UPJOKE
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A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

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An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

The American firm says that the stadium will cost 2 million dollars because Americans like everything big and built to last.

The Japanese firm says that the stadium will cost 1 million because ...

Not my joke, but I've only heard it in brazilian portuguese (I'm brazilian)

Two schizophrenic guys are in a mental hospital, one of them points to the clock and asks "Is this thing working as it is suposed to?", the other says "If it were it wouldn't be here"

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A man told his friend he had sex with two Brazilian women

His friend: "Wow. How many zeros are in 2 Brazilian?"

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What do you do after getting a Brazilian Butt Lift?

Work your ass off to pay your ass off.

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
...

A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn't know why the U.S. deported him there.

Can you imagine Hispanic?

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

I can't listen to brazilian jazz.

Maybe a hundred jazz, or a thousand, but brazilian jazz? That's just way too much jazz.

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The World's Best Ethnic Joke.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, am Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Columbian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Pole, a L...

The Brazilian the Argentine and the Genius

(To understand the joke you need to know that there is a lot of rivalry between Brazilians and Argentines) An Argentine and a Brazilian when walking through the desert found a magic lamp. A genie came out of it and began to speak: "You are my masters and each of you will be granted a wish." The Ar...

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”


The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydivin...

Brazilian Soldiers

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.

"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents....

How much is a Brazilian?

6 because 7-1

Never get a Brazilian wax

It's a total rip-off.

Jeff Bezos paid a Brazilian arsonist

Desperate to get #AmazonFire trending.

Omg, the coronavirus has killed 12 Brazilian people!

How many is a brazilian?

Have you heard they opened one of those Brazilian meat restaurants at the top of the Burj Khalifa

You got to be careful though because the steaks are really high

My mom: "Who robs a Brazilian Wax store???"

Me: "Maybe the robbers thought they had a brazilian dollars??"

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

3 Brazilian

A blonde was listening to the radio when suddenly she heard "3 Brazilian men died in a fatal car accident." The woman then asked, "How much is a Brazilian?"

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Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.


"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

What language do Brazilian Geese speak?

Portuguese

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Brunette: Have you ever had sex with a Brazilian?

Blonde: I don't think so. That sounds like a lot. Probably not, but I've come pretty close.

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a Brazilian nut?

I wouldn’t let a chickpea in my mouth.

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A Brazilian and a Venezuelan gets into a fight

They cant agree on which country has the best ass cheeks. To settle the debate in a fair non partisan manner they decide to consult the most advance AI of the Time.



The AI prompts them to word their question very carefully because it always outputs exactly what it is asked from it. <...

How would you rate a really ugly Brazilian?

1 out of 7

A blond girl turns on the radio and hears that 2 Brazilian men were killed

As she starts to cry she asks "How many is a Brazilian?"

I know a Brazilian joke.

It's kinda long, I'll trim it down.

What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine?

Not much but the Brazilian has better legs.

A Brazilian needs to buy a ticket but don't speak English.

So he decides to listen and copy the person at the front of the queue.

He listens.

"Ticket to midway one-way."

When it's his turn, he asks.

"Ticket to new york one-ork"


~~P.S. I don't speak English. I'm try hard.~~

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

When my wife told me she was going to get a Brazilian, I was excited.

When she came home with a guy named Rafael, I was not happy.

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

I told my wife to get a Brazilian

The next day she introduced me to her new friend, Paulo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CDC: Mr. President, two Brazilian diplomats have tested positive for the coronavirus.

Trump: Holy shit! (pause) How many is a "brazilian"?

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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An Brazilian, an Argentine and a Colombian gets stranded on an deserted island

They find a lamp and one of them rubs it.
A genie appear ad says:
Look, I have been stuck here for a long time, and I am tired, so I will only give one to each one of you.
C: Colombian; B: Brazilian; A: Argentine; G: genie;

C:I wish to go home.

*He got teleported back to his h...

How is Trump like a Brazilian?

He reminds you that Bush wasn't all that bad

The German women’s beach volleyball team plays against the Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team. Who wins?

The audience

Translated Brazilian Joke - A broken car in the desert

** In Brazil it is common making jokes about our colonizers, the Portuguese. I hope they do the same about us in Portugal, so... **

A Portuguese, a Brazilian and an Argentinian are driving through the desert when their car suddenly breaks.
João, the Brazilian suggests each one takes a pie...

A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died from Coronavirus.

She cried and asked, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

Did you know a Brazilian wax costs $50?

Talk about a rip off

ATTN: Brazilian football fans

Don't feel too bad. Your team only lost by a touchdown.

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Two blondes Cindy and Stacy run into each other on monday...

Cindy : Hi Stacy! Did you have a good weekend? I went out to the club on saturday!

Stacy: OMG! I was there too! I danced with two Brazilian guys who were at the club!

Cindy: Oh wow! How many is a Brazillion?

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

How did 70 Brazilian people die in a plane crash today...

...if the world only has 7 billion?

Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line?

He made a maraca-ulous recovery.



It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.

What is a Brazilians favorite Pokemon?

Zikachu.

What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak?

Portugoose.

Trump was rushed to the hospital after learning that 3 Brazilians died from the Coronavirus

Lying in the hospital bed his face still white with shock, he finally got the courage to ask shakily and in a quiet voice, “How many people is a brazillion?"

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

A blonde hears on the news that a bridge collapsed and killed a Brazilian.

She gasped, "That's a lot of people!"

The Brazilian ambassador meets with Donald Trump

The Brazilian ambassador meets with Donald Trump, and offers him 50 Brazilian soldiers to help with the fight against terrorism. Trump says, “That’s fantastic!"

Later that day Trump calls his Chief of Staff and tells him about the offer of 50 Brazilian soldiers.

The Chief of Staff says...

A Brazilian got the first gold medal

The police are already after him.

A man and his blond wife were watching the news when a story came on about a plane crash.

The news anchor said that six Brazilian soccer players were on the plane and none of them survived. The wife started crying uncontrollably. The man was very concerned and asked his wife why she was so upset. She replied, "I don't know how many a brazillion is, but it sure sounds like a lot!"

"Mr. President, four Brazilian soldiers were killed during our last drone attack. "

"This is yuge, let's get Sean out there to tell everyone how we are making the world great again... wait how many is a Brazilian?"

How many Brazilians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One Brazillion.

A brazilian, uruguayan and argentinian walk into the bar...

...celona team.
GOAAAAAAAAL !
GOAAAAAAAAL !
GOAAAAAAAAL !

What do you call a galaxy full of Brazilians?

The Milky Hue.

Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil

Boss: How was your trip?

Employee: It was fine but I don’t like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and hookers.

Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?

Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?

Did you hear the Bob Ross got a brazilian wax?

Got rid of that happy, little bush.

What would the world’s population be if it were only Brazilians?

About 7.7 brazillion

I asked my friend how she liked her first Brazilian wax...

She told me it was a complete rip-off.

Before today, the saddest Brazilians I ever saw...

...were the waiters who got assigned to me at Fogo de Chau #estoygordo

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Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The F...

A news headline reads: “Airliner crashes. No survivors expected…

Brazilian citizens among the dead”. I read it to my friend, and they exclaim: “OMG, how many is a Brazilian?!”.

A new report indicates Brazilians no longer support the 2016 Olympics

They're too busy raising the team for the 2036 Special Olympics.

Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a...

A brunette tells her blonde friend that she can finally say that she's slept with a Brazilian.

The blonde looks shocked and says, "OMG, how many is a Brazilian???

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I met my wife

She asked me If I had sex with a Brazilian woman.

I told her “Probably. How many is a Brazilian?”

5 Brazilian dollars sounds like a lot of money...

However, with the current exchange rate its only about $1.35 USD

What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?

I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

A Brazilian and Argentinian find a lamp after a football (soccer) match...

On their way back from a very tight football match, two fans, one Brazilian and one Argentinian bump into each other and see a lamp at their feet.

Assuming there is a genie inside, they begin arguing who gets to rub the lamp first. The Brazilian concedes and allows the Argentinian to go firs...

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

Two attractive women were talking...

1. Hey, I had a great time last night, I slept with a Brazilian.

2. OMG, how many is a brazilian?

President Trump was told there were at least 12 Brazilians in the migrant caravan headed to the Southern border...

Mr President turned to his Defense Secretary and whispered: "how much is a brazillion?"

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An Australian, an American, a Canadian, a Briton, a Welshman, a Norwegian, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Frenchman...

a South African, a Japenese, a New Zealander, a Papa New Guinean, an Irishman, an Italian, a Scandinavian, a German, an Austrian, an Arabian, a Syrian, a Hungarian, a Russian, an Indian and a Spaniard all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we can't serve you without a Thai."

Hey did you guys know South America is getting overpopulated?

Yea, there’s like a brazilian people there.

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A French man, a Brazilian man, a American man and an English man died. They got to the Heaven's Gate, where they were received by Saint Peter.

\- That's how it works. - said Peter. - To get in, you need to have a clean mind, good thoughts, no malicious at all. Thus, I'll test you basing your fate on your answer. Alright?

The four men lined up.

\- First, the French. - said Peter. - Answer me: where do women have more curly ha...

That’s a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying “oh my god” over and over.

Then he composes h...

A death toll too high to imagine

On September 29th 2006 President George W. Bush receives a briefing from one of his staff

"Mr. President, we've just received reports of a commercial plane crash in south America, 154 Brazilian people died."

"Oh my God, that's terrible..." The president replies solemnly, thinking quiet...

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

The secretary of defense entered Donald Trump's office.

He told Donald Trump that a drone strike in South America had killed 4 brazilian people.

He expected Trump to take this lightly, but much to his surprise, Trump's face turned white with shock, and he promptly fainted.

After Trump awoke, the secretary of defense said "I didn't know you ...

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter crash.

George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.

“Sir, is everything alright?” stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, “How many is ...

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