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Ut Jokes

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”

The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents she swallowed balls until she died.

Genie: What is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you!


Genue: Weurd but alrught.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Polish husband

A  Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. 
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. 

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circu...

Why "almost milk" is called "almond milk"?..........

because nobody can keep a straight face while saying "nut juice".

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed.

Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.'

Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But docto...

How do you know if you'll like sailing?

Put on a thick yellow raincoat, and stuff it with hundred dollar bills. Step into the shower, turn it on full blast and it's coldest temperature, and just start stuffing those bills down the drain. If you've managed to somehow enjoy yourself doing this, you might just be crazy enough to enjoy sailin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to make a tough decision. I asked my wife, "Can I pick your brain?"

She said, "You can… but I'm surprised you wouldn't pick my tits."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texas A&M (Aggie) grad, a Texas Tech (TT) grad and a University of Texas (UT) grad end up at the urinals in a bar.

The Aggie finishes first, walks over to the sink and loudly proclaims "In my health class at Texas A&M we were taught to wash our hands after using the bathroom to prevent disease" and proceeds to splash soap and water everywhere. Additionally, while drying off he uses more paper towels than are...

What happens when a clown retires?

I don't know, but it's safe to say whoever's gonna replace him has big shoes to fill.

My landlord wants to talk to me about why my heating bill is so high.

I told him my door is always open.

A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.

Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar.

Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says,

"Hi, sorry for bad English"

Man asks for an unusual wish

A man meets a genie and the genie say I'll grant you one wish. The man says i wish I could be u.
The genie replies. Weurd wush, bit ull grant ut.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.

So what if I don't know what the word armageddon means,

Ut's not like it's the end of the world.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

## So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, b**ut ...

This is a little self-indulgent, but I'm a high school teacher and I just compiled some one-liners from the past year or so

[They can be found here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XWPHTS7bAcbKV5GsL3Vhx7gUmm0DnFr-aOutUtV8LRM/edit?usp=sharing)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A raccoon walks into a bar

”One beer, please” the raccoon orders. The bartender is an old stuttering gentleman:

“O-o-ne b-b-eer co-co-ming up pa-pa-nda...”

The raccoon is very annoyed: “Let me just correct that for you right away, I’m actually a raccoon, I am not a panda”

“Y-y-es. O-o-ne be-e-er co-co-mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and Leroy

A old southern,slow-talking' truck driver answers an ad in the paper for an OTR position. He goes into meet with the supervisor. The supervisor knows they need drivers bad, so he cuts off the entire interview and says:

Supervisor: "Look, if you can pass your certification test, the job is you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.

The old man said "We have vi...

Some people just don't understand evolution.

I was talking to an Australian the other day who actually thought *he* came from Darwin!

All credit to Milton Jones for that one.

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