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Taught Jokes

Today I taught my son a valuable life lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that many people will not believe you, even when you tell the truth.

I taught a class on invisibility once

Nobody showed up.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

I discovered one day that my dad drives just like his uncle taught him.

He is driving and we get to a red light and he goes right through it.

I said "didn't you see that red light?"

He said "yes I seen the red light, don't worry about them red lights. My uncle never stopped for red lights in his whole life. My uncle is the best driver in the world."
...

My dad taught me one thing "deny, deny, deny"

...but he'd say he never said that.

My grandfather taught me the value of getting top quality speakers.

It was sound advice.

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I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My science teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

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A woman joins a country club

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a....

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he sai...

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Winter

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

A kind stranger recently taught me the meaning of Plethora ....

Thank you kind sir, It means a lot.

School students are taught that lying is a sin

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs:

An attractive young woman on a f...

The worm experiment

In front of her 4th grade class a teacher takes 4 glasses and fills them up with brandy, wine, beer and water. Then she puts a worm inside each one and let them sit for the night.

The day after she shows to the students each glass and, without any suprise, all worm but the one in the water ar...

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

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Adam and Eve...

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflecti...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?’

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work."

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever...

I taught a wolf to meditate

Now he’s aware wolf

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A pastor taught his parrot...

A pastor taught his parrot to recite the Lord's Prayer when he pulled a string on the parrot's right leg, and to recite the 23rd psalm when he pulls a string on his left leg. The pastor was showing this to a man in the church, he pulls the right string and the parrot recites the Lord's Prayer. He pu...

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At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals

At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals.

I typed XXX on Google and the Romans came out naked..

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it.

Because
#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**

My French friend taught me his family's secret recipe for cooking duck in its own fat

I'm his confidant

A man goes to a golf course and tells the club pro he's taught a gorilla to play golf.

The club pro is understandably skeptical, until he glances outside and sees a gorilla holding a golf club.

"The way he drives the ball," the man says, mimicking a huge swing. "Just amazing."

"I'll believe it when I see it," the pro replies.

The man tells the pro, "I'll bet you f...

Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.

Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.

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A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

I’d like to say thanks to the person who taught me the meaning of the word “many”

It really means a lot

I taught English in Germany.

The first day I taught them everything beginning with A.

The second day I taught them everything beginning with B.

D Day was a bit tricky.

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Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

I failed Calculus when we reached differentials...

I guess I should have known my limits. I could barely derive anything from what the teacher taught us.

I just taught myself the meaning of the word "autodidact".

That's it.

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

Moses

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the ...

Over the last couple of months I've taught myself Morse code.

I've been trying to use it in lots of different situations. I taught the dogs commands in Morse code by tapping on the floor. I communicate to the wife from different parts in the house by clapping my hands in Morse code. Lately I've been refusing to speak out loud whenever possible. My wife says if...

Did you hear that the televangelist got himself a puppy?

He taught it how to beg and heal.

Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false

1. Pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

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I’ll see you on Tuesday!

There was this teacher who taught 5th grade History at a little school in little suburbia. Every Friday at the end of class, she would speak a famous quote and ask the class with “Who said that?” Whoever the first student who answered correctly was told they could skip class on Monday.

There ...

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

A Cowboy Buys a Horse (long)

A cowboy decided to buy a horse from the preacher. As the money changed hands, the preacher warned him, “Now this isn’t a regular horse. I’ve taught this one different commands. To get him to run, you must say ‘Hallelujah!’ And to make him stop say ‘Amen’. The cowboy thanked him and the preacher lef...

I recently taught my daughter the definition of bargain

She said “thanks dad that means a great deal”

I've finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine.

He’s a Bordeaux Collie



And yes, he paws it himself...

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...

I'm starting to believe him.

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I had just joined a gym 2 days ago.

I joined a gym to get in shape. Hired a personal trainer to be supervised throughout my time in the gym.

He taught me some basic exercises. Day 1 was good.

The next day, there was so much pain. I went to the gym and barely got started when he came and asked -

"Are you feeling a...

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Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

An Arabic family moves to Ireland.

This joke is nsfw, it’s very much a joke an older person would tell. it was told to me awhile back so I might have skimmed past a few details.

On their child’s first day in his new school the teachers asks him his name.

“Mohammed, miss” the boy answered.

The teacher being very ...

What Covid-19 has taught me....

America is a 3rd world country wearing a Gucci belt.

What do you call a university class taught by a cannibal?

A Hannibal Lecture

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A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

White House dinner.

During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize h...

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My son has taught me many things.

The main one is that you should never have unprotected sex.

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My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

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Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'l...

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I once taught a kindergarten class

I was briefed on one of the students, Timmy, who came from a rough family.

One day I decided to do an alphabet exercise where students would raise their hand to tell me a word that started with "A," then, "B," then, "C" and so on.

For, "A" Timmy had his hand up and he was very excitedl...

We were always taught the rule, i before e except after c...

But now it's been disproved by science.

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him thr...

Stalin is planning a visit to a Soviet preschool

In preparing, all of the children are taught to say that all of the best things in the world are available in the Soviet Union.

So, Stalin with his officials and his bodyguards arrives at the school, and he starts talking to the kids and asking them questions:

Firstly, he asks young Al...

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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle after spending years teaching the natives. Suddenly he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, th...

My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever

Nothing but net

If Snapchat has taught me anything ...

... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.

Do you know why Snape never taught herbology?

Because he couldn't keep his Lilly alive.

Taught the kids how to make a burger from Scratch....

.....they were devastated. Stupid name for a cat anyway

I taught my young daugther to switch out the discs in my PS4 for me.

It was a real game changer.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

Sunday off

Six girls, one guy, sailing a boat in the open ocean. Tragedy strikes, and the boat slowly starts to sink. None of the girls know how to swim and they desperately beg the guy to save them. The brawny guy indeed saves all of them.

They end up in a desert island, and wonder what they will do w...

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

I taught my dog to climb a ladder...

...because he specializes in roofing.

My parents never taught me how to groom my hair.

It all fell on my shoulders.

Being on reddit for 3 years has taught me one thing

Im gonna get ol'

My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

IF JFK taught me one thing...

The best way to clear your head is to take a ride in your car.

When I was younger my dad taught me the easiest way to catch a bear.

First you need to dig a hole about 6 feet wide and 12 feet deep. Then you put a thin layer of ash from a campfire just enough to cover the bottom of the hole. The next step is to place a ring of peas all around the edge of the hole. Then when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hol...

I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!

If Hannibal Lecter taught a class about eating people...

He’d give a cannibal lecture

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A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet

They both take a piss into the urinal. As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.



The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"



to which the navy man replies: "In ...

If Minecraft has ever taught us anything...

It’s that you shouldn’t spend diamonds on hoes

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

Dad taught me how to swim by throwing me into a lake.

The swimming part was easy. Getting out of the burlap sack took some work.

You know, playing Tetris has taught me a valuable life lesson.

If you try to fit in, you'll disappear.

Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog Morse code!

Dog: [taps paw]


Me: What did it say??


Scientist: "Woof."

Apple pie and coffee

An immigrant family in the 1890s saved up some money and sent their oldest son to America to work. A year later, he saved up enough to get his brother to America and the two of them worked construction to save up and buy tickets for the rest of the family.


The older brother knew a lot mo...

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if y...

My mom taught me that it is impossible to hum and wink at the same time...

She also taught me that I was gullible, kind of like the people who are reading this and just tried to hum and wink with ease. Thank mom, I love you!

I taught my brother how to make his own cheese and now he can't stop!

I created a muenster.

In the army they taught us to treat our women with duty and honor

But never get duty honor

Just taught my kids about taxes

by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Yesterday my wife taught the car a new trick.

She taught it to roll over.

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Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.

"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.

The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."

The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"

The third woman ...

Why was the bride so quiet on her wedding night ?

She was taught never to talk with her mouth full

I was taught to always go that extra mile for your customers, but people these days just don't appreciate good service.

This week alone I've had three passengers accuse me of kidnap.

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One thing porn has taught me

When a woman unzips your pants she will always be pleasantly surprised to find a penis

I asked my friend if they taught bukkake in school...

I could see it all over her face that they did.

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What every doctor is taught in med school.

"What the patient says he drinks, double. What he says he smokes, triple. Frequency of sexual intercourse, divide by four.”

I was taught to forgive but never forget

So now I walk around full of resentment and suspicion but don't remember why.





I think I'm doing it wrong.

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I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

I taught my son today to play Marco Polo

We opened the cabinet and found China.

I taught my dog to play chess.

But he's pretty dumb. I manage to beat him two out of three times.

I was always taught that the punishment for Treason was death.

But apparently it's only 4 years.

My music teacher taught me how to steal sheet music...

He told me to take notes.

One of the most profound things the Covid epidemic has taught me was...

how my breath smells after a cup of coffee... I apologise everyone that I spoke to after I had my morning cup.

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If the TP shortage has taught us one thing.

It’s that there are way too many assholes out there.

My parents taught me from birth that the coloreds and the whites should be separated.

I mean, that’s just basic laundry.

Bill Gates recently visited a kindergarten and taught the children how to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

Alot of reddits ‘rules’ are things my parents taught me.

I guess I didn’t need them after all.

As a child I was always taught there is a brain in my skull.

Now I can't get it out of my head.

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Two recent college graduates walk into the mens room at the same time.

They proceed to the urinals to relieve their bladders. When they finish one walks to the sink and washes his hands.
The other about to exit without washing his hands.
Sink guy- at Harvard they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom.
Other guy- at my college they taught us not...

I was once taught that stealing will result in karma

I was skeptical until I discovered r/jokes.

I taught my son about gravity by throwing pasta and sauce at the ceiling

He didn't get it at first, but it wasn't long before the penne dropped.

Idk about you guys but my parents never taught me about "the birds and the bees."

So when it came down to doing it, I had no idea how to extract honey from a beehive

At school we were always taught the pull-out method doesn't work...

...but like many teenagers, it hasn't stopped the UK trying anyway.

I was taught in my Journalism class that "Pen is mightier than Sword" and I believed it

But after watching John Wick, I realized it's "Pencil that's mightier than the Sword"

My dad taught me that there are two rules for success:

1) Don't tell all you know.

My car broke down the other day and I tried to remember everything my dad taught me growing up

all I knew was “point the flashlight there”.

I taught my maths class how to use a protractor,

with varying degrees of success.

My dad always taught me to fight fire with fire:

Which is probably why he lost his job as a fire fighter.

I just want to thank that guy who taught me another word for "distribute"...

It means allot.

I asked the carnival worker how the trainer had taught the duck to dance.

He said I don't know, I only turn the hot plate on.

TIL that a class was taught by the wrong stand in teacher and the students knowingly went along with it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

My grandfather taught me one thing before he died.

If you smoke a pack of cigarettes a day for 130 years then you will live a long life.

I've been taught only 25 letters of the alphabet

I still don't know y

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

Did you hear about a saint who trains animals?

He taught his dog to heal

What Reddit taught me...

If I'm doing that too much, I should do it again after 51 seconds.

My girlfriend giving birth to our child has taught me many things.

Like how expensive plane tickets are.

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Apparently there's a lack of sex education being taught in school

Which is why I'm glad the Catholic church has taken matters into their own hands.

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