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Amsterdam Jokes

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What's the difference between Amsterdam and Saudi Arabia?

In Amsterdam, you get stoned before you have sex.

I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam

I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

A Dutch Joke: A German is going to Amsterdam for a business trip

A German is going to Amsterdam for a business trip. After arriving he is walking while calling with his head office in German.

He then hears a boy behind him yell "excuse me sir! excuse me sir!"

The German turns around asks what's up.

The Dutch boy answers: "I am afraid you've l...

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I recently visited Amsterdam

I couldn't believe all the signs pointing to Ann Frank's house.

No wonder the Nazi's were able to find her.

Amsterdam is like the Tour de France

A bunch of people on drugs riding bicycles.

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My friend went to Amsterdam..

My friend is Lebanese.
While walking through the red light district,
he wanders into the first house he sees.
He says, "I'll give you $200,but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The prostitute refuses and so he leaves.
He walks up to the next house on the block and goes in.
"I'll g...

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I was having a drink at a bar in Amsterdam.

I was having a drink at a bar in Amsterdam when this pretty girl walks up to me and says, "Can I buy you a drink?"


I never pass on a drink so I say sure. We start drinking together and then start talking. We really hit it off. She says she was from another country and here to have a fun t...

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess

... so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a goo...

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

Why is Amsterdam the worst place to live in?

Because it's in a dam-nation.

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A horny man goes to Amsterdam...

... and immediately to a brothel. He's escorted to a room where a gorgeous lady awaits him. He asks her:

\- How are your hand jobs?

She points to the window and says:

\- Do you see that Maybach outside?

The man nods.

\- I earned it only with my hand jobs. In my fi...

Hooker in Amsterdam

A man goes for a vacation with his wife to Amsterdam, he goes out alone for a drink, on a whim he decides to check the infamous red light district, while there he comes across a stunningly beautiful working girl, he goes up to her to negotiate the price, she demands 100$, he counters with 30$, she l...

Tinder is like Amsterdam

All the girls are behind a glass screen.

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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessl...

How do they call a cow in Amsterdam?

High Stake

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What is the difference between a circus and Amsterdam

One is a cunning array of stunts, the other is a stunning array of cunts

Do you still believe that there's no Illuminati presence at the Amsterdam airport?

Wake up, Schiphol!

[Amsterdam] My friend David lost his id when we went out this weekend

Now he's just Dav

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I hate it when people say Amsterdam is only for smoking weed.

I mean c'mon, there's prostitutes too!

What did Sting get in Amsterdam?

A massage in a brothel.

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What do the British sing when they visit a shopping mall in Amsterdam

How much is that pussy in the window....

I hear Metallica have an upcoming show in Amsterdam

"We're off to Nether-netherlands"

Did you know in Amsterdam there's a combination brothel and mechanic shop?

Apparently, they do a two-for-one on rimjobs.

Because Corona, the red light district in Amsterdam is now closed. My biggest fear has now come true.

When this whole story started, I was afraid there would be no happy ending.

Amsterdam is like a tour de France

- it's full of people on bikes and drugs.

--
Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam

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Sex contest (mildly NSFW)

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englisman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.

"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can ...

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A Scotsman goes into a brothel

in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a nice-looking prostitute.

He asks her, 'How much dae ye charge for an hour?' '€100,' she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, dae ye dae it Scottish style?' She says 'No!'

He then says 'I'll gie you €200 to dae it Scottish style'. She didn't...

The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second dr...

I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

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Maritime History Professor: So, what do you think is the most important sea in Europe?

Student: Undoubtedly the one in Amsterdam Canal Experience.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I didn't pay €50 in Amsterdam to have a lentil on my face.

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Penguins, 20 Euros

A man had been enjoying Amsterdam and was down to his last 20 euros.

Wandering the streets he spies a sign, "Penguins 20 Euros"

"Hell yeah! I'm going to get a penguin!"

He walks in and says he would like the penguin for 20 euros. He is led upstairs into a room with the most beau...

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Experienced vs Less Experienced Nurse Discussion

Older Nurse talking to younger collogue: "Did you see the man in Rm 14? He has 'Adam' tattooed on his penis."

Younger prettier nurse: "It says Amsterdam."

Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Be...

Guys I have a problem

I bought some tickets for the UEFA Euro 2020 (hotel and breakfast included) but forgot I was getting married in the same period...

So if anyone is interested.. June 30, 2 pm in the City Hall of Amsterdam. Her name is Sandra.

I don't know why everyone had such a hard time finding Anne Frank.

When I went to Amsterdam, there was literally signs all over the place telling me where her house is.

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My mate went to Holland and bought me back a life size blow up dolly that gives blow jobs. I thought that's nice.

Two Lips from Amsterdam.

Translated joke but I reversed the countries because screw Belgium

Two dutchmen take the train from Amsterdam to Brussels, but they only have one ticket. 2 fellow Belgian passengers ask them how they will get away with it. “Watch and learn!” Say the Dutch. They head into the toilet together and wait for the train conductor to knock on the door. “Ticket please!”. He...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

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The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, y...

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Graduation Trip

This past year, I graduated college, and decided to take a trip with a few buddies. We had some money left over from our college funds, and decided we would visit Europe. We had originally intended to go hiking in different European countries for a couple of weeks.

At my Graduation ceremony, ...

It's time for some Tern Jokes!

* A group of sea-birds flew over Amsterdam.
No tern was left unstoned.

* Frans just opened up his new Deli and was doing quite well. People came in from miles around to buy his sausages and meats, and they never left unsatisfied. One day a man walks in and orders a pound of sausage. Fran...

Hamster PickUp Line?

If I was a Hamster, and I met a female hamster I liked...id say "Aye Girl, You From Amsterdam? Cause Hamster Damn!"

A man gets into a taxi at JFK

And asks the driver to head to the corner of 74th and Amsterdam.

The driver takes off at top speed, flying around cars. He approached a light just turning yellow and never lets off the gas.

The passenger asks the driver, "Wow, you didn't even blink at that yellow."

"Yeah, I ha...

I used to find window shopping depressing.....

then I visited Amsterdam.

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