UPJOKE
educationuniversityacademycollegeteacherclassroomgrammar schoolstudentprimary schoolsecondary schooleducateseminaryschoolhousekindergartenconservatory

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

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Voting is like doing a group project in school

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up

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What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....

Alcohol IS a solution.

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Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

At a girls' boarding school, a WW2 flying ace has been invited to give the Prize Day address

"I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to ..."

At this poi...

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Vladimir Putin visits a school...

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid ...

Why cant Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone...

Because he's dead

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I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said...

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school on Easter

The Sunday school teacher said "Today is all about the resurrection, does anyone know what that is?"

Little Johnny raises his hand....

"I do! And if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to call a doctor!"

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

A little girl was walking home from school when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her.

Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle?

Girl: No.

Man: Come on sweetie, I'll give you five dollars if you ride with me.

Girl: Get away from me or I'll call the cops.

Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me.

Girl: (Starts...

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

Donald Trump visits an elementary school...

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One li...

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

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My 1st grader got home from school and asked me

"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"

And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"

My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"

So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "h...

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Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…

… and their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”

The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”

The ...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her h...

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I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My science teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion...

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober sinc...

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

A blonde girl excitedly arrives home from school.

“Mommy Mommy, all the other kids can only count to 4, but I counted all the way to 10! Is it because I'm blonde Mommy?”

“Yes dear, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The girl returns home the following day even more ecstatic.

“Mommy mommy! When we dressed for gym class, all the oth...

I was horrible in school.

I failed math so many times I can’t even count.

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

What did the buffalo say when he dropped his son off at school?

Bison

Many years ago I went to my High School prom

It was a very involved process.

Leading up to the prom I had to stand in line to get fitted for my tuxedo.

I had to stand in line to reserve the limo for my date.

Then I had to stand in line again to pick my tux up once it was ready.

The day of the prom finally arrived, b...

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A school principal greets a new student and asks his name.

The kid answers, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked.

The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter. The guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

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The Dean of Women at an exclusive all girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said. “Ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

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I was teased about my cock size every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro-soft, and pickled pecker.

9 year old girls sure can make a teacher feel bad.

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A new teacher is assigned to teach geography class in school.

When she enters the classroom, she's horrified by what she sees. The kids are fighting, cursing, throwing chairs, drinking, and smoking.

"Hello class" she says.

"Fuck off, bitch!" the kids shout back.

Crying, the new teacher runs to the principal's office.

The principal...

School joke

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

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I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

Hey girl are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

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I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

One Day At School,

The teacher asked the kids to stand and tell the class what their Father does for a living, spell the occupation and let everyone know what your Dad would do if he was here in the classroom.
First, came Sue. She stands up and says, "My Father is a Baker. B-A-K-E-R. And if he were here today, he w...

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...

The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin.
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"...

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

When I was a child a police officer came to our school and gave a speech on drugs.

I couldn't understand a damn thing he said.

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York...

On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’. ‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said. In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is ...

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

When I was young, I decided to go to medical school…

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange the letters:

P N E I S

to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.

What’s the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-qaeda outpost?

I dunno man I just fly the drone.

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What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

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Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!"...

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."

I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.

He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

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When I was in law school, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

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Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

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A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ...

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A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susie said "I want to be a doctor."

"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."

"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be wh...

I got kicked out of mime school

Must've been something I said

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Where do pornstars go to school ?

F.U.

I went to a tough school.

In English class, the teacher asked 'what comes after a sentence', and someone yelled out 'an appeal'.The science teacher asked the class how to prove the law of gravity. They threw her out the window."I tell you...at the football games, after our team sacked the quarterback, they went after his fam...

We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes.

We never made it to a gig.

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

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A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

A child comes back home from school and tells his dad he learnt a new joke in school.

Dad: Sure, tell me.

Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?

Dad:

Child:

Dad:

Child:

Dad: Is it a p-

The wife, who was listening from the other room comes running in screaming, "SPAGHETTI IT'S SPAGHETTI"

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

A kid comes home from school...

... and so excitedly tells his dad: "Daddy, daddy the teacher asked a question at school today and I was the only one who answered it!"

His father replies: "Congratulations, I am so proud of you! ... But what was the question?

Son: "Who broke the damn window...."

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

I told my Mom that a friend at school called her a MILF.

All she could say was “Which friend?”

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Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]

Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.


Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The fir...

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

First day of school

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybo...

President Bush visits a primary school.

Yes, it’s an old one, Bush was president when I first heard it and I’m keeping it that way.

President Bush visits a primary school and joins a class in a history lesson, when the teacher just asked: “Can somebody tell me what a tragedy is?”

A boy raises his hand and says: “When a bus ...

An elementary school teacher was meeting her new class

She pointed to one student and asked "What does your father do for a living?"

The boy said "My father's a magician! He has a new act that ends with sawing people in half."

"That's wonderful!" said the teacher. "And do you have any siblings?"

"Yes," said the boy- "I have a half...

Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she l...

A little boy was on the school bus after a day at school.

He was driving the bus driver driver crazy by talking about what he had learned about animals in class in a very loud and annoying voice, "If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow, I'd be a calf! If my dad was a rooster and my mom was a hen, I'd be a little chick! If my dad was a gander and my mom ...

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

Why do M&Ms go to school?

Because they want to be a >!Smartie.!<

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This sub is like school in summer

No class.

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A WW2 pilot visited a girls school.

He was talking to the pupils about his time in the battle, and he said, “I was flying in formation when three fuckers came up behind me”.

The teacher quickly interjects, “young ladies, you must understand the ‘Fokker’ is a type of German aeroplane”.

The pilot replies, “yes, but these...

A blonde girl called Jenny came skipping home after school.

"Mommy mommy! Today in school, everyone else only counted to 5, but I counted to 10!"

The mom replies, "That's great honey!"

Jenny then asks, "Is it because I'm blonde?"

"Yes sweetie" says the mom.

The next day, Jenny comes home skipping and calling out "Mommy mommy! To...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who
had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by
t...

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My "go-to" joke in middle school. Mildly NSFW

Superman was flying around the city and was super horny. He spotted Wonder Woman lying on top of a building naked, with her legs spread. He figured he could fly down there, fuck her super fast, and be outta there before she even knew what happened. So Superman flew down at incredible speed, hit it h...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

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School is like a boner..

It's long and hard unless you're Asian.

SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differentl...

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School

With the average velocity of an ejaculation being 28mph, it is too fast for a school zone.

I don't think that's why I got arrested outside the school though.

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Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 47 years old, and you're the principal."

I recently converted an old school bus into a mobile brothel......

I'm calling it the Suck-You-Bus.

After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws.

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

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A medical school graduate starts her residency in a hospital for unusual cases

On her first day, she’s getting a tour of the facility by her supervisor while she takes notes.

They make their way to a room with a man who is masturbating ferociously. The med school grad asks her supervisor, “What disease does this man have?”

“Oh, it’s a very rare disease in whi...

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

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Dirty Ernie is in school and the teacher says

Which one of you kids can give me a word that starts with A? Dirty Ernie raises his hand and is excitedly waving..,,,, the teacher knows Ernie is dirty and so she calls on Jane…Jane says apple….a big red apple …and the teacher is pleased and relieved that Ernie didn’t answer….. she goes onto each le...

I applied for a job with my local school district.

I've never been to university. They said my high school education wasn't good enough. I told them that's their fault not mine.

Soccer is like a high school date…

It's 90 minutes of scoreless action and somehow everyone is proud of themselves.

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What grades did Hitler get in art school?

Not C's

Why can't you tell school school shooting jokes in the US?

Because it's always too soon.

A school library in Florida burned to the ground yesterday.

They lost both books.

(This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

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