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Reading Jokes

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?

Cramming for finals.

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

I’m reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome

I didn’t like it at first, but it’s growing on me.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you ...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

I am reading a horror story in Braille

Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

My wife was reading the newspaper. She gasped and said, "A dead body was found by the restaurant bins this morning!"

"Those bins must be very observant," I replied.

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

Why did the monkey win the reading contest?

He had the best tail!

(My 7yo daughter came up with this one at breakfast by herself, her first full joke! Didn''t see it in a Google search, figured I'd drop it here for fun. We're now discussing ways to improve it... maybe it would be a writing contest or storytelling contest?)

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

What do you call a will reading?

A dead giveaway.

I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed...

how could anyone stoop so low

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading..

.. when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?" 


HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" 


WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?" 


HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." 


WIFE: "...

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

5 year old son after reading a story of a king:

Son: Mom I also want 5 wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will dance and one will bath me.

Mom: And one will put you to sleep

Son: No mom, I will still sleep with you.

Mom's eyes filled up with tears and said "God bless you son, but who will sleep with your 5 wives?
...

A man is walking down a street when he reads a graffiti...

...saying "The person reading this is an idiot"

This angers him very much, knowing he has been made a fool. So he picks up a stone and starts writing below it:

"The person who wrote this is an idiot"

My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

Girls reading Cinderella only get to the part where it says "Cinderella married the Prince" and stop. They don't read what it says next.

It says "End of fairytale".

My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...

But it put her to sleep.

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

I'm thinking of starting a reading program for inmates...

...but I'm still figuring out the prose and cons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Be...

How do you keep your husband from reading your email?

Rename the folder instruction manual.

This book I've been reading about brown bears spends way too long describing them.

It includes all of the grizzly details.

Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue'

I just cant put it down.

I've just been reading about the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Go on, ask me anything.

The dyslexic book club is reading Nietzsche.

They just got to the part where the dog dies.

I am so bored I started reading the dictionary from start to finish.

I am past caring.

I finally got around to reading Stephen Hawkins’s last book.

It was about time.

Every once in a while I have a cup of tea while I'm reading

It's a novelty

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

I can't stand reading unoriginal jokes on reddit

Thankfully, I spend most of the day sat down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism"

It was fucking shit.

What's the hardest part about reading a Veterinarian book?

Putting it down

I just finished reading a biography of JFK

The ending was mind-blowing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's a nice bit of light reading.

A man was relaxing, reading his Sunday newspaper...

There was a knock on the door, he begrudgingly got up to answer. There was no one there. He looked around, and just as he was about to go back in, a voice said "hi, how are you doing today?"
He angrily stared down at a Snail, who was smiling up at him. He picked up the Snail and gave it a hefty ...

I’m currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.

It’s an autobiography.

A man sits next to a young girl on an airplane. She’s reading her Bible…

Man: What are you reading about?

Girl: The story of Jonah getting eaten by a whale

Man: You can’t seriously believe he was actually eaten by a whale and lived…

Girl: I do.

Man: How can you know

Girl: I’ll know once I get to heaven and ask him

Man: What if h...

Reading The Writing On The Wall...

I used to spend long hours working on my "rubbing-up-against-strangers-in-public" technique...

...until I got my *new* pair of glasses and re-read that motivational poster on the break-room wall.

So, my bad... it turns out it does *not* say : "Practice Makes Pervert"

People don't like me reading over their shoulder on trains

And that's ridiculous because I'm not even that loud and I do all the voices.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reading Cormack McCarthy's ~The Crossing.

You hear about the Texas lion and the New Mexico lion? the old man said.
No sir. I dont believe so.
There was this Texas lion and this New Mexico lion. They split up on the divide and went off to hunt. Agreed to meet up in the spring and see how they’d done and all and whenever they done it wh...

I am reading an autobiography of a double amputee…

It’s called “A Farewell To Arms”.

I got an email offering the secret to reading maps backwards

It was spam

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

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