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Bash Jokes

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4th of July bash

A career Wall Street stockbroker was burnt out and decided to go off the grid completely. He had enough of that dog-eat-dog lifestyle, the stress, the non-stop rat race of NYC, the constantly fluctuating stock market, and his many irate clients.

So, he decided to leave New York and buy a cabi...

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BUSH BASH

Would be a great title for a porno

Why don’t mermaids use Bash?

Because they prefer a C-Shell.

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Willy was bashful, awful bashful.

Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves' bull. Everybody was out but Elsie Graves, and Elsie wasn't bashful at all. Willy, he stood there turning red and he couldn't even talk. Elsie says, 'I know what you come for; the bull's out in back a the barn.'

Well, they took the heifer out ...

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

My neighbour was bashing on our door at 2am this morning.

Lucky I was still up playing the drums.

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces.

She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are not screw...

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The bashful bride and Groom

The bashful bride and groom were delighted to be finally alone in their honeymoon suite. Blushing, the bride asked her new husband, “Johnny, now that we’re married, could you tell me what a penis is?”
Pleases to discover his wife was a virgin, he took out his penis and showed it to her...

A bashful Chinese couple gets married . . .

On their honeymoon, the husband asks, "So what do you want to do?"

The wife replies, "I think I want 69."

The husband is shocked.

"You want Beef and Broccoli now?!!!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals…

Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw i...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

Saw a little kid getting bashed by 2 men on the street, so I stopped to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us

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Fuck Chuck Norris ..

If he is as strong and powerful as everyone states, I dare him to come to my house and bash my head in the keyboarddfrljkl;kjtpog496yasdfjknxirhsmfsjfigdjsyebxhsueyxbxjdobdbzhcvhsivdbdindgdyhdbisbdbdhbshhshsudjshgsidbbdhdydhdbksjdbdyyshdbuendheibdjdidn

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

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What did the Pimp say to the bashful Gamete Prostitute?

Hey, Sex-cells

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

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A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday.

She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, wit...

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A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:<...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligator’s...

A bear walks into a bar

"Sorry we don't serve bears in here" the barman says

"But I'm a big brown bear"

"Sorry we don't serve big brown bears"

Bear is angry and hits the bar with his claw "give me a beer now!"

"Sorry we don't serve bar bashing big brown bears!"

The bear picks up a barstoo...

Three friends are sitting around talking about their boyfriends

The first girl says to the other two, “let’s play a game and say a drink that we like that our boyfriends remind us of. I’ll go first. My boyfriend is like sprite; he’s light and bubbly and sooo refreshing after my last couple relationships.”

The second girl says “ok, umm… mine would be a che...

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An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank...

And she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.

The old woman approaches him and say...

At the Pearly Gates in Heaven

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one...
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she w...

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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night.

An intelligent drunken Aussie led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Kiwi clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Kiwi clock...seriously?!...

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A man and an alligator walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Whoa man, you can't have an alligator in here!"
The man replies, "Don't worry, its a trained alligator."
Bartender, "I don't care if its trained or not, you can't have a fucking alligator in a bar."
Man, "Alright, check this out." The man then opens the alligator's mout...

A girl is out with her friend when says,

"Hey, do you see what I see over at that motel?!?"
the friend replies, "no, what is it?"

In anger she says to her friend, "That's my dad's car! I know it's my dad's car because the license ends in 0 and has the university sticker that I put on it. I can't believe it. Mom's at home taking ...

A recent study shows that 6 out of 7 persons affected with dwarfism are not happy.

They are grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, sneezy and doc.

A long time ago there was a fishing village...

In this fishing village, they worshipped the sea. They did everything on the ocean--they lived in huts on the beach or over the water, they were always fishing, cultivating, and harvesting from the ocean. They also had this custom where they would name their kids based off of how they interacted wit...

In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

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Mushrooms

A man walks into a bar and sits down.

The bartender asks "What'll it be?"

Man says "Whiskey... leave the bottle."

"You got it, everything alright?"

"I just became a widower for the 3rd time"

"Oh god, pal! I'm so sorry! You seem so young, can I ask what happened?"...

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

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Two eggs boiling in a pot, one says bloody hot in here, the other says.

Wait till you get out there, they bash your fucking brains in.

Do you know why reddit has the concept of cake day?

Because everyone knows you're not celebrating your real birthday with anyone.

^(It was my birthday a while ago. It's my cake day tomorrow, and here I am.)

Edit : oh my god why. This is already the biggest birthday bash I’ve ever had.

What do you call a shy person with a hammer?

BASHful!

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish.

I got this from bash.org a long time ago, but I can't find the original post, so have this [bonus joke!](http://www.bash.org/?69527)

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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican

While six stayed back a few yards Doc went up and knocked on the front door.

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any 3 ft tall nuns in Rome?"

"No, my son, there aren't," the Pope replied.

So Doc went back and told the others. Pretty soon Ba...

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A Pickle, Cucumber, and Penis are talking...

The Pickle says, "I hate my life, once I get big and juicy, they throw me into brine and lock me away for 6 months.

The Cucumber says, "That's nothing when I get big and juicy, they slice me up, throw me on a salad and eat me."

The Penis says, "Well when I get big and juicy, they thr...

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A prince is hanging out with his best friend

Friend: So you want to break up with her?

Prince: Yeah, I have to.

Friend: Just because she is really shy, moody, dumb, has allergies, and has narcolepsy?

Prince: That is not what I said. I said she is fucking Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, and Sleepy!

A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a bar...

The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says "Hey buddy, I heard you like pork." The trichonosis larva looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says "Indeed, I encyst upon it."

Source: [bash.org](http://bash.org/?771925)

A Gestapo walks into a bar

I‘m kidding, he bashed the door in.

While taking a census an official approached the home of Mrs Karen

After asking her a series of questions and taking down her replies, he asked her age. She chuckled bashfully and replied," have you asked the Ms Hills next door?" " No" was his confused reply. " I'm about as old as them" she told.

The next week she went to check her updated details and she s...

A new comprehensive study found that only ~14.3% of dwarves are Happy

The study went on to show that the rest of them are Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Sneezy, and Doc.

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left

The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn. The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't hav...

What is your greatest America joke?

Everyone's got mexican, Jewish, and Islamic jokes. I wanna hear the one's bashing America.

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

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The 7 Dwarfs had twin friends, Horny and Serious visiting from out of town.

Doc walks in to the living room and sees one of them with his pants off playing with his junk right out in the middle of the room.

“You can’t be serious” he yells.

“No,” he replied, “he’s fucking bashful.”

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

What's the difference between Beyonce's clothing line and domestic abuse?

One's an Beyoncé fash and the other's a fiancé bash

[NSFW] The seven dwarfs decided one day that they’re going to watch Snow White get undressed

So they go outside and stack themselves on top of each other to peer through her window:

Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

...

“She’s taking off ...

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John is starting a small software company but has no capital

He gets a meeting with some important clients but they want to meet him at New York VIP bash that he can't possibly get into. He standing outside trying to think of a way to slip past the security when he sees Bill Gates. He goes over and says "You don't know me Mr Gates but I'm a big fan" He then e...

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on a desert island ...

... and all they have to eat are cans of food and they're discussing the best way to open them.

The physicist says, let's not overthink this - just bash them open with rocks!

The chemist says, "No, we need to create a fire anyway and we can simply use the heat to cause the cans to burs...

A woman gets called into her office HR department

They tell her that they noticed her password for her login was very unusual and asked her how she chose "DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeySacarmento"

She said - "well the instructions were to have a password with seven characters and have at least one capitol, so I thought I was just fo...

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Little Johnny came home after playing with his older friends.

His friends kept using adult words and making jokes. Johnny laughed, but he never understood what the words meant. He walks over to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a hooker?"

The dad, taken slightly aback by the bashful Johnny, decided he did not want Johnny to know that kind of language yet. ...

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I heard they were making a new Power Rangers show, so I checked it out.

Since the producers wanted to show to be more fluid to all people, they decided to bring in new rangers. They had all the usual colored rangers, but then they started to add a few more as the show went on.


There were three new rangers that had different disabilities. One was colored ora...

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

A man says to his psychologist...

"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes, I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"

"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to wo...

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Girl with no arms or legs is sitting overlooking the ocean

A man walking past notices she's crying, says "what's wrong girl?" She responds, " I've never been kissed before " the man feels really bad for her and leans in and kisses her and leaves.
Another guy is walking past and notices the girl is upset and crying, he asks "what's wrong girl?", the girl...

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A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

A Chinese joke translated to English

A lion is getting married in jungle. There is a big bash and all animals are dancing to the tune of loud music being played.
In a corner, a rat is dancing too.
Rat is asked, "Hey! Why are you dancing?
Rat replied, "It's my brother's marriage, so only."
"When did the lion become ...

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

At first i was feeling a little grumpy,

Then I was feeling happy, then a little sleepy and finally a little bashful.

I am no longer welcome at my daughters school play of Snow white and the 7 dwarfs

A Newly Wed Chinese Couple Go on Their Honeymoon

They get to the hotel late. The bride is visibly nervous and the groom is patiently and lovingly trying to reassure her.

He says "You don't need to worry about anything. Anything you want, I do for you."

Feeling a bit calmer she inquisitively looks at him and says "anything?"

"A...

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A blonde and a trucker get into an accident on the highway

A blonde is taking her new sports car out for a drive on the highway. She cuts off a trucker and causes him to almost crash. The trucker angrily yells at her and motions for her to pull over.

They both pull over and get out of their vehicles. The truck driver takes a piece of chalk and draws...

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A man is sitting at a rooftop bar and turns towards the patron next to him: "I want to make a bet. If I jump off the balcony and survive, you buy me a bottle of champagne."

"You don't mean that, do you?", the patron asks. "This building is twelve stories high."

"It's a magical balcony", the man says. "I'll be fine."

"Whatever man", the patron says. "I know you won't do it."

The man gets up, walks towards the balcony and drops headfirst towards the ...

Jesus walks in to an employment office

The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"

"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies

"Can I ask what skills you have?"

"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"

The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer

"Well I have two c...

A guy walks into a bar...

And he’s got a tiny head, completely disproportionate to his muscled body. One of the bar patrons goes up to him and asks, “So um... how’d that happen?” The man gulps down his drink and sighs. He’s recounted this story before.

“So I met this fairy by the lake. And she was absolutely beautifu...

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A 40 years old man goes to a circus show

He went there to remind himself of his most precious childhood memories, but mostly because the flyers advertised a pretty peculiar act.

The clowns, the animals, the magicians, all did their part but by the end of the show enters a little old man in his seventies, wearing a bathrobe. The old ...

Blond Password

So this guy asks his girlfriend for her password so he can fix her email account. She says it's "Grumpy Happy Bashful Snowwhite Charming Simba Pumba Mickey Albany". He says, "Wow, why so long"? She answers, "It said you needed at least 8 characters and one capital".

A man walks into a bar on the third floor.

He sits down and orders a double vodka on the rocks, smashes his head three times on the counter and jumps out the window. A minute later the man walks back inside and orders another double vodka on the rocks, bangs his head on the counter and proceeds to jump out the window. When he again walks in ...

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Two women are talking about giving blowjobs.

The first says "I don't like sucking my boyfriend's dick".

"Why not?" the second asks.

Just then their third friend joins them.

"He's just too big. I feel it right in the back of my throat".

"I know what you mean", says the second woman, "Steve's so big that I feel him ba...

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Buddy’s wife is in coma and doctor wants to try just one more thing before giving up hope...

Doctor calls Buddy and explains that it has been 3 months that wife has been in coma and they’ve tried every conventionally excepted medical procedures in effort to revive her. He asks Buddy to come down to hospital to try an “unconventional - non-medical” procedure. Buddy arrives and the doctor sug...

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A man walks into a bar with a cane and alligator....

The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He t...

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

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3 scientists are on a research vessel

There's a storm at sea, and the ship sinks. The 3 scientists are the only survivors, and wake up on a small island.
Upon regaining consciousness, they are quickly captured by a native tribe living on the island.
This tribe has an ancient custom of using tanned human skin to make their canoes....

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A man and his frog

A man is sitting in a bar with his pet frog. The man catches a fly that lands on the bar top underneath a glass. "Alright watch this" he says to the other patrons. In a quick motion he removes the glass and as soon as the fly tries to get away the frog snatches it out of the air.
A woman who see...

Pretty good for a joke that is a hundred years old.

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society
after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first
sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.

On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her
overshoes, and the hostess, who had...

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

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A grandfather takes his grandson on a fishing trip.

It's about midday, and the grandfather reaches in the cooler and pulls out a beer. The boy looks over, excited, and says, "Well I say Grandpa! That looks pretty good! Can I have one?"

The Grandfather thinks for a moment and asks, "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?"

Bashful, an...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

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Got any jokes similar to these ones? (nsfw)

A woman comes to see the doctor.After 5 minutes she suddenly exclaims "kiss me doctor", the doctor obviously refuses to which the woman simply asks one more time and again the doctor explains he can't.This goes down a couple of more minutes , the women begs the doctor and he denies .Then the doctor ...

Three men are waiting in line at the pearly gates

St. Peter says, "I will hear all three of your stories first, then I will decide who gets into heaven and who goes to hell."

The first guy steps up. "So I have been suspecting that my wife has been cheating on me for awhile now. I decided to come home early one day and I find her naked on the...

A man finds himself in a hotel lobby. The lady at the front desk is giving him big "F me" eyes.

Now, sure, he's seen prettier women in his lifetime. But she's a solid seven, and looking at him in such a sultry fashion that his knees nonetheless knock together nervously.

"You can have me, right here, right now, or you can carry on to success," she whispers, tracing her finger slowly down...

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