UPJOKE
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What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school?

A doctor

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Two recent college graduates walk into the mens room at the same time.

They proceed to the urinals to relieve their bladders. When they finish one walks to the sink and washes his hands.
The other about to exit without washing his hands.
Sink guy- at Harvard they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom.
Other guy- at my college they taught us not...

I finally graduated as an expert in female biology

I studied abroad or two

How do you get an Art Major graduate off your porch ?

How do you get an Art Major graduate off your porch ?



Pay for the pizza.

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister.

This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.

The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled "Conway Twitty! Pa, come ...

Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Service in an attempt to lift the burden off of new graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

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A recent college graduate decided to turn to prostitution

Due to his huge student loans and low salary, so he placed a large sign that read:

One sexy time on the floor: 25$

One sexy time on the couch: 50$

One sexy time on the Bed: 100$

Then an old lady sees the sign and quickly runs to the bank makes a quick withdrawal and goes ...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a sociology degree asks,
"Do you want fries with tha...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

Three College Graduates in McDonald's

Three recent college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said, "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise".

"Yes", the geology graduate said, "They also contacte...

Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together

Best friends Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together. While Peter was very smart, Paul had a difficult time with schoolwork, so Peter would let him copy his homework to make sure he could pass his classes.



As the time approached for their interview with the bishop, Pau...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day in...

Murphy's Pub

**Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”**

**The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”**

**The first one says, “So am I!...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

A dishonest college graduate wrote “PhD” on his transcript

I guess you could say he doctored it

A girl looking for a job

A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the...

A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.

When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and...

What did the daddy fire say to the mommy fire when their child graduated?

"That's ar-son"

What do you call a candy cane with graduated markings?

A measure-mint device.

what do you call medical students who graduated online?

google docs

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

What's the difference between a street cat and a philosophy graduate?

One is sad to look at because it's depressing. The other is a cat.

A dentist graduated from Hogwarts...

He’s now known as the “Wizard of Aahhhs”

Proud University Graduates

Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing

their graduation gowns.

Cab Driver : “Are you graduates from the city university?”

Young Graduates: “Yes, sir,” they announced proudly. “Class of 2021.”

Cab Driver : ...

Kek day joke: What do you call the person who graduates medical school with the lowest GPA?

Doctor.

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

My brother asked me where I’m going to graduate.

At the living room or the kitchen?

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[NSFW] What do you call a distinguished university graduate who screams in bed?

Magna Cum Loudly

what do you call a cruise full of college graduates?













(a Scholar-ship)

When I graduated high school, my parents enrolled me in medical research

It was a 4-year study of sleep deprivation and alcohol consumption.

Sure, they called it "college", but I knew otherwise.

An Oxford Graduate walks into a bar

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, ...

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

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A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so...

A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.

"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.

"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."

"No one does. That's how it survives."

Mike Tyson just received a graduate level certification in advanced calculus.

He calls it his Mathsters Degree.

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

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I informed all parents that the students will have to remain celebate until they graduate from school

Mr. Dickinson was not happy

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate?

Whether Pepsi is ok.

A graduate student and thesis advisor walk into a bar.

The advisor orders a full draft. They sit in awkward silence for a full year.

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Dave was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, who was a recent medical graduate.

The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass."


"What???" said Dave. The Doctor repeated patiently, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to ...

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A guy graduated from college and was interviewing for a job...

The interviewer asked ...


What do you think is your worst quality?

Honesty responded the guy


Well I don’t really think that honesty is such a bad quality responded the interviewer...


Well, i don’t really give a fuck what you think

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

News anchor: So what will you do with the money?

The graduate: I will pay off my student loans.

News anchor: And what will you do with the rest?

The graduate: They'll have to wait...

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

When they're all 35 years old, they discuss where they should meet up. One friend suggests they should go to the cabin located at the outskirts of a smal...

One night, three women go out to celebrate their college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, “I just gradu...

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

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A girl recently graduated prostitution college with the highest honours.

She was awarded her degree cum louder.

What would you call a graduated penny?

Pennywise.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'l...

What is the difference between a arts graduate and a large pizza ?

Pizza can feed a family of four

Why don't farts graduate high school?

Because they always get expelled.

What school would politicians have to graduate from to be able to fullfill their campaign promises?

Hogwarts.

What do you call a graduate from culinary school who likes to eat ass?

A colonary expert.

What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

What do you say to a theologian graduate with a good GPA?

"Oh, high marks! How's your sects life?"

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

A friend of mine graduated from law school but became and alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...

...he just couldn't pass the bar.

I don't understand why people think that an animation graduate student would not be able to get a job. Well I'm here to tell them they're wrong. I'm working! I'm doing my job making many kids happy...

Happy meals at McDonald's.






Come get your free surprise gift for a limited time only.

What’s the difference between a high school graduate and a college dropout?

Debt.

Graduate degree fishing

So there’s a guy who wants a graduate degree, but he’s not sure what he wants to study. He remembers a time in his youth where he learned about all different types of fish and things used to catch fish. That memory intrigued him. So he started looking into marine biology, but thought, nah that’s not...

You know what you call the stupidest graduate from the worst medical school in the country?

Doctor.

My sister graduated med school and is growing antsy at her minimal workload

She just needs to have patients.

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

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What's the difference between an Art School Graduate and a loose anal sphincter?

One is a failing artist, the other is an ailing fartist.

post-graduate plans

My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.

What do math majors get when they graduate?

A radian.

Math majors don't use degrees.

how do graduate students fight?

they fling theses at each other

What did the law graduate say to the arts graduate?

"I'd like a big mac meal with a coke please"

I just graduated from university and I'm only 4!

But I guess it's less impressive for those of you aware of factorials.

See you in 96 years when I make my next joke!

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A Valentine’s Day Story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

How can you tell that an ice cube didn’t graduate from college in the US?

Because it has 0 degrees.
Also because it uses the Celsius scale.

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

Which educational institute did many Jehovah's Witnesses graduate from?

The School of Hard Knocks.

Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.

"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."

The grad looks at ...

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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said;

"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."



Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”

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Free airplane ride

A group of engineering students received an invitation for a free flight from a local airline. Once onboard, the captain announced that the plane they were on was built by recent graduates from that very same school.

When the announcement concluded, the students looked around and, one by one...

I graduated in Egyptian art

But when I tried to get a job things went sideways

Thanks to gaming i graduated last year

Without gaming i would have graduated 3 years ago.

When I told my family I graduated from clown college…

… they all laughed at me.

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