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Language Jokes

Some say that the english language is hard to learn.

But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

I've decided to learn jokes in sign language

Then I can guarantee no one's heard them before.

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

I hit it off with a girl I met at my African language class

We just clicked!

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

Should we adopt a universal language?

A) Yes

B) Tidak

C) nuk e di

About Language...

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a nega...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has acc...

The shortest sentence in the English language is also the longest

I do

Not to brag, but I’m fluent in 10 languages.

English and Binary.

About a week ago I decided to try and learn sign language

Turns out it's very handy.

What are the only two words in the English language that have two U’s together?

Vacuum and Sheep.

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

I’m learning sign language…

Not sure if I’m any good at it, but I never heard any complaint.

WARNING: This post contains strong language

Biceps, pushups, weightlifting, abs, dumbells, muscles, workout, flexing, situps, pullups

What language do male teabags speak?

Hebrew

My sign language comedy show got cancelled today

Apparently nobody there had heard of me

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Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

i can read any language in the world

I just can't understand it

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

what is the least spoken language in the world?

sign language.

The Dean at the community college called in her English as a Second Language (ESL) professor after all of his students stormed out of his first class and withdrew from the college.

"What in the world did you do to those students to make them all leave on the first day of class?", she asked him.

"Not much, I just gave them one sentence to read.", he replied.

"What was the sentence?", she wanted to know.

"John thought he was being thorough although all he di...

what do you call the situation when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?

Byelingual.

Why can't pirates use sign language?

Because the hook makes everything sound like a question.

I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…

Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.


Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.

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A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

What language do they speak in the middle of the earth?

Coreean

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Humans aren't the only creatures who stutter [NSFW for language]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. *"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"* she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, *"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."*

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to ...

Researchers have discovered a lost Hemingway novel where the main character is trying to learn a computer language.

The Old Man and the C.

A Mandalorian opens a health food store

The store has excellent quality products with the cheapest prices in town. It quickly becomes popular with the locals. The only drawback is all the product labels are written in Mandalorian. If you don't know at least a little of the language, it can sometimes be hard to find what you're looking for...

what do you call a deer with no eyes in sign language?

Anything you like. It can't see you.

Foreign Language

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No resp...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.

After asking the ...

What language do American Pilots speak?

Plane English

An old joke in my native language.

In a country, all the idiots lived together in a big town. One day, their leader dies. He had two children. Both of them were eligible to be the leader. They were quite confused who should be their leader. So, they visit a saint for advice.

The saint says: "Whoever will answer my question cor...

A man goes on a quest to find the oldest joke over made...

A man becomes obsessed with finding the oldest joke in history. He travels to archeological sites around the world and finally discovers a stone tablet that he believes contains the ancient joke. The only problem is that the joke is written in an unknown language. Determined to translate it, he ...

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a bear and a rebbit smoking a joint

A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a rabbit came by. Bear saw the rabbit and invited him to smoke along, and rabbit joined.

After the they smoked one, the bear who was preaty high already asled the rabbit,

Bear: do you feel anything?
Rabbit: no
Bear: hmm, lets smo...

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A priest and an atheist are golfing together…

From the tee, the atheist is playing a great game. He’s already under par and has a clear easy put for the first hole. He takes his shot and misses. “Damn! Missed the bugger!”

The priest is taken aback by the language, but lets it slide. At the next hole, again the atheist is set up for an ea...

A dude shops for a parrot

He’s stepping into a bird store and goes straight to a manager. Listen, he says, it’s a really special occasion and I’m looking for something extraordinary, money is not an issue. Oh, I have just a thing for you, says manager and leads him to a back room. There he shows three parrots and goes, the f...

What did Oedipus's father say when he heard his son using foul language?

"I hope you don't kiss your mother with that mouth."

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

what language do slavic painters speak

A-Cyrillic

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

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A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession

“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”...

Bob was struggling in the bedroom because he couldn't last as long as his wife.

He thought that maybe if he learned some French it would help.

But it didn't.

Then he tried learning German.

That didn't help either.

He tried Spanish, Portuguese, even Sweedish. Nothing worked.

Finally, he gave up. "It doesn't matter what language I lear...

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It's okay if your phone autocorrects 'fuck' to 'duck.'

You're still using fowl language.

Who called it trigonometry and not...

Sin language

Four priests decided to enjoy the beautiful weather and went golfing in polo shirts and khakis.

However, their game was not going well, and after a series of terrible shots, the caddy asked, "Are you guys priests?"

"Yes, we are," replied one of the priests, "Why?"

'Because,' said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

Language nerds

2 polyglots meet in a bar:

\- Hey, what's up, how's going these days?

\- Same old, just polishing my Finnish... and you?

\- You know me, still trying to finish my Polish.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

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What is Amber Heard's love language?

Turds of affirmation

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

Hot dog

(Half of this joke is translated from another language so i don't know if it's as good as the original when told in English)

Two foreigners come to United States for the first time.

They have very little knowledge about U.S. culture,

So they stop at a fast food place.

...

Bad bird

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

What’s the longest word in the English language?

Smiles. There’s a mile between the S’s.

Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand?

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you.

German: Der Hund.

...

Languages, what are they called?

Sorry if you’ve seen this one before, but here it goes:
What do you call someone who speaks three languages-Trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks two languages-Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks one language?

A proud citizen of the United States of America…

german, the language of poets and thinkers

german, the language of poets and thinkers.
also german:

A: we need some new words for all this stuff.

B: okay, what's the first one doing?

A: it's a vehicle that flies.

B: okay. flyingstuff.

A: wow, awesome! okay, the next one is a vehicle that drives.

B...

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

Hordes of foreigners who speak a different language are pouring into our country through the porous and badly defended border in the wilderness and they are going to cause our society to collapse.

I’m starting to think Rome should do something about those Germans.

A joke from "mind your language"

teacher : \[when you're sick\] you go to the doctor

Spanish student : no, no doctor, doctor killed my uncle in Madrid

\-really ?

\-si, my uncle, he has pain in the chest, he go see doctor, doctor he listen and say "it's all right", t...

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On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

What's a pirate's favourite programming language?

R

What's an optometrist's favourite programming language?

C#

What's IKEA's favourite programming language?

Assembly

What's a herpetologist's favourite programming language?

Python

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

English is the lingua franca of the internet, science, aeronautics,

and of using Late Latin phrases concerning an extinct pre-French language to mean "universally spoken".

At the zoo, a kid says to his mother: "mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother".

His mother looked at him and said calmly : "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you".

The kid replied: "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language".

My Vietnamese friend is very particular about people pronouncing words in his language correctly, so I called him a “Pho-cist”.

He was pretty offended, and I haven’t seen him since I don’t know, Nguyen.

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Sign Language in the Shower

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wif...

There is a new coding language that no man or woman has learned

It's nonbinary

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.

At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive

At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time

At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1...

English is the Devil’s language

Why is it spelled: camouflage

And not:

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

I overheard some people talking about the english language.

I decided to put in my two cents worth. One said that the English language is confusing. "It's," I agreed. The other said, "Oh yeah? Have you had an education on it?" "I've," I responded. "So what? You some kinda english wizard or something?" I responded simply, "Some would say: I'm."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this joke is passed around my childhood and it's in my local language I'll try my best to translate it

Three teenagers decides to take a bath in their local lake, so they get naked started bathing.
After a few minutes a strong wind blows all of their clothes away to the unknown.
Now all three look at each other thinking what to do now, then one thinks that they should get out of the lake run ...

What do you call the trend to cancel pineapples?

#Banananas

Husband: What's your most hated part of the english language?

Wife: The singular second person personal pronoun.

Husband: What?

Wife: YOU.

Whenever I need to code..

BASIC is my go to language.

I have very nearly signed up for Danish language classes

I just need to dot the A's and cross the O's

2 Countries separated by a common language

An Englishman went to visit his American cousin who lived in a small fishing village. The village operated it's own cannery. The visit included some sight seeing, hiking and other nature stuff. The Brit noticed that there was almost always fish on the menu and asked his cousin about that. The cousin...

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

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