I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

I began reading a horror novel in braille. I think something bad is about to happen...

I can feel it.

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

I've developed a love for reading while doing cocaine..

One could say I read between the lines.

I've been reading this sub for a couple of hours, and I'm fed up.

With the amount of reposts on here, I feel like I've already Reddit all.

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse

Growing up my grandma loved reading me Mark Twain. It combined her to favorite activities,

Spending time with her grandson and using the N word.

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

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How do you know if you’re reading a black or a white Fairy Tale?

White: One upon a time...

Black: Y’all Motherfuckers ain’t gonna believe this...

I just finished reading a book on Stockholm syndrome

I didn't care for it much at first, but after a while i could 't put it down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wo...

I was reading a story the other day about a deranged garbage man running around for years, murdering dozens.

Psychologists said he was a diagnosed Suciopath.

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

My wife began reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the firs...

I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451 and I asked him, “How do you like it?”

Him: It’s pretty lit.

A man was sitting reading his Sunday newspaper

when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the horse races yesterday Jenny was the n...

I've been reading up a lot on staring contest strategies.

It's really opened my eyes.

I'm worried about bees reading the valentine's I'm sending out

So in every one I made sure to put a "bee mine"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

A young man becomes a born again Christian after reading a religious flyer at his college.

He doesn’t initially tell his girlfriend, justifying the embarrassment as natural to any young infant in the faith. But in the following weeks his commitment escalates dramatically, and he takes up a position as a Christian missionary to Uganda.
One day the dreaded phone call wakes him up. Ob...

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A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

After reading about the effects of drinking and smoking

I've decided to quit reading.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

A guy is sitting reading the newspaper when his wife hits him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

"What the hell was that for?!", he screams.
"I was emptying your trouser pockets and found a piece of paper with a woman's name and a phone number!"
Thinking quickly, the guy says, "Honey, calm down, that's just the name of a horse i was betting on! The number is for the betting place!"....

I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.

It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.

Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears. He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.

I was at a j...

5 year old son after reading a story about a king

Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives.one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me

Mom:And one will put you to sleep

Son:No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:but who will sleep with your 5 wives?

Son:Let them sleep...

I just finished up reading the dictionary.

It turns out that the Zebra did it.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading..

.. when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?" 


HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" 


WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?" 


HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." 


WIFE: "...

"What are you reading?"

"Quantum physics"

"And why are you holding the book upside down?"

"Doesn't make any difference"

Who would win in a reading contest?

Helen Keller or Floyd Mayweather

A married couple are lying in bed one night...

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval b...

I brought home my report card to proudly show I had received a 'B' in Reading. ..

... but my Mom said, "you numbskull, that's a 'D' !

Two comedians are reading posts on r/jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I've never seen this one before."

I was reading this non-friction book

It was hard to grasp

“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

Why does the pirate laugh when reading a newspaper?

It has the funniest arr-tickles.

What do you call a mind reading satnav?

A Tell-a-path

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was driving home when I passed a brand new subdivision with a big sign reading “LOTS FOR SALE!”...

So I drive on in and screw the bastard who posted that sign because there was nothing there!

Overheard Tim Cook this morning when reading Samsung news about bending screens:

That's it! iFold.

Took a break in my synchronised reading class today

Just to have a chat and make sure everyones on the same page

I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

If we talk about reading like we talk about drugs....

it would be a whole different story.

What do you call a room full of redheads listening to poetry readings?

Ginger snaps

I was just reading that there’s going to be a merger between YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook. Have you heard about this?

Apparently the new company will be called YouTwitFace.

Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.

He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading.

"Why are you reading? How old are you?"

"I'm 19 officer."

"And her?"

"Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

Reading Braille is actually really easy.

I could do it with my eyes closed.

Going to a psychic for a palm reading

-gives psychic hand

-psychic sees wrist

-"These lines are telling me you're depressed"

This woman got mad I was reading the back of her pants

It’s not my fault I have to read things in braille

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was reading an article about top porn searches around the world

It’s titled “what has this world come to”

After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."