Which aisle is the Ukrainian sausage in?

A customer asks, "In what aisle will I find the Ukrainian sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Ukrainian?"

The guy says, "Yes I am. But if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I...

Ukrainian mother persuades her son to marry

M: Look at Marina. She is beautiful, intelligent, loves movies and theater.
S: I do not want her.
M: Look at Olena. She cooks well, her house is always orderly.
S: I do not want her.
M: So who do you want?
S: Mom, I love my neighbor Sergei.
(pause)
M: But he's Russ...

An American couple, an English couple and a Ukrainian couple are dining together.

The american husband says "could you pass me the honey, honey?" to his wife. The English man says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife. The Ukrainian husband sees this and says "pass me the bacon, you pig!"

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fall out

A Ukrainian guy goes to the eye doctor.

The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z.

The Optometrist asks, "Can you read this?"

"Read it?" the guy replies, "I know the guy!"

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Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

If you turn Indonesia flag upside down you'll get Polish flag. What will you get if you turn upside down Ukrainian flag?

An upside down Ukrainian flag

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So during the WW2 german army occupied one ukrainian village...

So during the WW2 german army occupied one ukrainian village. German officer said to make one line formed with all ukrainian men that living in the village. Then officer makes next order:

"Every woman that will recognize his husband by only sucking penises with closed eyes will save both hers...

Putin calls Trump and tells him

"Donald, I saw a strange dream... I saw America, all this beautiful country you know... And on every house I saw a poster."

"And what was written on the posters?", Trump asked.

"The United States of Russia."

Trump says, "You know, Vladimir, I'm very glad you called. Believe me o...

Where do unsympathetic Ukrainians come from?

The Crimea River

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An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American,

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

A balcony fell in the Ukrainian city and crushed a man.

There’s a big crowd next to the corpse. Old women is crying:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, he was so young!...”

Someone from the crowd:

“Calm down grandma, he was russian.”

The women continues:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, there are so many god...

How much food does it take to kill a Ukrainian?

None.

A Russian is going to the Ukraine

As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”

“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

Ukrainians

Ukrainians, why not join in the fun and elect a comedian with zero political experience: just like the US have.

Two Ukrainian ladies, Mary and Martha are sitting in a small town cafe and sharing a plate of perogies...

Mary looks across the street and sees a man coming out of the local flower shop.

"Look Martha, your husband Dmytro, he comes out of flower shop holding a dozen long stemmed roses"!

Martha replies: "Oh no, dis is no good, oy,yoy,yoy" while shaking her head side to side and wringing her...

What is long and hard that a Ukrainian woman gets on her wedding night?

A last name.

Coronavirus is serious business

I scoffed at how serious the Coronavirus was being portrayed.

Then I realized that I haven’t been invited to the Russian, Ukrainian, or Asian dating sites in my junk folder in weeks!

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

Ukrainian Police joke

Cop asks his sergeant:

\- So, why did you not become commissioner?

\- You know, I wasn't smart enough.

\- Strange. That's usually a plus.

Italian, Ukrainian and Newfie on a Lunch Break..

An Italian, a Ukrainian and a Newfie high-rise construction worker were all up on a huge building about to have lunch. They all took a seat and opened up their lunch boxes;

"Mama mia!" Said the Italian "Mya wife! She always give-a me meat-a-balls! If I get meat-a-balls in my lunch tomorrow, I...

50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke

One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **...

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On the first day in a Ukrainian school, the teacher introduces herself to the children.

"My name is Marivanna and I am Ukrainian," she says. "Now introduce yourselves, children."

A young boy stands up and says, "My name is Taras and I am Ukrainian."

Next, a young girl stands up and says, "My name is Oksana and I am Ukrainian."

Another lad stands up and says, "My na...

I’m really glad that I wasn’t born in Ukraine.

I don’t speak a word of Ukrainian.

The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.

It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

Old Jewish joke.

A group of Ukrainian villagers are trying to get a cow to mate with a bull.

Try as they might, the cow refused to mate with any bull at all.

The villagers take the cow to the rabbi to ask for help.

The Rabbi inspects the cow then asks the villagers, "is the cow from Kiev?"
...

What is Justin Timberlake's favourite Ukrainian river?

The Crimea River.

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A black man and an ukrainan walk into a bar

A black man and a ukrainian walk into a bar in Moscow

They look at eachother for a while and then the black goes first:

Give me a shot of vodka! -he says to the bartender (he gets it and drinks it)

The ukrainian looks at him and orders a shot of whiskey (he gets it and drinks...

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An American & Ukrainian at a public loo.

The American pulls out his massive cock and declares:Buffalo Bill.

The Ukrainian pulls out three enormous cocks and says:Chernobyl.

(Old but gold.)

How do you find a Ukrainian?

With a Geiger counter.

I was walking along the train station one day and I saw a man standing on the platform about to jump off

I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well... are you Catholic or Orthodox?" He said, "Orthodox."

I said, "Me too! Are you Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate or Ukraini...

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw a lightbulb?

You don't need to, they glow in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very clean joke

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. Africa...

Did you know how Ukrainians felt in 1932?

Hungary.

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American walks into a bar

And orders a whole 0.5 liters bottle of vodka, whistles loudly to get attention on himself and chugs whole bottle in one sip.

Suddenly, one Ukrainian comes to him, orders the same vodka and drinks it in front of the American.

American smiles, orders 1 liter of whiskey and chugs it in 2...

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True story in one of ukrainian flats

2am after good old day gaming. Going to toilet to take a shit.

After a bit of time, in flat above me I heat it, moaning, an intercorse in action.

2 minutes and dead silence...

Just had to do it, yelled out :"and thats that it?!?"
Hear a woman giggle and reply :"shocked mysel...

A Russian walks into an Ukrainian bar...

And farts.

The Russian says, "I'm sorry for Putin."

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

What did the Ukrainian Scientist receive after discovering the dangers of radiation?

A Chernobel Prize.

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The Ukrainian Farmer and his Son

A Ukrainian farmer had a son who wanted to go to university

"Son, you not want to go university; stay here and work with me on farm"

"No father. I go to university to learn many things"

So the son goes.

Months later, the son comes home for break.

The father says, "...

Tired of people complaining about Ukrainian body's of water that Russia is occupying

Crimea river.

Why don't you buy Ukrainian underwear?

Because cher-nob'll fall out

What do you call an Iranian living in England?

A Ukrainian

32 Tanks Enter Ukraine From Russia

Ukrainian grandma says, "What is the difference between a Russian tank and a vacuum cleaner? "

Ukrainian grandpa is getting another drink, but yells, "I don't know" from the cellar.

"There's only one dirtbag in a vacuum," she replies, but no one is in the room to hear her.

A joke from the Soviet era

Reagan is visiting the Soviet Union and arrives at the Ukrainian city of Odessa. Expecting a warm welcoming party by the people of the city, he is both shocked and offended that no one is greeting him at the city gates. The embarrassed Soviet officials scramble to find someone to fire the ceremonial...

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A Ukrainian, American, and Polish guy work on a high rise construction site...

Every day they take lunch on top of the building. Ukrainian guy opens his lunchbox and exclaims: "Fucking borscht again? I swear, if I get another borscht for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"

 

American find a PB&J sandwich in his lunchbox and also exclaims: "I...

The Train Carriage Compartment

So, traveling by train through Europe were a Ukrainian man, a Russian soldier, an old lady, and a beautiful young woman. Naturally, there was some tension, and nobody spoke.

Then the train went into a tunnel, and everything, for a moment, was pitch dark.

There's the sound of a loud ki...

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I was having lunch with Boris, the Estonian IT guy....

He was telling me about the crazy night he had before moving to the US. He said
"I drank so much I go home with two Soviet prostitutes who live together with their fancy grey cat."

"Russian blue?"

"No but Ukrainian gave handjob!"

Afraid to speak Russian in Ukraine.

"Yefim, you know, I try to speak Russian as little as possible."
"Why? What happened? Are you afraid that Ukrainians will beat you up?"
"No, I am scared that Russians will come to save me."

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