This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million .

The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language....

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke I translated from my native language....

A guy asks his friend, "My girlfriend's birthday is coming up. What should I give her?"

Friend(jokingly): Of course your dick.

Man(All serious): Don't be ridiculous, I really want to give her something big.

Friend: Give mine.

A person who speaks 3 languages is called a trilingual, a person who speaks 2 languages is called a bilingual, but what is a person called when they speak only one language?

An American.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

What's the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.

There's a mile between each S.

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

People say Americans can only speak one language, English, but that's not true for all.

I speak English, American, and Australian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he comes across in ...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

[On a date] Her: So, Do you know any other languages?

Him: I don’t speak French, but I know a little German.

Her: Really?

Him: Yes. He’s 3 feet 8, and he lives next door.

People always ask me if I know any foreign languages...

I feel like saying no will make me look stupid, so I say: “Well, I do know a little Hebrew.”

This always surprises people, since Hebrew doesn’t seem like a popular language: “Oh really?!” They always reply.

To that I respond: “Yeah, he’s about 4 feet tall.”

The EU decides to change up the English language:

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The same word describes my boobs in 2 languages,

Gross

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

The first sentence you should learn when learning a foreign language...

my friend is paying.

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of..

tattoos.

People say you can tell a lot about a woman by her body language

But this large woman was talking to me.

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And i swear she was speaking gibberish.

second language

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language.

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there ....

isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

My friend asked me if I knew sign language...

I said I knew a handful of words.

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles

what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-ean

A child asked her father, "Dad what is language?"

The father smiled, "It's happening as we speak."

The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down.

"Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] The rooster decided to enroll in a foreign language class down on the farm...

Should I learn to speak horse, or cow, he wondered. Or pig? Finally, he decided he would learn to speak turkey.

When he came home from class, however he was crying. Mama hen asked him, " did something happen at school today?"

"Yes Mama, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes too, English can get confused as shit..

Telling someone "you're shit" and "you ain't shit" are both insults. But "you are not shit" is a reassurance.

"You are not the shit" is also an insult, but "You are the shit" is a compliment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you.. "a shitty English Language"

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...it's correct

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language.

The audience was left speechless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Language is a weird thing

If you invited some one to your house and said " Well ejaculate , ejaculate on inside" people would probably look at you funny. But if you say " Well cum, cum on inside" no one would even bat an eye.

I just started taking classes on sign language..

I gotta say, it's pretty handy.

I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

I was talking to a South African girl, in her native language, for hours.

We just clicked.

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell...

...it was the wurst.

I decided to learn sign language.

It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

English is a funny language

"Jail" and "Prison" are synonyms.
But, "Jailer" and "Prisoner" are antonyms.

Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..

They were just too Fowl.

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

What do the Vikings call their silent language?

Norse Code

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

My friend told me that I should learn more languages

I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.

TIFU by downloading a movie from an arabic website. The language was dubbed.

And before you all go on saying wrong sub, well, yes, that was arabic too.

What is a mathematicians favourite language?

Sine language

The four most beautiful words in our common language:

I told you so.

Can you say a sentence containing 4 different languages?

No.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

I'm glad I learned sign language.

It's really handy!!

How do you greet a German Shepherd in their native language?

Guten Dog!

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

What do you call a joke made by using sign language?

A jester

A Spanish Language Class.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

In...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Watch your language.

Dad and son cuss too much, and mom has had enough. One night she tells them both, "I hear anymore profanity, and so help me, I will not be responsible for my reaction!"

The next morning, mom gets up and heads downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast. Dad follows her and mom asks, "What do...

Master/slave terminology was recently removed from the python programming language so as not to offend anyone.

Looks like PC’s finally won.

What language do Porsche drivers speak?

Porschuguese

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

English is not the easiest of languages

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

A politically incorrect joke about language

Investors want to make a holiday resort on an uninhabited island. They hire 3 experts to get life going there.

To the Frenchman they say, "you are in charge of cuisine".

To the German they say, "you are in charge of accommodation".

To the Finn they say, "you are in charge of su...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."

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He also received standing ovation from the audience.

Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)

Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them say...

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