I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it

I’m reading a book that tries to compare different versions of The Bible.

There is a lot of cross referencing.

A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

5 year old son, after reading story of a king...

Son:......Mom, I also want 5 wifes.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son!

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 5 wifes...

Child: Dad, I'm so happy, I got a B in reading!

Dad: That's a D you idiot!

If your digital multimeter gives a bogus reading, try it again.

It's probably a Fluke.

Im reading about a horrific clothing fire in the china. They have the fire put out already but firemen are still searching the building.

Thankfully they have not discovered any casual Ts.

My wife suggested that I do a little light reading to help me relax

I feel worse than before. My eyes hurt, I have a headache and I only managed to make out the words 'Made in Taiwan 100W".

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”

Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being pers...

I have just been reading into the JFK assassination...

it was Mindblowing...

I’ve been reading a book on helium.

And I just couldn’t put it down.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

I’m reading a book about anti gravity

It’s impossible to put it down

A fat women falls through the floor of her apartment whilst reading the news.

She must be a fast reader as she’s already gone through 10 stories.

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

I was reading this survey the other day...

And accordion to it, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected

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While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe she'...

After reading the thesaurus I have a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms.

They’re unnecessary, worthless and redundant.

I was reading this thriller book the other day in Braille

Must admit... I didn't see that coming

So, after reading a bunch of “self-help” books, I’ve FINALLY found the secret to financial success!!

I think I’m going to write a self-help book!

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

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Grampa what are you reading?

- A history book.
- But that’s a porn book!
- Perhaps for you, for me it is history.

Why did the Romanian stop reading?

They wanted to give the Bucharest

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our ...

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked.



I said, "All of them."

Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants.

It’s non-friction

SPOILER - Just finished reading the supposed classic The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Plot line is utterly full of holes.. I’m furious.

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

It’s so hard to schedule a reading at the library...

... because they are always booked!

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

I've been reading this book about how people have a hard time euthanizing their pets

I just cant put it down

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

I've been reading this sub for a couple of hours, and I'm fed up.

With the amount of reposts on here, I feel like I've already Reddit all.

I tried reading Trump's autobiography but

it kept on going back to Chapter 11.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

I've developed a love for reading while doing cocaine..

One could say I read between the lines.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

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A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wo...

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse

A couple of gentlemen were sitting by the pool at a nudist colony. One of them was reading "Mein Kampf". "Have you read Marx too?", asks one.

"Yes", replies the other, "but I think it's the wicker chairs.".

A man comes home one night to find his blonde wife reading his personal journal.

“I can explain everything,” he begins. She interrupts him midsentence and exclaims, “You’re darn right you’ve got some explaining to do, and you can start with telling me who April, May, and June are!”

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.



Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”



“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

My wife began reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the firs...

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading..

.. when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?" 


HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" 


WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?" 


HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." 


WIFE: "...

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.

It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

I’m reading a really good book about vacuums

I’m just so sucked into it!

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451 and I asked him, “How do you like it?”

Him: It’s pretty lit.

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