Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

What language do Asian Karen's speak?

Demandarin.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

What are the three shortest words in the English Language?

“Is it in?”

Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres.

Person: <signing> How so?

Me: <signing> You see what I mean?

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny:

A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave.

Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave.

The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.

My wife has been trying to teach our son sign language

I was skeptical at first because she started so young, but he is starting to catch on. Without a word I watched her ask if he was “all done” or “wanted more” food during dinner. He tapped his fingers together, signaling he would like more food. I sat in disbelief as she added more food to his plate....

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

What are some concepts of jokes that work in another language, but not in english?

In danish, if you keep saying the word "amen", it becomes our expression of "yummy".

Which means as a silly joke, you could make a religion that praises food, and instead of ending a prayer with amen it goes "amenamenamenam" aka. "Yum yum yum yum"

I went on a date with someone who also spoke the Zulu language

We clicked right away.

What's the roughest language to read?

Braille.

English is not my first language.

My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"

What is a ternative?

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

What’s the longest sentence in the English language?

‘I do’.

Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.

A terrible, early form of click bait.

If someone that speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone that speaks three languages is trilingual. What is someone that speaks one language?

American

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

Here’s Something weird about the English language

Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in G



Spoiler it’s a joke
Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

It's good to know sign language.

It's pretty handy.

Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language...

it's SCHOOL

What do you call someone who is fluent in 3 languages and marginally conversant in 4th?

Pi-Lingual.

I speak two different languages

Formal and informal

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

English is a wierd language

Noses run and feet smell

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First word I learnt in the Japanese language

Do you know what the funny thing is? People say you can't learn any Japanese from anime or any other form of film/movie from Japan. But just yesterday I recognised one word and that word was "Pervert." That was the first time I understood a single word in the Japanese language. Really shows a lot ab...

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.

At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive

At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time

At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1...

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6000 languages in the world

And you chose to talk shit

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language.

We call him the Village Idiom.

What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer : Incorrectly

I met my girlfriend at a African language class

We just clicked!

In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish

all other languages were deemed un-finnished

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

The English Language is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers?

Hebrew.

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What language is universal to strippers?

Pole-ish

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A man walks into a bank and says to the the clerk, “I want to open a fucking account in this damn bank.”

The woman, astonished, replies: “I beg your pardon, such language is not tolerated in our bank.”

She then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the clerk shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.

They both re...

What language do they speak at the center of the Earth?

Core-ean.

What's the official language of Omegle?

ASL

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

What is the most commonly used computer programming language?

Profanity.

What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine

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Language barriers go brrr

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

When you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them

Byelingual

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart

In my native language (French) we have a very special kind of joke that I'd like to try on an English-speaking audience

Mr & Mrs Rophone have a son, what would his name be?
Mike!

Ok, not the funniest example, but it's already interesting enough to show you a very cultural way of phrasing jokes in France !

I dont even know what borrowing language is...

But I'll take your word for it.

A boy decides to learn a language of all animals

- Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

*Fathers agrees and gives him money*

*After a year, son returns home and father decides to test his skills*

-Son, did you learn the language?
-Yes father. Do you...

Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand

The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

My parents asked my why i was suddenly learning a foreign language?

I told them, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition "

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

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The Staff Seargent

(Heard this a long time ago, and in another language. Not sure if has been posted before ! )

A staff sergeant was going out of state for work, and was suspicious of his wife.

So, the night before he is leaving. While his wife is a sleep. He places a razor blade in her vagina.
...

Politicians go on a vacation

Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.

The following day the police question the farmer:

\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well,...

Once upon a time, there was a pirate who never lost a battle...

He was so courageous. His strategy was simple, lead by example, as long as he was at the front of the battle his crew were motivated.

But he had a trick up his sleeve. A new crew member joins this pirate to study him as he is so fascinated by his victories.

First battle comes along, hi...

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

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Dog and cat on the porch (NSFW mild language)

A dog and a cat are sitting on the porch on a hot summer day. The dog looks at the cat and says, "sure is hot today".

The cat replies, "HOLY SHIT IT'S A TALKING DOG!"

my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden

Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender.
And bonus, Donald Drum.

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day...

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, rig...

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A man frantically enters the bank and runs to the nearest female teller

Man: I want to open a fucking bank account

Teller: Excuse me sir?

Man: I want to open a bank account, right the fuck now

Teller: Sir please watch your language, this is a public space

Man: I don't think you understand woman, I NEED to open a fucking bank account!

T...

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I knew my mom was pissed when she cursed in a different language.

Her sign language was on point.

I just read that deaf people also talk in their sleep, only in sign language.

Well, at least they don't get bitten by mosquitoes.

I recently learned sign language

So I can tell jokes people has never heard

I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food.

It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.

A guy started yelling at me in sign language

It was a deaf threat

Math is the language of science.

f(u)√C + k / y(ø)*^(u)*

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A Horse Walks into a Bar

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”

The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves.

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

I just learned sign language

I've found it quite handy.

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Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

This joke is translated from my language.

There was a kid named daisy who went to her parents and asked them a question.

Daisy: hey dad why am I named daisy?

Dad: because when you were first born a daisy fell on your little head.

So her brother who is named bricks went to the dad and said: wnaopa wabwkla woplrn

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Japanese Golfer Joke

An American man went on a business trip to Japan. On the night before his last day, he hired a prostitute. All through the night, the woman was screaming and shouting with excitement. The next day, he played golf with a friend who spoke Japanese as a second language. He decided to try some Japanese ...

I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language...

They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore.

How the Portuguese language was invented??

A drunk Russian tried to speak Spanish.

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

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Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

Farmer ike and his churl chester are working the fields

Farmer ike and his churl chester are working the fields when it starts raining. the farmer sais: chester, go to the house and fetch me my wellys, for its starting to rain!

chester heads to the house, and when he enters through the kittchen he sees the farmers wife and daughter perpearing the ...

An employee asks his boss to be transferred to a new department.

"Why, what's wrong with the fan department you're in now?" says the boss.

"Are you kidding me? This department blows!!"

The boss sighs, "Well, there is an opening in the vacuum cleaner department..."

"Hell no!" the employee screams, "that department sucks!"

The boss chas...

What joke is the same in all european languages?

USA

What's a Pirate's favorite programming language?

Python.

It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.

Native American name - a true story

25 years ago, I worked with a guy named Kee Smith (last name changed here... this is really a real story). Kee was sort of a crunchy granola type of European ancestry. Eventually, he told the story about his unusual name.

He said he was born on a reservation, and he was placed in a bassinet...

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

I signed up for German language lessons recently. They replied, and I am kind of worried now.

They said, “We have ways of making you talk.”

Only one word in the English Language starts with D and ends in Y

If you don’t believe my check the dictionary

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Little 5-year-old Johnny was running around the house making noise...

When his mother yelled at him, saying: "Can't you find something to do? Like maybe go across the street and watch the construction workers build that new house? "


So, Johnny did. A few hours later, His father had just returned home from work. "Where were you, son?" He
asked.
...

I can read any language in the world!

If it is written in English.

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

Mathematics is the language of the devil

There are a lot of sins in doing it

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