This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”

Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being pers...

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe she'...

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Why did the Romanian stop reading?

They wanted to give the Bucharest

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

Why should you be careful about reading J.R.R. Tolkien's books?

They are Hobbit-forming.

I’m reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

I was reading "The Neverending Story" the other day...

And then "Story of O".

​

But that's a whole different story.

It’s so hard to schedule a reading at the library...

... because they are always booked!

Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants.

It’s non-friction

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

I've been reading this book about how people have a hard time euthanizing their pets

I just cant put it down

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

I tried reading Trump's autobiography but

it kept on going back to Chapter 11.

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

Arguing with a Woman is just like reading a software license agreement.

In the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 76 year-old man is sitting out in the patio reading a book when he is startled by his 72 year-old wife, who comes out wearing lingerie.

She approaches him, extends both her arms out and yells "SUPER SEX?"

Her husband takes one long look at her, his eyes measuring her up and down, and in a calm voice says "I'll take the soup!"

I've been reading this sub for a couple of hours, and I'm fed up.

With the amount of reposts on here, I feel like I've already Reddit all.

A man comes home one night to find his blonde wife reading his personal journal.

“I can explain everything,” he begins. She interrupts him midsentence and exclaims, “You’re darn right you’ve got some explaining to do, and you can start with telling me who April, May, and June are!”

I've developed a love for reading while doing cocaine..

One could say I read between the lines.

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

​

Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

​

“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

I just finished reading a book on Stockholm syndrome

I didn't care for it much at first, but after a while i could 't put it down.

A couple of gentlemen were sitting by the pool at a nudist colony. One of them was reading "Mein Kampf". "Have you read Marx too?", asks one.

"Yes", replies the other, "but I think it's the wicker chairs.".

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse

I’m reading a really good book about vacuums

I’m just so sucked into it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

My wife began reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the firs...

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you know if you’re reading a black or a white Fairy Tale?

White: One upon a time...

Black: Y’all Motherfuckers ain’t gonna believe this...

I was reading a story the other day about a deranged garbage man running around for years, murdering dozens.

Psychologists said he was a diagnosed Suciopath.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

I'm worried about bees reading the valentine's I'm sending out

So in every one I made sure to put a "bee mine"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

A man was sitting reading his Sunday newspaper

when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the horse races yesterday Jenny was the n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451 and I asked him, “How do you like it?”

Him: It’s pretty lit.

I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.

It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading..

.. when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?" 


HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" 


WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?" 


HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." 


WIFE: "...

After reading about the effects of drinking and smoking

I've decided to quit reading.

“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

A guy is sitting reading the newspaper when his wife hits him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

"What the hell was that for?!", he screams.
"I was emptying your trouser pockets and found a piece of paper with a woman's name and a phone number!"
Thinking quickly, the guy says, "Honey, calm down, that's just the name of a horse i was betting on! The number is for the betting place!"....

I just finished up reading the dictionary.

It turns out that the Zebra did it.

5 year old son after reading a story about a king

Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives.one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me

Mom:And one will put you to sleep

Son:No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:but who will sleep with your 5 wives?

Son:Let them sleep...

I brought home my report card to proudly show I had received a 'B' in Reading. ..

... but my Mom said, "you numbskull, that's a 'D' !

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like tha...

Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears. He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.

I was at a j...

"What are you reading?"

"Quantum physics"

"And why are you holding the book upside down?"

"Doesn't make any difference"

Two comedians are reading posts on r/jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I've never seen this one before."

A married couple are lying in bed one night...

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval b...

What do you call a mind reading satnav?

A Tell-a-path

Why does the pirate laugh when reading a newspaper?

It has the funniest arr-tickles.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.