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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

What do you call someone that graduates from medical school with the lowest grades ?

A doctor.

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Dave was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, who was a recent medical graduate.

The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass."


"What???" said Dave. The Doctor repeated patiently, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to ...

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

When they're all 35 years old, they discuss where they should meet up. One friend suggests they should go to the cabin located at the outskirts of a smal...

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate?

Whether Pepsi is ok.

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?" What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?" What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal
arts degree ask? "you want fries with that?"

My sister graduated med school and is growing antsy at her minimal workload

She just needs to have patients.

A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.

"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.

"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."

"No one does. That's how it survives."

Graduate degree fishing

So there’s a guy who wants a graduate degree, but he’s not sure what he wants to study. He remembers a time in his youth where he learned about all different types of fish and things used to catch fish. That memory intrigued him. So he started looking into marine biology, but thought, nah that’s not...

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said;

"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."



Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

A friend of mine graduated from law school but became and alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...

...he just couldn't pass the bar.

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,

it’s their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they’ll graduate from.

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A guy graduated from college and was interviewing for a job...

The interviewer asked ...


What do you think is your worst quality?

Honesty responded the guy


Well I don’t really think that honesty is such a bad quality responded the interviewer...


Well, i don’t really give a fuck what you think

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Golden British humour!

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time & decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space.

Dr. Smith was a Psychiatrist
&
Dr. Jones was a Proctologist (related to colon, anus)


They put u...

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I'm a college graduate!” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I...

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

I translated this joke from Arabic

An engineer school graduate opened a clinic. If he were able to solve the patient's problem he would charge £1000. However, if he couldn't treat the patient he would give them £5000.

The engineer was soon making more money than the real doctor's clinic nearby. The doctor was confused and deci...

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A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...

Thanks to gaming i graduated last year

Without gaming i would have graduated 3 years ago.

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A man meets a woman at a bar and tells her he went to M.I.T

"I graduated in two years" he said as he ordered her a drink. "Now I have a good job."

She was very impressed, but slightly confused. "How did you graduate within two years? I thought most people need at least four?"

"Oh, I'm not that dumb" he said as the drinks arrived. She thought no...

I graduated in Egyptian art

But when I tried to get a job things went sideways

Three graduates are stood in McDonalds.

The economics graduate asks how the business became so successful and made so much money?

The engineering graduate asks how the kitchens were built to maximise production efficiency.

The fine arts graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that?".

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

Embarrassing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "...

To Honor Congressman Louie Gohmert. Texas Aggie

Dude graduates from Texas A&M school of Agriculture, goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't s...

I don't understand why people think that an animation graduate student would not be able to get a job. Well I'm here to tell them they're wrong. I'm working! I'm doing my job making many kids happy...

Happy meals at McDonald's.






Come get your free surprise gift for a limited time only.

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A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so...

I just graduated from university and I'm only 4!

But I guess it's less impressive for those of you aware of factorials.

See you in 96 years when I make my next joke!

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

Why don't farts graduate high school?

Because they always get expelled.

You know what you call the stupidest graduate from the worst medical school in the country?

Doctor.

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

What do you say to a theologian graduate with a good GPA?

"Oh, high marks! How's your sects life?"

An Oxford Graduate walks into a bar

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, ...

Post Grad Plans

When my son graduated high school, he wanted to open up a dispensary, but i wanted him to become a doctor. When it came time to choose I told him: "It’s my way, or the highway.”

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What's the difference between an Art School Graduate and a loose anal sphincter?

One is a failing artist, the other is an ailing fartist.

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

News anchor: So what will you do with the money?

The graduate: I will pay off my student loans.

News anchor: And what will you do with the rest?

The graduate: They'll have to wait...

How can you tell that an ice cube didn’t graduate from college in the US?

Because it has 0 degrees.
Also because it uses the Celsius scale.

What do you call a graduate from culinary school who likes to eat ass?

A colonary expert.

When I told my family I graduated from clown college…

… they all laughed at me.

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. ...

how do graduate students fight?

they fling theses at each other

Timbuktu

The National poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”

First to recite his poe...

Texan: “Where are you from?”

*Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”*

*Texan: “OK, where are you from, jackass?”*

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, One guy looks at the other and says,"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dub...

Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.

"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."

The grad looks at ...

I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in graphic design

I have over 300 confirmed designs and don't have a single job...

What is the difference between a arts graduate and a large pizza ?

Pizza can feed a family of four

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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

How do you get a Liberal Arts graduate off your porch?

Pay for the pizza

My dad told me he worked 3 jobs, had 2 girlfriends, graduated top of his class when he was 21 years old

Nothing is impossible if you can lie

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There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

What did the law graduate say to the arts graduate?

"I'd like a big mac meal with a coke please"

What do you call a can that earns a degree?

A graduated cylinder.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

Father Thomas, having just graduated from seminary school in Kansas, was assigned to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC.

When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Reverend O'Donnell was out, and suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC to see the sights.

As he’s walking down the street, a scantily-clad young woman walks up to him and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father”. Being ...

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated f...

My wife graduated first in her class at culinary school

She graduated Summa Con Queso.

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3 recent college graduates are looking for a job.

They were in the receptionist's office waiting for their interviews. The first one gets called in.
HR manager: "We are a young growing company and we need people with good powers of observation. I want you to make an observation about anything you see in my office and you tell me all about it"...

A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient

Did you hear about the circle that graduated college

Apparently it got three-hundred and sixty degrees

post-graduate plans

My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.

What do Stanford and UCLA graduates have in common?

They applied to Stanford.

What do math majors get when they graduate?

A radian.

Math majors don't use degrees.

A quadriplegic goes off to college but never graduates.

He tried and tried but just couldn't get that leg up.

Finally, at 60, I married my high school sweetheart!

She graduates this year!

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

An economics graduate student crosses the road.

An economics graduate student was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The student picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beauti...

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