This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones that go to school

Hey Girl, are you a school?

Because I'd love to shoot kids inside you

2 blind kids were fighting at school...

A bunch of students started to crowd around the fight. One of the students yelled “I’ve got 20 bucks on the one with the knife!”

Both of them ran away

I don't get the appeal of school shooter jokes.

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

What do you call the person who graduated last in their class at med school?

Doctor

A black Jewish boy comes home from school. He asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

Father says "why do you wanna know that son?"
Boy says "Well there's a kid selling his bike at school for $50. I wanna know if I should offer him $40 or if I should just steal it."

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

What's the difference between anti-vaxx kids, and kids in an American school?

One dies from not getting shots.

The other dies from getting shot.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

Why didn't the sun go back to school?

Because it already has a million degrees

THERE WAS A KIDNAPPING AT SCHOOL TODAY!!!

Don’t worry, though - he woke up.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask th...

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

My 10 year high school reunion was this weekend...

I ran into these twin brothers I hadn’t seen since graduation, and I thought to myself..

“Well, you two still look the same.”

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

A kid in high school really likes this girl and finally gets the courage to ask her to prom.

To his surprise and delight, she says yes. He wants to make this night very special so he decides to get a tuxedo, a limo, and really nice flowers. First, he goes to the tux rental store and sees there is a line, but he waits and finally gets the perfect fit. Next he goes to the car rental store and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

Savvy investors know that this is the time of year to invest in companies that sell supplies for school-goers.

This year, look out for companies like Colt, Smith & Wesson, and Ruger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble at high school for masturbating in the showers...

Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy says to his nursery school teacher...

..."I found a dead cat."

"How do you it was dead?" asked the teacher.

"I pissed in its ear and it didn't move"

"You did what???"

"You know, it didn't move when I leaned over and went 'Pssst' in it's ear"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

My parents are so strict when it comes to school,

that even when I told them I got stung by a Bee, they grounded me because it wasn’t an A.

During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans raises his hand.

"Teacher," he says, "is it true that Russia has the longest streets in the world?"

"I don't know. Why do you ask?" inquires the teacher.

Little Hans replies, "Well, teacher. My grandpa told me how he crawled one street in Stalingrad for two months and never reached the end of it."

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Why do American schools have a moment of silence in the morning?

Because that’s when they let the guns do the talking.

New teacher joined in the school

Teacher- "Boys, tell me your names and hobbies"

1st boy- My name is Jack. My hobby is watching Moon .

2nd boy- My name is Harry. And my hobby is watching Moon .

3rd boy- My name is George & hobby is watching Moon .

Teacher- "wow nice nice, your hobbies are same .....

A school joke

Teacher comes into the classroom and says:
"Everybody who's stupid has to stand up now"
A kid stands up from his desk
The same teacher asks him:
"Why did you stand up?"
The kid says:
"Because i didn't want you to stand only by yourself"

What’s the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani Elementary school?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

Joey and Katie are sitting in school,

Katie is sleeping and the teacher ask her a question. “ Katie, who created heaven and earth?“ Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. “ Jesus Christ Almighty!” Says Katie. “Very good” says the teacher. A similar incident happens the next day. The teacher asks “who is the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son got kicked out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.....

I told him, "*Son that's 3 schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you*".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made e...

What do you call the diabolical leader of a school of tuna?

A fiendish dean fish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

Sometimes I look at my life and envy school bus drivers...

At least all their problems are behind them

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

I just saw my high school teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was......

I was home schooled :(

I'm trying to convince my cousin not to bring a bomb to school.

He thinks it'd be a real blast.

Why did the school kids eat their homework?

>!Because everyone deserves a last meal.!<

One time in the computer lab at my school, next to one of the computers, a mouse started acting up.

So one if my classmates noticed it and said "Oh, there's no batteries in it". So he found two batteries that didn't fit in the mouse *at all* and jammed them in anyway.

Needless to say, we weren't allowed to have any more class pets after that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools because we have class.

A Boyfriend and Girlfriend are Going to Their High School Prom

A boyfriend and a girlfriend are getting ready to go to their high school prom. They're making plans and the girlfriend realizes that the boyfriend hasn't rented his tux, gotten the corsage, and ordered the limo.

"Don't worry the boy says I'll take care of it."

The boy goes to the tail...

Wendy was dared by her male classmate to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him an ice cream that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets ice cream.
Upon reaching home, she bragged to her mom, feeling proud about what she did.
“Oh, Wendy. You do know that he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She say...

Son - Mom, I dont feel like going to school today. The kids are too loud, unruly and mean.

Mom - Remember now, you are the headmaster of the school.

Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.

It will be missed.

I’m afraid my son will start to gain too much weight when he starts school.

I hear it’s normal for pupils to dilate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son came home from school with a black eye

"Where the fuck did you find that thing?" I asked.

While teaching in a junior high school class, the teacher questions a girl.

Teacher: name the thing in human body that can increase upto 4 times in excitement.

Girl: *infuriated * do you really thing this is the right question to ask a girl, I know what you're talking about and you should be ashamed.

Teacher: not only you're wrong, your expectations gonna disa...

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

Having a crush during school makes it 100x better...

and makes the summer 100x worse.

I did not last more than a day as a teacher in Spanish-American school for mentally challenged

Apparently” Buenos, tardes!” is not an appropriate greeting

Batman in school

When Bruce was still a kid and was in school, one day a teacher announced  “Listen, children. We’re going to play a game called ‘Three Questions’. When I come to you, I want you to answer these three questions. What’s your name? What’s your dad’s name? What does Dad do for a living?”

When she...

Attending Jihadi terrorist school

has really been a blast.

It is the day that the shirt numbers are assigned at Coxyham High School Football Club.

Bob, a brilliant player, goes next to coach Mr. Jordan and asks "Hey coach, can I get the number 7? That is my favourite number. Plus, it's the number that Cristiano Ronaldo uses and I think it is the perfect shirt number for a left winger like myself. Please!" "I'll look into it," said Mr. Jordan a...

What does a school shooter have in common with a pirate?

Ar!

I bumped into my school crush in the middle of the street.

She said, "Wow. I haven't seen you for like fourteen years!"


Probably wasn't the right time to say: "Well, I've seen you."

I was walking home from school when I saw a boy on the curb wearing rags and cloths. I asked "Are you an orphan?" He said "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said "Your Parents"

Little johnny is in school one day...

Mrs teacher: Class hand in your homework.

Little johnny: *Can't find homework in his bag*

Mrs teacher: Detention for you little johnny!

Little johnny: Impossible!!!

I just met my high school English teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was and it made me sad because..

.. I was her favorite student and was homeschooled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

What happens if you blast Soviet national anthem in a private school?

It becomes a public school.

Is this the bus to school? 🥴

As the first day of school arrived a mom was anxious to get her mentally impaired son to be able to ride the bus to school , as she dropped him off at the stop she said " when the bus pulls up make sure to ask the driver if this is the bus to school"

So the bus pulls up and the door opens and...

I'm letting my child watch old Looney Tunes and Hanna-Barbera cartoons to get ready to start school.

In the real world, everyone solves all their problems with a gun or a knife, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

School shooters have a huge problem: They will miss their classmates.

One way or the other.

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school keep flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

Why did the school shooter cry?

He missed his classmates.

Why everyone at the school is afraid of the octopus?

He is armed

A high school student struggles to pass his tests but decides, one day, to pull himself together.

After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.

A month passes and the semester is finally over.

He approaches his father and shows him his grades.

The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:



"long time no C".

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.



He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A son comes home from school and hugs his mother crying

He says: I don't want to go back to school and I'll give you two reasons why.



The mother says: Ok, what are your reasons?



Son: All the kids hate me and all the teachers hate me.



Mother: You're going to go back to school, and I'll give you one reason ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.

I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.

The school I went to was so rough that they had to check students for weapons at the gate.

If you didn’t have one, they gave you one.

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

What did the father Buffalo say to his boy before he left for school?

Bison

Hello, I'm looking for the school of animal neurology.

Ah, you'll want to visit the hippocampus then.

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We got in trouble at school for starting up a silent disco

The principal said it wasn’t aloud

Everyone in the senior class of ninja school was marked absent today.

They all got an A+

Which laptop got straight A's in school?

An Acer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In math class a boy is asked how high he thinks the school is.

Boy: "I reckon about 4'8"
Teacher: "That is utterly ridiculous how do you get this idea"
Boy: "Well I'm 5' and I have it up till here with this."
Off course he gets kicked out. Sitting in the yard the Principal comes by and asks what's up.
Boy: "I got kicked out for guessing the school...

What did the acceptance letter to pee school say?

Urine!

"Have you heard that Jim died in a school shooting?"

"What? I thought he was home-schooled."

"His father shot him."

I called my school-time friend after a long while,

He said he was working on a special project called "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".

I was Impressed...

Later I realized that idiot was washing dishes and utensils in warm water under the supervision of his wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who keeps order in a nazi school?

A dissipline Aryan

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It...

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

I left my job as a school teacher to join the military

The risk of getting shot was just too damn high

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

If they repeat high school

aren't they a refresh man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

How do you tell the difference between an isis camp and a school?

Please hurry, time is something I’m running out off

Daddy daddy, i managed to get a role on my school play this year

Dad : What role did you get ?

Son : i gotten the role of a husband with 20 years of marriage.

Dad : aww dont worry son, hope next year you be able to get a speaking role.

Why did the school ban scissors?

To prevent students from cutting class.

Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans...

Because fish swim in schools.

Its a myth that people dont kiss in elementary school, i kissed loads of girls

I miss being a teacher

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son to mother: “mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.”

Mother: “well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.