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NSFW: What do you call a urologist who performs reconstructive surgery?

A cocksmith.

After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and yet he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

Why doesn’t the band Flock of Seagulls perform in Terhan?

Because,

IRAN SO FAR AWAAAY!

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A ventriloquist was performing in a club telling dumb blonde jokes...

With his dummy on his knee, he begins his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the audience stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?What does the color of a person's hair...

A doctor is just about to perform surgery

So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.

Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know. I am David.

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An Israeli, a German, a Russian and an Australian doctor were comparing recent surgeries they had performed...

The Israeli doctor says; “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a mans testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work”.

The German doctor says;” That’s nothing, in Germany we take a part of the brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking...

Did you hear the zoo is hiring someone to perform elephant circumcisions?

The pay's not great, but the tips are pretty big.

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I just watched a magician perform, he had 7 men hypnotized and dropped the microphone on his foot

I felt bad bad for him, when the mic hit his foot he yelled "fuck me"

An englishman, a frenchman, a spaniard, and a german were all standing watching a street performer do some exciting juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and asks them, 'Can you all see me now?'

'Yes'

'Oui'

'Sí'

'Ja'

How many members of a group does it take to perform a task?

Some number other than that normally required for the task, for a reason having to do with stereotypical characteristics of the group in question.

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play

but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair.

We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.

After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

Interviewer: Can you perform Under pressure?

No, but Bohemian Rhapsody I can.

A symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth

In the piece there’s a long passage that’s about 20 minutes during which the double bassists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the bar next door for a quick one. After drinking many beers one of them looked at his watch and s...

I got hurt while performing a surgery on a bee.

It was a sting operation.

A Jewish doctor responsible for performing circumcisions retires.

Instead of throwing out all the foreskins he's collected, he decides to take them to a seamstress so she can turn them into a souvenir of his long career.

He takes a few hundreds tips into the seamstress and leaves them with her, giving her a week to make something special.

Upon his re...

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

What kind of lemon performs for charity?

Lemon Aid

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

I went to a theatrical performance on puns

It was great. It was a play on words

TIL when musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls, however, when a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because...

...a coo sticks.

An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

A firefighter wasn’t performing well at his job...

He was on the hot seat. Then he got fired.

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

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Two friends go to a performance called "Aladdin's lamp"

Two friends, named Peter and Carl go to a performance called "Aladdin's lamp".

During the first break they feast inside a bar, having some drinks in meantime. After it they return for the second act. Not long after it starts Peters stomach gets heavy and he needs to do number two.

"Tr...

Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin were booked to perform at a benefit.

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I ...

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How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

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Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly du...

What is it called if you fail to successfully perform the Heimlich maneuver?

Two people choking.

Yesterday, in a job interview, the guy asked me if I could perform under pressure.

I said no, but, I would give Bohemian Rapsody a go.

As an artist, I feel there's no difference performing between normal people and ghost

Cause in the end they just boo at me.

Job Interview : "How do you perform under pressure"

I usually have my band with me

Why doesn't Mexico perform well in the Olympics?

Because anyone who can swim, jump, climb, or sprint is already over the border.

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

A Mexican magician was performing a magic trick.

He counted Uno, Dos, and vanished without a Tres.

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap.

He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young, platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” She demands. “What does my hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology. “You keep ou...

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

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A doctor was performing a fecal transplant when he suddenly became blind.

Shocked, he loudly declared: "I can't see shit!"

What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater?

Lake sturgeon.

An Englishmen, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street magician perform his routine from a good distance away. Half way through, the magician looks around and notices how far away the men are and asks, "Can you see me ok?"

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

An average performance

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

A rabbi performs a circumcision...

A rabbi performs a circumcision but, absentmindedly, puts the foreskin in his pocket.

After the ceremony, he joins the family to celebrate at a local restaurant.

As they are leaving, the rabbi finds the foreskin still in his pocket and comes back into the restaurant to dispose of it....

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

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A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary.

The wife screams, “You can’t do this to me!”

The husband says, “I know. That’s why I’m doing it to her.”

My ex is upset that I tell people she performs multiple handjobs every day for £5 a pop...

Apparently, the proper description for her job is "manicurist,"

My local hospital trained a dog to perform facelifts.

He wasn't very good, but he did raise a few eyebrows.

A desert island with six women

A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to...

A Conductor composes am orchestra for king Jon un himself.

It takes them weeks, and it is the best orchestra that North Korea has ever seen. But when it came time to show him their original masterpiece, they flop. It’s absolutely horrible. So king Jon un sends the conductor to the electric chair to be executed.

The conductor is asked what he wishes f...

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

I was at a performance of Beethoven's 7th, when suddenly the whole orchestra got up and left.

...which was disconcerting.

Arabic (Yemeni) joke. Don’t mind the translation if it’s not accurate

A Yemeni man traveled to Nigeria for work. On the first day he saw a funeral. The men were carrying the body on their heads. On the second day he saw a second funeral. This time they were carrying the body by their fingers, so he asked them why they do this.

They told him we carry the dead a...

An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote: "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

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Why don't rednecks perform reverse cowgirl when having sex?

Because you don't turn your back on family

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They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.

This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.

Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform?

in the audit-orium

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

I perform circumcisions at the local synagogue

The pay isn’t great but I get to keep the tips

Why does Post Malone only perform 6 days a week?

There's no post on Sundays.

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A sexually active cock

A couple goes to visit a farm. A farmer shows them around and points toward a chicken and says, "This chicken is amazing, he can have sex 300 times a day."

The wife glances meaningfully to the husband and says, "Wow, what an amazing cock."

He husband, wisely, asks the farmer, "But is i...

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A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

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A performer on stage asks his audience if anyone there has ever seen a ghost.

Some people in the audience raise their hand.

The performer continues and asks if anyone present had ever spoken to a ghost.

Only a few people raise their hand.

The performer then asks if anyone in the audience has ever had sexual relations with a ghost.

An old man at...

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So, once upon a time......

A horse sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is ...

How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain?

Soy Bean

I think my wife is performing in a musical behind my back...

I asked to see it but she just gave me song and dance

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Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

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A Mexican prostitute goes to the Doctor

The Doctor asks the ho what's wrong. She tells him that she's been feeling insecure in herself and is suddenly finding herself unable to share personal details about herself with anyone, not even family.

The Doctor says "OK, I understand. Well before we get into that, let me perform some stan...

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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

The hamster dance

I was asked to perform the hamster dance
once, even though I wasn’t aware of how to perform it.

did a deed I didn’t know, though

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with ...

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

a man broke into the theatre last night during the performance

he stole the spotlight

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

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My mom was on a toilet when a phone rang

She was already finished so she said: "I'm gonna get it!"

I needed to use the toilet badly so I went in after her and noticed she forgot to flush. It wasn't a big deal, I just performed my needs and flushed for both of us.

When my mom found out that I flushed the toilet, she wasn't too...

Police have just received info about a dodgy doctor performing dangerous circumcisions

There must have been a tip off

Did you hear about the drunken rabbi who performed a circumcision?

..word is he got the sack.

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What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex.

You don’t.

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed on stage?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

Bad performance

Boss: were going to have to let you go.

Me: why?

Boss: your performance has been lacking.

Me: same reason my girlfriend left me.

I wish this was a joke.

Why don't gymnasts make much money as actors?

They normally perform non-speaking rolls

Two figures watched from the balcony as the performance of "The King in Yellow" came to an end. Turning to the audience, they watched those unfortunate enough to still be alive turn on each other. Hideous screams and mad laughter echoed as blood flew through air. Finally, one of the figures spoke.

"Well, looks like the play drove the audience completely insane. They're ripping each other apart down there!"

"After paying twenty bucks for tickets to that snooze-fest, I feel like going crazy too!"

*"Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!"*

What do you get when you perform an organ transplant

A liver

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Never have sex before 20

It can be difficult to perform in front of an audience.

I had a performance in an art gallery today.

It was to draw in more people.

What do you call an illusionist who performs tricks with numbers?

A math magician.

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...

It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.

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How does a magician perform a boob implant?

Breastidigitation

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

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I apologized to my wife last night because I wasn’t able to perform during sex.

There were no hard feelings.

What is the best time of day to perform devilish hijinks?

Lets say ten.

Why did the vegan get fired ?

His job performance did not meat expectations.

What do you call a dog that can perform magic?

A labracadabrador

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John comes home and tells Mary he will perform oral sex on her

Mary really excited goes into bed. John gives her oral sex and after they noticed that John had a pubic hair stuck in his teeth. They struggle to get it out but they do not manage to do it. Then John says:

J: Mary I will go to the dentist to help me.

M: If you think this is the best id...

How do you perform a circumcision?

Consult your doctor, only a professional knows how to pull it off.

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Hitler is judged harshly by history, but let's not ignore the heroic acts he performed, like....

He killed Hitler

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Charles, the CEO of a large company, notices that one of his offices is staffed almost exclusively by women

Now Charles would like you know that he's not sexist; he loves women. Absolutely adores them. Respects the hell out of them too. However he is concerned that without a man to keep them focused the office's productivity will drop.

So he goes to the manager of this particular office, Jonas, who...

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale from 1-10.

Last night, we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That’s the best I’ve ever done.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

A man went to the doctor for male performance problem.

“Do you think the booze could be an issue?” Asks the doctor.

“Maybe not the booing so much as her slow, ironic clapping.”

Why did Soviet-era submarines perform so poorly?

They suffered from deep Russian.

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The easiest abortion I've ever performed was on a stripper.

It was like taking a baby from Candy.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

A Mexican magician performs a vanishing act.

He tells his audience "On the count of three, I will disappear! Uno! Dos...!"

Poof!

When the smoke cleared, he had disappeared without a tres.

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

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