Not to brag, but I’m fluent in 10 languages.

English and Binary.

What is the least spoken language?

Sign language

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

A parrot that can speak in 5 languages.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. 

Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." 

Th...

Some say that the english language is hard to learn.

But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

Nothing, in the English language, starts with n and ends with g

Nothing

English is the Devil’s language

Why is it spelled: camouflage

And not:

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sign Language in the Shower

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wif...

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual what do you call some who speaks only one language?

American

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

What language do Asian Karen's speak?

Demandarin.

What do you say when you can speak two languages, but keep forgetting vocabulary in both:

I am BYElingual

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English is my first language (50+ years) and I still get confused on how to use some words. For example:

Is it *buttcheeks* or *butt cheeks?*

Are they together or spread apart?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

We all know the app for learning to speak another language is Duolingo but did you know

That to learn to speak in tongues, you need Cunnilingo?

English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the groun...

Scientists have discovered the most important sentence to learn first in ANY language.

My friend will pay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

My wife has been trying to teach our son sign language

I was skeptical at first because she started so young, but he is starting to catch on. Without a word I watched her ask if he was “all done” or “wanted more” food during dinner. He tapped his fingers together, signaling he would like more food. I sat in disbelief as she added more food to his plate....

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s ok if your phone autocorrects “Fuck” to “Duck”

You’re still using Fowl Language.

Here’s Something weird about the English language

Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in G



Spoiler it’s a joke
Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does

English is not my first language.

My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"

What is a ternative?

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language...

it's SCHOOL

What's the roughest language to read?

Braille.

What’s the longest sentence in the English language?

‘I do’.

What are the three shortest words in the English Language?

“Is it in?”

A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny:

A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave.

Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave.

The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.

I went on a date with someone who also spoke the Zulu language

We clicked right away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.

At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive

At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time

At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1...

Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.

A terrible, early form of click bait.

English is a wierd language

Noses run and feet smell

What do you call someone who is fluent in 3 languages and marginally conversant in 4th?

Pi-Lingual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6000 languages in the world

And you chose to talk shit

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language.

We call him the Village Idiom.

What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer : Incorrectly

I met my girlfriend at a African language class

We just clicked!

In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish

all other languages were deemed un-finnished

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers?

Hebrew.

Mice

A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.

The small mice were very impressed. “That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What language is universal to strippers?

Pole-ish

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

A television crew comes to the farm to make an interview with the shephard about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" Asks the reporter.

"Oh, yeah sure." starts the shephard, "So first I wake up, but I really don't wanna so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day. Then I have ...

What language do they speak at the center of the Earth?

Core-ean.

What is the most commonly used computer programming language?

Profanity.

Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand

The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor

What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Language barriers go brrr

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

They say “cellar door” is the prettiest combination of words in the English language,

Unless you live in Boston.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two rights make a wrong

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

“In English”, he explained, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language where a double positive can form a nega...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever read a story that is 100% true but sounds like a joke?

You're about to.

This happened when i was 19, in 2008.

I'm italian, and at the time i was dating this girl that was one year older than me. She was studying oriental languages and cultures at the uni and was also learning chinese (mostly cantonese).

One day we went on a date to ...

What's the official language of Omegle?

ASL

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

A supposedly true story

One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Foul mouthed parrot

An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.

So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.

As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brewster the rooster, the horniest rooster there ever was (NSFW: language)

A lifelong farmer moved to a home much closer to town where he setup a small personal ranch to enjoy retirement with his wife. Among the various equipment and livestock that the new rancher needed, one staple item is a breeding rooster for his new henhouse. He heads to the farm auction the next week...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple is having issues in the bedroom

When the lights are off at night, neither of them can communicate. This leads to a lot of frustration for both of them, since the wife can’t tell the husband whether she’s in the mood or vice-versa. Their marriage counselor suggests coming up with a touch language that will work in the dark, thus no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man thinks his wife cheats on him when he's at work...

He can't afford cameras, and he aint the brightest guy around, so he thinks a parrot will do the trick. He'll watch what's going on in the house when the man's away and tell him when he gets back.



He goes to a store and explains the situation.

\-I got a great selection of parro...

A deaf woman and a blind man are sitting on the subway

The deaf woman says to the guy: *sign language*

And the blind man says:

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

I dont even know what borrowing language is...

But I'll take your word for it.

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in.

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.

The big day...

My parents asked my why i was suddenly learning a foreign language?

I told them, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A condom joke

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmac...

How do pigs communicate?

By using swine language.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

A boy decides to learn a language of all animals

- Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

*Fathers agrees and gives him money*

*After a year, son returns home and father decides to test his skills*

-Son, did you learn the language?
-Yes father. Do you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dog and cat on the porch (NSFW mild language)

A dog and a cat are sitting on the porch on a hot summer day. The dog looks at the cat and says, "sure is hot today".

The cat replies, "HOLY SHIT IT'S A TALKING DOG!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin

A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they s...

my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden

Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender.
And bonus, Donald Drum.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

A lawyer and your client have a meet.

The client has a proposal.

If I get ten years on jail I'll pay you $3.000. If i get five years, I'll pay you $5.000. And if i get 1 year I'll pay you $10.000.

The lawyer says ok and will go negociate with the prosecutor. Than he return and says: You need pay me $10.000. We got it! On...

Math is the language of science.

f(u)√C + k / y(ø)*^(u)*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew my mom was pissed when she cursed in a different language.

Her sign language was on point.

I recently learned sign language

So I can tell jokes people has never heard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food.

It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

What joke is the same in all european languages?

USA

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

I just read that deaf people also talk in their sleep, only in sign language.

Well, at least they don't get bitten by mosquitoes.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.