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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

All languages travel at the speed of sound

Except Braille, which depends on how hard you throw the book.

If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,

is it a speech impediment or an accent?

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

What language do they speak in Poland?

Depends on the year, sometimes it's German and sometimes it's Russian.

What language a stomach speaks?

Hungarian

I am a member of an online community which appreciates & discusses the programming language C.

We call ourselves the 'C-Men'.

What language do people with colds speak?

Phlegmish

A person who speaks 3 languages is called a trilingual, a person who speaks 2 languages is called a bilingual, but what is a person called when they speak only one language?

An American.

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

I met my girlfriend at an African language class...

We just clicked!

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A joke I translated from my native language....

A guy asks his friend, "My girlfriend's birthday is coming up. What should I give her?"

Friend(jokingly): Of course your dick.

Man(All serious): Don't be ridiculous, I really want to give her something big.

Friend: Give mine.

My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word

I should've cut off her hands as well

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

A Disney Language Joke I made up

The Disney Princesses had cats. Tiana's was named One, Two, Three, Snow White's was Eins, Zwei, Drei, and Belle's was named Une, Deux, Trois. They decided to put the cats on rafts and race them.

Tiana and Snow White's cats made it to the end, but Belle's died because

Une, Deux, Trois,...

What language do they speak in Italy

Times New Roman

No wonder Latin is a dead language

They kept summoning demons

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

[On a date] Her: So, Do you know any other languages?

Him: I don’t speak French, but I know a little German.

Her: Really?

Him: Yes. He’s 3 feet 8, and he lives next door.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to visit a country where nobody speaks your language.

The concept is completely foreign to me.

What language speaks a typical Belgian beer maker?

Hebrew

What language does Patrick Star speak

Leedle-ese

Spanish is a tough language

it takes so much time and effort to say even a simple word such as "goal".

What's the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.

There's a mile between each S.

My linguist friend hates all languages with accents, slashes, or any funny symbols over Latin letters.

He was born a critic, he lived a critic, but he will *never* diacritic.

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of..

tattoos.

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

People always ask me if I know any foreign languages...

I feel like saying no will make me look stupid, so I say: “Well, I do know a little Hebrew.”

This always surprises people, since Hebrew doesn’t seem like a popular language: “Oh really?!” They always reply.

To that I respond: “Yeah, he’s about 4 feet tall.”

People say Americans can only speak one language, English, but that's not true for all.

I speak English, American, and Australian.

The first sentence you should learn when learning a foreign language...

my friend is paying.

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The same word describes my boobs in 2 languages,

Gross

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

second language

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language.

People say you can tell a lot about a woman by her body language

But this large woman was talking to me.



And i swear she was speaking gibberish.

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-ean

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...it's correct

What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

A child asked her father, "Dad what is language?"

The father smiled, "It's happening as we speak."

The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down.

"Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.

My friend asked me if I knew sign language...

I said I knew a handful of words.

General to the Cherokee Chief: "You understanding our language?"

Cherokee chief: "I even know your grammar."

If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles

what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

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[NSFW] The rooster decided to enroll in a foreign language class down on the farm...

Should I learn to speak horse, or cow, he wondered. Or pig? Finally, he decided he would learn to speak turkey.

When he came home from class, however he was crying. Mama hen asked him, " did something happen at school today?"

"Yes Mama, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against m...

I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

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Sometimes too, English can get confused as shit..

Telling someone "you're shit" and "you ain't shit" are both insults. But "you are not shit" is a reassurance.

"You are not the shit" is also an insult, but "You are the shit" is a compliment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you.. "a shitty English Language"

I just started taking classes on sign language..

I gotta say, it's pretty handy.

Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..

They were just too Fowl.

I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language.

The audience was left speechless.

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Language is a weird thing

If you invited some one to your house and said " Well ejaculate , ejaculate on inside" people would probably look at you funny. But if you say " Well cum, cum on inside" no one would even bat an eye.

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

I decided to learn sign language.

It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy.

English is a funny language

"Jail" and "Prison" are synonyms.
But, "Jailer" and "Prisoner" are antonyms.

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell...

...it was the wurst.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

I got talking to an African girl the other day in her native language

For hours we just clicked

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The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

What is a mathematicians favourite language?

Sine language

What do the Vikings call their silent language?

Norse Code

I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

My friend told me that I should learn more languages

I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.

TIFU by downloading a movie from an arabic website. The language was dubbed.

And before you all go on saying wrong sub, well, yes, that was arabic too.

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

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