UPJOKE
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I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

Some say that the english language is hard to learn.

But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

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Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

What coding language do you think God uses?

Probably not Python right?

I hit it off with a girl I met at my African language class

We just clicked!

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

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Three college kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ Steak, and eggs," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks her middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ steak, and eggs for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks her youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the...

Should we adopt a universal language?

A) Yes

B) Tidak

C) nuk e di

Dr. Samuel Johnson, author of the first great dictionary of English language, was visited by a delegation of respectable ladies of London.

“Dr Johnson,” they said, “we congratulate you for omitting all indecent or obscene words from your dictionary.”

“Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.

After asking the ...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

Foreign Language

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No resp...

An old joke in my native language.

In a country, all the idiots lived together in a big town. One day, their leader dies. He had two children. Both of them were eligible to be the leader. They were quite confused who should be their leader. So, they visit a saint for advice.

The saint says: "Whoever will answer my question cor...

Why can't pirates use sign language?

Because the hook makes everything sound like a question.

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What is the greatest word in the English language?

The obvious answer is greatest.

But the true answer is Fuck.

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Sign language

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.


After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to...

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Translated joke from a south Asian language.

I tried my best. I'm pulling this from memory. Changed a lot of stuff, and added a buttload of new things to make this seem as normal as possible. Enjoy!

> The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a ...

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

A student taking Greek as a second language went to the gymnasium

A few minutes later they were arrested on misdemeanor charges.

What are the only two words in the English language that have two U’s together?

Vacuum and Sheep.

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-rean

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Humans aren't the only creatures who stutter [NSFW for language]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. *"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"* she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, *"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."*

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to ...

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

What language do male teabags speak?

Hebrew

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language...

...entirely out of tattoos.

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

About a week ago I decided to try and learn sign language

Turns out it's very handy.

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The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

The Dean at the community college called in her English as a Second Language (ESL) professor after all of his students stormed out of his first class and withdrew from the college.

"What in the world did you do to those students to make them all leave on the first day of class?", she asked him.

"Not much, I just gave them one sentence to read.", he replied.

"What was the sentence?", she wanted to know.

"John thought he was being thorough although all he di...

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

Johnny: Mum, Dad I got detention for foul language today

Mum: Oh Johnny... what swear word did you say?

Johnny: I didn't swear! All I did was speak French!

Dad: Yes, but that is indeed a foul language

My sign language comedy show got cancelled today

Apparently nobody there had heard of me

I’m learning sign language…

Not sure if I’m any good at it, but I never heard any complaint.

I just started taking classes on sign language..

I gotta say, it's pretty handy.

What is the longest word in the Spanish language?

Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…

Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.


Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.

Researchers have discovered a lost Hemingway novel where the main character is trying to learn a computer language.

The Old Man and the C.

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.

At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive

At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time

At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1...

german, the language of poets and thinkers

german, the language of poets and thinkers.
also german:

A: we need some new words for all this stuff.

B: okay, what's the first one doing?

A: it's a vehicle that flies.

B: okay. flyingstuff.

A: wow, awesome! okay, the next one is a vehicle that drives.

B...

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

what do you call a deer with no eyes in sign language?

Anything you like. It can't see you.

What did Oedipus's father say when he heard his son using foul language?

"I hope you don't kiss your mother with that mouth."

Language nerds

2 polyglots meet in a bar:

\- Hey, what's up, how's going these days?

\- Same old, just polishing my Finnish... and you?

\- You know me, still trying to finish my Polish.

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

what language do slavic painters speak

A-Cyrillic

What's a pirate's favourite programming language?

R

What's an optometrist's favourite programming language?

C#

What's IKEA's favourite programming language?

Assembly

What's a herpetologist's favourite programming language?

Python

Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

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What is Amber Heard's love language?

Turds of affirmation

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Sign Language in the Shower

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wif...

Hordes of foreigners who speak a different language are pouring into our country through the porous and badly defended border in the wilderness and they are going to cause our society to collapse.

I’m starting to think Rome should do something about those Germans.

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart

A joke from "mind your language"

teacher : \[when you're sick\] you go to the doctor

Spanish student : no, no doctor, doctor killed my uncle in Madrid

\-really ?

\-si, my uncle, he has pain in the chest, he go see doctor, doctor he listen and say "it's all right", t...

My Vietnamese friend is very particular about people pronouncing words in his language correctly, so I called him a “Pho-cist”.

He was pretty offended, and I haven’t seen him since I don’t know, Nguyen.

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

There is a new coding language that no man or woman has learned

It's nonbinary

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So this joke is passed around my childhood and it's in my local language I'll try my best to translate it

Three teenagers decides to take a bath in their local lake, so they get naked started bathing.
After a few minutes a strong wind blows all of their clothes away to the unknown.
Now all three look at each other thinking what to do now, then one thinks that they should get out of the lake run ...

I overheard some people talking about the english language.

I decided to put in my two cents worth. One said that the English language is confusing. "It's," I agreed. The other said, "Oh yeah? Have you had an education on it?" "I've," I responded. "So what? You some kinda english wizard or something?" I responded simply, "Some would say: I'm."

I have very nearly signed up for Danish language classes

I just need to dot the A's and cross the O's

Husband: What's your most hated part of the english language?

Wife: The singular second person personal pronoun.

Husband: What?

Wife: YOU.

English is the Devil’s language

Why is it spelled: camouflage

And not:

In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish

all other languages were deemed un-finnished

I went on a date with someone who also spoke the Zulu language

We clicked right away.

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English is my first language (50+ years) and I still get confused on how to use some words. For example:

Is it *buttcheeks* or *butt cheeks?*

Are they together or spread apart?

Non english speakers, translate the best joke you have from your language. Other redditors will have to guess from what country the joke is.

Obviously, names and places will have to be translated too.

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny:

A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave.

Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave.

The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.

My wife has been trying to teach our son sign language

I was skeptical at first because she started so young, but he is starting to catch on. Without a word I watched her ask if he was “all done” or “wanted more” food during dinner. He tapped his fingers together, signaling he would like more food. I sat in disbelief as she added more food to his plate....

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

What language do anti vax kids speak in?

Ouija board

English is not my first language.

My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"

What is a ternative?

English is a wierd language

Noses run and feet smell

President Donald Trump is great at reading female body language

Too bad he reads it in braille.

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language.

We call him the Village Idiom.

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