UPJOKE
educationuniversityacademycollegeteacherclassroomgrammar schoolstudentprimary schoolsecondary schooleducateseminaryschoolhousekindergartenconservatory

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Mom: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school

Son: But why? Everyone in the school hates me


Mom: Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school


Son: Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?


MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are...

Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.

Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.

I think the reason that schools are so dangerous is because of the name "School"

If we renamed all education centres as "Uterus" then republicans might actually care about what's inside them.

My daughter came home from her first day at school and announced that she "learned how to make babies"

You drop the "y" and add "ies".

In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?

Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.

What would Ted Cruz have done in the school shooting if he was the responding police officer?

He would have packed his bags and leave for Cancun, citing his daughters don't go that school.

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

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When I was in law school, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Freddie Mercury went to school to be a pilot, but he failed the license test.

He flew, a little high, a little low and any way the wind blows…

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Joke I heard in middle school [1990] and is still funny

A man gets sick of the rat race and decides to retire to farming. Goes to farmer's market to buy livestock. Goes to buy a hen. Seller says, 'Here ya go but here in the country, we call that a poullette (pullit). Man says, 'Okay.'

Man Goes to buy a rooster. Seller says, 'Here in the country...

German Joke from the 1910's

My grandfather told me this joke in the 1960's, when I was a kid. He had heard it when he was a kid in the 1910's (he was born in 1904), in Hungary:

Some boys were walking to school in the morning, and on the way they passed a plum tree. There were plums all over the ground under the tree, s...

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face.

She told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, salty."

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My principal wanted to suspend me because I showed up to school wasted

...but he didn't when he realized I can't hang

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"Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin"

"Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop"

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

Hair loss competition

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks. "Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'...

awkward situation growing up

when he was 15 years old, his friend gave him condoms, just as a prank but he put the condoms aside, because he was only 15.

him and his friends were learning karate from a friend Mike, Mike was a black belt in Karate the rest of them learning from him were beginner yellow belts.

his ...

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A young Spanish teacher, fresh out of college, is hired at a public school.

On her first day, the principal decides to observe, and sits down next to Little Johnny. She starts writing a sentence in Spanish on the board. As she does, a piece of chalk breaks and she bends down to pick it up. When she finishes writing her sentence, she asks, "Now, kids, who can translate this ...

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

Where are the idiots?

Every day, Dad drives Johnny to school. One day because of emergency, Mom has to drive.

So while on the road, Johnny looked left and right with a quizzical look. Mom noticed it and asked:

Mom: what's wrong Johnny?

Johnny: I wonder where are the idiots today. When Dad's driving,...

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-Johnny you can't bring your cat to the school you're gonna be in trouble for it

\-I know but I can't leave it at home

\-why ?

\-I heard my dad talking to my mum and said : "once the kid goes to school I'm gonna eat that pussy"

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ...

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

Abe's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.

"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"

"Oy vay!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $10"

Life saving

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff? " the frustrated student blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later th...

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

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My friend from high-school and I reunited.

Hes more successful than me but we are both married and we share the same wedding day.
I asked him what he got his wife for their anniversary.
I got her a diamond necklace, and a Mercedes.
Why both I asked
So if she doesn't like the jewelry, she still has the car to return it.
My ...

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

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It’s a bird… errr

A mother and her young son were traveling to school early one morning when they unexpectedly got behind a garbage truck.

After following the garbage truck for a little bit there was trash occasionally falling out of the back of the truck. All of a sudden a giant purple dildo came flying out ...

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

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So my crush from high school came into my work today & we had sexy time!

I work at a morgue.

Find it

Tyler was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler ...

Your face is so ugly

when your momma dropped you off to school she got a littering fine

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Yo Mama's so old... and stupid... and fat.

Yo Mama's so old she remembers when Captain Caveman was a lieutenant,

yo Mama's so old, when she went to school history class was just one paragraph.

yo Mama's so stupid, she has a glow in the dark sundial in her garden,

yo Mama's so stupid she went to the Dentist to fix her Blu...

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

We have the best schools for it

Did you hear about the kid who bungie jumped from the school's flag pole?

He was suspended

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Lil Maria

Maria is a happy first grader. She's also the only blonde girl in her class. Everyday she gets home and tells her mom about school.

"Mama, today we learned numbers and i could already count to three when noone else could! 1..2..3! Is that cuz im blonde?" " Yes sweetie, that's cuz youre blonde...

I'm taking a class on how to make a banana split.

It's called sundae school.

a very enthusiastic teen

Went to the drug store to get the necessities of his first love making experience.
He said to the pharmacist "I need 12 rubbers. I have a hot date with the school tramp. We are going all the way tonight"

Later that night at his dates house. The girls family invites him in for some dinner...

My dad told me this joke and wanted to share it

One of my dad's teachers when he went to school, came each day with a bicycle and he was always on time.

But one day the teacher was a bit late. But when my dad saw him running into the school with his bicycle by his side he asked;"Why are you dragging your bicycle beside you"

And t...

Ociffer

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. ...

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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The drunk Norwegian hunters

Three Norwegian hunters had been out on their yearly hunting trip. The hunt had been a great success as they all bagged a deer.

So now they were drinking around the campfire like the tradition was after a successful hunt. The three celebrated hard and long since it was the first time they al...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Don't worry, he eventually woke up.

So I was teaching a church Sunday school class this morning and asked the kids what they know about resurrection. Only one child raised her hand and said...

***"I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"***

What did Sigmund Freud say to his high school bully?

"Yo mama so ugly, even your own subconscious don't like her"

There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.

Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door...

An old school practical joke that may work today...

My dad always tells me about a practical joke played on an assistant in a big office setting when he was younger.

The assistant was the guy with the least experience and was in charge of answering the phone. He was not known as someone who was particularly bright.

My dad called posing...

Teacher Gifts

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she...

A kid comes home from school…

…He runs to his mother with tears in his eyes.

“Mom, mom!” he cries, “The kids at school were calling me a hired assassin today!”

His mother looks at him and says: “Don’t worry, son. Tomorrow I’ll swing by the school and settle things.”

“Alright mom,” the child says, “but make i...

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

Did you know fish swim in schools

Except on a Sunday, when they swim in churches and pray to Cod.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 \* 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sc...

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

why did elementary school kids ask their Hispanic janitor about Chinese currency?

Because it takes Juan to know Yuan!

Here's a Lesson They DON'T Teach You in School...

9 x 2 = 57

An immigrant teen is walking home from the supermarket when he sees an older gentleman with a broken down car on the side of the road...

He stops to help and immediately makes a good impression on the older fellow. Eventually they get the car going and the gentleman offers the boy a ride home. The teenager accepts, thinking it would be a great way to get home quickly, considering it's getting late and his mother was probably worried ...

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Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you...

"school" is my answer

Why did the glue get kicked out of art supplies school?

It didn’t adhere to the rules

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

'You should be ashamed,' the father told his son.

Andy, 'When Abraham Lincoln was
your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.'

'Really?' Andy responded. 'Well, when he was your age, he was
president.'

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Uk...

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In high school, my friends and I did a lot of sexual experimentation.

I was in the control group.

A kid brought a ladder to school today.

Apparently, he wanted higher education.

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

I teach public school, and every day I have to keep track of who showed up and who didn't

That's just how I roll

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When I have a baby...

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what friend just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. ...

Jimmy needs an excuse for missing school

He decides to write a letter saying he was sick, but he needs a complex sounding sickness to convince his teachers that it was written by his parents. He googles for one, types and prints out the letter, and hands it to his teacher.

It reads: "Dear Mrs Chen, please excuse Jimmy from school. H...

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Beach Bum Theologian

A scraggly old man use to wander up and down this beach I lived at in Northern California. He'd always grin wide-eyed to whomever he passed proclaiming: "Get ready brother! God is coming!" or "Good morning sister, hope your soul knows God is nigh upon us!" To a potpourri of mixed receptions. Mostly ...

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A Jew walks into a synagogue

A Jewish guy walks into a synagogue and goes straight over to the rabbi. He says: "Rabbi, I need help. I have a big problem with my son. I did all that I could to raise him in the faith. I took him to Sabbath services every Saturday, and sent him to Hebrew school after regular school every Wednesday...

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom....

He saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.


One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.


Litt...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a famous Mexican restaurateur, entered the 6th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teac...

What's every cat's favorite topic in school?

>!String theory!<

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A mother of 100 children makes lunches for them for school.

She pulls out 5 bags of sliced bread and several spreads. She spreads butter on 12 of the bread slices, jam on 8 of them, peanut butter on 18, nutella on 12, more butter on 21 of them, nutella again on 6, jam on 3, and peanut butter on the rest of them. What did she spread the most?

Her legs!

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prize winning pig [long]

The Johnson brothers have had longstanding rivalry with fellow farmers the Taft brothers for a decade. The Taft brothers constantly show them up, and Billy (the oldest) decides he's finally had enough, and this year they are going to win the prize for biggest pig at the county fair. He comes up with...

Every Time We Do It

*It seems that many cultures have their specific style or templates for jokes. When I lived in the Middle East, I noticed a lot of jokes were long, and it was common to include some cultural aspect unfamiliar to me, such as arranged marriage. This is one such example.*

A man had three sons, n...

What was the punishment for the Amish boy who went streaking at school?

He got suspendered.

Son: Mom, do you think the kids at school will pick on me?

Mom: Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would you say that?

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out ...

How to get to Heaven from Ireland (A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher)...

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cl...

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

Just got arrested for blowing up my school’s toilets.

I mean, what did you really expect, building a high school next to a Taco Bell?

an old joke told to me at school by my Latin teacher:

A man goes into a restaurant and orders dinner, then the wine waiter comes over.
"I'd like a bottle of Hock please"
"I beg you pardon, sir?"
"I said a bottle of Hock, you know, as in hic haec hoc"
"Very good sir"
The man eats his meal, but the wine never arrives, so he called the wine...

Hey, does anybody remember that famous multi-personality patient who was the subject of the book Sybil that came out in the '70s? well, I went to high school with her!

A lot of the other kids kind of avoided her, but I thought she was good people.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

Everywhere in the auld country, tales were told of a man named Happy.

Happy wasn’t just a happy-go-lucky kind of fella, he was also the nicest guy you ever would meet. He was polite to everyone. Helped the Shaughnessy twins run their farm after their pa died. Cleared the sidewalks of snow in front of the doctor’s office. Bought Old Lady MacGregor’s cookies when she wa...

Where to young trees go to school?

Elementree school!

Where did Harry Styles go to school?

Watermelon Sugar High

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember...

There are no speed bumps

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Turkey son

A Turkish teen was transferred to do school in Japan to learn about other cultures.
The next day his dad called and asked him how it is going.
The teen tells his dad everything is cool but he is ashamed because when he comes in his solid gold car to school, his classmates come in train.
The...

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Little Johnny was late for school

The teacher asked, "Johnny, why were you late for school?"

Little Johnny replies, "Sorry, Miss, but on my way to school I saw a truck hit a cyclist up the asshole -"

The teacher interrupts little Johnny, "It's rectum, Johnny, it's rectum."

Little Johnny says with a straight face...

My daughter said she's struggling with a mean girl at school

I advised her to tell her that she's average.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

I had to stop going to school after being hit on by my teacher.

The bad news is I’m homeschooled so my teacher just followed me.

The son of a jewish man got repeatedly kicked out of every school for bad behavior

the kid was a delinquent and was eventually kicked out of every school he was sent to. not having any more options the jewish father sent his son the only school left in the area: a christian school run at a church. In the christian school the son got perfect grades and the teachers described him as...

A kid went to Sunday school for the first time.

The teacher asked each of them how their parents had taught them to pray at home.

When asked the kid said, 'I don't know, but I've heard Ma praying a couple of times'.

The teacher asked him to demonstrate, upon which the kid started screaming 'OH GOD YES! OH GOD DON'T STOP! YES, OH GOD...

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

At school the teacher tells the students:

- Children, you have to write an essay that ends with the sentence "Mother, there is only one".

One child presents his essay about the time his mother saved his puppy from being run over and killed: "And that's why I say that mother, there is only one".

Another child presents his essay...

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Skipping First Grade

in 1970, a kindergartner was talking to his mother (the principal) and his father (a foreman at a local oil refinery) and proudly proclaimed that he was too smart for first grade and should be advanced into second grade in the next school year. The mother thought about this for a while and decided ...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

Emergency measures

On behalf of the international community, as a humanitarian measure, we demand that President Putin be admitted to art school on an emergency basis.

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading...

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Sitting in a bar

enjoying a drink a man is surprised when a stunning blonde sits down next to him and says "Hi Steve!"

"Well hello, gorgeous. How did you know my name? I'm certain I'd remember meeting you!"

"Steve, don't you recognize me? It's DAVE!"

"Dave?! Dave the quarterback from high school...

In my first year of college, I had 5 times the number of girlfriends that I had in my four years of high school.

5 x 0 = 0

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At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals

At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals.

I typed XXX on Google and the Romans came out naked..

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I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

I once picked up a Death Note on my way home from School...

I didn't want to lose it so I put my name on it just in case.

Isaac and the Catholic School

Abraham, an Orthodox Jew, has a 13 year old son named Isaac.

Isaac keeps getting sent home from school again for bad behavior. Abraham is at his wits end and doesn’t know what to do. He talks it over with his Catholic neighbor, Frank.

“I don’t know what to do with him,” sighs Abraham...

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“Jimmy, it’s time to wake up.”

“I don’t want to wake up.”

“You have to go to school.”

“I don’t want to go to the school. All the teachers hate me. The students all hate me too.”

“But you must go!”

“Why must I go?”

“You’re the principal.”

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A little boy returns from a school field trip

Joke #134,789 for those that wish to just chuckle now,

Little boy returns from a school field trip to a farm. His mother asks him what he saw and he replied, "Well we saw sheep, goats, chickens, a neat dog, ducks, and a fucker."

"Wait what was the last thing you saw?". The boy answers,...

My daughter came home with her high school art project the other day...

It was a painting she titled "Raining Cheerios".

I asked why she would do a painting of cheerios falling from the sky.

She said: "Because I'm a cerealist"

I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone

At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male pupil: The principal of our school is stupid.

Female pupil: Do you know who I am?


Male pupil: I don’t know.


Female pupil: The principal’s daughter.


Male pupil: Hey, do you know who I am?


Female pupil: I don’t know.


Male pupil: That’s good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor, a nurse and an orderly go to the bathroom together

after they are finished the doctor goes to the sink and washes both her hands all the way to the elbow

the nurse goes to the sink and washes one hand very thoroughly

the orderly stands there and watches them.

As they are leaving, the doctor says with an air of indignation, "In m...

Late for school

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has to tell a big lie explaining why.

The teacher tells the headmaster that she is fed up with his exaggerations.

The headmaster tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he turns up late.

He'll t...

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A little boy never saw his buttocks.

The boy never saw his buttocks all these years. One day at school he did not complete his homework so got a spanking from the teacher on the bottoms. Sobbing he rushed home and to look at the damage turned towards a mirror and shouted..

"Oh my God she split it in half. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Small town

I went to high school in a small town. The school was so small we had driver‘s ed and sex ed in the same car.

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, ...

I used to think I was bad at dating in high school as I never had a girlfriend.

Prince Andrew must have been way worse, he was 45 when he got a high school girlfriend!

What is a headmaster of a wizard school called when falling down the stairs?

Tumbledore

School counselor

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
...

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