Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

In school

Teacher: What's 5x2?

Little Ahmed: 10.

Teacher: Very good. And what is 5x3?

Little Ahmed: 9

Teacher: No, try again.

Little Ahmed: 8

Teacher: RUN!

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

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Catholic school girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with t...

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, Ill bring my MP5

So, Hillary Clinton does a presentation at a high school to inform youngsters about politics and encourage them to be more politically active and engage in the civil process more.

After she’s done, she invites people to form a line behind a microphone to ask questions to her. One little fifth grader, called Kennith, steps up to the plate.

“What’s your name?” asks Hillary.

“Kennith,” replies the boy.

Hillary asks, “What’s your question, Kennith?”

...

I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.

He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

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My high school was so small

We had sex education and drivers education in the same car.

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed

I'm not in middle school anymore

Growing up, my teacher wouldn't let me bring my MP3 to school

So I brought my MP5 instead

Back in middle school a kid in my class stole my mood ring.

I still don't know how I feel about it.

What's the difference between an ISIS base and a Muslim school?

I don't know I just fly the drone

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

What are your views on school?

Well, it is an FPS.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

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Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I'm still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop it."

I don’t get school shooting jokes

They must be aimed at a younger audience

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

Why was the school of fish so small?

They were all playing hookie

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My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class.

When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me.

Today I brought my MP5 and everyone started screaming and some weird kids danced.

I got a kid in Africa who I feed, clothe, school, and vaccinate for less than $1/day.

That is nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there.

What do you call the person who finishes last in medical school?

Doctor.

What’s the most popular form of photography in American high schools?

Point and shoot.

Schools are using Honda compact cars for Drivers Ed.

I think that's cool. Kids learn to drive, and get a class in Civics at the same time.

Why did Drake go back to High School?

To pick up his girlfriend

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said “son, that’s three schools this year...

...maybe teaching isn’t for you.”

Sunday school

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench after school...

...Liam looked at Noah.

"Yo dude, did you do anything fun this weekend?"

Noah replied," Not really, how about you?"

"Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night and he had toilet bowls made of pure gold, You wouldn't believe it!"

"No way dude, that's impossible, ...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father

"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

The dad replies, "Why do you want to know, son?"

"Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school.

His mum says what did you learn in school today Johnny?

Johnny replies, obviously not a lot, I have to go again tomorrow.

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

A boy was eating dinner with his parents, after having learned fractions at school.

Wanting to show off, he tried to apply some of what he learned:


Dad: Alright son, how do you want a full burger for dinner?


Son: Can i just half one half please?


Dad: Sure thing!


Mom: Do you want some juice?


Son (with a grin): Can i g...

Donald Trump dropped out of plumbing school

He couldn't fix a leak.

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A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and...

What did the paint do after he got bullied at school?

Oh, he just brushed it off.

Sorry for making a bad paint joke, it's been at the top of my bucket list for a while now.

What do cars get when they’re bad in school?

Suspension.

if a group of fish is called a school

if one leaves, is he called a drop out?

What does a buffalo say to his kid, when sending him to school?

Bison.

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So in school we learned about how you don't give tea to people who don't want tea or are unable to drink it and tea stood in for sex

So what the hell was the Boston Tea Party?

A friend from school came to visit my parents farm. He saw their horse and asked if he could go for a ride. The horse had no saddle so I asked, "You going to ride bareback?"

He replied, "I just want to ride, I don't care what the horse's name is."

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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

I failed Maths so many times in school,

I can't even Count.

Bullies at school make fun of me and call me a terrorist because my name is Victor...

Tomorrow, I'll bring big brother Vector! He will teach them...

TIL that a school bus can only jump over 14 students at a time.

Unrelatedly, I’ve been fired from my job as a bus driver.

What's the difference between a for-profit school and a for-profit prison?

You have to buy your lunch at school.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi? "Second -- what happene...

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Timmy and Sally were at a school dance.......

At the dance Timmy and Sally sat on opposites sides of the hall. Timmy with the boys and Sally with the girls.

They were both born with genetic disorders.

* Timmy was born without a left eye but he wore a wooden prosthetic in its place.
* Sally was born with a cleft palate, the corr...

Someone I know went to a very expensive, exclusive private school.

These kids are so rich, they hire hitmen to do their school shootings.

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

Why do American schools start so early?

Sun’s out guns out!

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

Hey Girl, are you a school?

Because I'd love to shoot kids inside you

American public school is a lot like Vietnam...

You're forced to go and you might get shot

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My girlfriend asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I told her yes.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

I have to speak at my child’s school today

I suppose the old trick of picturing the audience naked if I get nervous doesn’t apply here.

I didn't see you at Ninja school today

Nice work

Did you hear about the kidnapping in school?

They had to wake him up.

Why doesn’t a cracker go to school?

Cuz it’s a cracker!

- my 5 year old

Why did Stalin fail out of school?

He didn't get high enough Marx.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria at a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only one.God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:"Take all you want. God i...

When I was in School this emo girl was caught jacking off her boyfriend. Whether it be in the lunchroom, the classroom, the bathroom, etc. She always was jacking him off.

Last I heard the girl got expelled and the guy got off.

When I was in grade school a girl showed me her "peepee". I showed mine, teacher caught it.

And then they fired me.

Why don't they have music classes in Chinese schools?

Because it teaches kids to play band music.

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A priest and a teacher are running out of a burning school.

The priest yells to the teacher “but what about the kids?!”

“Fuck the kids,” yelled the teacher.

The priest then asks, “Do we even have time for that?”

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

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Registration on the first day back at school in London, England....

Ahmed Al Sheriah ………………………………"here"

Mustafa Al Sheriah …………………………….."here"

Fatima El Bindiri ……………………………….."here"

Ali Acmah Shabeeb ……………………………"here"

Ali Sun Al En ……………………..No answer

Ali Sun Al En?

Little girl...

One time at school, I lost my thesaurus.

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.

Back in my day we didn’t call them school shootings

We called them surprise hide and seek

Little Debbie went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No, they only want to look at your knickers.."

Debbie said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

so a father bought a lie detector machine and he asked his son "did you go to school today"

He said "yes" the machine beeps

then he says "okay okay i went to the movies with some friends" \*beep\*

Finally he admits "fine i went out drinking with some buddies"

the father says "when i was your age i didn't do anything like that" \*beep\*

then the mother says "wow ...

What do you call a Korean high school girl who fights crime in spare time?

Kimchi Possible, obviously

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A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back ...

My son dropped out of school to build houses for horses

I can't complain though, it's a real stable job

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I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school...

I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favorite animal was and when it was my turn I said “Pink Flamingo”

The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principals office. “Why are you here son”, he asked. I to...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

School shooters

I just dont like school shooting jokes i dont know why.

Mabey its just because they're aimed at kids

My daughter came home from school today.

I was taking her lunchbox out of her bag when I saw a quarter in there.

I asked her how she got it, she told me that some boys at school said they would give her a quarter per kiss she gave them.

On the inside, I was furious but remained calm to explain to her that this is wrong.
<...

A dad picked up his child from school...

On the way home , the child asked : "Dad , what does drunk mean ? "

The father responded : " Well , see the 2 cars in front of us , a drunk man would see 4 cars . "

The kid responded : " But dad , there's only one car in front of us . "

When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry

And an F in Physics

A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.

Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."

What's the most important lesson a which learns in school?

Spelling

I gave my sister $30 for school supplies

Apparently that’s only enough for a water gun :/

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

A man walks by a school...

As he reaches the end of the building he noticed the kindergarten play pen and a sign reading 'Watch for Children'. He immediately walks over to the kindergarten play pen and called over the nearest Teacher. Out of his pocket the man pulls out one Timex and two Rolexes and exclaims "I'll take those ...

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

The professors of an engineering school are invited to fly on a new plane

When they arrive, they are told that the plane was built by their students. After hearing this, almost all the teachers run away and leave the plane, except for one.
When is asked "why did you stay in the plane?" He says "i know my students and i am pretty confident that this thing won't even tu...

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I like sex just like school trips.

With consent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny d...

The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask th...

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because it's only the ones who skip school who survive.

My step-dad told me it was pointless to apply to med school because "I was too stupid to be a doctor"

8 years later one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.

I have a new tactic for school exams

Step 1. - Get a australian friend

Step 2. -Call him on the test day

Step 3. -He says results of your test

Step 4. -Ask him for answers

Thats all

sorry if i have bad english its not my native language

When you want to be FAMOUS at school in America...

You'd need a FAMAS.

why can’t you chug beer and do high school math at the same time?

it’s illegal to drink and derive >:(

In school, work determines your marks

In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

So my new nickname on school is "Watch out kid"

I don't know why but they only call me that when I'm near a wet floor sign.

What's the difference between anti-vaxx kids, and kids in an American school?

One dies from not getting shots.

The other dies from getting shot.

Ever wonder what the love life of a high school physics teacher is like?

Assume there is no friction.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

Forgetting your backpack while going to school is bad

But forgetting it while going skydiving is worse

I used to hate school as a kid

My mother would always tell me: you should enjoy school. One day, you'll have to work for a living.

No I won't mom, I'm gonna be a comedian.

The valedictorian from my high school was convicted yesterday as an accessory to murder.

Everyone always said he would accomplice something.

My School doesn’t allow blacks

Can’t believe the dress code here

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

What was Zeus" specialty in medical school?

Surge-ery

One day after school, Wendy was dared by one of her class,ages to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the top and gets her five dollars. Upon reaching home, she told her mom after school, feeling proud of what she did.

“Oh Wendy, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her ...

Dad, I drive my lamborghini to school but I'm unhappy

Text from dad: What's wrong?

Text from son: All the other students take a train

Text from dad: I'm wiring you $10 million, then you can buy a train too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man pulls up alongside a girl walking to school

‘Get in the car‘ he orders

‘No’ says the girl

A few hundred yards down the road, he drives alongside the girl again

‘Come on’ he encourages ‘Get in the car, and I’ll give you a lollipop’

‘No way!’ the girl insists

Further down the road, the man tries once again....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A catholic all boys school went on a trip...

A catholic all boys school was going on a trip to Hawaii. They are on the plane when the pilot says on the radio “Father, can you come up to the cockpit really quick”. So the priest gets up and makes his way over to the pilot. When he gets to him the pilot says “Father, we have a big problem, there ...

In high school math class ...

I owned a car and I was good at calculus. They made me the "designated deriver".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid I remember a joke that went something like this: if your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help your uncle Jack off?, I know not too funny! Well years later my then 8 year old son comes home from school and said he heard a joke, I said let’s hear it. And he said,..,

“If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help him down?” And then said he didn’t get it! I thought it was hilarious!

I had a female Physics teacher in my school.

One day, a guy asked her, "What is the unit of power?"

"That's watt", she said.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

A lady in college complains about how it's taking so long to get through school. I tell her I know, I went for 8 years.

I'm still happy I stopped going after the 8th grade.

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A high school bully sees an old victim at their reunion,

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: Im not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I dont have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

Little Timmy went to school for the first time.

At school, a kid told him that if he wanted to earn money from everybody around him, all he had to say was “I know the whole truth.”

Deciding to test this, when he returned home he told his mother, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother immediately shoved ten dollars at him and said, “D...

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