UPJOKE
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Perform Jokes

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
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An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

How does a Trump supporter explain why they cannot perform in bed?

Erection fraud.
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My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.
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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say '123,' and it...

Anyone see 50 cent perform at the Super Bowl?

Inflation is real
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I received a warning at work for poor performance.

We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack \[the boss's son\] has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.

I got the warning for my performance being below average.

I told them "That's just mean"
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An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
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A Hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum

All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed "shit!"


It took 2 weeks to clean that whole place.

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As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car an...
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Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...
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Larry is having his performance evaluation and his boss is showing his disappointment.

He said, “Larry, you used to be a great worker, but for the past few months I never seem to see you working when I come by your office. What happened?”

Larry looks at the boss and said, “Well, in August they carpeted the hallway…”
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Did you hear about the suicide bomber performing at the comedy open mic night?

He had everyone in pieces!
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.

The performer sees them arrive and since they’re at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”
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A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary. The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!" The husband says...

"I know. That's why I'm doing it to her."

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

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I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

Why couldn't the Eagles perform the Super Bowl's half time show this year?

After all, they are already there.
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What did Beethoven say to the pianist that didn’t perform well

Pathétique
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The easiest abortion I've ever performed was on a stripper.

It was like taking a baby from Candy.

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For a brief moment in history, people would listen to Bryan Adams and mutually perform oral sex.

It was summer of 69s.

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play

but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair.

We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.

After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
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What happens to printers that perform miracles?

They get Canonized.
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A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"
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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

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TIL lions perform oral sex on each other.

Talk about swallowing your pride.

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth...

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as do...
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.


“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.


“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.


So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.


A guy driving by sees this and ...
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A circus performer is late to his next gig

Driving as fast as he can, he is soon pulled over by the police. The cop asks for his license, registration, and proof of insurance, and then asks him where he was going so fast.

"Well, officer, I'm a circus performer, and I'm headed to Springfield to do my juggling act, and I'm late."
...
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I got booked to perform on a roast

It was ok, but I got gravy on my shoes.
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A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.

Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the gam...
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A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."
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What do you call a man who can perform any task to an adequate degree and keeps a holy woman on a leash?

Jack of all trades, master of nun.
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King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.

It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"



(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)
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Did you hear about the blind rabbi that missed when he was trying to perform a circumcision?

He got the sack!

Badum tiss.
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Today I learned that Johann Sebastian Bach had to perform at weddings to make ends meet...

Turns out he was pretty baroque after all.
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What do you call a dog who can perform magic?

A labracadabrador
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How much do you get paid to perform a circumcision?

Not much, but you get to keep the tips.
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Why did the Jewish doctor accidentally perform a circumcision?

It was a Freudian snip
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I used to perform in a backup group.

We were called "The Plumbers". Most of our gigs were in kitchens and bathrooms.
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"Rabbi, could you please perform a circumcision for my son"

Rabbi :"What's his age ? "

Man : "8 years "

Rabbi :" what? That's way past the usual cut off date "
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I went to see a comedian perform in a hotel room

He told some suite jokes
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My wife and I were laying in bed watching a contortionist perform on a talent show.

As the lady went through her routine, I suggested to my wife that she should try becoming a contortionist. Without hesitation, she shouted "NO!"

I asked her to reconsider, suggesting ideas as they entered my creative mind. She immediately began yelling at me, calling me a pig, a dog, and even...
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What is a group of mute performers standing on a grassy plain called?

A mime field.
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Why doesn't A Flock Of Seagulls perform in the Middle East?

Because Iran so far away.
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After sex a woman tells a man that she didn't like his performance, that his organ was to small.

He looks at her and says "I didn't know I would be playing in a cathedral".

How does a priest perform an exorcism in Texas?

"Gwan git!"
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Why don't rednecks perform reverse cowgirl when having sex?

Because you don't turn your back on family

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An organ grinder and his capuchin monkey are hired to perform at a local pub

The organ grinder is happily taking requests from the patrons, but his monkey is in rare form on this particular evening. The monkey is dancing around on tables, stealing food, lifting cigarettes, and getting into various other shenanigans. At one point, the monkey hops up on the bar and starts pick...

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What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex.

You don’t.

I really really want to perform a song for you.

It would be the "I sing on my cake" day.
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Why did the Satanist Unix Cult never perform executions ?

Because the permissions were 666
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A doctor is just about to perform surgery

So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.

Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know. I am David.
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How do surgeons feel when they don't know what kind of amputation to perform?

Stumped
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A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...
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What did the lion say when he got caught performing autofellatio?

Nothing, he just swallowed his pride.

Why couldn't the juggler perform on the big stage?

He didn't have the balls
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An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...
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How do you perform a circumcision?

Consult your doctor, only a professional knows how to pull it off.
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Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...
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A juggler, driving to his next performance...

Stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches master...
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I perform circumcisions at the local synagogue

The pay isn’t great but I get to keep the tips
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A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

My granddad used to perform as a human statue.

I remember him, still.
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My 9-year old told this one today. What does Snoop Dogg say after performing a magic trick?

Ta da da da da
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Did you hear about the train that couldn’t perform?

It was a huge case of stage freight.
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My sexual performance is just like the movie...

*Gone in 60 Seconds*

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Men who can perform autofellatio are usually pretty arrogant.

They're often full of themselves.

I nervously applied to sing on American Idol and Simon Cowell asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said no,but I could do Bohemian Rhapsody!
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I used to perform circumcisions for a living.

I got tons of tips.
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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

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How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

A performer fell through the floor

It was just a stage he was going through
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Did you hear about Post Malone falling while performing?

He seems okay now. It was just a stage he was going through.
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Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform?

in the audit-orium
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How do you call a friend who has trouble performing sexually?

Doesn’t matter. He’s not coming.

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Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....
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My local hospital trained a dog to perform facelifts.

He wasn't very good, but he did raise a few eyebrows.
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Did you hear about Travis Scott’s latest performance?

He really crushed it
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A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...
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Why did Soviet-era submarines perform so poorly?

They suffered from deep Russian.
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A concert costs $0.45, who are performing?

50 cent and Nickelback
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Why do crazy people perform terrible handjobs?

They can’t get a grip.
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The surgeon who performed my circumcision didn't have scalpels.

I was surprised they managed to pull it off.
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It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events
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How does a magician perform a boob implant?

Breastidigitation

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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “...

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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.....

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

“You ke...

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.
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Why does Post Malone only perform 6 days a week?

There's no post on Sundays.
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My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...

It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.
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Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
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Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin were booked to perform at a benefit.

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I ...
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Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio.

It's just not going to go down well.

How much did the Fiddler on the Roof charge for a performance?

Nothing. It was on the house.
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How did the French-German psychic perform a seance?

On a Yes-Yes board.
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What is the best time of day to perform devilish hijinks?

Lets say ten.
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What do you get when you perform an organ transplant

A liver
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Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

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A trainee lion tamer is about to perform

He is talking to his mentor who is telling him last minute words of advice

Trainee: What do I do if the lion attacks me?

Mentor: Use the whip

Trainee: Will there be a whip?

Mentor: Yes there will be a whip

Trainee: What if that doesn’t work what do I do then?
...

What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?
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An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."
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So I saw Amy Schumer perform live...

The Kentucky Derby really is magical!
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A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”
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What is it called if you fail to successfully perform the Heimlich maneuver?

Two people choking.
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I believe people who perform circumcision make pretty good money.

At least I've heard they have a "tips" jar.
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I don't perform on a stage because I'm funny

I perform on stage because I'm insecure about my own ability to be funny. I crave that attention, that validation from from an audience of strangers, I think it's because my father didn't give me the attention I needed when I was a kid. I still have fun though, I enjoy the job, the money is great to...
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My dad's doctor told me he could perform surgery with his eyes closed.

But he didn't say anything about succeeding.
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God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...
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For a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed.

It was…just a stage he was going through.
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What's it called when spies perform Hamlet?

Thespionage
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What was the most unbelievable miracle that Jesus performed?

Having 12 close friends in his thirties.
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What do you get when you cross a mafia Consigliere with a performance artist?

Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.
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"How do you perform mediation?"

"Meditation? Uuuummmmmmm........"
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Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!

Credit: my wife!
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Why shouldn't a doctor be sleepy when he's performing a circumcision?

He might hit the sack.
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A scientist is performing experiments on a frog

He starts by placing the frog at a starting line and shouts "Jump" after measuring how far the frog leapt he records in his journal "A frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet"


He then cuts off one of the frogs legs, places it back at the starting line then once again shouts "Jump". After measuring...
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Website....We use cookies to improve performance.

Me...Same.
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My group mates told me to practice my lines for the school performance

Don't know why I got expelled. All I did was bring out a dollar bill and mom's credit card and did what I was told
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The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy...

Really got the ball rolling.
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What type of surgery do Jewish doctors prefer to perform?

Circumcision.

They’re always left with a tip.
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In order to join our club, you must perform the dance

It's called 2 step verification
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Did you hear that Uri Geller planned to elevate the whole of London in what was to be the most expensive illusion ever performed?

He couldn't raise the capital.
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