This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

## Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something horrible is about to happen...

I can feel it

My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

I just can't put it down.

“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

I just cannot get into reading chinese fiction

There are just too many characters...

Reading the posts here in r/Jokes I realised two things:

\- the 75% of you has problem grammar in English

\- the remaining 45% struggle with Maths

Date night with my wife and as she's reading the menu she asks, "Is anything popping out at you?"

I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."

Reading the wall at the urinal...

"Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand."

I thought, yep. Mine's a real kneeslapper.

I just started reading fishing jokes

Now I’m hooked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

I've been holding off on reading this book about clocks

But I think it's about time

So I was reading the Wikipedia article about Occam’s Razor...

...and the entire concept went completely over my head. I read the article over and over trying to get my head around it but I was totally lost. It got to the point that I started thinking that someone had made the article confusing as a joke. Maybe Occam’s Razor isn’t even a real thing? Maybe its j...

Every decision you made in your life has led you up to reading this moment

You made some poor choices.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands at the foot of his bed next to his wife who is reading...

"See here, this is what I have sex with every time you have a headache." said the farmer.

"Honey, I do believe that is a sheep you are holding." said the wife.

"I do believe I wasn't talking to you." said the farmer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

I've been reading the thesaurus lately

Because the mind is a terrible thing to garbage.


Sorry I know this joke is rubbish

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

Been doing some reading about diarrhea

It’s hereditary and runs in the jeans.

What does a programmer say after reading the fortune they get from a fortune cookie?

Embed

My wife told me to do some light reading at the end of a long day. It was horrible, and now my eyes hurt.

The only thing I was able to make out was "60 watts - made in China"

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munch...

My friend has been reading a book about glue a lot

I guess it’s hard to put down

How do you know you're reading one of Donald Trumps books?

It starts on Chapter 11

TEACHER: you're currently failing english, are you reading for extra credit?

**ME:** I'm reading Animal Farm, the author is so good.

**TEACHER:** orwell?

**ME:** yeah... I meant the author is so well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's, she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe s...

5 year old son, after reading story of a king...

Son:......Mom, I also want 5 wifes.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son!

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 5 wifes...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

I was driving down the highway today and saw a woman in the lane next to me reading a novel while driving

I was so angry that I stopped texting and flipped her off

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

I used to manually insert the current clock reading into my emails with a 60 pt font.

It was a huge paste of time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Israeli men were sitting beside each other. One notices that the other is reading Palestinian propaganda.

He says, "why are you reading that bullshit? The Palestinians want us dead!"

The other says, "well, the Israeli newspapers say "Israel is doomed, the Jews are hated, we're oppressed", but this says "The Jews run the world, Israel runs our governments, the Israelis are taking over"... I like t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

What do people say when reading a repost?

I just Reddit!

Started reading the bible.

Could not bother finishing. Jesus is such a Mary Sue and lacking in any true character development. 1 star.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.