This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor and a priest are out golfing.

The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor.

"My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game.

The sailor n...

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

What is the least spoken language in the world

Sign language

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If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles

what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?

The word 'nurse' in selected European languages

French: Infirmière

Italian: Infermiera

Spanish: Enfermera

German: Krankenschwester

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down.

"Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-ean

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes too, English can get confused as shit..

Telling someone "you're shit" and "you ain't shit" are both insults. But "you are not shit" is a reassurance.

"You are not the shit" is also an insult, but "You are the shit" is a compliment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you.. "a shitty English Language"

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there ....

isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

What's the shortest three-word sentence in the English language?

Is it in?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

"I'm looking for something by Crowded House in one of the main languages of Switzerland"

"How about 'Don't dream it's over' in German?"
"Genau, genau..."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] The rooster decided to enroll in a foreign language class down on the farm...

Should I learn to speak horse, or cow, he wondered. Or pig? Finally, he decided he would learn to speak turkey.

When he came home from class, however he was crying. Mama hen asked him, " did something happen at school today?"

"Yes Mama, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against m...

Somebody who speaks three languages is trilingual, somebody who speaks two languages is bilingual what is somebody who speaks one language?

American!

I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language.

The audience was left speechless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

That's how mafia works

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to...

Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

I was talking to a South African girl, in her native language, for hours.

We just clicked.

Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..

They were just too Fowl.

I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Language is a weird thing

If you invited some one to your house and said " Well ejaculate , ejaculate on inside" people would probably look at you funny. But if you say " Well cum, cum on inside" no one would even bat an eye.

I just started taking classes on sign language..

I gotta say, it's pretty handy.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...it's correct

I decided to learn sign language.

It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy.

English is a funny language

"Jail" and "Prison" are synonyms.
But, "Jailer" and "Prisoner" are antonyms.

What is a mathematicians favourite language?

Sine language

I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell...

...it was the wurst.

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

What Is The Longest Word In English Language

Smiles.

There is a mile between the 2 S s

English is a difficult language.

"Had had" had had a shocking reaction from the public. They were even more shocked that that "that that " phrase was created.

English can be understood with tough thorough thought, though.

What do the Vikings call their silent language?

Norse Code

My friend told me that I should learn more languages

I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.

TIFU by downloading a movie from an arabic website. The language was dubbed.

And before you all go on saying wrong sub, well, yes, that was arabic too.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

I'm glad I learned sign language.

It's really handy!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

The four most beautiful words in our common language:

I told you so.

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

Can you say a sentence containing 4 different languages?

No.

What do you call a joke made by using sign language?

A jester

How do you greet a German Shepherd in their native language?

Guten Dog!

A Spanish Language Class.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

In...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Watch your language.

Dad and son cuss too much, and mom has had enough. One night she tells them both, "I hear anymore profanity, and so help me, I will not be responsible for my reaction!"

The next morning, mom gets up and heads downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast. Dad follows her and mom asks, "What do...

What language do Porsche drivers speak?

Porschuguese

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."

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He also received standing ovation from the audience.

A politically incorrect joke about language

Investors want to make a holiday resort on an uninhabited island. They hire 3 experts to get life going there.

To the Frenchman they say, "you are in charge of cuisine".

To the German they say, "you are in charge of accommodation".

To the Finn they say, "you are in charge of su...

Master/slave terminology was recently removed from the python programming language so as not to offend anyone.

Looks like PC’s finally won.

Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)

Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them say...

TIL there was once a serial killer that created his own language involving clicks and taps.

He called it “Remorse Code”.

What are the unsaid rules of sign language?

There are none.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

What is Jedi's favourite computer language?

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JabbaScript

\-Borrowed from source

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

New girl at work tonight said she'd majored in Uralic languages, so I had to ask...

"Did you Finnish?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW language]

Two young brothers are talking to each other one morning and one says
"Jimmy we should start swearing. That would make us cool"
Jimmy says "I like that idea Tom, I'll swear at breakfast!"
So the two boys get dressed for school and go down for breakfast. Their Mom asks "Well boys what do you...

Two American tourists were backpacking in Europe

..when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again in Fr...

Why is English considered the easiest language to learn?

Because even the Americans are decent at it!

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sign Language

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then move...

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgus...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...