Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/jokes, but today she is absent.

So today, a subreddit

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Yesterday, I've started reading a book about immortal dog

It was impossible to put down

There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"

He didn't like it so he put it down

I've just started reading a book in braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE...

What do you call a book club that's been reading the same book for years - and yet the members still have no clue as to what it's about?

An Evangelical Christian church.

What did Cinderella say while reading Biology?

I hate Mitosis

I'm reading a book about shipbuilding

It's riveting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reading of last will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two
sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and
a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak.

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, yo...

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.

I just can't put it down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into his marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is in bed reading a book.

He says, ‘'This is the pig I shag when you're not around.” His wife looks up from what she'd reading and says, “That's not a pig, it's a sheep!” He said, “"I was talking to the sheep.”

During a zoom band class the teacher asked a student to name different notes. As he was reading them he stopped suddenly and said, "I forgot what note this is"

A bandmate put an F in the chat.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

An Asian student's mom was reading the test result

"Why do you only get a B- ?! You bring shame to our family"

"But mom, it is a blood test"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

Mum wants me to stop, but it's impossible to put down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

Eskimo Reading Fairy Tales to her son in an Igloo

Mother: "Little Jack Horner, sat in a corner -- "

Son: " -- Mom, what's a corner?"

I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go.

I can't put it down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking,


"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was reading a newspaper

A man was reading a newspaper when his son suddenly barged into the living room. He was all sweaty and out of breath, but had a big smile on his face. “Dad!” exclaimed his son, “I just lost my virginity!” The man put down his newspaper and looked at his son proudly. The young man standing before him...

Donald Trump has never finished reading a novel.

He can't make it passed chapter 11.

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation.

And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

When you have finished reading the dictionary

Every other book is just a remix.

My son saw me reading War and Peace and asked me, “Why is the book so fat?”

I said, “Well,...it’s a long story.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

Turns out I need glasses for reading...

So I made the difficult decision to stop reading.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

## Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

I love reading the local newspaper. Just last week, they had a pun contest and I submitted 10 jokes, hoping that at least one of them would win.

However, no pun in ten did.

A doctor is reading out tests results to an elderly patient.

- Sir, the two test results are in and I’m afraid I have bad news. First of all, you have phase 8 terminal metastasized cancer.
- Oh no.. damned, this is not good.. what else?
- You also have quite a severe case of Alzheimer.
- oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I h...

“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement

In the end you ignore it all and click I agree

What do you call a guy who always refuses to give up his long “reading” sessions on the morning throne?

A Poo’er Aeternus

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.