An illegal immigrant and a paedophile got into a brawl....

In other words, it was alien vs predator

How was the Dutch dairy farmer caught up in a brawl?

He was gouda'd into it.

2 and 8 got into a brawl with 4 and 6

It was an even fight

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

Last night I smashed my friends Mom.-

I stopped by my friend's house late last night. I rang the doorbell and his mom answered. Apparently he wasn't home because he was off studying with some other friends at their place. She told me to come in, so I did. I took my shoes off and went to the living room and sat on the couch. She came bac...

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A man moves to a new neighborhood...

...and after getting settled in, he goes down to the nehborood bar. When he walks in. He sees a fishbowl full of $100 bills on the bar with a note that says “Ask bartender about contest”.

So the guy sits down, orders a beer, and motions towards the fishbowl. He asks the bartender, “So what’s...

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4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is that you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty if you have a confession, now's the time."
The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis once and had...

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The lions decide to claim the land that is rightfully their own

"We have ruled over these creatures for long enough, we deserve to take ownership of their homes." The lions pondered, so decide to take action.

Firstly they met with the timid rabbits, and ask "Hello Mr and Mrs Rabbit, can we have your property?" And the rabbits curl in fear and exclaim "Of ...

Two police officers are called out to a bar...

...where a couple of patrons have gotten into a fight.
When they get there they find an Acid and a Base trading blows. The officers split them up, give them a verbal warning, and send them on their way in opposite directions.

A couple of days later the same officers are called out to a...

A cowboy walks into a saloon…

and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, “Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.”

The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, “Hey, them’s fightin...

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Which is worse?

A couple guys are sitting in a bar and they are getting a bit drunk. One of them says to his buddy "hey, have you ever wondered which is worse? Giving birth or getting kicked in the balls?"

His friend considers this for a moment, and responds "it's an age old question. My wife might say chil...

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?

Irritable Brawls in Rome

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The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...

2 Jamaicans are lost in the desert..

After wandering aimlessly for hours, one of the two spots an oasis in the distance. As they draw nearer, the other man spots an odd tree growing at the oasis, a tree with bacon for leaves. He turns to his friend and says "Look man, it's a bacon tree!!". His friend replies " No way man you're halluci...

The tale of two gnats

So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does.

"Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's r...

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The Lizard

Brother told me this joke in Arabic originally:

A lizard walks into a bar and loudly yells out "if anyone trys to fuck with me I'm gonna fuck them up." Then he walks back outside.

A pig looks at his friends and says "who does this lizard think he is, I'm gonna go beat the shit out of h...

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A man dies and goes to hell

Satan says to him "Hell's not really what the people on Earth say it is, mostly God just wants quiet peaceful types in Heaven and everyone else gets to come to Hell to enjoy themself. Do you like drinking?"

The man says "Yeah, I love to drink."

Satan says "Then you'll love Mondays, we...