll have a ............... ................ ............... beer.” The bartender asks “Why the big pause?” The polar bear replies. “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

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[Long] [NSFW] A man was born on a Native American reservation with one ballsack

The chief of a Native American reservation had a son who was born with only one ballsack, he was named one-stone because of this. One-stone grew up and moved to a modern day town and told everyone that if they called him One-stone he would kill them, so everyone believed him as he was very strong. O...

What is the name of the musician who was born in the first of April?

Prank Sinatra

My 5 year old daughter was a preemie, she was born 6 weeks early, and was 3 lbs even when she was born.

A couple days later, my fiance said that she is definitely my daughter, I asked her why she said that, and she responded with, cause she came early.

I was born a pessimist

My blood-type is B negative.

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

I used to be a male trapped in a women's body

Then I was born.

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

What do I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to ...

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Once a little boy asked to his father how he was born

Dad says:
\- Well, I got a stick and your mom have a hole, once I put my stick in it and you have born!
The next day, the boy catches a little stick while playing and found a hole in the wall, once he poked a cockroach appeared, he says:

\- Eeeeeeeeeew! I just don't kill you because...

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

I was asked at my last job interview if I was a natural born citizen?

I had to tell the truth: "Nope. Cesarean!

A short joke to cheer you up

Jeff told his friend: "I was named after my father."

His friend said: "But his name is John."
"Yes", Jeff said. "He was named that years before I was even born".

I hear that Legolas from the Lord of the Rings had an older brother, but he died before Legolas was born.

His name was Legofirst.

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

How was I born?

One day, three kids went to their mom. The oldest asked, "Mom how was I named?" The mom said, "Well, when we were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head, so we named you rose." The middle child asked, "Mom, how was I named?" The mom said, "When we were walking out of the hospital a li...

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Native American boy asks his father, the cheif questions

One day a young Native American boy asks his father, "Father, why is my sister's name Flowers in the Wind?" His father The Chief replies, "Well my son, on the morning your sister was born I stepped outside and named her the first thing that I saw. And what I saw was the pedals from flowers running w...

Trump must have been born in Egypt...

He was obviously born in De Nile.

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

You hear about the Italian kid born without any arms?

Poor kid never learned to talk.

Doctor: *handing me my new born baby* I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Me‌‌: *\*handin‌‌g bab‌‌y bac‌‌k t‌‌o him‌‌\** brin‌‌g m‌‌e th‌‌e on‌‌e m‌‌y wif‌‌e made.

I found out today that I was actually born on a freeway

My mom says that's where most accidents happen

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Three men with stutters are in speech therapy

Three men with stutters go to see a (very attractive) speech therapist to help them with their stutters. However, after a few months, the therapy isn't going very well. So, the therapist thinks of a solution...

The next day, therapist says to three men, "Let's try something new," she says, "I...

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

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A guy was born with three testicles..

and had the habit of always make the following statement to any other man he encountered: *"You know that if we sum your balls and my balls, the total would be five?"* Almost everyone was kind of intimidated by this. One day he was riding an elevator and a small, skinny guy entered it. Feeling the u...

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

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“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.

“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?”

“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?”

“About 5 times a year.”

“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a littl...

My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me." He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!" She reasoned...

"Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

How old is a Hong Kong kid born in 1997?

Today is his 50th birthday.

What animal leaves their family after its baby is born?

Bison

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

What do you call someone born in the 1800's?

Dead.

A man sitting in the hospital

with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and ...

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger…

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

People with mosquito-borne encephalitis be like

Yeah, this is big brain time

The next generation

Obi-Wan Kenobi, while hiding on the deserts of Tatooine, happened to meet a charming lady in Mos Eisley. One thing let to another, and soon they were expecting a baby.

As the baby boy was born, the midwife asked Obi-Wan what would be the name of his son.

"Obi-Two Kenobi, naturally"

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Oldie but goodie. A man with no arms and no legs is hanging out on a bridge, crying.

A lady walks up to him and asks “why are you crying?”. The man responds “I was born with no arms and no legs, and life has been cruel. I’ve never felt the embrace of a woman giving me a hug”.

So the lady wraps her arms around him, tells him it’s gonna be okay, but he’s still crying. So she as...

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What do you call a pornstar that was born in the 70s?

Generation XXX

"Do you know my father is a doctor?"

Guy 2: Wow! My father is a doctor too!

Guy 1: Phillip is my last name.

Guy 2 [excited]: Omg! My surname is Phillip too.

Guy 1: I'm 23 years old.

Guy 2: What? Get out of here [laughing], I'm also 23 years old.

Guy 1: Don't tell me that you are born on the 14th of Au...

When I was born, I sure was relieved

I was running out of womb.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em

Even if it's from behind

A man asked his brother to name his soon to be born twins.

The brother said that he would be honoured to do so.

When the twins came, the man asked his brother which names he had chosen.

“I chose Denise for the girl.” The brother said.

“That’s a nice name. What did you call the boy?” The man replied

“I named him De-nephew” The br...

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