The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

What’s the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

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There is a new teacher of foreign language in Pepes class

The teacher writes sentences in foreign language on blackboard. Then she calls up the students one by one and asks them for translation until its Pepes turn. Before he can respond they can hear loud knocking.

It is a headmaster. As the teacher is new to her job and freshly graduated the head...

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

If a person can speak two languages they’re bilingual, if they can only speak one...

They’re from the US

The best thing about being able to speak to 2 languages and having kids who can only speak one is that I can swear at them in one language but express love in another...

If only they spoke the 2nd language, they'd know how much I love them.

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

The wrong language

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand ...

What's the best language for Indian word plays?

Punjabi

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

Why do people say "language"?

Saying "language" when hearing a bad word is like saying "transportation" when getting hit by a car.

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

What language do they speak in Poland?

Depends on the year, sometimes it's German and sometimes it's Russian.

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

No wonder Latin is a dead language

They kept summoning demons

I met my girlfriend at an African language class...

We just clicked!

What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?

Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
Trilingual.
What do you call someone that speaks 1 language?
American.

All languages travel at the speed of sound

Except Braille, which depends on how hard you throw the book.

What language a stomach speaks?

Hungarian

I am a member of an online community which appreciates & discusses the programming language C.

We call ourselves the 'C-Men'.

What language do people with colds speak?

Phlegmish

What language do mute mathematicians use?

Sine language

If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,

is it a speech impediment or an accent?

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

What's the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.

There's a mile between each S.

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A joke I translated from my native language....

A guy asks his friend, "My girlfriend's birthday is coming up. What should I give her?"

Friend(jokingly): Of course your dick.

Man(All serious): Don't be ridiculous, I really want to give her something big.

Friend: Give mine.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

What language speaks a typical Belgian beer maker?

Hebrew

The first sentence you should learn when learning a foreign language...

my friend is paying.

A Disney Language Joke I made up

The Disney Princesses had cats. Tiana's was named One, Two, Three, Snow White's was Eins, Zwei, Drei, and Belle's was named Une, Deux, Trois. They decided to put the cats on rafts and race them.

Tiana and Snow White's cats made it to the end, but Belle's died because

Une, Deux, Trois,...

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

[On a date] Her: So, Do you know any other languages?

Him: I don’t speak French, but I know a little German.

Her: Really?

Him: Yes. He’s 3 feet 8, and he lives next door.

You can say about mermaids whatever you want...

But every single one of them can speak their language fluently

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word

I should've cut off her hands as well

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of..

tattoos.

I'm having trouble learning new languages. Every time I try to pronounce "Blyat"...

The Russians look at me funny.

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

Spanish is a tough language

it takes so much time and effort to say even a simple word such as "goal".

My linguist friend hates all languages with accents, slashes, or any funny symbols over Latin letters.

He was born a critic, he lived a critic, but he will *never* diacritic.

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The same word describes my boobs in 2 languages,

Gross

People always ask me if I know any foreign languages...

I feel like saying no will make me look stupid, so I say: “Well, I do know a little Hebrew.”

This always surprises people, since Hebrew doesn’t seem like a popular language: “Oh really?!” They always reply.

To that I respond: “Yeah, he’s about 4 feet tall.”

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-ean

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

People say you can tell a lot about a woman by her body language

But this large woman was talking to me.



And i swear she was speaking gibberish.

What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.

People say Americans can only speak one language, English, but that's not true for all.

I speak English, American, and Australian.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

second language

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language.

Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

I just started taking classes on sign language..

I gotta say, it's pretty handy.

My friend asked me if I knew sign language...

I said I knew a handful of words.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there ....

isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles

what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?

I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down.

"Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.

A child asked her father, "Dad what is language?"

The father smiled, "It's happening as we speak."

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The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

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[NSFW] The rooster decided to enroll in a foreign language class down on the farm...

Should I learn to speak horse, or cow, he wondered. Or pig? Finally, he decided he would learn to speak turkey.

When he came home from class, however he was crying. Mama hen asked him, " did something happen at school today?"

"Yes Mama, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against m...

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..

They were just too Fowl.

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Sometimes too, English can get confused as shit..

Telling someone "you're shit" and "you ain't shit" are both insults. But "you are not shit" is a reassurance.

"You are not the shit" is also an insult, but "You are the shit" is a compliment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you.. "a shitty English Language"

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language.

The audience was left speechless.

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