UPJOKE
instructlearnunteacheducateteachertraintutorindoctrinateblackbeardthatchteachingmentorspoonfeedlessonscience

Taught Jokes

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My science teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

I taught a wolf to meditate

Now he’s aware wolf

Today I taught my son a valuable life lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that many people will not believe you, even when you tell the truth.

I was taught to always follow my dreams no matter what.

So now I just need to rescue my boss’s wooden horse from the pool that’s filled with spaghetti before the Egyptian soccer team gets back from practice.
“Rachel from middle school? What are you doing here?”

When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...

I'm starting to believe him.

I'd like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of 'many'

it really means a lot

I’ve always been taught to embrace my mistakes

It’s why I hug my kids each night before bed

To my elementary school math teacher who first taught me subtraction…

…Thank you for encouraging me to make a difference.

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

My dad taught me one thing "deny, deny, deny"

...but he'd say he never said that.

If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it.

Because
#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**

IF JFK taught me one thing...

The best way to clear your head is to take a ride in your car.

My grandfather taught me the value of getting top quality speakers.

It was sound advice.

I taught English in Germany.

The first day I taught them everything beginning with A.

The second day I taught them everything beginning with B.

D Day was a bit tricky.

What Covid-19 has taught me....

America is a 3rd world country wearing a Gucci belt.

I taught a class on invisibility once

Nobody showed up.

I discovered one day that my dad drives just like his uncle taught him.

He is driving and we get to a red light and he goes right through it.

I said "didn't you see that red light?"

He said "yes I seen the red light, don't worry about them red lights. My uncle never stopped for red lights in his whole life. My uncle is the best driver in the world."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog Morse code!

Dog: [taps paw]


Me: What did it say??


Scientist: "Woof."

A kind stranger recently taught me the meaning of Plethora ....

Thank you kind sir, It means a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals

At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals.

I typed XXX on Google and the Romans came out naked..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son has taught me many things.

The main one is that you should never have unprotected sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once taught a kindergarten class

I was briefed on one of the students, Timmy, who came from a rough family.

One day I decided to do an alphabet exercise where students would raise their hand to tell me a word that started with "A," then, "B," then, "C" and so on.

For, "A" Timmy had his hand up and he was very excitedl...

I just taught myself the meaning of the word "autodidact".

That's it.

I recently taught my daughter the definition of bargain

She said “thanks dad that means a great deal”

I taught my young daugther to switch out the discs in my PS4 for me.

It was a real game changer.

Why was the bride so quiet on her wedding night ?

She was taught never to talk with her mouth full

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

Do you know why Snape never taught herbology?

Because he couldn't keep his Lilly alive.

Over the last couple of months I've taught myself Morse code.

I've been trying to use it in lots of different situations. I taught the dogs commands in Morse code by tapping on the floor. I communicate to the wife from different parts in the house by clapping my hands in Morse code. Lately I've been refusing to speak out loud whenever possible. My wife says if...

If Minecraft has ever taught us anything...

It’s that you shouldn’t spend diamonds on hoes

Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false

1. Pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled

I've finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine.

He’s a Bordeaux Collie



And yes, he paws it himself...

If Snapchat has taught me anything ...

... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.

Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work."

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever...

Yesterday my wife taught the car a new trick.

She taught it to roll over.

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him thr...

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

I taught my parents something today...

...I guess they learned from their mistake

I taught my dog to climb a ladder...

...because he specializes in roofing.

What Reddit taught me...

If I'm doing that too much, I should do it again after 51 seconds.

What do you call a university class taught by a cannibal?

A Hannibal Lecture

Just taught my kids about taxes

by eating 38% of their ice cream.

A man and his three daughters

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. ...

/r/jokes has taught me

The value of recycling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

Scooby Doo taught me....

that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One thing porn has taught me

When a woman unzips your pants she will always be pleasantly surprised to find a penis

We were always taught the rule, i before e except after c...

But now it's been disproved by science.

My French friend taught me his family's secret recipe for cooking duck in its own fat

I'm his confidant

I taught my dog to play chess.

But he's pretty dumb. I manage to beat him two out of three times.

I’d like to say thanks to the person who taught me the meaning of the word “many”

It really means a lot

Taught the kids how to make a burger from Scratch....

.....they were devastated. Stupid name for a cat anyway

If Hannibal Lecter taught a class about eating people...

He’d give a cannibal lecture

My parents never taught me how to groom my hair.

It all fell on my shoulders.

A joke as told by my grandpa, circa 1985. He was about 75 at the time and his dad taught this to him: Two brick layers were building a wall when they came up a brick short

Get it? A brick short!

Ok ok, most people don't get that joke. Here's a bonus joke:

A man and woman are sitting on a trolley car, she has an annoying yappy dog and he's smoking a cigar.

"Can you put out that nasty cigar?!"

"Can you make that rat shut up?"

The old ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners

but participation is more important than winning

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What every doctor is taught in med school.

"What the patient says he drinks, double. What he says he smokes, triple. Frequency of sexual intercourse, divide by four.”

I was taught to forgive but never forget

So now I walk around full of resentment and suspicion but don't remember why.





I think I'm doing it wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

A man goes to a golf course and tells the club pro he's taught a gorilla to play golf.

The club pro is understandably skeptical, until he glances outside and sees a gorilla holding a golf club.

"The way he drives the ball," the man says, mimicking a huge swing. "Just amazing."

"I'll believe it when I see it," the pro replies.

The man tells the pro, "I'll bet you f...

At school we were always taught the pull-out method doesn't work...

...but like many teenagers, it hasn't stopped the UK trying anyway.

Being married taught me so much about myself

That only my wife seems to know

Being on reddit for 3 years has taught me one thing

Im gonna get ol'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If pornhub has taught me anything...

It’s how to have a good father-daughter relationship

*Remade post cause spelling error in title was killing me*

I taught my son today to play Marco Polo

We opened the cabinet and found China.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the TP shortage has taught us one thing.

It’s that there are way too many assholes out there.

I taught my maths class how to use a protractor,

with varying degrees of success.

You know, playing Tetris has taught me a valuable life lesson.

If you try to fit in, you'll disappear.

I was once taught that stealing will result in karma

I was skeptical until I discovered r/jokes.

Alot of reddits ‘rules’ are things my parents taught me.

I guess I didn’t need them after all.

What the Mayans taught me

The Mayans taught me that if you don't finish something, it's not really the end of the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

My grandfather taught me one thing before he died.

If you smoke a pack of cigarettes a day for 130 years then you will live a long life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

I taught Sodium everything...

If i wasn't there, Sodium would be So Dum

Dad taught me how to swim by throwing me into a lake.

The swimming part was easy. Getting out of the burlap sack took some work.

I was always taught that the punishment for Treason was death.

But apparently it's only 4 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

I've been taught only 25 letters of the alphabet

I still don't know y

As a child I was always taught there is a brain in my skull.

Now I can't get it out of my head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom taught me kissing gets you pregnant

So when I fuck people, I don't use tongue

My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever

Nothing but net

My dad always taught me to fight fire with fire:

Which is probably why he lost his job as a fire fighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1994 Disney taught us simple thing.

Adoption by same-sex couple works.

College taught me a valuable lesson.

I'm still paying for it.

A group of professors were called and sat on a plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off, all the professors were informed that the plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape with the exception of one professor who remained seated with so much confidence and calmness...

So ive always been taught not to talk to strangers

Now my mom keeps asking me why don't I have any friends or a girlfriend and why I never speak to the strange man she's banging that she insist I call step-dad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

When I was younger my dad taught me the easiest way to catch a bear.

First you need to dig a hole about 6 feet wide and 12 feet deep. Then you put a thin layer of ash from a campfire just enough to cover the bottom of the hole. The next step is to place a ring of peas all around the edge of the hole. Then when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hol...

My dad taught me that there are two rules for success:

1) Don't tell all you know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa only taught me one thing...

What cum tastes like.

If Mexican restaurants have taught me anything

it’s that people in Mexico only sleep with their back to a cactus while wearing a forward slanted sombrero.

In the army they taught us to treat our women with duty and honor

But never get duty honor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently there's a lack of sex education being taught in school

Which is why I'm glad the Catholic church has taken matters into their own hands.

I just taught my grown son how to walk

It was a huge weight of my shoulder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.

"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.

The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."

The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"

The third woman ...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

My parents taught me from birth that the coloreds and the whites should be separated.

I mean, that’s just basic laundry.

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

[OC] My friend recently taught his dog how to say "I love you"

I'm still trying to teach my dad.

Bill Gates recently visited a kindergarten and taught the children how to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

A German taught me how to crack eggs today.

It was ei-opening.

I taught my brother how to make his own cheese and now he can't stop!

I created a muenster.

I taught my son about gravity by throwing pasta and sauce at the ceiling

He didn't get it at first, but it wasn't long before the penne dropped.

My girlfriend giving birth to our child has taught me many things.

Like how expensive plane tickets are.

My dad taught me everything I know about passing gas.

I've been under his tootelage my whole life.

My French Coach taught me all I needed to know about losing...

Remember you can’t spell “we” without ‘i’

Now run.

I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!

My mom taught me that it is impossible to hum and wink at the same time...

She also taught me that I was gullible, kind of like the people who are reading this and just tried to hum and wink with ease. Thank mom, I love you!

I asked the carnival worker how the trainer had taught the duck to dance.

He said I don't know, I only turn the hot plate on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my father taught me. NSFW

Johnny was in high school. He was a star athlete, made high honor roll, and had a full ride scholarship to go to an ivy league university. He was handsome except for a small abnormality. He had lost an eye in an accident while he was a toddler. His parents were unable to afford a glass eye and opted...

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

I just want to thank that guy who taught me another word for "distribute"...

It means allot.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.