Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

If someone that speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone that speaks three languages is trilingual. What is someone that speaks one language?

American

Here’s Something weird about the English language

Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in G



Spoiler it’s a joke
Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does

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What language is universal to strippers?

Pole-ish

I know alot of jokes in sign language.

To bad no one has ever heard them.

What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer : Incorrectly

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Language barriers go brrr

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish

all other languages were deemed un-finnished

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6000 languages in the world

And you chose to talk shit

The English Language is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

What language does a fish speak?

Finnish.

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language.

We call him the Village Idiom.

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.

At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive

At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time

At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1...

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

What language do squids speak?

Inklish.


*A joke my really high bf just made, we don’t know if it’s been said before but here it is anyway*

They say “cellar door” is the prettiest combination of words in the English language,

Unless you live in Boston.

What's the official language of Omegle?

ASL

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Did you know you could masturbate with sign language?

It really cums in handy.

When you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them

Byelingual

What is the most commonly used computer programming language?

Profanity.

I met my girlfriend at a African language class

We just clicked!

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

My parents asked my why i was suddenly learning a foreign language?

I told them, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition "

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart

I dont even know what borrowing language is...

But I'll take your word for it.

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

In my native language (French) we have a very special kind of joke that I'd like to try on an English-speaking audience

Mr & Mrs Rophone have a son, what would his name be?
Mike!

Ok, not the funniest example, but it's already interesting enough to show you a very cultural way of phrasing jokes in France !

A boy decides to learn a language of all animals

- Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

*Fathers agrees and gives him money*

*After a year, son returns home and father decides to test his skills*

-Son, did you learn the language?
-Yes father. Do you...

What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand

The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

\*Kore\*ean

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Dog and cat on the porch (NSFW mild language)

A dog and a cat are sitting on the porch on a hot summer day. The dog looks at the cat and says, "sure is hot today".

The cat replies, "HOLY SHIT IT'S A TALKING DOG!"

my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden

Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender.
And bonus, Donald Drum.

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I knew my mom was pissed when she cursed in a different language.

Her sign language was on point.

A guy started yelling at me in sign language

It was a deaf threat

Math is the language of science.

f(u)√C + k / y(ø)*^(u)*

How the Portuguese language was invented??

A drunk Russian tried to speak Spanish.

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

I recently learned sign language

So I can tell jokes people has never heard

I just read that deaf people also talk in their sleep, only in sign language.

Well, at least they don't get bitten by mosquitoes.

I just learned sign language

I've found it quite handy.

I've made lots of good jokes in sign language...

I assure you, they've never been heard before

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food.

It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.

I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language...

They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore.

I can read any language in the world!

If it is written in English.

This joke is translated from my language.

There was a kid named daisy who went to her parents and asked them a question.

Daisy: hey dad why am I named daisy?

Dad: because when you were first born a daisy fell on your little head.

So her brother who is named bricks went to the dad and said: wnaopa wabwkla woplrn

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Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

I signed up for German language lessons recently. They replied, and I am kind of worried now.

They said, “We have ways of making you talk.”

Only one word in the English Language starts with D and ends in Y

If you don’t believe my check the dictionary

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Not sure if this joke is originally from my language or if it is an old joke which is stolen then translated to my language but thought I’d share it

Three man were lining up to heaven when st. peter explained that their death was not planned and that it has happened due to unforeseen and unknown circumstances. Because of this heaven wasn’t prepared for their coming and would need them to wait outside for a long time. However, pitying their early...

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I'm gonna do my best to translate this from my native language......

there was this guy who was so horny when he went to the doctor, the doctor missed diagnosed him and instead, he prescribed him viagra so the dude became extra hornier that he started fucking everything with a hole, he fucked his wife, daughter than to his son and didn't spare even his mother. so the...

Mathematics is the language of the devil

There are a lot of sins in doing it

What's a Pirate's favorite programming language?

Python.

It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The ...

What's a morticians favorite language?

...Latin.

Just started taking Sign Language classes

Who knew it would come in handy?

native spanish speakers: our language has existed for over 1500 years and is the second-most spoken on earth

**taco bell:** cool... well we made up some new words for y’all

Do you know why “Chicken Run” was as an marked explicit movie?

It has fowl language

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, shits on the floor and leaves.

What joke is the same in all european languages?

USA

Another joke translated from my native language

There's recently been many jokes in languages from people around the world. I though I'd give it a go.


Johnny got a brand new bike and was proudly riding it around his house.
He rode past the kitchen window and yelled to his mom: "hey mom, look! I am riding without my legs". A while la...

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A Joke I've Translated From British Sign Language

Jake and Harry are a gay, teen couple. One day Jake's parents announce they will be going on holiday for the weekend and the house will be empty.

Jake and Harry jump at the chance to get plenty of alone time and spend the weekend having non-stop anal sex.

On the sunday morning Harry re...

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

A joke told in nepali language

Boy 1: the new exchange student in our class doesn’t understand any english

Boy2: how do you know?

Boy 1: yesterday I told her “give me a kiss” and she gave me a slap

When God made the German language

He forgot to press the Space Bar

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

I tried to translate a joke from my native language

A man walks into a gardening store and asks the clerk: "Have you got anything for ants?"
The clerk replies with: "Well, we've got insecticide..."
Tha man frowns and says: "Are you crazy?! It says on the can that it kills them!"

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

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NSFW (language) A blonde woman walks into an elevator...

There is a man already inside so she tries to start a convo with him.

She says to him “TGIF” .

And he responds nonchalantly “SHIT”.

The woman is confused by this and decides to try again by stating “TGIF”.

But the mans response is the same: “SHIT”.

Now she’s getti...

Apologies for bad English this is a regional joke from my language

Bill was announcing in the middle that he could shoplift anything from the store cross the street.
A man heard it and asked him to get 5 kg rice bag from the store.
Bill went in the store and came back with a 5 kg rice bag.
The man who challenged him said :You would be happy to know tha...

She called me "Fevereiro"

I started dating this gorgeous Brazilian girl.

One night, right after having slept with her for the first time, she started to call me *Fevereiro*.

I felt that nickname had a really cool latin vibe, so I went along with it.



After a few weeks, I asked her, "By the way, h...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

Interview for the position of security guard in India

Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?

Candidate: Are the thieves from England?

Why Is C++ Such A Rough Language To Learn?

Because it has a bunch of std's...

A guy goes to the doctor...

... and says "I would like to get castrated".

The doctor is confused saying " Are you sure? That's a big step."

But the guy insists, so the doctor performs the operation.

When the guy gets home his wife asks "Did you get vaccinated?"

He slams his head "ahh VACCINATED"...

Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes

My first language is English.

An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God's communications with humanity before they were re...

Why was the programming language afraid when it entered the arena?

It had enumerable foes.

Who is the grandmother of the French language?

La grammaire.

If you learn all of the european languages, you know which one you have to learn last?

Finnish

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One Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. NSFW

On a Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.

"I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his crude language. She hits him and sends him upstairs. When...

Latin isn't a dead language,

It's still Roman around.

I once took a spanish language course on a cruise ship

And I got lost at si

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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